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May. 5th, 2011 05:40 amI have suspected something for awhile, but been reluctant to say it until I have more evidence. Evidence is accumulating, though...
I think I'm starting to know how to get places on time.
There is really no way to overstate the impact this could have on my life or how radical a departure from the norm it is. I stopped believing it might one day be possible for me to be punctual LONG ago.
And yet:
-I was on time to my last two counseling appointments
-I dropped the kittens off for their spay and neuter appts on time
-I got all five kids to 4 church services during Holy Week at varying appropriate levels of earliness (ranging from half an hour to an hour and a half early depending on which service, so that we could get seats) - following arriving way early for RCIA the Saturday before Palm Sunday
-Annie has been on time to the last couple of Girl Scout meetings
I was sort of suspecting I was improving as I made the strides over the last year or two such that it stopped being normal for me to be 15-30 minutes+ late for everything, and got more consistently to where I was 5-10 minutes late and anything more was really unusual. I've adjusted my perspective several times over the years; I had to adapt gradually to each new additional child as they were added, and I started budgeting extra time for unknowns awhile back and being more aware of variables like whether we needed gas on the way or whatever. I think one of the clinchers here, silly as it sounds, is that I was still always trying to get everywhere by the time whatever it was started (like aim to get to the church when mass starts or pull up at Dance Empire when class begins) - it honestly never occured to me that you should be aiming for earliness so that you can park, walk through a building, etc...Yes, I realize this is ridiculous. But drilling it into my head has helped enormously.
I felt like some kind of champion last summer in NYC that Aaron and I were waking up ultra early, catching unfamiliar subways, finding stores that had things we needed, and making it to his rehearsals (and a lunch date of mine, and performances) on time. But I thought it might be a fluke related to ONLY having to get him alone out the door, in a small place without much in it (seriously, lost shoes can bite my ass!).
I still have a terrible time organizing and managing my time overall (during the day when punctuality is not an issue, I mean) and I still FORGET things (Annie has been on time to a couple of GS meetings, for example, but she also misses about one a month altogether because I just forget it's that day :/). I'm trying to focus on actually USING - and regularly looking at - the huge tearaway paper calendar we have in the dining room because we really have tons and tons of crap going on in the next couple of weeks...I don't think anyone could balance it all in their mind consistently but that's why people resort to organizational tools, after all. Sheesh.
This all seems like profoundly simplistic and dumb crap for a 29 year old mother of many to be struggling to overcome...yet also like really significant and awesome progress with lifelong challenges.
(Many pictures I've been meaning to post)
Grant and the kids tie dyed their white shirts (everyone got one in their Easter basket).
Afterward, he used bits of the leftover dye, along with water and oil, to get cool effects.
Several nights ago, Isaac pestered and shoved at Aaron until Aaron eventually shoved him back. He landed on his butt, laughing...and then rolled to the side and there was a crack :/ Aaron ran for me in a panic, and when I got there I was ALARMED to see Isaac lying on his side with the shoulder he should have been on top of BEHIND HIM...geez it was horrible. We spent most of the night Wednesday night up at Miami Children's Hospital getting x-rays and exams. It is a break, horizontally and up near the shoulder on the humerus such that the upper arm has to stay right against his body.
(reveling in his stickers and skittles)
Poor Aaron was crying on the front porch with his head in his hands, when we left for the hospital...he totally blames himself, even though Isaac told the ER people himself "I was messing with my bwothew, and pushed him down, and finally he got mad..." *sigh* Luckily he is not in any pain with the sling in place. I have to adjust it A LOT throughout each day though (and he's in it for a month) and he hates the adjustments.
Elise turned FOUR - 4 years old!! - and had a pretty great party. Here she is coveting the vats of icing I made and colored the night before.
This is NOT the cake I wanted/planned to make - many pieces turned out unusable and I was extremely frustrated with what was left. BUT, when she walked out to the kitchen she GASPED and clasped her hands over her heart, with her eyes full of wonder.
So obviously it served it's purpose. And was tasty.
Grant Sr/Opa.
Darrien and Naja. Aaron said, "I don't really think of them as friends, because they're more like family".
And Kristin (my friend, their mom) made Elise this cat family. The mama has a tail in the back :)
Birthday Girl.
Birthday Girl's other best friend (besides Naj), Georgia.
My (one of the twins) niece Patrice is so old, so mature, so different looking.
Isaac with one arm sling'd up in his shirt
I let him decorate his own gluten free cake with dairy free frosting and other ickiness.
Yesterday Jake did something she didn't like to her and she started flinging her hands around in wild gestures exclaiming, "How dare you!! Me no beLIEVE that!" It was pretty awesome. She is definitely a force to be reckoned with.
Last night at one point as Bob and I joked, Ananda rolled her eyes and asked, "Why are grownups so LAME?" <--And so it begins.
I start classes next week. I wrote most of the last short story in my collection tonight. I'm reading Flowers in the Attic (for the first time).
My life is overwhelmingly dominated by marital strife. I love Grant, and he loves me, and we're still talking everyday and doing things together, and trying to do things with the kids/as a family...but everything is...hard. I don't really want to talk about it beyond that, at least not right now. It seems like the only way to do so are either to villify and crap-talk about him, or leave myself open to basically being hated (which is bound to happen regardless, honestly). Neither appeals, so...vague nonsense it is!
