Life's been good to me so far

Friday:
Grant was at work this day, so it was just me and the kids. Right Start Math with A and A - they LOVE this program, and don't ever want to stop when it's time.

Ananda and Aaron also both had soccer games in the evening. Laura brought Brian and we had a big picnic-y shmorgasborg while they played, with all the little ones. There is this one guy, Ian, who is a dad of one of Aaron's teammates, who has done work with Grant at some time in the past, and over the course of the soccer season we've sort of become friends. His wife hadn't come as they had twins a few weeks back - twins that are co-sleeping and breastfeeding, how awesome is that? Point being, she was there this time and the two of them were each wearing a (tiny! weeks old!) baby in an Ultimate Baby Wrap. So cute.

Then I took my kids and hit it to Game Night at the bookstore, where I found out via cell that my husband had sent my mom more money (hundreds), which freaked me out, because I had just refused to give her more money the day before and then she called him at work - knowing he has a hard time saying no. We had just given her a ton of money to move back to Jax with earlier that week (thousands), all because she was flighty and decided to go back after we had just paid a bunch of money to bring her down here last month (thousands). This most recent bit was supposed to be covered by some check that has still not arrived in the mail. I felt tense, and weird, and confused, and mad, and finally I called her, which was a huge mistake because I cried my eyes out on the phone with my mother right in the middle of the bookstore. Blah. Then my sister beeped through on my mom's end, irate on my behalf for a veritable mountain of reasons I don't even want to get into, and apparently laid into her pretty hard for an extended period of time... I haven't talked to my mom since. I feel guilty everytime I think about this, because it is SO HARD to begrudge my mother anything because, you know, SHE IS MY MOM, and I got a settlement, but damnitt, the settlement is all gone and we're down to Grant's job and a loan against the house. Yeah, the house is still "mostly" paid for, and the cars are paid for, and we have money in the bank - but we still have a lot of bills, and I have medical expenses like whoa to pay and we'd like to have some wiggle room for things like Christmas presents and a vacation without cutting it down to being back to paycheck to paycheck. I mean I know we are better off than a lot of people right now and we buy stuff, and we eat fancy stuff, but the thing that really kills me is my mom is asking for money to pour down a hole. I paid to have her teeth fixed (thousands) and that was totally justified money I felt good to spend and still think was well spent, because that needed to be done and will improve her quality of life. I wish my mom would seek some kind of therapy because I really think she's unstable right now, but she totally tunes me out when I suggest this. I also offered to pay for her therapy, going so far as to prepay the first session and slip her the directions, while she was still down here, but. She ignored me. She only wants money to do crazy things that are going to land her needing more money again.

I discovered and got a book while there, after the phone calls, about Dry Tortugas National Park - it's just Southwest of Key West, and really fascinates me. It's just two tiny islands, one of which is home to a lot of endangered sea turtles and migratory birds and a handfull of employees, and the other of which has some white sandy beaches and a big fort that has been a military base and a prison in the past. It was a MAJOR pirate port for a long time before it was either of those things. It's right in the middle of very dense, gorgeous coral reefs, and there are multiple intact, preserved shipwrecks in the water surrounding it, too. So the snorkeling is basically breathtaking. You can only get there or leave by boat or seaplane. I really want to go at some point.

Saturday:
Ananda took her new Lyrical dance class for the first time, which was a switchover from regular ballet she was bored out of her mind in: this blends jazz dancing with ballet, is more advanced, and has a different teacher, and she loved it. And she's always loved musical theater, afterwards. The boys and I had lunch with Grant on his break while she was dancing. We made cards and letters for people at the dining table, back at the house (you Johnsons have a package coming soon).

Sunday:
Me, Ananda and Aaron went to City Church for the first time. It was awesome in a lot of ways, but the kids' program is really lacking. I found myself wishing all sorts of VERY varied people were there with me, by turn, to listen or give me an opinion about it. I saw Sarah and Melissa for the first time in months, afterwards - they do some of the childcare there, which is kind of weird as they're agnostic, and they think so too? It was good to catch up, though...Grant and I were double teaming a big cleanup when I got back.

