altarflame | Entries tagged with grant and i

I am really, really busy. I have too much time to think because I'm often busy in idle ways - driving people to far flung locations, sweeping the floor, sitting in a boring class, etc. But as far as sitting down to make a big entry? Not so simple lately...

I got an actual ring for my nose piercing.

I really like writing papers and analyzing literature again, for english.

Grant went to his interview for the other job and got an official offer, that he's trying to leverage to get a fat raise at his current one...but he doesn't really think that'll happen.

I made my YouTube obsessed son this cake for his 10th birthday:

Tonight, when I went and picked the two of them up from the third extended, four hour long Lord of the Rings movie (they've been showing them in theaters...) I had to listen to the most absurd conversations ever the whole way home.

Ananda: IT WAS SO EPIC, IT WAS THE MOST EPIC THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, THERE WAS NO END TO THE EPICNESS, TOMORROW LOGAN IS GOING TO HEAR A WHOLE LECTURE ON ALL THE EPIC -
Me: Logan likes Lord of the Rings?
Ananda: NO! But I'm going to make him listen anyway! I made Aaron listen for half an hour!
Aaron: It's really weird how for this, she's the hyper crazy one and I'm the calm one.
Ananda: He's the only one who'll listen!
Aaron: Sometimes I just have to play along.
Ananda: You remember the Nazgul?
Aaron: The what?
Ananda: The nazgul, come on Aaron!
Aaron: The Nashew?
Ananda: *rolling her eyes* I forget you don't speak elvish.
Aaron: Not everyone SPEAKS ELVISH ANNIE.
Ananda: Ok, well, the NAZ-GUL -
Aaron: Nah-hooey?
Ananda: NAZ-GUL!!
Aaron: Naz*raspberry fart noise*fahoohoo?
Me: Bursting into hysterical laughter as I drive
Ananda: MOM you're encouraging him!
Me: nearly wrecking as tears start to fall
Aaron: I know what you're talking about. The leader of the ring wraiths.
Ananda: You KNEW?!?!

She's absconded the ring from our Lord of the Rings monopoly and is wearing it around her neck all the time on a chain, which causes Aaron to constantly talk in a horribly accurate Gollem voice about The Precious and randomly tackle her for it.

Jake has been walking around with a giant straw, sucking up air and then burping loudly.

My kids, I tell you.

I think everyone is mostly doing well, although I am periodically at a serious loss about my lack of downtime. Today I spent a lot of time on hold on the phone, I taught everyone and had them do tons of schoolwork, I read to A and A, I cooked lunch, I did my homework, I went to class, I picked them up from their movie. I'm starting an EARLY MORNING EXCERCISE ROUTINE that sounds like serving myself up a big plate of death for breakfast each day because I've gained weight and am at an all time high and really not happy about it.

I'm loving Florence and the Machine's live performances on KEXP (easily found on YouTube), and this enormous insane ring I got the other day, I mean, it's just ridiculous. I'm a giant piece of red glass that I texted a pic of to

rainingkisses and she was just like, that is gaudy. I'm getting another God forsaken piece of shit ear infection (I'm not happy about this, can you tell?) and even though I've been CHUGGING emergen-C, raw garlic, probiotics and anti-inflammatories, and using the alcohol and vinegar spray my ENT had me whip up to keep in a spray bottle, I can tell I'm gonna have to go to in. I don't have TIME for the ENT. My next few days are like, sell my summer a course textbook back for gas money, get my new financial aid appeal filed, take the kids to this beach day we have scheduled with some other families, TLC at the Pinecrest Library, potluck at Kristin's house, homework, 3 online quizzes for social science, another english class, water all my plants, clean this pig sty again, teach everyone read to everyone love everyone cook a lot - this is all before the weekend. I do not have time for doctor's appointments.

But I can tell the pain is gonna go through the roof sometime in the next 3 days :/

I also need to go back to my gynecologist all post-period and have her check that my IUD is still positioned correctly and give me a green light to not think about it again until my next pap smear.

Tangent: I went to the orientation for Elise's preschool and really loved it. I'm super excited for her. Ananda, Aaron, Isaac and Jake are all gonna be in the Greater Miami Youth Symphony beginner's camp from 9am-3pm for 3 weeks this summer, which is a TON of time for just Elise and I. Then when the school year starts, she'll be in pre-k from 9am-noon and I imagine it'll give me a good opportunity to take advantage of doing school with the older four without her constant show stealing interruptions. I'm considering how many mornings per week I want this to be for; I'd just assumed it would be all five but as I was selecting options on paper the other day I realized it might be better in several ways to just make it M-T-W.

Ananda had her Girl Scout award ceremony for the end of the year. She's a cadette now. I sewed everything on her new vest for the event and she made brownies and lemonade herself to take. I also surprised her with an audaciously enormous owl ring from the same place I bought this absurd ring I'm wearing.

Grant and I keep doing this touch base on the phone or in the car or over email or as we drowsily lay in the bed thing that involves a lot of furrowed brow-ing and "we're making it all work, we can do this"ing. Sometimes we get kind of scared that we need more time together or are drifting apart, especially as we only just did some major relationship repair work - he is really freaked about taking this new job and committing to so much time apart and it having devastating irreparable effects :/ I feel like we're trying to accomplish massive, enormous amounts of things (me getting a degree and publishing books; us educating and raising our kids well, and paying all the bills we have; him climbing a corporate ladder) all at once and that we just have to sort of buckle down and deal for a year or two and then things will ease up a little on several levels. Hopefully o_O

We're back from Boca Raton (since late Thursday night). It was pretty good. The kids and I glutted ourselves on delicious and very pimped out free breakfast every morning and went swimming every day. I felt I was friends with the omelette and pancake chef guy by the time we left (laughter and tips each morning...he cooks better than I do).

The noodle fish in it's native habitat.
The first day at the pool I got to be the mom of the four year old girl running around the deck with a pool noodle between her legs telling everyone to look at her giant penis. *headdesk*

I drank rum every night (free bar, and kiddie drinks and snacks, every night from 5:30-7:30). I took them to the Gumbo Limbo Nature Center one afternoon - it was totally worth it as a FREE trip that involved seeing injured and rehabilitating sea turtles up close, their amazing butterfly garden, lots of (outdoor!) aquariums full of great exotic things like urchins, starfish, sea horses, etc, and climbing to the top of their 40 foot observation tower that sways in the breeze...but it also turned awful because it was a 100 degree day and we didn't realize the reeeeallly loooong boardwalk was ONE WAY...until we got to the end of it. Everyone was bright red from near heat stroke and long past done by the time we got out of there (nevermind that we'd guzzled probably a gallon of water combined and poured that much on our heads, as well).

A and A went by themselves to see the extended version of The Lord of the Rings (1, 2 and 3 are upcoming, this is around the country) in theater. Neither Grant nor I wanted to spend our one evening together in a FOUR HOUR LONG MOVIE we've already seen. They came out FLIPPING THE HELL OUT about the EPICNESS of it so large, loud and surround-sound. G and I were actually able to lock the bedroom door and make some private adult time happen while they were gone, and the three littles watched Noggin. Other than that evening he was doing team building and social activities with/for the company, eating dinner with them, etc.

I managed to get three social studies quizzes taken (well) online and do/email my 3 page paper for SLS, and I got a callback on the first Craigslist job I sent a resume in for, while we were there :) I also got all my studying and homework for algebra done within the first 36 hours we were back. Understanding algebra is a whole new world for me over here, I'm really glad I'm doing this now before my older kids hit higher level math.

( Camera Phone Pics from Gumbo Limbo; 9, 8 of which are far too big )

I felt pretty isolated while we were there (when I didn't feel like a boss for all that was getting accomplished), on my own with the five kids without Grant or my sister/friends in town or even internet access most of the time. I mean you talk to strangers in the pool but come on. Still, I've had to deal with hotel withdrawal from the first morning I woke up with everyone wanting to know what was for breakfast and what we were doing that day O_o Seriously, I could use some automatic maid service around here.

I'm currently having my first IUD period and, well...it's pretty horrific. Both in pain and debilitation levels and in blood loss. I mean...this is carnage. I spent all of yesterday dizzy and weak trying to just lay around as much as possible :/ I'm having to deal with things like "Oh I bled through all that onto the van seat...and...the chair at Starbucks...this is awesome...." I changed clothes 3 times yesterday *sigh* I had to sit on a fucking folded towel to ride with my sister to Whole Foods (because we don't have time to hang out, like, ever anymore). I thought I was going to have to take oxycodone to sleep last night - it actually hurt badly enough that I was wondering if I had perforated or something - but my wonderful and open minded husband helped me with alternate pain relief, if you know what I mean. And if you don't you probably don't want to.

Supposedly a lot of women's bodies adjust to the IUD within some variable number of cycles and then this shit lets up a little. That would be nice... I mean I don't have any other complaints here, I had no cramps or spotting between periods and still started on time as I would have normally. But, uh....sheesh. The last time it was this bad was when Dama was down last year and I was just LAYED UP by it, but that only lasted one or two days and we're on day 3 of insanity here now. I'm so thirsty it's impossible to drink enough.

This is my new fb profile pic, taken at Cauley Square by Grant.

Pics from the TLC end of the year pool party that I talked about in the last entry, stolen (with permission) from Cybele's facebook :)

cake Annie and Sophia made.

Annie and Sophia :)

My daughter in the purple shirt.

Outdoor living room.

The other 2/3 of Aaron's "gang", the Ninja Dolphins.

He thinks it's hilarious that someone else who went tagged this pic of him "that crazy guy" on fb.

All pools all the time.

I don't know who these TLC kids think they are even having an end of the year party; they've already had one more "meeting" (Christina's birthday party, at her house) since and are resuming meeting at the library on Friday afternoons for the summer :p

Since we've been back, my broke ass has scored an espresso maker and a stair climber for free (freecyle and a neighbor giving away). I've gotten to a point in my coffee consumption where I can clearly no longer afford to depend on Starbucks alone (plus I can use almond or coconut milk at home), and I've wanted a stair climber ever since Aaron and I went to NY last summer and I realized how woefully hard stairs are for me and how nonexistant those muscle groups are in my body.

Grant is considering a way higher paying job that is almost impractical it's so far away...he'd be driving half an hour to take 2 trains O_O But...it's a $20k a year leap, with a solid company, and the guy is talking about commuting reimbursement and 2k-3k a year raises. Still health care industry, which seems to be the best and most solid for IT down here (digitizing records, having to keep up with new HIPAA laws, and Obama funding). The job Grant has now straight up doesn't pay enough; it's a great work environment and it's a huge blessing that it's close but there's very little opportunity for advancement, no raises, and we're basically just digging ourselves a deeper and deeper hole the longer he stays there. I mean we can barely scrape by with enough side jobs done for other people, but those are inconsistent and it's a stressful situation. We aren't willing to move for the job (we love and own this house, and we love where we live and don't have any desire to live in Ft Lauderdale).

