Life's been good to me so far

Friday:
Grant was at work this day, so it was just me and the kids. Right Start Math with A and A - they LOVE this program, and don't ever want to stop when it's time.

Ananda and Aaron also both had soccer games in the evening. Laura brought Brian and we had a big picnic-y shmorgasborg while they played, with all the little ones. There is this one guy, Ian, who is a dad of one of Aaron's teammates, who has done work with Grant at some time in the past, and over the course of the soccer season we've sort of become friends. His wife hadn't come as they had twins a few weeks back - twins that are co-sleeping and breastfeeding, how awesome is that? Point being, she was there this time and the two of them were each wearing a (tiny! weeks old!) baby in an Ultimate Baby Wrap. So cute.

Then I took my kids and hit it to Game Night at the bookstore, where I found out via cell that my husband had sent my mom more money (hundreds), which freaked me out, because I had just refused to give her more money the day before and then she called him at work - knowing he has a hard time saying no. We had just given her a ton of money to move back to Jax with earlier that week (thousands), all because she was flighty and decided to go back after we had just paid a bunch of money to bring her down here last month (thousands). This most recent bit was supposed to be covered by some check that has still not arrived in the mail. I felt tense, and weird, and confused, and mad, and finally I called her, which was a huge mistake because I cried my eyes out on the phone with my mother right in the middle of the bookstore. Blah. Then my sister beeped through on my mom's end, irate on my behalf for a veritable mountain of reasons I don't even want to get into, and apparently laid into her pretty hard for an extended period of time... I haven't talked to my mom since. I feel guilty everytime I think about this, because it is SO HARD to begrudge my mother anything because, you know, SHE IS MY MOM, and I got a settlement, but damnitt, the settlement is all gone and we're down to Grant's job and a loan against the house. Yeah, the house is still "mostly" paid for, and the cars are paid for, and we have money in the bank - but we still have a lot of bills, and I have medical expenses like whoa to pay and we'd like to have some wiggle room for things like Christmas presents and a vacation without cutting it down to being back to paycheck to paycheck. I mean I know we are better off than a lot of people right now and we buy stuff, and we eat fancy stuff, but the thing that really kills me is my mom is asking for money to pour down a hole. I paid to have her teeth fixed (thousands) and that was totally justified money I felt good to spend and still think was well spent, because that needed to be done and will improve her quality of life. I wish my mom would seek some kind of therapy because I really think she's unstable right now, but she totally tunes me out when I suggest this. I also offered to pay for her therapy, going so far as to prepay the first session and slip her the directions, while she was still down here, but. She ignored me. She only wants money to do crazy things that are going to land her needing more money again.

I discovered and got a book while there, after the phone calls, about Dry Tortugas National Park - it's just Southwest of Key West, and really fascinates me. It's just two tiny islands, one of which is home to a lot of endangered sea turtles and migratory birds and a handfull of employees, and the other of which has some white sandy beaches and a big fort that has been a military base and a prison in the past. It was a MAJOR pirate port for a long time before it was either of those things. It's right in the middle of very dense, gorgeous coral reefs, and there are multiple intact, preserved shipwrecks in the water surrounding it, too. So the snorkeling is basically breathtaking. You can only get there or leave by boat or seaplane. I really want to go at some point.

Saturday:
Ananda took her new Lyrical dance class for the first time, which was a switchover from regular ballet she was bored out of her mind in: this blends jazz dancing with ballet, is more advanced, and has a different teacher, and she loved it. And she's always loved musical theater, afterwards. The boys and I had lunch with Grant on his break while she was dancing. We made cards and letters for people at the dining table, back at the house (you Johnsons have a package coming soon).

Sunday:
Me, Ananda and Aaron went to City Church for the first time. It was awesome in a lot of ways, but the kids' program is really lacking. I found myself wishing all sorts of VERY varied people were there with me, by turn, to listen or give me an opinion about it. I saw Sarah and Melissa for the first time in months, afterwards - they do some of the childcare there, which is kind of weird as they're agnostic, and they think so too? It was good to catch up, though...Grant and I were double teaming a big cleanup when I got back.

