Interesting Day
Mar. 25th, 2008 03:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameWell well well.
Financial advisor highpoints:
-I now understand how and why long term investing is safe, but short term investing is risky, and thus that a 34 year variable annuity would be pretty much a sure thing, whereas a 1 year 5% interest bearing money market account would not be.
-We're getting life insurance - well, he is for sure, for me it depends on what the rates will be based on my previous...experiences. I've wished we had life insurance for a long time, but it's something we never got around to.
Financial advisor lowpoints:
-This is a man who is on his second marriage and freely admits he was not around while his son was growing up, because he worked so much, but that he got wealthy that way and now has an estate for his son...which is completely ass backwards from my own priorities, and it showed in every point of the conversation. He also didn't anticipate us wanting to tythe, and generally talked about "people our age" a lot and acted very condescending, albeit (I think) unintentionally - that part is probably related to him teaching college part time, I guess.
-His main deal was being very adamant that we HAVE to invest at least $100,000-$150,000 in our retirement. I mean really, I asked him if there was any smaller amount he could suggest as a minimum to invest now such that it would have time to grow, and he said $100,000 is the least that's worth doing. I just can't imagine that's true. Investing something significant in a retirement fund that we can add to as time passes - that makes sense. I can see the value and importance there. Something like 10-25k. But $100,000? $150,000? He kept saying we have this once in a lifetime opportunity to do this, but we sure do have an awful lot we could do with this money to improve our next 3 decades of life, rather than the 3 after that (which may or may not even occur, and won't feature dependants), you know? I realize this will seem immature to some people, but at 26...I mean how do you make a decision to say, we're going to get a small house, we're going to keep driving one vehicle, we're not going to give back to any of the family and friends that helped us or put the kids in any unnecessary enriching activities - we're not going to pay off all of our current debt or write or travel or anything. We're going to put as much as we possibly can in a vault to grow slowly for the next 34 years so that when we're old, we won't have to work.
Whatever, you know? I'm glad we had the meeting. I think some good did come of it - he got me thinking more seriously about investing for retirement, even if we won't do as much as he suggested, and the life insurance apps have been submitted, so those are good things. I wish he had been more willing to talk about home buying, but that seemed to be very peripheral to him - he said "real estate is not an investment, real estate is a roof over your head". ? I hear him, but...I don't know. If you can leave it to someone when you die, and the value changes over time, and you can sell it for a huge amount of money down the road - if you insure it against damages just in case - I mean, that seems like an investment to me, but I've never claimed to be someone with a lot of background in investing. Financially, anyway.
The check actually came this afternoon. "In Full and Final Settlement of all Claims", it says, which I irrationally fear on some level means, "You are going to cash this, and then die from further complications, and it's got nothing to do with us when that happens". It's burgundy and I joked that it's because it's blood money.
I was actually incredibly depressed after I got it out of the mailbox. Just like...this is it. Here we go. It makes me sick to my stomach in a way I don't know how to explain; all of this is just so big. Prioritizing things is so huge right now.
Speaking of which, I would like to say to all of you advice-laden peeps out there...I'm not really asking for your advice. If you're someone I know and love - or at least know of and respect - I will always really value and consider what you have to say, and if you just have good points, I'll at least hear you out no matter who you are. Comments are allowed because I like commentary. But I felt in my last entry like some people thought I was expressly asking for advice, and I'm not. I'm dumping in my journal, because it's cathartic for me and I like knowing it's being communicated to whoever's reading. I'm going to continue to dump in my journal and to share and to allow comments, but, I don't know... I'm sure that we can't please everyone. I know there will be times when (the general) you think we're being stupid. And that's ok. You just go on thinking it to yourself ;) The last thing I want to deal with is some idea that I have to censor myself over the coming months and years so that we don't seem frivolous to people - because, hello, when you've been broke and struggling for your whole life and get a huge chunk of money dropped on you after the worst year EVER, you're gonna do some frivolous stuff! Hopefully interspersed sensibly between responsible stuff.
