Life's been good to me so far

First of all - I just got on Facebook and saw this article -

CDC Advises Breastfeeding during H1N1 Pandemic
Formula is Added Risk in Swine Flu Epidemic.

And I wanted to say, that Grant's job had a verified outbreak of Swine Flu a couple of months back, immediately following which we all got sick with what I am 90% sure was H1N1. The hardest hit were Jake and Elise, as the youngest kids - but they are also the two nurslings. And they did their standard "I'm sick and want to nurse around the clock" thing. And after a couple of days of high fever, and a relapse, and calls to the pediatrician, what kept the ped and us from feeling like we had to run to the hospital, was the nursing. The continuous flow of fluids to prevent dehydration when most kids won't drink anything, as well as the constant flow of antibodies pumped into them.

I'm not usually preachy about this, but, damn. If you or someone you know NEEDS one more reason to breastfeed, here it is.

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Hierarchy of Household Chores According to altarflame

Things I Hate the Idea of Doing But Then Enjoy In Practice
-watering the plants
-putting all library books back where they belong
-my bedroom
-clearing massively piled surfaces

Things That I Don't Enjoy But Are Really Worth It For the Results
-cleaning the toilets
-sweeping
-helping and enforcing cleaning of the kids room
-cleaning the deck up
-math lessons with A and A
-workbook work of any type with Isaac

Things I Just For Whatever Reason Really Love the Process Of
-vaccuming
-using boiling water on the counters
-ironing
-making beds
-folding towels
-cleaning out the fridge
-studying books with them, reading to them, conversations where we topic-jump as they ask more and more leading questions

Things That Aren't That Bad
-loading the dishwasher
-dusting
-clearing clutter off the floor
-overseeing Abeka assignments and handwriting things

Chores That Can Die in A Fire
-general non-towel laundry
-keeping up with filth on walls (WHAT IS UP WITH KIDS AND WALLS?)
-mopping
-taking out trash
-anything involving toilet paper
-and/or toothpaste
-getting Aaron to do anything that is multi-step

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So. Today I have slept in too late while my kids ate a bag of frozen berries for breakfast and amused themselves with board games...note I did not say "played" board games. Then I read a lot more of The Silent Mountain; prayed often; thought about how reading about being holy can in fact be being lazy; wrote a blog entry for the winery for Grant; nursed people; weighed myself and got really happy; heated up two different homemade soups for the kids' and I's lunch; dressed smallest nakedest kids; distributed popsicles, ginger snaps, and orange slices; enforced some chores; did some reading aloud; installed some pigtails; gathered up some laundry from some rooms; successfully got facebook to work after a million failed attempts; and here I am.

I suppose I also had the forethought to get my laptop, cell phone and iPod charging, because very soon I will be getting everyone ready so I can take Ananda and Aaron to their big 3 hour block of dance classes. First I have to study AWANA verses with the little boys. Then when we are up by Dance Empire, Grant is going to meet me from work, we'll trade vehicles, and I'll take the Prius and go write things for Midwifery Today at a Starbucks while he plays taxi driver and makes dinner happen.

I must have spent half an hour studying MT's style sheet, yesterday afternoon. It goes on FOR-EV-ER. And about 30 seconds recording some ideas. I also got most of my office kilz'd, though, so there is that, even if I do have some splatter on my wrists.

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I've been tediously planning out a budget for us over the past week, that includes $100 apiece for Grant and I's birthdays next month. For mine I am thinking tickets to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra in December, and the 2010 Writers Market. Which is FIFTY BUCKS by itself. I may just look at how much the online membership is and what the differences are. And there are (crappy) tickets as low as $25 each, so...I'm still thinking about it.

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Every now and then - like when I'm carving up a freshly roasted chicken with crispy skin and running juices that smells like heaven - this eating plan I'm on is really hard. I mean, like, I can get shaky or almost cry about how hard it is at certain moments. Having the van reek of Pollo Tropical and going to wash my hands to get the plantains off of them rather than licking them clean, that kind of crap. Sometimes it just weighs really heavy on me throughout a period of a few hours. But...

I feel like I can do it. I really, really do. I feel like I connected when I prayed, about dying and upcoming surgery and my ridiculous food issues and also like I was led to this particular program. Through people and other factors. I even feel sometimes like I'm reaping spiritual benefits through the self sacrifice, in addition to probably reversing the diabetes I was almost surely starting to develop and putting less pressure by the day on my entrapped intestines and blah blah blah. It's really peaceful, but in a heavy way, if that makes any sense at all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what changes I would make for the maintenance/life plan, and how to gradually adapt the family's eating to be a little more lined up with it, and what would qualify as enough of an occasion to "break rules" and all of that.

