Life's been good to me so far

My day was mostly horrible. I got almost no sleep at all, last night, due to Jake being insane, Elise refusing to go to bed and Isaac having some kind of stomach pains all night long. Then I spent all day frantically busy trying to clean out, pack, clean up, tend to kids, etc...there is so much to be done that if I take the time to make any sort of progress with things like going through a closet or shelving, the rest of the house gets trashed in the process and I am SO behind on every type of housework, even though I haven't stopped for a minute. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall, here. Today, from the kids' room, I filled FIVE TRASH BAGS with stuffed animals, two with dress up clothes, two with diaperbags, backpacks, beach totes and my purses, two with things to donate and one with things to throw away. THE ROOM IS NOT DONE. I am realizing how desperately it needed this as I realize that I am still hanging on to things like string bikini tops that were really too small, like, 3 bra sizes ago, and jean cut offs I wore to summer camp when I was 15 but will never fit in again and would never be caught dead in anyway. I realized I am old enough now that even if I lost the weight to pull of a tank top showing my sides with some overalls, that is incredibly dated and I wouldn't feel comfortable anymore anyway, flashing everybody. I mean, really, what the heck.

I cannot quite let go of my platform combat boots.

We have really lived here for a long time.

I really have my work cut out for me, it makes me feel so tired just to think about it. I mean I spent an entire afternoon cleaning out the entertainment center, and got a full trash bag of garbage (we got rid of all the jewel cases for dvds and video games we have flip-books for now, and donated two different "educational" game systems the kids have never used that were covered in dust). Likewise for the adjacent "baby toys" part of the living room.

The kids' room, though, is really nuts and kind of epitomizes just how much we've outgrown these living arrangements - not only will Isaac and Jake's stuff be separated out into a whole different bedroom than A and A have at the new place. Also, all of MY clothes, shoes and purses will be in a closet in my room, all the skates, skateboards, helmets and backpacks will be in a hallway storage closet, and all the books will be in the library. We have like 400+ childrens' books, not counting what I think of as "school supplies" (those are in the dining room) O_o As it is I go in there almost nightly, and make the kids spend at least half an hour in there each afternoon, all just to keep the STUFF from being some sort of knee-high tide you have to wade through. Every bit of under-bed space in there is those giant rubbermaid tupperwares you slide under beds, each kid has one stuffed with anything they consider to be ONLY theirs and that they don't want others touching.

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Aaron is so clever. We were driving to Oma's (Teresa/mil) tonight, and he said he made up a joke. This is usually painfully bad news, but we asked him to go ahead. "There was a t-h-e, and an e-n-d", he said, and then fell silent. "Go on", we prompted. "That's 'the end'", he said.

I laughed a lot.

My mom was laughing so hard I thought she was going to rupture something, on the phone earlier, when I told her that frequently Elise will start pulling Isaac's hair or trying to pull something out of his hands, and unlike all of the others who can manage her on their own, he always squeals for help like he's in mortal peril. Because of his mispronounciations, 5 times a day I hear him crying, "MOMMY, A LEECH IS GETTING ME!!"

Jake still calls her Leeth-t :)

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The bank that owns the house we want has counter-offered $220k to our 214, which I actually see as really good news: The house is appraised at 277, last sold for 305, and because it's in foreclosure, was listed at only 235. The realtor said that was very solid and she didn't think they would go down. Of course I hoped they would accept 214, but I was really really hoping that if they did counteroffer, it would be 220. We re-did and re-signed the first page of the contract tonight, and assuming they're cool with us requiring an inspection as a contingency, and that the inspection goes well - THIS IS OUR HOUSE! :D They're going to be trying to get the power on Monday for an inspection assuming the bank ok's it.

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I went nuts on etsy and bought some great stuff. I feel really good about it, all of it is unique, really cool stuff and all handmade by people who I would rather give my money to than some big corporation.

( Come and see the Etsy goodness )

I have also recently purchased lion brand "kits" (instructions and all materials necessary)for two projects. This goes against my normal snobby yarn sensibilities on several levels: I've never made anything with a pattern in the past, and I like more awesome yarn, generally speaking (variegated, hand-dyed, yada yada). But, well, I am not that great of a knitter (usually sticking to crochet), and am hoping to learn something, in the first case, and in the second case, I've had a thing for granny squares lately. Anyway they're both throws I think will be great around My New House:





They're both made of wool-ease, which is supposed to have "all the warmth and softness of wool, but the durability for machine washing".

I won't be able to actually work on either of them probably until after we've moved, settled in a bit AND Christmas has passed (since I'm making several kid gifts and house things as it is) - but it will be very nice to have them there once the time comes.

