All over the place.
Jan. 10th, 2009 12:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI've been having a great deal of fun oohing, aahing and squeeing over a close friend's blog reports of her suddenly-more-explosive sex life. We've exchanged dozens of detailed comments that make me giggle, question myself, explain myself, and then hash it all out with Grant later.
It's serendipidously coincided with me also having a suddenly-more-explosive sex life, which makes the hashing out with Grant and the explaining myself all the more interesting. I didn't realize how much I missed having someone in real life to gush to about...positive experiences (JESS! Jess, I miss you!).
I've had people on lj talk in depth about sex before, but they've been either way more or way less experienced than me, or had a different mindset, or orientation, or whatever. So I can kind of relate or I can scroll on by but it hasn't clicked the way this has - because she is also in a long term monogamous hetero marriage with a ton of trust and communication, and also hasn't "played the field" or had some wild college days or whatever else that so many other people have. And we both have trust and boundary issues because of how we grew up, and a lot of thoughts about spirituality and vulnerability and how they relate to sex.
Writing about sex in detail here, in my journal, MYSELF, has never really seemed like an option. Filtered or otherwise, it's just...unappealing. The only time I really consider sex talk at all (usually) is when I want to take some sort of poll, or get input, on something that is peripheral to the actual sex part(some of that sort of thing will be forthcoming).
I had an insanely productive day, today. I:
-cleaned the HELL out of the tv room...the kids had taken half an hour I was busy with phone calls to dump out an entire box of cereal and bag of almonds, grind bananas into the carpet, and this was all on top of the general smattering of lincoln logs and megablocks and when I discovered it all, Jake was standing on the footstool shredding paper on top of everything...ARGH
-spent an insane amount of time exerting consistent discipline, settling disputes, enforcing chores, changing diapers, re-dressing Jake, cleaning mysterious puddles, getting people drinks, getting Elise down for a nap, encouraging Aaron at the piano, giving Isaac affection, nursing Elise, etc.
-ordered the box spring we need (there was a lot of cost comparison and delivery time hoohaw to muddle through here)
-went to the bank and disputed (MORE!!!) fraudulent charges - Laura came over to make that a bit easier so I could go alone
-spent about an hour combing through our old magazines with Ananda for things we can use in collage ideas we have
-found the ideal fabric for our bed canopy, and ordered it (this took a ridiculously long time...the finding part)
-took all the kids to the grocery store (lack of food options was getting a bit awful)
-made a good dinner at a decent time
-washed dishes and cleaned counters
-made the appts for my exam and consult re: the IUD. I still feel uneasy about that. But also hopeful. I had to get a referral because my primary doesn't insert IUDs.
-got a SHOWER. A SHOWER!! I hate what a commodity showers can start to seem like for me.
And I'm starting to ponder often about my adult self and how much my kids should know about her. I know that there are people on my friends' page who would think it was VERY healthy and beneficial for kids to grow up knowing their parents have a good sex life. And others who would have a hard time even admitting to the kids that sex is something they've ever done with Daddy, at least directly and in so many words. Now that Ananda and Aaron understand so much, it gets weird - when I tell Laura to come look at my new lamp, and we laugh about how much easier it is to pick things out now that Grant has shown me that my taste in decor is all just "Sex den", and then we see Annie behind her listening in with a look that implies she's a part of the conversation... It's relatively harmless. But it's new. And it's weird. And. I dunno. I got this mouse pad out with Grant at a novelty store where we also got Shaun an extendable fork to steal food off of peoples' plates, and Annie a tea set - the mouse pad has a pin-up style vintage looking cartoon girl on it and it says, "For a good time, click here!" I thought it was cute, he bought it for me, we put it at my desk in the office with my big old antique telephone...and it's weird, now, for Annie to be sitting in my office chair and examining it when I walk in there. *sigh*
I'm CONSTANTLY realizing they're listening to G and I, or having to send them away so we can talk, whether it be about personal problems a relative is having or us being all blushy while he nibbles on my neck and prods me to say...who knows what O_o
I don't think we should forgo all affection in central areas of the house (especially co-sleeping with one to three small kids every night, good grief...) but it also gets frustrating for me trying to juggle Aaron's analyzing expression over the bar with the erotically charged atmosphere in the kitchen.
I'm just a really sexual person in general. It's hard for me to be around Grant with anyone else and "turn that off". We don't take things past neck nibbling or "go out of here so me and mommy can talk" stuff, in front of them. And it's great that now that Elise will play well with Isaac and Jake, and Annie and Aaron can warn us if the house is burning down, we can go hide in the bedroom in the evening with the door locked for 20 or 30 minutes, albeit with one ear turned towards the house and knowing we could have to run out at a moment's notice.