Then G, who I'm thinking of just calling Nanny for clarity since I still call Grant G sometimes, came over. She is normally Wed, Thurs and Fri but we're shuffling days for various reasons. Grant and I went and had lunch at Chili's and then saw Sex Drive at the theater. By ourselves! I wasn't sure if the movie was going to just be really dumb but, well, it was hilarious. I mean...it was really secular but SO. FUNNY. We laughed a lot. Grabbed dinner ingredients and came home.

Elise apparently did pretty well with Nanny this time - I always feel bad leaving her. I know she's 17 months old and we're practically joined to the hip most of the week, but...I dunno. It's a new thing for me. Even when I feel great about everything else about it, I'm anxious about her forming an emotional attachment to someone who is here because it's their job. Good outweighs bad, I'm just bitching because I can...

Monday:
Nanny again, Grant still off. Grant and I took Jake and Elise out to lunch at Casita Tejas. Then Ananda and Aaron had homeschool evaluations (way late, they're for last school year, but nobody really cares). We did it at a friend from the bookstore's house - the Catholic mom of 7 kids (they can be evaluated by any certified teacher). Her house is A.MAZ.ING. All wood, old interior, big and rambling, on 3 lots with a pool and a trampoline and a veritable PLAYGROUND of swing sets, and just. I don't know, it was like being at the Weasley's house. We kept seeing a streak past a doorway or hearing footsteps as small people tried to inspect us undetected, until finally two girls stood there with many heads poking out behind them and asked, "Can they come out and play?" The answer was yes and so for the next hour while Theresa and I perused their schoolwork and talked about how their year went, I didn't see them once. At one point she got up and moved a small framed picture off a free floating shelf to adjust the thermostat that was hidden behind it, and that struck me as really funny. We talked long past the evaluation, they were sad to go when it was time, and I went and swam at the Y after I dropped them back off at home. Grant was here working from home in my office most of this time.

The swimming was good - I swam for 15 minutes a week ago and got a big endorphin rush, but this was more like 35 minutes and it kicked my ass. In a good way, though, it makes me want to do it more.

I had a really late counseling appt - 5. We all went, the little ones napped and we went to a big park in the area when I got out. The counseling was ok...nothing especially helpful. The park time was better.

After the park, we ended up having a (luscious, incredible, moan-worthy and totally worth it) dinner at Outback. Coconut shrimp, lobster in butter sauce, creamy onion soup with brown bread and sweet butter, red wine soaked shrooms, Oh my gosh my eyes were rolling up in my head the entire time. CHEESECAKE OLIVIA. I figured, you know, I'm about to go to the cardiologist and find out who knows what - I need to live it up while I still can ;)

And then, with 30 minutes til they closed, we passed through Best Buy on the way home and got the laptop we've long budgeted me getting. So that I can take it and go write, when Nanny is here, and bring it with us to other places and write, and all of that.

We have this dream that by the time a year and a half or two years passes and we wouldn't necessarily be able to keep affording Nanny indefinitely, hopefully by then I'll be making enough with writing profits to keep her here. I am not sure if this is wildly optimistic or totally reasonable, but it's also only a small portion of why I want to write. The short story collection I'm working on has me so excited sometimes. My therapist says it sounds like a bestseller to her, which is nice, but then I think, well, she's my therapist. Not the New York Times.

My laptop is awesome. It's not a crazy expensive one - $650 - but it's got a few little perks that make it seem impressive to me, and hey, I'm looking to write stories not play World of Warcraft or whatever. I've never had my OWN computer, before.

Tuesday:
Nanny, and Grant, Day 3. Talk about spoiled. On this day she blew me away by having Elise reach for her as we left, rather than needing to be peeled off of me, and by getting Jake and Elise to just lay down together in Jake's bed and take a nap while I was gone. I do not understand this voodoo she's using, or what desperate levels my children have sunk to in my absence, but...wow. And when I asked Jake about it later, he was all happy! Talking about how he read to Elise in his bed and he takes good care of his little sister. Elise also didn't shriek or bolt towards me when I walked in, on this day, she was happy to see me but was fine with hanging out with Nanny while I was there in the room and we talked.

