(no subject)

[altarflame]

Yesterday during tea I sat under the trampoline on our blanket helping Ananda with math. It was a concept she has a lot of trouble with and has some mental blocks up against from past frustration, and I really put in every extra effort to stay super patient and nice with all of her attitude and whining, until finally she had figured it all out and was proud of herself for completing the page. I turned around happy, and saw Isaac...with his hair, arms and shirt covered in honey. From the tea tray. He was rubbing a handful of it into his neck at that moment...and there was poop from his diaper on his thighs.

I called my mother and told her to expect a very large package soon.

Speaking of my mother, I sent her a postcard last week. It said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."


We went to P.A.T.H. today. It was pretty cool, they were having a science fair so Ananda and Aaron got to have a race pushing little cars ahead of magnets and hold earthworms and look at geodes and all that sort of thing. We found out that if we register in the next couple of days, they can have exhibits at the Youth Fair. Ananda wants to do a science project and a painting, I believe. They actually have cash prizes and all, but she's mostly into the idea of hundreds of people seeing her stuff. I think I'll use the opportunity to teach her the scientific method.

My books came from Amazon today. I think I'm saving them both for Lent, because I'm going to need every good resource I can get my hands on. I've been struggling like mad today. I've been picking myself up and kicking myself in the ass a lot. It seems much easier to fight and kick on my own than pray about anything, and so everything is impossibly heavy because I'm trying to carry it myself...blah. I've managed to not fall off of any wagons, but I've felt frustrated and disgruntled a lot early this morning and late tonight.

The day in between was good, though. We played tag and had singalongs this afternoon. I'm completely in love with all of these kids - Annie doing acrobatics at the park and helping me SO much, Aaron learning to play well with other kids and warming up to new people, Isaac being SO DAMN CUTE AND CUDDLY and funny, all the time, and Jake just getting so big and feeling so small and mmm. All of them laughing when I tickle them, listening to stories, giving my kisses. And Kathy came over all evening; Grant made us incredible food. I made a date with that babysitter girl from P.A.T.H., she's coming on Thursday afternoon to make Valentines with us and for us all to get to know each other better. She was playing with them all on the playground today and the kids seem to really like her. And I got the dirty diaper bag and the lunch leavings in from the van when we got back, and the tea tray in from the backyard when we were done, and after this whole long day of everyone cooking the kitchen is sparkling.

I can't believe it's the time it is. No wonder I can't even keep my freakin' thoughts straight.

One thing...Laura and I are going to the Orthodox Church on Sunday :o It's prearranged and set.

Comments

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, you are not being "horribly blasphemous" in the slightest :) It really is a different way of looking at things than the "iconoclast" Protestant mindset. The importance of holy things, of icons, of the altar, of the church itself, this is something you grow into, rather than be intellectually convinced. And it also has to do with the Orthodox rejection of the idea that the material world is "less" important than the spiritual world, or the very prevelent idea that bodily/physical is evil or sinful. Christ's incarnation sanctified the physical and material, so we hold certain material objects that are "windows" to heaven in very high regard.

It took me awhile, and I didn't even realize when the transition occured when I finally knew that some things, places, people really were holy. All that to say, I didn't care one bit about what a churches altar or interior looked like two or three years ago, but now those things were fascinating. Now it's more like I would make a point to visit other churches only for the fact that they have a particularily beautiful icon of so-and-so, and especially if they have relics of someone I'm particularily drawn to.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Well...I have felt for a long time that some people, and some places, and some things, are holy. I have a chunk of a rock from a stone altar that is part of an outdoor chapel in my bedroom right now, and there is an area near that chapel that makes me think "Take off your shoes, you're on holy ground" every time I'm near it. This circle where there is always sun shining, and where I stood in a circle praying and first truly felt the presence of God...and likewise the minister I'd like to perform my wedding ceremony is an amazing man who, just talking to him the other day, I felt like I could feel God just resonating through him...

I think that, perhaps, the part of this that is hard for me is the physical depictions. I never have an image of God as an old man with a beard or of Jesus as a white guy, in my head, you know, I think of Jesus as just an amazing person and God as omnipresence that I can't comprehend...It seems limiting and strange to me to stylize the faces of Mary, of Jesus, or John the Baptist, and say "We think of it only like this now"...

And perhaps I also think I'm scared on some level that the Orthodox are going to try to convince me that my own holy places, people and things are somehow not valid in their eyes.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

You are so right, about growing into it. It's something about the physical, the material, participating in holiness. All of our lives, all of our being, participate in the knowledge of God. Christ took on flesh and made it divine. He touched things. According to Orthodoxy, the bread and wine *become* the Body and Blood, so we always have the divine and the material, coexisting. So we physically, materially, adorn the space where this happens. We try to adorn our souls, with spiritual "wedding garments," to receive Christ. We adorn His Temple as well. God is with us, in our material world.