I think I'm starting to know how to get places on time.
There is really no way to overstate the impact this could have on my life or how radical a departure from the norm it is. I stopped believing it might one day be possible for me to be punctual LONG ago.
And yet:
-I was on time to my last two counseling appointments
-I dropped the kittens off for their spay and neuter appts on time
-I got all five kids to 4 church services during Holy Week at varying appropriate levels of earliness (ranging from half an hour to an hour and a half early depending on which service, so that we could get seats) - following arriving way early for RCIA the Saturday before Palm Sunday
-Annie has been on time to the last couple of Girl Scout meetings
I was sort of suspecting I was improving as I made the strides over the last year or two such that it stopped being normal for me to be 15-30 minutes+ late for everything, and got more consistently to where I was 5-10 minutes late and anything more was really unusual. I've adjusted my perspective several times over the years; I had to adapt gradually to each new additional child as they were added, and I started budgeting extra time for unknowns awhile back and being more aware of variables like whether we needed gas on the way or whatever. I think one of the clinchers here, silly as it sounds, is that I was still always trying to get everywhere by the time whatever it was started (like aim to get to the church when mass starts or pull up at Dance Empire when class begins) - it honestly never occured to me that you should be aiming for earliness so that you can park, walk through a building, etc...Yes, I realize this is ridiculous. But drilling it into my head has helped enormously.
I felt like some kind of champion last summer in NYC that Aaron and I were waking up ultra early, catching unfamiliar subways, finding stores that had things we needed, and making it to his rehearsals (and a lunch date of mine, and performances) on time. But I thought it might be a fluke related to ONLY having to get him alone out the door, in a small place without much in it (seriously, lost shoes can bite my ass!).
I still have a terrible time organizing and managing my time overall (during the day when punctuality is not an issue, I mean) and I still FORGET things (Annie has been on time to a couple of GS meetings, for example, but she also misses about one a month altogether because I just forget it's that day :/). I'm trying to focus on actually USING - and regularly looking at - the huge tearaway paper calendar we have in the dining room because we really have tons and tons of crap going on in the next couple of weeks...I don't think anyone could balance it all in their mind consistently but that's why people resort to organizational tools, after all. Sheesh.
This all seems like profoundly simplistic and dumb crap for a 29 year old mother of many to be struggling to overcome...yet also like really significant and awesome progress with lifelong challenges.
(Many pictures I've been meaning to post)
Grant and the kids tie dyed their white shirts (everyone got one in their Easter basket).
Afterward, he used bits of the leftover dye, along with water and oil, to get cool effects.
Several nights ago, Isaac pestered and shoved at Aaron until Aaron eventually shoved him back. He landed on his butt, laughing...and then rolled to the side and there was a crack :/ Aaron ran for me in a panic, and when I got there I was ALARMED to see Isaac lying on his side with the shoulder he should have been on top of BEHIND HIM...geez it was horrible. We spent most of the night Wednesday night up at Miami Children's Hospital getting x-rays and exams. It is a break, horizontally and up near the shoulder on the humerus such that the upper arm has to stay right against his body.
(reveling in his stickers and skittles)
Poor Aaron was crying on the front porch with his head in his hands, when we left for the hospital...he totally blames himself, even though Isaac told the ER people himself "I was messing with my bwothew, and pushed him down, and finally he got mad..." *sigh* Luckily he is not in any pain with the sling in place. I have to adjust it A LOT throughout each day though (and he's in it for a month) and he hates the adjustments.
Elise turned FOUR - 4 years old!! - and had a pretty great party. Here she is coveting the vats of icing I made and colored the night before.
This is NOT the cake I wanted/planned to make - many pieces turned out unusable and I was extremely frustrated with what was left. BUT, when she walked out to the kitchen she GASPED and clasped her hands over her heart, with her eyes full of wonder.
So obviously it served it's purpose. And was tasty.
Grant Sr/Opa.
Darrien and Naja. Aaron said, "I don't really think of them as friends, because they're more like family".
And Kristin (my friend, their mom) made Elise this cat family. The mama has a tail in the back :)
Birthday Girl.
Birthday Girl's other best friend (besides Naj), Georgia.
My (one of the twins) niece Patrice is so old, so mature, so different looking.
Isaac with one arm sling'd up in his shirt
I let him decorate his own gluten free cake with dairy free frosting and other ickiness.
Yesterday Jake did something she didn't like to her and she started flinging her hands around in wild gestures exclaiming, "How dare you!! Me no beLIEVE that!" It was pretty awesome. She is definitely a force to be reckoned with.
Last night at one point as Bob and I joked, Ananda rolled her eyes and asked, "Why are grownups so LAME?" <--And so it begins.
I start classes next week. I wrote most of the last short story in my collection tonight. I'm reading Flowers in the Attic (for the first time).
My life is overwhelmingly dominated by marital strife. I love Grant, and he loves me, and we're still talking everyday and doing things together, and trying to do things with the kids/as a family...but everything is...hard. I don't really want to talk about it beyond that, at least not right now. It seems like the only way to do so are either to villify and crap-talk about him, or leave myself open to basically being hated (which is bound to happen regardless, honestly). Neither appeals, so...vague nonsense it is!