Then G, who I'm thinking of just calling Nanny for clarity since I still call Grant G sometimes, came over. She is normally Wed, Thurs and Fri but we're shuffling days for various reasons. Grant and I went and had lunch at Chili's and then saw Sex Drive at the theater. By ourselves! I wasn't sure if the movie was going to just be really dumb but, well, it was hilarious. I mean...it was really secular but SO. FUNNY. We laughed a lot. Grabbed dinner ingredients and came home.

Elise apparently did pretty well with Nanny this time - I always feel bad leaving her. I know she's 17 months old and we're practically joined to the hip most of the week, but...I dunno. It's a new thing for me. Even when I feel great about everything else about it, I'm anxious about her forming an emotional attachment to someone who is here because it's their job. Good outweighs bad, I'm just bitching because I can...

Monday:
Nanny again, Grant still off. Grant and I took Jake and Elise out to lunch at Casita Tejas. Then Ananda and Aaron had homeschool evaluations (way late, they're for last school year, but nobody really cares). We did it at a friend from the bookstore's house - the Catholic mom of 7 kids (they can be evaluated by any certified teacher). Her house is A.MAZ.ING. All wood, old interior, big and rambling, on 3 lots with a pool and a trampoline and a veritable PLAYGROUND of swing sets, and just. I don't know, it was like being at the Weasley's house. We kept seeing a streak past a doorway or hearing footsteps as small people tried to inspect us undetected, until finally two girls stood there with many heads poking out behind them and asked, "Can they come out and play?" The answer was yes and so for the next hour while Theresa and I perused their schoolwork and talked about how their year went, I didn't see them once. At one point she got up and moved a small framed picture off a free floating shelf to adjust the thermostat that was hidden behind it, and that struck me as really funny. We talked long past the evaluation, they were sad to go when it was time, and I went and swam at the Y after I dropped them back off at home. Grant was here working from home in my office most of this time.

The swimming was good - I swam for 15 minutes a week ago and got a big endorphin rush, but this was more like 35 minutes and it kicked my ass. In a good way, though, it makes me want to do it more.

I had a really late counseling appt - 5. We all went, the little ones napped and we went to a big park in the area when I got out. The counseling was ok...nothing especially helpful. The park time was better.

After the park, we ended up having a (luscious, incredible, moan-worthy and totally worth it) dinner at Outback. Coconut shrimp, lobster in butter sauce, creamy onion soup with brown bread and sweet butter, red wine soaked shrooms, Oh my gosh my eyes were rolling up in my head the entire time. CHEESECAKE OLIVIA. I figured, you know, I'm about to go to the cardiologist and find out who knows what - I need to live it up while I still can ;)

And then, with 30 minutes til they closed, we passed through Best Buy on the way home and got the laptop we've long budgeted me getting. So that I can take it and go write, when Nanny is here, and bring it with us to other places and write, and all of that.

We have this dream that by the time a year and a half or two years passes and we wouldn't necessarily be able to keep affording Nanny indefinitely, hopefully by then I'll be making enough with writing profits to keep her here. I am not sure if this is wildly optimistic or totally reasonable, but it's also only a small portion of why I want to write. The short story collection I'm working on has me so excited sometimes. My therapist says it sounds like a bestseller to her, which is nice, but then I think, well, she's my therapist. Not the New York Times.

My laptop is awesome. It's not a crazy expensive one - $650 - but it's got a few little perks that make it seem impressive to me, and hey, I'm looking to write stories not play World of Warcraft or whatever. I've never had my OWN computer, before.

Tuesday:
Nanny, and Grant, Day 3. Talk about spoiled. On this day she blew me away by having Elise reach for her as we left, rather than needing to be peeled off of me, and by getting Jake and Elise to just lay down together in Jake's bed and take a nap while I was gone. I do not understand this voodoo she's using, or what desperate levels my children have sunk to in my absence, but...wow. And when I asked Jake about it later, he was all happy! Talking about how he read to Elise in his bed and he takes good care of his little sister. Elise also didn't shriek or bolt towards me when I walked in, on this day, she was happy to see me but was fine with hanging out with Nanny while I was there in the room and we talked.