Updated notepad file I go to every morning:
So far on Eat to Live (having last weighed 233 lbs several days before, and noting that mad5 is the 1st day of my period, when I would normally be temporarily up a few pounds)

Morning after day 1 - 229.6
MAD2 - 228.6
MAD3 - 227.4
Mad4 - 227
mad5 - 226.2
mad6 - 225.8
mad7 - 224.2
mad8 - 224.8
mad9 - 224.2
mad9 - 222.6

Sunday I took Ananda, Aaron and Isaac to Mass at 8:00 at Sacred Heart, then came home and the 7 of us all went to City Church. Mass included Here I Am, Lord as the communion hymn, which some people who know me in real life will realize instantly melts me into a gooey puddle. It was just a Good Thing, all around. City Church was fun for the kids - the message gave me a lot to think about. Apparently City Church is operating, as part of some branch or other of Presbyterians, under the assumption that we are living in a post-Christian America and that, as such, their primary job is to reach the unchurched locals (rather than going overseas on mission trips or catering to established Christians who are already here). They seek to do this through creating what sociologists call "the third place", i.e., what Starbucks or the sports bar is to people. This is why they have cooking classes, agnostic art hanging everywhere, and play music that is not specifically categorized as Christian, and they are taking it to the extent of saying, we will have communion and hymns at special believers-only worship services, but in the main this church is for this city, not for us in-crowd Christians. And that we Christians have to be in the culture and not segregated and a whole lot more stuff. I really do believe they're coming from a prayerful and sincere place and that they are doing something good, but I am not always sure if it is something Holy or even big g Good.

Anyway the Catholics were certainly up in the culture and reaching out to the city when they were paying my electric bill and giving me bags of groceries while I was a confused, Protestant, 19 year old single mother. Without any sermons or judgement or even the kind of proof of need that the government programs require.

I've been thinking about this kind of stuff a lot. Catholic Hospice here in the greater Miami area is a free service to people of all faiths, no strings or dirty looks attached. The Vatican has embraced Harry Potter as a story that teaches children that there is a difference between good and evil and that we all face temptations and choices, and that love conquers all and sacrifice and mothers and blah blah blah. Evangelical right-wing so and sos are the ones warning parents their kids will be led astray by J.K.Rowling.

I am, like, 5 minutes from deciding I am becoming a Catholic. I may also keep going to City Church indefinitely in addition, and supporting their ministry, because I certainly was led to God through loving people in a really liberal Protestant denomination who appealed to me as an "unchurched person". I do think that is important. And City Church IS becoming an amazing cultural center, and it's also like 5 blocks away from my house.

I've also finished reading Called Out of Darkness, Anne Rice's "spiritual confession" of her conversion, or really return, to faith. I relate to SO MUCH SHE HAS TO SAY HERE. I know what it's like to question for the reasons she did, to see the ultimate GOOD in non-Christian people with moral compasses that have nothing to do with God, to grapple with gay loved ones vs church teachings and all of it - her faithful explanations of how Christian holidays can tie in with pre-dating Pagan rituals and. Just wow. Not to mention, I read all those Vampire books, and I have made up my own fictional characters, and I can FEEL how intensely difficult it would be to LET GO of something like Lestat, just let go after 8 books and 27 years - after major Hollywood movies and a critically acclaimed Broadway musical and Fan Clubs to your idea by the dozen - and say...that's all. I'm writing for God. Most of my fans will hate it and it's not going to be nearly so easy as slipping into this dark delicious world of yours, but you aren't even real. This is real.

I'm trying to wade through copious amounts of reviews to see whether or not I should read her Christ the Lord series (so far there are two - Out of Egypt and The Road to Cana). On the one hand, I do believe she is coming from a real experience of God to make this decision to write about the Life of Christ with deep research and Orthodox theology backing up her fictional fill in details. On the other hand, Life of Christ + Fictional Fill in details = Does not compute. She's writing in first person AS GOD. The lay people and the clergy both seem split on this, as far as I can tell, some wholeheartedly endorsing and others totally against it.

Meanwhile, I've begun doing things like asking for the intercession of St Jude, patron saint of lost and impossible causes, on behalf of my Nana, and putting the Lives of the Saints on my Amazon wishlist, and trying not to project onto Grant that he sees me as a silly superstitious twit.

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My Pa - my healthy, white Pa, other half of "Nana and" - came down here for a visit. It's the first time he's been back since they sold their house and moved away 5 years ago, and so he was blown away by the enormous amount of new housing and shopping and the expanded hospital and the restaurants and theater and really, there are just whole new sections of town that didn't exist 5 years ago. We have traffic now. Anyway, I spent a lot of Sunday showing him around, having lunch with him at Gusto's, and taking him to visit with Laura and Brian (Frank was on shift). Then most of Monday was spent taking the kids and meeting Laura's family and him at the zoo, where we spent the afternoon, and then having thai food. I posted pics from that zoo trip. The thai food, I do not even know, I am ADDICTED to this panang curry with lamb at Stir Moon, it's a coconut curry full of lime leaves and read chilies that I spoon all over the bowl of brown rice it comes with...*shudders of bliss*

Pa and I had some time spent talking about Nana, and he had a private trip to the cemetary to view their plots (still here from when they bought them years ago before they moved away) and go over paperwork. Mostly though I was so happy to see him able to be cheered up by his grandkids and distracted by good food and willing to laugh at jokes and things. I wish he would consider moving down here.

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Monday night I had a Birthgirlz meeting. It was energizing, and exciting, and FREAKING AWESOME. I'm going to be dropping a stack of handouts out at my old chiropractor's office about this upcoming event they're having - http://birthgirlz.com/UpcomingEvents.html As well as asking him to become a sponsor of it.