It's weird calling her Nanny because I read The Nanny Diaries and, well... *shrug*

Ananda was EXTREMELY depressed all Tuesday. I mean, she didn't want to eat, or go anywhere, or talk to me at all, or receive affection, wouldn't talk about it. She was procrastinating to the point of blatant refusal when I requested anything of her (like her normal chores, really basic stuff that takes very little time). Worried about her, frustrated by her, ugh. Sometimes she just seems like an intense kid, other times she's kind of depressed, and then there are days like Tuesday. I wish I could help her. She has activities she loves outside of the house 4 days out of every week, she has friends that she plays outside with daily, friends she sees at the bookstore weekly, friends who call on the phone regularly, and a penpal. She has a bunny she takes care of. She has brothers and a sister. I gave her a Halloween edition Groovy Girl doll I ordered on eBay that came in the mail, and she perked up for like...2 minutes? She has an active faith in God and a prayer life. She starts each day with morning chores and ends them all with a bedtime routine she loves. She eats copious amounts of vegetables, adequate protein and lots of whole grains. She gets lots of sunshine and regular excercise. I don't know what else to do for her. She is only 8 years old. I think more and more that the GOOD answer is "It will just take time, she's been through a lot" and the bad answer is, "This is just how she is, there's a history of depression in various relatives on both sides of her genetics".

Nanny distracted her pretty well with the big ol' Halloween collage they've been working on this week. I will have to post pictures of that, btw. It rocks.

Grant and I used this babysitting day (she comes for 5 hours at a time, for what it's worth) to go together to lunch at Whole Foods and then my cargiologist appt.

Lunch was good: I had a sandwich of prosciutto, which I'd never had before, fresh mozarella, which I'm not certain I've ever had before, tomato and pesto, which are two of my favorite things. Then I read a magazine cover about how we're living history - this is the Great Depression all over again. And I thought, I guess. I just ate a $10 sandwich and it was sitting in a big stack of $10 sandwiches plenty of other people were eating, too.

It was mostly good news at the cardiologist: my heart sounds totally normal to the guy by stethoscope and my EKG looked good. Perhaps more significant, when I asked him about the possible lasting implications of my extended sepsis and heart trouble last Fall, he said it shouldn't have any lasting implications.

He did prescribe a 24 hour heart monitor, though, which I'm wearing right now after having it put on at Homestead Diagnostic Center earlier, and a sonogram that I'm going back for next week, in order to try to understand these spells I described to him when I either have chest pains or am just sitting there on the couch and can feel my heart pounding in my back like I'm doing something hard.

We had an ADT guy here hooking up our dormant alarm system, most of the afternoon...our across the street neighbors just had their house broken into and 2 weeks before that my friend Kristin's house was broken into, so I'm paranoid to leave all our new junk here unguarded when we go out of town in a couple of days.

ADT guy left pretty much exactly when it was time to leave for soccer practice, I had people strapped into carseats already as he pulled out of my driveway. This was the first practice Grant was able to come to in full, because of work, so he got to meet Aaron's coach and see Annie in action, and also talk with that guy I mentioned who he's worked with before, the other dad from the team with the twin babies? Ian. They've emailed each other since then, so I think this could go somewhere and maybe our families will interact beyond soccer.

Also - I had to almost strong arm Ananda into going to practice, which I wasn't really sure was the right thing, but she was much improved by the end of it so I was glad it seemed like I made the right decision. Both of them have great coaches and love making them proud.

Grant took Isaac out alone for Daddy and Isaac time, after our late post-soccer dinner, which turned out to be "Daddy and Isaac buying surprise presents for all the kids time", which turned into Mommy being really uptight and being like, "I don't understand why you went to Walmart when we don't go there, and why you'd buy G.I. Joes when we don't really agree with what they stand for, and YOU are so the one cleaning up those 50 plastic balls when they are never, ever, ever in that inflatable ball pit". A long conversation and a night's sleep later Elise adores the ball pit, Aaron is playing with G.I. Joe's minus the guns and I'm trying to remember I have a husband who (1) gets great joy out of surprising our children with things from his own childhood, AND (2) seeks out spending special time with our kids one on one...even if they are at The Only Place Open At That Hour (kind of like He Who Must Not Be Named).

