(no subject)

[altarflame]

Shaun shaved, and now I think he really screams "filmmaker"


This is Grant, intensifying his hatred for and resentment of our cats (it's his mom's new puppy).


And this is us, pretty frequently.


Isaac turned 6, as previously documented only through text.


Brian, Darrien, Jake and Naja wanted to help.




And that is my feet by the faucet.


Oh yes. I think I need at least three hours watching the steam rise off the water every week lately.


Aaron being Aaron.



Also Aaron (hip hop class):

My video editing program is crashing, so the first minute and 20 seconds of this video is just them standing there. Sorry about that. Feel free to skip ahead to the good part :) I actually think the previous run through was superior, because he didn't know he had a camera trained on him.

Elise watching him.


And Ananda doing schoolwork during her free hour at Dance Empire.


Goofing around in the van.


Jake is wearing his little Cubbies vest back there. He LOVES AWANA so much.


Flash does funny things to Elise and I both.


All five of my kids at the zoo.


There are a lot of parts of my life right now. I'm stretched thinly over a lot of area, mostly in a good way. Obviously not always. Some of it:

I'm getting really close to Kristin, and love it, like we're real friends - the kind you can ask for favors or call up at 10 pm just to talk.

Nancy and I talk and email everyday. She'll be here to spend the day with us on Tuesday. This is wonderful in and of itself and then, also, I emailed her the first 10,000 words of this book I'm writing (!). So I'm waiting to hear back on tenderhooks (...so to speak? wth? tenderhooks, really?) and hoping she will be brutally honest but also REALLY LOVE IT :p

Robby spent the night again last weekend, and was here two days ago. He hugged me and helped with the dishes. Then yesterday he took like 20 Zolofts and now he's back at Miami Children's. My mother in law called me crying her eyes out tonight because none of us feel capable of helping him...they're talking about residential treatment and it kind of breaks my heart. His sister Nadia (11, bipolar, schizophrenic) has been in and out of residential for years; her twin Patrice has never had any mental health issues. Robby is so smart, and he's so...dangling on some precipice...it really gets me.

And I feel like somebody needs to do something for Patrice because holy shit this is too much for her. She spent the night with Robby last weekend. We were all eating dinner and going around asking "What was the best part of the day for you?" and when we got to her, she said "I don't know how to choose! It's all so wonderful!!" with this giddy excuberance like my messy house is some sort of wonderland, and it breaks me heart man! I do not know what to do. Robby specifically requested I be put on his list and given his password so I imagine I will be at Miami Children's this weekend at least once.

I've been listening to a lot of music, downloading a lot of music. I got a beautiful special edition red iPod nano in the mail and I'm kind of in love with it, and then again sort of considering sending it back because, well, that would be a lot of Lush products I could get and I can always burn cds for the van and plug earbuds into my laptop. Lily Allen, Kate Nash, Frou Frou, Cat Power, Regina Spektor (Consequence of Sounds and That Time, this week), Emiliana Torrini, The Blow's "True Affection", Hurts to Purr, A Particularly Vicious Rumor.

I'm having a very hard time with Aaron - as far as getting him to do schoolwork or chores or act "normal" around people. He is incredible at communicating with me one on one and at participating in group activities and at anything musical or physical, but sometimes lately he really seems like a true autistic savant...I haven't felt so stumped and frustrated by his obvious sensory issues since he was 3.

We had tea today, outside, for the first time in what felt like forever. We went around and the questions were, first, what are you looking forward to, and second, what are you dreading.

Ananda is looking forward to Nancy's visit and dreading her period.
Aaron is looking forward to his dance competition next month and dreading his chores tomorrow.
Isaac is looking forward to Easter (because it's a "finding constest" and he's so exceptional at finding things) and dreading his next belly ache (he gets them a lot...he has a really sensitive gut).
Jake and Elise didn't really understand the questions well enough to say things that made sense.

My kids and I joke around almost constantly. They always try to get me to say "What?" when we pull up at the house, so they can answer, "We're home". I refuse if I'm on to them. But they get me kind of a lot, often in hilarious ways. Once in a blue moon I get one of them, but mostly they ban together and warn each other.

Aaron has gotten so good at making me laugh uncontrollably that I have to threaten him through it, when I can breathe, that I can stand him in the corner while I'm laughing, and just because he's funny doesn't mean he's not in trouble.

I frequently call them horrible names like putzes and oozing warts and threaten them with consequences like ripping their arms off and beating them with it. "If you don't get out of that bath, I will go outside, dig a hole under this house, light a fire in it, and make soup out of you".

