Life's been good to me so far

I'm up late, lingering over the very last of the lovely holiday...in the beginning it was honestly sort of hell. I was just totally overwhelmed with trying to get the entire house clean and cooking so much, with company coming and time limits. I was doing school presentations and things the day before my Dad arrived, and I'm so freaking exhausted. I was taking 20 minutes once an hour to lie down, for an entire evening. Once things were underway, though, and it was too late to do any more than was done, I started coasting, and that has been wonderful most of the time since...

And Grant has had 9 days off in a row, Isaac 4, we've had so much cool intermittent company, put up Christmas trees, and blargh. This week is gonna be wall to wall, as all weeks tend to be lately. It's the end of the semester, and today I did two quizzes, some discussion board stuff and submitted a 5 page paper, online. The beginning of the end of the all too brief peace and lazing about. After we grocery/Christmas shopped, this afternoon, Grant took Ananda and Aaron to see Gravity, and I put a movie on for the littles and took the quiet hours for schoolwork...

Tomorrow I have to get Isaac to school; go by my doctor's office; go spend two hours getting fillings; then go to the school to make-up a theater exam, give the disability services people more documentation, and sell my textbooks back; make a power point presentation; write another paper; drive Aaron to dance; make dinner; read to everyone before bed... Tuesday I have classes, then a B-12 injection, driving people, feeding them, readings. Wednesday is counseling, gastroenterologist, blah blah blah. The three littles have a holiday concert instead of their normal music classes, after my classes, on Thursday. I'm trying to figure out with Nancy when we can see each other again before she leaves town in a couple of weeks, and with my sister when I can babysit so SHE can go to the doctor. Both of which are important to me, and more "good" than "work".

I make a point of scheduling leisure and downtime, lately. Tuesday evening, Grant will be here since he works from home Tues/Thurs, and we're going to watch a movie. Wednesday there are a lot of activities, but they're spaced out and local to where I can get a lot of quiet time at home with just Isaac and Jake, which is an unusual combination of kids to have home alone. Friday-day we will do nothing but guided schoolwork that they can't auto-pilot or do on the computer or whatever, since the rest of this week is low on that.

I'm just SO. fucking. TIRED. All the time. Friday, Saturday and today/Sunday, I've been going to bed around 1-2am, and sleeping until 1-3pm. Then I drink a lot of caffeine, and...take a nap. Still, I end up dozing off around 10 or 11. Second wind til bedtime.

I spent awhile up troubleshooting Ananda's chocolate chip cookies, with her, tonight, while everyone else was in bed. They came out hard as rocks and completely stuck on the pan, and she's very spoiled on early successes since she's made some challenging stuff like cheesecake and had it come out perfect. We talked a lot about the French law against face coverings for Muslim women, too, since I had to write about that earlier for school and she was interested - so many layers of racism and freedom and religious expression, etc...

I wrote another poem the other day. I've written a lot of poetry these past few months, for the first time in awhile. ( It's under here. )

Continuing with getting all of my November pictures posted!

Ananda's derby team had their first home bout this month, which was the first time I got to see her actually playing (not just practicing) in person - Grant and Gloria had previously taken her to away bouts. We got a lot of people to come out, including old high school friends of mine who are not pictured, and some of Annie's friends. Pre-bout tailgating included a big taco spread we brought along. Derby makeup, and nerves:


Gloria and LJ, excited:


Shaun and Cristy:


Aaron:


Possibly tipsy Grant, and Elise in mini-derby makeup Annie put on her:


I dressed up.


Half-time.


With Miguel and Izzy, all trying to look tough and then bursting out laughing as soon as the picture had clicked.


#1 fan.




It was fun. One of her coaches, who is on the adult team that had a bout after theirs, told her how well she'd done. She TOTALLY hero-worships this woman, and it made her flip. She was silly-stupid-happy for two days after :)

Back at the ranch - the chickens have finally started laying, as Jake and Elise wasted no time in RUSHING in SCREAMING to tell me ;)

Yes, it is a blue egg. And they roam free a lot, so it's like an Easter hunt every day :p

I randomly went outside for something else and found them wearing cut up cups as crowns.


Elise watching TV with Tom:


Isaac, sleeping with a special shell his penpal sent him :D


The cats use his bed, when he's at school.


One night, we had Miguel and Izzy and Izzy's brother Francois over, for dinner and a projector movie/sleepover. After the movie, Grant sat at the laptop projecting things on to peoples' faces. Like sunglasses, and clown noses, and celebrities.

Much laughter all around.

Next day:


New closed coils post-extractions, and new colors:


Our little Beasty's Girl Scout troop was in a parade up at the Falls - her shirt says "Keep Calm and Camp On," from this summer at GS camp.

Her brother's saved her a bubble necklace they'd gotten while watching the parade. You can see highlights from the rest of the parade (I didn't get any good shots of her group, unfortunately, and it seemed more important to scream and wave anyway) are here. <--They all get bigger. It's wild how the quality and variety of what is in a parade goes up, driving 30 minutes north :p

Sisters...


Some Thanksgiving pictures...it seems somehow ironic that these cuddly chickens were safely hanging out in the kitchen for part of the afternoon. They all just walk up to people and fall asleep in your arms, making little happy noises. It's ridiculous.



We were all SO. STUFFED. Nancy and Steve and their little dog Sundae, and my father, and Laura and Frank and their kids, and Gloria, and Shaun, and Grant and I and our kids. Delicious. And stuffed. And haha, you can see the picking my kids had done off of the edge of my clementine cakes.

Hours later:

That's Elise, (niece) Elizabeth, me, and Isaac.


You can see Gloria, Ananda, and Frank...we were still outside at 1am.

The only black Friday shopping we did was at Guitar Center...

Aaron, in Grant's hoodie and his new hip hop sneakers, drooling over expensive headphones.

Saturday was the Greater Miami Youth Symphony's 55th Anniversary Concert. Grant took Annie, and sent me these, while Aaron hung out with his friend Adrian and I took the littles to my sister's, since our mother was in town. I pretty much spent the whole visit catching my mother up on my latest lab results and apologizing to everyone for my brain fog and sleepiness. Sometimes, right in the middle of visits like that, I do stupid shit like tell everyone I'll run to Publix for a few things and then burst into tears and rant to my husband on my cell phone in the parking lot for 15 minutes until I feel like I can stay awake long enough to continue, uh, living.




Well hello, 3:30 O_o

I've been doing a tumblr contest for the past couple of months, where if people reblog a post about my book, they can win a signed copy of the book. It's gotten about 30 entries and it resets every month, so there have been a couple of winners, which is fun. I know a lot of people don't have a tumblr, though, and I get a lot more hits here - so I've been thinking of doing something similar on lj. Sharing a description and image of the book that I make easy to copy (with contest explanation, you don't have to pretend to parrot my information for fun :p) would count as an entry. It could be on your facebook, twitter, your own lj/other external blog, tumblr would still count - as long as it's some established place that you have that is not just made up and blank for the purpose of the contest. You'd have to let me know you shared it, either in the comments or in my email, to enter.

[Poll #1919205]

#ETA: You can leave your answer in the comments if you don't have an LJ. I wasn't thinking of how non-LJ'ers can't participate in polls.

