altarflame | Entries tagged with c25k

Because of some reading I was doing for my Health Psychology class, I have spent the last 10 minutes researching morbid obesity, which I qualify for with my big ass BMI. Just my big ass, really, haha.

The shit I'm seeing is SO OVER THE TOP RIDICULOUS. From an eHow article: The morbidly obese live a lifestyle that is significantly impaired by their weight; most can't move without assistance. Uh, I power walked all over a university campus this afternoon, several times, and took my son on a bike ride this evening. Those are normal things for me to do multiple times per week.

My Health Psychology textbook talks about the health risks of morbid obesity, and they include things like not being able to have imaging tests penetrate your fat, or have a blood pressure cuff fit, or sit in a normal wheelchair if you have an accident (I've never had any issue with any of these things - and I get my blood pressure taken A LOT these past months. FYI, it's low normal). They also go on about how the morbidly obese often can't see a doctor since it's so hard to get in and out of cars, or the offices themselves.

Perhaps we need to change the cut off ranges or something, because I have no idea what they are on about. I live in the fucking car and at doctor's offices, unfortunately, and for non-fat related reasons :p I suppose that since "morbid obesity" includes both 235 pound people and 935 pound people (and right on up to infinity), it's easy to say "most"? I dunno, man.

ANYWAY.

On a tangential note, I have finally had enough B12 shots to feel like I can exercise! Because while basic mobility was not a logistical issue, I have just had zero energy + constant joint pain while anemic, and most of all NO AIR to exercise with (B12 is necessary for the production of red blood cells, which carry oxygen throughout your body). Restarting C25K Sunday was soooooo different than when I started for the first time, last August. That whole debacle makes so much more sense to me now! I have normal "hard exercise" symptoms, now, like sweating a little and muscle soreness the next day. Not I-am-going-to-die breathing issues. Breathing was my main issue before, with joint pain as a second. Way better! "Just" sweating and having muscle soreness seems like a freakin' breeze.

And I almost never have any "resting pain" at all now. It's pretty awesome and still sometimes just astounds me.

I started writing a long, rambling entry one day last week, about all kinds of things, that got closed but auto-saved with the site. I got too busy teaching children and running around to ever finish it, and am not sure it's very interesting anyway, but ( here it is. )

C25K almost killed me yesterday. It was suddenly hard like it was before I could do day 1, again. I'm not sure why W2D2 was so unexpectedly vicious, though I was going a little faster than normal and my stomach felt slightly off.

Grant's doing it with me! Which neither of us expected. It's cool, though.

It's 9/11 today, so my whole facebook wall is awash in semi-transparent eagles superimposed over skyscrapers. There are really awful shots of wreckage, and inspiring shots of search and rescue dogs being flown in via helicopter-towed-scaffolding, and paragraphs from super sincere people that I love - all entreating me to "never forget." It reminds me of how devastated Aaron was to learn about the whole tragedy for the first time, a couple of years ago. Profile pics have been changed to memorial spaces. The ads on my sidebar are for various patriotic charities.

In the midst of all that, an old friend of mine posted a set of plush towers with stuffed planes sticking out of them, and anthropomorphic felt tongues sticking out, and Xs over their eyes. He said LOOK HOW ADORABLE THEY ARE.

I laughed. With relief. Awhile later, after I read the casualty statistics again, and then the "I lived in NYC that day" first person horror story, and then told Ananda about how scary that day was for us personally (because she's on facebook now, so she asked), the same friend posted a link to "Why I'm really sad today." Apparently, a Nickelback album came out on 9/11/01.

This is helpful! I don't want to be held hostage to the obligatory misery of 9/11 every year. I don't want any part of it. I went doing some research, you know, and almost 3,000 people died that day, and that really fucking sucks. But then a few years later in New Orleans, almost 2,000 people died in Hurricane Katrina. And then much more recently, somewhere between 19,000 and 25,000 people died in Japan, in a series of disasters that is STILL SPEWING RADIATION EVERYWHERE. Right now, in Syria, God Knows What is happening to children on playgrounds, just like it has every day for the last however many months. There's a lot of REALLY BAD SHIT out there, a whole lot. Most of it isn't here, so we like to pretend it's not as important as the things that happen here are, just. *sigh*

If I had died that day, it would make me happy to know my kids managed to laugh at jokes about the event that caught them off guard, after being bombarded for twelve years.

I was thinking about the whole concept of laughing about things you are Not Supposed To Laugh At, and the old "Healing Through Tragicrafting" Regretsy posts that used to happen every year on this day. Then Pandora busted out with Amanda Palmer's song, "Oasis."

