Life's been good to me so far

( This part was all written late last night )

Aaron's birthday was Sunday. He wanted a monarch butterfly and caterpillar cake. It was rather last minute, hence the swanky serving trays.




I think they came out pretty ok for being freehand and just using rectangular cakes (and cupcakes, obviously)

He wanted to light his own candles.


And after we ate, there came an untimely cake demise.

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Finally, by popular demand, helping links:

With Andrea, I am not sure what the best way to go about this is. I am not in a positin to organize and order and ship packages right now, I have a dozen balls in the air. I am willing to help publicize it and willing to contribute a small amount of money along with ideas. I was going to link you all to the paypal through which some ladies from one of Andrea's communities had been gathering funds for a big package, but they had a lot of trouble with international paypal and some disagreements I know nothing about, and everyone is being refunded :/ So, if you are willing to spearhead the effort, let me know and I am more than willing to post about it. For now, unfortunately, the link I had is no longer a good one :/



If you would like to help Aaron get to NYC and compete at JUMP you can go here to do so - https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=4QA2UV3HF79XY


To the person who dug through my entries to find my email address after it was referenced in comments and did it the hard way, thanks ...and I'm sorry I hadn't posted something more clearly. This will be on my userinfo for the next couple of weeks.

To the people who've messaged (and commented) encouraging this and saying you want to help, you guys are so awesome <3

To the trolls asking Grant if he's ashamed of me for "begging" on formspring, really? Come on. It's not designer shoes, and I'm not up in your face. It's fundraising for my son's dance trip, and you don't have to read or donate! Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine minding if someone put up a donate button for some designer shoes they wanted (so long as they were honest).

As it stands the B&B guy I referenced called me back today - the apartment we wanted IS taken, but he has another one available. It's not as nice and is in a slightly shakier (but not bad, really) neighborhood. So I think that is going to be what we go with. The transit to the convention is quick and simple. It's still just about a grand ($980 instead of $1012 for the half a hotel room). This is good as it means the immediate crisis of losing roommate is past!

I keep finding out about (small, but accumulating) additional costs that are really irritating me. For instance, heightened airport security means that I can't take shampoo, conditioner, Noxzema, moisturizer, body spray, toothpaste, etc from home like I did as a teen flying. I have to go buy a bunch of stupid little travel sizes or get stuff up there and then leave it, which is REALLY annoying for someone who usually only buys massive economy sizes from a warehouse store. Moreso, though, we're also going to have pay some bs fee of $25 per checked bag - meaning, $100 total roundtrip for Aaron and I to both bring a suitcase? I mean, WHAT? Grant was saying it's probably cheaper to freaking ship things to ourselves :p I am hoping our yard sale and the three usborne shows I have scheduled before we leave rake in more than I'm really expecting. And, with an apartment I think we can save some on cooking and eating in rather than always going out... If you think of something I am not thinking of, price-wise, feel free to let me know. I'm researching subway and taxi (for late nights) costs to try to get an estimate, tonight, because that's not really a number we've tried to get a figure for thus far.

If by some miracle I get to the point through our own local work (Grant is even secret shopping on the weekends) and donations that I have more than we NEED, I will take him out and do some awesome stuff in NCY and post lots of pics (Statue of Liberty, museum, whatevs). If I reach that point before we leave, I'll take the button down (AND CELEBRATE WILDLY WITH MUCH JOY!!!). If you don't send any money - that's what I was expecting towards this from the internet, I still love you! Well, not YOU...

Ok fine you too.

I gotta go cook.

I didn't take any pictures today but I've really dug this Mother's Day. Mental snapshots:

-Waking up and immediately being surrounded by little people bearing homemade cards, yard-picked flowers and handmade necklaces. I've been wearing the one from Isaac all day.
-My mother in law nervously giving me a card about how daughter in law loses the "in law" part at some point and us hugging after she anxiously watched me read it
-Jake and Elise, FILTHY, standing there naked in a bubble bath eating watermelong with huge toy dinosaurs floating at their feet
-Grant and I sitting outside of Starbucks on the sidewalk talking and laughing
-Eating this incredible dinner Grant made with panko breadcrumb'ed fried chicken, roasted cauliflower and potatoes and sauteed shrooms
-Sitting around the table with a couple of kids, and Bob, who I was managing to talk and laugh with so easily and happily without any weird baggage like I haven't in...years, maybe
-Getting down a ton of big blown up framed photography of Grant's, from where it's been stacked up collecting dust, and realizing we can hang all this immediately

As always, my favorite thing about Mother's Day is this video:

