(no subject)

[altarflame]

I got a call at about 2 yesterday afternoon that my sister was in labor! I don't know how it can be that this kind of news is always so shocking and amazing, even when you've been seeing the enormously pregnant person daily for weeks talking about how she's due any day. But it is. So I went and got Brian and about 6 hours later I had a call - she had a little girl! AT HOME! We SO NEED MORE GIRLS, so this is good.

I got there when she was 30 minutes old, with midwives still all over the place. She was wrapped in the quilt I sewed for her *melts*. She looks EXACTLY as my sister did as a newborn, it's nutso. Laura didn't tear this time, and the baby was already nursing well and calmer than Brian was, and sheesh. It is just great. Frank was all excited.

He actually said, "I'm ready for the next one, let's go for broke!!" I was laughing. As we went through all the things they can say now - "childREN, kidS, son AND DAUGHTER", with a lot of "whoa"ing.

I love for Ananda (who came with me) to see NORMAL birth, happy healthy birth.



I was a total anxious dissociating wreck the 6 hours between the labor call and the baby call call, because even though I KNOW in my head that babies are born, women push them out, etc, I still FEEL as though labor = impending calamity. I was actually crying in the grocery store at one point. Luckily Brian was asleep for that.

Then they were fine, and I was happy and relieved, really I was, but also I felt all hollowed out. And we took Brian home after a few hours according to everyone's wishes and watched a movie with the kids and I talked to a friend on the phone...

And then found myself sobbing my eyes out in bed. About the same old tired stuff I don't even want to bother to explain to Grant anymore when he asks.

Because I can't ever have another baby.
Because we have to view the miracle of conception as apocalyptic.
Because I've never held even one of my babies that young.
Because I've never changed a single mecomium diaper in my life.
Because I'll never give birth.
Because I was still hurting from lifting Brian from the cart to the car, asleep, and probably shouldn't have even held the newborn. Like how I can't lift Elise, even when she's begging me to.
Blah blah blah.

Grant tries to make me feel better or gain perspective or something, sometimes, by saying "You're lucky to even be alive". But for some reason I don't know how to explain or even understand - that just makes it way, way worse. Like intolerable.

Yeah yeah, I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I AM thankful, so don't give me a lecture on it, ok? That's why I'm usually really really happy in spite of having to wonder if I'll end up in emergency surgery because I caught the stomach virus that's going around. I have an amazing family.

*sigh*

So yeah. All of this is true. I'm happy and excited to be taking her all these old newborn things of Elise's, and yet that means I had to go through the newborn clothes. *shrug*


ETA: My intuitive Aaron, I swear. I came home with Brian and he said, "Laura's in labor?!" and I said, "Yep". He sat down suddenly, looking wide eyed and serious. I said, "It's going to be ok!" and he answered, "I'm not thinking about you, and I'm happy. It's just going to really hurt a lot for her."

Comments

[gardenmama.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's hard when such a happy event has such sad connotations for you :(

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

My sister is great about it, though. She asked me today, "So when are you going to start telling me how hard this is for you?" I told her I figured I'd at least give her a couple of days :p Apparently her and Frank have been conjecturing about it when I'm not there.

[bicrim.livejournal.com]

You are totally normal to feel this way, please don't guilt trip yourself. You have a lot of normal, healthy grieving to do, about the kids you can't have and the births you didn't have. I'm so sorry for your losses--they are real and important.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Leave it to the therapist to affirm me at every turn.

I say that with all wry appreciation :)

[shechinah-el.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of what women experience with regard to fertility, conception, female sexuality, pregnancy, birth, ALL of it contains such a thick layer of experience and emotion that has no label or proper verbal description that it can't ever really be conveyed except to another woman who's felt it. No amount of logic can reason through it or parse out the issues, sometimes, and men will never understand it. I'm finding that with the whole fertility side of things right now, and it's... maddening. Because you CAN feel fifteen different conflicting things at the same time and have that not lessen any of the individual things you feel. I don't know. I can't even describe it vaguely, but it's there. We need a language for this, I think.

*hug*

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I love you for commenting this way. Everyone in this thread. Those who've lost an infant, who've adopted after years of infertility, are hoping to conceive, and/or have miscarried...all of this is so hard. We all have things to be thankful for. We all have things we have to deal with. None of it seems to go away with time.

