Life's been good to me so far

The weather is so beautiful today and yesterday! 60s-70s with tons of wind. This cold front took us totally by surprise. Ananda and I were on a date on Lincoln Rd yesterday, laughing and laughing because there were all these people taken off guard - basically everyone was ducking into places like CVS to just get anything to cover up with because tank tops and flip flops weren't cutting it, and a jacket in that area would be a serious and mostly useless investment. We saw a woman wrapped in a baby blanket, several people with beach towels around them, and a lady using a cheap drugstore American flag.

Also, I cleaned the living daylights out of my long-neglected bedroom this weekend, and am really loving it in here, again :)

Medical Update:
Well, the Hernia Institute said the Homestead Hospital ER docs' theorizing was just that...wild theorizing, of the sort they've never heard before. Losing weight is definitely in order. Blah blah blah. Eating well and not too much is feeling a lot easier to me than it ever has before, so that's good, and Vegan is coming (almost) naturally. I had a sort of awful debacle with trying to wear binders as recommended to hold the hernia in, and dude, that is really not doable for me. Just...ugh. The way my back arches/butt goes out/whatever causes them to push in and bunch at the spot on my spine that is really triggering and basically within 5 minutes in either of two kinds I tried, I felt like an insane person. Grant said I looked like a deer in the headlights. Geez! I mean I've been going around with no binder for 4+ years now, if I can lose weight and have surgery in the next few months, screw the binders. Incidentally, this is the first time in that 4+ years that I have been eager for the surgery. I was actually disappointed when they didn't take me back to the OR from the ER. I was there with an IV, laying on the slidy board part of the CT scan machine, looking up at the fake sky and trees scene on the ceiling that I have seen several times before, thinking, ok. I can give myself to this. I surrender. Can we please just get it over with?

AAAAaaaand, I got hit-and-run rear ended on the highway a week and a half ago and have been suffering whiplash. It's driving me nuts. I think it's actually what sent me to the ER, because the headaches and neck stiffness cause nausea and the other side effects - like sleepiness, irritability - make me feel "off" and nausea and feeling off both make me think something is wrong with the thing they would usually indicate is wrong (hernia). Looking to the left or up repetitively causes intense, sharp headaches (so like browsing the grocery store, checking my blind spot on long drives or taking notes off a classroom board, for instance), and my neck itself gradually stiffens through the course of each day. I'm taking ibuprofen intermittently, arnica that I suspect does nothing, seeing a chiropractor and having wine more often. I really hope this is whiplash of the "3 months" variety and not the "chronic pain and residual issues" sort. It's also making me crazily lethargic at times, which is apparently to be expected? What? I've been taking more naps and going to bed early more often, and trying not to feel guilty for either in spite of having SO MUCH TO DO. Grant took two days off last week because of all this. We also spent...uh (calculating)...almost $500 on all of it. Don't get me started on "how we'll pay for the surgery" (we are insured, but it's crappy insurance).

I have moments when I feel really hopeless and helpless about how this is the only body I get and it's kind of falling apart, here.

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Moving Update:
We talk about moving a lot. We've started the process of "Getting to know Ft Lauderdale" in an effort to better understand real estate listings. Basically we've got Pros:

-Grant would no longer have to drive TWO HOURS EACH WAY EVERY DAY (or drive an hour and take the train an hour) to work. This is the mother of all other pros, like
*Grant's happiness and quality of life
*seeing my husband
*kids with their awesome dad
*putting an end to the time/money/happiness sucking insanity of accidents, tickets, traffic court, maintenance and so on that has consumed so much of our lives for the last 6 months he's had this job
*no longer spending about $800 per month on gas O_O
-but there is also how Ft Lauderdale is a more diverse, prettier place with way more to do and far better walkability (and bike/public transit-ability), great beaches right there, an ART DISTRICT, and so on
-and if he loses or hates this job, there are other jobs UP THERE, near where we'd be living
-our electric bill would also presumably go down a lot - we're currently part of a small nook still served by the antiquated City of Homestead power plant, which is ludicrously expensive compared to FPL (where most of the state gets power). I've gotten bills over $600 in the summer months more than once. $450 is about a median "any time of year" bill for this neighborhood.

And maybe our van would commence with lasting a few more years as it should rather than being driven into the ground as it currently is. Because we are not really looking to add payments.