THEN AGAIN, the company Grant works for has acquired land to build this massive huge expansion that's like 3 times the size of the currently existing facility...so maybe he will have room for advancement there if he waits it out. If we can manage to wait it out. We don't even know how long that will be, I mean a year seems conservative and it's not like anybody has even said he can count on it down the line...the dude offering him the far away job is a former supervisor from the job he lost in January, who also left that company they were at together. Grant DOES love listening to audiobooks and NPR and things during a commute (enough that he misses it sometimes, though he says it's outweighed by being home so much more).

Alright, I don't know what today has in store for us...probably Grant and Shaun will build more of Kristin's chicken coop and I'll do more editing and rearranging of my short stories (which will soon be available for e-readers!!!) I think for now I may join Elvis on the bed for a nap. The King has the right idea.

Friday afternoon, Laura and I attended Bob's high school graduation ceremony with our five youngest kids in tow. Grant and Frank were working, A and A were at a friend's house (and the guests per graduate were limited). This was a big deal. Both of us cried at some point. I thought it was hilarious and sort of awesome that while many of the people walking up had a small crowd of adults, Bob got (in addition to Laura and I) five very small people standing on chairs all in a row, screaming and jumping for him.

He wore a cap and gown. He smiled more and more as time went on. I took a lot of video I'm excited about and keep wanting to view, though we keep not having time, and now the video camera battery has to charge again before we can copy the files.

I got him there, dressed and walking, by bribing him with his own batch of peanut butter fudge nobody else was allowed to touch. I made another batch earlier tonight for him to take to his teachers tomorrow (he's still in JobCorp's computer repair trade school and job placement program for 6 months or so...) since he told them about my bribe and they said it must be pretty damn good. This brings my total amount of peanut butter fudge made in the past week to 6 pounds.

Bob and I have had a lot of Seriously Deep Conversations lately. I feel pretty good about all of it.

Ananda and Aaron had such a great weekend that I almost feel jealous of them. No but really, I have been giddily happy for them. They stayed with Cybele (so, with Sophia and Adrian and many other kids passing through the house) from Thursday afternoon until late Saturday night. Friday at Cybele's was the TLC end of the year blowout pool party (TLC being "The Learning Club", the mostly kid organized and totally social homeschool group the 10-17 year old homeschoolers have kept going...) and at least 25 kids showed up.

Anyway Miguel, Cybele's oldest, had downloaded like 13 hours of music. Ananda and Sophia googled a recipe and made a chocolate cake from scratch, that they wrote "TLC" on with M&Ms. Adrian and Aaron went with Cybele to local dollar stores buying out all the glow sticks until they had hundreds. Many laughs about a robber on the roof that was really "that demon tree", a broken hammock that had had 6 teenagers in it, a lot of foosball and dorky references to Harry Potter, LOTR and science things later, the party peaked with all of them covered in glow sticks (chains around waists, glasses, crowns, bracelets and anklets and horns and so on) in the pool in the dark until around midnight. Cybele's pool is right on a canal where all the houses have docks, it's just awesome. She described it to me as "indescribable teenage magic".

The next morning nobody there could eat their breakfast through all the inside jokes referencing things from the night before.

This crush thing I mentioned previously, it's making her all glowy and extra excited but is still so innocent (she wants to shower before things involving him, which is weird and new, but still puts on a baggy tshirt after the shower). I remember GREAT magical times with friends during this transitional period she's at where things are changing...but they haven't really changed too much, yet.

The two of us got out my pregnancy book tonight, from when I was pregnant with her. I haven't looked in it in years. I told her I was one year older than Miguel, just Francois's age, when I was writing it and pregnant with her, which made her eyes bug out.

We have so much easy affection between us right now, it's awesome.

Grant and I took Isaac, Jake and Elise to Naja's birthday Tea on Saturday, and stayed there most of the day. Grant is building Kristin (Naja's mom, our good friend) a chicken coop for pay.

Then Bob stayed with them (he is increasingly capable of things like making everyone beans and rice and then turning on a movie, it's advantageous) and we went with Shaun to the Wynwood Art Walk, and then the Art Center of South Florida and Ghirardeli (sp) before picking up A and A late as heck (pre-approved...they'd only finished dinner on the patio like an hour before).

Today was a lot of cleaning the house in preparation of going out of town. Tomorrow is gonna be whirlwind-busy. I hope this Boca Raton trip is good :)

I got an email from lion brand yarn like I frequently do, and this one had this picture among others:

That struck me as VERY EASY to wing crocheting with no patter and things I have here, so now I'm almost halfway through one for Elise with one for Annie up next. Elise's is a variegated pink to fuschia cotton-kelp yarn (so soft), and I've made the chest start a little higher up and be a bit narrower/shorter in relation to the rest of it. Annie's will be off white and like the picture.

I only get to crochet if we're driving or I'm sitting around in Kristin's kitchen or something. Just like I only get to update this thing if I'm up in the middle of the night AGAIN with an allergy attack.

I have some stress about:
-a good friend in a really bad life situation
-another good friend in a really bad head/emotional space following a life situation change
(with both of those, it's partially that I have real worry for them and partially that conversation with them would normally be a big supplementary part of my social life :/)
-some personal issues re: food, weight, blah blah blah
-my mother
-money, especially as it pertains to a lot of bottle necking expenses with Aaron's birthday and paying on the kids' Youth Symphony camp and this and that

But it's mostly compartmentalized and mixed in with good things. There are a lot of things, every day. Good, bad and in between. I like my life being so full.

Grant and I are still doing very very well and part of not having time for crochet or the internet has to do with free time of any sort being allocated for long baths, trips out or extended time in a locked bedroom with him <3

These days are busy as hell. I'm sleeping at night, which is really new, and means I don't know how in the world I'm supposed to maintain my "internet presence". I mean, I have about half an hour in the mornings where I go through my email, facebook wall, friends' page and tumblr but that's barely enough time to comment/reply the way I want to, let alone offer any content of my own.

Let me tell you about yesterday:

-woke up at 7am, aka Asshole O'Clock, and after stumbling around for a bit, had a pretty rad (I actually used the word rad) sexual encounter with G, before driving him to work

-woke the kids up far earlier than they wanted to be awake (9, I am a slave driver :p)

-Supplement Circus: I washed down probiotics with Emergen-C because I'm feeling like I'm getting a cold. Isaac and Elise take probiotics everyday; he's also taking a stool softener and she also needs fish oil. Breakfast was "scrounge for what you can find"

-returned the director of Elise's (future) preschool's call; got details on how to get the VPK funding, when school starts, when open house will be, their supply fee, vaccine exemptions, etc.

-called the charter school about older kids again; told waiting list results have been pushed back (AGAIN)

-called Greater Miami Youth Symphony's (Homestead Extension) contacts about their summer program availability, pricing, requirements and forms; printed and filled out 2 page forms for 4 different kids, along with scholarship requests and out last tax return. Put all that in a big addressed and stamped manila envelope

-texted Memo back and forth about his sketches, our formatting of the childrens' book, when he'll be back in Portland, taped up our printed and cut manuscript, wrote him a letter with size and distribution and profit sharing info and stuck all THAT in a separate manila envelope, addressed, stamped...

-ran over to MDC's student life dept to get my stupid parking decal and ID and kept not having things (run back out to the van for registration; go wait in line at registration to get a schedule print out...)

-logged into the Virtual School and perused and printed the syllabus and calendar for my online class (The Social Environment)

-worked with Ananda and Elise to get Elise's new Princess Palace ready (she's moved to the big closet as her OWN ROOM since we realized her toddler bed fits in their with lots of space leftover...) It is looking really fabulous and I'll try to get some pictures ready soon, she is so excited about this.

-helped Aaron make soup for everybody's lunch

-worked with Ananda on homework for her writing class

-played phone tag and did some email forwarding so that, finally, the title company that did our home loan will be refunding us unclaimed funds that were supposed to be for debts that no longer appear on our credit report (HUGE help right now...)

-massive insane $455 grocery trip at BJ's (that's at least $600 worth of stuff purchased elsewhere...) pushing one cart, pulling the other, because I refuse to grocery shop more often than bi-weekly anymore and we save tons this way. Back was dead by the time I got everything in the van

-pick up Grant from work, payday advance because we miscalculated something and don't want checks to bounce

-run home to drop off all these groceries; they put things away while I get ready for class

-Class for a couple of hours was highly entertaining and potentially really helpful to my real life, which takes some admitting as it's the stupid Student Life Skills class I have to take since I got put on Academic Probation the last time I dropped courses due to some medical emergency or other

-studying in the courtyard for an hour (my class was dismissed early) or so while I waited for Grant to get back from his CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting and pick me up. Called home and gave everyone school and housework assigments via speakerphone (Bob was home)

-Cooked and ate a late but not too late dinner, made everyone brush their teeth, got Elise her calcium paste (her decay has held steady...I am really hoping these teeth last until they fall out and we don't have to do any extractions)

-Grant and I went for a half hour late night walk

-I gobbled Aleve like a drowning woman for my back pain, along with some 5-HTP, and after some good talking, we collapsed into bed and blacked out together at around midnight.

So yeah. The day before was similar, except it was calls to Miami Children's Hospitals' Orthopedic Clinic about Isaac's broken arm, and a trip to the dentist office, and a call to my gyn about why my IUD check has still not been deposited when I dropped it off almost TWO MONTHS AGO, and going and getting my algebra book from the Kendall campus (which involved like 2 miles of walking in the 95 degree heat) and Annie's Girl Scout meeting where she got her new Cadette vest with all the insignia and patches she earned this year that I need to sew on before their award ceremony at the end of June. Best of all it ended with the third amazing beautiful intense shared bath with Grant in a row...

Tomorrow I have to take all five of them with class supplies for the older four and sleepover gear for the older two, to their enrichment classes and then PATH, where there will be a kid-handoff, and I have class again in the evening.

TODAY it's mainly Goodyear - since they put our drive belts on wrong last week and it's making a racket - fulfilling some promises to various kids (Chinese Checkers, Harry Potter trivia cards, reading more Anne of Green Gables) and then this evening will rock:

1. Writing time at Starbucks!! I've almost got the last short story done, then I'll figure out the order and figure out what to do with this collection ♥

2. Much anticipated trip with Grant to this amazing classy sex store we found. It's got like, clear windows and good lighting and friendly women working the counter and is generally not SKEEVY AND DISGUSTING like the other places around here...they even have toys and lingerie and other such interactive things in separate rooms from porn so you can browse what you're looking for with pretty minimal exposure to XXX pictures of every possible persuasion. Definitely writing positive reviews and Wednesday is 20% off "Ladies Day".

I have a massively huge entry...I mean even by my standards it is just fucking ridiculously long...about Grant and I, that I will be posting whenever I can finish it. Tentatively titled "The Dirt" :p I am still trepidacious or emotionally confused some of the time here. But...I have a lot of real hope for the first time in a long time that I can not just stay married to him but be truly (maybe even sickeningly) happy in the marriage.

I'm really glad I chose the total honesty path instead of continuing to sugar coat until things blew up worse...having everything out in the open has been huge for us, it's such a freeing release to be completely real with each other.

And that's a wrap, because clearly I don't have time to keep sitting here...

Current Music: Adele - Rolling in the Deep

I have suspected something for awhile, but been reluctant to say it until I have more evidence. Evidence is accumulating, though...

I think I'm starting to know how to get places on time.

