My Poor Aaron | somewhat better me | conjecture | Grizzle

[altarflame]

This morning, after I took Grant to the train and Elise to preschool, Aaron woke in terrible pain - crying uncontrollably, even yelling. It was his swollen glands.

Aaron got what was diagnosed as mumps (he was fully vaccinated at this point and there was some argument among professionals) at 3, his face swelled up like a chipmunk, and ever since whenever he gets ill, his glands get big and tender. Throughout the last year or so, though, they seem to swell and feel tender more often - almost continuously at times. It's been hard to decipher what's going on with them since Christmas, since we have had two different illnesses that have lasted weeks and they're often subtly enlarged or slightly sensitive.

Four days ago, though, with all of us better, his glands suddenly got huge like I haven't seen them in a long time. It was a Saturday and I didn't think it was worth the ER. He layed around a lot. Sunday (Easter) was the same - he layed on a couch under a blanket while the rest of us dyed eggs on the deck, and didn't eat much candy since he can barely chew :/ Yesterday it seemed a lot better - they'd gone way down and hurt a bit less. No fever.

Then today, wailing and gnashing of teeth first thing. It takes a LOT for Aaron to act like that. The silver lining in this situation is that it snapped me immediately out of my funk and into focused action. Also, Dr Geraldi was able to see us this morning and Ms Denise didn't mind keeping Elise longer.

My pediatrician - this guy -


He has a bit of a fixation.

(I apologize for my nausea-inducing angles, I didn't really get it until I saw it myself)

And we love him, and he is amazing. He came in, with his gray braided rat tail and his heavily embroidered and colorfully sewn jeans, in his Spiderman lab coat, knowing us well enough on sight to ask about all my other kids by name. This is the guy my Aunt DeeDee used to drive all the way from Key West to see, for my twin cousins, and there was actually someone there from Orlando today. He checks Annie for anemia via nail beds and eye lids rather than doing bloodwork, he diagnosed Isaac's appendicitis in his office, and he's been cheering for Elise from day 1.

So, it's a little disconcerting to see him calling in his assistant, trading notes, looking things up on his iPhone, and hypothesizing.

Anyway his leading theory is that the glands are catching a lot of drainage from the illnesses and Aaron's allergies and they're clogged and possibly now colonizing bacteria the same way our ears can. So we're doing allergy meds, decongestants and antibiotics - and he's gotta stay on ibuprofen and pedialyte around the clock so as not to get super dehydrated, since it was hurting too much for him to eat or drink and that was becoming a problem :/ He goes back Friday.

With all that in him, he was like a new albeit low energy man and wanted to go to TLC like usual.

Again I enjoyed a good day...good as in, I felt like myself and was able to do things and act human. We picked up Elise, filled prescriptions, had pasta and sauce for lunch, went to TLC. I did some dishes and had a dinner plan. I'm enjoying Grant's company.

Somebody last night left a lengthy comment suggesting she thinks I'm bipolar. Having known several bipolar people well over the years, online and IRL, my first instinct was to say "No way", but I do spend an awful lot of time thinking I need to come back and explain how good things actually are and how excited I am about x, y and z, as well as thinking it's important to emphasize just how awful it is and how I can't deal anymore. So for the hell of it, I took an online assessment that seems to be relatively widely accepted and hosted by fairly respectable looking sites, and was like, wtf?! I got a 51 and a 48 the two times I did it, 53 being the highest possible most bipolar score O_o Lots of words like severe and where to start to get help.

I talked with Grant about this for awhile. I know a LOT about bipolar because of the people I've interacted with over the years who suffer from/through it, and if that is me I think that I either have a higher set point, mood-wise, than what I've seen in others, or else I don't have the piggy backing disorders, or it's a newer development...or all three? I'm going to the doctor either way, I had already decided I want my thyroid tested because, truly, I fit that picture to a T as well. Who the hell knows.

---

Tonight, I want to tell you how incredibly cheap it is to make a big pot of lentil soup for dinner with a bunch of chilled pineapple for dessert. Onions, (tons of) garlic, carrots, celery, chicken and beef broth (cubes for me), tomato juice (I use some from canned tomatoes and then save the actual tomatoes for something else), lentils, water, salt, seasoned salt. It's so delicious! You can garnish it so many ways and serve it with bread or salad or bruschetta or antipasto or nothing. All of my kids tear it up, and a pot big enough for all 7 of us plus lunch for a couple of people the next day is only ~$4 with me buying all the ingredients at BJ's.