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Tomorrow is the PATH campout. There is a 50% chance of rain that I really hope doesn't effect us too much. I also hope everything goes well; Grant works tomorrow and is going to be joining us at around 8 pm. It's going to be me and them out there from about 4 until then. It should be fine - there will be a bunch of other PATH parents around all vying to hold Elise, most likely, and there are scheuled activities for Ananda, Aaron and Isaac. Still and all I have never done any tent-pitching myself thus far. It feels like famous last words to say "It can't be that hard, right?" :p

When we first found out how much and when we were getting the settlement, we started obsessively looking through real estate online. We thought, hmm, ok, we can get something tiny in a decent neighborhood down here (like a 1400sf 3/2), with a 1/4 acre or less of yard, or something HUGE, like 2 stories, 3000 sf, garden tub, island in the kitchen, loft, 2 car garage, etc etc - but with NO YARD AT ALL, with houses pressed so closely in on either side that they literally don't put windows on the sides of the houses at all. Either way, it would be like $300,000 or more.

The places we really wanted were out in the Redlands, which is a little more rural, but they run around a million dollars each now. Some are "as low as" $600,000 or so. It just wasn't a good option at all; we would have had to get a mortgage we might not even qualify for and then die a slow death in property taxes and home owner's insurance. Argh.

We made the mistake of looking at Jacksonville real estate, and realized we could get a 2500 sf house on a 1/2 acre in a good area, for $300,000. So much more for our money. We had this big grappling struggle to deal with whether or not I could stand to leave my sister, break up the cousins, drop our established social network to start fresh. I hated it and thought of all the unique things I love about here - like the Florida Keys, the Everglades and the unique cultural and educational opportunities for the kids as they grow - and finally I said, you know what? I'm not going up to Jacksonville. Period. I can't do it.

Laura was thrilled, we were ok with it, we started looking again. Then my mother sent me this place, though - this crazy ass ranch house. 3000 square feet on 5 acres (in Jacksonville). It was listed at 399k but we were talking the guy down. Pool. All this stuff, convenient to downtown. It meant leaving, but bunny patch, leaving, but growing all of our own vegetables, leaving, but blah blah blah.

As time passed and we worked out our budget, though, it was like...ok. Tything 10%. Giving about $25k to friends and family as repayment for help last year. $62k in debt to pay off. Buying a second vehicle outright. Retirement plans. Possibly me writing for a year while Grant takes off work. Either way, some amount of financial buffer, and we're gonna need more furniture and an extracurricular budget to pull from...we realized we really couldn't afford a house that cost $300,000, let alone more. Not if we wanted to pay closing costs, or had to renovate at all, or wanted to take a vacation...

Then we realized, with a pang of sadness, that we could get what we have available here - the huge house with no yard or small house with little yard in questionable area - for only $200,000 or less, up there. We felt resigned to go.

Then, we went for a walk to Spellbound Books last week. I joked as we set out that maybe we'd buy a house along the way to Game Night. A couple of blocks later, in a great neighborhood, I saw a For Sale sign on a house I've always looked at and thought was nice, over the years. It has a fenced back yard, and then also a separate fenced side yard that includes a HUGE raised, deck-like patio that spans the entire length of the house, and is deep in places too, with ceiling fans and shelving. Foreclosure and everything. I called, and found out some great things.

2500 sf, 4/2 with kitchen and dining room, living and family rooms, upgrades like garden tub and double sinks in bathrooms. Tons of windows and french doors letting in a ton of light. Listed at 235. WOW, I thought, I got all excited and when I got to the bookstore and unloaded everyone and everything I immediately called Grant, and my mother about it. G looked up some inside pics online and said it looked great inside, the kitchen was really big and nice and there are some great wood floors in certain rooms. It was also appraised at 277k and last sold for 305k!

We told his mom (a realtor) that we wanted to see the inside. She got the lockbox code but stuff kept happening - including her being hospitalized for a possible heart attack :/ Grant and Isaac spent a morning there with her, and all of us went over one afternoon. She seemed/seems fine, but it was really scary the night she called the ambulance. She's only 47 or 48, still works fulltime and is raising Mindy's kids. There have been many prayers. It has been reiterated a million times to her that she doesn't have to rush to showing us houses, but she seems genuinely excited and like it's something she's happy about - her husband pulled me aside and told me to just let her do it because it actually takes her mind off of other things that DO stress her out.

In the meantime, while we couldn't see the inside, we called and got more info - that one room was unfinished terrazzo floor because they had to pull out some carpet, that there were a couple of broken tiles where the previous owners pulled out an in-floor safe, and that we'd have to get a new oven and dishwasher. None of it is too big of a deal, especially at that price. I was thinking, this is going to be mediocre but acceptable. A good price for the square footage and location, and a way to stay in Homestead. We went over there twice and looked around outside, mentally mapping out the yard - above ground pool, shed and garden could go in the back, swing set, picnic table and trampoline on the side, and our old dining set that's on the back porch here (cheap, light wood, much smaller table) would be fine on the patio.