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I've had the shittiest most terrible double ear infection. The most painful, throbbing, fuzzy headed, muffled hearing lot of swelling. The whole right side of my tongue (closest to the worst ear) has been shredded from my TEETH being shoved over. I've been sleeping with the help of hydrocodone and exhaustion - and hydrocodone takes like three Arrested Developments one and a half Game of Thrones an hour and a half to kick in.

Anyway, it's finally going away, and while I'm grateful this hasn't happened in a few years, the steady ringing sound constantly reminds me of my deepening hearing loss and really...it's not cool. I don't know how I got so comfortable with so much soft dairy again (the runnier and more frequent, the worst, seems to be the case with me, in terms of consequences...) but it's basically come down to "do I want a frappuccino or do I want to be able to hear people talking to me, listen to music, and otherwise experience reality through one of my only five mechanisms to do so?"

*sigh* These are the thoughts of someone sitting still with their head turned sideways and drops in their swollen ears, as small people run past on mute.

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I've bought a lot of books, in the past couple of days. For school, I got my Summer B textbooks - "Theories of Personality" and "Intro to Social Psych". I won't bore you with the gouging agony of what they cost. I will say that I was so pissed that the DSM-5 was $200 at my FIU's Barnes & Noble that I opted out and instead went with, "The Book of Woe - The DSM and the Unmaking of Pyschiatry." Which I've already read 2 chapters of as my cold, cold ear drops gradually sink down into the center of my tortured noggin'. When I relayed that information at home, however, Grant said the government is giving me a lot of money for my education, which more or less requires that book, and Amazon said they would send it to me for "only" $118. So I got it from them, along with (for continued balance in perspective), "Saving Normal: An Insider's Revolt Against Out-of-Control Psychiatric Diagnosis, DSM-5, Big Pharma, and the Medicalization of Ordinary Life."

Because Amazon offers that tantalizing, "buy new and used from ____" option, and I DO have government education money, I also got "Toxic Psychiatry: Why Therapy, Empathy and Love Must Replace the Drugs, Electroshock, and Biochemical Theories of the 'New Psychiatry'" and, in neuroplasticity, "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One." Along with replacing my old copies (loned out and lost forever) of "Neuroplasticity: The Brain's Ability to Change Itself," and "Prozac Diary" (literary nonfiction by one of my favorites, Lauren Slater).

All of them together add up to about what I would have paid for just the DSM at school, which ties into this whole issue I have as a bibliophile and author about people (like me) buying these bargain basement priced used books - I don't think it's as "bad" as just torrenting and illegally downloading ebooks (which I never do), but it's clearly doing nothing for writers and little for the industry. Sort of. I mean I guess it gets writers read, and keeps used book merchants in business, both of which I see value in. I DIGRESS (<---What a surprise).

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( 42 pictures )

Links of the Day!

Link 1.) NPR discusses the nearly complete absence of women from movies. "I want to stress this again: In many, many parts of the country right now, if you want to go to see a movie in the theater and see a current movie about a woman — any story about any woman that isn't a documentary or a cartoon — you can't. You cannot. There are not any. You cannot take yourself to one, take your friend to one, take your daughter to one.

There are not any.

...Dudes in capes, dudes in cars, dudes in space, dudes drinking, dudes smoking, dudes doing magic tricks, dudes being funny, dudes being dramatic, dudes flying through the air, dudes blowing up, dudes getting killed, dudes saving and kissing women and children, and dudes glowering at each other."

I wrote about this here two years ago, in this post, ( saying all this )

Link 2.) http://www.michelecarragherembroidery.com/ The woman who hand embroiders the costumes for Game of Thrones. This is mind blowing stuff! I love fabric ♥

Link 3.) Florida: Black Woman Gets 20 Years for Firing Warning Shot - White Man Kills and Goes Free The title kinda says it all, unfortunately.

Link 4.) Florida: 17 year old girl who has been in a consensual relationship for a year or more with another, 15 year old girl who was on the varsity basketball team with her, gets into serious legal trouble the minute she turns 18 and the younger girl's parents have legal recourse. Younger girl's parents are deeply homophobic and claim the older girl is turning their daughter gay. Now this honor student, who is active in her community, is facing lifelong sexual predator status, multiple felonies...it's crazy. That link is to the change.org petition that over 300,000 people have already signed, asking that the case against her be dropped and the laws re-examined.

Yesterday was terrible, and lasted 24 (conscious) hours. Highlights:

-I went to the college FOUR TIMES, speaking to multiple people each time, and STILL don't have everything I need to sorted out. I went to advisement twice, testing once, financial aid three times and registration twice. I took them our tax returns from 2010 and 2009, Grant's W2 and 1099 from this year, and so many forms printed off their website. I was told that I did, didn't, did and didn't have to take the CPT, that the emails I'd received actually said the wrong things, I mean - WTF?!

-As I was running back and forth in and out of my house, my sister was good enough to be here hanging around with my kids. I really appreciate this, as I live only about a mile from the college and so it was quick to keep coming back to print/dig through the fire safe/etc but would have been ridiculous to tote all the kids in and out of the van for each time. BUT, she noticed right away that my hernia was sticking out way more than usual, and was way more noticeable in general, and kept saying I need to get it checked out, need to go to the doctor, etc. I of course realize this is nothing wrong on her part. It's just hard for me to hear, and I knew she was right.

-One of our chickens randomly died of unknown causes. It was Belina, the buff orpington and my favorite. Ananda found her and was grossed out but ok, Aaron and Isaac were fine with it, but Jake (the owner) was very sad for a few minutes and Elise was HYSTERICAL when Grant was removing the body because, we found, she just had no idea what death really meant :/ Her brothers and sisters "die" in video games. So we had to have this horrible talk about the permanency of death, and how it happens to everyone, that made her cry hard. And made me cry. FYI, I have been reading that apparently buff orpingtons sometimes have trouble with heat? It's not summer here yet and she made it through last year but Belina was always noticeably warmer to the touch than all the other chickens, so, who knows...makes me think we shouldn't get more orps like I was kind of planning to, to replace her with.

-I went to the hospital with Grant. We spent about 10 hours there, re-hashing our thoroughly hashed marital strife when we weren't playing hangman, trying not to fall asleep in front of the tv, or worried sick. I had a CT scan and they do think I need to get this business fixed asap, and it is worse, but that it is not an emergency thus far and there is no current blockage or tissue necrosis. Great, but terrible, basically. Also, I got a lovely lecture from the doctor about how I could lose weight by eating smaller portion sizes, or eating more often so I don't feel hungry. Wow, thank you doctor. O_O

Basically it was not fun, or even ok. We got home at like 6 am and I had to take a shower to get all the hospital tape glue and potential MRSA off of me, whilst trying to forget the lovely way my mouth fills with a metallic taste everytime I have an IV flushed (3 times, last night) and the way it makes my previous epidural site go crazy and trigger me into a tightly tense, cold, withdrawn mess.

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Today, I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, feeling way more relaxed than I consciously had in what felt like forever.