If you don't know, "Oasis" is about a girl who gets date raped, ends up having an abortion that is heavily picketed by Christian protesters, and has her friends turn on her as though she's a whore after someone gossips about the whole thing. The song character is a teenager and the silver lining that allows her to be happy in spite of it all is that she's writing to her favorite band (Oasis, hence title), they actually write back, and she's got tickets to see them play live.

The clincher is that the whole song is set to a Beach Boys type melody - it's a poppy, happy, upbeat tune, with a goofy, intentionally parody-style video.

It really pisses a lot of people off. Other people just roll their eyes and talk about Amanda Palmer trying to shock people for attention.

But Amanda Palmer talks about how old it gets, being miserable about having these things happen to you. How terrible it feels to always have to talk about these topics as very heavy, very hard things, when they're your life. She's been date raped, she's had an abortion, blah blah blah. She's definitely been the writing-back "band" that made victimized young people happy, too. I imagine that as a performer who gets interviewed all the time, and talks to fans a lot, heavy issues get especially repetitive and heavy. My inference is, how freeing and awesome is it to throw that weight off?!

Positive YouTube commenters on the video have opinions like:

Its how she has chosen to belittle her own attacker and show how although her rape was horrible she didn't let it ruin her whole life.

and

shes not joking about rape :) shes showing how normal people think it is through a happy song and silly video

Anyway. I did some recon and am gonna embed some junk here now. Original video:

Here's her live on stage, talking about it, and then playing the song slowly like it's sad, as well as the normal way. She says some really great stuff at the beginning. Like, "when you cease to have a sense of humor about the darkness in life, that's when the darkness takes over..." and more.

I'm starting to crack up again, feelin all...mentally ill.

What I mean is the kids seem more irritating, and things I have to do seem more undoable, and I'm just wasting huge amounts of time in semi-sadness. There is this slow cascade of factors that has contributed -

1.) A surgeon contacted me online, not as a surgeon, but as a person who is also interested in neuroplasticity - but then he found out I have a hernia, and wanted details, and I saw pictures of him in scrubs, and the whole thing just got a little, uh, icky? For lack of better phrasing? It wasn't a huge deal, EXCEPT...

2.) That it happened the same day (last Friday) that our well-meaning dentist did what everyone does when they learn a little about our family medical history...she launched into OR horror stories as the two of us stood across the hall from where Annie and Isaac were being handled by oral hygienists. I haven't really developed the ability to put my finger to another person's lips and say, "Stop right there. You are about to fuck me up for days, so just hush." Instead, I now know about the hospital wing that was closed down after a woman who was there to donate a kidney to her brother got the wrong artery nicked, bled out, died on the table, and then her brother got very bad news and died, without kidneys (since hers were ruined). It's hard for me to even focus on that shit long enough to type the words out. I just start dissociating like a motherfucker. But I really think this is worse when I don't directly deal. It's like I give triggers power by avoiding them at all costs and sometimes I just have to try to plow through, stiff and weird as it might make me...

I spent the weekend far too tense, trying to not be aware of the lumps on my abdomen that start to feel very "ticking time bomb." Then, I had a couple of the recurring nightmares it had been a long time since I'd seen around, and subsequently spent way too many hours lying awake in bed. I did a third of the homework I should have and spazzed on Grant Sunday night (meaning, lost all interest in sex after stellar foreplay and suddenly just wanted to go to sleep).

Barf. I hate this shit.

I go back to counseling Monday. It's been a few weeks, because of some scheduling issues. I have a standing appointment at the same time every week, now.

I'm also trying to reach out to people, because I've definitely been isolated, and that definitely makes me vulnerable to PTSD, as stated 700 million times...Gloria was here all afternoon and evening Monday, I hemmed 5 pairs of her pants and fed her dinner and plied her with wine :) Been facebookin' people, and textin/callin people... My sister is unavailable because her kids are sick with some terrible thing I don't want making it's way over here.

My editor messaged me yesterday - there is some YouTube channel devoted to authors reading their own erotic stories every week, that is switching to horror for Halloween, and Editor thinks my horror story - Which is in this little 2.99 e-trilogy of horror my publisher put out last year - would be perfect. So I may be reading it and being featured on her site and linking that here, which is cool :) I'm proud of that story, because it's the first time I've written something in a formulaic way meant to elicit a particular reader response (aside from essays being meant to elicit As). And it works. It does what it's supposed to do - creeps people the fuck out :)

So I'm doing something completely different.

Exercising. <--I know, right, who knew that was even possible.

I downloaded the Couch to 5k (c25k) app on my phone 2 weeks ago, after doing some research, and being inspired by someone I know who has WAY more obstacles than I do, and is still pushing through this program.