Anyway...I spent the whole evening depressed, crying sometimes, just miserable like the wind had been knocked out of me. There's something really invalidating and infuriating about this check being the apology or fruition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it, of what I went through last Fall. And something very overwhelming over how to best divide it up, now that that whole tale is done and I'm supposed to move on. I've gone to work and brought home a paycheck in the past: I feel now as though I earned this money, through pain and suffering and struggling and fear. It is below minimum wage.
Grant is so good. When I feel like that, I am less patient with the kids, I avoid phone calls, I refuse to call anyone else. But talking with him is just like it always is. Like thinking inside my own head. When Elise was in the NICU we couldn't stand to talk to anyone else, sometimes, it just felt like such work to communicate...this has been one of those nights that he knows me so well and loves me just as I am to such a degree that I can't help but be terrified of what I'll do when/if he dies.
My kids did help, too. Well, ok, not Isaac, Isaac had one of his full on episodes - he actually scared the hell out of both of us thrashing and screaming and kicking and howling like an insane person...it was a fit brought on by being woken up after falling asleep in the van, but triggered more specifically by being told no, he couldn't have any peeps right then. It was 15 minutes or so of solid full throttle violence and shrieking $#@)(*@!!!. And we don't yell at him, or do anything to intensify it - G did have to restrain or remove him a couple of times, but that's it. I thought he was going to knock a door off it's hinges on more than one occassion, and it makes me really frustrated to see Elise and Jake confused and upset by the way he acts...He was shaking, with bright red ears for quite awhile afterwards. We tried to give him a ton of affection and talk about reacting and feelings and all kinds of stuff...he was cute and articulate the rest of the night. O_O
Elise was a grinning, ticklish bundle of joy, though, fat and happy in my arms, Jake has been talkative and affectionate, and when I went in Ananda and Aaron's room to read to them before bed, they had set up a reading area for me and cleared their mess out of my way and prepared a basket with books they'd like me to choose from. They atually said, "We wanted you to know how much we care about you and that we think of you."
We did not go to Jacksonville as planned, largely because we have gritted our teeth and decided that the ranch is possible, but it's not responsible...we can get it, but we get it with the assumption that although our yard is always a little overgrown and strewn with kid things, and we can't keep up with the laundry, we will somehow be able to maintain 5 acres and a pool with pleasure. And the assumption that because we can buy it, we can afford it, when we don't have a riding lawn mower or a lifetime supply of pool chemicals or a big old maintenance fund or any of that exactly standing by. I mean, we really could maybe get it and be just fine with it and be happy as heck. But maybe we could also get it and end up in foreclosure, or selling it out of desperation, or having it be rundown and getting ratty around us.
Mostly there are too many things it would preclude.
I cannot drink enough water these days. I feel like a glutton for water. We keep a case of bottled waters in the back of the van and I drink one on the way to wherever we're going, sometimes all at one shot.
Financial advisor highpoints:
-I now understand how and why long term investing is safe, but short term investing is risky, and thus that a 34 year variable annuity would be pretty much a sure thing, whereas a 1 year 5% interest bearing money market account would not be.
-We're getting life insurance - well, he is for sure, for me it depends on what the rates will be based on my previous...experiences. I've wished we had life insurance for a long time, but it's something we never got around to.
Financial advisor lowpoints:
-This is a man who is on his second marriage and freely admits he was not around while his son was growing up, because he worked so much, but that he got wealthy that way and now has an estate for his son...which is completely ass backwards from my own priorities, and it showed in every point of the conversation. He also didn't anticipate us wanting to tythe, and generally talked about "people our age" a lot and acted very condescending, albeit (I think) unintentionally - that part is probably related to him teaching college part time, I guess.
-His main deal was being very adamant that we HAVE to invest at least $100,000-$150,000 in our retirement. I mean really, I asked him if there was any smaller amount he could suggest as a minimum to invest now such that it would have time to grow, and he said $100,000 is the least that's worth doing. I just can't imagine that's true. Investing something significant in a retirement fund that we can add to as time passes - that makes sense. I can see the value and importance there. Something like 10-25k. But $100,000? $150,000? He kept saying we have this once in a lifetime opportunity to do this, but we sure do have an awful lot we could do with this money to improve our next 3 decades of life, rather than the 3 after that (which may or may not even occur, and won't feature dependants), you know? I realize this will seem immature to some people, but at 26...I mean how do you make a decision to say, we're going to get a small house, we're going to keep driving one vehicle, we're not going to give back to any of the family and friends that helped us or put the kids in any unnecessary enriching activities - we're not going to pay off all of our current debt or write or travel or anything. We're going to put as much as we possibly can in a vault to grow slowly for the next 34 years so that when we're old, we won't have to work.
