Friday (a teacher's work day for the school kids), I spent the first half of the day feeling like I was about to have an accident, or sitting on the toilet irritated that I could only force myself to pee approximately 3 drops. This was a rapidly escalating situation that had started to be annoying on Wednesday but hadn't previously
taken over my life. Friday, it was neverending anxiety and discomfort that was distracting enough that I felt incapable of studying, or cleaning, or basically anything but orbiting the bathroom and scouring WebMD.
At one point Elise and I walked up to the bank to get a money order, which is about a 1/2 mile walk - I (barely, sort of) peed before we left, did kegels the entire way there, peed(ish) in their bathroom, did kegels the entire way home, ran back to our bathroom, aaaaand saw blood. I was like, ok, MAYBE this is not urethra oriented? Maybe it's not about peeing? Maybe? But then the next time I had to go (you know...7 minutes later when I couldn't stand it anymore), I was careful in my inspection and, yeah, it was "from there." Tiny amounts, but peeing blood is not something I have any experience with or feel even a little bit ok about.
My doctor's office isn't open after noon on Friday, and the local Urgent Care places are out of network for Cigna. So I went to the stupid ER, and spent hours waiting around for the lab to get results on my urine. They were all really nice, honestly, and I got in quickly, and Grant was able to come home from work early. I had an outlet for my phone, so hey. When I peed in the cup, there was way more blood and I tried to just take a deep breath like, "I am currently in the hospital. This will be ok. This is why I'm here." Anyway, it was/is my first UTI. The nurses acted amazed that I made it to 33 years old without a UTI. So here I am on antibiotics again for the second time in just a few months. What can you do, I guess... Also taking a ton of probiotics so I don't have to tell you all about another yeast infection, and chugging tons of water constantly, sometimes with cranberry pills, to possibly be rid of this bs faster...
I think I haven't been drinking nearly enough water, lately, especially considering how much coffee I drink when I first wake up and that I have a glass of wine almost every night in the evening. I know from a friend and female relatives who get UTIs all the time that they pee after sex, which is not something I've ever even thought about? Hopefully I can just go back to drinking enough water, and easing up on the caffeine/alcohol, and all will be well.
Saturday I was scheduled to be on the Rink Rash Radio show I linked here previously - and YouTube put that back up for some reason I don't understand. So you
can watch that if you feel like it. I considered not going, because I woke up tired and really not wanting to squirm around in my seat dying of discomfort in the studio for an hour, but Annie was counting on me for a ride and the team had it planned that I would be a guest and Grant would call in, and I felt a little better - I had this pyridium stuff that makes your bladder stop spasming and numbs your urethra, until your antibiotics work, with bonus bright red/orange pee, and it's pretty effective. Plus, it functions as an anti-anxiety med, since with the red/orange effect you can't see if you're still peeing blood (yay?). So we went. It didn't end up being too bad, and the show itself was a lot of fun. I was glad I went. They were thrilled with everything I had to say, which is cool. Annie and I went to lunch afterward.
That night, Grant and I drove up to an improv comedy show, with no idea what to expect. He's been talking about trying stand up for awhile and we used to be big "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" fans. It ended up being pretty good - a few points that drug, but also lots of laughing out loud, and it was fun overall. Tons of audience participation. The place was full of good energy, if that makes any sense. And, for liking their page on fb during an intermission, I was randomly picked to come up and get free tickets to a future show :)
Then we went on a dumb mission that involved paying for parking twice, walking right out of a place that was WAY too loud, and finally settling at a place that was outside and had an interesting menu, but was way too expensive. I was freezing (since it was an arctic 70 and I AM A TROPICAL CREATURE), and tired, but Grant was sweet and talking was good. Food was ok - we get in a situation A LOT where we go out somewhere to eat, and it's not as good as the things we cook at home. To some degree the experience and not having to do anything are worth it, but other times it's just disappointing. Still came home happy overall. After I scrubbed them, Grant gave me a foot massage that was just...ecstasy.