There is really no way to overstate the impact this could have on my life or how radical a departure from the norm it is. I stopped believing it might one day be possible for me to be punctual LONG ago.

And yet:
-I was on time to my last two counseling appointments
-I dropped the kittens off for their spay and neuter appts on time
-I got all five kids to 4 church services during Holy Week at varying appropriate levels of earliness (ranging from half an hour to an hour and a half early depending on which service, so that we could get seats) - following arriving way early for RCIA the Saturday before Palm Sunday
-Annie has been on time to the last couple of Girl Scout meetings

I was sort of suspecting I was improving as I made the strides over the last year or two such that it stopped being normal for me to be 15-30 minutes+ late for everything, and got more consistently to where I was 5-10 minutes late and anything more was really unusual. I've adjusted my perspective several times over the years; I had to adapt gradually to each new additional child as they were added, and I started budgeting extra time for unknowns awhile back and being more aware of variables like whether we needed gas on the way or whatever. I think one of the clinchers here, silly as it sounds, is that I was still always trying to get everywhere by the time whatever it was started (like aim to get to the church when mass starts or pull up at Dance Empire when class begins) - it honestly never occured to me that you should be aiming for earliness so that you can park, walk through a building, etc...Yes, I realize this is ridiculous. But drilling it into my head has helped enormously.

I felt like some kind of champion last summer in NYC that Aaron and I were waking up ultra early, catching unfamiliar subways, finding stores that had things we needed, and making it to his rehearsals (and a lunch date of mine, and performances) on time. But I thought it might be a fluke related to ONLY having to get him alone out the door, in a small place without much in it (seriously, lost shoes can bite my ass!).

I still have a terrible time organizing and managing my time overall (during the day when punctuality is not an issue, I mean) and I still FORGET things (Annie has been on time to a couple of GS meetings, for example, but she also misses about one a month altogether because I just forget it's that day :/). I'm trying to focus on actually USING - and regularly looking at - the huge tearaway paper calendar we have in the dining room because we really have tons and tons of crap going on in the next couple of weeks...I don't think anyone could balance it all in their mind consistently but that's why people resort to organizational tools, after all. Sheesh.

This all seems like profoundly simplistic and dumb crap for a 29 year old mother of many to be struggling to overcome...yet also like really significant and awesome progress with lifelong challenges.

(Many pictures I've been meaning to post)

Grant and the kids tie dyed their white shirts (everyone got one in their Easter basket).

Afterward, he used bits of the leftover dye, along with water and oil, to get cool effects.

Several nights ago, Isaac pestered and shoved at Aaron until Aaron eventually shoved him back. He landed on his butt, laughing...and then rolled to the side and there was a crack :/ Aaron ran for me in a panic, and when I got there I was ALARMED to see Isaac lying on his side with the shoulder he should have been on top of BEHIND HIM...geez it was horrible. We spent most of the night Wednesday night up at Miami Children's Hospital getting x-rays and exams. It is a break, horizontally and up near the shoulder on the humerus such that the upper arm has to stay right against his body.

(reveling in his stickers and skittles)
Poor Aaron was crying on the front porch with his head in his hands, when we left for the hospital...he totally blames himself, even though Isaac told the ER people himself "I was messing with my bwothew, and pushed him down, and finally he got mad..." *sigh* Luckily he is not in any pain with the sling in place. I have to adjust it A LOT throughout each day though (and he's in it for a month) and he hates the adjustments.

Elise turned FOUR - 4 years old!! - and had a pretty great party. Here she is coveting the vats of icing I made and colored the night before.

This is NOT the cake I wanted/planned to make - many pieces turned out unusable and I was extremely frustrated with what was left. BUT, when she walked out to the kitchen she GASPED and clasped her hands over her heart, with her eyes full of wonder.

So obviously it served it's purpose. And was tasty.

Grant Sr/Opa.

Darrien and Naja. Aaron said, "I don't really think of them as friends, because they're more like family".

And Kristin (my friend, their mom) made Elise this cat family. The mama has a tail in the back :)

Birthday Girl.

Birthday Girl's other best friend (besides Naj), Georgia.

My (one of the twins) niece Patrice is so old, so mature, so different looking.

Isaac with one arm sling'd up in his shirt

I let him decorate his own gluten free cake with dairy free frosting and other ickiness.

Yesterday Jake did something she didn't like to her and she started flinging her hands around in wild gestures exclaiming, "How dare you!! Me no beLIEVE that!" It was pretty awesome. She is definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Last night at one point as Bob and I joked, Ananda rolled her eyes and asked, "Why are grownups so LAME?" <--And so it begins.

I start classes next week. I wrote most of the last short story in my collection tonight. I'm reading Flowers in the Attic (for the first time).

My life is overwhelmingly dominated by marital strife. I love Grant, and he loves me, and we're still talking everyday and doing things together, and trying to do things with the kids/as a family...but everything is...hard. I don't really want to talk about it beyond that, at least not right now. It seems like the only way to do so are either to villify and crap-talk about him, or leave myself open to basically being hated (which is bound to happen regardless, honestly). Neither appeals, so...vague nonsense it is!

I'm really enjoying participating in and moving through Holy Week. Palm Sunday Mass was so, so beautiful (when we got home Grant asked how church was and Aaron piped up, "really good!!" so you know it had to actually be...) We went to the Holy Thursday Mass tonight. Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to an afternoon Stations of the Cross thing and then going to Good Friday Mass by myself later in the evening. All seven of us are going to the Easter Vigil on Saturday night.

Yesterday was my 4th wedding anniversary. I don't know how many of you remember the insane dress debacle that went down with the zipper on my wedding gown but it seemed pretty ironic to me that I found myself freshly showered, moisturized, scented, and struggling and sweating to get a zipper up in my bathroom on the dress I'd decided to wear on our "date night", yesterday afternoon...I took it off to find the spot where it was sticking. I had my brother and Annie help. I ended up laying on the bed, once Grant had gotten home, with him using tools to make it work.

ONE DAY I will manage to get into a nice dress for an occasion with my husband without a team of helpers or any extraneous tools.

We had a great time. We had a delicious amazing off the chain holy shit I die dinner at Texas de Brazil (where they will ALSO send you a "one free meal when you buy the other one" for your anniversary, what-what!), and did some great bargain basement clearance shopping outside of Borders, and then went and walked on, sat on, splashed on, talked on the beach.

While we were there we got to see the beginning of a striking red moon rise and watch a man strip naked and do tai chi in the wind. Then we sat on some hotel's wooden lounge chairs and kissed for awhile. It was nice.

And ended better, back home. I fell asleep hours earlier than normal in a sweaty contented heap. All in all every day should end that way.

Purchased at the bookstore (everying from 1.99-5.99 per item!):

(For Me)
-How to be a Movie Star, an Elizabeth Taylor biography. What? I like biographies, ok!
-The Scalpel and the Soul; The Power of Hope, by a DOCTOR. This is the kind of book I have been looking for - both for my own book's research and personal survival - for a LONG TIME.
-The Forest of Hands and Teeth, on

idiolecto's recommendation, because I trust her taste in everything but ESPECIALLY BOOKS.
-Christ the Lord: The Road to Cana by Anne Rice
(For "Grant")
-She Comes First: the Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
(For Grant)
-The Book of Useless Information - this will be his latest dinner table book, brought out to read from while we're eating, I am sure. It's replacing puns and a double wide "Would You Rather?"
(For Us)
-Sex Deck
(For Everyone)
-Story Cubes

Today was crazy. I woke all the kids up with french toast casserole and bacon. The van needed an oil change and new back brakes. After dropping it off, the kids and I took the free trolley and went and saw Rio, then had a pizza, then picked it up. Except that doesn't capture the route confusion, waiting time in between things, going by the college bookstore only to find it was closed, or walking all around that occured to make it last so many hours. It was still a good, if tiring, day, but it was a lot to lead up to church with all of them, especially since it was just me and "church" involves driving a half hour each way. We were alright, but it was way more stressful than it usually is on a Sunday morning. And this is the first Serious Business day of my period, which made for lots of insteresting near emergencies and bathroom stops.

I think it was a great day for the kids all things told. Lots of alphabet, I Spy and other sorts of word games, lots of teaching moments (in the movie and the Mass), blah blah blah. Elise had never seen a movie in the theater before.

I'm tired.

But I don't sleep anymore. I'm really starting to suspect I'm approaching a point of just NOT SLEEPING AT ALL, EVER. Like last weekend due to various circumstances there were 50 hours during which I slept ONE hour, like right in the middle almost. Grant was talking about reporting me to the authorities as a witch because I still wasn't acting tired :p Really, though, it's nuts. And stupid, because I spend far too much time in a sleepless delirious haze adding to my tumblr queue and reading fanfiction and then I can't function as well as I should be able to during the day. But...I can't give up my time to myself. And I can't stop being a good mother or a wife or whatever. So...I'll sleep when I'm dead?

It's so rare for me to see Aaron really immersed in doing things with his brothes, so this is kind of awesome. Mario drawing contest:

(Girls blowing bubbles)

Uno:

♥

I think we've gotten over a hump and now Isaac and Jake are old/smart/independent enough that they CAN do things Aaron is interested in sometimes.

Off to collapse for like...an hour before Grant wakes me up to go take him to work, and then I come home and take a nap until the kids drag me out of bed and it chores and schoolwork time until Stations of the Cross...maybe then I can nap until Mass once G is home.

This was a really calm and peaceful day which is something I needed a lot.

I slept in, spent a long time on the phone with my Dad. He detailed the pirate memorial they staged with my grandfather's ashes, on his boat down near Key West today. It included things like pouring beer and corn flakes into the water, playing a soundtrack including "Free Bird", "Knocking on Heaven's Door", "Ride Captain Ride" and a lot of Bob Marley. He believes my mother did do some real letting go and that it's what Grandpa would have wanted.

I think my Dad's pretty great. He even took a bunch of napkins out there in a ziploc to hand over when my mother started crying. There was also a (lighthearted) wake-style story-telling session that involved much laughter.

I also found out my "three century man" (as named by the Key West newspaper) great (great-great?) uncle is 114 this year O_O He lives in his own house, the one he was BORN IN, IN 1897, and he drives himself to the store once a week. Apparently we don't know him better because he's "a mean old conch". The only other detail I got is that the first three fingers of both of his hands are stained orange from camel no-filters.

I swept, mopped, vaccumed, watered plants, led the kids in all kinds of chores. My house is feeling like a nice good place to be again. I am really appreciating it immensely lately - the individual spaces that are each so good as well as the amount of space over all.

We did a lot of schoolwork. Aaron is starting on fractions and reviewing graphs and he actually did his work with no trouble today. Did you read that? I still almost can't believe it. He's also got a YouTube account through me, that he's eager to work on, and sits with me and reads about the latest in the nuclear crisis in Japan every day. Annie made sense of number lines and adding decimals. She's nearly done with the last Lord of the Rings book and is reading Artemis Fowl as a "breather" because it's less challenging. Isaac worked on filling in ending consonants, and we talked about sperm and eggs and babies. Jake worked on sorting and matching and more clocks/time. He floored me this morning saying things about how four numbers mean thousands and three numbers mean hundreds - I didn't know he knew that. It came about because my scale does "pounds point partial extra ounces" and he saw the ".6" at the end as a fourth digit and went "YOU WEIGH A THOUSAND POUNDS?!" Elise did pre-handwriting (tracing, coloring), and cooking with me in the kitchen.

