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Dec. 30th, 2009 03:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I got a call at about 2 yesterday afternoon that my sister was in labor! I don't know how it can be that this kind of news is always so shocking and amazing, even when you've been seeing the enormously pregnant person daily for weeks talking about how she's due any day. But it is. So I went and got Brian and about 6 hours later I had a call - she had a little girl! AT HOME! We SO NEED MORE GIRLS, so this is good.
I got there when she was 30 minutes old, with midwives still all over the place. She was wrapped in the quilt I sewed for her *melts*. She looks EXACTLY as my sister did as a newborn, it's nutso. Laura didn't tear this time, and the baby was already nursing well and calmer than Brian was, and sheesh. It is just great. Frank was all excited.
He actually said, "I'm ready for the next one, let's go for broke!!" I was laughing. As we went through all the things they can say now - "childREN, kidS, son AND DAUGHTER", with a lot of "whoa"ing.
I love for Ananda (who came with me) to see NORMAL birth, happy healthy birth.
I was a total anxious dissociating wreck the 6 hours between the labor call and the baby call call, because even though I KNOW in my head that babies are born, women push them out, etc, I still FEEL as though labor = impending calamity. I was actually crying in the grocery store at one point. Luckily Brian was asleep for that.
Then they were fine, and I was happy and relieved, really I was, but also I felt all hollowed out. And we took Brian home after a few hours according to everyone's wishes and watched a movie with the kids and I talked to a friend on the phone...
And then found myself sobbing my eyes out in bed. About the same old tired stuff I don't even want to bother to explain to Grant anymore when he asks.
Because I can't ever have another baby.
Because we have to view the miracle of conception as apocalyptic.
Because I've never held even one of my babies that young.
Because I've never changed a single mecomium diaper in my life.
Because I'll never give birth.
Because I was still hurting from lifting Brian from the cart to the car, asleep, and probably shouldn't have even held the newborn. Like how I can't lift Elise, even when she's begging me to.
Blah blah blah.
Grant tries to make me feel better or gain perspective or something, sometimes, by saying "You're lucky to even be alive". But for some reason I don't know how to explain or even understand - that just makes it way, way worse. Like intolerable.
Yeah yeah, I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I AM thankful, so don't give me a lecture on it, ok? That's why I'm usually really really happy in spite of having to wonder if I'll end up in emergency surgery because I caught the stomach virus that's going around. I have an amazing family.
*sigh*
So yeah. All of this is true. I'm happy and excited to be taking her all these old newborn things of Elise's, and yet that means I had to go through the newborn clothes. *shrug*
ETA: My intuitive Aaron, I swear. I came home with Brian and he said, "Laura's in labor?!" and I said, "Yep". He sat down suddenly, looking wide eyed and serious. I said, "It's going to be ok!" and he answered, "I'm not thinking about you, and I'm happy. It's just going to really hurt a lot for her."
I got there when she was 30 minutes old, with midwives still all over the place. She was wrapped in the quilt I sewed for her *melts*. She looks EXACTLY as my sister did as a newborn, it's nutso. Laura didn't tear this time, and the baby was already nursing well and calmer than Brian was, and sheesh. It is just great. Frank was all excited.
He actually said, "I'm ready for the next one, let's go for broke!!" I was laughing. As we went through all the things they can say now - "childREN, kidS, son AND DAUGHTER", with a lot of "whoa"ing.
I love for Ananda (who came with me) to see NORMAL birth, happy healthy birth.
I was a total anxious dissociating wreck the 6 hours between the labor call and the baby call call, because even though I KNOW in my head that babies are born, women push them out, etc, I still FEEL as though labor = impending calamity. I was actually crying in the grocery store at one point. Luckily Brian was asleep for that.
Then they were fine, and I was happy and relieved, really I was, but also I felt all hollowed out. And we took Brian home after a few hours according to everyone's wishes and watched a movie with the kids and I talked to a friend on the phone...
And then found myself sobbing my eyes out in bed. About the same old tired stuff I don't even want to bother to explain to Grant anymore when he asks.
Because I can't ever have another baby.
Because we have to view the miracle of conception as apocalyptic.
Because I've never held even one of my babies that young.
Because I've never changed a single mecomium diaper in my life.
Because I'll never give birth.
Because I was still hurting from lifting Brian from the cart to the car, asleep, and probably shouldn't have even held the newborn. Like how I can't lift Elise, even when she's begging me to.
Blah blah blah.
Grant tries to make me feel better or gain perspective or something, sometimes, by saying "You're lucky to even be alive". But for some reason I don't know how to explain or even understand - that just makes it way, way worse. Like intolerable.
Yeah yeah, I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I AM thankful, so don't give me a lecture on it, ok? That's why I'm usually really really happy in spite of having to wonder if I'll end up in emergency surgery because I caught the stomach virus that's going around. I have an amazing family.
*sigh*
So yeah. All of this is true. I'm happy and excited to be taking her all these old newborn things of Elise's, and yet that means I had to go through the newborn clothes. *shrug*
ETA: My intuitive Aaron, I swear. I came home with Brian and he said, "Laura's in labor?!" and I said, "Yep". He sat down suddenly, looking wide eyed and serious. I said, "It's going to be ok!" and he answered, "I'm not thinking about you, and I'm happy. It's just going to really hurt a lot for her."
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Date: 2009-12-30 09:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-30 10:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-30 11:07 pm (UTC)*hug*
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Date: 2009-12-31 12:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-12-31 01:10 am (UTC)But, CONGRATS to Laura and to you and to everyone and happy birthday new little girl!! What is her name?
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Date: 2010-01-02 07:26 am (UTC)