It seems from my e-search that property crime is somewhat higher in Ft Lauderdale than here, but violent crime is significantly lower, so hey. There is a wildly awesome nature center there that I've looked at longingly online more than once, that offers FREE classes and camps.

We've been hesitating a lot to even consider it because we have very bad credit and so it would be really hard to own a home again, and I am not eager to (try to) rent with a bunch of kids and pets and the ability to be kicked out so easily - eviction is way more immediate and scary than foreclosure, there is a security bubble in owning your own place (in addition to the freedom to have a turquoise bedroom and a coop full of chickens). It seemed silly to move for a brand new job with a small company just starting out that might not even last, but signs increasingly point to him staying there and getting promoted.

Now that we are considering it, there are also the Cons:

-not living in the same city with my sister anymore (we do a lot of spontaneous getting together that would not be possible anymore), when she has a BRAND NEW BABY even :/
-losing Homestead, which encompasses a whole bunch of stuff like
*walking a few blocks to Elise's preschool, which is adjacent to the charter school I know enough about to trust and have applied at for my three youngest, and where her teacher is a neighbor we see when we go in the front yard
*my college and the gynecologist I really like being a 5 minute bike ride from where I live
*free music lessons/loaned instruments with great teachers a mile away
*"cultural" stuff like Knaus opening every fall, lychee season around the corner, going to Royal Palm Grille (the weirdest oldest diner ever) to eat and see basically everyone we've ever known, my kids being in the same parades I've been going to see my whole life
*"people" stuff like my friend Kristin being a fixture in our lives and Theresa, the lady who does my kids' evaluations every year and lives right over there
*"nostalgia" stuff like just living in this neighborhood I've lived in forever - I already did the coming of age move away/come back thing :p
-OUR HOUSE because, wut, I LOVE this house.... It's so perfect for us - this is really a bit gut wrenching for me at times. Other times I think, well, we probably wouldn't stay here FOREVER regardless, but I really seem to be getting the impression that we'd be taking steps down in one if not many ways, when we move :/ Ft Lauderdale seems to have somewhat smaller average square footage and WAY smaller average yards, as well as bigger price hikes for things we take for granted (roman tubs in double vanity bathrooms and enormous kitchens, for instance)

I sort of assume we would continue to drive south for certain things that we now drive north for - like Ananda and Aaron's established group of (awesome) friends, and Isaac's counseling.

From the first mention, Ananda and Isaac have wanted to move. Aaron went from not wanting to, to wanting to once we spent some time on Las Olas Blvd and the beach, up there (Annie went from wanting to, to REALLY WANTING TO once she saw that they have baby sea turtle season with lots of viewing opportunities). Jake is the hold out that desperately doesn't want to go. Elise doesn't seem to care.

I alternate between spending time browsing real estate and thinking it's really exciting to this sense of despair that there MUST be a JOB SOMEWHERE in HOMESTEAD for him.

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School Update:

Homeschool - we just ordered about $200 in new materials everyone was ready for even though we're sort of in the middle of the school year. My main "problem areas" right now are getting Ananda's spelling and grammar where they should be, getting Aaron to do more work each day, getting Isaac to really take off reading (rather than this low confidence, lazy thing he's doing now) and getting Elise to write letters. Other than those particulars, I think everyone is doing great. Some of my favorites of the educational conversations we've had recently have been about the Republican primaries, voting fraud, genres of literature and satire. My favorite new thing from the past few months is probably the website readingeggs.com, which my younger ones all love and there are many available free coupons for on retailmenot.com If we stay here and they get in, I am strongly considering putting Isaac, Jake and Elise in the charter school down the street next year. I'm really happy with either choice for them in different ways. Ananda is looking towards being ready for dual enrollment by the time that is possible for her.

College - I only need 6 more classes after this semester to have my AA, which I'm really happy with considering I just started last summer. I've fallen behind in a lot of ways recently, between Isaac's issues and mine..this has definitely been my slackest semester so far :/ Understandable but still needing change...I'm not past the point of being able to catch up, I just have to buckle down and do it. I have a dangerous amount of flexibility, between taking two of these classes online and having another only once a week (with holidays making it more like three times a month). My fourth class I have twice a week but with the spaciest, craziest, most wackadoodle teacher ever, so I can basically come and go as I want - and she ONLY grades tests, so the rest of the time we're learning or studying. Theoretically. *sigh*

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FINALLY - the important part of the entry!