Then 3 big cans of pineapple out of a case into the freezer and that's about a $2.50 dessert for all the kids. Ran through the food processor frozen and eaten with a spoon they go crazy.

And I'd like to mention, in case anyone hasn't realized this yet, that you can google image search coupons for any restaurant you're going in, pull them up on your phone, and the waittress/cashier can scan it. The 7 of us consistently do healthy all you can eat at Sweet Tomatoes for $21 this way (it would be about $58 without the coupon deals they keep renewing).

---

Last, look at my hot husband sweeping the bedroom floor after putting away tons of laundry and making the kids laugh the whole drive home:

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I was the bi-polar suggester and thank you, thank you! for not being upset. I know mental health is a touchy subject for most- myself included.

Sorry.. I'm about to get really wordy again.. please forgive me. Something I learned with my therapist is that bi-polar disorder isn't so black and white- normally indicated by super high highs, followed by really low lows. I inherited this shiz from my dads side of the family. His mom was mainly manic, with a touch of anger issues, and committed suicide in her 60's because she couldn't deal with the fact that my moms' attention was newly focused on her new grandbaby (my daughter) and not her (my mom was her anchor in life). My uncle (now 60ish) was diagnosed "manic depressive" (now known as bipolar) as a teenager when he went on a manic binge, followed by a suicide attempt, and hospitalized.. he's been on Lithium for 40+ years (and was hospitalized in the last 5 years, because he thought he'd be fine off meds, but went really manic, then abusive in the lows). I know my other uncle (55ish) was diagnosed bipolar in the last decade, but I'm not sure what his experience is. My dad (57) does not have any classic bipolar symptoms, but he's a low patience kinda guy, and angry, or angry-sounding all the time, and has been all my life. (And I really wish, for my own knowledge, that I could trace this history back further than my Gma.. it's so fascinating/sad how it trickles down).

As for me, I've always been kind of a negative bitch (angry, low tolerance for crap, low patience level). I dealt myself some rough blows in life (teenage mom x2, and their dad was abusive), and it's made me kinda pessimistic/ negative.. but I remember being an angry adolescent, throwing massive, selfish fits. I wish I could be a cheery, happy-go-lucky girl with rainbows shooting out my ass, but I feel fake whenever I try (FWIW, I can hide it when @ work/school, but I can't retain it). I've never had a manic-phase (minus when Prozac caused it), but sometimes I wish I could "go there". My official diagnosis is "mood disorder"- i'm just either annoyed, and tend to irrationally react like a teenager when pissed (I've got a theory on that re: abuse as a teenager).. or depressed. The mood stabilizers take the edge off so I can react with more patience, otherwise I feel like I'm spiraling down into a black pit seething with anger. It really fucking sucks. Raising kids, trying not to be a bitch, is HARD... they don't deserve it... but I'm doing the best I can. What also sucks is my daughter started showing classic bi-polar symptoms at 13- she's on Lamictal & Prozac, but my moody teen doesn't always take her meds *because she doesn't want to*, and it makes her anger exaggerated, followed by "life is pointless" depression. We had to deal with her hearing voices (medication induced, thankfully not schizophrenia), cutting, sex, drugs, alcohol, and near-hospitalization between the ages of 13 & 16- she's 17 and now just angry/mean. Our personalities clash hard because she's got my bitchyness, but I kinda think a lot of that is just because she learned it from me. :( :(

Sorry for the book, again.. TL:DR version- I would recommend talking to a mental health specialist- maybe your sons therapist, if you don't have one? You might not have the classic manic/low symptoms, but it doesn't mean there isn't something there- it *could* be adult onset bipolar. I was diagnosed at 29, along with generalized anxiety disorder... but, personally, after some serious soul-searching with my EMDR doc, I think I'm at least somewhat autistic (noise sensitivities= chaos in my head, I'm all about textures, finger tapping & fist/toe clenching, facial ticks when stressed, OCD counting/fixations)... but I've put enough crap on my therapists plate that I'm not about to ask for that diagnosis (especially since there probably isn't anything that would come of it).. but I honestly think it's all related on the same spectrum somehow.

