A few things...

[altarflame]

The self sufficiency of my kids when I am out of commission never fails to amaze me. Today for instance, I am just starting to get over a hellacious ear infection (yesterday Grant had to take the day off while I got an emergency ENT appointment - the whole side of my face was swollen, I couldn't chew, and there was puss coming out of my ear). I've been kind of lazy and out of it since I got up, lazing about reading in my room. I walked out to get food to take with my antibiotics, and I found:

-Jake and Elise painting on the deck, surrounded by cups of water, paper towels, and other supplies
-Ananda at the computer desk playing Taylor Swift videos as she works on her new story
-Aaron in his room showing Isaac his caterpillar habitats and explaining what kind of butterflies they're going to be and what sort of food they need

Rock on.

---

Yesterday I became educated on the bizarre ICP subculture of juggalos. If you have no idea what they are, this is the four page article I read. The comments, the lyrics scattered throughout - the Graigslist ads linked on other sites. I really do not know where to begin. It seems to be a massive growing "family" throughout the midwest, centered around Detroit. Relatives are united by wearing clown paint on their faces (toddlers included), drinking some store brand soda called Faygo - which they're credited with keeping in business (as well as spraying innocent bystanders with supersoakers full of it), and yelling "WOOP WOOP!!" a lot. When they're not speaking in gangsta rap lyrics. Their gathering has events like oil wrestling, a BEACH BOYS BARBECUE, and helicopter rides. Oh, and 15,000 attendees, many of which are actively bartering things for titties (really). Then I saw the newest Insane Clown Posse video, for the song "Miracles" which is...uh...A BIT OF A DEPARTURE from their previous work, to say the least. An entertaining mix of extreme profanity, ignorant slang and spritual wonder, all from a couple of guys in clown makeup who are known for singing about stabbing someone to death while looking at some titties...they fly through space and oceans in this one, and ride on a tower, and feature their kids, all the while urging us to look around and see the magic. "Fucking rainbows, wow!"

Ever since seeing this, I am conflicted. The SNL parody is funny, but not as funny as the actual video. The number of sites and response videos attempting to explain that none of the things ICP are claiming are "miracles" (rainbows, magnets, giraffes) actually are is kinda intense. They're all like, uh, you idiots, every single things you are listing is perfectly scientifically explainable, none of it is a "miracle". And ICP kind of do themselves in saying something along the lines of "Fuck scientists, they just piss me off" in the song. BUT!!

Now I am in this uncomfortable and embarrassing position of feeling like, ok, ICP is generally really gross, and these hoardes of white trash that gather to beat each others' asses, get high and litter for 5 day long underage orgies are pretty HORRIFYING...so maybe it's good if there is a bit of depth and awe and general gratitude introduced into that crowd by their idols. Like, ok, I don't think they ever got mocked or linked to the degree they are now when it was all about murder and objectification. If they can reach the "juggalo" crowd (shudder) by speaking their language with an actual song about being positive and stopping to think, well damn. I'm just not irony-laden or hipster enough to talk any real shit about that.

ALSO. All these obviously-far-more-educated-people who are like, "Rainbows are not miracles, they're simple refractions of light and moisture, it's called a spectrum" and "your kids looking like you is not a miracle, it's basic genetics, haven't you heard of heredity".

DO I REALLY HAVE TO SIDE WITH THE FREAKING INSANE CLOWN POSSE ON AN ISSUE?!?!

It is my overwhelming frustration belief that science and miracles can be THE SAME THINGS...His sperm meets her egg equals...another person? There is more than just cell division in between sex and birth. Something bigger than what we understand or can see under a microscope is going down to result in a new, independent consciousness. You might not believe in souls, but I don't see how you can't believe there is a lot more than we understand and some of it really does seem miraculous, if in a more "common vernacular" than "websters" sort of way.