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I'm putting some stuff strongly inspired by this image on a purple tshirt for Ananda as one of her birthday presents:

I'm really happy about how it's coming out so far; who knew fabric scraps could do such interesting things? I want it to be a surprise so I'm having to be sly. I'm also making her some other things, like a tote bag I think she'll love, and something I haven't decided on that will include this embroidery:


We're jointly planning to make an owl pinata (paper mache) and stuff it with brownies and oatmeal raisin cookies, all saran wrapped individually. She's been telling friends she'd like to have her party at Jacob's Aquatic Center. I got her a very hippy-fied sort of stationary set a couple of weeks ago at Ross, that has been hiding out in the top of my closet.

The only thing I have for Aaron so far (he's a month after) is a St Francis picture I actually got for him for Christmas and forgot about because it was tucked away. He loves St Francis because he could call the animals to him, charm the birds down from the trees and all that. When we last asked the question, "What super hero power would you like to have?" that was his answer.

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My formspring video is made, it's just FORTY FOUR minutes of me answering FIFTY questions O_O So, Grant took a couple of goes at compressing the file today before he got the aspect ratio right and tonight it will be uploading to Vimeo as we sleep. I watched it once to make sure there was nothing especially horrible about it, and I can already hear the responses rolling in :p Aside from how the lighting makes it look as though my lips don't exist (really, it's weird), I at one point go from "number 1" to "and, b". Because that's the way I roll. It's only too bad I never got a drink during it, because I spill drinks all over myself about 75% of the time I take a sip of something ;) It was fun.

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A few nights ago G and I watched the movie Whip It, starring that chick who played Juno. In Whip It she is a secretly rebellious teenager who keeps sneaking away from her sleepy little town to take the old folks' Bingo bus to a bigger city where she is lying about her age to be a part of the Roller Derby team. Her mother is a real 50s-era, southern, beauty-pageants-for-my-daughters type. Anyway it turned out a lot better than I expected, highly entertaining. It has surprise big names playing minor roles, like the leads are all unknows but Juliette Lewis, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon are small side parts.

I think we're watching Sherlock Holmes tonight.

I would like to thank everyone who was posting on livejournal and facebook throughout Lent, and especially on Good Friday, and Easter/Pacha, with Christian meditations, scriptures, links, thoughts, and so on. I've been wayward and out of it and really would have missed the whole journey this year if it weren't for those of you who were sharing on the internet. I like it that this wheel keeps on turning even when I'm too self-absorbed or "in between" to bother to take notice. And I like it when I do notice.

Aaron has laryngitis. I'm not surprised, as it's been going around like crazy. He keeps rasping out things like "The germ-uhs, the germs ah messin around with mah voy-ace!" in a crazy accent.

My brother starts at JobCorps tomorrow. I feel just a little bit guilty about how insanely excited I am at the prospect of him NOT BEING IN THE HOUSE for many hours out of every week day. Mostly though I'm just insanely excited, guilt be damned. Seriously, OH HAPPY DAY!!! Aside from my own selfish glee, this is a huge positive step for him and I'm proud of him as I've watched him do all of his laundry and take a shower and get his things in order tonight. He's been out there 3 times in the last 2 weeks at meetings and appointments, and doing bizarre things before each one like shaving, and asking my brother in law to cut his hair and such. He's taken pains to brush his teeth tonight; I nearly knocked on his head to ask who was in there hijacking his brain.

She came out this way, thinking she was ready to go to the store with Daddy.


Om nom nom. Sugar snap peas sauteed in a little oil with brown sugar and soy sauce are SO GOOD.


This is our new weekday schedule.


Ananda is going to be cutting her hair into a chin-length bob again soon, and so we've let her run amock with the hair that's going to be cut off. This pic is when we first did the bleaching. It was like this for about two days.

The stuff we used was a bleaching and dying kit, and after I put the bleaching part all over her hair I tied it up in a plastic shopping bag because it has to sit for a long time and she didn't want to be paranoid about the furniture. That's what I did the last time we did this with her hair, because it was reccomended by the company on the packaging. This was a different brand, though, and after a few minutes she came to me - "Mom, it's burning my back through my shirt!" "What?" Sure enough, the bag was HOT hot to the touch, and when I took it off, her hair was SMOKING. All I could think was...people put this on their scalps?! Or hair they intend to keep?!


She liked the ponytail being a different color than the head hair.