Wednesday/Today:
Last day of Grant off and Nanny here.

We took just Annie and Aaron in the Prius. She had a counseling appt at 11:30. Grant, Aaron and I got lunch at Whole Foods with stuff for Annie to-go style - this time I had curried beef sheppard's pie with caramelized garlic green beans - then picked her back up. The four of us went bowling up at the Dolphin Mall's new Lucky Strike. Annie is always really light and happy after counseling, it works wonders for her. I bowled horribly, but got a lot of knitting done. Annie seemed thrilled with herself and Aaron insecure about bowling. They used bumpers in the gutter, which I sort of squint my eyes about (It's cheating!!) but understand. I tried to get them to try throwing Granny Style like I did (very well) at their age, but they were both too self-conscious. In an almost totally deserted bowling alley, even after Daddy demonstrated. I swear.

The four of us came home, found out everyone else did great - they had a bath with all the ball pit balls after a pee incident. They had lunch and tea. Nanny and Isaac finished the Halloween collage and had it hanging up - it's really cool. Really really.

The whole heart monitor thing, I don't know. It wasn't as bad as going to get the ultrasounds done last week because it wasn't at the hospital, but it was one of those situations, since it was at the (far cheaper) Diagnostic Center, where everything is dirty and none of the employees speak much english or act especially polite. I felt like a total tool coming out of there with leads showing above the v-neck of my shirt and my big old fanny pack with the monitor in it bulging under my clothes. The whole thing felt really impossible and like I almost backed out, for about an hour - I was close to just saying "Screw this!" and tearing the thing off... but then I basically forgot I had it on and now I'm not sure what was so freaking bad. I mean it comes off tomorrow.

Tonight was Crazy Hair Night at AWANA for the big kids - Ananda gave herself 3 pigtails with rainbow shoelaces hanging off of them all, Aaron had green and red stripes sprayed into his hair. The Cubbies (Isaac's group) all wore their costumes and had a party, so he went as a knight. I got a TON of desperately needed, backed-up cleaning done while they were gone (Grant took Jake, and Elise slept part of the time). I managed to clear every stinking speck of clutter and toys and hoohaw out of the tv room, library and office, vaccum carpet thoroughly and sweep wood/tile. I also got the dining table cleared, all the dirty laundry out of our bedroom (I swear 2 loads accumulated in 2 days, I don't understand our laundry situation) and the kitchen and dining room swept. When everyone got home, I had them pitch in on some other things and now I'm at a point where I feel I can actually really manage to finish the cleaning and pack tomorrow, while Grant is at work.

Because tomorrow night when he gets off, we're hitting the road and going to stay in Tampa until next Tuesday evening. For his birthday and mine. I want to go to the Salvador Dali museum and he wants to go to Busch Gardens, and both of us are interested in the other person's thing, too. Plus they have Bob Evans up there ;) We'll stop in and visit my Nana and Pa in Lakeland Monday afternoon/evening, while they're both off of work, and probably take the kids to Adventure Island, at some point.

The day after tomorrow is my birthday. 27. It looks like I will probably see it after all ;) I have told my sister that if I die in the next year, I want her to say in my eulogy that I died like a rockstar*.

I really wanted to go to Key West, but Fantasy Fest is in full swing, which means 80,000 tourists, most of them drunk and wearing nothing but paint. Maybe we'll do that another month.


Unrelated to anything: I have developed a theory that, at least in South Florida, there are far more McCain yard signs, but far more Obama bumper stickers, and I think that is an economic divide (who is a homeowner vs who is not too snooty to put a sticker on their car).

*For those who don't know, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain all died at 27 - as did many, many others

Bob: Did you hear about that guy the cops shot because they thought he had a grenade? It turns out he was just eating a pear.

This was said in all disgusted seriousness, but seriously - I laughed A LOT. For a LONG TIME.

Damn that's funny.

Anyway.