Tonight, we finally went over to look at the inside, with Teresa. When we got there, there was another realtor there showing it to some other people, which struck panic in my heart. The prior salesperson in me identifies this as "fear of loss"; realtors should plan these things on purpose. Anyway, they left before we went in.


WOW.


I love it. It surpassed my expectations about a million times over, inside.

When you first walk in, you're in what would be our library, with what would be our tv room to the right through sliding/pocket french doors, and what would be my office to the left. You're stepping through nice wooden double doors with decorative glass panels, the tv room has french doors to the big old patio. Windows everywhere. You keep walking straight, and the kitchen is on your left, dining room on the right. The kitchen is nice and big, plenty of room for helping kids - it has a granite bar to sit at, a giant pantry with shelves that roll out towards you, a spot for the double oven I'm dying to have, stainless steel KitchenAid refrigerator. There is a big box window popping out from the house above the kitchen sink, for an herb garden. The dining room has these huge, deep accordian-door storage closets full of organizational shelving, which is perfect for us as we currently keep all the homeschool supplies, arts and crafts stuff and board games in the dining room hanging out all over on bookcases. The dining rooms has french doors out to the patio, too.

Keep walking straight again, and you're in the hallway - you have the first bathroom on your left. First mini-room is oversized mirrors, double sinks, and shelving recessed into the wall, then there is the toilet and tub room. WAY nicer than the one bathroom we're sharing now. Across from it is the AC closet, which has room for storage.

Next to that bathroom is the laundry room, which has plenty of room for our mountains of laundry, the Ultra High Capacity washer and dryer we're buying, and an exterior door. Across from that is the first bedroom, which has a huge walk-in closet full of built in organizational shelving, buckling wood laminate flooring we'd have to replace, and french doors that go out to the patio.

Next the hallway splits left and right. To the left, you have a MASSIVE walk-in storage closet (it's like 8x8, at least, I thought it was a tiny bedroom at first) with that coated-wire shelving already installed all over. Go a little further, and you hit bedroom number 2, which is nice, windows, whatever.

Go right and you hit "the master suite". First it's another of those mini-bathroom-rooms with double sink, built in linen closet and plenty of mirror. There's a door to the main part of the bathroom, with a toilet and a GIANT GARDEN TUB WITH JACUZZI JETS and a portable shower head. The master bedroom has TWO big walk-in closets full of built in organizational shelving, double rods, etc, a window, and french doors out to the patio. Also very nice wood flooring. (What would be the fourth bedroom, way up by the front door, is what we're calling the office - it would be Annie and Aaron in one room, Isaac and Jake in one room, and Elise with us for at least awhile more).

I love it. I really love it. I love the layout, I love the size, I love the bathrooms, I love how unique it is to any other house I've been in, I love how outside-oriented and full of light it is. I love the incredible amount of storage, and the laundry room, and all of it. I forgot to mention that it has a security system installed already, and nice ceiling fans all over the place, and is freshly painted inside and out. A good yellow, outside.

I was all squinty eyed and suspicious about "those other people who were looking at our house". But I'll bet they don't have cash, bwahahaha.

*sigh*

Anyway, Teresa is doing the paperwork tonight to submit our offer of $201,014.75 cash, with an initial refundable deposit of $2500, pending an inspection and a survey, after which we'll give them like ten grand assuming all goes well, and then the rest at closing.

I am all on pins and needles and crazy giddy about this business. Will it work? Will they accept that offer, since it's a bank-owned foreclosure that needs a little work here and there? Or will they counter-offer? We told her our next offer would be 215, if so. Mainly I don't want somebody else to buy it out from under us. Most of the houses in that neighborhood have sold for $3-4 hundred thousand since about 2005, but of course that was a really big peak for the housing market down here, and the bubble has definitely burst. Our financial advisor thinks the real estate market is going to continue to drop for the next year before it turns around, so, surely the bank that owns this house also knows that. And it has to be a perk, when you've been burned on a mortgage, to have cash buyers available. The neighbors made a point of introducing themselves while we were there, and seemed nice - they have an 11 year old girl, a 9 year old boy and a 4 year old girl.

This all seems so crazy real to us. We're buying a house. Even if this one falls through, we're buying some house or other soon. We're actually going to walk through the display kitchens at Lowe's or wherever and say, we'd like this, and that and that. It kind of gives me the tense, anvil will drop out of the sky any second feeling I had in the weeks before my wedding, and it is definitely going to be weird leaving this house after being here longer than I've ever lived anywhere else in my life...but I'm thrilled.