( But she LOVES this...+the rest of the entry and more pics )

For me, personally:

-I realized I lost a lot of weight and had a lot of success with Eat to Live's 6 week plan, seeing it as a 6 week plan, but trying to go back to doing the "maintenance" diet after the holidays was just impossible to me; it's too strict for me to have that kind of permanence in mind with it and persevere. I NEED AN END IN SIGHT. But, I lost 27 pounds that first 6 weeks and have only gained back 16 of them in the 5 months since, during which I have been glutting myself on Starbucks, cheesecakes, restaurant meals, and late night cooking. So Grant and I have concocted a 6 week on, 12 weeks off plan for me that will be indefinite for as long as it works and I continue to need it. Tomorrow is day 1 of the first 6 week period, and I feel really good about it. The first couple of months OFF ETL were even healthy ones where I didn't gain back at all; eating so healthfully and in moderation put me in the mindset of not WANTING to eat way too much of all the wrong stuff. But I've gradually beaten that mindset back and resumed pigging out, since. So I think if I keep it to 12 weeks off, this could really be a healthy way to live.

-Grant and I are at a bit of a faith impasse that is really frustrating. We've both sort of "slipped" - he interprets that as needing to go back to the beginning, i.e. "remedial christianity". Like very salvation based protestant services loaded with praise and worship music. I understand where he is coming from completely, and respect it. But I also feel like, for me, I need to get back to the deep theology and catholic ritual I let fall by the wayside, because it holds me up so that I DON'T slip. Neither of us are going to push the other one to do something they're not comfortable with, or pull the family in a direction without the other. And I am so FREAKING. TIRED. of this conundrum.

-we're planning a potluck for this weekend. It's a facebook event at this point. I'm psyched.

-and really needing more time to write. And really tired of talking about that, saying it, my gosh haven't we heard this before?! I just hit this wall, this stir crazy wall of pent up mental energy where I always realize, that would help.

-I am BLOWN. AWAY. by my girls' birthdays coming up. My little girl is going to be THREE. And my big girl is going to be TEN. I don't know which of those shocks me more. On so many different levels. Five children, and the youngest one three? Our baby is three (how in the hell have I not gotten pregnant for this long, how nuts)? It feels like we just had her huge celebratory 2nd birthday - JUST. And then Annie in double digits? It feels like we just had her big tea party birthday...just, just. I got my period at ten. Went through Hurricane Andrew. Moved to Jacksonville. Had a journal with long entries. May 1 and then June 1. My daughters, three and ten. *sigh* Then Aaron is June 27, he'll by 9. For months he's been saying he wants a violin and cologne (wth?). Tawanna, his hip hop teacher, thinks that's the sweetest thing she's ever heard and has volunteered to get him the cologne if we take care of the rest.

Today has been a good day. Patrice spent the day since it was a teacher's work day. No dance classes for the same reason. Lots of watching things online with sick Aaron, and laying and reading with Ananda, and cuddling with Elise and Jake, and talking to Isaac (who is way less of a cuddler). It was a sweet, slow day. Tomorrow is the beginning; back to activities, on our new schedule, day 1 of Eat to Live, day 1 of JobCorps for Bob (which will change the whole house for all of us).

This is definitely the song for the week:


I downloaded the whole album. Massachusetts bluegrass quartet. Aaron's watching it too much, with that look on his face. Next thing I know he'll be asking for a cello.

First of all, comments - to everyone who talked about priestly celibacy, thanks for your links/input. My Dad wasn't researched at all, he was theorizing, and as he is somewhat infamous for wild conspiracy theories of all sorts I assumed this was more of the same.

And everyone, thank you so much for the birthday wishes ♥

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My head is all over the place lately.

There is a constant, low-grade strain added to everything that is just me not eating as a coping mechanism, or for emotional reasons at all, anymore. It's offset by happiness as I weigh myself every morning (22 pounds lost so far...) but added to by the anxiety that is beginning to creep in, about my surgery to come. Every day I'm kind of astounded by how much of my mental and emotional energy goes into willpower, constant reliance on and communication with God, figuring out/preparing what I am going to eat (because it's rarely what everyone else is eating), pushing terrible thoughts about dying on the operating table away so I can sleep at night...all that. I can waste hours and hours bs'ing and still feel as though I am worn out at the end of it. Which is ridiculous.

Physically, I have a lot more energy. A lot less hernia pain. A bit more confidence. New sorts of back pain pretty much every day, too, as my abdomen continues to morph into something new on the daily.


