Life's been good to me so far

Sometimes, when everyone is trying to talk to me at once or I'm on the phone or I'm just frazzled trying to cook dinner...oh hell all the time, but especially in the van when he's two rows behind me and hard to hear or I'm yelling "What?!" through the locked door while Grant and I have "adult time"...it makes me NUTS how Isaac overtalks. He runs everything he has to say through a filter that multiplies it by 5. For instance, when someone else might say, "Can I have a popsicle?" Isaac will say, "Hey Mom, I was wondering, and I know I already had a treat this morning, but I just LOVE the flavor you have when I saw it in the freezer and I PROMISE I will eat my dinner so do you think that just MAYBE please please please I could have a popsicle, and I promise I'll throw away the wrapper and not leave the stick on the table?"

I am not exaggerating. I'm not even doing what is phonetically exaggerating but spelled correctly, however that works. Most of what Isaac says to me tends to be asking for something. It's especially exasperating because, 1. he tends to just not hear my "yes" and ask again in a minute, in ways that make NO SENSE, 2. I am not some hardass he has to manipulate by any stretch of the imagination. He really could just ask and get the same damn results. And 3., I have talked to him about it several times.

Typical conversation starts with me doing homework or editing at the main computer:

Isaac: "Mom?"
Me: "Mmhmm?"
Isaac: "I wanted to ask you a question, and I know you're doing something, and I know it isn't dark yet and we can't usually use computers before it gets dark, but -"
Jake, who is eavesdropping and sees where this is going and wants to get the drop on Isaac: "MOM CAN I USE THE LAPTOP?!"
Isaac: "Mom no don't listen to Jake, that isn't fair at all, I was just getting ready to ask you a question and Jakey heard me and so he's trying to cheat, but I was already going to tell you that I was wondering - "
Elise, who heard Jake: "NO MOM LET ME USE THE LAPTOP!!"
Isaac (getting frantic, near tears): "Elise is doing the same thing Jake is doing, they're mean and we're a family and they're supposed to be nice, I just wanted to ask you a question and they're ruining everything, can you please send them out of the room so I can ask you without anyone else interrupting?"
Me: "Isaac, I know you want to use the laptop. You can. Next time just ask without the big leadup."
Jake: "Can I be after him?"
Me: "Sure."
Jake: "Yay! I get to use the laptop!"
Isaac: "Wait, what? He can use the laptop? I wanted to use the laptop! I know it isn't dark yet and we usually have to wait until it's dark but - "
Elise: "Me being after Jake?"
Isaac: "NO! No, it's not jake, it's me, Mom tell them to leave I can't even ask you anything -"
Me: "Isaac I said YOU CAN USE THE LAPTOP. YOU CAN USE THE LAPTOP. The answer is YES! Ok?"
Isaac: "...oh. Alright! Thank you mommy, I'll set a timer so Jake knows when it's his turn and then Elise can set a timer for Jake, I'm just gonna get on pbskids.org or starfall and I'll see you in a little while!"

)*(%#)$(*#(@_#)!_@)+)#$_(&$*&#^$%^@#&%^!!!

Isaac has so much anxiety, and I feel bad because it's gotten to where, at times, it is hilarious...like the other day when he was sobbing and going crazy because someone else got to the rocket Grant helped the kids' launch before him to bring it back, and Jake casually said "Somebody's making a fussy wussy again". *sigh* I don't know how to not laugh about that. It doesn't help him any that everybody else in the house is unusually chill, I guess.

Isaac is really the only one who seems to feel as though he's in competition with the other kids or like he is threatened by being one of several. I really don't think we favor anyone in daily life but...I don't know, I guess when I think of it Isaac has such a low threshold for EVERYTHING and really, sibling issues are just one tiny part of the complex web that is "life's frustrations".

On to pics and daily life:
This little dog followed us to and from the trolley both trips one day last week. Elise also played with him in our front yard for about half an hour, before his owner came home and called him (with plenty of scolding for escaping again).


Necessary supplies for trolley riding.