This is the best song to blare through your open windows as your drive over intercoastal waterways, this week:


And this is the current reigning champion of candlelit bubble baths:

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I'm still waiting on the finalized contract for my book, but it's been thoroughly negotiated and talked through, so. Presumably, I'll be getting it, printing it, signing it, scanning it and sending it back posthaste.

I'm continuously blown away by how well Grant and I work together...we went out Friday night and ate, and just had a great time. Last weekend we were making out everywhere and bowling and I just am so HAPPY when I'm around him. I feel guilty sometimes lately for being a medical burden or a whiny baby, and frustrated that we see each other way less than I'd like. Also sometimes worried he's going to die on the highway (especially when I am in a vehicle he's piloting, because, well, that can be scary...) Mostly I'm grateful. I wait for his train outside of the van (or wait for his van out on the porch) so we can hug and kiss and I can grab his butt and feel him all warm and smell him, and it's the best part of my day.

Sometime soon - most likely very soon, since I should be doing schoolwork - I'll be posting many pictures.

So now that I've been at it for a bit and it's remaining something I feel good about, I'm "coming out" as a for health, for now, flexible-ish vegan. I don't like sabotaging myself by spreading the word about weight loss efforts that fail. This is a weight loss and digestive health and overall health effort...meat and dairy both make my whole entrapped hernia thing way more uncomfortable, dairy in general makes it like I have a cold and am itchy all over all the time. And both of those things (along with many other things) make me continually get fatter. So. This is my indefinite experiment.

So far it's working out really well and is almost shockingly easy (especially compared to the strict rigidity of Eat to Live). I have coconut ice cream in the freezer and coconut milk and creamer in the fridge, and dark chocolate is hidden in a closet. Neither coffee nor alcohol contain animal products of any kind ;) I will continue to consume honey, to eat animals at holidays and special occasions, and to not be hard to accommodate when I'm someone's guest.

The rest of the family is still eating whatever they want, though I feel this is only having a positive effect on what my kids eat.

Anyway, this has been about a week and a half now and I've already lost 5 pounds. I'm also "going to the bathroom" at least 5 times as much as I was before...frequency and quantity, good grief, I mean damn. It makes me feel SO MUCH LESS freaked about my hernia! Constant reassurance that I am nowhere near needing emergency surgery ;) Really, though.

And, I'm kind of shocked by how much LESS I'm eating. I mean I'm not putting any restrictions on myself at all as far as how often or much I eat, and I think it's still probably more than most people eat. And sometimes reactionary/not hunger related...it's just ending up being a lot less. Because it's more filling stuff? Because it's more nutritionally dense so my body wants less? Maybe both? Or maybe there aren't as many rich things to entice me ;) Sort of irrelevant.

I'm posting all that because I want to write about my menu plans re: tonight's grocery shopping. I'm psyched! I've been eating a lot of standard fare of ours, like kale and bean soup, salads, fruit, chips and salsa, curried chickpeas with brown rice, lentils, carrots and peanut butter, and oatmeal. But I've decided to branch out based on some experiments I've done, recipes I've looked up and things I've had out places. Some of the things I'm planning to do include:

-quinoa with a bunch of little sauteed junk thrown in, i.e., corn, peas, diced red and green bell pepper, onions, garlic and black olives
-coconut curry of onions, carrots, celery, broccoli and who knows what else, with rice
-sweet potato and black bean enchiladas with green chile sauce on top
-cauliflower tacos

I'm also mixing salsa into hummus because I'm weird like that, and bringing back the old but good waheni and wild rice mix that's loaded with mushrooms and cooked in broth that I used to make all the time. And non-dairy risotto full of mushrooms and almond slivers.

I am soy-phobic in addition to having a legitimate nasty reaction to concentrated soy protein, and Elise is out and out allergic, so standard "vegan alternatives" and manufactured fake foods don't work (or appeal, honestly). I've been doing some (non-protein) Odwalla bars and toasted edamame here and there and things like that seem to agree with me ok, as does soy sauce as a condiment. Also taking B12 every day, and I use nutritional yeast which has it.

Very much kicking around making this a permanent change. A real lifestyle change is what I need, and if I am not in a position to really alter my trigger-y and emotional eating, I can at least make sure I'm eating way better stuff. It's green and factory farming is horrifically disgusting. I've gone through weird meat aversions before and not eaten dairy for months at a time since I know it messes with me - it seems doable in many ways and much less restrictive than stopping to add up every calorie on Weight Watchers or stick to some precise very difficult formula with ETL.