I've been feeling pulled thinner and thinner this past week, by my regular responsibilities, because in addition to Grant being pretty much never here, the kids have been sick. Isaac's croup became Elise's flu-like-whatever it is which has now debilitated Jake. Just as Elise got sick, she got stung on the bottom of her foot by a bee or wasp, right in the arch. It's been swollen and painful and she's been refusing to walk except *sometimes* on her toes, ever since. Other times she just sits calling to be picked up or, most pitifully, walks on her knees :/ I think a stinger may have been left behind, but if so it's down very deep, and from what I've read it will work itself out or be absorbed soon if that is the case. The hysteria when G or I even try to look at it is intense so I am sure as hell not trying to dig or squeeze anything out anytime soon. It was a humidifier refilling, Vicks rubbing, tea distributing, scarcely sleeping sort of week...

I woke up on my birthday at 7:20 to Elise frantic in bed that she had to poop. I rushed her to the toilet. I am not supposed to lift her, but, wtf am I supposed to do when she is not just ill but has a foot out of commission, too? It was great to see the surprise decorations everywhere, and the cards, and the flowers. It buoyed me up in a big way while she was screaming, crying, or fussing, alternately, in my arms and in my lap, for about 2 solid hours as I tried to nurse her, get her drinks, bounce, sing to, etc her. I kept picturing Grant hurrying to blow up balloons and cut stems of roses and tape streamers, as we all slept. Eventually Elise settled in next to Ananda in a zombie-trance to watch tv. The boys were all still sleeping and I set the cordless phone by Annie, grabbed my cell, set the house alarm, and bolted to the grocery store 5 blocks away for supplies for the day. Got back, somewhat frantically, to just what I had left, and saw all the facebook and lj birthday wishes. Grant had also emailed me from work. I smiled. Isaac woke up then, hysterical from the just-waking-up intensity of fading croup, and by the time I had him calmed down Elise was a wreck again. I basically spent the entire day either carrying her or trapped under her as she nursed or slept, aside from a soup-making stint I handed her off to Annie for. There were probably 2 total hours of her, greasy and reeking of Vicks, sweating against me, too snotty-nosed to nurse properly and just licking the nipple for comfort. Throughout the day and night I read The Lovely Bones in it's bizarre entirety, and developed a major neck/shoulder/backache.

My Dad called, and sounded like he isn't going to make it for Thanksgiving with us, which shouldn't surprise me anymore but what can I say, I really wish he would come. My mom is having a really hard time with my Nana. Between talking to them both Laura told me she didn't think she would be able to babysit the following day when Grant was home if kids were sick, which makes perfect sense but was still devastating in the moment to hear. I was REALLY looking forward to that. Dinner was this insane battle of wills wherein I had made a big pot of kale and bean soup and Ananda, Aaron, Jake and Elise were tearing up seconds but Isaac refused to even try it. I really just wanted him to TRY it, and was trying to tell him Elise was sick, it was my birthday and I was not cooking a second dinner without him even tasting option #1. I also reminded him that they are all always allowed to grab an apple, a banana, or a yogurt if they are hungry, without even asking. Well. He cried and whimpered and whined about how starving he was, while ignoring all that, until I told him to go to his bedroom unless he could quit it, and then he howled and yelled as loudly as he could from his bedroom, until he thought enough time had passed to come out and start over with the whimpering. This happened, what, 3 or 4 times? An hour of crying at least about trying some soup, all while I try to tend to Elise and wonder where the hell my husband is and wish his office building would dissapear into a sinkhole sometime while nobody is there, leaving us to collect some sort of worker's compensation while they struggle to rebuild. 9 pm came and went without Grant home. Then I started my period and a little bit of my bitter hopelessness started to fall into place as hormonal...I get wicked PMS for the last few years. That was yesterday.


Today started out sucky because: Elise was too sick/handicapped to go to Mass, and everyone else was too slow and disorganized and (*$&%)(*#)@* for me to just take some people and make it on time; Grant woke with a headache and a desire for a nap, on the ONE day off he gets this week; I discovered the cats are making a habit of peeing in the clean laundry, which is completely NOT acceptable; I just generally felt very overwhelmed and shitty about the horrifically messy house, my cramping uterus, my birthday plans gone awry, and it all led me into pointless and ungrateful "Where is the meaning in my life?" territory.

Then Grant told my sister how badly I need a break, and she said she would come and he and I could go, and Elise started acting normal. I bribed Annie so she would be responsible for her to the best of her ability while we were gone (Elise adores her; my sister is heavily pregnant, has a cold and brought her own nearly 3 year old son over). We all worked together to get the house so much cleaner it's incredible, in record time, and with a pact that the laundry room door stays closed so the cats can't get in. By the time Laura got here with Brian the floors were cleared and swept/vaccumed, all laundry was put away, the surfaces all made sense, there were scented candles burning and I felt like I was walking on air in a flattering outfit with my hair doing something cool.