AND I'm going to be talking with the bookstore family about having the next Soap Box Derby there.

AND I'm going to talk to Schnebly about sponsoring their fundraising gala, AND talk to the string quartet that plays at City Church about playing there.

AND that "Pusing for VBACs" thing I urged people to donate to awhile ago? Over $10,000 has poured in. They're hiring the litigation attorney, with enough for his retainer and a bit more - they will need more money before it's all over as it's about a $15,000 journey all told. So if you'd like to help them get through this end game with the total, here is the link - http://birthgirlz.com/URGENTActionRequired.html

And/or, if you'd like to help us establish the FIRST Mother-Friendly hospital in Miami-Dade county, you can sign this petition we're working on - Jackson South's maternal care model is currently being revamped so this is the perfect time and they are actually acting receptive, and anyone anywhere can sign this - http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/motherfriendlyinmiami/ PLEASE DO!

AND, I have to find out what if anything Nancy is going to charge us to speak at our Birth Film Festival in February.

AND, they have ACTUALLY GOTTEN A HEAD OF A LOCAL UNIVERSITY TO AGREE TO HAVE MED STUDENTS SHADOW MIDWIVES AND DOULAS AS PART OF THEIR INTERNSHIP HOURS. This is so huge, I teared up with goosebumps when I heard it. What a massive difference it could make.

And...I have to write this whole c/s book because I am tired of telling the story of why I appear to be pregnant to people who gasp with horror and urge me to please, PLEASE WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THIS.

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At that meeting, my friend Michelle gave me a free pass to an advance screening of Julie and Julia for Tuesday night. She somehow got many of these. And I met a big old group of peeps at CocoWalk in the Grove to see it, and sat next to my friend Kristin and laughed my head off during the HOUR we waited for it to start because someone important who had flown in for it was late? Anyway, yeah, the movie was really good, too, and perfect for right then. I had left italian pot roast loaded with (3) onions, (25+ cloves) garlic, (3 crates of) mushrooms, broth and stock and (lots of) basil from the garden baking for hours and hours at 250 degrees after being browned in olive oil, for my family's dinner. So watching AAAaaall those shots of beef bourginon(sp?) had me AMPED to get home and have leftovers. Meryl Streep WAS that woman, she is incredible. Kristin was like, "I want that bag!" "I want that car!" etc, throughout the whole vintage looking movie, and we were moaning at the rasberry cream and recoiling in horror about the beef flavored jello that solidifies in the fridge after you boil a hoof for long enough. Good times.

Then today while Shaun watched the younger 3, Grant and I took Ananda and Aaron to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I should note that yesterday Isaac asked if he could go see it too and I told him I needed to watch it to see if it was too scary first. He said, well, what about Annie and Aaron? I told him that they are so deeply invested at this point that even if they do have nightmares for the next 6 months, it is worth it to them. Both of them were instantly like, "Yep."

They liked it. We all jumped at one point, laughed at others. I cried a little. Aaron got really sad and came out subdued. Annie was walking on air. As usual I am bemused by the spectacle of 3 previously unknown kids who can't really act getting to star in front of millions of dollars of special effects and an INCREDIBLE, widely respected supporting cast. They're doing better, though. Kind of. I was impressed with how much of the book was in it but baffled by the extraneous extra scene they threw in.

Grant and I both burst into hysterical laughter at the ridiculous New Moon trailer, but we are all psyched to see this new Where the Wild Things Are when it comes out. That trailer actually gives me goosebumps. We've been watching the old Scholastic dvd version with barely-animated book pages for years. G was actually coincidentally wearing a WTWTA shirt in the theater today.

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To Conclude:
-Ananda is actually getting to a point now with daily practice where I think we can say "she knows how to ride a bike". This is so long in coming. I'm very proud of her uncharacteristic perseverance - today even when she had a bleeding arm. Well, once she got past her initial near faiting due to seeing her own blood. She walked it for about two blocks, but then rode home with me, even though her face was the wrong color.
-My left wrist has been hurting when used for anything much for a couple of weeks, but has started this new trick where it swells all the way to my fingers or hurts terribly when I'm doing nothing at all. My paranoia coupled with amateur googling has me half-convinced it's diabetes related gout, which would be sucky because, you know, that would mean I am diabetic.
-BUT. I've lost 5 pounds already since quitting sugar and white flour. And I'm being a stickler to bike or walk or somehow excercise every single day. Which aside from making me less fat can also often stop/reverse new cases of diabetes.

The kids and I spent the entire day out today, going from store to store with stops to have lunch on our front porch, to address and send mail, and to eat dinner, and now we are set to start gardening. We really wanted to get a raised-bed system or parts to make one ourselves, but there is just...nothing...at any place we went to. And we were being very inventive, more than ready to use an old-school plastic baby pool even, once we saw that outdoor ponds were too unevenly deep at their centers, (but nobody sells those anymore, now that the giant inflatable pools have taken over...) So Grant is going to bust out the Big Man Tools (TM) and make one, at some point in the next couple of weeks when he's off, and in the meantime we got containers to put seeds and seedlings in for now. They'll probably be reused for flowers or put on freecycle once our permanent setup is in place. There are lots of places online to get raised bed systems or pieces to be assembled, but they're all hundreds of dollars plus shipping, which seems kind of ridiculous to me O_o The sandbox may be delegated as a garden, too, now that the sand is gone (AND GOOD RIDDANCE I WAS SO TIRED OF SAND!).