The weather was perfect. My children were happy to see me. I took just Ananda and Aaron and we returned Annie's library books, ordered a new one she wants from Spellbound Books, and went out to Knaus Berry where Aaron bought cinnamon rolls for the family. Then we went in the back to investigate their U-Pic, since it's something we've never done. I think I'll be taking the little kids, soon. Lots of good conversation while driving :)

Back at the ranch, I escorted the little kids around the block on their various wheels (trike, bike, scooter) and cuddled Elise and explained why she can't nurse today ("Mommy's blood is fully of radioactive contrast fluid today, sweetie"...that's not really what I said). Talked phonics with Isaac.

Grant was miserably depressed and had a headache. I felt guilty for feeling happy. He encouraged me not to, blah blah blah...

Later in the evening, after some grocery shopping just-us-and-Elise, the two of us went and saw "Limitless" and it was pretty good. ALSO, we went on the way and got chinese takeout and drinks and snacks from a CVS, and my (homemade, sugar skull, bottomless pit of a) purse is so big that we put ALL of that in there, and consumed it during the movie.

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I am kind of freaking about how my emotional eating might actually kill me sometime soon and how I don't know how to stop it and how it's a downward spiral that makes me want to eat a lot. Grant and my problems also make me want to eat.

On the plus side, Memo...I am tired of taking the time to call him "my old artist friend, the one who does tattoos now"...Memo has sketches done already, for illustrations for my childrens' book, and is telling me I have to wait to see the cover for last, and in general his interest and enthusiasm are contagious and make me feel really excited about the whole thing :)

I'm also hopeful about school, and income a few years down the line, and supplemental income we'll have in the meantime just from financial aid while I'm attending...but I am also seriously bitterly suspicious that just when I get my stuff all worked out and settled in so I can start in good standing...I will be re-hospitalized for who knows how long and screw up my whole record and attendance again and go from "getting off academic probation from the last time the shit hit the fan" to "seriously even more complicated to ever try to go back".

I'm very up in the air about school for the kids, too. I know Elise is going to be going to preschool in the mornings in the fall, because she's insanely excited and got in and can go free and it's super close and well recommended and I think it will be good for her speech. It's just 9-12 am and is mostly playing with other kids, i.e. her favorite activity on earth. Ananda and Aaron will be taking a writing and a science class, respectively, offered via PATH enrichment over a 6 week period, starting in May. Other than that? BAH.

Let me tell you a couple of things that have happened:
A and A conquered their biggest worry-me hurdles on their own. She writes willingly now, and he socializes constantly. They really reassured me that homeschoolers allowed to do their own thing generally progress just fine, and that if you don't turn everything into a battle or force it, kids will move forward because they want to, which is so much better. I am scared to lose that with school. I was thinking of how if Annie had been in school all day, busy with school things, and being forced to write a lot of stuff she didn't want to, she (likely) never would have come up with a whole big long story in her head, or had the (time/energy)resources or desire to painstakingly record it all...likewise if Aaron had been surrounded by other kids, possibly getting picked on, at his most awkward, I am not sure he would have found his way so happily into a crowd by now.

Also, Ananda is pouring over astronomy books and websites constantly lately, anytime she isn't reading pretty advanced fiction (like the Lord of the Rings trilogy). She tells me things I didn't know constantly. She searches out constellations and is asking for a telescope. She's saying she wants to be a chef and/or an astronomer. I just love it. This is another one of those things, those "child-led learning" things that come from kids not having their natural love of learning destroyed by a lot of worksheets, waiting and moving onto the next subject when they're really into something they aren't anywhere near done with yet.

The various crises in Japan have really sparked Aaron's interest. We spent almost 2 hours straight the other night watching videos, drawing diagrams and pouring over articles together, until my brain was nearly dripping out of my ears - but he kept pace with me every step of the way, and now both of us understand atomic structure, molecular structure, fusion, fission, how a nuclear bomb detonates and what happens afterward, how nuclear power is generated, half lives, radioactive decay, radiation sickness, and so much more. This has continued to be built on every day, and has led into study of things like Chernobyl, Turkey Point (our local nuclear power plant), coal burning plants, alternative energy - it just never ends. I love learning like this.

I really believe that in one evening he learned more than most kids do in all of elementary school science, and that it will stick better because he was really into it, having a one on one conversation and struggling to understand with his whole focus the entire time.

I don't want to lose, or limit this. Grant and I are talking a lot about him supporting and helping with me going to school while keeping them home (something he is fully on board for - Grant REALLY wants them homeschooled, I am the one who wanted to send them because I wanted to have that huge chunk of independence in my own life...which I still kind of do. Grappling, like I said). I'm still waiting to see whether they got into the charter school, but more and more I am just grossed out by the whole issue and kind of amazed by how well they do just as they are. even when we "aren't doing much" they are CONSTANTLY learning.

I am also tossing around "just giving it a semester", "just giving it a year", and sending the little kids but keeping the big ones home. I still think the cultural experience of attending school is valuable. Just not sure if it's any more so than the greatness that is never having been to school. Still think structure and schedules can be important. *shrug* I found out if they got in at the end of next month, it could all be a moot point I suppose.

Slightly off-topic: Ananda and Aaron had another epic sleepover up at Cybele's, and LOVED IT and came home ultra-excited and can't wait to go back next weekend. Cybele has a house on a big canal (full of manatees) up in the Gables, with a pool and canoes docked there, and a dog and cat, and a vegetarian daughter for Annie and a juggling son for Aaron. They went and met like 10 other PATH kids to see Rango the first day, and did some charitable ice cream event on Sunday, and generally just have a blast.

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We decided, at the end of a neverendingly long decision process, to re-home Chrysanthemum and keep 2 kittens in her stead. We just don't have the resources to own so many cats, at least not with any level of responsibility, and 1. we are much more emotionally attached to the kittens, as well as 2. a pure bread, $500 maine coon is much easier to find a home for than a mixed breed, "run of the mill" cat. I submitted her case to a maine coon rescue organization and sure enough, she was wanted by someone within 2 days.

I felt way more sad than I expected to when I dropped her off. And now I am unduly irritated by how the new owner (in emails I keep getting copied on) has already re-named her "Isabella" and is calling her Bella. Grumblegrumble...

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We are tentatively planning for me to get my stomach fixed in 5-ish months. That's when Grant's new job will be offering him health insurance. There's no guarantee we can get all or even some of my junk covered, but we can't try until we have coverage in place. I'm also going to be looking at the college schedule and all that. We can get a loan or something if we have to...but I think having a date in mind for when go-time is will help me to lose weight. As it's been not knowing has made it seem so open ended and like I can get around to buckling down in a vague and hazy future that'll eventually arrive.

...or having a date will cause me to raid the fridge late at night out of terror of going back into major surgery. We'll see, won't we?

I have counseling again on Friday. I think Grant is going back Thursday.

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Aaron: Mom, if we knew the things to make little firecrackers, would you make them with me?
Me: Sure.
Aaron: First I thought about tiny nuclear bombs but then I realized, no way, that's just too powerful.

Also: Ananda recently made these Nutella Cheesecake Gooey Cakebars. They are something to behold.