This is actually something I think about a lot - how my faith has never been challenged by science and I don't understand why science is "enough" for anyone. The big bang theory, ok, that's how it happened - why did that get set in motion? What was there before it? Mostly, why does science explain things thoroughly enough to placate so many intelligent people? To me it has always just opened up more questions, and/or pointed to a vast unknown. That my kids, who all look like me, are sitting on the deck looking at a full-arch, brightly vivid rainbow is a lot of genetics and refraction but it's also awe-inspiring and miraculous in a whole other way that is not just misplaced semantics. I would rather experience or be around childlike wonder than jaded cynism any day of the week.

Anyway. Whenever I see really insular, WACK, loyalty-driven replacement families (gangs, cults, the juggalos) it makes me feel sad that so many people are raised without actual loving families to fill that natural void we all have for a place to belong. And it makes me wonder about the degree to which we are biologically programmed to be a part of something - a religion, a culture, a handed-down trade; something larger than we are that we are born into, raised within, identify with and are validated by. Modern American youth, by and large, don't have much religion, or culture, or tradition, and are drifting and alone.

I don't teach my kids in absolutes, really - I say, "Christians believe" and "I believe" and I teach a lot of opposing views and give them a generally wide girth of space to make their own decisions within the framework of knowing their parents think x, y and z are the truth and are encouraging them to participate.

But I SEE them searching for absolutes, sometimes. For black and white. They are frustrated by gray areas, less secure in universal tolerance when what they are looking to me for is guidelines for living and it confuses me at times. Is that just human nature, to try to seek out a side to be on and be right on that side? And if so, is that something we'll never conquer, or something we are gonna be over in a few generations?

---

Sometimes I think it's weird that I actually read news articles of some sort most every day, I'm usually in the middle of a book, I THINK about psychology and neurology...all the time...and I talk to Grant, Shaun, Laura and Dama about things I'm thinking about constantly. But I rarely write here about things I'm thinking about. I write about what's happening in our lives, but not what's going on in my head. I love other peoples' blogs about philosophical ideas, moral quandries and hypothetical situations, but I think I just get that out in conversation. And emails, where my links usually end up. Part of this is because I don't have the time or energy to expend on debates and following up on the links others will inevitably send me to, and part of it is because my lj time is really limited and so in general I'd rather archive than bs if I have to choose. Then I get a day like today where the combination of deep inner ear swelling, throbbing head, fever, very strong antibiotics (750 mg Levaquin, WHAT, this is what I was taking when I was sent home after sepsis...), and heavy alternating-every-2-hour doses of Tylenol and Motrin has got me feeling fuzzy-brained and incapacitated and so what else do I have to do but lounge around blogging about hoohaw.

Speaking of hoohaw, another thing I've been pondering is the sort of paradox some atheists must find themselves in at times. What I mean is that on the one side, if religion really does improve some peoples' lives and make society better overall, then it should, logically, be encouraged - atheists should even see the perks of signing on! Social network, safety net, comforting ideas about the afterlife, explanations for the previously unexplained, someone in charge and keeping track, being loved and heard even when alone...but on the other side, one cannot really make an intellectual decision to believe based on pros and cons. Belief is primarily a feeling, and most hardcore atheists I know are also very steadfast about siding with TRUTH above all else, so to consciously steep yourself in some sort of blind sheep denial as a way to enhance your happiness or success would seem totally unacceptable. Like a real betrayal to yourself and reality. I know two atheists who say that they think all religion is crap, a balm for society's ills, opium for the masses, etc, but - necessary. Basically, better Christians and Muslims and Jews and so on than Juggalos. "People need their crutches." I can't help but feel this is an almost unedurably superior attitude, it reminds me of my pothead, unemployed stepfather spouting off between episodes of Star Trek about how everyone else was headed for the meat grinder...but whatever ;) The rest of the atheists I know seem to exude more of a baffled irritation at the faithful around them for buying such a load of horseshit, and think that in the interest of the previously mentioned importance of Truth above all else that everybody needs to WAKE UP. Hopefully within our childrens' lifetime.