We're growing red and green bell peppers, and poblano and jalapeno peppers; grape, cherry, roma, heirloom and beefsteak tomatoes; and various herbs, namely mint, oregano, basil and cilantro. These are all things we use in great enough abundance, and that are pricey enough in stores, that I think they make sense to devote some effort and maintenance to. They're also crops that do well in our blazing, incessant sun and heat. Oh, I forgot broccoli! Ananda and Aaron got some strawberries and lavender as their own side project, and are going to research ways to use the lavender (like making satchels or soap or something). She already wants her own etsy store, ever since Gloria taught her how to finger knit she's been a scarf-making fool.

When I consider that we'll be able to go into our backyard for not just vegetables and herbs, as we have at various points in the past, but also EGGS...I eat it up, no pun intended :p How awesome is this? We will have a suburban farm, bwahahaha.

I can imagine myself getting a sheep sometime in the future. To sheer and make yarn from. I mean "10 years from now" future, though...a golden retriever in a couple of years will probably be the only animal addition over the next decade, because while I love having pets around, I really dislike a lot of constant maintenance and the way they complicate road trips...Everything we have now is perfectly fine if we set them up with self-feeders and dissapear for the weekend, and none of them intimidate potential animal-sitters for longer time periods.

Yesterday was also a good day, I got a lot of writing I'm very happy about done while Grant took the kids to the park, and before that they and I just had another good day...and tomorrow we're all set to spend the whole day transplanting seedlings and planting seeds, and researching their "historical characters" - Ananda and Aaron are participating in an event called "Historically Speaking" wherein they learn all about, and then dress up as and get up and talk as though they ARE, some historical character of their choosing. Annie picked Amelia Earhart, and Aaron Harry Houdini.

We also got a mini, cushy toilet seat to fit on a big toilet, for Elise, and a step stool, and she is excitedly making every member of the house go in with her to look at it, in turn, so she can point excitedly and yell, "PEE!" and then point towards where her pee comes out. She has not actually peed on a toilet, ever, but asks me to sit her on one and tries to fairly regularly, so this seemed better than me holding her there while she looks nervous about falling in.

So this is all great, right? Except...

My house is a giant disaster. Every single room is completely trashed. The library table is PILED with books that are slipping off onto the floor as new ones are added, the tv room has megablocks and the contents of a sock basket strewn all over it, the kitchen sink and counters have been swallowed by dishes, the laundry room is an absolute avalanche...etc. Every single room.

And honestly? I don't care that much. We're all happy, it's not a gross mess, we do have clean clothes to wear and the table clean for each meal and furniture available to sit on, and it's not as though ANYONE other than me seems to notice the grit on the tile or smudges on the walls...

But. My Aunt Deana is supposed to be dropping by tomorrow. I see her in the "every couple of years" range, and she's never been to our new house before. *sigh*

I imagine that if I get Isaac to clean out the big closet, Aaron the kids' bathroom, Annie the tv room and library clutter, and Jake and Elise random things I hand them to take to their right places, I could manage to sweep, swiffer, vaccum, do a million dishes, scrub counters, organize shelves and tackle our bedroom in...a couple of hours? :x

I know it has to be done. And I even have some added motivation now because babyslime is demanding a video tour. But uuuuuugggh.

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I'm ordering multi-disk sets of Reading Rainbow and Postcards From Buster from PBS.com tonight, to keep in the van, where we have a dvd player that I've decided is conveniently ok for educational purposes. Both of those shows are beyond words, by the way, and just priceless.

I'm still reading, and reading about, Edna St Vincent Millay in my spare time, i.e., while on the toilet and/or when nursing Elise to sleep in the afternoon. I have enough to read about and by her that I imagine I'll be doing it for awhile. Elise loves it when I get to verse in one of the books, and read it out loud. All of my kids have had such a love for listening to poetry, and yet it still always surprises me when I see it.

It's Lent, and I am aware of that, and I have a devotional book to read one day at a time - Show Me the Way by Orthodox writer Henri J. M. Nouwen - but I am not really giving anything up, this year. And was taken woefully by surprise, by Ash Wednesday. If nothing else comes of this season, this year, at least I am thinking about my faith that much more often, from the awareness that it's happening...

I found an old friend on Facebook and it made me really happy.

I bought this dress while we were at Target on garden detail, and am wearing it now:

I'm using the hangy things in front to tie around my neck, and it works out.

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Food. Hmm.

I have serious emotional eating problems that go way, way back into childhood. Weight Watchers has been surpringly doable for me, because of the way you can work the points system, but. Well. Honesty.

I've been between 223-229 lbs ever since I got out of the hospital last. 2007 totally ballooned my weight, the multiple 6 week recovery periods from surgeries just turned me into some sort of blob...and left me with a lot more emotion to eat over.

When I started WW, I listed my activity level as "mostly standing" and my breastfeeding status as "exclusively nursing", because Grant really didn't think "nursing with supplementation" covered what my 3 year old and 21 month old were sucking down on-demand, daily. That gave me 40 points per day, that I was allowed to consume (a big banana, or slice of turkey bacon, or girl scout cookie, would be 2 points, for reference).