PLEASE PLEASE THIS HOUSE!!! I know that if we don't get it, it'll be for some reason or other, opening a door when He closes a window or whatever, and I'll try to respect that, but for right now? I'd really like this house bad.

It's caddy-corner across the street from a guy with a HUMONGOUS leechy tree, who is so sweet that he goes in and gets a ladder and sheers and bucket to get you dozens himself, if you ask if you could maybe pick a couple. I know from years gone by when I'd walk around that area when Annie and Aaron were all I had. And we'd still be in easy walking distance of bringing Aracelia baked goods or A and A having a playdate with Isabel and Sydney or seeing Diane's latest baby birds (all neighbors here on this street). It's only about 4 blocks away, but definitely 4 blocks further into the really good part of the neighborhood, and 4 blocks further FROM the bike stealing, rock-throwing unattended kids around the corner from us in the other direction. It would be a longer but doable walk to the grocery store, and 4 blocks less to walk to get to the bookstore the other way.

Now I guess I'm supposed to go to sleep? HA!

I was a whirlwind of productivity today. It was a nice change from being a heap of frustrated confusion (i.e., sitting at the computer for HOURS and HOURS combing real estate and conversion van options and making budgets in Excel).

-De-cluttered the entire main part of the house
-Swept all the tile
-Mopped all the tile but the dining room
-Vaccumed all of the living room and hallway
-emptied and refilled the dishwasher
-cleared off and scrubbed the dining table
-scrubbed the counters

That was with a lot of help and cooperation from older children. Also...

-made out checks and put them in the mail, for my last surgeon, Homestead Hospital's pathology lab, Newton-Wellesley Hospital's pathology lab, and PATH's upcoming campout
-sent emails I've been avoiding, including RSVP'ing to said campout and assuring certain people I am still alive
-ordered the Nicoletta Ceccoli print. Yeah, that's right, I spent $300 on a 14x14 lithograph. This astounds even me. But we budgeted in advance for it, and I think it's worth it. Combined with the bills I paid (which totalled almost thirteen thousand dollars) and the PATH fee (a "mere" $50), I was feeling faint by the time I had a kid come to the door selling magazines for a cause. But I got 2 years of Ranger Rick on the grounds that it's for homeschooling and we used to love getting Your Big Backyard.

We had GREAT homeschool time...we worked in their science journals, doing things like counting breaths and heartbeats at rest and after 3 minutes of jumping jacks, and making finger (ink) and lip (makeup) prints of three of us, to compare, on paper. I love that guided science journal book SO MUCH.

I made risotto with mushrooms for lunch, and the kids who don't like mushrooms had peanuts with it.

Then we walked to Spellbound Books for game night, since we didn't have the van. This, people, is over 3 miles away and something I've never considered before. It worked out GREAT though. When we first started out, I knew the first 3/4 mile or so would be through a pretty nice, well established residential neighborhood, and I told the kids, "Maybe we'll buy a house on the way." "Really?" Annie asked, to which I replied, "Well, I've got the checkbook with me." and then we all laughed a lot.

But I did see a house that could be "The one". It's a place I've walked past and thought was nice years ago, and according to the realtor has a lot of the things we're looking for: enough square footage, 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms plus more than one central living area, a dining room separate from the kitchen, nice kitchen in general (big enough, updated), big old bathtub in the master, a ton of windows and french doors letting in LOTS of light, no carpet, and a good enough yard. Also...unbelievable price. It's a foreclosure. Totally within our budget: I was psyched. This could be a way to stay in Homestead!

BUT. The realtor was confused by the square footage of the lot seeming smaller in listed number than what she saw when she looked at the place. We got home and went to a .gov site we use that lists lot sizes, has aerial views of everywhere with property lines, tells appraised values, etc, and...first of all it's listed as a 3/2, not a 4/2. Second, the property line, from the street to the back of the property? It's like 10 feet over from where it should be, and runs RIGHT THROUGH the driveway, house, shed and fence. As if the people next door actually own that sliver of everything. What the hell? It explains why the number of square feet in the yard doesn't match up with how the yard looks, at least. So anyway we want to see it to see if it's 3 or 4 bedrooms, and also talk about this with the bank that owns it. I guess we might end up needing a real estate attorney and a surveyor, if we go through with this particular place...Other than this confusion, the only cons with the place are that one bedroom has unfinished (well, terazzo) floors because they had to tear up the carpet, and it doesn't have a garage, which Grant was hoping for. But, it has a shed, which might be able to serve the same purpose (wood working material storage). And the appraised value and neighbors' homes' values are definitely significantly above asking price.