She and I waited for TWO AND A HALF HOURS outside of advisement at the college. I downloaded three different pbskids games for her to play during much of the time. I am really feeling like "How did I live before an iPhone?" increasingly often.


What I see when I try to take an afternoon nap.


Grant had the day off Thursday and was able to come with us to the kids' symphony camp's end-of-camp show. Jake ended up grouped in with some older kids and actually playing songs on his tiny violin, and Aaron had a flute solo. Annie and Isaac did great, too, they knew their parts very well and you can really see everyone learned a lot...Grant took more videos and things that will be forthcoming.


Not long after bringing them home, I drove Grant to the airport - he's been in California for work and is getting back late tomorrow. He's been taking and uploading pics here - http://www.flickr.com/photos/itswalkertime

In the meantime, I have other lovers.



:p

This was Elise and my lunch Friday while the kids were at their last day of camp - eaten salted, on crackers.


We have thunderstorms rolling in every afternoon now.

I let my kids jump on the trampoline in thunderstorms, which is something I remember doing with much fondness. It's kind of hilarious because I've taught them to count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder to know how close it is, and to come in if the lightning gets too close. So I'll walk out there under the deck roof to peak at them and see everyone stop jumping and laughing when there's a flash, and counting on their fingers until the thunder, and then basically being like "GAME ON!"

The parking lot of the library where we go for TLC is SO BEAUTIFUL.



I mean, as parking lots go, you know?

Ananda. *sigh*


Little kids waving to Daddy. There's been a lot of texting going on.




Laura brought Brian and Elizabeth and they all hung out with Karen and I, and Georgia (Karen's little daughter/Elise's best friend). The big kids always vanish to the connected community center to socialize as though their parents aren't in the next building over the whole time.








Outside of Whole Foods eating Rice Dream pies.


Gorgeous tomatoes.


Mmm...




I spent a long time on phone calls yesterday morning - to get everything in order for my older four kids' homeschool evaluations (and letters of intent, for the little boys), and Elise's doctor paperwork and VPK hoohaw, for preschool in the mornings. We're just about ready to go and everyone will be (re/)starting next Monday, the 22nd.

I'm taking everyone up to St Louis for church in the morning. Church is actually way easier WITHOUT Grant, because he is just way more stressed by having them all in Mass, and more distracted by trying to parent in church, than I am. I've suggested he sit on the other side of the sanctuary from us several times :p

This is a little 20 second clip of the latest thing Aaron's come up with lately, on the piano:


I'm trying to figure out what to do with Ananda re: music and art...her GMYS (Greater Miami Youth Symphony) teacher from camp is suggesting we take her up to the Miami Dade Kendall campus on Sunday afternoons, where they have a specific cello and bass teacher, for cello, rather than bringing her to the local Friday afternoon lessons her brothers will be continuing at - since they don't really have a teacher that is a cellist, so they can only get her so far. As it is, I will be at the Kendall campus on Saturday mornings for class (it's about half an hour away); I don't know how much of our weekends I want to commit, here...weekends are seeming more precious lately what with Grant's work weeks leaving him little time at home. But I think that would be really good for Annie, and it's FREE (aside from gas, I guess).

Her art therapist just moved to a neighborhood that's half an hour away, rather than >15, like it has been (we go to her). So that will be more of a drive, though it is flexible scheduling. I could presumably set it up so that her cello and art therapy are both on Sundays to save on gas and hassle but then that is gonna eat up all of Sunday afternoon every week.

I was also perusing the Dance Empire fall schedule, since I still get the registration emails, and it kind of sucks that we really can't put them in anything even if we can afford it...they aren't offering anything for the ages/levels that A and A are on, on days we could actually do it. Year before last, they rearranged their whole schedule for Aaron's availability...but I'm not really willing to have dance take over our entire lives again (they did that because they knew he'd give them an edge competing; it's not worth it to them if we aren't going to do a lot of travelling with them and have them there for a lot of special rehearsals). I alternately think it is just fine that we aren't doing that anymore...and literally gut-wrenching :/ Parenting is hard, man! I feel such guilt when I think of how Tawanna especially taught Aaron for free, paid his way to competitions, etc as an investment, and how she was SO HAPPY and hugging and thanking me at the end of the Broadway show...but it's like...the little kids and I were spending OUR LIVES in the car and twiddling our thumbs at the park between driving, and it got so unmanageable so fast (we paid $600 just for recital costumes that year, and hundreds more for tickets and dvds of shows, and let's just not discuss New York). Both of them miss it a lot. But they also have instruments and scouting and social lives they didn't then, now. Ananda gets zero excercise, though. But she really doesn't have a dance body type. Argh.