I realized very quickly when I started calculating, that I have been in the habit of consuming over a HUNDRED points per day. And I am admitting on the internet to Anonymous and everyone that my binge eating plays into my intermittent blockage in a big, scary way and my ER trip for the pain was a humiliating turning point.

So. My first month on WW I was allowed 40 points per day, plus 35 weekly flex points to be used at any time throughout the week (but not rolled over). And I cheated a little somewhat frequently. I stayed between 222 and 224 the whole time, which I guess is technically a noticeable improvement. 222-224 for a month after a year of 223-229. Still REEEALLY frustrating when you've more than halved the amount you eat each day, and keep waiting a whole week to weigh in again, just to see the same damned thing. I've been way more active than usual lately, too, to the point that some suggested I could be accumulating muscle (from canoeing for hours, bike riding semi-regularly, more walks, snorkeling for almost an hour, etc)

All of this is totally disgusting to me. Before Elise, I had never even reached 220 when PREGNANT. I was actually 217 the day each of my first 4 children were born, oddly enough. And my jutting, herniated diastasis totally ruins my proportions.

Anyway...I made a decision based on their ages, my energy and time constraints, when my next surgery will be, etc, to scale way back on nursing. Jake is having milk about every other morning at this point, only. Elise is basically nursing when she first wakes up, before her afternoon nap, and before bed, only. Nursing sessions are not exceeding 10 minutes. He is none the worse for wear; she is a little clingier. I changed my ww status to "nursing with supplementation". I also "got real" about how much time I spend driving the van, folding laundry on the tv room floor, sitting on the computer, reading someone a book on the couch, etc, and changed my activity level from "mostly standing" to "mostly sitting". Especially seeings how you can count everything from cleaning to shopping towards more activity points, this is really fair.

My points allowance went from 40, to 33 per day, based on those two changes. I still get the 35 weekly flex points (everyone does) and still earn activity points for activity. I don't think I could have handled it when I first started WW and 40 was so constricting...but after over a month in, it's doable. I just have to think about things. A handful of raw mushrooms or some baby carrots are totally free. Or like if I make roasted cauliflower, steamed broccoli and sliced tomatoes with dinner, those are all free (although the olive oil and smart balance involved add a menial couple of points). And I love all that sort of stuff. I mean, a tall frappuccino with whipped cream and everything is only 7, which I can totally plan ahead for and work in without even dipping into flex points.

So this is my first week "doing it right", I guess, with the lowered point number and really staying within my point allowance. This is only day 4 of the first week of that. But I got on the scale this morning. I'm not "supposed" to get on the scale unless it's my scheduled weigh-in day (monday) but I did, because I am a masochist? Because I like feeling hopelessly frustrated and like even if my life is on the line I will still just eat myself literally to death?

It said 219. TWO NINETEEN.

I never thought I'd be psyched about 219. But wtf, I haven't been under 220 in a year and a half or more.

It just gives me a lot of new motivation and ease for sticking with it. Like, geez, if that is what 4 days on the plan can do, let's bring on some whole months and see what happens.

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Everyone around here is growing so quickly. Isaac is FIVE. I found a picture of all of them together by the tree at Opa's house, the other day, and while Isaac and Jake look almost the same, Elise is a COMPLETELY different little girl, now, and Aaron is very noticeably different, too.

Our chicks already have real feathers on their wings! Instead of just fluff. And Isaac's seeds have turned into real seedlings of several inches, in under a week. A and A and I were just talking in their room about how Hoppy and Shadow (rabbits) were fluffly little round babies and how weird that seems now.

Time, I tell you what.

Because I used to devote most to all of every single day solely to my children, I am constantly feeling mother-guilt for the past few months.

Alright, I started constantly feeling mother guilt in mid-2007. I was mostly emotionally unavailable and somewhat physically unavailable for 3 1/2 weeks after Elise was born, and then extremely distracted and preoccupied with her therapies, medicine dosing, doctor visits, my research about her, etc, for the next couple of months. I did pretty well; I continued to give the other four a lot. I was actually being some sort of martyr as I was DYING two Falls ago; the day before I was checked into the hospital for emergency surgery I drove Annie to ballet and read to everyone before bed and nursed Jake like usual right along with Elise and cooked a good dinner.

But then I was yanked out of my house completely for 10 days. Sat around in a hospital bed watching TLC and wondering if I would live with only adults coming and going for TEN. DAYS. And went back unable to lift my own baby for over a month, or be jumped/climbed on, and it's just never gotten back to where it was before. I've been "self-centered" in a way I never was before...I put it in quotes because a lot of it is involuntary or even horrible, not the sort of vanity self-centeredness typically implies to me...but either way, I'm more centered on ME than I used to be, and less so on the tiny people around me.