It's weird calling her Nanny because I read The Nanny Diaries and, well... *shrug*

Ananda was EXTREMELY depressed all Tuesday. I mean, she didn't want to eat, or go anywhere, or talk to me at all, or receive affection, wouldn't talk about it. She was procrastinating to the point of blatant refusal when I requested anything of her (like her normal chores, really basic stuff that takes very little time). Worried about her, frustrated by her, ugh. Sometimes she just seems like an intense kid, other times she's kind of depressed, and then there are days like Tuesday. I wish I could help her. She has activities she loves outside of the house 4 days out of every week, she has friends that she plays outside with daily, friends she sees at the bookstore weekly, friends who call on the phone regularly, and a penpal. She has a bunny she takes care of. She has brothers and a sister. I gave her a Halloween edition Groovy Girl doll I ordered on eBay that came in the mail, and she perked up for like...2 minutes? She has an active faith in God and a prayer life. She starts each day with morning chores and ends them all with a bedtime routine she loves. She eats copious amounts of vegetables, adequate protein and lots of whole grains. She gets lots of sunshine and regular excercise. I don't know what else to do for her. She is only 8 years old. I think more and more that the GOOD answer is "It will just take time, she's been through a lot" and the bad answer is, "This is just how she is, there's a history of depression in various relatives on both sides of her genetics".

Nanny distracted her pretty well with the big ol' Halloween collage they've been working on this week. I will have to post pictures of that, btw. It rocks.

Grant and I used this babysitting day (she comes for 5 hours at a time, for what it's worth) to go together to lunch at Whole Foods and then my cargiologist appt.

Lunch was good: I had a sandwich of prosciutto, which I'd never had before, fresh mozarella, which I'm not certain I've ever had before, tomato and pesto, which are two of my favorite things. Then I read a magazine cover about how we're living history - this is the Great Depression all over again. And I thought, I guess. I just ate a $10 sandwich and it was sitting in a big stack of $10 sandwiches plenty of other people were eating, too.

It was mostly good news at the cardiologist: my heart sounds totally normal to the guy by stethoscope and my EKG looked good. Perhaps more significant, when I asked him about the possible lasting implications of my extended sepsis and heart trouble last Fall, he said it shouldn't have any lasting implications.

He did prescribe a 24 hour heart monitor, though, which I'm wearing right now after having it put on at Homestead Diagnostic Center earlier, and a sonogram that I'm going back for next week, in order to try to understand these spells I described to him when I either have chest pains or am just sitting there on the couch and can feel my heart pounding in my back like I'm doing something hard.

We had an ADT guy here hooking up our dormant alarm system, most of the afternoon...our across the street neighbors just had their house broken into and 2 weeks before that my friend Kristin's house was broken into, so I'm paranoid to leave all our new junk here unguarded when we go out of town in a couple of days.

ADT guy left pretty much exactly when it was time to leave for soccer practice, I had people strapped into carseats already as he pulled out of my driveway. This was the first practice Grant was able to come to in full, because of work, so he got to meet Aaron's coach and see Annie in action, and also talk with that guy I mentioned who he's worked with before, the other dad from the team with the twin babies? Ian. They've emailed each other since then, so I think this could go somewhere and maybe our families will interact beyond soccer.

Also - I had to almost strong arm Ananda into going to practice, which I wasn't really sure was the right thing, but she was much improved by the end of it so I was glad it seemed like I made the right decision. Both of them have great coaches and love making them proud.

Grant took Isaac out alone for Daddy and Isaac time, after our late post-soccer dinner, which turned out to be "Daddy and Isaac buying surprise presents for all the kids time", which turned into Mommy being really uptight and being like, "I don't understand why you went to Walmart when we don't go there, and why you'd buy G.I. Joes when we don't really agree with what they stand for, and YOU are so the one cleaning up those 50 plastic balls when they are never, ever, ever in that inflatable ball pit". A long conversation and a night's sleep later Elise adores the ball pit, Aaron is playing with G.I. Joe's minus the guns and I'm trying to remember I have a husband who (1) gets great joy out of surprising our children with things from his own childhood, AND (2) seeks out spending special time with our kids one on one...even if they are at The Only Place Open At That Hour (kind of like He Who Must Not Be Named).