I feel a lot more empathy for the second group of people because I also have a great love for and loyalty to Truth for the sake of itself. I think it's wrong to lie to children to spare their feelings or to spouses to avoid a fight or even ON THE INTERNET because it's anonymous. As with anything "natural" (which I know not everyone finds valuable or preferable, but I do), I also feel there is an inherent value to truth and honesty (which I think can mean slightly different things here - one an intangible part of reality and the other a way to express ourselves).

BUT! I have experienced enough deeply moving and overwhelming situations, "signs", feelings and so forth, all reinforced by history, observing the world around me and other peoples' experiences, that I have become convinced my faith is part of Truth. And so my committment to truth for the sake of itself drives me to confess this online, even when I know lots of skeptical and frustrated atheists (or Pagans, or agnostics, or "cultural Jews" - or devoutly Jewish people...) who I respect as awesome people are watching, and it kinda embarrasses me.

Such a circuitous maze :p

---

-I'm going to get back to my book (The Weight of Heaven, some fiction about a liberal, agnostic Ann Arbor couple who's only child dies and they take a job transfer to India to get away from every memory of him, but are still struggling to save their marriage...just amongst a totally different culture and with a lot more guilt for being privileged white people than they used to have)
-I'm trying to take it really easy today and get better...tonight and tomorrow night I have to put a lot of energy and time into finishing the last of Annie's presents. Tomorrow-daytime I have to get A and A new dance shoes and take them to a mandatory rehearsal. Sunday is Ananda's tea party (limitless cooking and cleaning all morning to prepare for the afternoon) and Aaron's show (packing him lunch and dinner and 2 changes of costume and getting him to Lincoln Rd and back).
-maybe I'll take a walk with whoever wants to come in a little while
-definitely think it's time for more motrin, this neverending pain is wearing. me. down.
-this shit is in "my good ear". ARGH. I am going to be deaf by the time I'm like 35 at this rate!

Comments

Ah, regretsy...

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

You just did to my perfectly reasonable post what Shaun does to your statements to me by going "OOOoooooooh!!"

Re: Ah, regretsy...

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I couldn't help it. Comment deleted!!!

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

I think people get too concerned with the "how" and don't stop to look at "why".

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I don't think the how even covers how.

"Everything is made of atoms, which are made up of electrons (protons and neutrons) which orbit a nucleus"

Ok, WHAT? Where did atoms come from? Why is everything in our universe comprised of the same tiny particles, even different forms of matter? What is this tendency in nature for the microscopic to mirror the massive, such as how that atom is an awful lot like our planet and it's moon, or our whole solar system, or...how many things of how many sizes that we can't see? How do the electrons keep moving indefinitely?! Gravity, and gravitational pulls, are subjects that even when you understand (as much as any of us even can) the physics involved....are still unfathomable. We're given almost irrelevant details by science, endlessly fascinating and often useful, but explaining nothing.

"Whoa, a cake! This cake is delicious! How did it get here? Why does it exist in my kitchen?"
"That cake is a mixture of 8 cups of refined, bleached wheat pastry flour, which rises due to 4 tsp of baking powder having been added in as a leavening tool, and is sweet since it also contains both 2 cups of sugar refined from cane grown in fields and is covered in a layer of frosting that has - "
"No, no, no, HOW DID THIS CAKE GET HERE? Why is this cake on my counter???"
"The cake had to have been mixed in a large enough bowl to hold a significant amount of batter, stirred, and baked at a high temperature. It 'binded' by 3 chicken eggs, probably large by grade, which cause it to hold together on that plate, and -"
"Right, ok, who the hell mixed it up and baked it? For what purpose?"
"Well, cakes are usually baked to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries or other joyous occasions, generally by either an individual who enjoys the process or a company dedicated to making many cakes for profit - "
"Yeah I actually know that!! SO WHICH WAS IT IN THIS CASE, and can you name names?"