*hugs you back*

[shechinah-el.livejournal.com]

*smiles* I'll let you know when I get to the happier side of this journey. Hopefully soon... I want to see what the baby part of this process is all about. I'm already up to my ears in waiting, hoping and frustration.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

Anyone who gives you that, "all that matters" sweep-women's-bodies-under-the-rug bullshit needs to be dragged out into the street and shot.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

There have been at least two times where I talk about how hard it can be for me to deal with all this and people get REALLY strident and passionate and almost angry about how much I have to be thankful for. Like I don't know that, or can't feel more than one thing at a time.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

That is a really big trigger for me. Not just because it's rooted in a heavy amount of cultural misogyny, but also because it's about someone else taking issue with the way you feel your pain. So fucking wrong. On all counts.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think it was one person who wishes she could have a lot of kids, and one person who felt I was in some superstitious way tempting fate and angering God by not counting my blessings. I actually kind of understand both viewpoints, but don't really agree with either.

And you're right, it does come from the same misogyny that shaped obstetrics as they are today. And I don't just throw around the word misogyny.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

It gets me really wound up into the whole women's rights, women's bodies, etc etc... staying away from the abortion issue entirely, this is about how people feel women "should" or "should not" feel following an invasive, painful, powerless procedure often preceded by emotional blackmail, verbal abuse and literal restraints. In any other situation we'd call it rape, but put it in a hospital and suddenly it's totally okay and we women just need to shut our traps and look at the "beautiful things that came of it". Since when do we live in the fucking dark ages? If we speak up we're shunned, silenced, and damned. Even by other women.
One of the most disturbing things I've ever read was on a friend's Facebook. She posted about Canada overturning the breech birth ban (allowing more choice in the matter) and a woman commented, outraged, saying that millions of infants would die due to this because "Women shouldn't be in charge of their birth options - it's dangerous". Jaw-dropping... but an apt commentary of how we still view progressive women's rights. :-/

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

This really, REALLY BOTHERS ME TOO.

You can't even come close to being honest about what a c-section is and what it does to you - just basic literal unbiased honesty, straight up FACTS - without sounding so out there and revolutionary to people that they stop taking you seriously. It makes me fucking CRAZY. Literally.

And I do think abortion is relevant to the combination. I don't know sometimes if I can stand to live in a world where we can opt out until the moment contractions begin, but ONCE THEY DO, our rights dissapear. It says so many crazy things about how little we value mothers, and how our society tries to institutionalize childhood, and geeeeeeez I need to go eat some chocolate and write more of this book and scream into a pillow.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

combination=conversation. I can't edit because my paid account expired.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

That is very true: we have abortion rights, but no birth rights... the thing is, this issue has been done to death. As great as it wound *seem* to give fetus' full rights in order to help save birth... it's bad news. Then a mother skipping her prenatals, or smoking a cigarette, can be charged for child endangerment. If CPS takes kids away for a VBAC, imagine how badly that would screw women... :( It's horrible that it's that way, and I really really really feel you on this. SO MUCH.

Screaming into my pillow right along with you.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

Though my issues are totally different, every joyous birth has these bitter moment for me too. So...I sort of understand. And I ache for you. I'm so sorry, Tina.


But, CONGRATS to Laura and to you and to everyone and happy birthday new little girl!! What is her name?

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you on all fronts. They named her Charisma Elizabeth, or Carrie for short.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

Charisma like the stat or pronounced differently?

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

The stat?

They mean like the personality trait, as in, synonymous with "charm". like kuh-ris-muh.

I am not fully on board with this name choice, but I obviously don't have to be :p

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

Heh, sorry... gamer thing. CHA (charisma) is a stat in my RPG games. Increasing it allows other NPCs to like you more, which could result in better bartering prices, more friends, less enemies, more opportunities etc. It's widely thought as a 'dump stat' as it's not as important to adventuring as say... strength.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

PS. I'm with you on that. I always thought naming your kids after virtues was like asking for trouble. Chastity, Honour and so on.

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

I was GONNA wait until the end of the replies to say something, but I was laughing too hard to wait. That was my first thought, too.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Gamer high five!

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

I don't think that at 2:30AM I can come up with anything more coherently and sensitively written than the above messages to you, but wanted to add hug from another mom with mixed feelings on the whole thing. I've had vag. births but lots of m/c, so I get the whole bittersweet thing. It doesn't mean you love your niece any less, though, and it's wonderful that your sister and her partner are able to understand that.