I am totally reserving my right to watch Earthlings if I start to slip up too often, because I've been avoiding that, knowing it will ruin meat and cheese for me, like, forever.

I also think I found the place I'd like to get my surgery done when the time comes. It's in freakin' NYC, but having spent a week there that seems a lot more doable than it did when New York was like the moon to me. If I can go to Boston for months to have a baby, I can spend a week in New York for a surgery, right? It's not like it's happening tomorrow. They cater to and specialize in hispanic women, meaning this body type and this skin type. The galleries are SO much more things I can relate to (and would desire) than typical plastic surgery before and after galleries, I mean, gah. So while I don't feel GOOD about it...I feel better than I have.

It's interesting, not living in denial about my body. I have the peace that comes from accepting that I'm a work in progress and the hope that comes from knowing I'm doing things differently. But those are mixed in with the soul killing sight of myself as I actually am, rather than my standard idealized version. Don't get me wrong, I think in many ways I still have more confidence in my looks than many women do...but it's a whole hell of a lot less than I typically would. Being present in my own skin to experience my back aches and foot pain and hip weirdness is as jarring as looking in the mirror honestly is.

Also - I realize I'm "supposed" to be against street harassment, but damned if it isn't exactly the boost I need sometimes when men are telling me I'm beautiful or asking if I'll stop and talk as I ride by on my bike.

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We've been trying to decide on small pets for the little kids for the last couple of weeks - hamsters vs gerbils vs guineas vs rats, etc. The cages were priced higher than we wanted to deal with in stores, so I was scouring Craigslist for cheap, used cage options.

In the process, I found an ad for three ferrets with a large cage, all for $100.

I've always wanted to have ferrets, and the kids have always begged for ferrets whenever we go to pet stores, but I've never actually considered it because, 1. They stink, and 2. They're way too expensive. PetCo charges $115 for a ferret. The large cages they need can run up to $200 as well.

I kind of went "Huh" the first time I saw the ad. Then I kept seeing it popping up, and ended up talking with Grant about it, reading about ferrets, and texting the seller back and forth.

We ended up getting these 3 ferrets - 2 females, one male - for $75 with their giant tri-level cage that includes big ferret tubing and a hammock for them to lay in and she even threw in a vented carrier bag for transport.

This is awesome because:

-ferrets get along very well with cats, unlike most of those other options listed above that are prey for cats
-they have a longer life span than most small pets (6-10 years; these are just over one year now)
-they came to us spayed and neutered, which is a big expense and also cuts the smell down
-they're INCREDIBLY sweet and friendly and playful...Elise can sling one over her shoulder and it's happy as can be
-so far, they really don't smell almost at all - there's a faint animal smell if you put your nose in their fur but I can't even detect it on my hands after holding them.

Nevertheless I am armed and ready to combat ferret stink. I have:

-ferret shampoo to bathe them in
-conditioning, scent neurtralizing spray for between baths
-food that is known for neutralizing their smells
-water drops you add to minimize smells

So, hopefully this won't become an issue. The lady at PetCo told me hers doesn't smell, you just have to change the litter weekly. Thus far I feel thrilled that we made out like bandits. The little kids are thrilled. The big kids are jealous but they get to play with them, too, and they each have a cat.

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I am as usual a study in extremes. The good is mostly focused on how emotionally present and productive I'm being with all of the kids, and how happy they make me. We got letter and word beads today to make bracelets and necklaces for everyone. We all laughed forever in that homemade tent about the hilarious idea of Ananda making one that says Lord of the Rings, and Elise making one that says Tinkerbell, and Isaac making one that says cawbohydwates (his favorite thing). The bad is concentrated around surgery and medical terror, which manifests in ALL KINDS OF WAYS, like bad downward spiral overeating, all-day vice-like tension in my neck and shoulders, an inability to sleep at night...all kinds of fun stuff. A well meaning anonymous commenter left a pretty terrifying story in a previous entry. I am still planning to get this done at the end of the summer...

But...I really am super happy and excited about kid stuff. And my own stuff. I'm working on page layouts for my childrens' book, now that Memo sent me initial sketches, and it's so awesome to even think about.

*shrug* I drop things down the well internalize pretty well.