Sunday, we had to take Isaac up to (clarinet) mentoring at UM. He likes his mentor and is into it. We were distributing derby propaganda everywhere we went, too. We took him to the farmer's market afterward, which is heaven - and made the restaurant the night before seem even more overpriced and lackluster. We ran into Mia and her parents, and our old neighbors, in addition to all the vendors we know and love :)
If you ever go to Pinecrest Gardens Farmer's Market, the Imperial Roasts booth there has THE BEST iced coffee - it is hands down the best coffee I've ever had in my life. It is so good that I was drinking it with my damned UTI, I just chugged a whole glass of water before and after and made sure it was my only coffee of the weekend. The woman that runs that booth is SO sweet, and warm, and just fucking perfect. She sells bagged coffee too and we've asked what she uses in the iced coffee, but she won't tell us. "It's a special blend." Clearly, it's witchcraft. Voodoo. And, probably, cream.
Also at the farmer's market, I was flagged down by
the sausage lady, because they'd used my pun in their latest silly booth poster, which means I won a free breakfast sandwich. They're breakfast sandwiches are TO DIE FOR. Thick cut, fresh bacon on brioche with perfectly fried eggs and lotsa cheddah. Normally $7, so hey. The pun was "Don't go bacon my heart," which is now displayed with a picture of Elton John.
Later in the afternoon, Grant took the 4 kids who are now in derby up to derby practice. I took Jake for a walk. It ended up being almost ridiculously epic. We saw puppies (behind a chain link fence with their mama dog), kittens (running around - they're fed ferals...) and chicks galore (in an avocado grove where they also keep chickens). The sunset was not fucking around, either, and somehow we ended up having this whole existential talk - Jake can just drop bombs on you. On this walk he said, "I just don't understand what the point of living is. You go to school, you go to college, you work, and you die. You die at the end no matter what and then you're dead, so what's the point?"
It was a long talk. About making art and having babies, about friends and travelling, and beauty around us, and the value of experiences even when they end - as well as all the different religious and scientific theories about what death even is. The legacies we leave behind. This talk featured me attempting to express to him what a big silhouetted tree against the colorful darkening sky does for me, and actually weeping like a ninny. He chuckled at me and put his arm around my waist. He is great.
He also said, at one point, "When you die, I'm going to have a heart attack. Then we'll be together?" I could tell this was actually heavy for him, though he was trying to act light hearted. I talked about life expectancies, and some of my very old Cuban relatives, and what actually sort of helped him was the idea (that had never occurred to him) of how old HE would be, by the time I was really old.
I was exhausted by Sunday night, but this woman down the street, who is pretty cool, had been texting me since Thursday to try to take Isaac to her house, and drop her daughter off with us - there are a lot of friendships between our groups of kids and we have pretty compatible parenting styles. They all love each other. I have a hard time with her kids and feel very shitty for it because she's so hospitable and generous with mine. She's had Isaac, Jake and Elise at her house for more than 24 hours more than once, and she's had Isaac for days on end when it's summer vacation. She feeds them pretty well, takes them out to fun places, and always tells me how impressed with them she is. *sigh* I just don't enjoy being with most other peoples' kids. It's something I struggle with. Her house/their house/whatever is this very free and easy, "more the merrier" kind of place, and I always WANT to be that way... But I only really manage it with teenagers and adults :/
When her youngest comes over (this daughter that spent the night Sunday), she talks SO. LOUDLY. I can hear her talking in our tv room when I'm in our bedroom - that's like, 4 rooms and a hallway away, around 2 corners, and the tv room is carpeted and has pocket doors. My kids can't hear me when they're in there and I
call for them, from my room. Being in the same room with her is
earsplitting. As in, it actually echoes off the tile. And she's one of those kids who just interrupts and talks over everyone constantly with a lack of self awareness, as a way of existing from moment to moment, which is something I tediously correct ANY TIME my kids do it, because that makes me nuts. But, she's also a kid who will freeze and then burst into sobbing over the littlest things. So like, when Grant very gently asked if she could please lower her voice a little? Or when he asked again, an hour later? Or when he tried to have a talk with her about inside voices and how it was getting late, an hour after that? I finally was like, "please just stop, she's going to leave traumatized or something. For whatever reason she just can't follow those directions or cope with you giving them." I think talking really loud and interrupting a lot are things you can't just ask someone to stop doing when it's deeply ingrained stuff they've always done. This is a fourth grader though, so she's probably just destined to be a much more loud and extroverted adult than I am.