Bobby J, aka tmfi was here over the weekend. That was weird. He hasn't been here in over a year and a half, yet it's been pretty easy to talk to him on the phone a few times so I figured it would be pretty easy to hang out; but I think sometimes that he purposely excudes awkwardness onto others wherever he goes. Uh, no offense Bobby :p Really though I think the weirdest thing is that you were here for such a very short time, we did nothing special, you seemed bored, and then we dropped you off with no fanfare at all and drove away. I don't know what I expected, but it probably would have involved...I don't know, outings and taking pictures, or something. I hope you felt satisfied when you left, and glad you came. You really missed out on dinner and dessert that last night.

Speaking of dinner and dessert: Grant wrote about it. theneolistickid


A lot of people over the past 7 months have suggested thyroid checks, antidepressants or therapy to me. I got my thyroid checked right before I got admitted to the hospital, and it's normal, I'm not open to taking antidepressants (which is NOT a judgement on anyone else, it's just where I'm at), and I'm thinking about persuing therapy - but mostly just because I love therapy and so it sounds like a good time. You may have noticed I'm a bit of an emotional exhibitionist.

The thing is, and I know everyone thinks this, but I really don't think I am depressed or need help. I need a nap. I need some time alone with Grant. I could use some cleaning help. But I write a lot - on my own, privately, I mean - and I talk to Grant a lot, and my sister, and I cry when I need to, and I pray, and I think I'm working through things.

I do swing wildly, still. I burn to write and get almost desperately frustrated when I can't, sometimes. Or I get miserable lonely as soon as I lay down in bed (...with another adult and two small people...). Periodically a song lyric, a change in the weather, something I come across cleaning - any damn thing, basically - will bring me suddenly to tears over some grandiose thing or other. Mortality, or my own lack of control over certain things, or even with gratitude.

But I have an appetite. I have a sex drive. I laugh, I cook, I am filled with joy several times a day by Elise, and regularly by my other kids as well. There is a balance. The dark times unfailingly coincide with the profound sleep deprivation, which is an awfully big coincidence. I've felt as dark from profound sleep deprivation without failed vbacs, brain injuries or near death experiences involved, in the past.

The month before I went into the hospital, I was depressed. I was lazy and nothing sounded like fun. I had no energy and no motivation, about anything, and didn't want to talk and started saying I was done with this journal and...blah. It was like trudging through quicksand to do anything. I've never felt like that before - and to be honest it gave me a new empathy for people who suffer with that all the time, I mean UGH. I don't feel like that now.

So, don't worry about me :p I appreciate the concern, but a blog is not a complete picture.

All that said...the sweater I was knitting Brian for his birthday (last month)has turned out to be the sweater he's getting for Christmas, and it's looking so big that, well, it may be the sweater JAKE gets for Christmas. It'll be nice either way :p I'm thinking Elise's stocking will be made of yarn, even though all the others are fabric I've sewn. They're all different, anyway, and I have the perfect yarn just sitting here.

I have a confused jumble of writing projects going at once. There is...
-a collection of short stories that so far consists of 2 finished stories, 2 stories I've begun, and 2 concepts for other stories, as well as a connecting theme and a tentative title for the whole thing
-a collection of Children's short stories that consists of one finished story, two story ideas and a unifying concept
-an idea for a fictional novel that I've stopped to make notes on several times
-a finished autobiographical...thing...that has been sitting done as a complete novel for 3 years now. It's mind-numbingly humiliating, not in quality as a book but in the things it reveals and because I was a different person when I wrote most of it (5+ years ago). Yet when I go back and read it, I think it's really readable and has a lot of potential. I sometimes wish I could publish it with a special contractual clause that only total strangers I'd never meet could read it.
-10 pages of notes for a totally different autobiographical thing. The other one is VERY introverted and personal, whereas this is more of a situational group thing. It's a book several people have urged me to write over and over, that would be full of stories that never fail to entertain when told aloud...
-4 pages of notes and countless hours of thought about a book on the dangers of unnecessary cesarean section, and how to avoid one. This is not something I feel inspired about, or itch to write, like the other things. But it is A. something I think is important in a way the other things aren't, and B. something I have more immediate hope of actually publishing, because of all kinds of silly things like being on the show House of Babies and modeling for Conscious Woman and having a good friend who's famous for publishing books about the dangers of cesarean section, who has publishing hook ups. Also people seem to think a person is more qualified to talk about things they have a lot of experience with, and I think I've encountered a pretty unusual number of cesarean complications in my real life... Over the course of my 5 there are not many non fatal ones I HAVEN'T dealt with. Also there is a more specific marketing nitch for this type of book, which makes it easier to sell to someone. Hopefully all of that matters to some people, because I certainly don't intend to pretend to have any sort of credentials I don't - it's more like, "There are a lot of things I wish someone had told me when I was pregnant for the first time. These are them."
-a poem I plan to share at Open Mic night at the local bookstore. I had planned to do this before, but then my pain levels got too high and I became incapacitated.