Soooo yeah, over and out.

Me, my 5 kids, Laura, and her 2 kids are gathered around the dining table starting to eat.

Me: Ok, let's pray everybody.
*general cacophany as they all try to cram two bites in their mouths and get a sip of tea before we start...then, quiet.*
Me: God, thank you so much for all this yummy food -
Brian: Yeah!
Me: And for this great day -
Brian: Yay!
Me: And help us to remember you in everything we do and to have a good night. Amen.
Brian: *clapping wildly* WOOHOO!
Laura: He's Baptist.

---

I'm contemplating sending Isaac and Jake to first and K at the fine arts charter school that is like, 3 blocks from my house and attached to City Church, where we sometimes attend services.

Pros:
-They REALLY WANT TO GO. BAD.
-That is super close, and already familiar
-the school is small, and well rated (and I know some of the super nice staff)
-Jake and Isaac are both really academic and social, they don't have any of the issues Ananda and Aaron do (dyslexia, selective mutism, SID)
-it would be kind of a relief in some ways

Cons:
-It would be a little overwhelming to deal with the scheduling aspect of structured school - we've never dealt with having to get up early every morning or having to do things at peak times when everything is crowded, and there will surely be times when specifically homeschool activities that are still important to A and A interfere with pick-up times...especially with Grant on this late schedule it seems challenging. This might seem menial if you're used to school, but we're used to road trips and have a whole family slumber party tomorrow night and left my mother in law's at 2 am last night. It would be a massive adjustment.
-We are beyond broke right now, with all these medical things following NY, so the uniforms and supplies could be truly prohibitive, whereas I have everything I need here already for homeschooling them
-uniforms, what? Come on. So weird.
-Just weird in general to send a couple of them to school when we're so entrenched, as a family, in homeschool
-this might not even be an option, for all I know they have an insane waiting list

---

There's a meteor shower tonight at around 11:30...for South Florida anyway...and I'm thinking of driving out to the Everglades with the kids to check it out.

The AM will be all Usborne, all the time. I'm heading out alone to talk to various people and then coming home and making a million calls.

In between, school, and maybe scones and tea outside with books.

Today I cooked up a storm. For today, I made...

-french toast and "ethical bacon" for breakfast
-deliciously amazing Italian pot roast with tons of onions, garlic, whole mushrooms, basil from my garden, broth and so on, along with olive oil and salt roasted potatoes, and rolls, for dinner

For tomorrrow,

-strawberry and (grain sweetened!)chocolate chip (spelt!)muffins
-(fresh)spinach and (fresh!) artichoke dip, WITHOUT mayo...it's a yogurt base, with some cream cheese, powdery parmesan, shredded mozarrella, a tad of chicken broth, some flour, salt and pepper, onions and garlic sauteed in butter, etc added in

Also I repotted my kitchen window plants, finally, and led my kids to shovel up some of the dirt and rocks we're clearing from an area of the side yard and then helped them use it (1.5 overflowing wheelbarrows full) to fill in the dips under the privacy fence in the backyard, where the chickens will roam free during the days.



This is Belina, Jake's chicken, who I think is my favorite.

Ananda, Aaron and I went to the feed store today where I learned that a massive bale of hay is only $6.95. We got that for the coop, along with a hanging waterer and later at Lowe's with the whole family, a dowel for them to roost on. And seeds for gorgeous neon rainbow chard for our garden. We got rainbow chard in our produce share - before that I had never had it. I was immediately like, we have to grow this ourselves.