On a previous sleepover, Grant was playing music they were dancing to, and when he picked "Gangnam Style" she ran to the other end of the house and slammed/locked herself behind a door, sobbing and (really) screaming. When I finally coaxed her out and asked what was wrong, she said the song reminded her of a friend that "ended badly."
She's not a bad kid, at all. Just kind of thoughtlessly rude by "quiet people" standards, and extremely sensitive. It all makes me tired. She gets along great with Jake and Elise, who take turns with her and seem to naturally take little breaks to chill on their own. I kind of get the picture that she does better with younger kids. She's almost the same age as Isaac, who views her as a "little kid."
The best part of Sunday night was splitting some Ben & Jerry's with Grant and Ananda while I got the last of my schoolwork turned in online and they sat nearby, laughing and distracting me. It was relatively autopilot kind of stuff. In general, I am a little worried about how to make my schoolwork fit into everything else.
Monday was Day 4 of the weekend, Martin Luther King Day. I spent obscene and luscious amounts of it just texting with Kristin, facebook messaging with friends, and cuddling with Elise. Our guest situation also worked out, when I suggested she, Jake and Elise could have a picnic and tea party out in the yard. They stayed out there for hours, happy as clams, so it was perfect. I cleaned the kitchen and listened to NPR for most of the afternoon.
Isaac did something that's been happening when he comes home from there, and that I don't really understand aside from his maybe getting overwhelmed - he has a great time, is in good spirits when we grab him, tells us all about it on the way home, and then gets very grumpy and hostile within about 15 minutes of walking in the door. This culminates in him crying and locking himself in his room, and needing to either take a nap or just let enough time pass awake that he's over it. They have a lot of kids too, but a much louder household, and from what I gather he's not sleeping much (they stay up goofing around like typical kids at a sleepover, but then those kids still get up early when they go to bed late, which is something I've never understood - my kids sleep late when they go to bed late...) Isaac also has to put more effort than a lot of kids into NOT being anxious around others. Sometimes I think he's just "on" for too long at a time, and then needs to be as grumpy and pissy as he needs to be for a little while when he gets back home. He generally puts on an uber responsible and polite face at school or around other parents. People tend to be totally shocked if I need to talk to them about his issues for some reason...
Monday evening Shaun came over, and I made lasagnas for the first time in forever. Also, Isaac and I started
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I really can't over emphasize how much fun reading this series to him is, and re-experiencing everything from his perspective. He is so into it, and he's smart enough to really get it all as I go and be emotionally invested every step of the way. Reading these books together has totally brought us closer than we ever were before, partially because they provide such a calming distraction for him before bed, or when he's otherwise freaking out. It's one of the only times in his life I've really felt like I know exactly what to do and how to help him, and it basically always works. I've been TRYING desperately his whole life, but he's rebuffed so many of my efforts, and it's generally been Grant who comes up with the perfect bedtime routine or just the right thing to say as he's melting down, or what have you...
Also, Chapter 2 of that book is BRILLIANT and one of my favorite chapters in the whole series.
( small cut for spoiler-y talk )
Today, Tuesday, the first day back to school and work (from home, for G) was nonstop in a nice way. I have a lot of great things I'm very grateful for, that keep me busy.
I made Elisey and I salads, and heated up lasagna for Jake. After we ate, I took them for a walk, to get my shot. Elise LOVES to watch me get shots. She's totally fascinated. Jake will not look. On the way, we pet a cat, inspected lots of dropped fruit from a mahogany tree, and took pictures of a simple swing set we might want to build one like. We noted the mango trees about to make fruit again, everywhere. Introduced new concepts like duplexes, and Episcopalianism, and what information goes on a dog collar. We're definitely going to make long slow walks with lots of talking part of our homeschool...it's something Ananda and Aaron got a ton out of, years ago. Those walks and our open ended late night conversations are some of the most valuable times I think I've given them.