I really am not sure how one builds a career on that sort of hodge podge, and am all too aware that publishing houses are not exactly searching for writers who crank out one book in each genre of work, and periodically something that fits in no category at all. Luckily I have a primary vocation that outweighs writing and so I won't be (as) crushed if I never make it as an author.



Speaking of which, I am OVER THE MOON about Ananda's big Christmas present, which we decided on for sure this evening. It's going to be a "gift certificate", of sorts, for a day out with just me. During this day, and listed on the certificate, we'll go get our nails done somewhere, get her ears pierced like she's been begging to for months, have lunch somewhere together, and maybe see a movie (I have to see what will be in theaters come January). Otherwise we'll do something ridiculous that she'll be nuts about, like go shopping at Claire's.

She has a final rehearsal for one of the two parts of the upcoming ballet show, tomorrow evening. Being back in classes with rehearsals on top, after a month of no dancing, has had her sore all over. But, just like when she's struggling to learn something, she smiles about it like it's awesome. It really amazes me - Ananda HATES to perform, hates to struggle, is terrified of failing. But not with ballet. It's the only exception I can think of.

( 2 pictures )

Ananda passed her evaluation yesterday, so now she's "legally" a second grader. We had to reschedule it before, when the evaluator had something come up. It was really awesome watching Annie talk so freely with her and read for her and all. She seemed happy with the samples of schoolwork that we brought along.

She also had her first new ballet class yesterday. It's "intermediate" and for 7-12 year olds. It's REALLY challenging compared to other classes she's taken, and we both love it. I had a blast just watching her - she was struggling a couple of times, but grinning ear to ear and giddy, the whole hour. They're really hands on at Dance Empire - this class only has 7 girls in it, and the teacher goes around and adjusts everyone's position and at the end she tells parents what each kid can do at home to help, individually. She was doing things like putting one heel at a height such that her foot was on the same level with her head, and bending the other knee/going up on the other toes. Different balancing and flexing stuff on the floor that Grant and I have a hard time managing, or just can't do. I'm really glad we put her back in, she is all about it.

Grant also took Aaron to get their karate uniforms. Aaron is SO EXCITED. I mean, whoa, it's bordering on "PLEASE CALM DOWN BEFORE I STAND YOU IN THE CORNER!", but I'm happy for him.


A and A talked for awhile and decided both are about balance, coordination and strength.

I have so many things I want to say! Argh.

Elise is basically crawling. Laura says it is crawling, I'm not so sure, but it is definitely some kind of mobility. She goes all over the place. She can "crawl" off my bed (mattress on the floor) and out into the hallway within a minute or so. She was chasing this purple ball all over the living room for about half an hour earlier today until finally Grant decided we had to film it.


Also, Dama wanted to hear her laugh. She was not in an especially laugh-y type mood, but we had the camera out so we went for it.


Lastly, I wanted to share a recipe. The only things I really do online anymore are check my comments, my email, my friends' page, and the blog of Anna Maria Horner, who is an Orthodox Christian, mother of 5, and designer of fabrics and crafts galore. She posted this recipe the other day and we tried it last night. With chicken and milk, not fish and wine. HIGHLY RECCOMENDED. Ananda had thirds (minus meat, plus mushrooms), and I polished off the leftovers this morning.