But I have Annie giving me this SQUINTY EYED LOOK when I come out of the room! It makes me feel...well...like I shouldn't be looking all stoned-happy with messed up hair O_o
I have a feeling I'm going to be in for it when they're teenagers. I can already hear the snide remarks and sarcastic grossed out commentary outside our door. It makes me want to move somewhere with a split floor plan :p
Feel free to give me your opinions or experiences on this kind of thing. I remember walking in on my parents as a kid, and overhearing some sex talk between them another time, and it not freaking me out or being bad at all - a little embarassing in the moment but quickly forgotten and later looked back on as very normal. My sister even recalls walking in on our dad watching porn in his room and him shooing her out, but then coming out right behind her and giving her a really direct explanation ("That's something some grown-ups like to watch other grown-ups do, but it's not for kids" or something like that) before asking what she needed and proceeding as normal, and it was totally cool with her. She was like, oh ok, and never thought about it again until she was an adult thinking how well he handled it. I know my best high school friend Kathy used to be almost condescending about how her parents "were so having sex every Sunday afternoon" and were "so cute" and she hoped she still "had it that good at 50".
Then I remember an x's crazy mom making all kinds of racket in the middle of the night to where he'd be yelling across the hall for her to shut up, and throwing sneakers through their doorway at them, as a high schooler :x I so don't want to be that mom.
But I so have a problem...with...noise...
On a surprisingly unrelated note, I am really, REALLY unhappy about how I cannot accept my body as it is OR stop eating constantly OR start excercising frequently. Everything is too hard, damnitt!
I am not just an emotional eater, I'm a compulsive eater, and every passion I have - writing, reading, knitting and crochet, sewing, homeschooling my kids - is largely sedentary. I like to cook? I think the extra calories in that hobby cancel out the small amount of moving my body around ;) I really don't USE my body, except through nursing and...you know :p
I am kicking around the idea of joining Weight Watchers. Grant says he would do it with me. I'm torn right now about whether I need a catalyst like that, or whether the problems I have (sedentary lifestyle, can't stop eating even when I know I've had enough) won't be helped by a point system or a meeting. I am on the verge of other positive changes in this area...I've been studying yoga to try to get a home practice going, I talked with my sister about watching my kids a time or two per week so I can go swim at the Y, and I've begun going for long power walks some of the mornings Grant is off, before breakfast. I've drastically increased my water intake. So...should I continue as I am and get back on the God-not-food train that was helping me before, or do I really need the accountability of a system like WW?
I've thought some tonight about whether or not it would be really helpful to me to do it all on this journal. Public. Like, pictures, weight, measurements, food logs. Would that be accountability? Or would I just want to die, screw up my lj completely and then not make any real changes? Sure is free-er than WW. And...drastically more embarassing.
My therapist suggested Overeaters Anonymous, which makes me want to die. I realize just how vain and awful I am, thinking, I do not want to go hang out with a bunch of people who go to an OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS meeting. I don't want to BE one of those people. I looked on the website tonight and was relieved that there's no meeting anywhere in my county anyway - makes it easier to say I "can't" do that.
The thing is, I've had some major uncontrollable things in my life alter my metabolism and size...surgeries and recovery periods last year, along with weeks of NOT eating from worry over Elise, have left me WAY heavier than I've ever been in my adult life even when about to give birth :x And so I HAVE to lose weight. I have a hereditary predisposition to diabetes, I have a surgery I've gotta get for my stomach somewhere down the line that is far safer at a healthy weight, I have a WHOLE CLOSET full of clothes I can't wear :/ I know I don't have any choice but to lose some weight.
And every night I sit around binging and thinking about what I'll do about that, tomorrow. *sigh*
I've started drawing some things. With colored pencils. On the one hand, they are childish and poorly executed, definitely not works of art. On the other, they help me, and I think they're somewhat interesting if for no other reason than the wack subject matter I'm dealing with.
And that's another thing - I left a drawing on my desk and there isn't anything "wrong" with it, really, but Annie went in and she was talking to Aaron about it, and, I hadn't really intended it for them and...blah. It's just me, from the side, from the neck down, naked...with a baby and my intestines and a rose coming out of a flap at the bottom of my scarred up stomach. ...They see my belly cast? They know I'm in counseling, and why! This is what I mean. To what degree do most people think you need to censor yourself to not screw up your kids? Your kids who say things like, "I'm gonna go make sure those bunnies aren't having sex while we aren't looking." Isaac is still happily oblivious to anything that doesn't directly concern him and Jake and Elise only see me and Daddy getting close together as a reason to be jealous and try to cram between us.
