(no subject)

[altarflame]

Yesterday during tea I sat under the trampoline on our blanket helping Ananda with math. It was a concept she has a lot of trouble with and has some mental blocks up against from past frustration, and I really put in every extra effort to stay super patient and nice with all of her attitude and whining, until finally she had figured it all out and was proud of herself for completing the page. I turned around happy, and saw Isaac...with his hair, arms and shirt covered in honey. From the tea tray. He was rubbing a handful of it into his neck at that moment...and there was poop from his diaper on his thighs.

I called my mother and told her to expect a very large package soon.

Speaking of my mother, I sent her a postcard last week. It said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life."


We went to P.A.T.H. today. It was pretty cool, they were having a science fair so Ananda and Aaron got to have a race pushing little cars ahead of magnets and hold earthworms and look at geodes and all that sort of thing. We found out that if we register in the next couple of days, they can have exhibits at the Youth Fair. Ananda wants to do a science project and a painting, I believe. They actually have cash prizes and all, but she's mostly into the idea of hundreds of people seeing her stuff. I think I'll use the opportunity to teach her the scientific method.

My books came from Amazon today. I think I'm saving them both for Lent, because I'm going to need every good resource I can get my hands on. I've been struggling like mad today. I've been picking myself up and kicking myself in the ass a lot. It seems much easier to fight and kick on my own than pray about anything, and so everything is impossibly heavy because I'm trying to carry it myself...blah. I've managed to not fall off of any wagons, but I've felt frustrated and disgruntled a lot early this morning and late tonight.

The day in between was good, though. We played tag and had singalongs this afternoon. I'm completely in love with all of these kids - Annie doing acrobatics at the park and helping me SO much, Aaron learning to play well with other kids and warming up to new people, Isaac being SO DAMN CUTE AND CUDDLY and funny, all the time, and Jake just getting so big and feeling so small and mmm. All of them laughing when I tickle them, listening to stories, giving my kisses. And Kathy came over all evening; Grant made us incredible food. I made a date with that babysitter girl from P.A.T.H., she's coming on Thursday afternoon to make Valentines with us and for us all to get to know each other better. She was playing with them all on the playground today and the kids seem to really like her. And I got the dirty diaper bag and the lunch leavings in from the van when we got back, and the tea tray in from the backyard when we were done, and after this whole long day of everyone cooking the kitchen is sparkling.

I can't believe it's the time it is. No wonder I can't even keep my freakin' thoughts straight.

One thing...Laura and I are going to the Orthodox Church on Sunday :o It's prearranged and set.

Comments

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Some of it makes sense, I don't know...I don't really think I'm better than anyone. It's more like the deeper I go, the more I push myself, the more humble I get because I realize just how big a hold these things have on me, just how much I need God to accomplish anything, all of that...I only feel anything like pride when I post all about it (which I do just to purge and share, I've ALWAYS had a journal or a penpal, since I was 5) and then people start lining up to tell me how great I am for it. And they do it with the best of intentions, but, like, that entry a couple entries back behind a cut that says "Deep Thoughts" or something like that - I was ashamed to post that at all. I thought people would see me differently, not like me anymore, etc. So it was a nice surprise when that didn't happen, but then when the praise for me started piling up I read it again from a different perspective - not that of a shameful, honest sinner but that of a person who is afraid to be so honest or who maybe has the same problems...and that's when my "purity of thought" goes down the toilet and all of a sudden I think maybe I should quit posting here because I need God's validation, not Livejournal's ego-boosting...

But what if God is working through and present in the people on livejournal? Who knows.

Either way I feel called to give it up for Lent, mostly for the more contemplative ways I can fill my time during that season.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know what you mean... and the point I got to, through all of that, was *not* thinking I was better than anyone. Which is good. I guess a lot of what I wanted to say, and didn't actually manage to say, was that... thinking about myself as anything at all... wasn't helpful. I am me. I have the struggles I have. Other people, likely do too. Expecting people not to like you, or to think you're great... either of them... I had too much invested in what would others think of me, either way. Maybe it's what you're saying, with wanting validation from people?

Validation from people can be nice. Not always what we need. But sometimes, to accept that we are sinners, yet have worth... it can be good. It depends how you look at it.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

Oh and I definitely see how giving up the computer could be helpful, and good, and challenging. I hope it works well for you.