(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2006 03:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Yesterday during tea I sat under the trampoline on our blanket helping Ananda with math. It was a concept she has a lot of trouble with and has some mental blocks up against from past frustration, and I really put in every extra effort to stay super patient and nice with all of her attitude and whining, until finally she had figured it all out and was proud of herself for completing the page. I turned around happy, and saw Isaac...with his hair, arms and shirt covered in honey. From the tea tray. He was rubbing a handful of it into his neck at that moment...and there was poop from his diaper on his thighs.
I called my mother and told her to expect a very large package soon.
Speaking of my mother, I sent her a postcard last week. It said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."
We went to P.A.T.H. today. It was pretty cool, they were having a science fair so Ananda and Aaron got to have a race pushing little cars ahead of magnets and hold earthworms and look at geodes and all that sort of thing. We found out that if we register in the next couple of days, they can have exhibits at the Youth Fair. Ananda wants to do a science project and a painting, I believe. They actually have cash prizes and all, but she's mostly into the idea of hundreds of people seeing her stuff. I think I'll use the opportunity to teach her the scientific method.
My books came from Amazon today. I think I'm saving them both for Lent, because I'm going to need every good resource I can get my hands on. I've been struggling like mad today. I've been picking myself up and kicking myself in the ass a lot. It seems much easier to fight and kick on my own than pray about anything, and so everything is impossibly heavy because I'm trying to carry it myself...blah. I've managed to not fall off of any wagons, but I've felt frustrated and disgruntled a lot early this morning and late tonight.
The day in between was good, though. We played tag and had singalongs this afternoon. I'm completely in love with all of these kids - Annie doing acrobatics at the park and helping me SO much, Aaron learning to play well with other kids and warming up to new people, Isaac being SO DAMN CUTE AND CUDDLY and funny, all the time, and Jake just getting so big and feeling so small and mmm. All of them laughing when I tickle them, listening to stories, giving my kisses. And Kathy came over all evening; Grant made us incredible food. I made a date with that babysitter girl from P.A.T.H., she's coming on Thursday afternoon to make Valentines with us and for us all to get to know each other better. She was playing with them all on the playground today and the kids seem to really like her. And I got the dirty diaper bag and the lunch leavings in from the van when we got back, and the tea tray in from the backyard when we were done, and after this whole long day of everyone cooking the kitchen is sparkling.
I can't believe it's the time it is. No wonder I can't even keep my freakin' thoughts straight.
One thing...Laura and I are going to the Orthodox Church on Sunday :o It's prearranged and set.
I called my mother and told her to expect a very large package soon.
Speaking of my mother, I sent her a postcard last week. It said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."
We went to P.A.T.H. today. It was pretty cool, they were having a science fair so Ananda and Aaron got to have a race pushing little cars ahead of magnets and hold earthworms and look at geodes and all that sort of thing. We found out that if we register in the next couple of days, they can have exhibits at the Youth Fair. Ananda wants to do a science project and a painting, I believe. They actually have cash prizes and all, but she's mostly into the idea of hundreds of people seeing her stuff. I think I'll use the opportunity to teach her the scientific method.
My books came from Amazon today. I think I'm saving them both for Lent, because I'm going to need every good resource I can get my hands on. I've been struggling like mad today. I've been picking myself up and kicking myself in the ass a lot. It seems much easier to fight and kick on my own than pray about anything, and so everything is impossibly heavy because I'm trying to carry it myself...blah. I've managed to not fall off of any wagons, but I've felt frustrated and disgruntled a lot early this morning and late tonight.
The day in between was good, though. We played tag and had singalongs this afternoon. I'm completely in love with all of these kids - Annie doing acrobatics at the park and helping me SO much, Aaron learning to play well with other kids and warming up to new people, Isaac being SO DAMN CUTE AND CUDDLY and funny, all the time, and Jake just getting so big and feeling so small and mmm. All of them laughing when I tickle them, listening to stories, giving my kisses. And Kathy came over all evening; Grant made us incredible food. I made a date with that babysitter girl from P.A.T.H., she's coming on Thursday afternoon to make Valentines with us and for us all to get to know each other better. She was playing with them all on the playground today and the kids seem to really like her. And I got the dirty diaper bag and the lunch leavings in from the van when we got back, and the tea tray in from the backyard when we were done, and after this whole long day of everyone cooking the kitchen is sparkling.