Me: Don't make me eat you.
Ananda: *rolling her eyes* You can't eat me.
Me: Watch me.
A: It would be gross, and I'm way too big.
Me: Why do you think we have a blender?
A: I know you hate purees.
Aaron: She does have a point about that.
Me: Well, I could use it to thicken soup.
Aaron: she does do that with bean puree.
Ananda: If you eat me, you're gonna have to explain it to Dad.
Aaron: And the police.
Isaac: I would help her keep it a secret.
Jake: GET THE BLENDER!!!!!

I've been in insane hypersexual mode. Not eating especially well and not especially caring. And never ready to get out of bed when it's time. Always grabbing more music off the computer and a bag of snacks as we head out the door, always reading and reading and reading out loud in the dark to someone(s).

I feel very alive and like I can dig this life.

My brother is pushing it, though.

Comments

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

My name is Grant Walker and I approve of this.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

This is not facebook, man.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think he was going more for political ad.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I kinda just wanted to pick on Grant.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Happy Birthday to Isaac! We share a birthday (albeit 28 years apart). You sound like you have a lot on. Wishing you peace while being there for your nephew and niece.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Well, happy belated birthday!

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, and that conversation with your children made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that :)

[shechinah-el.livejournal.com]

Ananda: If you eat me, you're gonna have to explain it to Dad.
Aaron: And the police.
Isaac: I would help her keep it a secret.
Jake: GET THE BLENDER!!!!!

I love what this says about each of your children, especially those last two lines. LOL.

I was just watching a free running video a friend had posted a link to, and the whole time I was thinking of Aaron and a little boy I know (well, not so little, he's now almost 10) who's really into rock climbing (and banister climbing, hah). And then you posted this video and I was like "Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he's also a fantastic dancer, whaddaya know." lol.

I love that picture of you and Grant. We do that a lot too :D

Baths are so amazingly therapeutic. I also made myself a therapy pillow last night, full of rice scented with "panic button" blend of anti-anxiety EOs. I put WAAAAAY too much EO on it so I can smell it as soon as I enter the room, but that's kinda okay with me, lol.

Poor Robby. :( I don't even know what to say about that. It's so sad. I hope by the time he hits adulthood, he's sorted through some of this stuff and comes out the other side okay. Same for Nadja (they're 11 now???). What a mess, those poor kids. :(

<333333333333333333333333333333333333 for all of you.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I love what this says about each of your children, especially those last two lines. LOL.

It really, really does. I should edit Isaac's line to make it more accurate - "I would help hoo keep it a secwet".

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

...I don't know what you mean by phase 2?

I'm sorry I didn't comment on the links! I thought a lot of it was really good but I felt really depressed about the price tags on everything and how impossible it would be for me to establish a wardrobe of clothes that are not from Target's clearance racks. It was still interesting though.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

OH! I was completely spacing that out. Anyway, I do go kind of crazy sometimes in phase 2. But I'm out of that and waiting to start my period in a couple of days, now.

I don't know how to resist spending every (not actually) spare penny on lattes and bath products. It's so much easier to spend $4 or $6 on something that will bring immediate pleasure than to ever justify $40 for a shirt.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I "get" Robby like so much, it hurts :(

It's like there's only so much anyone can do to protect someone determined to hurt themselves.

Childhood mental illness is so difficult. If you want to contact me off of LJ, I can relate a list serve to Robby's mom so she can have people who can really understand what she's up against. It's extremely private so she'll need to send an e-mail to the moderator. The goal is creating a true community of support.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I'm really not sure he has true mental illness; he's responding to his life situation, which includes his mother being in no way someone who would take advantage of resources to help him. My mother and father in law raise Robby in a shipping-him-back-and-forth way with his mom having the occasional weekend and doing some taxiing when she can...it is a long story involving horrific amounts of hard drugs and mental illness on her part :/

My mother in law is stretched so beyond thin...her husband has prostate cancer and is in and out of chemo, she herself has major degenerative bone disease compounded by a neck injury, and she is the one primarily responspible for all three of Mindy's kids, while holding down a demanding full time job.

It is a mess for sure.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I'm sorry I definitely didn't get that this was how the situation was for him. That just sounds awful!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I sometimes ache to have Robby move in here too...but the truth is, we are at capacity here.