~~

On a side, and honestly more important, note- I truly hope Aaron's doctor catches whatever the current ailment is and fixes it.. poor little guy, my heart goes out to him. And dude, his doctor ROCKS.. as does your awesome hubby. :)

[mama-blogess.livejournal.com]

Bipolar is a really common misdiagnosis for Asperger's Syndrome, especially in women because it presents a little differently. Asperger's might be worth looking into.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Definitely not - and I don't say that with any sort of disdain, the symptom lists just don't match up at all. I'm very socially at ease and don't focus on details at all :p Also, from what I read aspergers seems to be worst in childhood and adolescence and ease up a bit as you get older, and this is definitely something new or at least worsening.

ETA: I left an extremely in depth comment on my own history, as I perceive it at least, with mental health in a comment below that took 3 parts. You don't have to be interested in this, I'm just saying it in case you are.

[mama-blogess.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry, I meant to comment that to anonymous above who mentioned autism. I always get confused on how to use LJ's commenting - it appears to be nested on my computer so I thought it was a reply to her comment, not to your post.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

YOu did reply to her, she just left a comment that had so much in it that I was confused about which part of her comment you were responding to and misinterpreted!

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[altarflame.livejournal.com]

It's ok, I am really not at all easily offended. I always think it's funny when people say something along the lines of "maybe if you weren't such a stupid bitch" anonymously and then when they get called a troll they go off on this thing about how I call anyone who isn't singing my praises a troll - it's like, no. Not at all. I call anyone who is unwilling to have a respectful discussion and anonymously talks pointless insults without any additional input a troll. I'm pretty open about and ok with having flaws here.

Anyway, I think that I just had normal hormonal highs and lows as a teenager - if anything I kept it together surprisingly well considering the tumultuous nature of my life. I mean I was a middle schooler who performed with a drama group and participated in haunted houses and had a big group of friends and was obsessed with music, and a high-schooler making As in AP classes, with a part time job that I used to save up and buy my own car/pay insurance, who taught Sunday School classes and traveled with a Youth Ministry Committee. I did a lot of leadership stuff, and spent much time talking in front of groups. I wrote a lot of poetry and voluntarily pursued free counseling for things that happened to me as a younger kid, and took care of my cat and talked on the phone for many hours at a time, and planned for my future. My journals from those years are full of things like, "I feel like a philodendren in this flowing green dress, I spent 5 minutes just spinning in the courtyard during lunch, in a sun shower" and "Jess and I spent the whole afternoon talking with teachers about the documentaries they want to show next week" and a neverending list of things I thought were hilarious.

There were bad times, but they were reactionary (I was sad when my mom moved away and left me. I was scared when my stepfather abused my little brother. I cried in counseling as we worked through my molestation) and not the formless, indefinite sadness that comes with depression.

I remember being ANGRY very rarely - screaming on behalf of the abused brother once, aghast and ready to talk shit because my best friend was keeping drug use from me years later, stuff like that. I was never violent or destructive. I would argue with my Nana sometimes but I think that was because she was drunk most nights, and I didn't want to have to be living with her to begin with. For the most part I did all my assigned chores and suffered through her rules and enjoyed that they had a pool and played oldies all the time.

I've never been on any kind of psych meds.

My mom is depressive, I have always known this and she's been on and off various anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds for the last...17 years, I guess. She's never been willing to get counseling, exercise, eat well, DO THINGS, make friends, etc, with or without the meds, and makes consistently self-sabotaging life decisions. My brother is also depressive as well as deeply emotionally immature, and has been on an SSRI.

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[altarflame.livejournal.com]

But in most things I take FAR more after my Dad's side, where the real batshit crazy is - some depression in an aunt, I have a paranoid schizophrenic uncle who we may be a sociopath, my grandmother had bad dementia by about 55, and there is more if you dig. Thyroid problems too, which is part of my suspicion in that regard.

Ananda has been selectively mute following trauma, though with counseling, art therapy and time she has almost completely come out of it, and Isaac has some kind of issues we're (hopefully) working through, but for the most part I think they're all thriving well.

