Birth plans, names, crafts, can't sleep...

[altarflame]

It's past 2:30 in the morning, and I don't want to go to bed. I'm tired, and even sleepy, but everytime I lay down lately I just toss and turn for hours before I can get comfortable. I think they call this "the third trimester", where you finally do get down into the most blissful sleep you've ever had...and then you have to pee.

It's raining outside, and has been since before midnight.

I don't think I'll be birthing with Nancy Wainer. She is wonderful and willing to take me, but urges me to consider her teacher and mentor, Valerie El Halta - some of you may remember me talking with Valerie on the phone. The big thing is that when I talk to Nancy, she seems to give me the vibes of thinking I can totally do it, but feeling like Valerie is more equipped for my kind of situation. Whereas to Valerie, there is no "situation" and I get nothing but confidence from her. Plus she has 20 years and over a thousand births more experience. Valerie is in Salt Lake City, but also is a midwife who typically travels to people to help them birth at home. She is a little cheaper than Nancy ($3k rather than $3500), but I'm not sure if she will take payments like Nancy was so quick to offer. Salt Lake City is slightly cheaper to stay in, but more expensive and time consuming to get to. Sending her a plane ticket would be a solution to a lot of problems - Grant would not miss extra weeks of work, I would not miss extra weeks of PATH, we would save at least $2k we totally do not have to spend anyway - but I have worries about whether that is a good idea or not. Would Grant Sr be alright with us having a homebirth here at all? Would he be willing to leave, so that I can feel comfortable as I would totally not feel comfortable with him walking around? Would we feel comfortable with Valerie living in our house for however long until I went into labor (and would Sr go for that). And then of course we still have the stupid law and stupid hospitals in this area, and my own desire to be somewhere I have not previously labored fruitlessly for days, that I could (hopefully?) get over. Grant is supposed to talk to his dad tomorrow so that I can call Valerie again the next day, and then we'll be closer to solid plans. We found out the other day that we'll be getting $3200 back for our tax return, which is nice, and helpful to be sure, but leaves us between $500 and $2k short, depending on what exactly we end up doing. $3-500 of it can be come up with by selling my old 96 Dodge Stratus to someone, most likely, and it's possible we could save small amounts, but the rest I'm still not sure about.


I have a lot to do all the time lately. Squeezed into my "Free minutes" - which are stolen anyway, and leave something uncleaned or uncooked or someone left hanging - are studying for an upcoming test, reading "Hypnobirthing" (Which I really like so far) and crafts. I discovered the blog of Anna Maria Horner and got insanely inspired. She is amazing. She has 5 gorgeous kids, she's beautiful and smart, and she has her own design label for everything from cocktail napkins to pillows. Her original fabrics rock. Some of you may also care that she's an Orthodox Christian. She posts new crafts everyday, and I'm already working on 3 copycat projects - the main one of which is a "Love Letter Pillow" to give Ananda for Valentine's Day. It's a pillow with a big fabric envelope sewn onto one side, that you can tuck notes into and pass back and forth discreetly during waking hours. Annie's is heart shaped and done in two contrasting fabrics - one as background and one as the envelope, on one side of the pillow, and the two fabrics as patchwork, on the back. I have most of the cutting done, and all the hemming of the envelope pieces, and all the patches joined. Just talking about it is making me want to perk up and go sew some more...but I know that having to scrub the kitchen counters before bed (the dishes are done and floor is cleaned already, but counters are gross...) will take the pep right out of my step. As Laura would say. That freaking dork.

I found an article online, from the archives of midwifery today, written by Nancy Wainer with much referencing to and of Valerie. The adendum after the article, which is highlighted in gray, blew me away. It is a word for word description of what happened to me with Jake - baby has back completely on right side or posterior, rather than on the left as it should be, thusly presenting the wrong part of the head at the cervical opening. As a result, uneven pressure is applied, dilation is reeeeeeeeeeeeaaally slloooooow after weeks of prodromal labor, and eventually as mother gets more and more exhausted and dehydrated the baby drops in this position, causing distress and mecomium, which in most medical situations calls for it all to end with a trip to the OR. She details ways to turn the baby in early labor to make things go as they should, and emphasizes the importance of being aware of fetal positioning to prevent these problems before they become major hurdles. WHERE, WHERE were these women all my life?! I didn't even know it was bad for Jake to be on my right, but I remember he ALWAYS, always was. The article and then the adendum can be read here - http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/dozen.asp

This new baby, my second daughter, just flipped back around to head down last night after I finally remembered to tell Grant she'd been breech for awhile.