Spellbound Books, though, yeah - when we first got there, a family I know from years ago at my old church, who lives just a couple of blocks away but I somehow never see, was coming out. It was nice catching up. Then while I was in there, a friend of mine called on the phone, and it was a Very Good Thing. This friend is 1. An x-girlfriend of Grant's, 2. An x-enemy of my sister's, 3. Someone who I feel I know inside and out and who understands me better than the vast majority of people, 4. Someone I almost never talk to, even though we both live here in town, and 5. Probably doing and being exactly what and who I would be, if I didn't have kids.

She's also the x-roomate of one of my best friends from middle school and the fiance of my sister's math tutor. Ah, small town living.

It's nice to get an invite from somebody who is cool with me stopping in for tea at midnight or one in the morning, since that's something I can actually do. By myself.


I am really, really sick of pee and poop. Today I changed a poopy diaper of Elise's, got pee from a wet one on my shirt somehow, cleaned Jake's poop off of the carpet and him, cleaned Isaac's poop off the bathroom floor, him, and the side of the tub, dealt with Jake peeing in his jeans and then stripping naked save for a tshirt in Spellbound, dealt with Aaron peeing in his jeans and then being humiliated and hiding in his room under the covers because he never does that, and found shorts of one of the little boys' in the bathroom with mystery poop in them as I couldn't recall who'd been wearing them. I don't get it; Isaac has been potty trained for, oh, almost two years now, and Jake has been using the potty at least most of the time since October. Aaron of course is like 4 years out of diapers now. What the hell. This is why I absolutely refuse to even entertain the NOTION of a dog for at least another year or so. You know how much totally "Extra" laundry that is, just for today? Above and beyond all regular wear of clothes, towels, diapers or bedding? Argh.


If I can make the next few days as productive as today was, I'll have a lot less stress in my life...some of my goals involve sending out another batch of mail, but personal this time, paying off some more debts, continuing in the science journal vein, researching and seeing this house, making sure to read to all of my younger kids as much as I used to read to the older ones at their ages, and sleeping more.

I guess I should get on that.

Well well well.

Financial advisor highpoints:

-I now understand how and why long term investing is safe, but short term investing is risky, and thus that a 34 year variable annuity would be pretty much a sure thing, whereas a 1 year 5% interest bearing money market account would not be.
-We're getting life insurance - well, he is for sure, for me it depends on what the rates will be based on my previous...experiences. I've wished we had life insurance for a long time, but it's something we never got around to.

Financial advisor lowpoints:

-This is a man who is on his second marriage and freely admits he was not around while his son was growing up, because he worked so much, but that he got wealthy that way and now has an estate for his son...which is completely ass backwards from my own priorities, and it showed in every point of the conversation. He also didn't anticipate us wanting to tythe, and generally talked about "people our age" a lot and acted very condescending, albeit (I think) unintentionally - that part is probably related to him teaching college part time, I guess.

-His main deal was being very adamant that we HAVE to invest at least $100,000-$150,000 in our retirement. I mean really, I asked him if there was any smaller amount he could suggest as a minimum to invest now such that it would have time to grow, and he said $100,000 is the least that's worth doing. I just can't imagine that's true. Investing something significant in a retirement fund that we can add to as time passes - that makes sense. I can see the value and importance there. Something like 10-25k. But $100,000? $150,000? He kept saying we have this once in a lifetime opportunity to do this, but we sure do have an awful lot we could do with this money to improve our next 3 decades of life, rather than the 3 after that (which may or may not even occur, and won't feature dependants), you know? I realize this will seem immature to some people, but at 26...I mean how do you make a decision to say, we're going to get a small house, we're going to keep driving one vehicle, we're not going to give back to any of the family and friends that helped us or put the kids in any unnecessary enriching activities - we're not going to pay off all of our current debt or write or travel or anything. We're going to put as much as we possibly can in a vault to grow slowly for the next 34 years so that when we're old, we won't have to work.

Whatever, you know? I'm glad we had the meeting. I think some good did come of it - he got me thinking more seriously about investing for retirement, even if we won't do as much as he suggested, and the life insurance apps have been submitted, so those are good things. I wish he had been more willing to talk about home buying, but that seemed to be very peripheral to him - he said "real estate is not an investment, real estate is a roof over your head". ? I hear him, but...I don't know. If you can leave it to someone when you die, and the value changes over time, and you can sell it for a huge amount of money down the road - if you insure it against damages just in case - I mean, that seems like an investment to me, but I've never claimed to be someone with a lot of background in investing. Financially, anyway.

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The check actually came this afternoon. "In Full and Final Settlement of all Claims", it says, which I irrationally fear on some level means, "You are going to cash this, and then die from further complications, and it's got nothing to do with us when that happens". It's burgundy and I joked that it's because it's blood money.

I was actually incredibly depressed after I got it out of the mailbox. Just like...this is it. Here we go. It makes me sick to my stomach in a way I don't know how to explain; all of this is just so big. Prioritizing things is so huge right now.