I don't at all mean, by the way, to say that you are being "blasphemous" or anything, Tina. Just adding to what ariellejuliana said...

And God shows us mercy through the physical as well. There is an icon of St Nicholas in my Church, that 25 years ago, was completely dark and hidden. No one touched it, it was hanging on a wall, in the corner. It started to get clearer and brighter, and finally someone noticed it. It was put on a stand in the Church. When I first came to the parish, eight years ago, the figures were clear, but it was dark, and reddish brown. I thought it wasn't that impressive, and I also thought "why would an icon restore itself, that seems silly." Eight years later, there is shining gold in this icon. The smaller figures (of Christ and Mary) are clear. Why do such things happen? Someone asked my priest that once. "We don't know, really," he said. "It's because He loves us. He can restore anything, He is showing us." He makes all things new... "because He loves us..." that made me cry. I'm not sure if the point of that comes through, how I meant it, and feel it.

Hope you don't mind my jumping in with the long comments.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I am almost glad I am not around that sort of thing right now because I don't want to have to decide whether or not I am skeptical of it. I completely believe in miracles and in direct touching of our lives by God and intercession through prayer and all sorts of things like that, but still I think that it would be hard for me to never doubt something like that. And I would feel bad about myself for the doubting, and bad about myself for NOT doubting, and...I'm not sure if you can understand what I mean. It's reminiscent of how I never want to go to a pentacostal church because I don't want to have to stand their and judge someone else's experience of God; I don't want to have to decide whether or not I believe that this person is speaking in tongues, or whether I feel they're just putting on a show and it's all nonsense.

Now I feel really blasphemous.

I believe God loves us enough to do all things and all signs, and I would like to hope that if I was in the presence of that sort of holy revelation, I would know it beyond any shadow of a doubt. But hearing about it secondhand, it is easy for me to think that though God can do all things, people can also do false things in His name.

Perhaps I am just too afraid of being made a fool. I loathe and crave vulnerability in equal measure.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

I totally understand this. I still struggle with this. I want to believe--I don't want to be "taken in" by some fraud. I want to be touched by the Divine--I don't want to lose control of myself. I want to be a fool for Christ--I don't want anyone to think I'm stupid or naive. I'm not saying you feel all these things, just that I understand the tug of war.

Don't try to make it happen. The belief, the doubt, discovering the Truth. Just ask for it to be revealed to you...over and over and over...and trust that He will reveal it. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God..."

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

No it makes perfect sense. Part of what I went through, with that particular experience, was not thinking it was real. I don't know if I thought it could even happen. I believe in miraculous experiences now, such as that, but I don't always *not* doubt a particular thing. I don't know if that is even wrong. The Church teaches us to doubt visions and signs, at first, to test them. Believing in any one particular thing, like that (I don't mean major items of faith) is not necessary, I don't think. More the openness, and not being scornful. That particular thing, with the icon. I believe it. I saw it, and there's an inward... "feeling" is the wrong word. A sense of the holy. But I wouldn't expect anyone to believe it from my story, necessarily.

I have had people tell me "miracle stories" where I was inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking, "yeah whatever." We had something happen at my Church that was kind of funny, and kind of sad. A vigil lamp hanging in front of an icon on the iconostasis was jostled when someone was filling it (with oil) and a little oil ran down on the icon. The person who did it went away to get something to clean it, and some people came along and saw it, and started talking about how it was a weeping icon (there are icons that stream sweet scented oil or myrrh). They were all excited. As if they were looking for, needing such a thing to happen. They told our priest, who hadn't seen what had happened, but kind of raised his eyebrows, and said something like, we don't know what could have happened. I am not sure if they ever found out what it was. That sort of thing... makes me uncomfortable. We don't need to be looking for miracles everywhere, I don't think. Our belief does not depend on such things.

I am not one to try to make such physical manifestations too important--this can indeed be a danger. But that they exist... that the holy, the other, can be manifested in material things... it is very powerful. Not something that one should try to force oneself to feel, especially with such specific things. It sounds like you already have experience of this in general.

You are not being blasphemous at all.

Vulnerability--I understand exactly what you mean. I struggle with that as well. It is attractive, it seems a necessary, or good, or healing thing... but it is very frightening.

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't worry about all this. I think the way you are processing things is good and healthy. Just go to liturgy when you can, and don't feel a bit bad if you don't understand things or don't know what to think. Try to pray a few minutes a day. Love your family. Try to be grateful for something, even one thing, every day. Don't try to take too much on yourself - we are all very weak and God knows that far better than we do. Ask God for help, and to guide you. You might not see Him answer that prayer, but I always find that the prayer has been answered through many years, and I didn't even notice.