Our Dover Sampler for this week came with tons of cool astronomy things I saved to print for reading and coloring. Annie is already psyched, she's on a huge astronomy kick lately.

I also realized today I need to make them Easter baskets and got kind of excited about that.

They make me really happy. I found out Fairchild Farm has a summer (day) camp with scholarships available through the Children's Trust and am applying for the three older kids (it's for 6-10 year olds).

I made chicken and yellow rice for dinner, traded texts with David, read a choose-your-own-adventure robot book with Jake and a lot of Shel Silverstein poems to Aaron, and started a new Anne Rice book. Blood Canticle. I am beyond excited because this one is actually BY LESTAT AS HIMSELF IN FIRST PERSON AGAIN and already in the first 5 pages reads faster and better than the whole entirety of Blackwood Farm ever was.

I'm gonna start the Oz books with the little kids tomorrow night.

I'm at a bit of a frustrated stand still with writing as my files and stored links are mostly on laptops that are being repaired (by Grant, who is very busy). I decided I tonight that I just have to quit waiting for that and work around it as best I can for now, which there are some ways to do.

Also a standstill I've made peace with, with college, as my financial aid has still not gone through but neither has anyone elses' and the "pay by" deadline has been extended universally so getting my appeal processed is not as much of an emergent issue.

Weight loss is not going well. I am sticking with my thyroid/metabolism/energy/kill my yeast support regimen (coconut oil, B-12, probiotics and no or low mercury fish daily), keeping what I eat reasonable and better than normal although not at Eat To Live standards, really, and trying to excercise, but, uh. My stupid ass shin splints that I got in NY last summer still act up really badly if I walk quickly or for long, particularly in the shin attached to the ankle I sprained? So what is that about? I mean walking is supposed to be my fail safe excercise as a person who medically can't do ANYTHING to strain my abs even peripherally (straining to open a jar strains them peripherally, it's ridiculous)...the shin pain gradually amplifies to "debilitating". I think I'm going to try stretching a lot before I leave and wearing my expensive NY New Balance sneakers...because, yeah, I'm an idiot and try to just walk in flip flops like I ALWAYS HAVE THE WHOLE REST OF MY LIFE before I was a super fat person with a bad ankle and shin problems due to the aforementioned time in non-supportive shoes... Those $80 sneakers have really just sat in my closet ever since I got back home many months ago... Now that my nose piercing is totally healed and infection-free I'm going to go back to the Y for swimming again, too.

Grant and I are scarily strained at times, though still seeking each other for comfort. I realized today that though we're counting down for Easter, Elise's birthday, and Ananda and Aaron's birthdays, and planning things for them all the time, we both completely forgot our anniversary is coming up (again) - and sooner than any of that other stuff. Not sure what if anything will be planned...finances could really be better at the moment. On the one hand, we could maybe benefit from some shared one on one that was positive. On the other hand, we've been getting an awful lot of shared one on one time that does not end up positive lately :/ I'm trying to focus on things we both know we're really good at together...for instance, we could stay at a hotel overnight somewhere just a couple of hours away and even if all we do is watch movies, swim in the pool and eat something delicious, hey, that could be worse, right?

I'm hoping to post a bunch of pictures tomorrow.

This is my favorite Shel Silverstein poem:

Rain

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

I saw this awhile back and LOVE. IT. I don't normally like Ted Talks. At all. But this is different, profound and fundamental and I really think it's worth your time to watch.

Current Music: Sucker Punch soundtrack

I'm trying to just be present in the moment.
When it works, during the day/at their bedtime, I'm a really good mother and we have great school and other time.
When it doesn't, during the day/at their bedtime, I'm extremely lonely.

Evenings are a heavy and somber mix of hard talks and hopeful times, with Grant.

Nights involve a lot of up by myself, unable to sleep.

Let me break down things I'm excited about, here:

1. Writing, in three parts -
a. Memo has sent me 8 sketches now for illustrations for my childrens' book, which is finished, and the two of us plan to self-publish together through amazon on demand.
b. My surgery book is half-finished, Nancy is thinking about what she's doing for the forward now as I email another (famous, not my friend) artists back and forth about the logistics of using her art in it, and receive peoples' stories of traumatic surgery (thank you, everyone who has submitted...I am definitely going to get back to everybody and am still open to more). I've got a lot of research to go right now, with citing studies properly and having my information straight.
c. My collection of fictional short stories is almost done - 19 out of 20 are finished and I think it's really good.

2. College, in two parts -
a. Everyone got a "pay by" extension for the summer semester since Miami Dade is slacking on getting the awards handed out, so I have a little more breathing room to have my appeal filed in time, and also got some good advice from the last person I spoke with there.
b. I am thinking more and more that my major is going to be switching to either social work or counseling. This is mildly dissapointing in an unimportant way (I love psych and don't like the image that comes into my mind when I think "social worker") but much more profitable and still in line with the kind of work I actually want to be doing on the day to day.

My house has been much cleaner than usual in a way I'm really enjoying.

I'm seriously wondering if I have a thyroid disorder (hypo), because of how my weight just keeps creeping up and up and up and it's so hard to lose any even when I'm really doing things right. I have almost every symptom and have for some time. I actually perfectly fit the bill for Wilson's Temperature Syndrome but I don't want to be a crazy self-diagnosing hippy...oh wait it's too late to avoid that, isn't it? Anyway I'm looking at natural ways to improve thyroid function because we don't have insurance right now and I don't even want to deal with extra doctors in general. B vitamins and coconut oil are where I'm starting, along with more excercise. It's not like any of that is gonna hurt anything if I'm wrong, and it could really help even if I'm just in the low-normal thyroid range.

I laughed so hard at this website: Calories Burned During Sex".

Also, Tumblr tag searches are highly entertaining. It's like the dumping ground of the entire internet, the ultimate stockpile of every gif and macro and comixed hoozawatsit ever made.

Grant wants me to drop out of RCIA. I don't think that's a good idea. His reason(ing)s are that I'm questioning my faith and not sure how I feel about Catholicism and so I shouldn't be there. My reasoning is that it's something I've wanted for years, and I've come this far, and I don't want to just drop out now because I'm unsure about everything - I still have until May 12 to decide how I feel one way or the other. In the meantime, Mass and RCIA every week is really the only thread my faith life is hanging from, here. I also really like a few of my classmates and my sponsor, and love the community of St Louis. I frequently dread going, but I'm always glad I went afterwards, and it's something I have for myself.

Part of his thought process here is that he'd like to go back to Protestant church of some kind, which I understand (RCIA kind of monopolizes Sunday mornings, especially now that we're down to one vehicle...Mass I could go to Saturday or Sunday nights but not the class itself). But I told him, honestly, that I don't want to ever go back to Protestant church. I mean I wouldn't mind visiting and I don't have anything against Protestants, but I don't want to join or belong to one. I feel like Christianity very obviously leads anyone who digs deeper and keeps learning and yearning for more back to the higher churches, where you see that they've existed since Christ started them 2000 years ago, whereas all these little offshoot branches that broke away a couple hundred years ago have diluted it down to something lacking much of what was originally there.

Aaaaaaaanyway, this has been sitting open forever, so I guess Imma post it now.

P.S. We saw Sucker Punch last night, and it was definitely a super gritty concentration of special effects and false eyelashes. But, it was also a uniquely done comic book style look into mental escapism, mental institutions, abuse and being held against your will. Dissociation in as Big Hollywood a way as possible, I guess, with amazing music. All in all I was entertained throughout.

P.P.S. I've decided I'm naming "my" cat (one of the two kittens we kept) Elvis. This way, I get to say things like "Why is The King in my bathroom sink?", "Elvis has left the building!" and "Aww, aren't you just such a cute furry hunka hunka burning love???" Should he misbehave I get to yell ELVIS PRESLEY!!! Also this way when he eventually dies, we can just pretend he's actually still out there somewhere and it's a conspiracy.

Current Music: Bjork

So I wrote this business yesterday:

This has without a doubt been the hardest and most doubtful year in Grant and I's second relationship (the first being 13-17 years old - this one, that I think of as "the real one" but he thinks of as almost a continuation, starting at about 21).

But I feel really good about us for the past two days.

I feel committed to "us" all the time; sometimes in a fiercely devoted way; sometimes in a sighing, assumptive way; and sometimes in a frustrated and trapped way.

I get grateful for him really often; when I'm out on my own knowing the kids are in good hands, when he's cooked something yummy or let me sleep in or whatever other myriad partnership things that, truly, work very well with the two of us. I also take that all for granted sometimes.

What I get upset about is the in-love husband and wife stuff. I know we can be best friends, and I know we can get through crises galore with ease. I know we can forgive each other just about anything. I get to a point of really longing for a deeper understanding and more sex and a general feeling of being a couple, though. Beyond co-running a home and family or watching movies together. Grant is content to be content while I can't leave well enough alone. I don't always know if I can cope with the kind of day to day that involves a lot of being stuck in a routine and not really tapping into each other intimately or having any real mutual desire. He thinks I have the right viewpoint and that he would rather have it than his, when he steps back to look at his life, so it makes him double-glad to try to cater to what I want: because he ideologically prefers it and because he wants to keep me happy.

It's still sort of weird for me, that he doesn't just naturally as a default want that stuff, and sort of awkward to feel like I'm being catered to. We're ridiculously, painfully honest though and...just getting so many things that were ultra-deep-and-dark into the open has been really helpful. Like "Whoa, could that be enough in the end?" helpful.

I'm all gooey-gushy and amped about us though, feeling really hopeful that maybe we can "have it all", at least sometimes, and that we can get back to it, when it slips away again...there is definitely mutual attraction and some seriously serious love between us, it just all gets mucked up in a ton of baggage and childhood issues and weird repression.

Part of me almost feels like I don't want to say anything, like I don't want to jinx it, but really - fuck that :D

I'm slightly less cavalier about my hesitations to throw myself headlong into anything because I don't want to get rejected. But it does not get much "safer" than this man for somebody scared of vulnerability like I am, this man who swore to his parents that he would marry me when we were 13.

And I wanted to expand on it. I was thinking, as I made salads for Elise and I, and I have been REALLY (and very uncharacteristically) emotionally distant for my whole family, for awhile.

Having my birth plans fail so spectacularly, finding out my baby was in mortal peril inside of me and I had no idea, having to depend on tests and experts to tell me about her, and then being pulled out of my house for a long hospital stay...after which I was locked up in a bedroom for weeks, with kids pounding on the door, hearing Grant lead them away while I cried in my med haze and tried to read books...after which I could no longer lift my baby, EVER...and to this day, I have to come get Bob or wake them up or something, if Jake or Elise are sleeping in the car, because I can't carry them in. I can't even cook something that requires much standing around in the kitchen without having a take-my-breath-away backache.

All this stuff led to me feeling like a serious failure as a mother. It took away tons of the innate confidence I had due to figuring out dyslexia or SID or curing Ananda's stutter at home and teaching her to read...I understand that I am not actually a failure as a mother, but the feeling is still pervasive at times.