Speaking of which, I would like to say to all of you advice-laden peeps out there...I'm not really asking for your advice. If you're someone I know and love - or at least know of and respect - I will always really value and consider what you have to say, and if you just have good points, I'll at least hear you out no matter who you are. Comments are allowed because I like commentary. But I felt in my last entry like some people thought I was expressly asking for advice, and I'm not. I'm dumping in my journal, because it's cathartic for me and I like knowing it's being communicated to whoever's reading. I'm going to continue to dump in my journal and to share and to allow comments, but, I don't know... I'm sure that we can't please everyone. I know there will be times when (the general) you think we're being stupid. And that's ok. You just go on thinking it to yourself ;) The last thing I want to deal with is some idea that I have to censor myself over the coming months and years so that we don't seem frivolous to people - because, hello, when you've been broke and struggling for your whole life and get a huge chunk of money dropped on you after the worst year EVER, you're gonna do some frivolous stuff! Hopefully interspersed sensibly between responsible stuff.

Anyway...I spent the whole evening depressed, crying sometimes, just miserable like the wind had been knocked out of me. There's something really invalidating and infuriating about this check being the apology or fruition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it, of what I went through last Fall. And something very overwhelming over how to best divide it up, now that that whole tale is done and I'm supposed to move on. I've gone to work and brought home a paycheck in the past: I feel now as though I earned this money, through pain and suffering and struggling and fear. It is below minimum wage.

Grant is so good. When I feel like that, I am less patient with the kids, I avoid phone calls, I refuse to call anyone else. But talking with him is just like it always is. Like thinking inside my own head. When Elise was in the NICU we couldn't stand to talk to anyone else, sometimes, it just felt like such work to communicate...this has been one of those nights that he knows me so well and loves me just as I am to such a degree that I can't help but be terrified of what I'll do when/if he dies.

My kids did help, too. Well, ok, not Isaac, Isaac had one of his full on episodes - he actually scared the hell out of both of us thrashing and screaming and kicking and howling like an insane person...it was a fit brought on by being woken up after falling asleep in the van, but triggered more specifically by being told no, he couldn't have any peeps right then. It was 15 minutes or so of solid full throttle violence and shrieking $#@)(*@!!!. And we don't yell at him, or do anything to intensify it - G did have to restrain or remove him a couple of times, but that's it. I thought he was going to knock a door off it's hinges on more than one occassion, and it makes me really frustrated to see Elise and Jake confused and upset by the way he acts...He was shaking, with bright red ears for quite awhile afterwards. We tried to give him a ton of affection and talk about reacting and feelings and all kinds of stuff...he was cute and articulate the rest of the night. O_O

Elise was a grinning, ticklish bundle of joy, though, fat and happy in my arms, Jake has been talkative and affectionate, and when I went in Ananda and Aaron's room to read to them before bed, they had set up a reading area for me and cleared their mess out of my way and prepared a basket with books they'd like me to choose from. They atually said, "We wanted you to know how much we care about you and that we think of you."

We did not go to Jacksonville as planned, largely because we have gritted our teeth and decided that the ranch is possible, but it's not responsible...we can get it, but we get it with the assumption that although our yard is always a little overgrown and strewn with kid things, and we can't keep up with the laundry, we will somehow be able to maintain 5 acres and a pool with pleasure. And the assumption that because we can buy it, we can afford it, when we don't have a riding lawn mower or a lifetime supply of pool chemicals or a big old maintenance fund or any of that exactly standing by. I mean, we really could maybe get it and be just fine with it and be happy as heck. But maybe we could also get it and end up in foreclosure, or selling it out of desperation, or having it be rundown and getting ratty around us.

Mostly there are too many things it would preclude.

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I cannot drink enough water these days. I feel like a glutton for water. We keep a case of bottled waters in the back of the van and I drink one on the way to wherever we're going, sometimes all at one shot.

We're having a great day home alone as a family, with Grant off. I had Easter baskets I was really happy with ready and waiting with namecards propped in front of them, on the dining table, when I went to bed last night. They like them a lot - rubber stamp supplies with carrot and egg designs, playdoh eggs, new journals for A and A, Lindtor Easter truffles - best of all, these terra cotta "egg plants" I found at Lowe's that you just crack and water and it grows. I am a bad parent for giggling about giving Isaac the pansy.

We had our green eggs and ham like we do every year and have been browsing houses as per usual, but together, which is a nice change. We're going to Jacksonville to browse a couple of properties this week, after our financial avisor meeting.

Ananda, Aaron, Isaac and Grant can all play Super Smash Brothers together on the Wii at once and they love it - we haven't had the Wii out much in weeks.

We're going to be using onion skins, pantyhose and leaves to dye eggs in a little while and if the results are as expected, I will post pictures.