When we got home, because of conversations we'd had while we were out, we watched videos of clams burrowing under sand, of scallops running along the ground underwater, and of how oysters make pearls (and how we then harvest those pearls, and how to tell real pearls from fake). I think they're going to be seeing shells at the beach a lot differently, now. Jake wants a real pearl for his birthday.
I set him up with a cursive assignment and put her on Reading Eggs. Washed dishes.
Read him the rest of Goblet of Fire. Read her a pile of books she picked out. Listened and coaxed as she painstakingly made her way through reading one to me.
Eventually it was time to pick kids up. Aaron had an awful day all around, and forgot his lunch, and was tired and very down. I made him fried eggs on buttered toast with sausages, and a big cup of chai, and he looked from it to me, when I called him out of his room, and then gave me a giant hug. I love him so much. He took it all outside to eat, which I think is one of the best ways to clear your head. For me, anyway... I measured that kid the other day again, on a lark, and it was ANOTHER INCH. He's so damned big! 5'7" the last time I actually got out a measuring tape rather than just making another mark on the wall. Which was awhile ago.
Isaac had a headache. He feels like he's getting sick...I gave him tylenol, and Grant went and got him ramen from Tim's (oriental grocery). Read him another chapter and a half. Grant took the other boys to Game Stop to search for some used thing they want to get with their own pooled money. G also did all the prep work for some lentil soup I then finished.
I hang out with Annie in the kitchen a lot. She sits on the counter if I'm cleaning, or sous chefs if I'm cooking. Last night she was searching for a dessert recipe for the leftover ricotta, with a laptop. Today she was showing me art (hers, and other peoples'). And talking about horrific pregnancy things she heard about that resolidify her decision to NEVER HAVE CHILDREN, EVER. Many times she walks in while I have NPR on and we pause it, and then end up talking about whatever story I was listening to. Jake Jr (the cat) is generally laid out across the middle of the floor, I don't know, apparently hoping to be stepped on? He's like an irresistible bear trap, with all his belly fluff up in the air, and his claws and teeth ready if you dare to touch it. We say, "What a bad cat" about a hundred times a day.
We had some stupid Wii remote battery dispute situation and had to tell people to go to bed too many times, but overall I think I'll keep them.
The problem is that I want to chronicle all this. And I want to write creatively. And I have to do my schoolwork.
Tonight, right now, I have to eat something so I can take my antibiotics with a big glass of water. And tomorrow I have to make a big BJ's run AND take everyone up to derby...between that and the school drop offs/pick ups, and getting Jake and Elise taught things in between, I'm already feeling like I can't possibly sleep enough tonight. WHAT THE FUCK WILL BE FOR DINNER WITH THE DERBY TIMELINES? I don't read to anyone before bed after that because it's just too late.
But when I get this feeling, I also can't just go to sleep...it's hard to explain, I guess. I have to have space to decompress and time to zone out, or else I'll start to hate everything and be unproductive as all hell. On the weekend days, I can just go to bed at a normal hour when I get tired, and that's fine, because enough of the day was very chill or about things I wanted that it feels easy to do that. But on weekdays where I never stop attending to other people for a minute, and Grant and I "partner" but barely connect at all? I dunno mang. I can't go to bed and wake up and do it again, over and over, without some winding down in between. I've never been able to.
There are so many appointments coming up. A filling for Elise, and her pediatrician follow-up, Isaac starting new counseling, Aaron starting allergy shots, my weekly counseling, my shots, Annie's oral surgeon consult. We're bailing on the radio show this coming Saturday (or Annie is, she's the only recurring guest) because my little niece Elizabeth is going to be in a parade and we obviously have to be there, for that. In a good way, I mean.
Next month ISAAC - just Isaac - has got an out of town overnight field trip, an audition (for next year) at A&A's school, his birthday, and the Valentine's dance (that he's been counting down to forever, since there's a girl he has in mind).
Here's to coming up with some kind of workable game plan that involves more hours than actually exist. Somehow things always work out and years continue to pass, so that's generally what I keep in mind. Also - Isaac will be 11, on his birthday next month. It seems monumental to me somehow. The really big ones in my mind this year are him turning 11, and Annie turning 15.
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