Obviously the answer was to spend much of the last year in my bedroom with the door locked, or escaping out on my own or alone with Grant every chance I could get, right? <---sarcasm hand raised.

But really, I acted like a big stupid baby and pulled back from my kids in a big way. Just being emotionally present with them lately in a moment by moment way - like down on the floor playing with blocks, sitting at the table coloring, walking at their pace around the neighborhood - is a totally different thing. I get so much happier, and more excited.

I pulled back with Grant, too, though. That was the only time I've been in the hospital alone (or, later in, alone with my mother). He had to stay with the kids the whole time and I had to understand that. Just in that I think I broke away on some level from the mutual dependency we'd always had. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the degree to which he did not get it, when I got back home and could not sleep.

I was also, as a counterpoint to that, kind of horrified that he took pictures of me with a face full of tubes and stuffed my wounds with gauze. Just as a woman. I projected all kinds of judgements on him in ways that weren't fair.

I was REALLY REALLY hurt, in a way I think I'm only just starting to process, when he (like a falleable human being...I mean come on) got sick of my ptsd while I was really in the thick of it. It really got to the point for a bit where he was angry at the sight of me crying and no longer available for late night wakeups or phone calls when I was having a breakdown, and, well. I think I checked out of our relationship on some other level, as a result. And buried it all away. This is totally understandable, to some degree, on my part, because I was consumed with really awful shit and he was tired of hearing about it...but it's ridiculous in another way because he HAS been there for me through so much and still was totally on board with paying thousands and thousands of dollars for counseling and making it possible for me to go there by myself.

I have some pretty intense abandonment issues, though.

So anyway...yeah...we have always had some sex incompatibility issues and so we'd swing from whoa this is amazing how it just gets better with time and I never even thought of THAT, to ok, something has to give, ugh. But there's no way to work through that kind of thing and feel close and be happy when you're both checked out to some degree. And the sexual rejection starts to feel like overall rejection, when you're feeling rejected overall...

And he has been checked out to some degree, too, we've had some big issues with him thinking I'm gonna die, being afraid of it, bursting into tears about it - just thinking one of these times I won't come back from the hospital. I mean we were just at the ER all night like 3 nights ago. This manifests, with him, in not respecting me at all (at times) and in generally not trusting that he can count on me for anything. It's pretty degrading. He is not a yeller or an insulter, either, but there is an overall attitude that wears me down and he has admitted to when I freak on him about it.

*sigh*

I only figure these things out in big bursts when I feel safe enough and happy enough that the ringmaster who hoardes things in my subconscious lets something else through for processing.

Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.

I have too many things to do to sit here any longer, maybe I'll revisit this later. One big point, though, is that when you do go through something hard and come out the other side stronger for it, as a couple, it is pretty awesome, and also when you hit an upswing with somebody you're that crazy about, it can be a really high upswing :)

Current Music: disco

Yesterday was terrible, and lasted 24 (conscious) hours. Highlights:

-I went to the college FOUR TIMES, speaking to multiple people each time, and STILL don't have everything I need to sorted out. I went to advisement twice, testing once, financial aid three times and registration twice. I took them our tax returns from 2010 and 2009, Grant's W2 and 1099 from this year, and so many forms printed off their website. I was told that I did, didn't, did and didn't have to take the CPT, that the emails I'd received actually said the wrong things, I mean - WTF?!

-As I was running back and forth in and out of my house, my sister was good enough to be here hanging around with my kids. I really appreciate this, as I live only about a mile from the college and so it was quick to keep coming back to print/dig through the fire safe/etc but would have been ridiculous to tote all the kids in and out of the van for each time. BUT, she noticed right away that my hernia was sticking out way more than usual, and was way more noticeable in general, and kept saying I need to get it checked out, need to go to the doctor, etc. I of course realize this is nothing wrong on her part. It's just hard for me to hear, and I knew she was right.

-One of our chickens randomly died of unknown causes. It was Belina, the buff orpington and my favorite. Ananda found her and was grossed out but ok, Aaron and Isaac were fine with it, but Jake (the owner) was very sad for a few minutes and Elise was HYSTERICAL when Grant was removing the body because, we found, she just had no idea what death really meant :/ Her brothers and sisters "die" in video games. So we had to have this horrible talk about the permanency of death, and how it happens to everyone, that made her cry hard. And made me cry. FYI, I have been reading that apparently buff orpingtons sometimes have trouble with heat? It's not summer here yet and she made it through last year but Belina was always noticeably warmer to the touch than all the other chickens, so, who knows...makes me think we shouldn't get more orps like I was kind of planning to, to replace her with.

-I went to the hospital with Grant. We spent about 10 hours there, re-hashing our thoroughly hashed marital strife when we weren't playing hangman, trying not to fall asleep in front of the tv, or worried sick. I had a CT scan and they do think I need to get this business fixed asap, and it is worse, but that it is not an emergency thus far and there is no current blockage or tissue necrosis. Great, but terrible, basically. Also, I got a lovely lecture from the doctor about how I could lose weight by eating smaller portion sizes, or eating more often so I don't feel hungry. Wow, thank you doctor. O_O

Basically it was not fun, or even ok. We got home at like 6 am and I had to take a shower to get all the hospital tape glue and potential MRSA off of me, whilst trying to forget the lovely way my mouth fills with a metallic taste everytime I have an IV flushed (3 times, last night) and the way it makes my previous epidural site go crazy and trigger me into a tightly tense, cold, withdrawn mess.

Today, I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, feeling way more relaxed than I consciously had in what felt like forever.

The weather was perfect. My children were happy to see me. I took just Ananda and Aaron and we returned Annie's library books, ordered a new one she wants from Spellbound Books, and went out to Knaus Berry where Aaron bought cinnamon rolls for the family. Then we went in the back to investigate their U-Pic, since it's something we've never done. I think I'll be taking the little kids, soon. Lots of good conversation while driving :)

Back at the ranch, I escorted the little kids around the block on their various wheels (trike, bike, scooter) and cuddled Elise and explained why she can't nurse today ("Mommy's blood is fully of radioactive contrast fluid today, sweetie"...that's not really what I said). Talked phonics with Isaac.

Grant was miserably depressed and had a headache. I felt guilty for feeling happy. He encouraged me not to, blah blah blah...

Later in the evening, after some grocery shopping just-us-and-Elise, the two of us went and saw "Limitless" and it was pretty good. ALSO, we went on the way and got chinese takeout and drinks and snacks from a CVS, and my (homemade, sugar skull, bottomless pit of a) purse is so big that we put ALL of that in there, and consumed it during the movie.

I am kind of freaking about how my emotional eating might actually kill me sometime soon and how I don't know how to stop it and how it's a downward spiral that makes me ~~want to~~ eat a lot. Grant and my problems also make me ~~want to~~ eat.

On the plus side, Memo...I am tired of taking the time to call him "my old artist friend, the one who does tattoos now"...Memo has sketches done already, for illustrations for my childrens' book, and is telling me I have to wait to see the cover for last, and in general his interest and enthusiasm are contagious and make me feel really excited about the whole thing :)

I'm also hopeful about school, and income a few years down the line, and supplemental income we'll have in the meantime just from financial aid while I'm attending...but I am also seriously bitterly suspicious that just when I get my stuff all worked out and settled in so I can start in good standing...I will be re-hospitalized for who knows how long and screw up my whole record and attendance again and go from "getting off academic probation from the last time the shit hit the fan" to "seriously even more complicated to ever try to go back".

I'm very up in the air about school for the kids, too. I know Elise is going to be going to preschool in the mornings in the fall, because she's insanely excited and got in and can go free and it's super close and well recommended and I think it will be good for her speech. It's just 9-12 am and is mostly playing with other kids, i.e. her favorite activity on earth. Ananda and Aaron will be taking a writing and a science class, respectively, offered via PATH enrichment over a 6 week period, starting in May. Other than that? BAH.

Let me tell you a couple of things that have happened:
A and A conquered their biggest worry-me hurdles on their own. She writes willingly now, and he socializes constantly. They really reassured me that homeschoolers allowed to do their own thing generally progress just fine, and that if you don't turn everything into a battle or force it, kids will move forward because they want to, which is so much better. I am scared to lose that with school. I was thinking of how if Annie had been in school all day, busy with school things, and being forced to write a lot of stuff she didn't want to, she (likely) never would have come up with a whole big long story in her head, or had the (time/energy)resources or desire to painstakingly record it all...likewise if Aaron had been surrounded by other kids, possibly getting picked on, at his most awkward, I am not sure he would have found his way so happily into a crowd by now.

Also, Ananda is pouring over astronomy books and websites constantly lately, anytime she isn't reading pretty advanced fiction (like the Lord of the Rings trilogy). She tells me things I didn't know constantly. She searches out constellations and is asking for a telescope. She's saying she wants to be a chef and/or an astronomer. I just love it. This is another one of those things, those "child-led learning" things that come from kids not having their natural love of learning destroyed by a lot of worksheets, waiting and moving onto the next subject when they're really into something they aren't anywhere near done with yet.

The various crises in Japan have really sparked Aaron's interest. We spent almost 2 hours straight the other night watching videos, drawing diagrams and pouring over articles together, until my brain was nearly dripping out of my ears - but he kept pace with me every step of the way, and now both of us understand atomic structure, molecular structure, fusion, fission, how a nuclear bomb detonates and what happens afterward, how nuclear power is generated, half lives, radioactive decay, radiation sickness, and so much more. This has continued to be built on every day, and has led into study of things like Chernobyl, Turkey Point (our local nuclear power plant), coal burning plants, alternative energy - it just never ends. I love learning like this.

I really believe that in one evening he learned more than most kids do in all of elementary school science, and that it will stick better because he was really into it, having a one on one conversation and struggling to understand with his whole focus the entire time.

I don't want to lose, or limit this. Grant and I are talking a lot about him supporting and helping with me going to school while keeping them home (something he is fully on board for - Grant REALLY wants them homeschooled, I am the one who wanted to send them because I wanted to have that huge chunk of independence in my own life...which I still kind of do. Grappling, like I said). I'm still waiting to see whether they got into the charter school, but more and more I am just grossed out by the whole issue and kind of amazed by how well they do just as they are. even when we "aren't doing much" they are CONSTANTLY learning.

I am also tossing around "just giving it a semester", "just giving it a year", and sending the little kids but keeping the big ones home. I still think the cultural experience of attending school is valuable. Just not sure if it's any more so than the greatness that is never having been to school. Still think structure and schedules can be important. *shrug* I found out if they got in at the end of next month, it could all be a moot point I suppose.

Slightly off-topic: Ananda and Aaron had another epic sleepover up at Cybele's, and LOVED IT and came home ultra-excited and can't wait to go back next weekend. Cybele has a house on a big canal (full of manatees) up in the Gables, with a pool and canoes docked there, and a dog and cat, and a vegetarian daughter for Annie and a juggling son for Aaron. They went and met like 10 other PATH kids to see Rango the first day, and did some charitable ice cream event on Sunday, and generally just have a blast.