The Three Things dominating my headspace are as follows:

-I sauteed up almost a whole head of minced garlic in oil last night, strained it, and used the drops in my ear, and I am happy to report that my pain is gone - it's just some pressure and that it's still closed, now. I've been using the drops throughout today, too, whenever it starts to feel tender. The swelling is way down. I'm hoping this actually kicks it and doesn't just force the bacteria in there to mutate into super germs that will eat my entire brain. The pain was getting pretty horrible before I cooked up my concoction, I was nearly crying and unable to chew anything. So, this is great.

-Last Easter, we were in the apartment in Boston. I made green eggs and ham in that little rented kitchen with weird pans and we had a plastic egg hunt in the living room. I kept waiting for contractions to start because I really thought an Easter baby would be neato. Obviously it was WEEKS later that she was born, but I didn't know that then...I was huge and it was very very cold out, and we had two different boys choke on halves of those stupid plastic eggs - I hate those things. They're like diaphrams for the throat, I no longer allow them inside at all...it's really hard to get them out even with heimlech'ing, when the rounded end is down in there facing the throat.

But was that really a whole year ago? The time has flown. I can close my eyes and picture the whole place around me. Pink tiled bathroom where I imagined being on all fours in the tub, leaning on the edge, pushing. That big sunny bedroom. It really feels like....5 or 6 months. Time flies when you're "having fun" ;)

-I feel like a real heel because I've got the silly traditional breakfast, I've got the dye supplies, I've got the baskets - but Jesus has been a passing sentence, a flippant explanation. This is the very first Lent since I became Christian that I wasn't even aware it WAS Lent, for like a week into it, and then remembered again two weeks later with a little pang of guilt...I used to have this "There's always next year" outlook that, well, I don't have anymore. I thought that last year then almost died, then screwed up even worse, as far as moving through Lent. We're going to the Easter pageant at the church where A and A and Isaac go to AWANA and VBS, later this evening after egg dyeing and a good dinner, at least. It makes me feel a little better. I have great excuses like business, lack of sleep, new work schedule for G - but I know that the thing is, I would be renewed and better able to deal with all of that if I had taken this opportunity.


Still a good day. I suppose that is what Grace is all about.

I have a horrible deep inner ear infection. It is in the same ear that was infected for months when I was pregnant with Isaac - I went from probiotics and patience to 3 successive courses of progressively stronger antibiotics, and it just kept getting worse. At one point I was so desperate and the surreal, stuffy headed, dizzy feeling and pain from jaw to forehead was so bad, I tried all kinds of ridiculous crap - I bought "Ear candles" from the health food store and tried some random no-brand drops of Grant Sr's for swimmers ear. Eventually, my ear drum ruptured from the pressure. And although I have had permanent, noticeable hearing loss in that ear, the sudden release of all that pressure and end of all that pain, after so long, and being able to lay down on a pillow or hold a phone over there or whatever...it was awesome. I am one of those gross people who want to pop any pimple in sight, too, so that made it extra satisfying in my warped brain ;)

Anyway, it's only been two days so far, this time...but it's getting worse and worse. I don't have the golf ball sized lump on the side of my face (yet?) but I cried earlier when Jake leaned his head on my face in a way he does all the time. I am already fantasizing about forcing pressure on my ear drum from the outside and making it pop just to get all the crap out and stop feeling this way. I won't do it - I'm too afraid of being totally deaf on that side, for one thing (and I would probably be screaming from it hurting so badly) - but the point is just...this sucks. A lot.

And the worst part is, I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BY NOW. Last week I had a bowl of cereal 4 days in a row. I know what milk does to me. It happens every time, so why do I drop my guard if it's been awhile? Damn that Honey Nut Clusters with Chocolate Clusters, DAMN IT TO HELL. Yes, I realize that sounds ridiculous. But honestly, I realized it was behind my non-stop allergy and sinus problems right before my ear started to swell shut inside. So far I've tried breastmilk in the ear (which works for the kids and is pediatrician approved) and drinking heinously sour lemon water (which does the opposite of what milk does and thins all my muccous membrane gunk and usually helps clear my ears, nose and throat).

The last time I had a significant amount of soft dairy was on the way home from Boston last year. I had ice cream at Dama's house, twice, in the same week that I had like 4 frappuccinos "because it's a road trip!!" (usually I get one like once a month). I got home with tonsilitis, kicking myself.

