Life's been good to me so far

Today, I read Jake and Elise 1.5 chapters of The Goblet of Fire. I read Elise The Long Forgotten Doll. I read Jake Never Too Little To Love and I Love You More.

I didn't actually read to Ananda and Aaron, today, but the three of us did watch both the first and second updates on the Reading Rainbow kickstarter (along with contributing with them sitting next to me, all of us emotional), and this Mental Floss video that they recognized just about every single thing from (including the author narrating):



This is how I found Isaac sleeping last night, not long after I left his room following our HP chapter:


The child that I was so freaked about being unable to read, just 2 years ago. I've lost count of his re-readings of those Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. Other than that, there's a very battered copy of The Order of the Phoenix, and an Archie comic, on his bed there...

I have some parenting regrets, and some parenting insecurities, but I feel really good knowing that I've done this right, with them.

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Once we got to the pool yesterday, I took this:

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This weekend, I think that all seven of us are going to go see Maleficent together, which is exciting. We also have a birthday party for a friend, and Ananda is turning 14. She's electing to have an outing rather than a party - we'll see where that goes. I've got tons of stuff stashed away for her. FOURTEEN!

I feel like absolute crap today, physically. I don't know what's going on, but ever since we got back from swimming yesterday I've been semi-nauseous with a low grade headache. I can't shake the feeling that the pool made me sick, even though everyone else is fine and that doesn't even make sense. Just, ugh. It rained a lot today though, so I didn't have to go outside to water anything, and it felt very cozy and nice in the house. Annie made us chai and a big plate of mozzarella, tomato slices and basil leaves, this afternoon. Grant took care of dinner after I washed yet another epic mountain of dishes.

Bleh, I do not feel like I'm going to be able to sleep at all (because horizontal=more nauseous), but clearly it's past time to do so. I developed the ability, while I felt like shit CONSTANTLY, to be physically upset and emotionally happy at the same time. It's weird how that can happen. I mean when pain really amps up or exhaustion really kicks in, they can take over everything, but my baseline was so awful for awhile there that little things like "kinda sick" still don't really effect my mood overly much.

I've been having THE WEIRDEST and most vivid dreams every night. I mean everything from summoning demons with a big group in an abandoned house, to slow dancing on a stage in the middle of a crowded stadium, with John Goodman? Seriously wtf. And, I've been waking up 1-2 minutes before my alarm is set to go off for about a week now - which is really fucking bizarre, because I set my alarm for totally different times on different days and have nothing even vaguely resembling a regular bedtime. This even happened at the end of a nap over the weekend - normally I have to set alarms for naps because otherwise I'll just sleep for hours and hours. It's starting to be almost expected, though, that I'll suddenly wake up, grab my phone off the windowsill and see that my alarm is about to go off O_o

Tomorrow morning, after I take Isaac to school and pay some bills, I s'pose I've gotta schedule an eye exam for Aaron (based on some complaints he had today) and my annual pap/IUD check (since I realized that's about 6 months overdue). And get my supah-late shot. And do my laundry. And then basically concentrate on Elise learning to read, all day long.

I'll leave you with this video my friend Kristin made - it's a contest entry for the Tour de Fat car to bike trade, and she won. That means she'll get to donate her only-barely-sellable car to be auctioned off for charities she likes, as a tax deduction, and will get thousands of dollars to spend at a bike shop to outfit herself and her kids with bikes/gear. She's been planning to go car free for a long time, so she wasn't as upset as she would have been otherwise about her car's new problems. But finding and winning this contest is such a KRISTIN thing to do - I swear she can just manifest...anything.

Me: *knocking on my brother's door at 3:30 am* I know you're still awake in there playing WoW, Bobra. I need a snorkel.
Bob: *opening the door* What?
Me: I need a snorkel. Didn't you move all the beach stuff into your closet?
Bob: Yeah, but I didn't see the snorkels.
Me: *looking* Damn...do you have a fat straw in here?
Bob: NO! What the hell?
Me: Grant's in the bath and wants to be able to lay under water and breathe.
Bob: Oh.

I have been laughing hysterically for the last hour at this website Grant pointed me to: http://dontevenreply.com It is basically a guy being an ass, fake replying to craigslist ads, and then posting the exchanges as hilarity ensues. I think the best ones are:

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=84

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=13

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=28 (wherein he plays two people)

http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=50

Ananda was having a major problem today with her hair being straight, as opposed to how Elise and I (and Jake and Isaac) have super curly hair. This is a brand new issue, as far as I know. She was like, refusing to talk and getting teary for the first time in forever over it. I spent a long time swaying with her in the kitchen, telling her how her hands, her feet, her chin, her bookish tendencies, her taste in food, all sorts of things are just like me, and how beautiful she is just the way she is...then I brought her in my room where we read another chapter of A Wrinkle in Time, and then tickled and laughed hysterically for awhile before watching some YouTube videos and searching thesaurus.com for a suitable name for our house, a la the Weasley's "Burrow".