I understand saying "how can we possibly know who baked this cake? we walked in the kitchen at the same time you did, it's not like they left a freaking calling card!!" - I really do. That at least works rationally for me. We're all here pondering the unfathomable mystery of the spontaneous cake.

But to try to make some kind of case that science explains the cake and that settles it is and THERE IS NO MYSTERY HERE, it's a cake, put it under a microscope, vanilla with chocolate frosting, obvously from an oven! That's just...ridiculous. To me at least.

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

Totally.

[(Anonymous)]

Saying that because science hasn't answered your every question, that means god must be real/in control or whatever is kind of discounting science all together, and doesn't make much sense.

"Where did atoms come from? Why is everything in our universe comprised of the same tiny particles, even different forms of matter? What is this tendency in nature for the microscopic to mirror the massive, such as how that atom is an awful lot like our planet and it's moon, or our whole solar system, or...how many things of how many sizes that we can't see? How do the electrons keep moving indefinitely?!"

Those kinds of questions just seem silly to me because you must realise that a long time ago people were saying the same things about the earth being flat, the existence of other planets, what matter was made up of, etc etc. in relation to "we don't know everything, therefore god MUST be real". Then science discovered the answers. Science is constantly discovering more answers and, if given enough time, could obviously answer all the questions you've asked there. And, um, if you read more about science you would find that a lot of those questions have already been answered. Most of them, actually.

The logic you seem to have about mystery = god doesn't make sense. There is no mystery, there is just stuff we don't know yet. It's not a mystery, because there's already a clear and concise pattern in relation to scientific discoveries. We don't know something, it gets researched, and over time small bits and pieces of facts and truth become apparent. If you really think about it, in the scheme of things science has discovered an effing shitload of stuff in a very, very, very small amount of time. It's pretty insulting to call anything about that "ridiculous". You call the answers science gives you "almost irrelevant", but they are what saved your daughter's life. Not serendipity or inspiring others to believe.

[emeraldrabbit.livejournal.com]

One of the things that I love about you is how you do things like take a silly example like ICP and use it as a launchpad to actually investigate some really fascinating trends and concepts, all the while very aware of how silly the thing was in the first place. I love it :D I mean it! No sarcasm. I love how you think!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I (JUST) finally added you back at this name - I kept seeing your posts about it under the old name and being like, oh yeah I have to do that right n- and then getting interrupted and forgetting about it. All caught up on the reading, now.

[emeraldrabbit.livejournal.com]

Want more reading? I have an infertility-related (currently) public blog. ;) In case my LJ wasn't enough! I'll eventually probably move to a full-on copy and paste relationship (not leaving LJ anytime soon) and both will match. Right now I'm just keeping the IF stuff a bit aside, and no names and personal info because it's all public.

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

I demand to know who this is.

[emeraldrabbit.livejournal.com]

Also I'm glad your ear is feeling better :( that sounds MISERABLE.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

It sucks. A lot. The last time it was this bad was 2008, and before that probably 2004, but UGH MAN.

[jamievulva.livejournal.com]

My younger brother is a Juggalo. He turned 23 yesterday. He has been a Juggalo for 11 years now.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

That is a huge chunk of life. There seems to be major loyalty and staying power for them. Maybe they'll be to our kids what Grateful Dead followers are to us...

What does he think of "Miracles", and the way ICP have revealed that the whole Dark Carnival 8-album "journey" was leading up to (or back to) God? I can easily imagine a lot of Juggalos being super pissed about that and feeling...I don't know, scammed or something.

[jamievulva.livejournal.com]

I thought it would be best if my brother answered these questions, so I sent him an email of what you posted and your questions, and this was his response.

"well whoever wrote the article she read was greatly misinformed about juggalos the dumb shit we do and how we are togetherlol.as far as miracles gos,thats thier idea of the world and how it works like said above they even mention the whole scince thing in the song.if any one was actually a fan of the music and would listen to their lyrics thay would see the whole god thing not to be a suprise.there a re all kinds of hints of it all thruout the music.but to the main point its all their perception they just write about it.oh yeah and the murder in the music is usually about killing a biggot or child molester or someone else that deserves to die lol.and yes there is bartering for tittys at the gathering hahahqahahahahaha TITTYS YO"



.......Yeah.