It's serendipidously coincided with me also having a suddenly-more-explosive sex life, which makes the hashing out with Grant and the explaining myself all the more interesting. I didn't realize how much I missed having someone in real life to gush to about...positive experiences (JESS! Jess, I miss you!).
I've had people on lj talk in depth about sex before, but they've been either way more or way less experienced than me, or had a different mindset, or orientation, or whatever. So I can kind of relate or I can scroll on by but it hasn't clicked the way this has - because she is also in a long term monogamous hetero marriage with a ton of trust and communication, and also hasn't "played the field" or had some wild college days or whatever else that so many other people have. And we both have trust and boundary issues because of how we grew up, and a lot of thoughts about spirituality and vulnerability and how they relate to sex.
Writing about sex in detail here, in my journal, MYSELF, has never really seemed like an option. Filtered or otherwise, it's just...unappealing. The only time I really consider sex talk at all (usually) is when I want to take some sort of poll, or get input, on something that is peripheral to the actual sex part(some of that sort of thing will be forthcoming).
I had an insanely productive day, today. I:
-cleaned the HELL out of the tv room...the kids had taken half an hour I was busy with phone calls to dump out an entire box of cereal and bag of almonds, grind bananas into the carpet, and this was all on top of the general smattering of lincoln logs and megablocks and when I discovered it all, Jake was standing on the footstool shredding paper on top of everything...ARGH
-spent an insane amount of time exerting consistent discipline, settling disputes, enforcing chores, changing diapers, re-dressing Jake, cleaning mysterious puddles, getting people drinks, getting Elise down for a nap, encouraging Aaron at the piano, giving Isaac affection, nursing Elise, etc.
-ordered the box spring we need (there was a lot of cost comparison and delivery time hoohaw to muddle through here)
-went to the bank and disputed (MORE!!!) fraudulent charges - Laura came over to make that a bit easier so I could go alone
-spent about an hour combing through our old magazines with Ananda for things we can use in collage ideas we have
-found the ideal fabric for our bed canopy, and ordered it (this took a ridiculously long time...the finding part)
-took all the kids to the grocery store (lack of food options was getting a bit awful)
-made a good dinner at a decent time
-washed dishes and cleaned counters
-made the appts for my exam and consult re: the IUD. I still feel uneasy about that. But also hopeful. I had to get a referral because my primary doesn't insert IUDs.
-got a SHOWER. A SHOWER!! I hate what a commodity showers can start to seem like for me.
And I'm starting to ponder often about my adult self and how much my kids should know about her. I know that there are people on my friends' page who would think it was VERY healthy and beneficial for kids to grow up knowing their parents have a good sex life. And others who would have a hard time even admitting to the kids that sex is something they've ever done with Daddy, at least directly and in so many words. Now that Ananda and Aaron understand so much, it gets weird - when I tell Laura to come look at my new lamp, and we laugh about how much easier it is to pick things out now that Grant has shown me that my taste in decor is all just "Sex den", and then we see Annie behind her listening in with a look that implies she's a part of the conversation... It's relatively harmless. But it's new. And it's weird. And. I dunno. I got this mouse pad out with Grant at a novelty store where we also got Shaun an extendable fork to steal food off of peoples' plates, and Annie a tea set - the mouse pad has a pin-up style vintage looking cartoon girl on it and it says, "For a good time, click here!" I thought it was cute, he bought it for me, we put it at my desk in the office with my big old antique telephone...and it's weird, now, for Annie to be sitting in my office chair and examining it when I walk in there. *sigh*
I'm CONSTANTLY realizing they're listening to G and I, or having to send them away so we can talk, whether it be about personal problems a relative is having or us being all blushy while he nibbles on my neck and prods me to say...who knows what O_o
I don't think we should forgo all affection in central areas of the house (especially co-sleeping with one to three small kids every night, good grief...) but it also gets frustrating for me trying to juggle Aaron's analyzing expression over the bar with the erotically charged atmosphere in the kitchen.
I'm just a really sexual person in general. It's hard for me to be around Grant with anyone else and "turn that off". We don't take things past neck nibbling or "go out of here so me and mommy can talk" stuff, in front of them. And it's great that now that Elise will play well with Isaac and Jake, and Annie and Aaron can warn us if the house is burning down, we can go hide in the bedroom in the evening with the door locked for 20 or 30 minutes, albeit with one ear turned towards the house and knowing we could have to run out at a moment's notice.