I almost feel guilty about how good it felt to drive AWAY from the house today without any kids in the vehicle. Almost. First stop - buying some Aleve.

And then we went to Samurai, which is basically just Benihana, and then Barnes and Noble where I got the 2010 Writer's Market, and we browsed through Michael's where we found Ananda this awesome little $4 owl she has hanging in the middle of her room now. It didn't matter what we did, really, it was just Grant's so incredibly warm hand in mine, or on my back, or stroking my arm, and soft little kisses and talking and laughing and sharing and being together, I mean geez. I felt so light and airy just getting out of the Prius with him at a gas station without anyone in the car to worry about leaving unattended.

It's occuring to me that his drastically increased work schedule has been something of an adjustment. <- sarcasm

So yeah. That was all awesome. Then we got back and Jake was sick - crazily upset about being sick, my sister had a hard time with him for the whole last hour and Jake is normally the easiest one by far. Apparently they spent about 3 hours drawing pictures and playing outside, and then for the last hour he just suddenly got sick and wasn't having anything after that. We walked in to find him inconsolable, which made me feel so weirdly helpless because, for one, Jake is just barely newly weaned as of his birthday, and normally that is how I care for sick little ones, and 2, I sure as HELL can't pick HIM up at all without major pain and risk...he's like 45 pounds now. Grant put him on in the kozy carrier and paced with him and got him drinks and sat with him and got him to sleep until he woke up crying again, etc. While I nursed Elise over and over and got her to sleep until she woke up again crying. Blah. Right now he's asleep in the tv room with them both, under blankets, with Loony Tunes streaming endlessly on the tv. I made the bigger 3 brush their teeth and turn off their lights and turn on their fans and put away their rabbits, but am not even attempting to keep them from giggling or making lite brite pictures.

I actually think the kind of sneaky late night fun that happens when kids are supposed to be getting to sleep is really valuable bonding. *shrug*

So. I am trying to get some perspective back. About how my husband is so awesome that he works hard to support us so I can stay home and homeschool and we can have this great house. And how he's so awesome that he sneakily buys me decorations and flowers and records his own voice on a card and sets everything up as I sleep, before dawn. And how my prayers have been answered and I've found an eating plan that actually works for me and the ability to stick with it. I've got a real structured writing schedule, great leads and connections, material I believe in, and now I have the Writer's Market as a kickass resource, too. I mean what the hell, I weigh 22 pounds less than I did a month ago, how can I bitch about anything?

One thing that has been bothering me is, BECAUSE Grant and I click so well and understand each other so deeply, and have historically been together so much, I haven't really invested much in other relationships. I feel REALLY lonely and isolated sometimes, now that he's never available. I have...uh...probably 3 real FRIEND friends who I've had deep conversations and laughter with and have been to their house more than once, as well as at least 5 other more general "friends" who I see semi-regularly at meetings and events and can have a decent conversation with. But I don't have any friends who I feel like I can call on the phone out of nowhere and dump on. I have Grant for that, and Laura. But with them increasingly off limits (Laura has transportation issues and a life that revolves around her own husband's crazy work schedule) I'm really feeling how nice it would be to get to a point of just-showing-up-without-calling-first with some other people. Or at least a spontaneously-calling-to-make-plans-for-today point. My closest, best friends are long distance - either high school friends who don't live in Homestead anymore who I only see once a year or internet people who've deepened into mattering beyond the internet. I write a lot of postcards and things lately.

Speaking of internet people who've come to matter beyond the internet, DAMA will be here next Saturday...it seems surreal that it's so close, whenever I think that they are already in Florida (at Disney) I almost can't believe it. My kids get bug-eyed and grinning whenever we tell them how soon it is now :D


My To-Do List for Tomorrow

-up at a decent time, use the Wii fit
-get everyone dressed, do hair
-prayer/devotional time
-breakfast
-enforce chores
-make a list for Halloween costume supplies
-call exterminator
-set a date for potluck we're hosting; email Michelle
-persue Kristin
-do Right Start Math with A and A
-abeka with Isaac
-read to everyone in the afternoon if possible
-work on expectations/guidelines for Bob; email whatever I have to Grant to see what he thinks
-get A and A to dance classes on time (4:45)
-shop for halloween stuff with little 3
-Whole Foods while we're out
-get Tide before we come home
-and hay
-try to have dinner at a decent time, once we're back
-everyone work together to clean up - including starting more laundry
-bed for them by 9:30ish
-hang up clean stuff in my room
-try to write from 10-2am.