Wednesday/Today:
Last day of Grant off and Nanny here.

We took just Annie and Aaron in the Prius. She had a counseling appt at 11:30. Grant, Aaron and I got lunch at Whole Foods with stuff for Annie to-go style - this time I had curried beef sheppard's pie with caramelized garlic green beans - then picked her back up. The four of us went bowling up at the Dolphin Mall's new Lucky Strike. Annie is always really light and happy after counseling, it works wonders for her. I bowled horribly, but got a lot of knitting done. Annie seemed thrilled with herself and Aaron insecure about bowling. They used bumpers in the gutter, which I sort of squint my eyes about (It's cheating!!) but understand. I tried to get them to try throwing Granny Style like I did (very well) at their age, but they were both too self-conscious. In an almost totally deserted bowling alley, even after Daddy demonstrated. I swear.

The four of us came home, found out everyone else did great - they had a bath with all the ball pit balls after a pee incident. They had lunch and tea. Nanny and Isaac finished the Halloween collage and had it hanging up - it's really cool. Really really.

The whole heart monitor thing, I don't know. It wasn't as bad as going to get the ultrasounds done last week because it wasn't at the hospital, but it was one of those situations, since it was at the (far cheaper) Diagnostic Center, where everything is dirty and none of the employees speak much english or act especially polite. I felt like a total tool coming out of there with leads showing above the v-neck of my shirt and my big old fanny pack with the monitor in it bulging under my clothes. The whole thing felt really impossible and like I almost backed out, for about an hour - I was close to just saying "Screw this!" and tearing the thing off... but then I basically forgot I had it on and now I'm not sure what was so freaking bad. I mean it comes off tomorrow.

Tonight was Crazy Hair Night at AWANA for the big kids - Ananda gave herself 3 pigtails with rainbow shoelaces hanging off of them all, Aaron had green and red stripes sprayed into his hair. The Cubbies (Isaac's group) all wore their costumes and had a party, so he went as a knight. I got a TON of desperately needed, backed-up cleaning done while they were gone (Grant took Jake, and Elise slept part of the time). I managed to clear every stinking speck of clutter and toys and hoohaw out of the tv room, library and office, vaccum carpet thoroughly and sweep wood/tile. I also got the dining table cleared, all the dirty laundry out of our bedroom (I swear 2 loads accumulated in 2 days, I don't understand our laundry situation) and the kitchen and dining room swept. When everyone got home, I had them pitch in on some other things and now I'm at a point where I feel I can actually really manage to finish the cleaning and pack tomorrow, while Grant is at work.

Because tomorrow night when he gets off, we're hitting the road and going to stay in Tampa until next Tuesday evening. For his birthday and mine. I want to go to the Salvador Dali museum and he wants to go to Busch Gardens, and both of us are interested in the other person's thing, too. Plus they have Bob Evans up there ;) We'll stop in and visit my Nana and Pa in Lakeland Monday afternoon/evening, while they're both off of work, and probably take the kids to Adventure Island, at some point.

The day after tomorrow is my birthday. 27. It looks like I will probably see it after all ;) I have told my sister that if I die in the next year, I want her to say in my eulogy that I died like a rockstar*.

I really wanted to go to Key West, but Fantasy Fest is in full swing, which means 80,000 tourists, most of them drunk and wearing nothing but paint. Maybe we'll do that another month.


Unrelated to anything: I have developed a theory that, at least in South Florida, there are far more McCain yard signs, but far more Obama bumper stickers, and I think that is an economic divide (who is a homeowner vs who is not too snooty to put a sticker on their car).