And, I never got around to posting this here, but man I love it. We all piled in this little photobooth at the bowling alley :D


In total contrast, look at these two beautiful children totally peaceful:


And in total contrast to how identical they look, look at this old shot...6 years ago, I suppose:

Crazy stuff. I will never quite grasp how that happened :p

Anyway, back to recent shots - when we were in Lakeland Elise picked out a "princess kit" she wanted, and she REALLY, REALLY LOVED IT.






Somebody traded some arcade tickets for this. It's like this concept was designed with Jake in mind, I think...

He was in his carseat and Grant was pretending to not know who he was or where Jake actually went, and Jake said, "Dad, it's just me in a disguise!" It was really funny.

TOO TIRED TO CONTINUE ENTRY.

The other day, when we were all sick with sore throats, I kept going back out to the deck and picking lemon balm to make us tea. And I was struck by how my basil is sprouting up, and my tree is covered in mangoes, and I have bananas coming in two different yards, and eggs in the coop every day. Walking around with the camera today, I found a pumpkin vine in and amongst the weeds sprouting on some bricks in the backyard! I weeded everything else out, pruned it a little, watered it and am happy as heck. The kids are also excited. I am thinking white pumpkins based on a similar vine my friend Kristin had magically appear in her yard a couple of years ago.

( Photographic Tour of my productive land )

I woke up from a nap the other day, and Ananda and Aaron had made a band:

There's a girl with a ponytail and one of them has a mike on a stand in front of them.

I was amazed. Mohawk guy with guitar on stand:


Keyboard player:


I have done so much Usborne work this week, it is where every spare moment has gone. Productivity is lucrative. Some points:
-We're having a show at our local bookstore, and my mil (who works at the paper) is getting a write-up done about Aaron for publicity - "Local boy dancing in NYC competition" or something like that to drum people up.
-I met with two people from the Miami Children's Hospital Foundation yesterday afternoon and have a meeting with the head of their library next Monday afternoon.
-I've got home shows coming up out in the Redlands, down in the Keys and up in Miami, as well as three others "in the works" (they want to do it in the Fall, or haven't said for sure yet)

I'm also advertising a yard sale in the paper and planning it for next Saturday morning. Gathering stuff...I've mostly got a few outgrown bikes and a ton of disguarded purses, along with some outgrown kids' clothes and a tiny but of miscellany. I'm also going to be selling baked goods and possibly Usborne books, though.

Basically I am in super crazy hyper must-make-money mode. I was praying the other morning, up before everyone else to drive around having meetings - I was down to the wire with getting Ananda's registration in for girl scout day camp by the deadline. Two weeks of camp, already picked from all the themes - $130 each. AND THEN I REMEMBERED! I payed for this big old chiropractic package and then went to just one visit and found out that due to my "structural deformities" (diastasis, hernia) he can't help me. This was a long time ago actually. I drove over there and got my refund check - and it was $260! I was like, alright. Thank you very much. And sent off my forms.

I am about to shift from Usborne All The Time to Agents All The Time for a few days. I look at it as short term and long term financial planning.

( A )

I cooked up a storm last night so we could eat all day without my cooking anything. We had chocolate cupcakes for breakfast, curried chickpeas on jasmine rice for lunch, and lentil soup for dinner.

Tomorrow Ananda's going to Christina's house and Aaron and Isaac are going to a birthday party, for most of the day. Grant and I will probably take Jake and Elise swimming somewhere, like over at Laura's or in Grant Sr's new above-ground. Every now and then I entertain the idea of getting one of those cheapy "everything in a box" above ground pools for like, 5 seconds, and then come back around to the image of Elise floating face down in water and figure we can wait a few years. This is why one of our criteria for home buying was "does not have a pool".


Other than all that:
-Elise is currently right on the line between "low end of normal speech development" and "speech delayed". I am trying to take it upon myself to have more conversations with her, as well as prompting her to use more "connecting" words - because she has a massive and ever-growing vocabulary. But she doesn't really form sentences. She'll come to me and say, "Mama bathroom, chichens, me see!" Not, "I'm going to see the chickens in your bathroom!" Everything is like that. She'll come to me saying "Dada phone, me hi" (I want to call Dad on the phone and say hi) and when she gets it, she'll tell him "Me sick. Miss, my Dad. Love, my Dad. But - mama home, me! Mama lap now. Dada home, hug! Bye." She has way above average comprehension, whether for pointing things out in books or performing complex tasks. She will sit and listen as I read chapter books to Ananda and Aaron and suddenly interject and shock me - "Boy sad, no more eat?" That's right, he's sad because he's hungry and all the food is gone. She also counts and knows all of her colors well (and has done both for quite awhile) as well as singing along with most of the alphabet. We'll see I guess.

-I am tired AS HELL of this sinus headache, sore throat sickness. OVER it. It's turning my already abysmal attempts at sleeping into miserable failures.

-Season 3 of Weeds has not been as good as Season 2.

-I am experiencing a great deal of anxiety when I think about this oil spill, and an uncommonly high level of (obviously related) guilt and confusion about my own priorities re: oil consumption. I am really caught in the middle, not nearly apathetic enough to just be blissfully driving everywhere all the time - but also too selfish to stop driving all the time. I want things for my children, and myself, and our family - like going to top dance schools and NYC competitions but also having chickens and a garden - that are not part of a sustainable model. I want my husband to work where he can make enough money for a certain lifestyle that involves internet, cell phones, movies and dinners out at times, and me staying home - but I don't want to live anywhere NEAR where those jobs are... I live in the absolute worst part of the country for car-reliance and suburban sprawl, and so it is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching justice of sorts for us to see all the beaches and reefs and animals and jobs destroyed :/ *big fucking sigh* I keep wishing desperately for things that seem like partial or complete solutions - a way more reliable, quicker, safer public transit system that runs 24 hours, for instance. Hybrid and electric minivans. We looked for them when we had the settlement, they were (are) only available in Japan. To some degree it seems like the only answer is to move away, but that is not even an option I can consider - this is and has always been home, it is where my and Grant's entire families are.
But something has to happen. I have to start writing letters, and voting for the right things, and taking the bus sometimes, and SHIT I really don't think people understand how big this is. How huge. How many people are unemployed. How they're BURNING ENDANGERED SEA TURTLES ALIVE. How the loop current is going to catch hold of all this and take it all the way to the Carolinas. How they don't know what happens when a hurricane hits a billion gallons of oil. How we can't replace the reefs, or the Everglades. Ever. Just gone forever if they're gone once...

I wonder how much more painful and personal this all seems to me because I've been looking at this water and going on glass bottom boats and wading out on sandbars my whole life. We hang out in the everglades as a thing to do. But...your seafood's going to cost more. Your taxes are going to go up. Your vacation plans are going to change. Your air is going to be dirtier. Your kids will never get to see things my kids have taken for granted. The Bahamas, Cuba, so much gorgeous blue-green-gray-and previously CLEAR is seeming so temporary right now. So surreal.


So I'm sitting here with Google Maps open looking at how Dance Empire goes from 29 minutes by car to an hour and 2 minutes by bus, how it goes from Elise taking a nap to us all walking several blocks on roads without sidewalks in the sweltering heat. On the other hand, I could use more excercise and we could sure save on gas and it might be kind of awesome to actually be able to like, hang out with and engage my kids while traveling. I think we have to at least try it.