I can't believe it's the time it is. No wonder I can't even keep my freakin' thoughts straight.
One thing...Laura and I are going to the Orthodox Church on Sunday :o It's prearranged and set.
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Date: 2006-02-08 02:33 pm (UTC)I am sooooo glad about the babysitter. I really hope that works out for you guys.
Do you know the name of the church you are going to visit? I'm just curious. I hope it is a good experience.
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Date: 2006-02-08 05:30 pm (UTC)It's hard for me, with the sitter...I've never used a babysitter before, ever. I've had my sister or my mom stay with them on less than two dozen occassions, and my mother in law has done it 2 or 3 times (just A and A). I'm not really sure how much is "enough" getting to know her. She stood around talking with us a week ago, for a bit, and I got the feel of her, I suppose. And then yesterday she reintroduced herself and remembered all their names and I was able to get Laura's oppinion, since she was with us. And she'll be here Thursday with me...but I guess you just can't ever "know" know, that someone is trustworthy, can you? I think the only reason I'm really entertaining this option seriously at all is because I honestly feel like God dropped her right into my lap, so she must be ok o_O
This is the church I'm going to - http://www.standrewfl.org/pages/home.html
I would love to hear any and all oppinions you have on the site.
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Date: 2006-02-08 05:49 pm (UTC)Looks like the standard Greek Orthodox Church, though it is a very interesting building. I want to know what that eye is on the front window. They didn't have the calendar for February up, but it looks like the Divine Liturgy is at 10am on Sundays...the same as most churches we've attended. They do Orthros (or Matins as some churches will call it) so it will feel like you are getting there late even if you are early because there will already be a service going on. Unless you arrive at 8:45 before Orthros starts...which I'm assuming you aren't planning to do. Don't be surprised if a lot of it is in Greek, it looks like a fairly ethnic parish, but there should be service books available that will translate anything not in English for you. Have you talked to the priest? You might want to call the church in advance and talk to him...might make you feel more comfortable. Have you seen this? http://www.antiochian.org/theology/first_visit.htm. If not, I think it is essential reading before visiting an Orthodox Church for the first time.
This Sunday is the first Sunday of the Lenten Triodion, which basically just means the services are "preparing" for Lent. It is a really interesting time in the Orthodox church. Lent technically doesn't really begin until Clean Monday, which is March 6th this year, but we start preparing for it several weeks in advance....like everything in the Orthodox Church there is always preparation for the preparation...
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:35 pm (UTC)This is totally me making things up, so I could be quite wrong.
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Date: 2006-02-08 05:48 pm (UTC)And, I know, that on some level that must seem horribly blasphemous if you have a deeper understanding of all of this, so I apologize if that's offensive. I don't mean it to be that way; it's more like honest bafflement because the denomination I've really been active in REALLY plays up how it's not about "stuff" or pretty things a LOT....so it's a Big about face for me to deal with.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:11 pm (UTC)I guess I'll just start by saying that there is long history of God using the beauty and wealth of the world in His worship. He created it all after all. Think of the elaborate way He told the Israelites to build the Temple in Jerusalem and the money spent on the elaborate tent trappings of the traveling Tabernacle in the wilderness (everyone giving all their gold and fine jewelry to be melted into the vessels of the worship). And then there is Christ himself, when the woman anoints his head with expensive perfume...and Judas is appalled at the "waste", Christ Himself rebukes Judas and claims this annointing as good. Christ Himself worshiped at the elaborate Temple, offering the sacrifices of money and goods that God demanded. His beef was with the twisted hypocrisy of the priests, not with the wealth of the Temple. Worship of God, until the Protestant Reformation, was always understood to be prescribed by God as being the most elaborate and beautiful ritual...we were supposed be transported into heaven by our worship. Now this is not always possible...the elaboratness, at first. And isn't strictly necessary. But we are not to give God only what is necessary...but everything. And He does ask for this...of the Jews in the beginning...and as Orthodox...we believe that the Holy Spirit guided it in the early Church and today.