Oh, if I could take my own advice...:)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to take that sort of advice to heart. I feel like saying I'm weak is just an excuse to hide behind - a way to do as I please or make it ok to sin...How do you make a conscious decision to go against the will of God, when you truly believe in and love Him?

I've been keeping my "modified fast" for a few days now, and being totally celibate (like, in thoughts and all that) for over a week, and there comes a point (at least) once every day where I get so angry with God, or with myself, or with Grant for holding me accountable in some small way, or whatever...or where I just feel like I can't take it. And I do, you know, I do I go on and manage somehow or other through Grace and it keeps reminding me of labor because that just seemed to get harder and harder and more and more impossible but no matter how long it went on I just had to deal with it because I had no choice. But then I wonder - Can I handle this for 3 more months? Can I, really? How can I not? What other option is there?

And then, like, I come here so much and I'll type something out of shame or whatever and everybody tells me how awesome I am for it and I end up thinking, hey, yeah, I am aren't I? and rereading my post a couple of times and checking for more comments until it's like...*sigh* Giving up the computer for Lent is definitely the next step on this spiritual journey.

I pray a lot but I need to pray a lot more, I think. Loving my family and being grateful is very easy bt how I don't know how to go about not taking too much on.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

I identify so much with this, it's scary. I am not even sure what to say, but I want to say and say and say, because... The thing about saying you're weak, just being an excuse... I did that, I took on too much for where I was, because I was weak. Because I thought that I needed to try more and more, to the point of unbearable tension. I don't know, I had other issues at the time too. Maybe you aren't doing what I was.

It will be easier for you, I think when you are married... I don't think God intended people to have to live with *that* tension and struggle all the time (I don't mean that as a judgement about your situation in any way, just thinking about what you are struggling with). Some tension, some struggle should be there, but sometimes thinking you have to do more... and more... can become untenable.

The thing for me, was that I felt I had to keep pushing further and further, and it made me think that I was better than other people, because I was doing that, I was willing to live with incredible stress and tension and even misery (this is all probably not you at all, I'm sorry, it's just that what you said rang enough bells with me... for all this to come out). And what I ended up doing, was learning to do just what was doable, just what I could do with joy. Not necessarily doing something wrong, per se, but acknowledging that the best I could do, *really* do, *wasn't* actually wrong. I was helped with this though, by having the situation of having a priest, a spiritual father really, who helped me with this. Who said "No, you should not be doing so much". I had kept trying, and then crashing and burning with it. And it was better for me. I didn't used to understand people not trying to do everything. Now I do. And now what I do, even if I am pushing myself a bit (because that is, in fact, usually a good thing) is, underneath everything, done because I truly want to. With joy, even.

Okay, maybe this is not really a response to what you are saying. I'm sorry. Why am I spilling all this anyway? I hope it makes some sense.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Some of it makes sense, I don't know...I don't really think I'm better than anyone. It's more like the deeper I go, the more I push myself, the more humble I get because I realize just how big a hold these things have on me, just how much I need God to accomplish anything, all of that...I only feel anything like pride when I post all about it (which I do just to purge and share, I've ALWAYS had a journal or a penpal, since I was 5) and then people start lining up to tell me how great I am for it. And they do it with the best of intentions, but, like, that entry a couple entries back behind a cut that says "Deep Thoughts" or something like that - I was ashamed to post that at all. I thought people would see me differently, not like me anymore, etc. So it was a nice surprise when that didn't happen, but then when the praise for me started piling up I read it again from a different perspective - not that of a shameful, honest sinner but that of a person who is afraid to be so honest or who maybe has the same problems...and that's when my "purity of thought" goes down the toilet and all of a sudden I think maybe I should quit posting here because I need God's validation, not Livejournal's ego-boosting...

But what if God is working through and present in the people on livejournal? Who knows.

Either way I feel called to give it up for Lent, mostly for the more contemplative ways I can fill my time during that season.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know what you mean... and the point I got to, through all of that, was *not* thinking I was better than anyone. Which is good. I guess a lot of what I wanted to say, and didn't actually manage to say, was that... thinking about myself as anything at all... wasn't helpful. I am me. I have the struggles I have. Other people, likely do too. Expecting people not to like you, or to think you're great... either of them... I had too much invested in what would others think of me, either way. Maybe it's what you're saying, with wanting validation from people?

Validation from people can be nice. Not always what we need. But sometimes, to accept that we are sinners, yet have worth... it can be good. It depends how you look at it.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

Oh and I definitely see how giving up the computer could be helpful, and good, and challenging. I hope it works well for you.