Along with the letter writing and voting and so on...

The one when I realize I'll be watching Lost later in the evening. It's the little things, you know? And no, I do not by any stretch of the imagination think I'm going to get any ANSWERS out of the few remaining episodes. They're going to keep introducing new characters and throwing in plot twists and alternate dimensions right up until the very last moment of the very last one, at which point the camera will pan way, way back, and the island will go up in a giant mushroom cloud that resembles the head of John Locke. Then, from the burning wreckage, we'll see that huge statue foot thing walking off on the water...and the credits will roll.

---

My brother is doing SO WELL. I am really, truly proud of him for the first time in a long time. He is on week #3 of getting up early - on his own - every morning, taking the bus out to JobCorps, and participating. It is so much better than we could ever have hoped. He's writing essays about what he wants out of life, and taking placement tests, and having a physical (? whatever) and going on their fun trip to the movies on Friday and genuinely spurred on by the reward system...I am truly thrilled with it.

Three SHOCKING things have happened since he started, each more surreal than the last.

1. He wore colors. I mean, I almost wrecked as I spotted him walking home in khakis and a blue polo shirt. I don't think I've seen him in colors since he went through his camo phase at 10.
2. He stayed late one day to play pool with somebody in the rec hall. Someone who didn't even speak enough english to decide on rules together, but it was still fun. This is both voluntary socializing and racial tolerance.
3. Today. TODAY!! He brought a friend home! I was so shocked at first I was kind of gaping. It was a really nice seeming guy too, who I wasn't even nervous about having in my house. He gave Bob a ride home and they were going to play video games. WONDERS NEVER CEASE.

I am beginning to feel for the first time in these 6 months that maybe there is real good happening because he's come down here, and real hope for him one day approaching a point of independent adulthood. During the window of time he's home and not asleep yet, he does the dishes everyday, sometimes along with other menial one time chores. He also spends more of that window out of his room, even if it is just lounging on the couch to watch whatever movie my kids are watching or something.

Seriously something. I told him I was really proud of him today, and he turned away towards the dishes so I wouldn't see him grinning.

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Random pictures. ( 11, from the other day )

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-I am so tired of fighting with Elise for two hours after the bedtime routines are OVER

-I love leave in conditioner - why have I not been doing this all my life?

-after talking with Tawanna for awhile today, and at least one honorable benefactor who wishes to contribute to the cause this evening (Shaun), I feel like I really want to prioritize Aaron going to NYC with his group in July, but probably let go of the scholarship thing later in the year. We need balance between letting each of them realize their potential, but not going insane as a family.

-Shaun also knows someone who needs some voice work done and so I may be doing some reading aloud for pay

-along with sending in a bajillion stories, pitches, manuscript segments and so on to a bajillion agents, publishers, small presses and contests

-I really love the way A and A's dance classes afford us with these opportunities for me to take other kids places regularly and do other things with them...like on Monday, I take the three littles to the (really nice, too far to be justified if we weren't already up there) park for two hours while A and A dance. This past week they got to catch a lizard, watch a butterfly go from flower to flower sucking up nectar, observe an ant colony of the BIGGEST SCARIEST ANTS THIS SIDE OF AFRICA, and still play in the sand for awhile. Then on Tuesdays, I take Ananda and them to the library for the hour - again, it's a nicer branch than we have here in Homestead, and also because of his one solo hour dancing we have a set day/time we go reliably every week. Thus we do not lose track of time and end up with a bunch of fines, like we historically have. FYI, this nonfiction books for Aaron thing is really working out GREAT...he begs to be able to keep reading when we turn the lights off at night. Moving on, Wednesdays I drop A and A both off, then I drop Elise off at Oma's. This has become really, really special and eagerly anticipated for Elise and Oma(mil) both. Robby and Patrice (her older cousins) are usually also there to shower her in solo attention. And then I bring Jake and Isaac back here and it's just the three of us studying their AWANA verses and having a snack together until it's time for me to take them to AWANA.

-I also love the way Isaac, Jake and Elise have become an inseparable trio - it especially makes me happy for Isaac, who has traditionally been kind of left out amongst his siblings. Because he's the oldest, he's the one who makes up most of their games and decides most of their activities, and it evens things out a little with him being as...well, wimpy, as he is. They play games like one person holds the one in front of them, and a third holds the second person, and then the first starts running all over the trampoline like crazy while the other two try to hold on. And more elaborate, characterizes pretend stuff. They pack things up to go on journeys. It's just great.

-Just in the next 3 months we've got:

-cave exploring with PATH
-storytelling under the stars at the library at night
-science fair
-Elise's 3rd birthday (at the beach)
-beginning of science classes (taught by a middle school science teacher turned PATH mom with a great curriculum they're psyched about), which will be early Tuesday afternoons for 6 weeks
-"Historically Speaking", greek myth themed
-PATH field trip to BASS museum's ancient Egypt exhibit
-Annie at Christina's birthday slumber party
-Annie's 10th birthday (at Jacob's Aquatic Center)
-summer placement auditions at Dance Empire
-DE recital
-beginning of rehearsal for PATH-kid-written play Annie will be doing stagecraft and costume design for, and Aaron possibly playing the villain
-Aaron's 9th birthday
-girl scout day camp for one week, maybe two (for Annie)
-Grant going to the smoky mountains for a week with Shaun (his prearranged, from his whole family Christmas present for when it was warmer)
-Aaron's group going to NYC for a week

I am psyched.

Ok, yi'zall, I am like, 500 pounds lighter and so freaking relieved, because I have had An Epiphany.

As previously stated, yes, my brother can be a pain in the ass. BUT. (Also previously stated) I've been feeling SO put upon, SO insanely irritated, SO emotional about all of this, way beyond the point he's actually a pain to. I've also been unable to open myself up and do much of anything for him, which sort of defeats the purpose of bringing him down at all.

It's my Mom. Totally and all my mom. I've been suffocating, drowning in the pressure of feeling like she's looking down on me and being so pissed and unforgiving if I enforce any consequences. I don't want to feel obligated and responsible for Bob because otherwise I'll be disowned and lose a parent.

When he actually told her we were going to kick him out, and she actually cried and yelled and then didn't contact me and ignored my sister's email, I got to a worst case scenario situation that somehow...gave me objectivity. Like, ok, THAT? That is not Bob's fault.

She's never thanked me. Not for tucking him in and stroking his hair as a baby, for watching him during all her shifts while he was a toddler. Never thanked me for taking him outside with me everytime I left to play, for meeting with his teacher and helping him with his homework in 6th grade, for playing checkers with him at Starbucks. I never got any gratitude for having him living with us for months at a time as a younger teen, for buying him new glasses, for helping him study for the GED.

What I have gotten, VERY CONSISTENTLY, is "Why did he break that while I was working? Weren't you even watching him?" and "Why did Grant get irritated with him for breaking his Dad's stuff and scaring your kids with his anger?" And a lot of "You don't understand him like I do, Tina" and "He needs me".