I feel like maybe I've always had manic periods, but they were also just fun times...running around the fair so excited about roller coasters that I had to jump and skip, calling in to work to go get an impromptu piercing, running out in a thunderstorm yelling and laughing at midnight. I used to say it felt like my skin was on too tight, and I would die if I didn't DO SOMETHING (like take an unplanned roadtrip we couldn't really afford or go swim naked in the ocean at 2 am). I definitely have the capacity to get very hyper-excited and have funx10, though I don't have any kind of anxiety to go with that or do anything I regret, really.

But I never experienced clinical-seeming depression until after 2007 (the year I did not get a vbac, had 2 major surgeries, spent about a month total in-patient and over 2 months total on opiates, Elise seemed doomed and then I almost died and was left with ongoing health problems, an inability to have more kids, and the need for further surgery). So 26-27 years old. INTENSIVE (we had the money so I was going twice weekly, 2 hour sessions) talk therapy with EMDR for 8 months really helped me immensely. I mean I went from sobbing every afternoon, never sleeping at night, nightmares whenever I did rest, just a MESS, to being a pretty much normal person who maintains some PTSD triggers that I can usually deal with fairly easily on my own when they come up with some strategies I learned.

The biggest thing I used throughout childhood, and catch myself using now, to cope, is dissociation (well, and emotional eating, but that just makes me fat and not crazy :p). There are a lot of ways I do it and I score very very high on tests for dissociative disorder, including one administered by a counselor. Interestingly, I think dissociation could be helping to limit the damage I do to my life due to "whatever this is" - I have what I refer to as the ringmaster, in my brain. This is where I really start to sound like a nut. But the part of me that represses memories until I'm ready to deal with them, and avoids triggers, all unconsciously, I refer to that way. The ultimate "in charge" part of me that I can't access but is running the show. When I get really depressed or really wild, that part of me kicks in and pulls back and I end up in a dissociate state (feeling I'm not a part of what's happening, looking at it all from a 3rd person perspective), but continue to go through motions. Elise gets to preschool, I go to class, I make a good breakfast for everyone and make sure animals are taken care of and hug everyone - then come in my room and things focus behind a locked door and I cry my eyes out for no reason and wonder how I can go on. Then things recede again and I make tea, do online classwork, assign work, talk to Jake about the lego thing he built, all sort of numb/struggling way deep down, sort of like the ringmaster has the nutso part of me smothering under something but unable to take control. I totally avoid friends and tend to get distant from Grant, when I'm that dissociative, because I tend to feel as though I'm in the back of my brain looking out through some eyeballs wondering if whoever I'm talking to can feel how hollow the conversation is and sense that I'm acting. Grant totally CAN tell, and asks me things like "Where are you right now?" It's easy to read books out loud to people on autopilot though, and brush my teeth, and then get in the van alone and come back to myself and blare music and get a speeding ticket and go oops and check out again.

3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal :p

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

The point I guess is that it's generally very easy for me to keep myself in a vice grip such that I don't do the sort of crazy shit crazy people usually do to out themselves, and also I'm extremely capable of making up scenarios in my head and participating in them in ways that make me feel better. But I still start to think damnit this is not ok, when I see that I'm spending all my time in my head and I'm constantly "checked out".

For instance I spent almost all of 2010 checked out, and it wasn't until an old friend got back in touch and asked me about my real life that I realized I'd been letting it pass me by. And I freaked and stopped dissociating totally for awhile, and focused on my marriage and getting an education and making a writing career happen. But I'm slipping back lately, after a really long spell of hardly ever slipping. It's scaring me that if I don't rely on dissociation, I am a fucking mess, so I kind of have to do it A LOT or I'm gonna ruin all kinds of things (my marriage, my kids' lives, my chance at a degree, my health, etc). And it's much more scary that, sometimes, dissociation is not even enough and I do slip and out myself :/

Anyway all that to say, it is not the dissociation that's currently worrying me at all, it's what the fuck is making me feel like if I don't constantly dissociate I will fall to pieces and die. I mean usually as a grown up I only dissociate hardcore if I'm being wheeled into an OR or have untreated PTSD spiraling out of control, so WHAT IS THIS HAPPENING NOW? NOTHING Is happening now. So why can't I deal with life?!