I'm not making much sense I'm sure. I'll look around for some links or something....
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:43 pm (UTC)I don't really have a problem with monastacism, though your reasons for initially having a problem with make me being to ;) Mostly kidding, don't smack yourself in the forehead too hard.
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Date: 2006-02-09 08:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-08 06:27 pm (UTC)It took me awhile, and I didn't even realize when the transition occured when I finally knew that some things, places, people really were holy. All that to say, I didn't care one bit about what a churches altar or interior looked like two or three years ago, but now those things were fascinating. Now it's more like I would make a point to visit other churches only for the fact that they have a particularily beautiful icon of so-and-so, and especially if they have relics of someone I'm particularily drawn to.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:41 pm (UTC)I think that, perhaps, the part of this that is hard for me is the physical depictions. I never have an image of God as an old man with a beard or of Jesus as a white guy, in my head, you know, I think of Jesus as just an amazing person and God as omnipresence that I can't comprehend...It seems limiting and strange to me to stylize the faces of Mary, of Jesus, or John the Baptist, and say "We think of it only like this now"...
And perhaps I also think I'm scared on some level that the Orthodox are going to try to convince me that my own holy places, people and things are somehow not valid in their eyes.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:42 pm (UTC)I don't at all mean, by the way, to say that you are being "blasphemous" or anything, Tina. Just adding to what ariellejuliana said...
And God shows us mercy through the physical as well. There is an icon of St Nicholas in my Church, that 25 years ago, was completely dark and hidden. No one touched it, it was hanging on a wall, in the corner. It started to get clearer and brighter, and finally someone noticed it. It was put on a stand in the Church. When I first came to the parish, eight years ago, the figures were clear, but it was dark, and reddish brown. I thought it wasn't that impressive, and I also thought "why would an icon restore itself, that seems silly." Eight years later, there is shining gold in this icon. The smaller figures (of Christ and Mary) are clear. Why do such things happen? Someone asked my priest that once. "We don't know, really," he said. "It's because He loves us. He can restore anything, He is showing us." He makes all things new... "because He loves us..." that made me cry. I'm not sure if the point of that comes through, how I meant it, and feel it.
Hope you don't mind my jumping in with the long comments.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:49 pm (UTC)Now I feel really blasphemous.
I believe God loves us enough to do all things and all signs, and I would like to hope that if I was in the presence of that sort of holy revelation, I would know it beyond any shadow of a doubt. But hearing about it secondhand, it is easy for me to think that though God can do all things, people can also do false things in His name.
Perhaps I am just too afraid of being made a fool. I loathe and crave vulnerability in equal measure.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:57 pm (UTC)Don't try to make it happen. The belief, the doubt, discovering the Truth. Just ask for it to be revealed to you...over and over and over...and trust that He will reveal it. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..."
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Date: 2006-02-08 07:24 pm (UTC)I have had people tell me "miracle stories" where I was inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking, "yeah whatever." We had something happen at my Church that was kind of funny, and kind of sad. A vigil lamp hanging in front of an icon on the iconostasis was jostled when someone was filling it (with oil) and a little oil ran down on the icon. The person who did it went away to get something to clean it, and some people came along and saw it, and started talking about how it was a weeping icon (there are icons that stream sweet scented oil or myrrh). They were all excited. As if they were looking for, needing such a thing to happen. They told our priest, who hadn't seen what had happened, but kind of raised his eyebrows, and said something like, we don't know what could have happened. I am not sure if they ever found out what it was. That sort of thing... makes me uncomfortable. We don't need to be looking for miracles everywhere, I don't think. Our belief does not depend on such things.
I am not one to try to make such physical manifestations too important--this can indeed be a danger. But that they exist... that the holy, the other, can be manifested in material things... it is very powerful. Not something that one should try to force oneself to feel, especially with such specific things. It sounds like you already have experience of this in general.
You are not being blasphemous at all.
Vulnerability--I understand exactly what you mean. I struggle with that as well. It is attractive, it seems a necessary, or good, or healing thing... but it is very frightening.