Well. Maybe he does. Maybe he did. She hasn't usually been available. He gets a substitute, halfway mom who is either, you know, 11, or has her own kids to deal with. And that has to be good enough, not because I suck that badly but because I am what he's got.

He told me, CRYING, yesterday, that he feels like she's done the same thing his Dad did - dissapear out of his life without looking back. I understand she's extremely preoccupied with MAJOR stuff... but she calls me all the time. She was emailing me for awhile there, saying "Bob's trying to call me again, can you just call and see what he needs?"

So yeah. I'm cutting that loose. I love my Mom, no matter what, but I'm gonna try HARD to not give two shits what she thinks of how I'm doing with Bob because, really? IT DOESN'T MATTER. He's a grown ass man which means she no longer has power which means, NOW IT'S MY TURN. As my sister has pointed out, anyone else who was in her position would walk on eggshells talking to me about him because there's just so much stuff I could say back to her about it. But I never do.

And I'm not going to start. I don't think she's aware I'm making new journal entries. I'm just going to quit giving a damn about her where Bob is concerned. Completely.

With that in mind, and knowing that we are unofficially "not talking" and with nothing else to lose in that arena...I broke down and really got a lot out of viggorlijah and gardenmama's comments and talked with Grant a lot and actually looked at this situation.

I've been very fixated on jobs for a lot of reasons. But, I've completely overlooked other areas of progress, as a result. LIKE, he's went from the first day Frank took him out where he would only ask if people were hiring, to the second day when he actually applied at places, albeit badly, to the third, when he shook managers hands and introduced himself politely and things. The truth is that I know on some level that it's setting him up for failure to demand things he's not capable of. And when you're talking about someone who types "bus" into the search engine and then combs through every result, confused, for half an hour afterward and who doesn't know the months or what "prefix" means on an app...the expectation should be that he continuously improve and keep trying with help, not that he go out on his own and land himself a job right away.

It wasn't quite like that (us expecting him to just land himself a job) - he has had the days with Frank, we did take him out shopping for appropriate clothes, I have helped him with apps here at the house. But I think the expectation for him to go out and do this independently, and immediately, was premature with him. Unrealistc. Totally logical for a normal 19 year old, but if he was a normal 19 year old he wouldn't BE living with me.

But what I really mean about progress is, non-job progress. He does a ton of chores around the house everyday - many WITHOUT BEING ASKED, which is brand spanking new for him. He's GREAT with the kids, all the time. And though he gets mad still sometimes, it's not nearly as often as it was 2 years ago, and I honestly can barely even imagine him moving onto destroying property or hitting oranges with bats to vent it, now, which he used to do routinely. DAILY. Now he just glowers and scowls for 20 minutes, when he's pissed.

Yesterday morning I thought about all this a lot and talked to Grant a lot and then we decided we'd go talk to him about it. We knocked on his door...and he wasn't there. Awhile later I found out it's because he actually put on his interview clothes, left the house, walked and went and applied to all the places he thought were too crappy before, in the plaza 5 blocks away. I told him I was proud of him and he was like...glowing and blushing, it's funny.

So we sat down on the deck swing and made him sit between us, which made him laugh uncomfortably because that basically means hip to hip to hip, and told him listen, we love you and we're just not going to let you fail. You're past your deadline and that means you're doing this OUR WAY now, like, you're sitting down to dinner with us and eating healthy food, you're going places with the family if you're gonna be a part of it, and you're gonna get a job, and you're gonna volunteer and we love you. And then we hugged him. And he got all teary eyed.

AND THEN.

He said we should pray about him getting a job and maybe if it works he'll come to church.

This is fucking momentous coming out of his mouth people, you cannot imagine.

So then he and A and A triple teamed the little kids while we went "last minute couple of things" Christmas shopping, including fleece for me to sew him a stocking to match the other huge, home-sewn fleece stockings. His is black with skulls. It's kind of awesome. I also got him bright, his-sized Spiderman underwear, also awesome. And some dark brown cords I hope can begin to branch him out from all black all the time. On sale at Target.

He came out to my friend Kristin's house, where I had a marshmallow-making date, and he played ping pong with her neighbor's kids and helped get an attachment off her pasta maker that was stuck on and carried everything out to the car for me.

I went in his room to get my sewing machine at 11 last night. HE WAS IN BED ASLEEP. It was the weirdest moment of my life.

I'm sure things will be hard and crappy sometimes. I don't think my epiphany = magic. I still have a lot to do and deal with every day. But I'm finding that shrugging it off and saying, "we have six kids" is not so bad. It's a hell of a lot better than an hour long WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT BOB hash out everyday.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, it is Christmas Eve and I am obligated to contact my grandparents, and probably even my MOM. We'll see. Other than this I am not at all stressed about Christmas, like, the craft-presents that aren't done will get done someday, the mess isn't bothering anyone, we're having a good time chilling with the windows and doors open and good weather and Christ is born, Emmanual, God With Us.

Anyway yeah, viggorlijah and gardenmama, I really liked everything you had to say x a million.

Dude, I just realized there are chickens in my dining room. WTF. All cluckity clucking like they aren't INSIDE. I guess they're taking care of the breakfast crumbs, except, no really, gtfo.

Today I cooked up a storm. For today, I made...

-french toast and "ethical bacon" for breakfast
-deliciously amazing Italian pot roast with tons of onions, garlic, whole mushrooms, basil from my garden, broth and so on, along with olive oil and salt roasted potatoes, and rolls, for dinner

For tomorrrow,

-strawberry and (grain sweetened!)chocolate chip (spelt!)muffins
-(fresh)spinach and (fresh!) artichoke dip, WITHOUT mayo...it's a yogurt base, with some cream cheese, powdery parmesan, shredded mozarrella, a tad of chicken broth, some flour, salt and pepper, onions and garlic sauteed in butter, etc added in

Also I repotted my kitchen window plants, finally, and led my kids to shovel up some of the dirt and rocks we're clearing from an area of the side yard and then helped them use it (1.5 overflowing wheelbarrows full) to fill in the dips under the privacy fence in the backyard, where the chickens will roam free during the days.



This is Belina, Jake's chicken, who I think is my favorite.

Ananda, Aaron and I went to the feed store today where I learned that a massive bale of hay is only $6.95. We got that for the coop, along with a hanging waterer and later at Lowe's with the whole family, a dowel for them to roost on. And seeds for gorgeous neon rainbow chard for our garden. We got rainbow chard in our produce share - before that I had never had it. I was immediately like, we have to grow this ourselves.



I feel so crazily incredibly productive lately. I went around the corner to Winn Dixie with just Isaac for something. I read to everyone before bed. We all made our beds when we got up. I've loaded the dishwasher three times today, and after all that cooking my kitchen is relatively clean. And WOW my window with new plants and repotting, I guess it sounds silly but really, we love it. Aaron was like, "Mom, that is so beautiful!" Just these big light green plants that fill it up, with all this light behind them. I got aaaaaaaaaaall the piled up books and things off the library table and reshelved. And maintained the tv room and library from yesterday. And just all this crap that's starting to seem...easy. I mean I also sat around on the deck in a rocking chair, crocheting Isaac's ripple blanket and watching the chicks as I talked to my mom on the phone. I'm not running like some sort of madwoman all day long.