Let me just say, I haven't ran in years (aside from a few feet at a time to tickle-chase someone or something like that). Many years. Like it was multiple major surgeries ago, before I had this hernia, shin splints that resurface, and the beginnings of arthritis. I also weighed probably 75 pounds less than I do now. I'm also getting over some kind of chest congestion/cough, AND was on day 1 (aka spotting, and cramping) of my period. But...I've had the cough for almost a month, that happens to me a couple of times a year, and I'm on my debilitating period for like a week out of every month. The point is I had been motivated for awhile and was tired of waiting. No time like the present, blah blah blah.

So, much to my mortification, I was not at all capable of doing the proposed day 1 of C25k. AT ALL. What I was able to do was the initial brisk 5 minute walk warmup, followed by 60 seconds of jogging, then 90 seconds of walking, then 60 seconds of jogging.

Then I laid down, near hyperventilating, red-faced with my heart pounding, on some bleachers and honestly thought I was going to puke for several minutes. Instead I very gradually got past some weird dizziness and finally limp-panted to the bathroom to splash water all over myself, and then to my car, where I spent awhile in a semi-recline with actual rivulets of sweat running down me, trying to recover.

I'm not exaggerating at all, here, which I realize is ridiculous. What blows my mind is that I walk (and ride my bike) kinda a lot! For longer periods of time than that, multiple times per week. I'm rushing across the giant FIU campus, running late, for 15 minutes multiple times a week. There are even bursts of stairs, and inclines, there, and I don't struggle with that. I bike and walk around our neighborhood with my kids regularly (sometimes with someone on the back of my bike with me). I had no idea little 60 second increments of jogging would basically cripple me.

I mean, wtf. Live and learn.

Later that evening my legs were on fire and I was wincing from having to use the freakin' gas and brake pedal to go to the airport and pick Grant up. I was also deeply convicted that I never want to be this out of shape again - not even when I'm 70. I mean OF COURSE I can't lose weight no matter what dietary changes I make, I have barely enough muscle to move around, my metabolism is basically stopped.

Anyway, that was Thursday, Aug 1. The following Wednesday morning (7th), which was a little later than I'd wanted but not terrible (given that I hadn't wanted to go when I was REALLY bleeding since activity amps that up), I went over to a local park to try again. I had made peace with the idea that I'm going to need a pre-week1-week (or two...) to get up to speed for the actual program. Cough has not subsided, and I've had some bizarre flare like tiredness (and hand red spots, and inability to grip...) too, but overall feeling ok.

That time, I did the 5 minute warm-up power walk, 60 second jog #1 AND COULD STILL BREATHE AND IT WASN'T TERRIBLE JUST HARD, then 90 second walk, 60 second jog #2 AND NOW IT WAS JUST LIKE JOG 1 HAD BEEN THE FIRST TIME, a third 90 second walk, and 60 second jog #3.

My aftermath was just as dramatic - almost panicky inability to catch my breath for whole minutes, heart still pounding after a bathroom face-splashing trip and the (short) drive home, red faced when I walked in and collapsed, etc. BUT, I was not as sore afterward as I'd been the first day, AND I'd completed an extra jog. I was actually bolstered by this meager accomplishment, because it meant I was already stronger than I'd been a week before.

If there's anything I've learned in the past few years, it's that I can move my life in the direction I want it to go. It might be very gradual, or in fits and starts, but motion is still progress - whether that be with writing and publication, or my kids' educations, or earning degrees, or therapy for myself. I feel like this is a very simple but very powerful concept: it keeps me from being overwhelmed by the size of the hurdles or length of waiting, which in turn makes almost anything (at least eventually) possible. With that in mind, I feel really really good about this whole fitness process.

Part of what makes patience and big time frames more doable in my perception is just the way time FLIES, now...my mother in law is down, right? And she told me on the phone last week before she came that she hasn't been down in a YEAR. I almost couldn't believe it, when she said that - but it's true, after I sat and thought about it. A whole fucking year. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? That's life, though. It's somehow been almost a year since I saw my Dad for 20 minutes, and a year since the time before that :/ If it takes me a year to be stronger, faster and more energetic, that's basically nothing. That's, you know, something that would already be done now if I'd started a year ago (i.e., yesterday).

Today was day 3. My goal was just to do 4 jogs instead of 3, and keep increasing the number of jogs one by one like that until I get to where I can actually do the proposed, actual C25k day 1 (which is to do the brisk 5 minute warmup walk, and then alternate 60 second jogs and 90 minute walks for 20 more minutes - which is 8 jogs total). Then, days 1, 2 and 3 of week 1 are all the same/repeats. It doesn't get harder til you've done it three times, in other words, which will probably work ok once I get there.

Today, I did not just do 4, I actually did 5 :) And the first one was EASY and I was actually catching my breath during the walk after the SECOND ONE. This is big! Both my progress and my ability to glory in it!