Whatever, you know? I'm glad we had the meeting. I think some good did come of it - he got me thinking more seriously about investing for retirement, even if we won't do as much as he suggested, and the life insurance apps have been submitted, so those are good things. I wish he had been more willing to talk about home buying, but that seemed to be very peripheral to him - he said "real estate is not an investment, real estate is a roof over your head". ? I hear him, but...I don't know. If you can leave it to someone when you die, and the value changes over time, and you can sell it for a huge amount of money down the road - if you insure it against damages just in case - I mean, that seems like an investment to me, but I've never claimed to be someone with a lot of background in investing. Financially, anyway.
The check actually came this afternoon. "In Full and Final Settlement of all Claims", it says, which I irrationally fear on some level means, "You are going to cash this, and then die from further complications, and it's got nothing to do with us when that happens". It's burgundy and I joked that it's because it's blood money.
I was actually incredibly depressed after I got it out of the mailbox. Just like...this is it. Here we go. It makes me sick to my stomach in a way I don't know how to explain; all of this is just so big. Prioritizing things is so huge right now.
Speaking of which, I would like to say to all of you advice-laden peeps out there...I'm not really asking for your advice. If you're someone I know and love - or at least know of and respect - I will always really value and consider what you have to say, and if you just have good points, I'll at least hear you out no matter who you are. Comments are allowed because I like commentary. But I felt in my last entry like some people thought I was expressly asking for advice, and I'm not. I'm dumping in my journal, because it's cathartic for me and I like knowing it's being communicated to whoever's reading. I'm going to continue to dump in my journal and to share and to allow comments, but, I don't know... I'm sure that we can't please everyone. I know there will be times when (the general) you think we're being stupid. And that's ok. You just go on thinking it to yourself ;) The last thing I want to deal with is some idea that I have to censor myself over the coming months and years so that we don't seem frivolous to people - because, hello, when you've been broke and struggling for your whole life and get a huge chunk of money dropped on you after the worst year EVER, you're gonna do some frivolous stuff! Hopefully interspersed sensibly between responsible stuff.
Anyway...I spent the whole evening depressed, crying sometimes, just miserable like the wind had been knocked out of me. There's something really invalidating and infuriating about this check being the apology or fruition or whatever-you-want-to-call-it, of what I went through last Fall. And something very overwhelming over how to best divide it up, now that that whole tale is done and I'm supposed to move on. I've gone to work and brought home a paycheck in the past: I feel now as though I earned this money, through pain and suffering and struggling and fear. It is below minimum wage.
Grant is so good. When I feel like that, I am less patient with the kids, I avoid phone calls, I refuse to call anyone else. But talking with him is just like it always is. Like thinking inside my own head. When Elise was in the NICU we couldn't stand to talk to anyone else, sometimes, it just felt like such work to communicate...this has been one of those nights that he knows me so well and loves me just as I am to such a degree that I can't help but be terrified of what I'll do when/if he dies.
My kids did help, too. Well, ok, not Isaac, Isaac had one of his full on episodes - he actually scared the hell out of both of us thrashing and screaming and kicking and howling like an insane person...it was a fit brought on by being woken up after falling asleep in the van, but triggered more specifically by being told no, he couldn't have any peeps right then. It was 15 minutes or so of solid full throttle violence and shrieking $#@)(*@!!!. And we don't yell at him, or do anything to intensify it - G did have to restrain or remove him a couple of times, but that's it. I thought he was going to knock a door off it's hinges on more than one occassion, and it makes me really frustrated to see Elise and Jake confused and upset by the way he acts...He was shaking, with bright red ears for quite awhile afterwards. We tried to give him a ton of affection and talk about reacting and feelings and all kinds of stuff...he was cute and articulate the rest of the night. O_O
Elise was a grinning, ticklish bundle of joy, though, fat and happy in my arms, Jake has been talkative and affectionate, and when I went in Ananda and Aaron's room to read to them before bed, they had set up a reading area for me and cleared their mess out of my way and prepared a basket with books they'd like me to choose from. They atually said, "We wanted you to know how much we care about you and that we think of you."