*For those who don't know, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain all died at 27 - as did many, many others

I have become nearly too busy to bother with livejournal anymore. I really love reading a couple of my closest online friends' entries and I like archiving things that have happened. But it's getting to be so hard to carve out the time. I'm also disillutioned by the seemingly endless stream of busybodies that still lurk about commenting anonymously to tell me they think I suck or they think our videos suck or they think we're sucking on Grant Sr. I mean, whatever, I know you think that. I don't care. I'm not going to start caring. And if you've really been reading this since before I had Isaac just so you could keep thinking it on a daily basis, our thought processes are so different that there's no way your opinion means anything to me.

Aaaaanyway. My weekend ended up pretty awesome. I found out Friday night that my old friend Jess has had an EXTREMELY intense past few months, on the other side of the state. Hearing that someone I really love is having major drug problems at the same time we're still digesting that our friend Eric died of an overdose was enough to have me trying to reach her as soon as I found out, at 1 in the morning. I ended up driving down the keys to where she's staying Saturday night, with Elise. We hung out for a lot of hours...I got home close to sunrise. I want her to know somebody cares, and unconditionally, and I want her to know she can have fun with people without using, but I also just really love having someone smart and funny who is also hyper sensitive about certain things with very similar taste as mine, who totally understands my budding obsession with white nail polish, ballet flats and huge purses...all while being kind of broke and mostly living vicariously through Elle. Somebody who is simultaneously experimenting with Amy Winehouse and Feist, cares about psychology AND thinks motherhood is Really Important. I missed you, Jess. It's a shame you had to come back for the reasons you did, but I will milk it for all it's worth.

Kathy and I were going to drive down with Elise again today, to hang out with her all day, but the Labor Day traffic coming out of the keys would have made it a four hour trip each way :/ And if you're reading this, Kathy, today never once felt like a day I could invite you into. I thought about it but at any given moment it seemed like we were trying to get someone down for a nap or trying to get someone to calm down or trying to feed everyone or something like that. I was cleaning or sitting with someone talking or playing in the rain with a few people every. single. minute. I suppose I need to just get used to the idea that you can be like Laura or even Shaun, and just exist within our space as it happens and we don't have to "host" you.


I let Annie and Aaron fall asleep in our bed last night, after we read. It was hilarious. Annie was delirious in her half-asleepness, and giggling out of control as Jake jumped all over them both. I warned you, I said - sleeping in here means you have Jake using you for some sort of jungle gym until he's out. He was doing anything he possibly could for a reaction from a dead-to-the-world Aaron, including digging in his ribs and armpits and saying *tickletickletickletickle*. We were dying. And then Grant was dying later on, trying to hoist 68 pounds of Ananda into the top bunk O_o

He, Shaun and Bob had a "Soul Caliber Championship" last night, in the backyard with the projector. That equals 3 straight hours of video game playing from which he emerged victorious, for those who are not in the know. Grant typically plays video games A LOT for a couple of days or a week, and then packs them away for a few months, and then gets them out again, repeat. But since my brother's been here and had them set up in the office it's awfully easy for him to wander in there and play with him. He finally said it was getting ridiculous and proclaimed that there would be a Championship, followed by no gaming until 2008. It followed he and Shaun going to see The Bourne Ultimatum. I believe there are two entire genres of movies that he sees with Shaun, now, because I just will not sit through action or horror. Sometimes psych thriller type stuff, but I usually regret it.

It's nice to trade off on the weekends, and act girly or have a man night, and to be together late into the night while the kids are sleeping, and all that. The weeks are getting really crammed with things, and weekends are very definitely set apart in a way they haven't been in the past when G had 7 day, but always flexible, work weeks. We decided against preschool for Isaac in the end, due to cost (he's 3 so not covered by Florida's mandatory free preschool for 4 year olds), logistics (He's not used to waking up that early, transportation would be very difficult at least two days out of the week) and hunch (Watching him try to adapt to being left in Awana on Wednesday nights, I've seen that he's really not ready to be dropped off somewhere for hours every day yet). Instead we got him some educational computer software he LOVES, put him in Awana, and joined a couple of playgroups. I think next year, if he seems more into it and when he qualifies for a really good place for free being 4, we'll persue it. Even still, this fall, starting anytime now, THE WEEKS...it's going to be;

Sunday mornings - church for everyone
Tuesday afternoons - PATH at the park, for everyone
Tuesday evening - Aaron in karate
Wednesday evening - Ananda, Aaron and Isaac in Awana
Thursday evening - Aaron in karate
Friday afternoon - Ananda in ballet
Friday evening - Aaron in optional sparring

Then there's;

First Thursday of every month - Natural Family Meetups
Third Tuesdays of every month - La Leche League (before PATH, this is)

And I'm going to try to move Jamie's (babysitter) weekly time to Tuesday BETWEEN PATH and Aaron's karate if possible, since when we've had her coming conflicts with when Annie's ballet class is going to be.