Midway through this pregnancy I thought suddenly of the name "Ambriel" for her. I googled it to see if it even WAS a name, and it is - it's the name of some angel who is supposed to "inspire clear communication so that we might better speak our own truth" and be "gently guiding human beings towards a time when truth and clarity will be the universal norm". Ambriel is also supposed to be guardian angel of those born in May, which I thought at the time is when she would be born. I was all set to name her Ambriel Tallulah Walker. Tallulah is a long story for another entry.

More recently, I'd reconsidered on several grounds...it's so close to Ananda, it's a little awkward to pronounce and doesn't have any acceptable nicknames, and my due date has moved up considerably due to several factors like initially misinterpreted HCG levels. I'm fairly certain she'll be born in April now (the edd I've settled on is April 8, and I went into labor with Jake when I was 41w2d). Also, please nobody take this the wrong way, but while I found two or three vague and brief personal references to Ambriel as Catholic, I haven't found ANY mention of that name on any Catholic website ANYWHERE, including indexes of saints and angels, and most of the sites I do see it referenced at are extremely occult oriented (not Pagan or astrological or what have you either, but deep stuff about the metatron and such). I want to know who I'm naming my child after, here. Please feel free to enlighten me, anyone who knows more about this. My computer was attacked by a virus from a reference site and will not open reference sites (like wiki) anymore, since we cleaned all that out, and so I'm kinda limited in my research abilities until my harddrive is reformatted.

Still and all I do feel the name was basically placed in my head, and that the meaning is relevant and beautiful, and during the months I thought on it, it really grew on me. So even though Grant and I "officially" ditched it a week or so ago...I can't quite let it go.

If she's not Ambriel Tallulah, she'll be Tallulah Jellybean. Aside from being Native American (like Grant) and southern (like us) and sounding great with Walker, Tallulah means "falling water" or "leaping water", which I love, and is also tied in with a song that's important to me this time around. When I first found out she was a girl, I was so scared to bond at all, just knowing a sex made it all so much more real and it affirmed my hunches, which somehow frightened me and made me feel vulnerable...basically I felt like I had something to lose, after months of talking about how the risk in a vbac is to the baby, not the mother, and I have to put myself first since I have four other kids, here. The baby was real all of a sudden, and I found myself jerking my hands away from my belly when she would kick them at night. Well, I did away with all that nonsense - as she undoubtably ALSO wants a live mother, and the risk to her is EXTREMELY minimal and c-section has it's own risks to baby (as seen in my last two NICU newborns). This allows her a FAR better start in life, nutrient store, lung and emotion-wise. The intimacy I have with Jake, just after LABORING with him, is so intense compared to my other kids, and she deserves that, too. Loving at all is a risk, but I have to take it, even though my last two experiences of having a baby left me on guard. And so I found myself singing the Tori Amos song again,

Talula, Talula, I don't want to lose you
She must be worth losing if it is worth something -
Talula, Talula, she's brand new now to you,
Wrapped in your papoose,
Your little fig newton...

Tori spells it wrong, but I can forgive that :p Tallulah is loaded with nicknames and Jellybean is the middle name Grant long ago decided went along with it. I initially thought he was crazy but then I came around and got hooked.

Now it's 3:20 and I think this might be too long to leave uncut. I'll find out "tomorrow", based on whether I get any complaints.

Comments

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

I know nothing about Ambriel, except it is a lovely name. What about Bree for a nickname? or Ellie? Amber?

Tallulah is going to have to grow on me. I love the word...just haven't thought of it as a real life, modern day person's name. Heh. I LOVE Jelly bean!