First of all - I just got on Facebook and saw this article -

CDC Advises Breastfeeding during H1N1 Pandemic
Formula is Added Risk in Swine Flu Epidemic.

And I wanted to say, that Grant's job had a verified outbreak of Swine Flu a couple of months back, immediately following which we all got sick with what I am 90% sure was H1N1. The hardest hit were Jake and Elise, as the youngest kids - but they are also the two nurslings. And they did their standard "I'm sick and want to nurse around the clock" thing. And after a couple of days of high fever, and a relapse, and calls to the pediatrician, what kept the ped and us from feeling like we had to run to the hospital, was the nursing. The continuous flow of fluids to prevent dehydration when most kids won't drink anything, as well as the constant flow of antibodies pumped into them.

I'm not usually preachy about this, but, damn. If you or someone you know NEEDS one more reason to breastfeed, here it is.

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Hierarchy of Household Chores According to altarflame

Things I Hate the Idea of Doing But Then Enjoy In Practice
-watering the plants
-putting all library books back where they belong
-my bedroom
-clearing massively piled surfaces

Things That I Don't Enjoy But Are Really Worth It For the Results
-cleaning the toilets
-sweeping
-helping and enforcing cleaning of the kids room
-cleaning the deck up
-math lessons with A and A
-workbook work of any type with Isaac

Things I Just For Whatever Reason Really Love the Process Of
-vaccuming
-using boiling water on the counters
-ironing
-making beds
-folding towels
-cleaning out the fridge
-studying books with them, reading to them, conversations where we topic-jump as they ask more and more leading questions

Things That Aren't That Bad
-loading the dishwasher
-dusting
-clearing clutter off the floor
-overseeing Abeka assignments and handwriting things

Chores That Can Die in A Fire
-general non-towel laundry
-keeping up with filth on walls (WHAT IS UP WITH KIDS AND WALLS?)
-mopping
-taking out trash
-anything involving toilet paper
-and/or toothpaste
-getting Aaron to do anything that is multi-step

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So. Today I have slept in too late while my kids ate a bag of frozen berries for breakfast and amused themselves with board games...note I did not say "played" board games. Then I read a lot more of The Silent Mountain; prayed often; thought about how reading about being holy can in fact be being lazy; wrote a blog entry for the winery for Grant; nursed people; weighed myself and got really happy; heated up two different homemade soups for the kids' and I's lunch; dressed smallest nakedest kids; distributed popsicles, ginger snaps, and orange slices; enforced some chores; did some reading aloud; installed some pigtails; gathered up some laundry from some rooms; successfully got facebook to work after a million failed attempts; and here I am.

I suppose I also had the forethought to get my laptop, cell phone and iPod charging, because very soon I will be getting everyone ready so I can take Ananda and Aaron to their big 3 hour block of dance classes. First I have to study AWANA verses with the little boys. Then when we are up by Dance Empire, Grant is going to meet me from work, we'll trade vehicles, and I'll take the Prius and go write things for Midwifery Today at a Starbucks while he plays taxi driver and makes dinner happen.

I must have spent half an hour studying MT's style sheet, yesterday afternoon. It goes on FOR-EV-ER. And about 30 seconds recording some ideas. I also got most of my office kilz'd, though, so there is that, even if I do have some splatter on my wrists.

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I've been tediously planning out a budget for us over the past week, that includes $100 apiece for Grant and I's birthdays next month. For mine I am thinking tickets to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra in December, and the 2010 Writers Market. Which is FIFTY BUCKS by itself. I may just look at how much the online membership is and what the differences are. And there are (crappy) tickets as low as $25 each, so...I'm still thinking about it.

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Every now and then - like when I'm carving up a freshly roasted chicken with crispy skin and running juices that smells like heaven - this eating plan I'm on is really hard. I mean, like, I can get shaky or almost cry about how hard it is at certain moments. Having the van reek of Pollo Tropical and going to wash my hands to get the plantains off of them rather than licking them clean, that kind of crap. Sometimes it just weighs really heavy on me throughout a period of a few hours. But...

I feel like I can do it. I really, really do. I feel like I connected when I prayed, about dying and upcoming surgery and my ridiculous food issues and also like I was led to this particular program. Through people and other factors. I even feel sometimes like I'm reaping spiritual benefits through the self sacrifice, in addition to probably reversing the diabetes I was almost surely starting to develop and putting less pressure by the day on my entrapped intestines and blah blah blah. It's really peaceful, but in a heavy way, if that makes any sense at all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what changes I would make for the maintenance/life plan, and how to gradually adapt the family's eating to be a little more lined up with it, and what would qualify as enough of an occasion to "break rules" and all of that.