In some ways, it's actually a positive shift for us as a family. I really value taking time to go swim, or to write, I've been drawing and obviously counseling is tremendously helpful. All these things really only add up to a few hours a week. But then Grant and I are also increasingly feeling justified in locking ourselves in a room together or ordering everyone else out of the room we're in, for sex but just as often for simple talking without interruptions. We get at least 30 minutes per day, these days, of time sequestered from the children just the two of us behind a closed door - as well as a 5 hour block on Sundays when the nanny comes and we go out and eat and see a movie or whatever we feel like (this is the only time she's still coming, now, aside from being booked in advance for our solo anniversary trip). It's been GREAT for our marriage on soooo many levels. I feel like we really HAVE a relationship separate from the kids. An actual adult relationship that is just about us being in love and wanting to be together that has nothing to do with family responsibilities. <3

Happy as heck in my marriage, getting better all the time personally, social life in general improving...but the ghost of my former self dissaproves and I can't ever quite get used to motherhood not being...everything. I have a lot of kids, after all. They're still quite young. They'll only be that way once. Right?

I just have a totally different paradigm than I used to. Which makes sense in reference to Ananda and Aaron, because they're 8.5 and 7.5 and far more independant. It's perfectly fine for them to spend half the day reading chapter books and playing musical instruments on their own. I'm not sure if it's fair to Isaac, Jake and Elise. Who knows, you know?

I was tallying it up today, though, and I really kind of sell myself short. I was wrapping up the evening feeling very guilty, as per usual, that I don't do nearly as much with them as I used to and am so oriented on grown up things. I've been back in touch with an old high school friend who I still care about a lot this week - there've been several phone calls, I got a letter and am writing her back. No arts and crafts, though, no '3 and up' board games. But the tally, for today:

-I drove Ananda to counseling and back, talking with her all the while both ways, much of it educational about bacteria, hospitals, mosquito-born diseases, tropical climates and safe water, all kinds of stuff.
-got everyone a good lunch and sat with them to eat
-read Jake a book
-endless amounts of nursing, cuddling, diaper changing, snuggling and playing with Elise, who is clingtastic and endlessly affection-hungry throughout the day
-put a movie on for Jake
-stood Jake in the corner once and had a talk with him at least 5 times, mostly for violence towards other kids or cats
-guided everyone through getting their shoes, finding warmer clothes, etc, and (with Grant) took them all out to the everglades for dinner Outside, including me taking the older three on a short little hike down to some water
-on the way, drew A and A a map of Florida with all of "our" points of interest and familiar towns and landmarks on it, and we talked about it
-planned a whole-family 3 day 2 night camping trip for Grant's next block of 4 days off (week after next)
-went in the pet store with only Aaron to find his cat a leash, while we picked up litter and more hay for the bunnies
-read half an HP chapter to A and A after making them and Isaac brush their teeth
-made Jake and Isaac go back to bed a million times
-got Elise to sleep

So that is actually a lot of parenting. It is not as sucky as I feel like it is. I feel the void, though. The void wherein:

-I slept in and everyone scrounged around for bagels or cereal for breakfast on their own, which is all too common lately
-I talked to G on the phone and then drew in my sketchbook, by myself, while Annie was in counseling
-Grant and I escaped to the bedroom alone for half an hour in the afternoon, with Bee Movie on for the kids, while Elise was napping
-I spent about 40 minutes ignoring everyone and researching overnight trips we could take (just the two of us) for Valentine's Day, and contacted my sister about whether she'd like to have that childcare endeavor. I'm all hyped up about Grant and I traveling by ourselves ever since I got the idea for our anniversary. Not for long periods of time, but...for little periods of time ;) A couple of times a year.

Nobody, like, got a bath. The littlest two didn't brush their teeth before bed. There wasn't any formal sit down schoolwork even though it was a schoolday. I somehow missed Isaac completely at almost every turn, though he was with me for the mini-hike and Grant took him out to the store alone for dinner supplies. I don't know what I really think about any of this sort of thing anymore. My thought process goes;

I want my bed back.
I already miss Jake not sleeping with us!
I have to get more rest, and I want privacy with Grant.
Once Elise is out of the bed, that's the LAST CO-SLEEPING BABY out of the bed forever :/
I'm sick of getting woken up over and over.
G and I have never once went anywhere just the two of us, it's high time after 8 years.
But to Jake and Elise it hasn't been 8 years, they might not be ready to be without us for more than 24 hours.
Yet, they'll have their siblings to help in a way the older ones would not have.

Etc.

---

I have the hardest parts of my c-section book done. That is;

-There is a title
-I've organized my ideas and plans into chapter headings and know what I'm putting in, and in what order
-The forward is written, which establishes the tone

It may not sound like much, but it is the fruition of TONS of thought and frustration, and will make it so that the rest will fly by almost on autopilot. This is how I used to write papers for school - 3 times as long for the outline as for the actual filling in of the outline and then some edits and I'd be done.

There is a lot of research to be able to cite sources still in my future, but I can deal with that. Especially since research is something I can do with interruptions, unlike the writing itself.

Also...my collection of short stories is more than half done! And. I really think it's good. That also has a title ;)

And I have a couple of things to submit to magazines after one more edit and an idea for another book that I'm almost having to sit on my hands to not start writing before I finish some other things.

I wish I had more time to write. But I'm not really willing to take it from our family. It's hard...I'm SO hoping the littlest kids' bedtime scheduling transition is done soon, which will free up some nighttime hours for me in a way I can live with. Until then, I'm basically writing on Monday afternoons after therapy and in fits and starts when people seem occupied, or if I'm not too bone tired, once they're in bed.