We decided, at the end of a neverendingly long decision process, to re-home Chrysanthemum and keep 2 kittens in her stead. We just don't have the resources to own so many cats, at least not with any level of responsibility, and 1. we are much more emotionally attached to the kittens, as well as 2. a pure bread, $500 maine coon is much easier to find a home for than a mixed breed, "run of the mill" cat. I submitted her case to a maine coon rescue organization and sure enough, she was wanted by someone within 2 days.

I felt way more sad than I expected to when I dropped her off. And now I am unduly irritated by how the new owner (in emails I keep getting copied on) has already re-named her "Isabella" and is calling her Bella. Grumblegrumble...

We are tentatively planning for me to get my stomach fixed in 5-ish months. That's when Grant's new job will be offering him health insurance. There's no guarantee we can get all or even some of my junk covered, but we can't try until we have coverage in place. I'm also going to be looking at the college schedule and all that. We can get a loan or something if we have to...but I think having a date in mind for when go-time is will help me to lose weight. As it's been not knowing has made it seem so open ended and like I can get around to buckling down in a vague and hazy future that'll eventually arrive.

...or having a date will cause me to raid the fridge late at night out of terror of going back into major surgery. We'll see, won't we?

I have counseling again on Friday. I think Grant is going back Thursday.

Aaron: Mom, if we knew the things to make little firecrackers, would you make them with me?
Me: Sure.
Aaron: First I thought about tiny nuclear bombs but then I realized, no way, that's just too powerful.

Also: Ananda recently made these Nutella Cheesecake Gooey Cakebars. They are something to behold.

And, I never got around to posting this here, but man I love it. We all piled in this little photobooth at the bowling alley :D

In total contrast, look at these two beautiful children totally peaceful:

And in total contrast to how identical they look, look at this old shot...6 years ago, I suppose:

Crazy stuff. I will never quite grasp how that happened :p

Anyway, back to recent shots - when we were in Lakeland Elise picked out a "princess kit" she wanted, and she REALLY, REALLY LOVED IT.

Somebody traded some arcade tickets for this. It's like this concept was designed with Jake in mind, I think...

He was in his carseat and Grant was pretending to not know who he was or where Jake actually went, and Jake said, "Dad, it's just me in a disguise!" It was really funny.

TOO TIRED TO CONTINUE ENTRY.

Current Music: Dido

The biggest thing going on in my life is marital strife...basically, I have the best husband in the world and am an ungrateful bitch.

It's not quite exactly like that, but it sort of feels like it. Basically I've been having a very hard time for between 2 weeks and a year and a half (depending on which particular issue) with various issues. They're issues that feel sort of irreconcilable to me, in that they are nothing new - they're things I understood when I agreed to marry Grant that have always been as they are. So, it seems unfair and sort of irrational to suddenly find them impossible or act as though they're deal breakers... I was hoping my hard time would pass, but instead it's intensified.

I thought awhile back about how a lot of my happiness - a codependent, dysfunctional level of it - comes (or does not come) directly from my marriage, so I started making more of an effort to have friends and a social life and step up my spiritual life, too, as a way to balance that and hopefully be more fulfilled in general...I've been doing way more talking on the phone, facebook chatting, visits in and out with others and of course attending RCIA on my own, over the past many months.

Then before New Years I had my personal crisis about how I'm not happy, I'm restless, I have little to show out of the last couple of years but survival and have slacked off as a mother, etc - so I've been working on all these personal things - registering for college and financial aid for college, taking the placement exam, meeting with advisement, querying agents, taking more time to write, getting an artist friend to illustrate my children's book and dieting, excercising...my thoughts have gone that, 1., maybe I would be happier in my relationship if I was happier in general, and, 2. maybe I could deal more easily with being unhappy in my relationship, if I had more other things that made me happy. Also been working on the mother part, making sure to really attend to my top priority kind of stuff (being emotionally present with them, finding time to talk one on one with everybody regularly, remembering their Love Languages - that seems hokey as hell but there is really something to it, and the adult version). My unconscious assumptive sort of plan has been to do better for/with them, publish something, lose weight, get close to God and involved at church, attend classes, and then re-evaluate.

But Grant has known something was up for long enough that it's been causing him to act erratic and (seemingly) paranoid. I was really freaked by his fearful attitude and weird suspicions for a long time (like 6 months+) because I was really in denial about my own (bad) feelings. For the last two or so months, I've had more of a grip on myself and thus more of an idea of what he was picking up on, and that has been hard to deal with. Anyway, long story short, it's been making him nuts knowing I am hiding things (thoughts/feelings...it's not like I'm cheating or planning to leave). He's asked so often as I've come to be more honest with myself and my feelings have intensified that I was starting to feel really dishonest, and anyway, I ended up telling him everything in a tearful sobbing hysteria over the past week. That's right, I've been frequently sobbing and hysterical the entire week, as we go through many a tedious and gut wrenching 2 hour long conversation. It's...exhausting.

There is just something extremely terrifying about possibly dropping an atom bomb on your entire life. It's much less "real" to keep your crazy thoughts in your own crazy head. Which is a big part of why I took so long to reveal my crazy thoughts. Also, I didn't want to hurt Grant, and also-also, I kept waiting for this to pass or trying to figure out to what degree it's just part of my general questioning of everything in my life (faith, homeschooling, etc) or PTSD or no more babies or whatever. I'm in a generally transitional period of mental upheaval. Overblown as that sounds. Basically, I didn't (don't) want to do irreparable damage to something precious to me.

But, it is a Serious Cardinal Sin within Grant and my established set of relationship guidelines, to keep secrets. So just the fact that I was hiding anything for a significant period of time poses major trust issues for him...he is feeling really betrayed :/ And now that it's all out in the open, and he wants to know what I'm thinking/feeling that much more often, and with a much more justified and urgent sense of concern, it is REALLY STRESSFUL for me to know that my cyclical thoughts and feelings are most likely going to keep cycling for now...I mean I feel like I have to keep some kind of vice lock on my brain around him lest I reveal more hurt and scariness to this poor man who is really, really freaked. I mean the things I'm upset about are valid things I think a lot of people would be upset about, except that, as I said, they're things I understood and accepted as part of the deal from the get-go...he wants to change anyway.

We're both going to a counselor individually - same guy for us both - and we may do some sessions together but for now we both think we need more individual. I also went and talked to a priest (as well as some of my friends).

Anyway, my prioritized list of preferences/options for how this is gonna go down basically goes like this:

(optimal)
Grant and I can be happy together.

(dealable)
Grant and I can be content and satisfied together.

(sucky)
Grant and I stay together miserable.

(I feel like I should clarify that this is, to some degree, hyperbole...because even right now we manage to laugh at times, and to hug...but I think you know what I mean)

Because, really, I am not willing to break up this family. Even if I was, it's not a financial option on any level. Even if both of those things weren't true, I can't really imagine my life without Grant in it and I keep thinking that I must be delusional here, in general.

I've found myself obsessed with the idea of plants. Plants as a metaphor for something alive and thriving. Plants brought into the house showing that our house is still developing and being improved. Plants not dead because I nurture them and am not failing, at having plants. I broke down in Lowe's thinking how we can't afford more plants, and how they are one more thing I've failed at (in the past), then waited until we basically could afford some, and got a bunch (of cheap ones). And replanted them in things we already had and now I walk around looking at them feeling happier, a lot. A lot a lot. And plot more plants I can eventually get. It's sort of pathetic but sort of just helpful and hopeful. My brother keeps raising one eyebrow about how green and leafy the place is getting.

I think Grant might be feeling similarly, as he obsessively plans, maps and shops for a garden.

More later...this didn't turn out as riff raffy or bric a braky as I anticipated, just got too long...

Bob: Where can I put this (cannister of pringles), so Grant won't forget it in the morning?
Me: Nowhere. He will forget it.
Bob: lol
Me: I'm being serious. If you want to make sure he takes something, I usually put it under his wallet or tape it to the front door, but neither of those strategies is guaranteed.

The other morning I walked around looking at the lunch he'd left in the fridge, and the iPod he'd loaded with music but then left, and his bathroom disarray. I sent him an amused email saying that while I can walk around and laugh lovingly about my absent minded husband, I think if he were anyone else I'd assume he'd been abducted while in the middle of getting ready for work and call the police.

I got a lot of nothing done today. Meaning I accomplished most everything on my to-do list but none of it amounted to anything.

-I swept as I often do and mopped for the first time in forever, but the floor is already messed up again
-I made phone calls I've been needing to, but just left messages and got lackluster results
-Went to take the CPT with Laura in place to babysit only to find the testing hours I'd double checked were actually only for all the other campuses

I cried a lot. About my faith issues and my marriage issues. And felt better about both, and then worse, and then better again. Grant is more than willing to talk/cry with me. This is best when it merges into ultra-lovey sex.

I have an appt on Friday, with the therapist he started seeing on Saturday.
And a study guide, for the CPT, so maybe I can brush up some math skills (HAHA) before I take it.

I'm eating WAY TOO MUCH as a coping technique and keep thinking I have to stop that immediately. Burying the gonna-puke anxiety feeling is not working; I just add indigestion. Then eat more.

Hopefully I'm gonna go to bed now, and actually be able to sleep. Because today, I really can't tell what is really my thoughts and makes sense, and what is just sleep deprivation because last night, I just hurt too much to sleep.

I've spent this whole day:

-cuddling, rocking, soothe-talking and nursing Elise, who has a terrible cold. It's been sweet, she's a little glassy eyed slow motion version of herself and I make it all better, which is nice.

-looking at tsunami videos, educating on layers of the earth, calming fears about nuclear reactors and the end of the world in 2012 (THANKS BOB, THANKS SO MUCH) and debating philosophies on how to go about our every day business while ALL THIS HAPPENS TO SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE, with Aaron (Annie covers her hands with her ears and asks us to please, please stop talking about it, everytime she hears another detail). Overall I'm very proud of everything about him and relatively satisfied with how our conversations conclude.

-lying face to face in Serious Talk or driving and grocery shopping and laughing about the serious talking, with Grant. One quote of his from tonight goes, "I really really hope today was the last time us attempting to have sex ends in us crying. That would be great." We laughed uproarously about that, which has to count for something... He has a counseling appointment tomorrow at 11. It's the first time he's ever gone to counseling either voluntarily, or as an adult (he was forced into it as a teenager). He found the guy online and emailed him from his job. It's a stretch to afford even with the sliding scale but G himself said he's at a point where we have to prioritize it - we'll see how it goes.

Intermissions from these activities included:

-a really great, long shower. I had went way too long with a shower, really people I realized I didn't know when I last took one, though I was certain it was prior to Sunday based on when I painted my nails last and how I quantify polish lasting. I've went swimming multiple times though? DON'T JUDGE ME! :p My hair was basically wild multi-chlorinated dreadlocks, which is...cool....in a way...... anyway yeah I've been revelling in this foreign feeling of cleanness and smooth-shaven legs and armpits and freshly moisturized face skin and super conditioned hair ever since. This is how the other half lives!! rofl

-cooking and eating a great dinner - french dip (roast beef sandwiches on crusty bread, dipped in au jus broth stuff) that I had butter sauteed portabello strips to go with.