Speaking of Harry Potter, I just finished what was initially the most AMAZING fanfiction story, like truly this is the first time I've ever thought a fanfiction author should be writing "real" books as I read. I was stuck on this thing for days, which means it was really long, because I read REALLY fast. Aaaaaand...she totally blew the ending. And now I am bitter.

Speaking of reading materials, it also turns out that part of Ananda's problem was that she started book 1 of the Series of Unfortunate Events series, and it is really getting to her. She has a baby sister she feels responsible for and is coming into puberty, both like Violet, and she has had realistic fears of parent death, and she said she kept having to breathe and put the book aside and say "It's only fiction. It's only fiction." I talked very seriously with her about just not finishing the book but she really felt like she needed to and I ended up letting her, and I think reading through the end (wherein Violet is not married to the creepy pervert and the baby sister has not plummetted to her death) was REALLY relieving for her. It makes me think I need to be monitoring what elementary school aged fiction she reads a little better...

Speaking of publishing (ok we weren't...humor me) - today when I checked the mail I got my two copies of the Spring issue of Midwifery Today, in which I am featured :D At first I was sort of glum about how it's a mostly black and white trade journal, like, come on why would I get all excited about this, but then I realized I'm sandwiched in between an Ina May Gaskin piece and a Gloria Lemay piece and was like, you know what? This is cool.

Not cool - Isaac bit THE HELL out of Jake earlier. Like the biting was through clothes, and still Jake bled. Isaac had no explanation or excuse either, it wasn't a play fighting or retaliatory thing, it was very "I don't know why, I just wanted to do it". *sigh* I hate when Isaac fuels my fears of him locking Grant and I in a basement a la Silence of the Lambs when he's older. I need to get some good time in with him tomorrow, like I did with Ananda and Elise today. Not eating dairy and doubling his probiotics seems to be easing his belly discomfort, but he's complaining of nightmares just about every night, again :/

I feel like a total derelict where Aaron is concerned, because I just completely spaced and FORGOT that he had a special rehearsal for their Orlando competition (WHICH IS NEXT WEEKEND) today. We remembered hours later. He has another one tomorrow. Which he WILL make it to. *sigh*

Jake made up this word "myu", rhymes with you. It means "me and you". So for instance he comes to me and says, "Myu should have love together" or "Why don't myu play legos?" He's constantly making up words. He says things like, "If I say 'laddy' that means 'I want a pbj', ok? Laddy." He also has this domineering thing where he has to be in control at all times, so for instance he'll ask for a mommy and daddy sandwich, wherein we hold him in between us, but before we start he tells us, "When I'm done, I'm going to say 'Sandwich over'." Then we pick him up and he cuddles and kisses us and then sternly says, "Sandwich over!"...and we set him down. It is hilarious to me that he has found a way to be consistently refusing to seem to obey me, but no longer get in trouble for it, too - now whenever I ask him to do anything, he does it immediately, while angrily saying "I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO THAT!" or "I WAS ALREADY DOING THAT!"

I have to get with gettin if Grant and I are going to be able to watch The Office on hulu.

I had some really productive emdr sessions last week, 2 different 2-hour ones. I came out of both feeling lighter and enlightened - there's a lot of really screamingly obvious stuff about myself that I've just not realized in the past, that is all falling into place. I had an entire night of nonstop nightmares every time I'd doze back off again, a few nights ago, that was a bit awful and even kept me feeling shook up (partially from lack of sleep) for a day or two after... But then Tuesday I went back to the therapist and had what I can only describe as a life-altering realization. I came out grinning like a fool and have been shaking my head and going over it again ever since.

I've been writing a lot about all of this in a paper journal, which is part of why I haven't been updating here much.

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That last post I made about Elise was apparently a bit too soon. I watched Grant hand her a piece of balled up paper and say, "Throw this away", and her run over to the trash and toss it, and thought, wow. What the heck. Because when I give her a direction like that, I say something more along the lines of "Elise, can you put this in the garbage can? The trash? Throw this away in the trash can..." with gestures and pointing. So I thought, ok, what else can she do that I didn't know? Apparently a lot is the answer. Later that same evening she followed me into my room and without looking back at her I nonchalantly said, "Close that please" and she turned around and shut the door immediately. Then at dinner I looked over at her curiously when it was prayer time and said, "Can you pray, Elise?" She folded her hands and bowed her head. I swear a tiny halo popped into existence with a small ding above her. Ok, that part is in my mind. But damn. That is some cute whatnot. She's been sitting there like that as we pray every night since :)