Still keeping you in my prayers.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Grant said Bree, and I guess Ellie is an option I hadn't thought of. I used to think I hated nicknames, before I had kids, but in practice I probably call Jacob a dozen different things on any given day...none of which are Jacob. I also really like being able to deliberately say "Ananda", rather than just "Annie", sometimes, and HAVING Annie to say to strangers who will inevitably ask, "Amanda?" when they hear her name, otherwise...

I think Ambriel is lovely, too. It has this weight about it - I can easily imagine it as something very timeless and cross-cultural.

Tallulah is a mouthfull, but I like it.

And thanks.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

Would you call a Tallulah, Lulu? We call Luci Lulu almost all the time lately. It confused the heck out of her preschool teacher the other day when I called her Lulu. She was afraid they'd been calling Lucia by the wrong nickname all alone. No, I said, I just call her so many nicknames it is hard to pick just one....

Another knickname for Ambriel...Ambry. Babyslime said it is Hebrew too...interesting. I knew Jewish tradition named a lot of the angels. Perhaps that is where the angel thing came from? The name is growing on me exponentially. I really like it now. I will be disappointed if you throw it out!

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

We call my cousin Anjuli Lulu too. I think it morphed from called her Anjaloo to Lulu. I also have a friend who named her daughter Lucia JUST so that her name could be Lulu. They only call her Lulu - the Lucia is just for the birth certificate and for when she's older and doesn't want to be Lulu anymore :)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Yep - Lulu and Lula and Bean and who knows what else.

I actually found a onesie at Target that says "My name is Lulu and I'm a ladybug". Oh for endless amounts of shopping spree money :p

I like it too. Did you see Aranel's comments to babyslime?

[forgetfulmuse.livejournal.com]

I like the name Tallulah (not so struck on Jellybean, lol, but that's your choice and at least it's a middle name!)

Both my babies liked my right side for some reason. Lara didn't drop at all until I started pushing, which I did because the paramedics were all saying *they* didn't want to deliver the baby HERE and wanting me to get up and go to the hospital when I was in such hard labor I couldn't physically move myself. I literally felt her move from way up high into my birth canal, like she never would have moved if I hadn't pushed her. Guess it was comfy in there! Anyway, I didn't know being on the right side could be a problem either until you just said that. Strange.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I know why Jake was always on the right - I have a badly misaligned pelvis when not under chiropractic care, and it basically means that my right hip is lower, right leg is longer, and left hip is higher, left leg is shorter. So basically the right side of my uterus is "The big side" and my body leans towards it, while the left side is higher and kind of scrunched up. Whenever I first get adjusted and walk out of the office, I have to kind of "figure out" how to walk normally again without using the side of one of my feet :/

Anyway, getting adjusted regularly I have felt this baby on my left side nearly as often as my right - Jake was ALWAYS on my right. I'm trying really hard to do things I don't normally do, as well, like sleep on my left side and carry Jake on my left hip. It actually seems to make a difference.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but Annie and Amy? Sheesh. As Ms Arnett once said, they're kids, not twin poodles (Ella and Eli).

I think it's pretty, but I never meant to have an "A Theme" and part of the reason I don't want to use it is that I think it's too many As. But I don't want to NOT give this baby the perfect name based on her sibling group, either. Bah.

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

I love Tallulah. It's very pretty, and I've always loved that song too. Ambriel is pretty...but maybe because it's so close to my name, it's hard for me to spit out. And it would be important for me to know the background too, so I understand that. Tallulah is more melodic.

My aunt wanted to name her last daughter (out of five, plus one boy) Anjuli, after a princess in her favorite book. But she knew it was a Hindi name, and she didn't want to name her daughter after a Hindu god or anything. But she finally found an Indian woman who could translate, and it meant "praying hands." So now we have our little Anjuli Mae :)

I'm glad you updated about all this. I've been wondering where you all were at with this. I'm just so glad you have positive options now.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I keep waiting for you to update and say there's a new baby at your house!

Ambriel was a very deliberately spoken thing for me the first few times I said it, like I had to really think about it - but after saying it fairly often for a few months, it's not like that too much anymore. Isaac can't say it very well, though - it comes out sounding like about 4 words, all separated.