Updated notepad file I go to every morning:
So far on Eat to Live (having last weighed 233 lbs several days before, and noting that mad5 is the 1st day of my period, when I would normally be temporarily up a few pounds)

Morning after day 1 - 229.6
MAD2 - 228.6
MAD3 - 227.4
Mad4 - 227
mad5 - 226.2
mad6 - 225.8
mad7 - 224.2
mad8 - 224.8
mad9 - 224.2
mad9 - 222.6

Aaron, 8 years old!

We'll be celebrating tomorrow, because Grant works today, but we're still making sure to do our normal "meeting Daddy for lunch" Saturday thing at a place that will sing to him and bring him cake (usually we go to this little privately owned subshop that will make all the kids grilled cheese on whole wheat for like $2 each, every week). He does not know this, but I am also planning to give him one gift at lunch - MOON SHOES we found clearanced at TJ Maxx! So perfect for Aaron, neither of us even knew they still MADE those. And, he's picked dinner...my homemade tomato sauce, seasoned up chicken and mozzarella on linguini, but with shrimp on the side special, and sparkling red grape juice. And homemade brownies with vanilla ice cream on top for dessert. He also chose that we'd all come home during Annie's dance classes and watch Bolt, which is how I came to be sitting at the computer.

His celebrating tomorrow mainly constitutes cake and presents, probably with an aunt and some grandparents, and going to Speed Demons (go carts and arcade). He elected not to have a party, which I am kind of relieved by because we're still riding the wave from Elise and Annie having these kind of big, hoopla parties that lasted hours and had the house full of people. That is not really Aaron's kind of thing anyway, I guess.

Most exciting - we bought him the unicycle he's been begging for for the last 3 months. It's locked in the shed right now :D

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Aside from the birthday, Aaron has decided he wants to dance. I feel somewhat dubious about this, just like I felt downright ambivalent when Ananda decided she had to do it back when she was, like, BORN. We'd been planning to get him back into karate, half because it seems ideal for helping him get some focus and self control and half because it's free since Grant traded them a website. Dance, as we have seen in previous posts, is NOT FREE.

Basically he's been trying to breakdance and doing cartwheels and attempting flips and things a lot for awhile. Then at their end of the week VBS show, their age group had a dance and he went wild, like, really getting into it and having all this rhythm and enthusiasm Grant and I were WAY taken aback by, it was kind of awesome. It's like he naturally has the one thing Annie just can't seem to be taught, which is...I don't know...feeling the music and throwing yourself into it, I guess. She does that with her own dancing here at home that is just wild and interpretive, but when she has steps to follow you can always see her concentrating on the memorization part.

He wants to take hip hop dancing and acrobatics at Dance Empire and they have those things for him during her time slots so it isn't any extra driving, and are willing to wave his registration fees and give us a steep discount since it's the second kid in the family (and the first kid is taking FIVE classes right now). Plus he doesn't need any special clothes or shoes for his classes. So, he's dancing now. We'll see what comes of it...

I have my suspicions that he will rapidly become wildly popular and the star of their shows, because boys tend to get starring roles easily since there is so much less competition...I saw 200 girls and 5 boys at the recital this year. You see those 5 boys over and over, in couples dancing, in the center of big choreographed things, etc...even the ones who aren't good at all. And come to think of it he was sitting with us at that recital and I wonder how much that plays in. As adorably handsome and genuinely talented at anything involving movement and balance as he is, I have a feeling he's not going to want to let go of this anytime soon...I'm actually wondering how long it will be until he comes home and tells me he has 7 girlfriends, like Hugh Hefner, and I have to have a long talk about feelings and consideration with him :p

I'm waiting, waiting all the time for a call to come that means Pa is dead. And wondering if my Dad will be able to call right away, or if he'll want to calm down first, or...