---

Speaking of once they're in bed. Geez Louise, tonight is a perfect example of "Why I can't lose weight". I've been doing great - eating small frequent meals throughout the early and mid part of the day, and slowing down a lot as it gets later. I did 40 solid minutes of swimming on Monday. I'm drinking a ton of water.

Today had been a good day. A long day, but good. And I had a much earlier dinner than usual, which helped make up for it being a less than stellar meal. I was so tired and we'd been out running around in the Everglades so we had all the kids in bed by like 9:15 (early for them). TWO HOURS later, all five were still awake - Grant had the power cut to our room and A and A's room since he was installing a new ceiling fan, and they claim they can't sleep without their music. Isaac didn't have his blanket, and when I tossed it to him from the doorway after retrieving it, it hit the light fixture on THEIR ceiling fan in a way that made the thing drop like a bomb and shatter on the tile. Grant thinks he didn't tighten it properly after changing the bulb last time. Under Jake and Isaac's beds, in the bunny pen, out to the hallway, there was just glass everywhere. A and A had to take their bunnies out and the light had to be on for me to sweep, sweep again, shake things out, vaccum, vaccum more, sweep again. There was glass DUST in the grout all over the room.

Finally Grant was going to bed. He'd gotten the new fan in, everyone but Jake and Elise were sleeping, he has to get up early tomorrow. I was trying to lay down with Elise with him, and was sooooo sleeeepy, which is rare and precious for me...I have horrible insomnia since this ptsd shit started. So it is really especially irritating to actually feel sleep is possible, and have to get up. But I did. This is over 3.5 hours after bedtime routines were begun.

So I am out here in the big empty main part of the house, with Elise, who is hyper and clingy at the same time - basically, wanting to be actively engaged constantly. Which was fine for the first hour and a half she'd done it before G went to bed and before I was sick of it.

Exhausted. Frustrated. No energy, no end in sight. I always head for the fridge.

I ate a handful of olives. A baby carrot. A leftover hot dog from earlier this evening that we brought back home with us, on the (whole wheat) bun. Quite a lot of chips and dip, which we don't even usually have in the house. One of Grant's carbonated juice pseudo-sodas. Then I got inspired and found the probably-too-old vanilla ice cream in the back of the freezer, filled a bowl with it, and topped it with crumbled graham crackers and sliced strawberries. Which I highly reccomend, btw. All this was in, like, 30 minutes tops. After midnight.

Then Elise went to sleep and I got to stay up with my regret and wish I knew how to make myself puke. Blah. Far too tired to even dream of excercising (it's almost 2 am now).

I know that it's my fault and my problem that I try to cope with tiredness and frustration this way. AND YET, if I had it my way, I would have just went to sleep and been fine. It's so hard this way, the staying up late with one or two stragglers is a HUGE part of my problem (and the resultant sleep deprivation plays hell with my metabolism).

---

Movie Reviews:
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was SO imaginative, creative, original, thought-provoking...so well done in terms of acting and makeup. I cried a little once and laughed several times. AND YET...because the love story was not one I could relate to, the peripheral relationships were kind of eyebrow-raising for me, and the main plot is not really something any of us can relate to - and it was a period film from another time...I don't know, it was just sort of forgettable after all was said and done. I have all this intellectual praise for it but emotionally it didn't really connect. I think it was worth seeing, and better than some other things I've seen lately, just not quite all I expected.

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is something I've seen before, once, years ago, and I was blown away by it then, and again last night. I mean damn, GENIUS. It's just...it blows my mind. And now that I've had a lot more experience being under varying degrees of anesthesia with people talking around me, that aspect was a lot more intense for me. And now that I know a lot more about neurology, that aspect was a lot more engrossing for me. And...yeah. Anyone who has not seen this just MUST. Anyone who has, watch it again!

I have begun to plan meals just for my private yummy leftovers half the time. FOR INSTANCE (because I know you're dying for examples):

That roast I talked about making a couple of weeks ago? I made it again last night, as our One Day Late Christmas Feast, thinking all the while of what I would get to have for breakfast the next day - whole grain bread smeared in disgusting amounts of Smart Balance and loaded with the meat, squishy garlic and luscious soft onions from the liquid (all still cold). Geez Louis this is one of my favorite things in life, no joke. I go to bed fantasizing about it the night before after sticking the leftovers in the fridge.

Likewise, I sometimes lately get a craving for parmesean cheddar mashed potato pancakes, and the only way I can have them is if I make the mashed potatoes the night before.

I continue to make far too much seasoned up ground turkey for taco night every time because I want to be able to stir sliced olives, diced tomato, shredded cheese and salsa into it the next day and eat it on corn chips. Om NOM NOM!

Leftover cooked veggies make for really easy, less-steps omelettes and frittattas the next day.

Anyway, yeah, this is also actually all good for my weight loss, in that I keep myself from tearing through all the leftover food hours after dinner, in the night, by planning what I'll do with it the next day.