She also climbed up on the piano bench while I was nursing Jake to sleep on the (adjacent) couch, at the new house, yesterday, and sat there "playing" for more than 10 minutes. It was not songs and I'm not pretending it was, it was picking and silliness and this and that, sometimes one hand and sometimes two, sometimes more than one note at a time and sometimes overlapping stuff that clanged (though mostly not), but just that she had the concentration and interest to sit there that way for so long (she's 14 months old!) kind of blew my mind. There was none of the crazy ass banging on the keys that happens when Jake or Brian approaches the piano, either. I heard her climbing down after a pause, and then she peaked around the edge of the couch where Jake and I were laying and grinned at me, clapping for herself. I clapped too - loudly and with cheers.

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Someone from Dade County's "Office of Home Education" appeared on my doorstep, which is one of my paranoid fears, fyi, but it went fine. Apparently they never got/filed a copy of Ananda's evaluation from last year. She had an evaluation, passed it, I honestly can't remember now whether or not I sent it in (which is wack of me) but I had copies filed anyway. The lady was polite, apologetic, and acted as though they misplace tons of these things that ARE mailed, asking if I can please fax it in to them as though she were scared of overburdening me or thought I might pull out a shotgun and order her off my property.

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I found a book (in our own stash of books, that was given to us awhile back and I'd never read before) called, "Who is God?", by Carolyn Nystrom. It is absolutely perfect for Isaac right now. He is nonstopallthetime asking me God questions - What does God look like? Where does God live? Who the heck was Jesus, really? Why can't we go to Heaven for a visit? At first he was not interested in the book, after flipping through it eagerly and then throwing it aside angrily, saying "There aren't pictures of God!" Once he sat through it once, though, he was hooked and now he wants to read it all day. The pictures are kind of lame, but it has tons of those kid-and-God questions, with totally theological answers in the form of paraphrased (and cited!) scripture. It also has a just about ideal balance of "God is enormous, he knows everything, we can even love him and fear him at the same time" along with "God is my friend". I was pleasantly surprised. Ananda and Aaron tend to be nearby and quiet whenever I start reading it, too.

Speaking of reading. I told those little putzes that I would read to them for a length of time determined by the cleanness of their room, the other evening. As an example I said that if it was still as it was as I layed down the deal, they would get one sentence. Grant was joking on me that it was going to totally backfire, that I would get in there and they would have materialized duvets and shams and things out of thin air, and Isaac would be wearing a suit :p It WAS actually really, really improved. They got two chapters of The Goblet of Fire, which is FIFTY pages and took almost an hour...but really I have a lot of fun reading them Harry Potter. They're so absorbed in the suspense and laugh out loud often, too.

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I wrote recently about going to a framing store and spending a lot of time talking with the owner and falling in love with some original art I was sad to not be able to afford, but still considering even though I know I shouldn't, yada yada yada. Well. Apparently my mother in law, who does their ads for the local paper, was in there the next day and the guy was like, Oh I saw your daughter in law, and my mil jumped on the opportunity to ask what I'd been looking at and bought it for us! But. She didn't TELL ME she bought it for us, so then the next day I called the store and asked the guy about it and he apologized, saying someone had made a deposit, all the while laughing at my unknowing dissapointment. Then the following day, my husband set me up with groans and "looks" about how mil had gotten us a housewarming gift - she is a little notorious for bizarre and unfitting gifts with best intentions - so I was dreading having to put on the usual show of "Oh that's great!" and already wondering about whether whatever it was would be something I'd be obligated to "display" for her benefit. And let me tell you, G was really encouraging my grief and egging me on, and letting me ramble like a fool about how much better it would be if we could just clue her in about what sort of things we actually like so she didn't keep wasting her money on random stuff...I was ALREADY feeling guilty and ungrateful...and then it was THAT! The piece I had been dying for!

I swear :p

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My life seems very uncondusive (is that even a word?) to public journaling lately. I have a hilarious story about running into someone I hadn't in awhile, but they might see it or hear about it somehow. I have family stuff that family would be upset by. *shrug* Yeah yeah filters, but what's the fun in that? I'm also weighing very seriously whether or not I'm actually ready to take on PATH leadership again, but not feeling like I want to do that where PATH members will see. If I decide to go ahead it will be because I'm truly ready to, and if not it will be for the sake of the group...but either way I wonder who's already in on my having ptsd and all that sort of thing, and wondering if I'm a good choice based on that.


It looks like we're going to have a day of picnic lunch, cleaning out the van and doing schoolwork, today, and then tomorrow things center around Annie's soccer sign up and game night.