And thinking how glad I am that we got pictures and a card sent before it was too late, and that I got to visit him at the hospital before it was over, but mostly thinking about the huge chasm between the close interaction and looming significance of him, when we were kids...and this little bit of something, re-established at the very end. In between...well, I went to Key West three times in a month this year and I never stopped to see him :/ I mean it was special circumstances...the death of my other grandfather with my grief stricken mother in tow, a first weekend away for Grant and I wherein I saw no relatives and was on vacation, and a day trip for a baby shower that meant we only had a few hours on the island. Still and all. Bah. It starts to seem so hard - without Ma there to make it "Ma and Pa" there was no constant flow of relatives in and out, no endless interrupting-each-other conversation, no loud arguments to roll your eyes at, or huge meals always ready to be served up on plates...just him, chain smoking, hard of hearing and not one to intiate conversation much, in his tiny efficiency apartment with the tv always on. And that should be enough...I would want it to be enough, if it were me. If it is me.

He was the Easter Bunny, sneaking out to hide treasure and then telling us it was out there. He had a riding lawn mower I drove. He used to wake us at dawn so we could sneak to the windows and see deer in the yard, when they lived in central Florida. He made us "snack plates" that Laura and I both think of as perfectly current and appealing food. He LOVED Elise, the single time he met her, which was just last week. And told my Dad over the phone all about her, right down to how soft her hair is.

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I felt really heavy and awful all evening. Grant was home late, again, he stops at his mom's on the way and checks on her. He doesn't really understand her condition because she wants to downplay it or talk about other things and Mindy exaggerates and dramatizes to the point of being fantasy... Somewhere in the middle it seems like she absolutely must quit smoking, needs to get away from her job and from stress asap, is having more doctor's appointments than usual and is taking new medications. She went back to work yesterday. I seriously cannot stand it for her to be in danger, too. From my perspective or Grant's.

My Nana got denied entry to the rehab place they were all so excited about, because based on doctors' reports they don't think she can handle the intensive therapy they offer :/ It leaves her with really unappealing options like going home unable to move one side of her body aside from a hand and wrist, yet, still with vision impaired and some major confusion, or checking into a nursing home, which is not really an option for them...they're trying to appeal. I selfishly think of how Christmas is never going to be the same as though it is a blow to my stomach. Perhaps I'm wrong about that.

Grant led me to bed after dinner and we layed together and I cried and he talked and I talked and we kissed and so on and so forth and by the time I came out shaky legged and warm to get kids into bed (he has to be up ultra early...) I felt like I lost 50 pounds of foreboding. I love that man.

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This is the second night in a row that, with everyone else long sleeping, I have stayed up until past one am with Ananda and Aaron, reading 3 chapters at a time of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in my office. It takes longer than normal Harry Potter because we have to stop almost every page while Aaron works out a plot point that's giving him trouble, Annie excitedly expounds on some theory or other she thinks she has that explains every mystery, or we deal with something incredibly scary/sad/angering. We read The Tales of Beedle the Bard between Half Blood Prince and DH and they liked that and I was trying to stall, but really, it was so, SO fast. And between the harrowing ending and the trailers they're addicted to, for #6, I couldn't torture them anymore. I love it that they know those Tales, now, though, because it makes book 7 all fall into place so much better to be familiar with them first...Their room is plastered in HP posters from a book they bought with their own money, and Ananda is already asking me if I can make her bigger robes so she can be Ginny or Tonks for Halloween (they've long outgrown the ones I did for a costume 3 years ago...though the scarves still work, and that was the time consuming part).

We have to get the invitations and solid date and time and all ready, tomorrow, for her birthday party...she's having a formal tea for her birthday, of all things. Like, gloves and hats and I imagine I can find a lace tablecloth at a thrift store somewhere...I can't believe she's going to be NINE. 9. I have very clear memories of my own time being nine. I read Beaches, Stephen King's Misery and a Jim Morrison biography and went from a New Kids on the Block obsession to a burdgeoning interest in Motley Crue, that year. I wore pink flamingo earrings made of foam, that actually laid on my shoulders, and ripped up jeans, and those slap bracelets...I had a crush on a girl named Lula and nightmares about my mother dying. I stayed late after school to play chess with my teacher and won an award for a poem I wrote. I called everyone "Babe" and wrote "Tonight Hernandez" on my school work, insisting that was my name.

Obviously she is not me O_o (THANK GOD)

So far, for her presents, I've gotten her a vibrating, snarling Monster Book of Monsters that opens or belts closed from Amazon, a blue tshirt that says "I", then a picture of an owl, and then "U", and a silver fairy ring. It's all en route to our house.

This is 5 million pictures. Of something Jake and Annie have in common, of Isaac's birthday, of Elise looking too damn cute, and three from Mindy's wedding last Saturday.

( It's actually only 22 pictures, but you know... )

I am going to post more including OUR NEW CHICKS, the Mardi Gras parade, and some crazy nonsense from inside (of all things) our local Bass Pro Shops.