He was born and his mom's parents basically had him from day one. He would be with Grant Sr when Grant Sr took Grant and I to the movies (so I was 14 and Robby was a young toddler). But Grant Sr and his relationship has totally degenerated as time has passed, and Sr has thrown him out of the house many times for dumb, tiny, normal kid infractions, like not doing his chores or breaking something minor - and he is really a super emotionally unavailable guy in general anyway...very private and distanced with a businesslike facade. He loves Robby and has done a ton for him but Robby doesn't have much to say good about him these days.

My mil is wonderful but a true workaholic with her plate beyond full, and it has always been that way. Her husband is kind of an asshole who has never liked Robby, and has thrown him out of THEIR house on many occasions, as well as cursing at him, even calling him a faggot :/ He's demanded my mil choose between him and Mindy's kids many times over, and my mil has always refused, but she's also allowed him to stay in her life acting that way.

I used to have this massive amount of guilt about Robby when we lived at Grant Sr's because I hated it when he came...he was at that preteen phase, which is really hard for me to deal with in general, but mainly I just felt so incapable of helping him and it was so awkward and horrible to have him coming home from school, doing homework, eating fast food, and WATCHING us, as we sat outside having tea on a blanket or laid around the living room reading together or did crafts at the dining table....efforts to include him were always shaky because Mindy or MIL or someone would be coming to get him or he'd have to go to bed or he didn't like this or that food but he tried calling me mom for awhile? As a "joke"? And there would be times when, say, he would be coming out of Grant Sr's room to leave and look up and see us all sitting around the dinner table together whle I served plates. It's just awful. He has these over the top praises for my mothering and thinks I'm the greatest person ever and I just want to be like, really? Because I feel like I've failed you completely.

Anyway I get along with him great now, we talk on AIM a lot and I invite him over a lot, have offered to tutor him...

I don't know. I really don't.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I can tell you that one person can make a difference. Just one person being your rock can make or break someone like that as a teen. I had an awesome 25 year old friend who was my "certainty" and without her, I never would have made it. I called her mom for awhile too.

I lived with my grandparents who were bitter they couldn't travel because I lived there as a teen. They were convinced I would be out of control if left alone. Considering I had Asperger's and was pretty much a loner, that fear was pretty unfounded but it strained our relationship until Maddox came along. I believed in video games and perfect grades and little else. My grandmother finally got over it when she realized I didn't believe in emotional blackmail and let her spend as much time with Maddox as she wanted after I moved out. My grandfather still hasn't forgiven me for being an abused teen. So I really can see how Robby feels in all this.

Even if you can't have him living with you- being available to him is probably priceless to him. After the way the people who he can live with has treated him- you probably are about perfect to him, ya know?

[frogmorest.livejournal.com]

Being that I've got dance company kids (at the ages of 8 and 6) and being that both take hip hop... and being that I've seen a mega butt load of dance over the years... HOLY FREAKING CRAP is your boy ghetto! I love his balance and sense of self. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! He's very talented (though you don't need me to tell you that!!!) If we were close I'd so choose him to do a hip hop duo with my Madeline. She's got the same ghetto/low to the ground KICK IT style. Much awesomeness. Thanks for sharing!!!!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

He really blows me away - when Ananda does scripted, rehearsed dances you can always see her counting in her head and/or trying to remember the moves/watching those around her for cues. She can't make the leap from learning the steps to flowing and feeling it, you know? I didn't even consciously realize that, because it's how I just thought kids all were in dance class, until I saw Aaron lose himself in it and was like...whoa. He's totally uninhibited, he will try anything.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

Zoe and I officially think Aaron is amazing.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I will be sure to pass that on ♥

[(Anonymous)]

Lurker here...just wanting to tell you it's "tenterhooks"...not "tenderhooks".

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you, although that is probably not a word I will ever again use and my usage appears to be a common misconception.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

That icon is so hilarious!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I've been stocking up on them ;)

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

My name is Grant Walker and I say fuck this icon.

[heavynleigh.livejournal.com]

Is Aaron the only boy in his class? Or am I just not seeing any others? Very cool for him, if he is. I was just a little surprised since it's not like, ballet or one of the less common for boys type of dance class.

I agree that he is really good. He's got great rhythm and I love that he doesn't seem to be self conscious at all and he's obviously totally into it. Very cool. I need to find something like that for Aidan. I think he'd really love it too!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

There are two other boys in his class, they were on the other side of the room while I was filming :) He has one other boy in ballet and accro and a couple in jazz, as well. And those are smaller classes.

The lack of self consciousness is huge. You should look into it for A!