Life's been good to me so far

( FB convo with my sister about Annie's eating )

( 500 million (26) pictures )

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Aaron cried throughout most of an hour long conversation we had last night about how terrible his attention span, ability to concentrate and general coping skills are. He's been acting more like an SID flibberdigibit than ever recently...the past few weeks with him have reminded me of when he was 4 and couldn't talk, or wear short sleeves, or have a mosquito bite that didn't feature a complete breakdown. We talked together about how it was when he was young and things I did that helped him and how it's been lately and how frustrated both of us are, and one thing I always really appreciate about Aaron is how free and easy we communicate and how much he absorbs and listens... There is a deep connection that helps, even if we do have to be alone together in a low-stimulation area for that to happen.

He told me he watches a YouTuber with ADD who talks about his ADD and makes Aaron really thinks he has it, and that guy has part of his segments that are about when he's off his meds and that scares Aaron, like maybe he needs meds, but he doesn't want to take pills. We researched diagnosis and treatment of ADD and med side effects a lot today, and have been talking about using this SID self-management thing for older kids, that my sister found for her son, as well as whether we want to make a trip to the pediatrician/therapist over this. I believe he's old/cognizant enough to have a say every step of the way. Something has to happen, though, because I'm really starting to worry about his inability to do very simple multi-step things and feel kind of freaked about what it means for his long term...life. Academics, home management, having relationships. He's VERY "autism spectrum" this past month, not making eye contact or even appearing to hear siblings who talk to him and putting his hands over his ears to block out lectures in this EXTREMELY involuntary way, like he knows he cannot do that but he has to...*sigh* I would not be quite so worried about what could be a temporary setback if it wasn't on the heels of a whole year that made me nervous about his overall progress. And if he wasn't so depressed and anxious about it as often as he is :/

We're going to do an experiment and see how he reacts to coffee before chores/schoolwork, after reading a lot of really interesting studies today about the benefits of self-treating / ADD with caffeine. I'm also instituting a lot more structure for him, that we're planning together this week, that involves breaks for physical activity and some of his learning coming from computer things (watching documentaries, Kahn University, websites that teach typing, stuff like that).

I also introduced the idea to him that he may just be starting puberty and experiencing mood swings and hormonal changes that seem like anxiousness, confusion, heightened stir craziness, etc. It makes a lot of sense as a possible total explanation.

Sometimes the idea that I am managing their educations, extracurricular opportunities and social lives - in such a hands on way - is really like the weight of the whole damned world on my shoulders, as they get older... This isn't preschool anymore, for Ananda and Aaron. I really have to take a step back and breathe, sometimes.

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Stress about Isaac over the past couple of months - which I outlined but left quite a lot out of, on tumblr, but you can read the C&P'd outline ( under this cut )
Anyway, Isaac stress - it has given me aaaall these sudden gray hairs, and this ridiculously tired look that is creating fine lines all over my face, and I'm suddenly looking at myself thinking, damn. You are gonna be old, and that's fine, because I can deal with being old. But FIRST, you are gonna gradually decline and just look like a crappier looking thirty something person, a really haggard young you that's starting to fade. And that is harder for me to deal with. I'm finding myself considering all sorts of things I never thought I would, from dyeing my hair to FREAKING MICRODERMABRASION. It's really sort of nuts how compelling a low cost way to just give you another couple of years of looking like your own traditional self, can be. I find myself thinking things like, "when I go get injections to take care of these spider veins on my legs" and "maybe I should get a thighs/breast lift while I'm on the table anyway because I have to have a stupid tummy tuck I don't even want, and then I can at least like myself in a bathingsuit" (even though this is bizarre "in advance" thinking, since as it stands nothing is in any way hanging but I live in fear that when I lose weight, IT WILL).

And I am losing weight. In this very private, I've hit rock bottom sort of way I'm not ready to talk about.

"Aging," though - on the one hand, I feel beautiful a lot of the time. On the other, I have this sense of myself as a bundle of ok-for-now minor flaws that, if allowed to snowball, could avalanche out of control and then I'll find myself so far gone that it's "too late", whereas if I "kept up" with everything, I'd get another good decade and a half or so in before I have to reconcile myself to major changes.