But I have Annie giving me this SQUINTY EYED LOOK when I come out of the room! It makes me feel...well...like I shouldn't be looking all stoned-happy with messed up hair O_o
I have a feeling I'm going to be in for it when they're teenagers. I can already hear the snide remarks and sarcastic grossed out commentary outside our door. It makes me want to move somewhere with a split floor plan :p
Feel free to give me your opinions or experiences on this kind of thing. I remember walking in on my parents as a kid, and overhearing some sex talk between them another time, and it not freaking me out or being bad at all - a little embarassing in the moment but quickly forgotten and later looked back on as very normal. My sister even recalls walking in on our dad watching porn in his room and him shooing her out, but then coming out right behind her and giving her a really direct explanation ("That's something some grown-ups like to watch other grown-ups do, but it's not for kids" or something like that) before asking what she needed and proceeding as normal, and it was totally cool with her. She was like, oh ok, and never thought about it again until she was an adult thinking how well he handled it. I know my best high school friend Kathy used to be almost condescending about how her parents "were so having sex every Sunday afternoon" and were "so cute" and she hoped she still "had it that good at 50".
Then I remember an x's crazy mom making all kinds of racket in the middle of the night to where he'd be yelling across the hall for her to shut up, and throwing sneakers through their doorway at them, as a high schooler :x I so don't want to be that mom.
But I so have a problem...with...noise...
On a surprisingly unrelated note, I am really, REALLY unhappy about how I cannot accept my body as it is OR stop eating constantly OR start excercising frequently. Everything is too hard, damnitt!
I am not just an emotional eater, I'm a compulsive eater, and every passion I have - writing, reading, knitting and crochet, sewing, homeschooling my kids - is largely sedentary. I like to cook? I think the extra calories in that hobby cancel out the small amount of moving my body around ;) I really don't USE my body, except through nursing and...you know :p
I am kicking around the idea of joining Weight Watchers. Grant says he would do it with me. I'm torn right now about whether I need a catalyst like that, or whether the problems I have (sedentary lifestyle, can't stop eating even when I know I've had enough) won't be helped by a point system or a meeting. I am on the verge of other positive changes in this area...I've been studying yoga to try to get a home practice going, I talked with my sister about watching my kids a time or two per week so I can go swim at the Y, and I've begun going for long power walks some of the mornings Grant is off, before breakfast. I've drastically increased my water intake. So...should I continue as I am and get back on the God-not-food train that was helping me before, or do I really need the accountability of a system like WW?
I've thought some tonight about whether or not it would be really helpful to me to do it all on this journal. Public. Like, pictures, weight, measurements, food logs. Would that be accountability? Or would I just want to die, screw up my lj completely and then not make any real changes? Sure is free-er than WW. And...drastically more embarassing.
My therapist suggested Overeaters Anonymous, which makes me want to die. I realize just how vain and awful I am, thinking, I do not want to go hang out with a bunch of people who go to an OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS meeting. I don't want to BE one of those people. I looked on the website tonight and was relieved that there's no meeting anywhere in my county anyway - makes it easier to say I "can't" do that.
The thing is, I've had some major uncontrollable things in my life alter my metabolism and size...surgeries and recovery periods last year, along with weeks of NOT eating from worry over Elise, have left me WAY heavier than I've ever been in my adult life even when about to give birth :x And so I HAVE to lose weight. I have a hereditary predisposition to diabetes, I have a surgery I've gotta get for my stomach somewhere down the line that is far safer at a healthy weight, I have a WHOLE CLOSET full of clothes I can't wear :/ I know I don't have any choice but to lose some weight.
And every night I sit around binging and thinking about what I'll do about that, tomorrow. *sigh*
I've started drawing some things. With colored pencils. On the one hand, they are childish and poorly executed, definitely not works of art. On the other, they help me, and I think they're somewhat interesting if for no other reason than the wack subject matter I'm dealing with.
And that's another thing - I left a drawing on my desk and there isn't anything "wrong" with it, really, but Annie went in and she was talking to Aaron about it, and, I hadn't really intended it for them and...blah. It's just me, from the side, from the neck down, naked...with a baby and my intestines and a rose coming out of a flap at the bottom of my scarred up stomach. ...They see my belly cast? They know I'm in counseling, and why! This is what I mean. To what degree do most people think you need to censor yourself to not screw up your kids? Your kids who say things like, "I'm gonna go make sure those bunnies aren't having sex while we aren't looking." Isaac is still happily oblivious to anything that doesn't directly concern him and Jake and Elise only see me and Daddy getting close together as a reason to be jealous and try to cram between us.