You thought you were being tl;dr - I spit in the direction of your petty excuse for tl;dr! :p

Re: 3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

You can have a mood disorder that isn't bipolar or depression as well.

I think the most important question is this: Is your life being seriously affected by your issues? (Whatever those are for you.)

It's the same criteria I have for my son, and the same question I asked about Issac forever ago. I think that when the issues get serious enough to interfere with functioning and/or quality of life- I think at that point it might be helpful to get some outside professional assessment.

Re: 3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal

[mama-blogess.livejournal.com]

I had birth trauma in 2006 which resulted in severe PTSD which lasted for about 4 years. I then co-founded the organization Solace for Mothers: Healing After Traumatic Childbirth. I'm just telling you that to explain I know more than the average person about birth trauma issues. Anyway, I don't know if it's relevant to your situation or not, but I went through a period about 2 and a half years after the birth trauma where I started to suspect I had Cyclothymia (a lesser degree of bipolar). I started, for the first time in my life, cycling between severe depressions and high periods (not at all what I would call manic, just revved up, get a whole lot done, periods of time). This is when I started seeing a psychiatric nurse (in addition to my therapist) and she prescribed both meds and supplements. I took the supplements but opted not to take the meds. I also realized that the EMDR was putting me into severe depressions, and likely causing the cycling itself because I would then take a break from the EMDR and come out of the depression to a revved up state and get a ton of things done, then try EMDR again and become severely depressed. So I stopped the EMDR, started the supplements, and my mood leveled out again. I also dissociate sometimes. Dissociation is a coping mechanism for trauma. I had some early childhood trauma so dissociation became ingrained before I could really even talk, which makes it all incredibly difficult to work through. Having later trauma that triggers childhood trauma reinforces all of those coping mechanisms that were established in childhood. So what I am saying is that this could all be trauma or PTSD related. It might not be either, it would take a person skilled in trauma issues to really tease it all apart. Also, PTSD doesn't ever really go away (as I'm sure you've realized). There are triggers and other issues that can hand around for years and years afterward, if not indefinitely. The PTSD has likely changed things for you in a very significant way making you more vulnerable to mood swings and dissociating. It may be a sign that you need more work on the PTSD, or it may be a sign there is something else going on. Here is a great resource for PTSD: http://healmyptsd.com/

Re: 3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

You know...I feel very stupid, saying this, THINKING THIS, because it's just so. painfully. obvious....but this has been going on roughly since January - when I went to the hospital for my hernia. Ever since I've been like "Wow, I'm actually OK with knowing this surgery has to be soon! That's AMAZING for me!", and "my visit to the hernia institute to talk with a doc about this has been a BREEZE!" and "cool, going back in to the ER for bronchitis didn't even phase me" while also wondering what is causing this zombie-like misery and keeping me from being able to function.

O_O

*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*

Again, O_O

There is still something going on with my inability to lose and propensity to rapidly gain weight and I'm still going to the doctor but holy shit does this seem like the answer to everything now.

My overwhelming response to this is "Fucking ringmaster," lol.

Re: 3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal

[mama-blogess.livejournal.com]