For now I'm drinking a lot of water, using serum before I go to sleep and really not having time to give too much of a damn. My actual ACHES AND PAINS are too intense for me to get carried away with aesthetics...I have a major foot problem that is escalating, from a combination of my misaligned hips and falling down some stairs two weeks ago. It's getting to the point that I'm actually sucking it up and walking around in supportive sneakers, which means It Is Serious. Making an appt about it tomorrow....I'm sort of grateful that it's all messed up because it contributed to the aforementioned Rock Bottom situation that spurred me back to real changes re: weight.

So, yeah. Grant and I have some really great moments, kisses and laying together times and him rubbing my foot or us in the bath or whatever, when we just look at each other and go, Damn. We are doing an awful lot of shit right. All the kids and I have really great moments, and I don't waste any time. I make sure to enjoy the bike ride in the good weather and to savor the feeling of falling asleep and to spend some of my car rides on the phone laughing with friends. Or crying with them. I have this idea that shit's gonna calm down at some point? But I'm not really sure when that is. I guess the soonest possible calming factors would be:

-taking a break between degrees, like after I get my AA? That's kind of being thought of as "surgery time", though, i.e., not calm. Maybe Spring Break could be a mini break? I was just taking a makeup Spanish exam in the teachers' lounge for an hour, today
-when Grant gets to start telecommuting, finds a closer job or we move north towards his current job. That would be a huge huge factor.
-when some of my kids drive
-when all my kids are grown

But at least I'm not in some gray waiting place anymore, behind my locked bedroom door, wondering how I should start. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans and all that.

My sister thinks it's hilarious that there is now a Kindle in my bathroom where there used to be a book. In the increments that happen when I pee, I'm reading Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality and Great Expectations.

I relate to a degree that is beyond embarrassing and into "I'm not even embarrassed, this is just awesome" to freaking Sixx AM lyrics. I have officially gone from growing up with to growing old with, Nikki Sixx. Blared all too often on my way back into town from the train station:

This is a second coming
This is a call to arms
Your finest hour won't be wasted, wasted
You say it's all a crisis,
You say it's all a blur
There comes a time you gotta face it, face it
Hey, hey - hell is what you make
Rise against your fate
Nothing's gonna keep you down,
Even if it's killing you
Because you know the truth
Listen up, listen up
There's a devil in the church
Got a bullet in the chamber and
This is gonna hurt
Let it out, let it out
You can scream and you can shout
But keep your secrets in the shadows and
You'll be sorry -
Everybody's on the run
And everybody's getting numb
Keep your secrets in the shadows and you'll be sorry

************

Are you with me now?
Come back from the dead -
You've been inside your head for too long
Are you with me now?
Find the places that scare you -
Come on I dare you
Are you with me?

I've been thinking about Ananda being dyslexic, as Aaron's reading and writing abilities rapidly approach hers (he's just over a year younger than her and more than a year behind in every other way, since she's so advanced EXCEPT for these areas). Some of you may remember me mentioning dyslexia as a possibility with her as far back as two years ago - her biological father has it and it is hereditary, so while I wasn't, like, on guard for it or anything I did think of it when she started doing the really stereoptypical things like not being able to tell b, d, p and q apart reliably or writing most numbers backwards. Some quick research showed me that was not AT ALL enough to make a diagnosis like that, though, and that most people aren't comfortable diagnosing a 5 year old, anyway. As months passed, I watched her do things like read "was" as "saw" and write whole sentences backwards - mirror image backwards, each letter backwards, each word, and the whole thing from right to left. As if you were seeing it in a mirror. And she would have no idea. I got my yearly FPEA (Florida Parent Educators' Association) "Guide to Homeschooling" last Fall and it really made me stop and think, yeah, this is her - it had a fairly extensive article along with a list of signs that was her to a T. It included things I hadn't connected with dyslexia before, such as not recognizing a new or unique word/name you're reading again and again, but continuing to be stumped by it each time you see it (within a single page, for example, we were seeing Mr Rosso every other sentence, and EVERY SINGLE TIME she had to stop confused and struggle to sound out "Rosso" - just no recognition). And not being able to read in the car or if a book is held up in the air, as well as if it's laying down on a flat, stationary surface (she almost can't read at all, if it's up or in the car). The article talked a lot about the advantages of homeschooling a kid like this because of the necessary extra attention and one-on-one, along with really saving their self-esteem from the suckiness of being singled out or put in LD classes.