-long, sweet rum and coke binge. Now I'm all warm and tingly from rum. And my rum is gone so it's finally time to go hunt down Jess's recommendation for my next rum purchase. Grant was choking down big swigs of my drink on who the hell knows what whim and was completely choking and horrified at the end every time, and then calling me a drunk, aghast, as he watched me chug it like it was a milkshake or something. I'm DESCENDED FROM PIRATES, OK?!

I really, really appreciate every comment and also, perhaps especially, the long email replies I got from a few of you, following my last entry...thank you, and I will be replying to you all individually. I just haven't started yet, as I know it will take me awhile to do you all justice. It's an amazing thing, when I really feel the love from people who come and read this rambling of mine ♥

Just got back from a 4 day/3 night camping trip at Peace River Campground in Arcadia. It was our second time there and we got a really inferior spot (smaller, more RVs close around us, could hear the highway at night) that had a redeeming factor or two (could see the bathrooms from the tent, so that was really convenient with all the kids - and the camp store was super close, too). It was somewhat neutral as camping experiences go.

Pros:
-the canoe trip was amazing...I had the boys, Grant had the girls, and we stayed within sight of each other. Did the 8 mile/5 hour one this time - they take you in a rickety old spray painted school bus up the river, drop you in and you canoe back. Halfway, you can pull the canoes up on shore and there are clearings and picnic tables and bathrooms and things. We spotted tons of turtles, big great birds, alligators and fish jumping. Isaac did well, which was a pleasant surprise (he hates water). I would do this or something similar every week if I could.
-Took a hike through the woods that was pretty good - found a pond, kids spotted a LIVE armadillo (they are usually dead if you spot one), this and that.
-Grant made AMAZING burgers one night on the grill. I mean...whoa.
-He also does a great job being the one to load up the van, put up a tent (in the dark!), do most of the outdoor cooking, build fires, etc - it's not something I can even imagine attempting with five kids by myself.
-I like sitting around campfires at night.
-Aaron made some friends who had ATVs and golf carts and things and they took him around and he had a great time.
-A and A independently collaborated (their idea, their execution) on a camping journal they kept passing back and forth.
-Elise LOVED every minute of it SO MUCH and just...she was over the moon about it. So so happy to be there every second, it was really great and infectious.

Cons:
-It was too damn cold at night (I can't sleep in 40 degree weather, not even in two layers on an electric blanket with little hot hands packs).
-Grant and I bickered too much at the beginning and had too much Deep Serious Horrible Talking at the end. This has mostly been turned around in the last 24 hours home, partially because of an amazing 2 hour co-bubble bath we took last night.
-Because I FELT FILTHY by the end of this trip. I hate the grittiness and smokiness of camping after a couple of days, even though I keep loving everything else. It's hard having everything seven people need, clothes-and-bedding wise, in a tent and a van - everything ends up crumpled and mixed up and you have to go digging anytime you want anything and it gets to where you're shaking leaves out of your underwear before you put them on.
-Elise had her first, and I had my millionth, encounter with fire ants.

I don't think any of the children wanted to come home, but it's been nice to be back. We're talking about going to another place next time now that we understand that it's not this place in particular so much as the specific spot we got there, last time, that is so wonderful. I'd like a tent camping place without so many freakin' RVs, that still has electrical outlets available.

Hopefully there will be pictures soon.

Grant got a job. He actually had to choose between a couple - the one he decided on will be IT for an in-patient facility that houses/diagnoses criminally insane teenagers...and/or those trying to plead insanity to get out of harsher charges. It's a DCF funded international corporation and seems to have a lot of advancement opportunities as a state job. I'm really hoping it's not some awful place where we're not gonna be comfortable with some of what they're doing... they are maximum security, like if he loses a screw driver the whole place will go on lockdown til they find it. It's LOCAL which is AMAZING...no more commute! And daytime hours. The money is not quite where it needs to be but allows way more time for side work than he is used to having. The job he is not taking was also local and paid more but didn't offer the same security (really high staff turnover) and would have taken him out of IT and put him more in marketing, which is really not his thing.

I can definitely confirm, after forgetting to take it during day 1 this month and being like WHOA again, that the Aleve for decreased bleeding during my period definitely makes a big difference. This is not like the near-death sort of period I had while Dama was in town, but it is definitely way more than my last couple have been since I started the profilactic naproxen.

I'm seriously thinking I'm gonna get a personalized (drawn by my friend Memo) sugar skull tattoo on the top of my right foot.

But for now, I'm getting out of the house with G while the kids eat pizza and watch a movie with my brother.

Last night, Grant and I played 20 Questions as we got into bed. This is because he got the ingenius idea (sarcasm hand is raised) to use "grass clippings" as his answer and so we obviously had to get on that right away. Then he actually had the nerve to tell me anyone with logical thinking skills could guess anything in 20 Questions, so I challenged him AND WON, with the answer "hair chopsticks". At some point in one of the 10 minute lulls between his questions I told him he needed to get on with it because "I'd like to have time to involve myself with your penis". It occured to me soon after (in the continuing dark silence) that probably this isn't the kind of come on most women would use.

What can I say, I'm direct.

We went to Mass all together today and I think it was a great success on every level:
-we got there early and got good seats
-the kids were really good AND INTERESTED the entire time
-they played one of Grant's favorite songs
-it is just so satisfying and right to feel that we're worshipping again
-papers with our names were left in the rotunda by the CCD lady so we can set up an appt

( On to a million pictures )

I haven't been at the computer much over the last few days.

Wednesday and Thursday my sister was over for many many hours. We took walks with all the kids (WE HAVE SEVEN KIDS! My SISTER AND I have SEVEN kids), cooked/ate, looked at silly crap on the internet, laughed, talked excessively and eventually sat everyone under 12 down with a movie while continuing to cook, eat, look at silly crap on the internet, laugh and talk excessively.

Great things happen when we get together - dark chocolate with candied orange peel, for instance.

FRIDAY I get up, I open the freezer, I say rhetorically to nobody "Where is my coconut mango ice cream?" and Elise goes "Mom!! C'mere!!" I followed her to my bedroom, where she reached down under the seat of her miniature fluffly upholstered pink chair and grabs it. Closed, SEALED, and room temperature. "Me hide!!" she told me joyously.

I was not joyous.

Friday we ran into my friend Melissa in the grocery store while passing out fliers for our book fair under the guise of shopping. Also, the free cookie lady at the bakery asked me, "Do you have a sister who looks, like, exactly like you but has half as many kids?" "Uh", I answered, "I do have a sister, though neither of us think we look anything alike, but she DOES have two kids -" "Yeah, and she carries the baby girl in the front thing that ties around the back?" "FINE, yes, that's us. GOSH!"

That evening, my friend Kristin brought her kids Darian and Naja over to hang out while she went and did henna at some Indian gathering. I mystery shopped us all free pizza for dinner. It is not fun trying to keep seven children and two teenagers at bay while you photograph some pizzas that just got delivered a bunch of different ways and fill out forms, but whatevs.

Two teenagers because Robby called and asked, "Hey can I spend the night?" "Sure", I answered, "but Kristin and Darian and Naja are so you may end up somewhere bizarre or possibly even substandard".

K, D and N were spending the night to help facilitate Kristin getting up to help with a hot air balloon launch in the early AM. These are the kinds of ways she supports herself - henna and hot air balloons. Belly casts. Belly dancing classes (back in the day). She's also a La Leche League leader and an organizer of large community events.

DID I MENTION SHE BOUGHT A PLANE TICKET AND IS COMING TO NYC TO STAY IN OUR APARTMENT FOR 3 DAYS WHILE WE'RE THERE? SO EXCITED!!!

Grant: I don't know if it's a good idea for Kristin to come.
Me: What? Why?
Him: She could be a bad influence.
Me: What the hell do you think I'm gonna do?
Him: Spend money.
Me: ...oh. That. Yeah, that could happen.
Him. Uh-huh.
Me: Well, Kristin is like, thrift store queen. We'd be going to thrift stores.
Him: *mimicking* IMAGINE how much money I could SAVE in a THRIFT STORE!!!
Me: ROTFLMAO

*flash forward to Kristin raving like a madwoman on my round spinny chair, with two fistfuls of cash, about how she's taking an empty suitcase with her because of the fabric stores she's heard about in the garment district*

I can deal with it. She gave me a couple of twenties off the stack for babysitting, as well as bringing home a large quantity of authentic homemade indian food from her gathering.

When she got back with all that, I was baking 8 pans of brownies for the book fair. We stood around in the kitchen with Robby - skinny, towering over us in his 15 year old flamboyant glory - laughing and stuffing our faces for an hour or two. This ended with me putting a note on my oven door, where it was all stored:

"If you turn this on, or open it AT ALL, I will kill you in the night while you sleep. Serious business. Love, Tina/Mom :)"

The book fair went pretty well. Gloria came and hung out with me all day, and I hadn't really talked with Dennise (store owner) for a long time (it used to be a very regular thing). I did not make very much money - like $40 for us? - BUT. I made a connection and now have an appt on Monday afternoon with some people who run a local Migrant Children's Association, to see about them buying books for the kids through funding from The Children's Trust, so that could be big stuff. Dennise is also letting me "Tag along" and set up an Usborne table at a Monstessori School fair she's been invited to in December. And, $40 to hang out with Ananda, Gloria, Dennise and Robby all afternoon could really be worse. Grant brought the other kids for a little while, Laura made an appearance with her kids, and eventually "the bookstore kids" were there for Annie to socialize with. Robby, Ananda and Aaron walked down to an art gallery as we were closing up and the guy there was apparently super eager to give them a tour and let them paper mache and all kinds of hoohaw. Gloria and I took the three of them over to the sub shop afterwards, where they made us want to die with a neverending stream of Annoying Orange reenactments.

I am having a hard time since I got home. My husband works ALL. THE. TIME. during the week now. We talk almost only by phone, email and facebook chat through the week (hi, libido of doom - it's just you and me!). If I DON'T stay up until 4 am, I won't see him that day :/ There are 2-3 day stretches when he literally never glimpses the children awake. I appreciate his hard and neverending work immensely and tell him so frequently. Also the times when during his brief stop in he changes two light bulbs and the AC filter and cleans a bathroom. So the weekend comes and I'm like a love-starved, attention craving junkie...and he is like somebody who really, REALLY wants to veg out and play Street Fighter all day and into the night. I try to give him a lot of space and time and be understanding. I feel irritating when I'm rubbing on him lovingly, though he assures me I'm not, and smothering when I try to pry him away from ~~that fucking ga~~ the game.