We did not go to Jacksonville as planned, largely because we have gritted our teeth and decided that the ranch is possible, but it's not responsible...we can get it, but we get it with the assumption that although our yard is always a little overgrown and strewn with kid things, and we can't keep up with the laundry, we will somehow be able to maintain 5 acres and a pool with pleasure. And the assumption that because we can buy it, we can afford it, when we don't have a riding lawn mower or a lifetime supply of pool chemicals or a big old maintenance fund or any of that exactly standing by. I mean, we really could maybe get it and be just fine with it and be happy as heck. But maybe we could also get it and end up in foreclosure, or selling it out of desperation, or having it be rundown and getting ratty around us.
Mostly there are too many things it would preclude.
I cannot drink enough water these days. I feel like a glutton for water. We keep a case of bottled waters in the back of the van and I drink one on the way to wherever we're going, sometimes all at one shot.
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No more advice!
Date: 2008-03-25 01:46 pm (UTC)(anne)
Re: No more advice!
Date: 2008-03-25 03:32 pm (UTC)Re: No more advice!
Date: 2008-03-25 04:56 pm (UTC)(We don't have a windfall, and we have a significantly smaller family than yours, and we live in OK where the cost of living is pretty low, but we also make quite a bit less than you guys and we put almost $5k into our IRA last year, so I bet if that was something you wanted to do it would be doable.)
As I was looking up the annuity stuff I remembered that my church hosted something called Financial Peace University (which was for debt management, so not quite what you need) but it was a national program designed by a guy called Dave Ramsey and one of the main points was to not neglect giving to the church as you were working your way out of debt...I am sure he has a website and it might help you find an adviser who is more in line with your values.
Re: No more advice!
Date: 2008-03-25 06:03 pm (UTC)His website: www.daveramsey.com (http://www.daveramsey.com/)
more advice!
Date: 2008-03-25 09:07 pm (UTC)And he was suggesting you put in $150k? That would leave you being able to take out like $130k a year after retirement without touching the endowment. It does make good investment sense, but not good emotional sense. We're going to live on a shoestring budget while our family could use the money and if we make it to retirement we can live big for our golden years. I could see some people thinking like that, but not you guys.
I would look at how much you think you would like to live on per year during retirement then work backwards to see how much you need to put away now/per year. Did he do those numbers with you? That is what we had to do in college. We didn't have to leave and endowment when we died for our assignment but we couldn't run out of money before we were 100. So earning from 25-60, spending from 60-100, figuring out our yearly budget for houses, kids, expenses, savings, estimated income from your chosen field--a whole imaginary life. My roommate at the time who was in the same class never plans on having children, though she did include college funds for her nieces and nephews and her report had her retiring at 50 and living off the interest for perpetuity. Mine had me not working and having a kid every two years or so for the first decade (basing income off of my then boyfriend, now husband's chosen field) and us barely making the limits for the assignment :-p.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 05:06 pm (UTC)I know what you mean about retirement. It is seriously hard for me to sock away money every month that we can't touch for years that very likely won't even come when there are activities to do for the kids and traveling to do as a family, etc. I see both sides of this dilemma very well...it sucks.
Money is helpful sometimes, but sometimes it is just a big headache.
Praying for your peace about all of it...emotionally and practically. I love Grant. I'm so glad you have him.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 06:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 10:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-26 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 07:56 pm (UTC)To me a new house seems like an incredible investment. The market isn't always going to be this low. One day you could turn around and sell for an incredible profit. I also think that the space and freedom of your own place would be so wonderful for you and the kids.
By the way, pool homes can be overrated. We thought having a pool was heaven when we first bought this house. Chemicals and cleaning aren't that bad (though can be a pain with daily Florida rain). However, the past four years we've had so many issues with our pool, one part breaks and as soon as we fix that another one goes. We haven't actually been able to use it in 2 years now. We've poured so much money into it it's not even funny. The swimming naked and pool parties were fun while they lasted.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-25 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-26 06:17 am (UTC)