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Date: 2006-02-08 07:26 pm (UTC)Oh, if I could take my own advice...:)
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Date: 2006-02-08 07:57 pm (UTC)I've been keeping my "modified fast" for a few days now, and being totally celibate (like, in thoughts and all that) for over a week, and there comes a point (at least) once every day where I get so angry with God, or with myself, or with Grant for holding me accountable in some small way, or whatever...or where I just feel like I can't take it. And I do, you know, I do I go on and manage somehow or other through Grace and it keeps reminding me of labor because that just seemed to get harder and harder and more and more impossible but no matter how long it went on I just had to deal with it because I had no choice. But then I wonder - Can I handle this for 3 more months? Can I, really? How can I not? What other option is there?
And then, like, I come here so much and I'll type something out of shame or whatever and everybody tells me how awesome I am for it and I end up thinking, hey, yeah, I am aren't I? and rereading my post a couple of times and checking for more comments until it's like...*sigh* Giving up the computer for Lent is definitely the next step on this spiritual journey.
I pray a lot but I need to pray a lot more, I think. Loving my family and being grateful is very easy bt how I don't know how to go about not taking too much on.
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Date: 2006-02-08 11:05 pm (UTC)It will be easier for you, I think when you are married... I don't think God intended people to have to live with *that* tension and struggle all the time (I don't mean that as a judgement about your situation in any way, just thinking about what you are struggling with). Some tension, some struggle should be there, but sometimes thinking you have to do more... and more... can become untenable.
The thing for me, was that I felt I had to keep pushing further and further, and it made me think that I was better than other people, because I was doing that, I was willing to live with incredible stress and tension and even misery (this is all probably not you at all, I'm sorry, it's just that what you said rang enough bells with me... for all this to come out). And what I ended up doing, was learning to do just what was doable, just what I could do with joy. Not necessarily doing something wrong, per se, but acknowledging that the best I could do, *really* do, *wasn't* actually wrong. I was helped with this though, by having the situation of having a priest, a spiritual father really, who helped me with this. Who said "No, you should not be doing so much". I had kept trying, and then crashing and burning with it. And it was better for me. I didn't used to understand people not trying to do everything. Now I do. And now what I do, even if I am pushing myself a bit (because that is, in fact, usually a good thing) is, underneath everything, done because I truly want to. With joy, even.
Okay, maybe this is not really a response to what you are saying. I'm sorry. Why am I spilling all this anyway? I hope it makes some sense.
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Date: 2006-02-08 11:36 pm (UTC)But what if God is working through and present in the people on livejournal? Who knows.
Either way I feel called to give it up for Lent, mostly for the more contemplative ways I can fill my time during that season.
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Date: 2006-02-08 11:56 pm (UTC)Validation from people can be nice. Not always what we need. But sometimes, to accept that we are sinners, yet have worth... it can be good. It depends how you look at it.
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Date: 2006-02-08 11:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-08 05:05 pm (UTC)You mean to say you took your eyes off a toddler for a few minutes?! Wow, you must be a worse parent than I am!
"It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."
I think I'm going to add this to my user info.
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Date: 2006-02-08 05:32 pm (UTC)I get used to knowing Ananda or Aaron will alert me if he's up to mischief, I think (like while I lay Jake down for a nap or if I'm cooking in the kitchen) and I wasn't figuring that I had Annie occupied.
And, maybe I should have sent the postcard to you ;) I'm sure Jimmy would have loved that.
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Date: 2006-02-08 05:50 pm (UTC)I turn around for literally one minute and Cerys has gotten rice everywhere and destroyed the sofa. :P Kidsh.
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:08 pm (UTC)I guess I am writing all that because I have liked what you've been writing about repentance... it has been tying things in for me, with Lent, and Church... I hope some of that comes across for you when you go to the Orthodox Church, and that there is some in English--it looks like it might be a somewhat ethnic parish--not necessarily bad, but understanding things can be good.
Anyway, I think I've commented on your journal before, and I know I have on Dama's... I came across you from
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Date: 2006-02-08 06:50 pm (UTC)I would like to feel the spirit of repentance as a tangible thing among the whole body of believers.