It sounds very much like you were triggered and just didn't realize it. I have had very similar things happen. Just recently I've been getting little panic attacks and have become sort of a hypochondriac. Like I get convinced I have some severe symptoms and then I google them and panic about what I find. I mean, I've been into the doctor about three times in the last year and recently had a heart stress test for what turns out to be nothing at all (but had me so worked up thinking I was going to die that I could barely function). It's looking like it's all anxiety and there is no physical cause, and I realized after the stress test came up normal that it all correlated with my daughter's trips to the hospital/doctor. She has urinary reflux, like I did as a child (which is where my early trauma came from). Every time she went in for anything, as soon as it was over and she was well again, I would suddenly get symptoms of a deadly disease. What is so weird to me is that in the past I feel anxious and that causes physical reactions in my body. That makes sense to me. But what doesn't make sense is that I feel totally fine, and then I get heart palpitations or I get lightheaded or my face gets all flushed just out of nowhere. That doesn't seem like anxiety to me because I can be perfectly relaxed when it happens, but apparently this is how my body is experiencing anxiety these days. And I go through times of dissociating with hospital visits, but also, it's like I can oddly function when I have to. When my daughter needs me there and she is going through a test or procedure I am not dissociating, or panicking, or having strange physical symptoms. I do feel a little robotic, or like I'm on a mission and there is no time for thinking, and if I see something triggering in this mode I will make myself look away or otherwise try to avoid it because I know I just can't stop for that at the moment. I have even learned to advocate for my daughter and really stand my ground on things like making them give her nitrous oxide for catheter urine draws. But then as soon as we are back at home and everything has settled again, for the moment at least, then I start getting all of the symptoms again and the anxiety with them thinking that I am dying of a disease. Even now that I know it's just nothing, I will still start to feel this compulsion to look up symptoms. It sounds crazy writing it out, and I'm not even sure it relates to what you are going through, but it seems similar in that it really didn't even dawn on me that it was at all related. Months and months went by and I didn't make the connection. Until I had my thyroid tested and was convinced it was that, and the test came back normal. That's when I got kind of mad at myself because I had pretty much manufactured symptoms of hypothyroidism in my body and they instantly went away when I found out the test was normal. When that happened I finally realized what was really going on. I'm still not sure what to do about it, but now I at least I know where this hypochondria stuff is coming from. I do think you should get your thyroid tested. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was an issue contributing to everything. But also, trauma can do some really crazy stuff, and I also wouldn't be surprised if it was all an episode of being triggered and dealing with upcoming surgery.

Re: 3 of 2, since apparently even cutting this monstrous thing in half is not enough for livejournal

[medland.livejournal.com]

I have PTSD and I have things like this happen to me all the time. I find it very hard to see what are (in hindsight or to other people) BLINDINGLY obvious connections between events in my life and my psychological reactions to them. I just go off into a nutnut world and can't figure out why until someone or something helps me see, at which point I also do a *headdesk* and wonder why I couldn't make the connection earlier.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I've thought a lot about how subjective diagnosis is. I also always feel strange going into a doctor or therapist because I'm pretty smart and always do a lot of research beforehand, and I wonder how possible it is for me to heavily influence or even orchestrate what they end up concluding is happening, you know? I've had to be really careful NOT to do that with Isaac, to present things in a very "you tell me what's going on here" way as though I don't have a lot of ideas of my own pretty well developed already.

ETA: I left an extremely in depth comment on my own history, as I perceive it at least, with mental health in a comment above that took 3 parts. You don't have to be interested in this, I'm just saying it in case you are.

[daveandmonika.livejournal.com]

Which assessment did you take?

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

This one, which is the one (Goldberg) in at least the first three Google results that pop up if you search for "bipolar screening test". http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/bipolar-testing/goldberg-bipolar/

It seems really subjective to me, and obviously is not a diagnosis, but still thought provoking. Feel free to tell me what your score is (anybody).

This little page here:
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/understanding-bipolar-disorder-symptoms
IS CRAZY, for me. It's like "OH the book about bipolar has my face on the cover, wow, alright" :p The only two things there that aren't completely true for me are the high-risk business investments and suicidal thoughts.

ETA: I left an extremely in depth comment on my own history, as I perceive it at least, with mental health in a comment above that took 3 parts. You don't have to be interested in this, I'm just saying it in case you are.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I've wondered if you had a mood disorder of some kind for awhile but I couldn't think of a way to bring it up. I wasn't anon, btw. I put my name to whatever I write.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

You can really just say, "Have you considered you might have a mood disorder?" I'm really not very easily offended, and I'm the one documenting symptoms publically :)

ETA: I left an extremely in depth comment on my own history, as I perceive it at least, with mental health in a comment above that took 3 parts. You don't have to be interested in this, I'm just saying it in case you are.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

Of course I'm interested!

[(Anonymous)]

Hey,

I'm kind of a lurker, but I'm in the health field, so I was interested in the last few entries or so that you wrote. I'm interested in this bipolar stuff.

I have a history of bipolar in my family line, plus I have been through a lot of traumatic stuff with that same family for about the last decade or so. (I'm posting anon because I'm not very well known on here so I'm likely to be a stranger to you guys anyway, AND because I am not on speaking terms with the family and don't really want to be tracked down by them, esp. while I'm talking about them; this is still a tricky issue). It's possible that the reason our family clan is so effed up is BECAUSE of the mental health problems in the ancestry. But anyway.

