Life's been good to me so far

I had some really productive emdr sessions last week, 2 different 2-hour ones. I came out of both feeling lighter and enlightened - there's a lot of really screamingly obvious stuff about myself that I've just not realized in the past, that is all falling into place. I had an entire night of nonstop nightmares every time I'd doze back off again, a few nights ago, that was a bit awful and even kept me feeling shook up (partially from lack of sleep) for a day or two after... But then Tuesday I went back to the therapist and had what I can only describe as a life-altering realization. I came out grinning like a fool and have been shaking my head and going over it again ever since.

I've been writing a lot about all of this in a paper journal, which is part of why I haven't been updating here much.

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That last post I made about Elise was apparently a bit too soon. I watched Grant hand her a piece of balled up paper and say, "Throw this away", and her run over to the trash and toss it, and thought, wow. What the heck. Because when I give her a direction like that, I say something more along the lines of "Elise, can you put this in the garbage can? The trash? Throw this away in the trash can..." with gestures and pointing. So I thought, ok, what else can she do that I didn't know? Apparently a lot is the answer. Later that same evening she followed me into my room and without looking back at her I nonchalantly said, "Close that please" and she turned around and shut the door immediately. Then at dinner I looked over at her curiously when it was prayer time and said, "Can you pray, Elise?" She folded her hands and bowed her head. I swear a tiny halo popped into existence with a small ding above her. Ok, that part is in my mind. But damn. That is some cute whatnot. She's been sitting there like that as we pray every night since :)

She also climbed up on the piano bench while I was nursing Jake to sleep on the (adjacent) couch, at the new house, yesterday, and sat there "playing" for more than 10 minutes. It was not songs and I'm not pretending it was, it was picking and silliness and this and that, sometimes one hand and sometimes two, sometimes more than one note at a time and sometimes overlapping stuff that clanged (though mostly not), but just that she had the concentration and interest to sit there that way for so long (she's 14 months old!) kind of blew my mind. There was none of the crazy ass banging on the keys that happens when Jake or Brian approaches the piano, either. I heard her climbing down after a pause, and then she peaked around the edge of the couch where Jake and I were laying and grinned at me, clapping for herself. I clapped too - loudly and with cheers.

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Someone from Dade County's "Office of Home Education" appeared on my doorstep, which is one of my paranoid fears, fyi, but it went fine. Apparently they never got/filed a copy of Ananda's evaluation from last year. She had an evaluation, passed it, I honestly can't remember now whether or not I sent it in (which is wack of me) but I had copies filed anyway. The lady was polite, apologetic, and acted as though they misplace tons of these things that ARE mailed, asking if I can please fax it in to them as though she were scared of overburdening me or thought I might pull out a shotgun and order her off my property.

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I found a book (in our own stash of books, that was given to us awhile back and I'd never read before) called, "Who is God?", by Carolyn Nystrom. It is absolutely perfect for Isaac right now. He is nonstopallthetime asking me God questions - What does God look like? Where does God live? Who the heck was Jesus, really? Why can't we go to Heaven for a visit? At first he was not interested in the book, after flipping through it eagerly and then throwing it aside angrily, saying "There aren't pictures of God!" Once he sat through it once, though, he was hooked and now he wants to read it all day. The pictures are kind of lame, but it has tons of those kid-and-God questions, with totally theological answers in the form of paraphrased (and cited!) scripture. It also has a just about ideal balance of "God is enormous, he knows everything, we can even love him and fear him at the same time" along with "God is my friend". I was pleasantly surprised. Ananda and Aaron tend to be nearby and quiet whenever I start reading it, too.

Speaking of reading. I told those little putzes that I would read to them for a length of time determined by the cleanness of their room, the other evening. As an example I said that if it was still as it was as I layed down the deal, they would get one sentence. Grant was joking on me that it was going to totally backfire, that I would get in there and they would have materialized duvets and shams and things out of thin air, and Isaac would be wearing a suit :p It WAS actually really, really improved. They got two chapters of The Goblet of Fire, which is FIFTY pages and took almost an hour...but really I have a lot of fun reading them Harry Potter. They're so absorbed in the suspense and laugh out loud often, too.

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I wrote recently about going to a framing store and spending a lot of time talking with the owner and falling in love with some original art I was sad to not be able to afford, but still considering even though I know I shouldn't, yada yada yada. Well. Apparently my mother in law, who does their ads for the local paper, was in there the next day and the guy was like, Oh I saw your daughter in law, and my mil jumped on the opportunity to ask what I'd been looking at and bought it for us! But. She didn't TELL ME she bought it for us, so then the next day I called the store and asked the guy about it and he apologized, saying someone had made a deposit, all the while laughing at my unknowing dissapointment. Then the following day, my husband set me up with groans and "looks" about how mil had gotten us a housewarming gift - she is a little notorious for bizarre and unfitting gifts with best intentions - so I was dreading having to put on the usual show of "Oh that's great!" and already wondering about whether whatever it was would be something I'd be obligated to "display" for her benefit. And let me tell you, G was really encouraging my grief and egging me on, and letting me ramble like a fool about how much better it would be if we could just clue her in about what sort of things we actually like so she didn't keep wasting her money on random stuff...I was ALREADY feeling guilty and ungrateful...and then it was THAT! The piece I had been dying for!

I swear :p

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My life seems very uncondusive (is that even a word?) to public journaling lately. I have a hilarious story about running into someone I hadn't in awhile, but they might see it or hear about it somehow. I have family stuff that family would be upset by. *shrug* Yeah yeah filters, but what's the fun in that? I'm also weighing very seriously whether or not I'm actually ready to take on PATH leadership again, but not feeling like I want to do that where PATH members will see. If I decide to go ahead it will be because I'm truly ready to, and if not it will be for the sake of the group...but either way I wonder who's already in on my having ptsd and all that sort of thing, and wondering if I'm a good choice based on that.


It looks like we're going to have a day of picnic lunch, cleaning out the van and doing schoolwork, today, and then tomorrow things center around Annie's soccer sign up and game night.