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

I want to update that there's a new baby in the house too, but no such luck yet.

Can you spell Ambriel out phonetically? Where is the emphasis? Is it AM-briel or AM-bri-ELLE or AM-briel?

My name is pronouced all those different ways, so that's the first thing I think of when seeing that name. Mainly whether there is an emphasis on the ELLE sound at the end.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I do not emphasize the ELLE at the end. It's just Am, bree, el. I think I give the syllables equal play, but if I have to choose, I guess I emphasize the Am most.

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

...

Mark and I are naming our first daughter Talulah. After the song.

No way.

Talulah Jellybean... if only Mark didn't insist on a "sensible" middle name...

I heart you so much right now. Even if you're not coming to Boston ;)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

See, I think middle names are one place you totally do not have to be sensible at all, because the child can choose to share or keep it private. And it can always be shortened to a sensible middle initial. Ananda's middle name is Rapunzel. But then I like whimsical girls' names and biblical boys' names, anyway. If this baby were male, I think I would have named him Jude Canaan. That grew on me enough that I sort of wish I was having another boy at some point...

There's been a lot of spelling debate around here. The thing is if you look in a name dictionary, or google it for meanings or whatever, Tallulah is the spelling and Talula is an alternate or variation, if it's listed at all. Also there have been celebrities, like an Indian Princess back in the day and the actress Tallulah Bankhead in this century, who have all spelled it the "correct way". Also literary characters, like the girl in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, which I read it and it's companion and read the name printed a hundred freakin' times. But Grant has only seen it around LJ (by Tori fans) and on the back of a Tori album, so he thinks I'm just randomly adding a bunch of crazy extra letters and it looks wrong. I'm really big on NOT naming kids with "alternative spellings" though...we called his mom the other day and asked her to be a tie breaker, and she had a friend sitting there who had worked at the post office seeing all the addressed stuff read "Tallulah", and I was very HA! about it. But I wonder if everyone on LJ will think I'm doing it wrong, since LJ is where the mispelling is coming from.

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

My favorite name, ever, because of you mentioning Ananda's middle name once, is Talulah Rapunzel. Mark said no to that one, not because he didn't like it but because he feels if you're going to name a child Talulah you have to give them an "easier" and more "normal" middle name in case they ever want to go by, say, T. Elizabeth Whatever in a professional setting. I can see his point... but I think the power of the name Talulah Rapunzel is in it being combined like that. Blah.

I like the Tori spelling just because to me it looks prettier. As long as a re-spelling doesn't include things like improper vowel replacements (ie, Allysin instead of Allison or something) I don't mind. I hate when people spell them so they'll be hard to pronounce properly, but then insist on the original pronunciation. I used to know a girl named Caroline but it was pronounced "Carolyn." She always got mad when people said "Carol-EYE-ne." Well, why wouldn't they???

I love the meaning too, leaping water... it links in with a dream/vision I had of my future daughter, after I knew I wanted Talulah to be her name but before I knew the meaning.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

It's tricky because I don't think you can use a middle name that begins OR ends with an "ah" sort of sound, with Tallulah as a first name. It just doesn't work, to me, and that limits your choices a lot. Grant actually got Jellybean off of an Archies comic cover in a checkout line, and called me all excited from the store on his cell.

Do you realize you aren't spelling it the traditional way OR the Tori way? :p

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're right, I'm not... hah. I feel like it still needs the h at the end to round it off. Talula looks too... I don't know. Unfinished? Girly? The h makes it look more natural and earthy to me. I have no idea why.