I burned myself with splattering oil earlier, though. Olive oil gone awry. I have a big purple welt to show for it that hurt increasingly bad for about half an hour after it happened. The other arm just has little individual dots from rogue droplets that sprayed it's way.

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Big two sucky things:

1. A dear friend's niece just got diagnosed with leukemia. She's only 5. It's a distraction today - I know how it would feel to me if my sister's child was going through something like that...

2. Elise is going through a major cry-about-everything phase. And it is a fairly normal time for that...she is having a lot of developmental leaps. A lot of independence. I know this is how kids act when they're toddlers and when they're teenagers - everything is intense as they move forward and pull back over and over. But it's her. So, say, last night while she bawled her head off about having to go to bed I was simultaneously imagining two different horrible scenarios. The one where she is starting to cry increasingly more and more because she's about to display that she's actually autistic or is otherwise reverting to acting like a child with massive brain damage. And also the one where all this crying is causing major cortisol that is actually increasing damage to her little brain.

She is not doing anything unusual. She plays with her brothers, mostly sleeps through the night, eats meals and looks at books and asks to nurse and goes to the fridge, gets out baby carrots and takes them to the rabbits. She tells me things with words and also with gestures and pointing and sounds. She ran to get me because she let my cat out by accident, earlier. She's alert and aware and it's ridiculous for me to freak about nonsense. Except that every now and then I think how ridiculous it is for us to just assume it's all smooth sailing from here, when you consider her history.

And I don't get any kind of reassurance out of doctors, either. They say she is just miraculous. That every good thing is gravy and she seems perfectly fine. That there might be learning disabilities down the line but for now she's advanced in some areas. It's just uncharted territory.

Which should be - and mostly is! - good enough for me.

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Tomorrow I'm dropping Jake and Elise off with my sister and taking the older 3 on a PATH bowling trip. They're psyched.

Last Saturday, Laura and I took the 6 of them (counting her Brian) to the Frost Museum at FIU. It was SO COOL! Totally free event, free parking and all - they had clay, painting, face painting, mask making, jewelry and bead stuff, cupcakes and frozen yogurt, a live singing performance by a theater group for the kids - and the regular interactive cool kids' things that are always there, and FREE TOURS and then I got two books that are normally ridiculously expensive college textbooks for $5! One on gothic art and one on Native American women.

( many pictures from that event/day )

Elise is especially affectionate today, we've spent probably a cumulative hour hugging, kissing, embracing on the futon. She squeezes me so tightly, and she does things like put her hands on my cheeks and pull my face towards hers with her lips puckered. I'm sure she's spent as much time in Annie's arms and lap.

Annie got another biking injury, re-opening the same arm wound for the 3rd time now. I always know she is bleeding because she comes in yelling in this bizarre, strangled tone as she struggles to remain conscious knowing she is bleeding. Then she acts totally disrespectful, even going so far as to yell at me, while I clean her up, with her whole body tense. She would never normally act like that. She's the wrong color. It's kind of ridiculous. My prescription is always the same; rinsing, ointment, bandage, and then time alone in a dim room reading or watching a movie until she can swallow normally again and is no longer sweating.

The chicks are SO, so cute, I can hear them everytime I pass my bathroom door - incidentally, wouldn't that be a great book title for life in a big, homeschooling family? "Chickens in the Bathroom". They're in a bird cage on the ledge of my garden tub, with the window open, A/C vent closed, and a heat lamp pointed at them. Ananda, Aaron and I are rotating duties changing their newspaper, food and water 3 times per day. Anytime any of us are in there with them, we can turn around and see cat legs, the WHOLE LEGS up to the shoulder, under the door and madly swiping as they struggle to get at whatever is making that delectable noise. Chrysanthemum especially is like a cartoon and in the time it takes me to turn around and open and shut the door, she is behind me perched near their cage.

Aaron was getting over some mysterious 24 hour illness nobody else had, this morning. Now he is back to his usual tricks, which this week involve standing on the cross bar of his bike as he coasts down the street, and unicycling off the porch (about an 8 inch drop) and onto the front lawn and just keeping going. This is why I wanted the "skatepark helmet" that covers the skull all the way down to the neck.

Jake is feeding Elise and himself peanut butter with a butter knife right now. Awhile back he rushed cauliflower greens to the rabbits, who will eat it right out of his hand.

Isaac is in heaven because I'm letting him play basically unlimited computer games today.

And I think my cat is in heat. The breeder wanted me to wait until she was at least 6 months to spay her, if not 9. Now she is yowling all over the place, rubbing on everyone and everything, and whenever anyone pays her a bit of attention she puts her head on the ground and her butt in the air and yowls more. I suppose I will have to take her in to the vet next week. Peter, neutered as he is, is incredibly irritated by her antics and keeps pouncing on her and biting her like, please for the love of everyhthing stop with the racket.


I have spent most of today reaading French Women Don't Get Fat, emailing back and forth with Grant, and cooking. It was a peanut butter toast and plum breakfast, almonds and bananas for snacks, strawberry oatmeal flavored with yogurt for lunch kind of day. We're all drinking tons of lemon water. Now I have an acorn squash split in half and two red peppers all in the oven stuffed with ground turkey, brown rice, canned tomatoes, onions, garlic, salt, pepper, italian seasonings and shredded cheese.

As for the book, it is very haughty, but I find that amusing, so it's all good. Some of the things she thinks are crucial to a more French (i.e., thin) way of life are just not considerations for me - like a glass of ($40 per bottle) champagne with every lunch and dinner. But overall I think it's the direction I'm moving in anyway; eating smaller portions more frequently, of fresh, whole, in-season foods that you savor such that it is quality over quantity. Along with walking and biking places rather than driving, and drastically increasing your water intake. There's some good talk about balance. Overall I find it validating and, mostly, I just love reading about food - this is full of childhood anecdotes of things her mother made, interesting stories of going mushroom picking and climbing trees for cherries, and RECIPES :) Including one I'm making tonight, for a creamy, sweet risotto that is served hot with a piece of dark chocolate melting in the center.

I think my organic produce co-op boxes and backyard herb garden are the closest I can get to the kind of open air markets she describes, but I am happy with that.


We've been focusing almost exclusively on Christianity and Spanish, as school subjects, largely done through me and the five of them sitting down together for an hour or two of reading aloud and conversation. I'm actually looking forward to this as an after-dinner activity tonight, because it was great last night.

I feel really really happy and satisfied with my life. Even though we're on a strict budget for awhile; even though the van still needs fixed, there's cleaning to be done and I have weight to lose; despite (or perhaps partially due to) the long decision making process and journey I'm on, with reference to faith and conversion...

It's just all good. I can't believe how blessed I am, it is freaking nuts!

In (mostly) such good ways :D

Since the last time we talked...