Anyway, because of having it run in my fam and also having my best friend diagnosed bi-polar after high school (which was a real shock to me), I've often been a little bit paranoid about whether I would have it myself. My sister and I often talk about this.

It sounds like it's working out really well for you to go down this path and it will solve a lot of questions for you, judging from the personal history that you wrote out in the comments. But, I wondered briefly about the details/semantics of one of your first posts on this (about two or maybe three posts back). Understanding that I'm late to the game/discussion here.

Specifically, it's how you said you "try" to be happy and optimistic. Coming from someone who's been sad for about ten years, I often get told to "smile more" "would it hurt you to smile" etc. I have been seriously depressed in my life before, and treated it nutritionally/holistically, but this is more like an ongoing, sometimes low grade sense of grief over the family. I realized recently, coming into a more happy time of my life, finally, how really sad I have been for so long, without realizing it. I haven't had crippling depression or inability to do things for years and years. I got through school, I work, I function, etc., but when I smile, it's fake and forced sometimes. (Other times, I have genuinely happy social times with close friends.)

It's hard to explain to strangers, and I don't want to. With that said, sometimes I put on a big cheery smile and try to get all "YAY" for people on social networking, just because I don't want questions. This is kind of meta, because what I'm saying is that it's like I'm *faking a mania* because people expect a woman to be more cheerful and sappy about her life. I actually get criticized constantly for not being more peppy. Is that relevant?

Do you think you've just been depressed/traumatized, and then try to put on the happy mommy/friend/social butterfly face? Because that's what I wonder about myself. I'm sorry that this got really super long and confusing. LOL. ;) And maybe that is the mania phase--having anxiety that you have to do it for other people?

Maybe I have a mood disorder too. I had ruled out actual bipolar, but I hadn't thought about the other types of problems. It might be helpful to look into. Maybe I'll take that test that you did.

Thanks for reading, if you do read this. ;)

[keilababe.livejournal.com]

I'm trying to get a hold of our food budget. I was wondering, how much do you spend on food in a week? Your family is way larger than mine, but I feel like I'm spending enough for a huge family, but I come home with what feels like "not much".

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Keeping in mind that we are relatively gluttonous foodies who have a bunch of food intolerances and are health conscious:

I spend A LOT. I have some cheap meals like this but overall there aren't many things we can do for dinner anymore for less than at least $15, and they just eat so much for all meals/snacks. My kids stagger people with what they consume. Breakfast is like, an entire box of cereal and jug of (non-dairy) milk and a whole canteloupe, or a whole package of bacon with a dozen eggs and stacks of pancakes.

Anyway, I spend about $400 approximately every two weeks at BJ's (wholesale store), and about an additional $150 or so at little stores for filling in gaps throughout the month. A good $1000 per month is like...nothing. If I stop "being careful" (going to regular grocery stores more often, getting too many expensive things) it hits $12-1500 easily. <-- That's the regular "budget".

Grant tends to spend $100 on groceries any weekend he's cooking because he never wants to cook from what we have and always plans some elaborate meal and then goes and buys everything for it at Winn Dixie.

What really kills us is that we only send lunch with Grant approximately half the time, and he needs snacks while he's out fairly often that we don't always plan for (keeping in mind that he spends about 4 hours OR SO per day commuting right now...) So that's something we're spending like $30 a week on EASY. And if we fail to plan dinner or have things ready and are already getting home so late even just once or twice a month and spring for takeout or restaurant, FORGET IT. $25 at Pollo Tropical or Sweet Tomatoes (with coupons) is bearable but any other restaurant or chinese takeout or whatever is at least $50. If we want to go buy supplies to grill hot dogs in the Everglades for dinner or have a picnic lunch at the park, either ends up being almost $50. For awhile I was spending $20 a week at Starbucks without even realizing it (I totally quit Starbucks awhile back). If Grant and I go have a date out somewhere we're guaranteed to spend $50, especially if you factor in gas. So all told we're doing $300 on this kind of overage food stuff every month, almost at minimum :/

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

Now that I'm back on LJ, I feel like I should comment. So here I am.

Commenting.

I hope Aaron feels better soon! Will chat with you re: all this mental illness stuff later.