I don't know how to take that sort of advice to heart. I feel like saying I'm weak is just an excuse to hide behind - a way to do as I please or make it ok to sin...How do you make a conscious decision to go against the will of God, when you truly believe in and love Him?
I've been keeping my "modified fast" for a few days now, and being totally celibate (like, in thoughts and all that) for over a week, and there comes a point (at least) once every day where I get so angry with God, or with myself, or with Grant for holding me accountable in some small way, or whatever...or where I just feel like I can't take it. And I do, you know, I do I go on and manage somehow or other through Grace and it keeps reminding me of labor because that just seemed to get harder and harder and more and more impossible but no matter how long it went on I just had to deal with it because I had no choice. But then I wonder - Can I handle this for 3 more months? Can I, really? How can I not? What other option is there?
And then, like, I come here so much and I'll type something out of shame or whatever and everybody tells me how awesome I am for it and I end up thinking, hey, yeah, I am aren't I? and rereading my post a couple of times and checking for more comments until it's like...*sigh* Giving up the computer for Lent is definitely the next step on this spiritual journey.
I pray a lot but I need to pray a lot more, I think. Loving my family and being grateful is very easy bt how I don't know how to go about not taking too much on.
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Date: 2006-02-08 07:57 pm (UTC)I've been keeping my "modified fast" for a few days now, and being totally celibate (like, in thoughts and all that) for over a week, and there comes a point (at least) once every day where I get so angry with God, or with myself, or with Grant for holding me accountable in some small way, or whatever...or where I just feel like I can't take it. And I do, you know, I do I go on and manage somehow or other through Grace and it keeps reminding me of labor because that just seemed to get harder and harder and more and more impossible but no matter how long it went on I just had to deal with it because I had no choice. But then I wonder - Can I handle this for 3 more months? Can I, really? How can I not? What other option is there?
And then, like, I come here so much and I'll type something out of shame or whatever and everybody tells me how awesome I am for it and I end up thinking, hey, yeah, I am aren't I? and rereading my post a couple of times and checking for more comments until it's like...*sigh* Giving up the computer for Lent is definitely the next step on this spiritual journey.
I pray a lot but I need to pray a lot more, I think. Loving my family and being grateful is very easy bt how I don't know how to go about not taking too much on.