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Although chewing hurts on that side, it is a good food day. Laura was over here, she made this incredible warm-or-cold pasta salad...it was that "Healthy Harvest" macaroni that is ultra nutritious, and had a ton of red peppers, artichoke, grape tomatoes, mushrooms, peas, asparagus, olive oil, and...bacon. My sister cannot resist bacon when it comes to vegetables. Ah well. Freaking delicious. She also made my banana bread while she was here, one loaf for her to take home and one loaf to leave here for us. I made 32 bean soup from a dry mix they sell at Wild Oats, in the bulk bins, and bruchetta, for dinner, and brownies for dessert, and it was all super yummy. When I can make a bean soup that Aaron scarfs down a whole bowl of in 2 minutes, I feel good.

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It hasn't been easy for me to update lately, because there is a lot of HUGE stuff going on in our lives and I'm not sure how much of it I want to share publically. The gist is, we've accepted a settlement offer from the hospital that left the sponge in me. We are not exactly being lowered into our piles of gold coins via private helicopter, like Scrooge McDuck, but we definitely have a lot of options opening up to us that might not have ever been options, before. So, of course, we're looking at the best ways to spend/save it every waking hour and in our dreams. Some options we've been pouring over tirelessly include:

-An overpriced house down here where we really want to be, vs a bigger and better house for the same price in Jacksonville where we also like it but lose Laura and our larger social network...vs putting money for a house in a CD and waiting for the housing market to drop lower like it's expected to by early next year.
-Getting a big passenger van like we've wanted to forever, so that we can carry along Laura and Brian, or Annie and Aaron's friends, or Shaun, or whoever, and have more cargo room on trips, vs getting a zippy little car for Grant to just use for the commute, leaving me the minivan, vs getting a hybrid minivan because we'd feel better about that, even though they are in their infancy and there's no variety and bad pricing so far
-how much we want to set ourselves up for the long-long term (savings accounts for the kids, retirement funds, paying off all debt, being mortgage and car payment free), vs how much we want to use this once in a lifetime opportunity for once in a lifetime experiences, like traveling to places we've never been and allowing the kids to have a large fund for extracurriculars during their formative years
-whether it's worthwhile and something we can deal with for Grant to take a year off work to let me Write For Real; it was his idea, and I've been in a near-anxiety state of clenched, goosebumpy anticipation since he mentioned it. What an opportunity, and what an amazing affirmation that he believes in me.
-whether or not he still feels a call to ministry and would like to explore ways to persue going to college, which I'm totally ready to support
-how to spend our small amounts of personally allotted "Money for Whatever We Want"

We're also TREMENDOUSLY excited about tything 10% in various charitable ways we believe in and giving certain predetermined amounts to a few people we really feel we owe a lot to.

Basically we're over the moon grateful to have such an opporunity, but TOTALLY overwhelmed with the pressure to not blow it, or have regrets. Prioritizing seems very complex for us right now. We have a meeting with a financial advisor on Monday that I hope is productive and helps us glean some clarity, along with seeing some properties in person and just generally talking this out. Even though that mainly means emailing things out, or using the phone on his way home...because Grant is ALWAYS at work. He's been doing the 76-hour-with-commute weeks for about 2 months now. Although he has given notice at the part time job, so will "only" be a full time employee for one company soon.

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( kid updates )

I started my period today. But I didn't expect it (I haven't been keeping close tabs on it and just hadn't thought about how long it had been). So, I went to the bathroom, wiped, and went into about a 20 second panic of OH MY GOSH THIS IS IT FUCK MY INTENSTINES HAVE RE-BLOCKED AND BECOME STRANGULATED AND - before thinking, Ok, wait...I am a woman. Let's investigate this further. *sigh*

Ah, the joys of having had a small bowel resection...anyway.


With this period has come a flood of PMS. Or maybe it's just the extremely small quantity of sleep I got two nights in a row catching up? All I know is, I was having a good day and then all of a sudden crashed hard this evening. Everything seems hopeless, and pointless, and usually I only feel this way if I am very, very low on sleep for a couple of days running, or I'm just starting a period.

We have good plans for tomorrow, anyway.

-Breakfast, tooth brushing, morning chores
-schoolwork
-off to Kristin's to hang out - tomorrow's the Every Other Friday that she hosts an organic produce co-op pick up. So we might get some organic produce, too. Or we might swim in their pool. There is supposed to be split pea soup available. She's been painting my belly cast, too, and I'm eager to see it. She said she'd worked on it for awhile today when Darian (5) came and found it and said, "eww, mom, it looks like there is blood coming out of those roses, which made her happy to know she was doing a good job :p She's done some really amazing stuff. Examples can be seen here - I actually think that one on the bottom might be mine, unfinished O_o
-driving around the Villages of Homestead for houses for sale by owner, in case there are some there that aren't listed with realtors and thus not available for browsing online. I imagine that after a long time at Kristin's, Jake and Elise will be napping for this. It will take about half an hour just to get from her house TO the Villages.
-game night at Spellbound Books

I'm still working out how to make dinner fit into this plan.