We made a budget for the month a little while ago. It includes $1400 a month for groceries O_O It's also including a copious, ridiculous amount of out-of-pocket doctor's visits for the month (my moles and Annie's warts at a dermatologist, Elise's followups at ped and neuro, and one ped visit for Jake), as we're still going around in circles with Medicaid and have found out that neither Children's Medical Services NOR Florida KidCare are accepted by the ped we've fallen in love with and have been going to :/ And the contract that Grant got that offers insurance doesn't have open enrollment until November, at which point I will probably also see some kind of gastroentologist or surgeon or who knows what for my herniated belly button, which is getting weirdER. He's never made as much money before as he is now - usually more like half of what is currently coming in - but it's still like water through a sieve. We're trying to come up with a "kid allowance" we can work into a regular budget, to include things like shoes, clothes, school and curriculum supplies, PATH trips, extracurricular costs, etc, and maybe roll over some sometimes to also apply to birthdays. I keep thinking of new things that would have to be included, though, like wondering if doctor's visits would factor in, or if Christmas would be above and beyond. Basically I think a million dollars a month would probably do it :p Seriously though it might be a good tool for us because he would probably hand it to me to manage and then that would be a separate, mini-budget-within-the-budget that would cause me to prioritize better and also know what should come now and what can come later.

I don't know if I'll get the chance to go say this, or have the discipline to, but Becca if you read this - I've read your new lj in it's entirety, and perused your myspace. Your myspace playlist is ENTIRELY either songs I'd forgotten about and loved (massive attack, moby, that "mad world" song, carbon, revolution) or songs I hadn't ever heard (like the wonderwall remake) but needed to. Jake likes it too, and has started dancing :)

Isaac has taken to serving everyone fake food CONSTANTLY. Really elaborate fake food that he needs your lists of preferences for and takes a long time to prepare. Much "Hmm" and "Well..." ensues on his part, and then it's usually some kind of sandwhich or milkshake in the end, comprised of half a dozen pieces of various wooden stacking toys.

Unrelated: I'm starting to find peace with the idea of being "done" and our family being complete (not that I'm totally ruling out adoption one day). It's been a bumpy road with that...if I had had a smooth and easy natural homebirth I think we would have been all set to maybe even go quiverfull once we or Grant Sr moved out. But I didn't. And it just highlights all kinds of non-birth issues, like my attention span and weight loss and maybe sleeping again one day. Mainly I want to appreciate each one of these five beautiful people to the utmost and fullest, and give the most possible amount of love and time to each of them, and for the first time as a mother I feel like I'm starting to stretch that thin. There is something about being done that somehow makes me feel like I can relax and really get into hanging out with Ananda. Aaron is also happy to see me back on the trampoline and eager for me to try out the longboard again one of these days. I've spent SO MUCH of their lives debilitated to some extent by pregnancy or post(surgery)partum. Five is good.

Last: Shaun brought over an old video camera that plays the little tapes we/Grant made with this camera he had when we were 18. They've been packed away all this time. It includes long clips of 4 month old Ananda that I didn't even know still existed - unedited full changings and baths, nursing to sleep, just sitting there for 15 minutes when she started sitting. I am SO GRATEFUL for them because that seems so long gone and far away and I didn't think I'd ever see her that way again. But it's also like a gift from God in that I've been saying ever since we got Elise home from the hospital that I wish I could just spend an hour with one of my other kids at the age she's at, so I could try to wrap my head around NOT seeing her through the prism of brain injury. And it's helped. It's like one more miracle to see it on the tv, to be honest.