+ Ananda had two dance shows
+ I've rejoined and started Weight Watchers, partially because of being inspired by the dance show to get back into this flesh and live healthy and be fit and strong...
- all of our chickens were killed in the night when a neighbor's dog dug under our fence, pulled back the chickenwire, and went to town. It was horrendous to discover, though luckily THANK GOD it was me and not the kids who found them, but then it was horrible to tell them, especially Aaron
+ We decided to get new chickens, as we know how to keep this from happening again (reinforcements, fill and possibly some hot wire, as well as talking with our neighbor) and we have this big old run and coop Grant bought materials for and built, and we're so invested in the whole idea now
+ it helped make the kids happy to help pick them out. There is still lingering sadness but it's tinged with anticipation about the chicks we'll be getting late next month. You can see the ones we picked, as adults and the way they'll be when we first receive them, here, at my flickr
+ I've become a part of the BirthGirlz "Street Team", which so far means I attended a great meeting; I'm getting Nancy on board to be a guest speaker at our Childbirth Film Festival; I'm donating to help fund an attorney who is against a new law that discourages vbac in Florida birth centers (when we have between a 70 and an 80% c-section rate throughout this state, vbac is a pretty serious concern); I'm signing a petition to help get Jackson South to become a Mother-Friendly hospital (WHICH WOULD BE HUGE DOWN HERE); I'm supplying them with different relevant links to articles and studies weekly, from my stockpile; and I've networked to get Schnebly Winery sponsoring the Great Green Family Festival (half of which proceeds go to BirthGirlz, which is incidently non-profit, as one of the two founders in charge - my friend Kristin - is running the whole thing). I feel like an actual birth activist with a network which has pulled this huge weight of guilt and fear and repression off of me - usually when I hear ANYTHING birth related (which is REALLY often), I bury all this swelling emotion away before it consumes me...this time I just started balling and went with it. Which means my book will actually get written instead of me just hiding from the material. I have accountability now :)
+ writing time
+ Annie's started her new summer dance classes and loves them
+ and she claims to actually be ready for learning to ride a bike!
+ taken Elise for bike riding
- lots more hard talks with my mom and my dad about my Nana who had a stroke and is in a rehab place not improving, my Cuban Pa who is still dying slowly, and Grandpa who did die but who's ashes are still waiting to be picked up in Key West
+ started Letter of the Week with Isaac, Jake and Elise
+ tons of schoolwork with A and A
+I sent out cards and postcards today; Heather, Sara, rl friend Kathy, rl brother Bob

Our next month is like:

-me and Annie going alone to dance classes on Tuesday evenings, I write while she dances, we talk to and fro
-me and all kids taking Annie to dance classes on Saturdays, hitting the park, then picking her up and meeting Grant for lunch
-playdate with swimming all afternoon at Kristin's tomorrow
-A and A sleepover at Michelle's Sunday night
-picking up co-op produce at Kristin's two Thursdays
-taking Ananda, Aaron and Isaac to VBS at 8:30 and picking them up at 12, all next week (THEY'RE SO EXCITED)
-free summer movies at the theater
-3 big kids and me at Stuart Little live at the Miracle Theater on June 30 (PATH fieldtrip)
-planting sunflowers and then recording bee observations for half an hour twice a week, a la "The Great Sunflower Project" - which is very cool and we've talked so much about the strange dissapearance of huge numbers of bees that my kids are really into it

And Annie? My Annie? Sheesh, I don't know where to begin. She is seriously changing right before my eyes, and as per usual, it is surprises and wonder every step of the way. She's thinning out as she shoots up. She's FOUR AND A HALF INCHES TALLER than Aaron right now, which hasn't been true since he was born. She has been demanding total privacy to change her clothes for awhile and so I should not have been so (inwardly) surprised as I was to learn it's because she's got...new...changes. *sigh* It is not some big deal at all and I didn't act like I even noticed anything, but I've been going around to Grant and to Laura when out of earshot, ever since, like, "PUBIC HAIR WHAT HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!" Meanwhile I hope she doesn't see through my casual ruse. My poor awkward daughter, who is actually gaining dance poise and some will remember how she's been setting off my gaydar for years now and I've wondered if she'll have internal conflict with her faith and how I'll deal with her theological questions about sexuality when and if that time comes. Well, we were talking the other day about names and baby names and middle names and I said, "Isn't it so weird to think of how if you get married you could have a DIFFERENT last name?" and she, without missing a beat, asked me, "What do lesbians do about their last names when they get married?" I just told her they can keep their own name or hyphenate or switch it like anyone else. But inside I was like "SEE?! YOU SEE?!" I dunno.

We're doing good, though...I feel closer to her, communication-wise, than I think I maybe ever have, which is good. I keep getting scared that we're careening (sp) towards this volatile transitional period of her life without enough ease and trust filling up our days. Today at least I feel like we're doing well. She's sick to death of math for dyslexic reasons with place value and carrying mistakes that I think will come together with practice just like her reading skills did. She burns through ABEKA language work like it's just fun. We laughed a ton in the grocery store alone together, today.

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Some of you will remember BALD Jake. Right? A few months ago? Bald Jake and Afro Isaac? Well. They've switched. You can see pics of this and so much more by clicking the cut below, BUT! You should push play after you do and listen to the song while you look at the pictures. Because I was listening to that song as I edited and uploaded them and it was perfect.

( Golden Children )

Remember when I told you what you should do if you ever find yourself in possession of a roast? Here are the illustrations...




And here is Aaron as Harry Houdini.




And Ananda as Amelia Earhart.



PATH did this event at a local library auditorium called "Historically Speaking" where each kid dresses up as a historical character and then gets up and talks about "themselves". It was pretty cool. We read biographies that actually taught them A LOT - for instance while learning about Houdini Aaron ended up learning all about immigrants seeing Ellis Island from their ships as they arrived here, Vaudeville, and what it meant to be famous before tv or the internet. Ananda and I ended up talking all about feminism, World War 1 and Spanish Flu. And she pieced her costume together completely from stuff we had here! Aaron's handcuffs are trick handcuffs, he asked for a volunteer at the end of his spiel and then escaped from them to much applause. We'll definitely be doing that next year. Of the other 14 kids participating, there were peeps represented like George Washington, Helen Keller, and...Batman. I love homeschooling.

I really want to show you some other things...like how much our chicks have grown.

They're only like 5.5 weeks old! Sheesh.

And that I got my nose pierced when I was back in Key West with Laura, this past weekend.



The baby shower was so much fun, I LOVE MY AUNTS AND COUSINS, GEEZ! My kids need more contact with them. So much food, oh my gosh, you have not eaten until you've been to a baby shower that a bunch of Cuban ladies are hosting. It was painful towards the end. But so fun. So much laughing. And, my Dad took L and I out on his boat for sunset, it was awesome.

The guy who pierced my nose looked and acted A LOT like Bobby (J). Except 6 inches taller, MORE pierced, plugged and tattood, MORE orange beardy and straggly haired, and styled as "I work at a tattoo shop in Key West" (boots with heels, etc). UnCatholic Bobby with more vertical genes, in 10 years. He was enjoying my nervousness too much and really liked not warning me about anything. After it was over Laura was like, "I didn't want to tell you while you were still at that guy's mercy, but he reminded me so much of Bobby" and I was like, oh really? OF COURSE HE DID.

But I imagine that's enough without a cut so if you want to see the rest you have to ( click this thing )