Yesterday was terrible, and lasted 24 (conscious) hours. Highlights:

-I went to the college FOUR TIMES, speaking to multiple people each time, and STILL don't have everything I need to sorted out. I went to advisement twice, testing once, financial aid three times and registration twice. I took them our tax returns from 2010 and 2009, Grant's W2 and 1099 from this year, and so many forms printed off their website. I was told that I did, didn't, did and didn't have to take the CPT, that the emails I'd received actually said the wrong things, I mean - WTF?!

-As I was running back and forth in and out of my house, my sister was good enough to be here hanging around with my kids. I really appreciate this, as I live only about a mile from the college and so it was quick to keep coming back to print/dig through the fire safe/etc but would have been ridiculous to tote all the kids in and out of the van for each time. BUT, she noticed right away that my hernia was sticking out way more than usual, and was way more noticeable in general, and kept saying I need to get it checked out, need to go to the doctor, etc. I of course realize this is nothing wrong on her part. It's just hard for me to hear, and I knew she was right.

-One of our chickens randomly died of unknown causes. It was Belina, the buff orpington and my favorite. Ananda found her and was grossed out but ok, Aaron and Isaac were fine with it, but Jake (the owner) was very sad for a few minutes and Elise was HYSTERICAL when Grant was removing the body because, we found, she just had no idea what death really meant :/ Her brothers and sisters "die" in video games. So we had to have this horrible talk about the permanency of death, and how it happens to everyone, that made her cry hard. And made me cry. FYI, I have been reading that apparently buff orpingtons sometimes have trouble with heat? It's not summer here yet and she made it through last year but Belina was always noticeably warmer to the touch than all the other chickens, so, who knows...makes me think we shouldn't get more orps like I was kind of planning to, to replace her with.

-I went to the hospital with Grant. We spent about 10 hours there, re-hashing our thoroughly hashed marital strife when we weren't playing hangman, trying not to fall asleep in front of the tv, or worried sick. I had a CT scan and they do think I need to get this business fixed asap, and it is worse, but that it is not an emergency thus far and there is no current blockage or tissue necrosis. Great, but terrible, basically. Also, I got a lovely lecture from the doctor about how I could lose weight by eating smaller portion sizes, or eating more often so I don't feel hungry. Wow, thank you doctor. O_O

Basically it was not fun, or even ok. We got home at like 6 am and I had to take a shower to get all the hospital tape glue and potential MRSA off of me, whilst trying to forget the lovely way my mouth fills with a metallic taste everytime I have an IV flushed (3 times, last night) and the way it makes my previous epidural site go crazy and trigger me into a tightly tense, cold, withdrawn mess.

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Today, I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, feeling way more relaxed than I consciously had in what felt like forever.

The weather was perfect. My children were happy to see me. I took just Ananda and Aaron and we returned Annie's library books, ordered a new one she wants from Spellbound Books, and went out to Knaus Berry where Aaron bought cinnamon rolls for the family. Then we went in the back to investigate their U-Pic, since it's something we've never done. I think I'll be taking the little kids, soon. Lots of good conversation while driving :)

Back at the ranch, I escorted the little kids around the block on their various wheels (trike, bike, scooter) and cuddled Elise and explained why she can't nurse today ("Mommy's blood is fully of radioactive contrast fluid today, sweetie"...that's not really what I said). Talked phonics with Isaac.

Grant was miserably depressed and had a headache. I felt guilty for feeling happy. He encouraged me not to, blah blah blah...

Later in the evening, after some grocery shopping just-us-and-Elise, the two of us went and saw "Limitless" and it was pretty good. ALSO, we went on the way and got chinese takeout and drinks and snacks from a CVS, and my (homemade, sugar skull, bottomless pit of a) purse is so big that we put ALL of that in there, and consumed it during the movie.

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I am kind of freaking about how my emotional eating might actually kill me sometime soon and how I don't know how to stop it and how it's a downward spiral that makes me want to eat a lot. Grant and my problems also make me want to eat.

On the plus side, Memo...I am tired of taking the time to call him "my old artist friend, the one who does tattoos now"...Memo has sketches done already, for illustrations for my childrens' book, and is telling me I have to wait to see the cover for last, and in general his interest and enthusiasm are contagious and make me feel really excited about the whole thing :)

I'm also hopeful about school, and income a few years down the line, and supplemental income we'll have in the meantime just from financial aid while I'm attending...but I am also seriously bitterly suspicious that just when I get my stuff all worked out and settled in so I can start in good standing...I will be re-hospitalized for who knows how long and screw up my whole record and attendance again and go from "getting off academic probation from the last time the shit hit the fan" to "seriously even more complicated to ever try to go back".

