But in most things I take FAR more after my Dad's side, where the real batshit crazy is - some depression in an aunt, I have a paranoid schizophrenic uncle who we may be a sociopath, my grandmother had bad dementia by about 55, and there is more if you dig. Thyroid problems too, which is part of my suspicion in that regard.
Ananda has been selectively mute following trauma, though with counseling, art therapy and time she has almost completely come out of it, and Isaac has some kind of issues we're (hopefully) working through, but for the most part I think they're all thriving well.
I feel like maybe I've always had manic periods, but they were also just fun times...running around the fair so excited about roller coasters that I had to jump and skip, calling in to work to go get an impromptu piercing, running out in a thunderstorm yelling and laughing at midnight. I used to say it felt like my skin was on too tight, and I would die if I didn't DO SOMETHING (like take an unplanned roadtrip we couldn't really afford or go swim naked in the ocean at 2 am). I definitely have the capacity to get very hyper-excited and have funx10, though I don't have any kind of anxiety to go with that or do anything I regret, really.
But I never experienced clinical-seeming depression until after 2007 (the year I did not get a vbac, had 2 major surgeries, spent about a month total in-patient and over 2 months total on opiates, Elise seemed doomed and then I almost died and was left with ongoing health problems, an inability to have more kids, and the need for further surgery). So 26-27 years old. INTENSIVE (we had the money so I was going twice weekly, 2 hour sessions) talk therapy with EMDR for 8 months really helped me immensely. I mean I went from sobbing every afternoon, never sleeping at night, nightmares whenever I did rest, just a MESS, to being a pretty much normal person who maintains some PTSD triggers that I can usually deal with fairly easily on my own when they come up with some strategies I learned.
The biggest thing I used throughout childhood, and catch myself using now, to cope, is dissociation (well, and emotional eating, but that just makes me fat and not crazy :p). There are a lot of ways I do it and I score very very high on tests for dissociative disorder, including one administered by a counselor. Interestingly, I think dissociation could be helping to limit the damage I do to my life due to "whatever this is" - I have what I refer to as the ringmaster, in my brain. This is where I really start to sound like a nut. But the part of me that represses memories until I'm ready to deal with them, and avoids triggers, all unconsciously, I refer to that way. The ultimate "in charge" part of me that I can't access but is running the show. When I get really depressed or really wild, that part of me kicks in and pulls back and I end up in a dissociate state (feeling I'm not a part of what's happening, looking at it all from a 3rd person perspective), but continue to go through motions. Elise gets to preschool, I go to class, I make a good breakfast for everyone and make sure animals are taken care of and hug everyone - then come in my room and things focus behind a locked door and I cry my eyes out for no reason and wonder how I can go on. Then things recede again and I make tea, do online classwork, assign work, talk to Jake about the lego thing he built, all sort of numb/struggling way deep down, sort of like the ringmaster has the nutso part of me smothering under something but unable to take control. I totally avoid friends and tend to get distant from Grant, when I'm that dissociative, because I tend to feel as though I'm in the back of my brain looking out through some eyeballs wondering if whoever I'm talking to can feel how hollow the conversation is and sense that I'm acting. Grant totally CAN tell, and asks me things like "Where are you right now?" It's easy to read books out loud to people on autopilot though, and brush my teeth, and then get in the van alone and come back to myself and blare music and get a speeding ticket and go oops and check out again.
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Date: 2012-04-11 06:43 pm (UTC)Ananda has been selectively mute following trauma, though with counseling, art therapy and time she has almost completely come out of it, and Isaac has some kind of issues we're (hopefully) working through, but for the most part I think they're all thriving well.
I feel like maybe I've always had manic periods, but they were also just fun times...running around the fair so excited about roller coasters that I had to jump and skip, calling in to work to go get an impromptu piercing, running out in a thunderstorm yelling and laughing at midnight. I used to say it felt like my skin was on too tight, and I would die if I didn't DO SOMETHING (like take an unplanned roadtrip we couldn't really afford or go swim naked in the ocean at 2 am). I definitely have the capacity to get very hyper-excited and have funx10, though I don't have any kind of anxiety to go with that or do anything I regret, really.
But I never experienced clinical-seeming depression until after 2007 (the year I did not get a vbac, had 2 major surgeries, spent about a month total in-patient and over 2 months total on opiates, Elise seemed doomed and then I almost died and was left with ongoing health problems, an inability to have more kids, and the need for further surgery). So 26-27 years old. INTENSIVE (we had the money so I was going twice weekly, 2 hour sessions) talk therapy with EMDR for 8 months really helped me immensely. I mean I went from sobbing every afternoon, never sleeping at night, nightmares whenever I did rest, just a MESS, to being a pretty much normal person who maintains some PTSD triggers that I can usually deal with fairly easily on my own when they come up with some strategies I learned.
The biggest thing I used throughout childhood, and catch myself using now, to cope, is dissociation (well, and emotional eating, but that just makes me fat and not crazy :p). There are a lot of ways I do it and I score very very high on tests for dissociative disorder, including one administered by a counselor. Interestingly, I think dissociation could be helping to limit the damage I do to my life due to "whatever this is" - I have what I refer to as the ringmaster, in my brain. This is where I really start to sound like a nut. But the part of me that represses memories until I'm ready to deal with them, and avoids triggers, all unconsciously, I refer to that way. The ultimate "in charge" part of me that I can't access but is running the show. When I get really depressed or really wild, that part of me kicks in and pulls back and I end up in a dissociate state (feeling I'm not a part of what's happening, looking at it all from a 3rd person perspective), but continue to go through motions. Elise gets to preschool, I go to class, I make a good breakfast for everyone and make sure animals are taken care of and hug everyone - then come in my room and things focus behind a locked door and I cry my eyes out for no reason and wonder how I can go on. Then things recede again and I make tea, do online classwork, assign work, talk to Jake about the lego thing he built, all sort of numb/struggling way deep down, sort of like the ringmaster has the nutso part of me smothering under something but unable to take control. I totally avoid friends and tend to get distant from Grant, when I'm that dissociative, because I tend to feel as though I'm in the back of my brain looking out through some eyeballs wondering if whoever I'm talking to can feel how hollow the conversation is and sense that I'm acting. Grant totally CAN tell, and asks me things like "Where are you right now?" It's easy to read books out loud to people on autopilot though, and brush my teeth, and then get in the van alone and come back to myself and blare music and get a speeding ticket and go oops and check out again.