I feel so crazily incredibly productive lately. I went around the corner to Winn Dixie with just Isaac for something. I read to everyone before bed. We all made our beds when we got up. I've loaded the dishwasher three times today, and after all that cooking my kitchen is relatively clean. And WOW my window with new plants and repotting, I guess it sounds silly but really, we love it. Aaron was like, "Mom, that is so beautiful!" Just these big light green plants that fill it up, with all this light behind them. I got aaaaaaaaaaall the piled up books and things off the library table and reshelved. And maintained the tv room and library from yesterday. And just all this crap that's starting to seem...easy. I mean I also sat around on the deck in a rocking chair, crocheting Isaac's ripple blanket and watching the chicks as I talked to my mom on the phone. I'm not running like some sort of madwoman all day long.

I burned myself with splattering oil earlier, though. Olive oil gone awry. I have a big purple welt to show for it that hurt increasingly bad for about half an hour after it happened. The other arm just has little individual dots from rogue droplets that sprayed it's way.

---

Big two sucky things:

1. A dear friend's niece just got diagnosed with leukemia. She's only 5. It's a distraction today - I know how it would feel to me if my sister's child was going through something like that...

2. Elise is going through a major cry-about-everything phase. And it is a fairly normal time for that...she is having a lot of developmental leaps. A lot of independence. I know this is how kids act when they're toddlers and when they're teenagers - everything is intense as they move forward and pull back over and over. But it's her. So, say, last night while she bawled her head off about having to go to bed I was simultaneously imagining two different horrible scenarios. The one where she is starting to cry increasingly more and more because she's about to display that she's actually autistic or is otherwise reverting to acting like a child with massive brain damage. And also the one where all this crying is causing major cortisol that is actually increasing damage to her little brain.

She is not doing anything unusual. She plays with her brothers, mostly sleeps through the night, eats meals and looks at books and asks to nurse and goes to the fridge, gets out baby carrots and takes them to the rabbits. She tells me things with words and also with gestures and pointing and sounds. She ran to get me because she let my cat out by accident, earlier. She's alert and aware and it's ridiculous for me to freak about nonsense. Except that every now and then I think how ridiculous it is for us to just assume it's all smooth sailing from here, when you consider her history.

And I don't get any kind of reassurance out of doctors, either. They say she is just miraculous. That every good thing is gravy and she seems perfectly fine. That there might be learning disabilities down the line but for now she's advanced in some areas. It's just uncharted territory.

Which should be - and mostly is! - good enough for me.

---

Tomorrow I'm dropping Jake and Elise off with my sister and taking the older 3 on a PATH bowling trip. They're psyched.

Last Saturday, Laura and I took the 6 of them (counting her Brian) to the Frost Museum at FIU. It was SO COOL! Totally free event, free parking and all - they had clay, painting, face painting, mask making, jewelry and bead stuff, cupcakes and frozen yogurt, a live singing performance by a theater group for the kids - and the regular interactive cool kids' things that are always there, and FREE TOURS and then I got two books that are normally ridiculously expensive college textbooks for $5! One on gothic art and one on Native American women.

( many pictures from that event/day )

I walk back in to ask a question before we head out.

Me: Laura?
Frank, from the next room: She's taking a dump.
Laura, from the bathroom: I AM NOT!
Frank: Yes she is.
Laura: No I am not!
Frank: You wouldn't admit it even if you were.
Laura: I'm PEEING.
Frank: You're so fake. (to Brian, who's laying in front of him mid-change) Why are you getting changed, Brian? Why do you need a new diaper? What did you do?
Brian: SHART!

Also, Frank is a fire fighter. Last shift while they were on the way to a call, their fire truck caught on fire. They tried to put it out with their own hose, but everytime they revved the RPMs to get water pressure, more flames shot out of the engine. So they had to call more fire fighters to put them out.

And it had a lot of super cute clothes in it - I mean tons of really, really cute stuff.

But there was this one skirt and shirt that took the cake, for me. Laura and I were squealing and squeeing about it. I mean...geez. My baby + this outfit = !!!!!