I'm very up in the air about school for the kids, too. I know Elise is going to be going to preschool in the mornings in the fall, because she's insanely excited and got in and can go free and it's super close and well recommended and I think it will be good for her speech. It's just 9-12 am and is mostly playing with other kids, i.e. her favorite activity on earth. Ananda and Aaron will be taking a writing and a science class, respectively, offered via PATH enrichment over a 6 week period, starting in May. Other than that? BAH.

Let me tell you a couple of things that have happened:
A and A conquered their biggest worry-me hurdles on their own. She writes willingly now, and he socializes constantly. They really reassured me that homeschoolers allowed to do their own thing generally progress just fine, and that if you don't turn everything into a battle or force it, kids will move forward because they want to, which is so much better. I am scared to lose that with school. I was thinking of how if Annie had been in school all day, busy with school things, and being forced to write a lot of stuff she didn't want to, she (likely) never would have come up with a whole big long story in her head, or had the (time/energy)resources or desire to painstakingly record it all...likewise if Aaron had been surrounded by other kids, possibly getting picked on, at his most awkward, I am not sure he would have found his way so happily into a crowd by now.

Also, Ananda is pouring over astronomy books and websites constantly lately, anytime she isn't reading pretty advanced fiction (like the Lord of the Rings trilogy). She tells me things I didn't know constantly. She searches out constellations and is asking for a telescope. She's saying she wants to be a chef and/or an astronomer. I just love it. This is another one of those things, those "child-led learning" things that come from kids not having their natural love of learning destroyed by a lot of worksheets, waiting and moving onto the next subject when they're really into something they aren't anywhere near done with yet.

The various crises in Japan have really sparked Aaron's interest. We spent almost 2 hours straight the other night watching videos, drawing diagrams and pouring over articles together, until my brain was nearly dripping out of my ears - but he kept pace with me every step of the way, and now both of us understand atomic structure, molecular structure, fusion, fission, how a nuclear bomb detonates and what happens afterward, how nuclear power is generated, half lives, radioactive decay, radiation sickness, and so much more. This has continued to be built on every day, and has led into study of things like Chernobyl, Turkey Point (our local nuclear power plant), coal burning plants, alternative energy - it just never ends. I love learning like this.

I really believe that in one evening he learned more than most kids do in all of elementary school science, and that it will stick better because he was really into it, having a one on one conversation and struggling to understand with his whole focus the entire time.

I don't want to lose, or limit this. Grant and I are talking a lot about him supporting and helping with me going to school while keeping them home (something he is fully on board for - Grant REALLY wants them homeschooled, I am the one who wanted to send them because I wanted to have that huge chunk of independence in my own life...which I still kind of do. Grappling, like I said). I'm still waiting to see whether they got into the charter school, but more and more I am just grossed out by the whole issue and kind of amazed by how well they do just as they are. even when we "aren't doing much" they are CONSTANTLY learning.

I am also tossing around "just giving it a semester", "just giving it a year", and sending the little kids but keeping the big ones home. I still think the cultural experience of attending school is valuable. Just not sure if it's any more so than the greatness that is never having been to school. Still think structure and schedules can be important. *shrug* I found out if they got in at the end of next month, it could all be a moot point I suppose.

Slightly off-topic: Ananda and Aaron had another epic sleepover up at Cybele's, and LOVED IT and came home ultra-excited and can't wait to go back next weekend. Cybele has a house on a big canal (full of manatees) up in the Gables, with a pool and canoes docked there, and a dog and cat, and a vegetarian daughter for Annie and a juggling son for Aaron. They went and met like 10 other PATH kids to see Rango the first day, and did some charitable ice cream event on Sunday, and generally just have a blast.

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We decided, at the end of a neverendingly long decision process, to re-home Chrysanthemum and keep 2 kittens in her stead. We just don't have the resources to own so many cats, at least not with any level of responsibility, and 1. we are much more emotionally attached to the kittens, as well as 2. a pure bread, $500 maine coon is much easier to find a home for than a mixed breed, "run of the mill" cat. I submitted her case to a maine coon rescue organization and sure enough, she was wanted by someone within 2 days.

I felt way more sad than I expected to when I dropped her off. And now I am unduly irritated by how the new owner (in emails I keep getting copied on) has already re-named her "Isabella" and is calling her Bella. Grumblegrumble...