I have major negative associations with guys sitting around playing video games. Childhood stepdad issues. Not interested. *sigh*

Other than all that:
-cleaning frenzies
-prayer
-fanfiction
-dressing dolls with Elise, and worrying about how much I'll miss her and how my breasts will explode while I'm gone and how I want her to understand I'm coming back once 4-5 days have passed, with nothing but phone calls and emailed pictures
-Isaac's building wooden block pirate ships and lego submarines and performing shows with them - being happy that him and Jake are SO THRILLED that I'm leaving and they get to play with Daddy and all sleep together in one room for a WHOLE WEEK...I am so ~~HOOKED. UP.~~blessed to have a man that's easy to trust implicitly not just to keep them alive but to really treat them well and do it right when I'm away
-reading Ananda Schooled and worrying about how she is acting very clingy and sad-in-advance about me leaving for a week - I'm devising a plan to help her, including mailing her letters right before I leave so she gets them while I'm gone, and giving Grant a week's worth of notes from me to stick in her love letter pillow each night
-trying TO NO FREAKING AVAIL to pull our sleep/wake schedules earlier and earlier because with JUMP and girl scout camp and VBS, it's about to get really hard all of a sudden if nobody can wake up in the MORNING
-my cat caught a mouse in my house, which means there WAS A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE. Then it got away, which meant there was STILL A MOUSE IN MY HOUSE. Today Grant went to put on his unusually stinky shoe and found it wouldn't slip right on like usual because...it had a dead mouse in it. Because Chrysanthemum really does love him best of all o_O

Current Music: La Roux - Bulletproof

( Long post, photos throughout, mildly Elise-centric )

For those of you waiting on an Andrea update, I don't have one. The last thing that was posted on facebook, I posted on the previous comment thread. As soon as I know something, I will relay it.

Today was mostly amazing. Some wake up stress, rushing rushing because Ananda and Aaron had a FIVE HOUR LONG tech rehearsal to be dropped off at, wherein Dance Empire was running through the whole recital. BUT THEN!

+I worked on and got amped about my surgery book.
+Wrote a short story I'm REALLY happy with - I have been riding a wave ever since I got done writing today :D My high school AP english teacher, of all people, has submitted his email address to me and I'm looking forward to sending him some things to see what he says - he has very scathing and honest critiques but also recognizes quality (we're facebook friends)
+Grant cleared out the front planter I have happy plans for. After doing some container gardening work on the deck yesterday I'm feeling really good about all of this. Basil, chard and surprise shasta daisies for Ananda's birthday all planted, dessert rose and gardenia transplanted, and as much sand as we want from the neighbor's mountain of it to supplement...I'm going to be baking them a thank you :)
+We dropped off the little kids at Opa's (and they had a blast)
+Grant and I took the kayak out on the lake by my sister's house, and it was wonderful ♥
+Laura gave me tons of garden fresh tomatoes and basil, again with the ♥
+A and A were picked up, came to Publix with us, lots of laughing and they acted like rehearsal was have fun, got small children,
+and dinner took awhile but was THE BOMB. Seriously, wowza, yum.
+Brownies for dessert.
+Shaun was over and loved the food. I'm emailing him said short story to read while bored at work tomorrow. Kids were psyched to see him.
+Made the old, hispanic cashier at Walgreens drop his front and laugh until he nearly died after some extremely flamboyant drag queens paid and went. He was avoiding eye contact at all costs and trying so hard to be professional, and I just shrugged and said "Nosotros cerca de Miami" (we're close to Miami) and he lost it. Like, beating the counter with his palms and tears rolling down his face lost it. Eventually he said "No commienta" (no comment). We were the only ones in the store and he really had the air of someone who has just never encountered someone who is 7 feet tall counting the platform shoes and who's men's underwear is actually showing below the hem of their cocktail dress.

-Grant seems to be getting the stomach virus :/
-we watched Boys Don't Cry tonight and I really wish I hadn't seen it. I feel like I just spent 2 hours cramming as much mud and poison into my brain as I possibly could, and now it's time to go to sleep!! Was there a single two minute period in that movie where nobody was intoxicated and hateful? How many trailer trash antics and graphic violent fight scenes can we cram into one film? I understand the agenda, but I'M ALREADY ON BOARD and sheesh, I am too effected by life in general to deal with crap like that. Also, for me, the contrasting happy moments or love story were too awash in weird hopeless ignorant dysfunction (I mean lies, lack of realism like "I'll make a living singing karaoke, and you can be my manager!", stealing cars, running from the cops and ditching court dates, along with little kids exposed to traumatizing bs and drunken mothers laid out keeping their kids trapped) for me to be exactly "swept away" by the beauty and hope. Yes, the female love interest did redeem herself to some degree by having an unconditional acceptance that set her apart when everyone else went BATSHIT INSANE, but I can't relate to the dreamy flashback of her sullenly staring in a dirty alley, blowing smoke, and think, "she *is* captivating!!!" Especially when she's the third chick he's zeroed in on in like 24 hours at that point, and he's just met her in a group of drunken assholes. Perhaps I'm too idealistic here but it's just depressing that anything about that movie encompasses real life for anyone in this country, homo- and transphobia being just one part of a shitty hopeless whole.

Current Music: Lulu and the Lampshades - Feet to the Sky

Grant has returned and now my entire existance is sunshine and rainbows.

Except that I am totally not kidding at all. Ridiculous cliches like "Now I am complete" keep spontaneously occuring to me. I have grinned for like 20 hours straight.

I opened the door with a slow smile when I realized he was watching me watch him through the window. Kisses. Hugs. He was in the door less than 5 minutes when Aaron called that there was vomit on his mattress that he hadn't told me about (I assumed it all got on the fitted sheet -what?) and Grant was scrubbing it off. They hugged him. He went and said hi to sleeping Elise because I'd promised her I'd send him in to do that as soon as he arrived. Talking and talking and looking at pictures and kisses and hugs. Remembering things. He smelled weird, like campfires and hotel shampoo. I smelled weird, like sickness and unusual things cooked. I showed him some links I'd saved up - LOST audition tapes, maps of the oil spill vs the loop current, this and that. He posted his 365. We layed down and I was instantly blacking out from the sweetness of his arms, but he made me wake up all the way, for really awesome sex, which was really awesome. Then I blacked out. Middle of the night dozing in and out and running my legs along his; rolling in different ways; his little "Mmmhmm" noises when he isn't even conscious and I nuzzle in closer.

I woke up with Elise ecstatic to see him and Jake tucked in his armpit. I woke up again awhile later with the bed to myself and my household not in some kind of mom-bothering uproar because some OTHER ADULT was taking care of things. I wandered out and cooked spaghetti for lunch; he had a slight headache, and had to take some of Shaun's things to him. But so many little moments holding hands in the kitchen; moving in for a smiling kiss; doing my cat-like whole body wave rub against his side as he passed.

He brought out all the different river, mine and mountain rocks he'd brought home, and the kids all had a pile to stack around the dining table. Grant is big into rock balancing and they are eager to emulate. After awhile they blew up this huge inflatable water shooting ball sprinkler...thing...my mil (Teresa) gave Elise for her birthday and all played in it for bit. Then he went, with Aaron as I layed down to nurse Elise and we both had a mini-nap.

He got back with Aaron, and we put on a movie for the kids, and had more awesome sex, and then a nice long leisurely nap with only a few ~~too many~~ interruptions o_O

Got up and had a horrible moment realizing all the pics he took with the little camera had been erased, probably by Elise tampering around or something while we were asleep :/ About 100 out of the 1000+ he took, but still. Included a short waterfall video, and his ditl plans. Recovery program failed. He got over it as I played Tic Tac Toe with Isaac and went to see Aaron's hypnotized chicken (it is crazy how easily chickens are hypnotized).

We took Jake and Elise and went to BJ's while the others stayed behind with Bob. Shopped, laughed, talked trip details, went through Starbucks. My frappuccino took a couple of minutes and so they GAVE ME A COUPON FOR A FREE DRINK NEXT TIME. You see this? Grant comes home and now I'm getting free Starbucks ♥ (appallingly not kidding am I)

He and the kids brought in the groceries; Bob did dishes; I put away groceries; Grant made dinner. And it's just...happiness. From the holding-me-down-and-trying-to-tickle-me shrieking laughfest on the bed to having someone to tell the little kids a story while I read to A and A, I really do...feel complete.

This is good stuff.

Also, I really really really love this and have watched it like 10 times. I dance to it, and walk around the house singing it :) Thanks

justneverended

Current Music: "When I'm gone - when I'm gone - When I'm gone - when I'm gone...."

I didn't take any pictures today but I've really dug this Mother's Day. Mental snapshots:

-Waking up and immediately being surrounded by little people bearing homemade cards, yard-picked flowers and handmade necklaces. I've been wearing the one from Isaac all day.
-My mother in law nervously giving me a card about how daughter in law loses the "in law" part at some point and us hugging after she anxiously watched me read it
-Jake and Elise, FILTHY, standing there naked in a bubble bath eating watermelong with huge toy dinosaurs floating at their feet
-Grant and I sitting outside of Starbucks on the sidewalk talking and laughing
-Eating this incredible dinner Grant made with panko breadcrumb'ed fried chicken, roasted cauliflower and potatoes and sauteed shrooms
-Sitting around the table with a couple of kids, and Bob, who I was managing to talk and laugh with so easily and happily without any weird baggage like I haven't in...years, maybe
-Getting down a ton of big blown up framed photography of Grant's, from where it's been stacked up collecting dust, and realizing we can hang all this immediately

As always, my favorite thing about Mother's Day is this video:

I'm putting some stuff strongly inspired by this image on a purple tshirt for Ananda as one of her birthday presents:

I'm really happy about how it's coming out so far; who knew fabric scraps could do such interesting things? I want it to be a surprise so I'm having to be sly. I'm also making her some other things, like a tote bag I think she'll love, and something I haven't decided on that will include this embroidery:

We're jointly planning to make an owl pinata (paper mache) and stuff it with brownies and oatmeal raisin cookies, all saran wrapped individually. She's been telling friends she'd like to have her party at Jacob's Aquatic Center. I got her a very hippy-fied sort of stationary set a couple of weeks ago at Ross, that has been hiding out in the top of my closet.

The only thing I have for Aaron so far (he's a month after) is a St Francis picture I actually got for him for Christmas and forgot about because it was tucked away. He loves St Francis because he could call the animals to him, charm the birds down from the trees and all that. When we last asked the question, "What super hero power would you like to have?" that was his answer.

My formspring video is made, it's just FORTY FOUR minutes of me answering FIFTY questions O_O So, Grant took a couple of goes at compressing the file today before he got the aspect ratio right and tonight it will be uploading to Vimeo as we sleep. I watched it once to make sure there was nothing especially horrible about it, and I can already hear the responses rolling in :p Aside from how the lighting makes it look as though my lips don't exist (really, it's weird), I at one point go from "number 1" to "and, b". Because that's the way I roll. It's only too bad I never got a drink during it, because I spill drinks all over myself about 75% of the time I take a sip of something ;) It was fun.

A few nights ago G and I watched the movie Whip It, starring that chick who played Juno. In Whip It she is a secretly rebellious teenager who keeps sneaking away from her sleepy little town to take the old folks' Bingo bus to a bigger city where she is lying about her age to be a part of the Roller Derby team. Her mother is a real 50s-era, southern, beauty-pageants-for-my-daughters type. Anyway it turned out a lot better than I expected, highly entertaining. It has surprise big names playing minor roles, like the leads are all unknows but Juliette Lewis, Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon are small side parts.

I think we're watching Sherlock Holmes tonight.

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Page generated Jul. 28th, 2025 06:35 pm

Life's been good to me so far

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

Entries tagged with grant and i

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The point of this entry is actually that it's a good day...

Hopefully you've got a couple of spare hours.

All manner of riff raff and bric a brak...

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Brevity - can she do it?

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