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I got a call at about 2 yesterday afternoon that my sister was in labor! I don't know how it can be that this kind of news is always so shocking and amazing, even when you've been seeing the enormously pregnant person daily for weeks talking about how she's due any day. But it is. So I went and got Brian and about 6 hours later I had a call - she had a little girl! AT HOME! We SO NEED MORE GIRLS, so this is good.

I got there when she was 30 minutes old, with midwives still all over the place. She was wrapped in the quilt I sewed for her *melts*. She looks EXACTLY as my sister did as a newborn, it's nutso. Laura didn't tear this time, and the baby was already nursing well and calmer than Brian was, and sheesh. It is just great. Frank was all excited.

He actually said, "I'm ready for the next one, let's go for broke!!" I was laughing. As we went through all the things they can say now - "childREN, kidS, son AND DAUGHTER", with a lot of "whoa"ing.

I love for Ananda (who came with me) to see NORMAL birth, happy healthy birth.



I was a total anxious dissociating wreck the 6 hours between the labor call and the baby call call, because even though I KNOW in my head that babies are born, women push them out, etc, I still FEEL as though labor = impending calamity. I was actually crying in the grocery store at one point. Luckily Brian was asleep for that.

Then they were fine, and I was happy and relieved, really I was, but also I felt all hollowed out. And we took Brian home after a few hours according to everyone's wishes and watched a movie with the kids and I talked to a friend on the phone...

And then found myself sobbing my eyes out in bed. About the same old tired stuff I don't even want to bother to explain to Grant anymore when he asks.

Because I can't ever have another baby.
Because we have to view the miracle of conception as apocalyptic.
Because I've never held even one of my babies that young.
Because I've never changed a single mecomium diaper in my life.
Because I'll never give birth.
Because I was still hurting from lifting Brian from the cart to the car, asleep, and probably shouldn't have even held the newborn. Like how I can't lift Elise, even when she's begging me to.
Blah blah blah.

Grant tries to make me feel better or gain perspective or something, sometimes, by saying "You're lucky to even be alive". But for some reason I don't know how to explain or even understand - that just makes it way, way worse. Like intolerable.

Yeah yeah, I know how much I have to be thankful for, and I AM thankful, so don't give me a lecture on it, ok? That's why I'm usually really really happy in spite of having to wonder if I'll end up in emergency surgery because I caught the stomach virus that's going around. I have an amazing family.

*sigh*

So yeah. All of this is true. I'm happy and excited to be taking her all these old newborn things of Elise's, and yet that means I had to go through the newborn clothes. *shrug*


ETA: My intuitive Aaron, I swear. I came home with Brian and he said, "Laura's in labor?!" and I said, "Yep". He sat down suddenly, looking wide eyed and serious. I said, "It's going to be ok!" and he answered, "I'm not thinking about you, and I'm happy. It's just going to really hurt a lot for her."

Date: 2009-12-30 09:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gardenmama.livejournal.com
*hugs* It's hard when such a happy event has such sad connotations for you :(

Date: 2009-12-30 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bicrim.livejournal.com
You are totally normal to feel this way, please don't guilt trip yourself. You have a lot of normal, healthy grieving to do, about the kids you can't have and the births you didn't have. I'm so sorry for your losses--they are real and important.

Date: 2009-12-30 11:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shechinah-el.livejournal.com
I think a lot of what women experience with regard to fertility, conception, female sexuality, pregnancy, birth, ALL of it contains such a thick layer of experience and emotion that has no label or proper verbal description that it can't ever really be conveyed except to another woman who's felt it. No amount of logic can reason through it or parse out the issues, sometimes, and men will never understand it. I'm finding that with the whole fertility side of things right now, and it's... maddening. Because you CAN feel fifteen different conflicting things at the same time and have that not lessen any of the individual things you feel. I don't know. I can't even describe it vaguely, but it's there. We need a language for this, I think.

*hug*

Date: 2009-12-31 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] babyslime.livejournal.com
Anyone who gives you that, "all that matters" sweep-women's-bodies-under-the-rug bullshit needs to be dragged out into the street and shot.

Date: 2009-12-31 01:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mommydama.livejournal.com
Though my issues are totally different, every joyous birth has these bitter moment for me too. So...I sort of understand. And I ache for you. I'm so sorry, Tina.


But, CONGRATS to Laura and to you and to everyone and happy birthday new little girl!! What is her name?

Date: 2010-01-02 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sandramort.livejournal.com
I don't think that at 2:30AM I can come up with anything more coherently and sensitively written than the above messages to you, but wanted to add hug from another mom with mixed feelings on the whole thing. I've had vag. births but lots of m/c, so I get the whole bittersweet thing. It doesn't mean you love your niece any less, though, and it's wonderful that your sister and her partner are able to understand that.

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