I actually saw it spelled Talulah on a few baby name websites. I think the original spelling has lost its "only right way"-ness a little. Oh well. The right way will be, for me, whatever's on the birth certificate :D

[idiolecto.livejournal.com]

I love the name Tallulah. :)

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

I love Tallulah and I love Ambriele.
I think you're finding it "associated" with occult because it is a unique or unusual name. Therefore you're more likely to find it talked about in those communities. Plus, "Ambrielle" means "Jewelled" something, which is a magnet for those kinds of people. It has nothing to do with origins, just preference. You'll find more "occult" style people drawn to names with meanings tied to nature (jewels, harmony, peace, etc) than you will Evangelical Christians. :-P

I can't find much on the name except that it IS one and that it's meaning varies, but usually something to do with jewels or jewelled torches.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

PS. Ambrielle is Celtic (?, perfect jewel) and Ambriele is Hebrew (father is rejoicing). There's like 50 different spellings.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Actually, I suspect there's more to the occult connection than just that. Angelic names in the Jewish and Christian scriptures (Gabriel, Raphael, etc.) end with -el because it signifies "God" in Hebrew (e.g. Michael, "Who is like God?"). A lot of medieval and Renaissance European occult practice were not mostly based on pre-Christian pagan traditions as many people believe, but involved attempts to do magic using spiritual forces described by the Cabbalistic (esoteric Jewish) and Christian traditions--including types of magic that would attempt to call upon the power of angels. Since the Bible doesn't supply a lot of angelic names and those it does supply are generally considered pretty powerful and not to be trifled with, magicians would often invent or "discover" the names of other angels. I say invent or discover but I don't really know how they came up with them--perhaps they had some practice for doing so. What we do know is that Hebrew or "Hebrew-sounding" angelic names show up in magical texts, names that don't appear in the Jewish and Christian tradition outside of occult practice. I suspect, though I don't have concrete evidence, that Ambriel is one of these pseudo-angelic names coined by magical practicioners--which is not to say it doesn't have a meaning in Hebrew.

Also, in the Catholic tradition angelic personal names (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael) are given to boys (though girls are sometimes called "Angela" "Angelina," etc.) because all the angels named in the Bible are masculine in gender (though *not*, obviously, biologically male).

Sorry I wrote a book--this stuff fascinates me. I would personally stay away from giving an occult-associated pseudo-angelic name to a child--not because it's demonic or something but simply because I like names with well-attested origins--even though it is very pretty.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

That's incredibly fascinating.
However, the point I was trying to make still stands: just because a name is popular in the new-age circles, doesn't automatically make it an occult name.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Oh no, totally not. I wasn't saying that. I was saying specifically that uncommon names ending with -iel or -ael are often occult-associated "angelic" names (hence all the sites Tina found when she Googled). It's safe to say that names like Amethyst, Rhiannon, Moon Unit, etc. do not have occult origins. :)

Please note also that I'm trying not to confuse "pagan" with "occult." By "occult" I'm referring to esoteric traditions practiced by a small elite interested in acquiring various kinds of supernatural power (some, but not all of which, involve scary concepts drawn from the Judeo-Christian tradition, like that of demons/fallen angels). Although some (not all) modern-day pagans are also into occult knowledge, it wouldn't be appropriate to refer to most of what ancient pagan societies did as "occult," because "occult" specifically refers to hidden knowledge that the majority of people don't have. When everyone in your culture does particular types of rituals, that's not "the occult." (You probably know all this, I'm just trying to clarify my meaning for anyone reading along.)

[theneolistickid.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but what about "Jellybean"?! :)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you for looking :) I don't really like the alternate spellings, though - the look, or the meanings, or the emphasis they place on the "elle" sound at the end of the name. I guess I'm splitting hairs but they just don't seem like the same name I'm thinking of. The stuff aranel said about the angel name origins is actually just what I was thinking could be the case - unusual names with celtic origins don't bother me at all, but I'm too into backgrounds and meanings of names to really dig something that came about to aid people twisting Christian evil around to call on fallen angels for help with their pseudo-black/Satanic magic.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Also, "Ambrielle" is apparently the J.C. Penney private label brand of lingerie, which would be enough to ruin a cool name for me right there. :/

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Eh, as I was telling Babyslime, I don't even see Ambrielle as the same name. It's a different spelling, pronounciation and meaning. Besides, how long running would that brand really be? When I was gestating there was some awful singer in the Top 40 named "Tina Marie" (which is my name), but way before Kindergarden ever started, she was completely forgotten.