She is all banged up :/ She's too fearless for a 10 month old...she's gotten so good at walking, and now she can walk FAST and climb far too well (from the block table to the bench and right up over the back of the couch in under 30 seconds, for instance - things like up onto Isaac's toddler bed stopped being hard long ago).

YESTERDAY it was so bad I didn't even want to take her out - I thought somebody would call the cops on us or something! We went to the zoo as it was Grant's day off and the whole time I was aware of it. She had, in addition to that forehead knot and the hairline bang, a vertical line bruise on one cheek and a red side of her nose. She thinks it's a good idea to play rough with her big brothers, among other things, but they are pretty gentle with her...it's usually her own fault when she goes diving or careening.

Still adorable.

( Click for more fearlessness, and other unrelated goodness )

Yesterday was Aaron's 6th birthday. I knew it was coming, and Ananda's birthday was weeks ago...and yet I spent the whole day feeling completely caught off guard by the idea that Ananda and Aaron are 7 and 6. Not babies, or toddlers, or preschoolers - not even kindergardeners...they're just kids. Big old kids. My dynamic duo is going to be grown before I know it. I HAVE A 7 AND A 6 YEAR OLD.

Aaron had a GREAT day. The night before, in bed, he asked me "You know what I want more than anything else?" in a wistful tone. The answer was, "Time alone with Dad, every day." I repeated that to Grant who replied, "Yeah, but no pressure, right?"

He had time with Dad. They went out and had lunch and got his presents and Aaron was freaking thrilled. When he got home we had his cake ready and the dining room decorated. Ananda and Robbie had collaborated on both. Laura was here with Brian, as well.

That's Darth Vader as the biggest candle in the center.




For anyone who hasn't seen Grant's amazing video gift to Aaron, you can see it at his lj - theneolistickid. I think Aaron must like it more than his material gifts, since he wants to sit and watch it ALL DAY LONG. I cap individual sessions watching it at 10 minutes, mostly because I get tired of hearing the sound over and over.

I thought so much about this 7 and 6 thing, that I had to go looking through all my old pictures - and because they're just SO OLD that back when I used to take pictures of them as "little kids" we used film, and got it developed only on hard copy, I had to scan some things in to share.

( memory lane with A and A )

While Aaron was out shopping with Daddy and Annie decorated with Robbie, we had Baby Bonding Time with Elise and Brian.


( more )


Things are up and down with me. Isaac is behaving better than he ever has in his life, and I'm starting to stop being suspicious about it. Pray for me, everyone ;) Really though it's cool. He is very, very whiny and I think on some level that just might be who he is going to be...but he's also really articulate and cute and generally a nice kid, albeit in a very wimpy and easily upset way. The same way he surprised me by knowing how to count and say his ABCs with no help from me, over 6 months ago, he's now shocked me by being able to recognize written numbers reliably (single digit, of course). He came to my sister to "read her this book, Curious George". He sat down and opened it up and made sure she was paying full attention, and said, "This is a monkey..his name is George............Maaa-AAN, can you help me with these words?!" As if he forgot he can't actually read, and was super dissapointed by it O_o