Tonight I did more copious research and came across some identical and pretty comprehensive lists of symptoms that cover many areas - reading, writing, motor skills, cognition, behavior, all kinds of things. The entire list can be viewed here, among other places - http://www.dyslexia.com/library/symptoms.htm but I copied and pasted all the relevant-to-Annie bits under a cut here. Which was almost all of it. It was really like a revelation to read this and see it all interconnected...Grant and I both were kind of blown away. It's like, "Our daughter described and understood by strangers".

( relevant portions of symptom sheet )

I was just going to sit on this, but Grant thought it was so obvious that I present it to her honestly and without taboos attached. I'm so glad he's around to give me input like that:
I talked to HER about dyslexia, in a very neutral way - that her brain works differently and it makes sense, genetically with Bobby, and it explains a lot of things like how she used to stutter very badly when she felt self conscious, and how she gets so incredibly upset when I want her to read aloud, sometimes, and just REFUSES until it escalates into a battle of wills (when she's otherwise totally compliant). We talked about how we can work through it together knowing these things and also how it is part of why she has always been such a great painter and incredible dancer, and so creative with making up stories and building things. How she gets carsick. I think she's proud of it in the end and sort of relieved, because (G was totally right about this) she has definitely "noticed" something is up by now - I mean she'll get an entire page of math work right, but every single digit will be backwards and she has to go back and erase and write them ALL again. Almost every time. I explain something verbally, and she just looks at me confused, and I try again, and she's more baffled, and I get to where I'm thinking ANANDA YOU TALK LIKE A GENIUS AND UNDERSTAND VERY COMPLEX STUFF, THIS IS JUST SIMPLE DIRECTIONS. The other day she came up to me and said, "Why do you call these drinks 'Odwalla' when the bottle says 'DoWalla'?" Earlier she asked me, "Is 'unless' spelled 's-e-l-l-u-n"? We looked around Amazon together and ordered two books - The Gift of Dyslexia, which is mostly for me, and "My name is Brain Brian", a chapter book about a boy with undiagnosed dyslexia struggling through school and then figuring things out and getting better.

We had this talk along with Aaron, during our "the three of us uninterrupted" talking before bedtime reading. I also told Aaron all about SID for the first time. He was totally shocked to learn that when he was Isaac's age, he couldn't say anything well enough to be understood by strangers, and he only vaguely remembers demanding long sleeves and soft long pants every single day on pain of thrashing tantrums for more than a year. He thinks it's hilarious that he had to go to bed in pitch black darkness to sleep as a baby and REALLY hilarious that this is why we started doing massages and why we got a trampoline (deep tissue massage and jumping are two of the most useful therapies, though we also just "keep it in mind" all the time by pulling him aside to do things isolated from distractions and remembering that he doesn't always understand what's appropriate socially). And I talked up the awesome things about how it helps him appreciate beauty so much more than most kids, and it's why he LOVES just walking through JoAnn's touching every piece of fabric he can get his hands on, and why he can smell or hear something way before the rest of us. I think it seemed like a magic trick to him, that I realized all these things about him that he didn't and that there is a serious motivation between things he didn't realize I was purposely doing (like when he said, with a grin, "So THAAAAAT'S why anytime I'm going crazy you tell me to go jump on the trampoline"). In the end they were both actually feeling all special and unique, with expanded self-awareness, so I say I've done my job...I'm wondering in a way why we waited so long to let Aaron hear the letters "SID", but at the same time I'm glad we did because it's not really something limiting him now. He was like an SID case-study when we started understanding it...it's good to be able to say a lot of "remember" and not quite so much "That's why..." SID is actually something you can usually, hopefully outgrow, as long as it's well-treated, and he seems to be doing that. Ananda is alright with her "thing" being long-term since she sees it, in addition to making some things harder, as making her a brilliant artiste, and she is all about anything that can make her "weird" or "strange" lately anyway, saying "weird is cool!" and "strange is good!" constantly. Me all over again, that girl :p