The insane thing is that I think that my own curbed compulsive overeating is actually lowering our family of 7's grocery bill significantly :x

Tonight ends 4 days in a row off for Grant. It was a nice recharge for me, featuring among other things:

-Spending about 3 hours out with just him and Ananda, playing arcade games and hanging around talking at Starbucks
-having a shower all by my damn self
-finally going to the ENT and getting my ears properly treated
-running around a track, first running I've done in forever
-brisk walking (with a double stroller no less) for almost a solid hour - it's almost impossible to walk as excercise with the quantity and ages of kids I have now
-finally getting to the dentist, cleaning and check-up and x-rays and most importantly, the two fillings I needed.
-eating something delicious and healthy that he cooked
-getting a couple of consecutive uninterrupted hours to write. I'm really excited about some of the short stories I'm amassing.

( sex rant )

I'm trying to lose weight in earnest. I've actually cut out refined sugar and white flour for a couple of weeks now, along with G, who's been eating this way successfully for a couple of months and has the smaller pants to prove it. The physical activity feels good too: I really want to keep it up. I don't want to feel disabled or in recovery anymore. I'm feeling fed up with not being able to do anything about my abs because of this diastastis and worrying all the time about messing my hips up worse, I mean damn, how is a girl supposed to do anything in these conditions? With the hips I'm settling on stretching a lot before and after, getting back on a chiropractic regimen and sitting on the excercise ball as much as possible. With the belly, well, I'm just focusing on aerobic excercise for now. I kind of have to resign myself to future surgery as part of an overall plan or else I will get very depressed and give up, because really, my arms and legs getting thinner while I continue to look 6 months pregnant without a support garment on is not really my cup of tea.

I'm gradually getting to a point where I think that if there were an easy way to work out the down time, I would have the surgery immediately. To be over it. I would be terrified when it actually came time, and think horrible things and pray copiously, but just to be freaking OVER this and have my normal range of motion back and get dressed like a normal person...would be nice. Really nice. So, I can see it as "I'm losing weight so that the surgery will be safer and more effective in, say, a year or something when I have it...and hey, then I'll be HOT." :p

Honestly, though, I don't know how we'll ever work out this down time thing. I mean from what I've read, with a full on tummy tuck with the muscles and skin and everything, you basically need 6 weeks flat on your back. I guess I could tentatively think of it as Summer of 2010? Elise would be 3, Jake 4 1/2, Isaac 6, Aaron and Annie just turning 8 and 9. Grant could take his 2 weeks of paid leave for the year along with some unpaid time we somehow budgeted for? Maybe my mom could come and/or sister help? Still doesn't sound ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but far more doable than this situation with a barely 1 year old, a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 year old, etc...Theoretically nobody would be nursing, everyone would be potty trained and we'd have the bed to ourselves at least most nights. *sigh*

Ok, I have since typing those last couple of paragraphs totally backtracked due to lovely links like these:
http://www.tuckthattummy.com/abdominoplasty_risks.htm
http://www.tuckthattummy.com/drains_removal.htm
http://www.newimage.com/cosmetic-plastic-surgery/abdomen/tummy-recovery.aspx

Those are just the cream of the crop. Bottom line: perhaps wearing a sausage casing for the rest of my life is not so bad after all :/


I still have horrific recurring nightmares about twice a week. About warped and twisted versions of hospitals with staff blown totally out of reality and into my worst hormonal birthing fears. I spend the days after they happen uneasy, thinking I need therapy even though my waking life is just fine. "Lost" does not help, with it's underground, make-shift medical rooms and mysterious, agenda-driven "others" that steal pregnant women away. *shuddering unontrollably and changing subject*



I really set out to write a happy entry. Blah.

This is a list of things I would really like to accomplish in 2007. I'm not sure that it's the same as resolutions, really, more like a to-do list, but a hopeful one because a lot of it is contingent on outside forces or variables I can't forsee. And I'm not putting anything on here that is already a total given, i.e., keep all the kids fed or continue to homeschool A and A, or whatever. I'm trying to put them in priority order, starting with, "OhpleaseGodletthisbe OhpleaseGodletthisbe OhpleaseGodletthisbe" and ending with "That would be nice".


1. Have a healthy baby in a way that is free from medical and legal complications.

2. Make a decision I feel solid about, and Grant and I can both live with happily, and either convert to Catholicism or find another church that I can consider a real "church home" and feel good about taking the kids to.

3. Maintain the newly forged contact I've made with my dad's side of the family and a few olds friends, as well as REALLY keeping in touch with Nana and Pa all year long, and not just around Christmastime. Sidenote - I think I've maybe finally forgiven them for moving away.

4. Improve my math skills enough to not need remedial algebra classes, and test out of taking English 1 altogether. This requires me being proactive enough to study math quite a lot, and proactive enough to schedule a testing date and make it, for english.

5. Lose weight again like I did before Jake, after I've delivered.

6. Earn 12 more college credits, between Spring and Fall semesters combined, and with good enough grades that maybe I could actually shake off this academic probation I'm on from dropping out when Annie was a baby.

7. Start entertaining here, rather than always hoping someone or somewhere will have something entertaining going on for us to go to. A dinner party, a movie party and a Thanksgiving some relatives come to would be a good start.

8. Find an agent and/or publish my book


*it's taken me far too long to put those in order. In the end I just thought about how I'd feel if I didn't accomplish this or that, and it became a little easier.