Ananda is manifesting some moodiness that is easily remedied whenever it comes up, so long as I address it. I'm glad she's finally showing something. She's acted all this time as if nothing - waking up to find me gone and in hospital for 6 days, seeing her baby sister covered in tubes and wires and unconscious, me crying in front of them and explaining brain damage and then the ER last week - has effected her, when I KNOW it does, and A LOT, probably more than any of the others. It's scary to walk in on your dad stuffing gauze into an open wound in your mom's belly, especially when you faint at the sight of a drizzle of your own blood. It's totally her style to not let on that she's phased by anything until it's safe again. So, it is a very good thing to me that she is starting to feel safe enough to express some negativity and let on that this has been hard. Now I'll find her, tall as my armpits, draped over the computer chair in the office wearing jeans and a tie dye tshirt and looking distant. I wonder when she got that old. She's always been that complex, but traditionally it looks very out of place because you aren't used to seeing an introspective 3 year old or a brooding, contemplating toddler or whatever. Now it's like...I can see the teenager coming. I am afraid for the woman she'll be, because if I were her, after everything she's seen me go through...I'd be TERRIFIED of ever getting pregnant :/ As it is, being me, I am TERRIFIED of ever getting pregnant again. I HOOOOOOIIIST her up into my lap (she is so freakin heavy now) and if I talk long enough, she'll start to talk back, and then in under half an hour she's back to her old self. By which I mean, her pre-Elise self, not the quieter and almost freakishly obedient kid she's been for the past few weeks. It's funny, she wanted a sister so badly, but the boys are all much more taken with Elise than she is. Annie doesn't have the energy to care about a baby right now. She says dutiful things about her clothes being adorable or smiles back at her in the van, when Elise is cooing at her, but there is this heaviness. Like she's weary of all this baby hooplaw and just wants to get on with life. I suppose I would be too, and hope that I can manifest that for her as a mom (getting on with life, now). Not to spoil the surprise, as I assume the Mommy in question won't spill the beans, but tomorrow we're making a half-birthday card for her new penpal.

Kristin called earlier, it's the first time I've talked to her since my blessingway. She'd heard and then read what was going on, though, from Laura. It was a great conversation, and I'm going to a triple Blessingway at her house for three of my favorite LLL members, this Saturday. Kristin throws THE BEST parties, she's just the perfect balance of funky, hilarious, unique, genuinely fun but still kid friendly and health conscious...she just rocks. I have a ton of adorable already-outgrown newborn diapers and clothes and so on, to give the expectant mamas, and some new stuff we never even got the chance to use. I'm trying to think of the perfect thing to make (food). That will be just Elise and I, and then on Tuesday she's going to come over and pick up A and A and take them back to her place. Ananda LOVES her, and Aaron loves her son, and she has a pool, so I hope they have a blast. I'm planning on getting them a playdate a couple of doors down this weekend, and we're going back to the church with the great kids' program on Sunday.

Tomorrow a PATH mama is bringing us dinner, since it's Friday. And let me tell you, when I saw who it is, I felt like a total LOSER! I mean, ok, not really because I understand that I'm in that transitional new baby period, and that I'll find my groove and that Elise has had special needs...but this woman who's cooking for US, and bringing our food from a town half an hour away, and all joyously and as her own voluntary idea...has 9 kids. Seriously. She's also slender and consistently dresses fashionably. And when they show up, all of them, at PATH events, those kids are SO GOOD, and polite, and so happy and healthy and gorgeous looking, and clean and neat - Laura told me when she walks in the door, I need to lock it behind her and demand she be my personal life coach. I may do just that. It was our old babysitter and her mom who brought us our last PATH dinner, and she volunteered to help me out anytime this summer while she was here, so maybe I'm going to end up getting a lot more than just food out of these dinners ;)

Huge plus - Jake and I are back to running through metaphorical meadows arm and arm again. Slow motion and dandelion fluff all the way. Just getting his nap routine back in place, with that afternoon nursing and sleep time, has been HUGE. And then making the ten minutes when he firsts wakes up strictly for cuddling with him or carrying him around. That is enough to carry him through the rest of the day as he runs around barely taking notice of me. The morning nursing and cuddling has worked out for awhile, since he wakes up earlier than Elise, and that helped, but the afternoons are the pivotal thing.

It's occuring to me that this particular entry might be innapropriately long. I apologize, if so. The "sleeplessness" side effect of phenobarbital withdrawal is starting to manifest in Elise, and I've been walking back and forth between two computers on our network and writing this in between rockings, pattings, talking, trying to lay her down, getting back up, nursing and typing with one hand, for...uh...a long time.

The only other things I'd like to say, to any interested parties, are that, 1. Grant's newest contract is working out REALLY well so far - it's easily fit in between and around other obligations, is well within his skill set, and pays very well for the time required, and 2. I was having some major mother stress, but it is resolved. She had medical tests that came back just fine, and emotional stuff that I think we've mostly resolved. I am ready to get back to daily phone check ins that hopefully continue for the next half century...or so ;)