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We are tentatively planning for me to get my stomach fixed in 5-ish months. That's when Grant's new job will be offering him health insurance. There's no guarantee we can get all or even some of my junk covered, but we can't try until we have coverage in place. I'm also going to be looking at the college schedule and all that. We can get a loan or something if we have to...but I think having a date in mind for when go-time is will help me to lose weight. As it's been not knowing has made it seem so open ended and like I can get around to buckling down in a vague and hazy future that'll eventually arrive.

...or having a date will cause me to raid the fridge late at night out of terror of going back into major surgery. We'll see, won't we?

I have counseling again on Friday. I think Grant is going back Thursday.

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Aaron: Mom, if we knew the things to make little firecrackers, would you make them with me?
Me: Sure.
Aaron: First I thought about tiny nuclear bombs but then I realized, no way, that's just too powerful.

Also: Ananda recently made these Nutella Cheesecake Gooey Cakebars. They are something to behold.

And, I never got around to posting this here, but man I love it. We all piled in this little photobooth at the bowling alley :D


In total contrast, look at these two beautiful children totally peaceful:


And in total contrast to how identical they look, look at this old shot...6 years ago, I suppose:

Crazy stuff. I will never quite grasp how that happened :p

Anyway, back to recent shots - when we were in Lakeland Elise picked out a "princess kit" she wanted, and she REALLY, REALLY LOVED IT.






Somebody traded some arcade tickets for this. It's like this concept was designed with Jake in mind, I think...

He was in his carseat and Grant was pretending to not know who he was or where Jake actually went, and Jake said, "Dad, it's just me in a disguise!" It was really funny.

TOO TIRED TO CONTINUE ENTRY.

I spent the first half of the day mostly hiding behind closed doors, so the kids wouldn't see that I wasn't coping well with INSANE abdominal pain. I can only compare it to contractions during transition: but it wasn't like that, just a pain level similarity. I came out periodically, gritting my teeth, to ask Ananda and Aaron to do things I'd never ask them to do normally, like diaper and dress a naked Elise, finish making the oatmeal that was almost done, and make sure Jake didn't go outside. I talked to Laura and to Grant on the phone, going in a couple of hours from "I don't know what's wrong...but something is wrong" to "I need help...NOW".

The second half of the day I spent in the ER, which was sort of a relief, because I knew my kids were in the capable hands of my sister, I could lean on Grant (though I couldn't actually LEAN, as that was agony...), hospitals automatically make me dissociate, and I knew there was strong pain medication on the agenda for the very near future.

THEN...I had to lay on my back while a doctor palpated and generally tortured the hurt area. I nearly screamed, which is A LOT for me. I lay there trying to recover for awhile afterward, before being taken to x-ray, where I realized...it didn't hurt anymore.

The pain was just...gone. After my tests it was time for the pain meds the examining doc had ordered and I remembered wanting so badly...but I was like...there's no reason. I don't need them now?

I have experienced this same pain, right up front in the middle by my diastasis, for an hour or two several times over the past week, but it's never been so severe or stuck around so long. I was really weirded out to suddenly have my appetite back and be reading a novel in triage, after NINE HOURS of misery.

My diagnosis is "intermittent obstruction". The theory being that some intestines or what have you are slipping through the big hole in my muscles, and then I eat or whatever and they swell and can't come back through, and then it hurts really bad until they're freed up again. Which laying flat on my back and having the doctor push and prod them apparently did. And I am supposed to muster the fortitude to do that myself should this situation arise again before I get a reparative surgery. Thus far I do not have intestinal inflammation or infection or death from lack of circulation, as my white count is normal and things look ok on CT scan.

Good News: They really think I can get just a normal hernia repair, like cut open skin, sew muscles shut, sew skin shut. It's sometimes outpatient, or a single night stay. Nothing like a full on tummy tuck REMOVING excess skin and fat and shaving muscles down and so forth that takes six weeks to recover from.

Bad News: I have to get it done pretty damn soon :/ They say I've "gotten lucky" so far that the obstruction keeps clearing. A doctor actually said to me, "You cannot get constipated, you'll end up in emergency surgery".


So here I sit in the house my sister cleaned very well while I was away, after largely unattended children had completely trashed it. With all my kids tucked into their beds, I'm feeling strangely anticlimactic, relieved, confused, burdened, and emotionally exhausted. Somehow I don't see sleep coming so easily.