[daveandmonika.livejournal.com]

I just started reading "Modern Physics and Ancient Faith" and in just the first 3 chapters it has touched on a lot of what you were just talking about :)....have you read it?

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

No, but just the title intrigues me! *googling...*

[daveandmonika.livejournal.com]

Mystery! God of the Gaps! The Big Bang theory!

I'd would love it if the commenter above read it too and shared her views on it from a non-Christian worldview. :)

[laynerox.livejournal.com]

juggalos are not the brightest. on more than one occasion, several of them have attempted to purchase tickets to an icp (or twizted) show over the phone. with cash.

seriously.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

I think the problem you're seeing with atheists (and what most religious people seem to mirror, I find) is that they assume they're somehow UNHAPPY and that their lack of beliefs bring them nothing but quandary and arrogance... rather than a sense of peace. A lack of faith (or belief in science and "truth") can lend just as much piece of mind, comfort, community and so on as your affiliation/belief with church can... just in a different way.
The idea that the faithless MUST find faith to find peace is exactly what atheists find so offensive about religion.

(Disclaimer: I don't pretend to speak for all atheists).

As the rest of it: I have never listened to, nor know a thing about, ICP. And I have no idea what juggalos are.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

It is hard for me to completely get rid of that assumption, sometimes, because the two atheists I have known well enough over long enough time in my RL to really talk about this stuff have actually told me they are at varying stages of misery because they have no belief - as in they are bitter about the pointlessness of it all and horrified by mortality being the end of everything - and other people all around them are dumb enough to believe this stuff which makes them feel (superior and) very isolated. One of them is a straight white guy with some pretty major clinical depression and the other is a SUPER educated (working on third degree) lesbian who doesn't have any diagnosable stuff but has to drink a lot to go on (her own words...) The chick has almost attacked me before, like, do you have any idea what it's like to go through life WITHOUT those blinders up and walk around knowing every single person you see on the street and in your house will be dead one day?!?!

Obviously the two of them don't speak for all atheists either, but it's hard to completely filter out that kind of polarizing personal experience. I know of at least one person online who is a super well adjusted and happy atheist who is doing great in life and I respect a lot (idiolecto).

You have to have some idea of what juggalos are now if you read the entry: I explained! :p

[victorymarch.livejournal.com]

I've been studying microbiology at University for the past few years, but I've been an atheist for much longer than I've been a scientist. I don't see science as being at odds with miracles- Sure we know that sperm and egg meet, cells start to divide and differentiate into organs and bones and muscle tissue- but people are more than just the sum of their parts. There are so many different people that could come out of that combination but only one does, and to me that's fascinating. THAT particular egg was released, and THAT one sperm fertilized it out of all the other thousands that were swimming around. Whereas I get the impression that some would attribute the meeting of those two things to divine will, it's the very fact that is it was chance happening that makes it miraculous to me.

My lack of faith is very important to me, and provides me a lot of comfort in tumultuous times. The idea that terrible, heart wrenching things (natural disaster, death etc,)are part of some great plan infuriates me, because it puts the life of some above the life of others (There but for the grace of God go I...). Beyond what we can control, to me the world is neither fair nor unfair- it just is.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

This is a great comment, it's easy for me to really understand where you are coming from and nod along.

I will say that I don't agree that a great plan puts the lives of some above the lives of others, though...biblically Christians are basically told to expect persecution and even martyrdom, taking the long view that they suffer in this life but have an eternal reward coming. Generally the suffering is seen as being "used" to (spiritually) move others or refine your own soul, or both. I mean I suppose that is still an inverted sort of favoritism, but...I hope you know what I mean here. It is a very known thing among Christians that tragedy befalls everyone and happiness and sadness both serve God in different ways that none of us can really understand in this life.