I don't know what exactly clicked in my brain about this that made exercise seem less horrible, but, I'm happy about it. For most of my life what I'm describing here would just seem like the sort of horrific, painful, embarrassing shit I'd have no interest in. Maybe it helps that basically everyone I know over 25 who is NOT in any way infirm or losing some degree of mobility, exercises. Nancy is 70 years old and still walks or swims hard every single morning, and it seems obvious to me that that plays in to her overall health and general with-it-ness.

I'm kinda considering the idea of using a treadmill sometimes, since we have a YMCA membership and that's supposed to be easier on joints. Maybe after I get to actual day 1 I will, sometimes. My shin splints started to get intense, today, towards the end. Somehow I still feel more self-conscious about exercising in a gym with (the horror :p) GYM PEOPLE, as opposed to out at a park where half the people are sitting on benches watching little kids play, or enjoying the wi-fi.

My goal here is to eventually be doing C25K (and after those 8 weeks, some other thing like that) 3 times a week, and doing arm exercises with handweights some of those other days. I can't use other styles of weights because of my hernia, but because of that hernia and it impeding my lifting anything for years, my arms are (somewhat swollen) wet noodles.

Great visual, eh?

Anyway, yeah! Onward and upward! I'm sore and I like it! Whatever else I should say here, except really!

-the latest in a string of really productive and helpful counseling sessions

-5 wake up calls, breakfasts served, lunches packed, and camp drop offs, for Isaac, Jake and Elise

-feeling really lonely really often, and getting frustrated with how hard to reach and unable to talk Grant and my sister are

-feeling a spectrum from guilt to irritation about a few people who are calling and texting me really often, that I don't feel up to talking to - like this one chick from school who sent me 8 emails and kept calling til 10:30 the other night, when she was having final exam anxiety, and how my mother and grandfather are really eager for me to talk to my Nana - but only when all the kids are here and not after 8 and my phone gets no reception inside while I try to cook, all these caveats that basically make it really hard

-lots of communication with this new prospective illustrator for my nieces-and-nephews series of children's books

-not enough communication with my editor about where my royalty check is

-installing the C25K app

-making tacos, and a pot of soup, roasting chickens and vegetables, slicing a million tomatoes, browning too many mushrooms, heating frozen pizzas, cooking this stuff, french pressing (never enough) coffee

-hacking my lungs out anytime I talk too loud or too much

-drinking soooo much emergen-C, and forcing it on kids left and right, too

-two trips to the airport

-two dance rehearsals for Aaron

-one grocery run

-one gas station

-a totally creepy late night involving my (exterior) bedroom door being unlocked with my curtains moved, that was probably just about my kids, but also featured me seeing Grant's stupid fake arm and bloody hand sticking out from under the bed, SO I ALMOST DIED BASICALLY

-gratitude for and hosting of Gloria, who picked up the Grant's-in-Maryland slack so we could do what we normally do (mostly rides and supervision while I was in school)

-cumulative hour and a half coaching Annie through GCFs, turning improper fractions into mixed numbers, common multiples, longer division, inverse operations...if we don't work on math concepts for awhile, it seems, she COMPLETELY forgets them as though she never knew...

-triumph when she finished her (high school! as was the guitar class she finished) science class with an improved grade

-4 hours of late night studying

-lots of ongoing thoughts on Robert Maslow and self actualization - I uploaded 10 pages worth of my textbook here hoping other people would want to talk about it

-2 final exams, one other exam, and one quiz

-selling my textbooks back

-accepting my fall financial aid package, getting my disbursement dates, and being totally irritated by how EVERY FUCKING CLASS IS FILLING UP AND THERE WILL BE NOTHING ELSE BY THE TIME I CAN REGISTER ON THE 6TH

-starting my period

-feeling too aroused to live or be in public, too distracted by erotic fantasies, and too foot-stomping OVER sexual frustration (the frustration part, not the sexual part)

-scheduling our homeschool evaluations

-lots of texting about bee keeping resources with a PATH kid

-taking 300 selfies and then deleting 295 of them <--those are slight exaggerations

-conversation with a woman at school about why Santeria means she can't take a class on voodoo

-realizing I blew a speaker in our new car (THANKS FLORENCE I'LL PUT THAT ON YOUR TAB WITH THE DRUMMING SONG SPEEDING TICKETS)

-actually doing a modified day 1 of couch to five k (with sneakers on! Out in public!) and damn near dying

-cathartic and wonderful welcome home sex leading directly to blacking out and then sleeping in

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Life's been good to me so far

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

Entries tagged with c25k

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Hey, guys, heeeeeey....

C25K (Updating all sweaty and red-faced)

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