I nearly died when at the end of this talk Aaron demanded, as if it all suddenly made sense, "So what the heck is wrong with ISAAC?!" We all laughed a lot while I tried to explain that Isaac is just "high needs", and "intense", some people say "spirited". Annie said, "Yeah, that means he's just a pain in the butt" ;) I think there are just lines with Isaac, that usually line up for people, but with him they don't - like for me, if things are awesome, I'm REALLY happy. If things are awesome, Isaac is a little bit happy. If they're good, he's neutral. If things are neutral, he's upset. If things are a little bad, he's totally miserable. It's like it just takes a lot more to push him "up", mood-wise. I have told Grant a lot of times that I really hope he can grow out of it, because I imagine him as he is turning into an adult that just doesn't know how to be happy, and basically never is. But a very clever, articulate, adorable miserable person with freckles and bright blue eyes :p


I am happily waiting on a whole gaggle of packages. I'll cut them because this is getting really long.
( WooHoo Mail - with links to pictures so you can OOooh and Aaah with me! )

1, Re: My Update Earlier.

It sucks so much that the trampoline is gone! It's ok, you know, we're one of two houses on our street that has electricity, and my dad's house in the keys was completely flooded. My Aunt Michelle lost her car. But now that we've prayed thanks a bunch of times and felt blessed and cooked a real meal and are cleaning up the yard...sigh. The whole time I was pregnant I was itching to get on that thing with the kids and waiting for the moment I could, and the moment I'm recovering...it's gone! I watched Grant and my sister and my little brother and Robby and even my mom jump on that thing with envy, and now I've missed my chance!

2. JAKE!!

We talked to HIS doctor today, and for awhile, and have Saturday afternoon set as homecoming, now :) It was seeming impossibly long, but then I was talking to Ananda on our way home from the hospital today and explaining it like "This is Wednesday, tomorrow is Thursday, then Friday, and Saturday he can come home" and all of a sudden it seemed really soon. When I got up there today, his nurse had him out of the bed in a little infant seat, playing with him with toys. So I automatically liked her and felt glad about that, but then she also said that she had told people all day that you can tell he's had nothing but breastmilk because of his perfect complexion :D I don't necessarily buy that, Ananda and Aaron and Isaac all had nothing but breastmilk and also had plenty of jaundice and infant acne, but hey. It's better than last night's nurse who was saying formula's better because it "packs a punch - breastmilk is too light". :::head explodes:::

Misc.

-I got a birthday card from Sara today - thank you :D Jumping and trusting that the net will appear is just how life has been, lately...
-Isaac has been cracking us UP. I wish I could explain it to all of you. He's just so hilarious and adorable, all the time. He's been wearing little flannel shirts, and his hair is getting so long. When he nurses he hums songs.
-And Ananda is so helpful, and sweet. She and I spent some time alone today and did a lot of reading last night, and I am just overwhelmed by how great she is. And how big, and old, and smart. I hug her and it's like she's as big as I am and we've grown up together.
-Aaron and I have shared lots of affection and a decent bedtime story, but I'm finding it very trying to be patient with him. He's increasingly unresponsive, to a very very frustrating point. It's a paradox though, as far as patience and tolerance, because the more impossible he's being the more important it is to be nurturing and extra careful, or he just gets worse. And taking time out to really go one on one with him is the only thing that fixes it, just when it's hardest to say "Aaron, we need to do a puzzle together, just the two of us" or whatever. Grant and I both are having to step back and recognize SID several times a day, and work with it rather than fight against it.
-I've lost two more pounds, putting me at only 1 1/2 pounds over my prepregnancy weight, though my belly is still bigger than it was then. My cut and stitchedness is still swollen, under the skin.
-We were going to make cookies with my mixer tonight, but after searching half a dozen closed or empty stores we decided it wasn't worth wasting the gas that Grant waited in a two hour line for.