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altarflameIt's past 2:30 in the morning, and I don't want to go to bed. I'm tired, and even sleepy, but everytime I lay down lately I just toss and turn for hours before I can get comfortable. I think they call this "the third trimester", where you finally do get down into the most blissful sleep you've ever had...and then you have to pee.
It's raining outside, and has been since before midnight.
I don't think I'll be birthing with Nancy Wainer. She is wonderful and willing to take me, but urges me to consider her teacher and mentor, Valerie El Halta - some of you may remember me talking with Valerie on the phone. The big thing is that when I talk to Nancy, she seems to give me the vibes of thinking I can totally do it, but feeling like Valerie is more equipped for my kind of situation. Whereas to Valerie, there is no "situation" and I get nothing but confidence from her. Plus she has 20 years and over a thousand births more experience. Valerie is in Salt Lake City, but also is a midwife who typically travels to people to help them birth at home. She is a little cheaper than Nancy ($3k rather than $3500), but I'm not sure if she will take payments like Nancy was so quick to offer. Salt Lake City is slightly cheaper to stay in, but more expensive and time consuming to get to. Sending her a plane ticket would be a solution to a lot of problems - Grant would not miss extra weeks of work, I would not miss extra weeks of PATH, we would save at least $2k we totally do not have to spend anyway - but I have worries about whether that is a good idea or not. Would Grant Sr be alright with us having a homebirth here at all? Would he be willing to leave, so that I can feel comfortable as I would totally not feel comfortable with him walking around? Would we feel comfortable with Valerie living in our house for however long until I went into labor (and would Sr go for that). And then of course we still have the stupid law and stupid hospitals in this area, and my own desire to be somewhere I have not previously labored fruitlessly for days, that I could (hopefully?) get over. Grant is supposed to talk to his dad tomorrow so that I can call Valerie again the next day, and then we'll be closer to solid plans. We found out the other day that we'll be getting $3200 back for our tax return, which is nice, and helpful to be sure, but leaves us between $500 and $2k short, depending on what exactly we end up doing. $3-500 of it can be come up with by selling my old 96 Dodge Stratus to someone, most likely, and it's possible we could save small amounts, but the rest I'm still not sure about.
I have a lot to do all the time lately. Squeezed into my "Free minutes" - which are stolen anyway, and leave something uncleaned or uncooked or someone left hanging - are studying for an upcoming test, reading "Hypnobirthing" (Which I really like so far) and crafts. I discovered the blog of Anna Maria Horner and got insanely inspired. She is amazing. She has 5 gorgeous kids, she's beautiful and smart, and she has her own design label for everything from cocktail napkins to pillows. Her original fabrics rock. Some of you may also care that she's an Orthodox Christian. She posts new crafts everyday, and I'm already working on 3 copycat projects - the main one of which is a "Love Letter Pillow" to give Ananda for Valentine's Day. It's a pillow with a big fabric envelope sewn onto one side, that you can tuck notes into and pass back and forth discreetly during waking hours. Annie's is heart shaped and done in two contrasting fabrics - one as background and one as the envelope, on one side of the pillow, and the two fabrics as patchwork, on the back. I have most of the cutting done, and all the hemming of the envelope pieces, and all the patches joined. Just talking about it is making me want to perk up and go sew some more...but I know that having to scrub the kitchen counters before bed (the dishes are done and floor is cleaned already, but counters are gross...) will take the pep right out of my step. As Laura would say. That freaking dork.
I found an article online, from the archives of midwifery today, written by Nancy Wainer with much referencing to and of Valerie. The adendum after the article, which is highlighted in gray, blew me away. It is a word for word description of what happened to me with Jake - baby has back completely on right side or posterior, rather than on the left as it should be, thusly presenting the wrong part of the head at the cervical opening. As a result, uneven pressure is applied, dilation is reeeeeeeeeeeeaaally slloooooow after weeks of prodromal labor, and eventually as mother gets more and more exhausted and dehydrated the baby drops in this position, causing distress and mecomium, which in most medical situations calls for it all to end with a trip to the OR. She details ways to turn the baby in early labor to make things go as they should, and emphasizes the importance of being aware of fetal positioning to prevent these problems before they become major hurdles. WHERE, WHERE were these women all my life?! I didn't even know it was bad for Jake to be on my right, but I remember he ALWAYS, always was. The article and then the adendum can be read here - http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/dozen.asp
This new baby, my second daughter, just flipped back around to head down last night after I finally remembered to tell Grant she'd been breech for awhile.
Midway through this pregnancy I thought suddenly of the name "Ambriel" for her. I googled it to see if it even WAS a name, and it is - it's the name of some angel who is supposed to "inspire clear communication so that we might better speak our own truth" and be "gently guiding human beings towards a time when truth and clarity will be the universal norm". Ambriel is also supposed to be guardian angel of those born in May, which I thought at the time is when she would be born. I was all set to name her Ambriel Tallulah Walker. Tallulah is a long story for another entry.
More recently, I'd reconsidered on several grounds...it's so close to Ananda, it's a little awkward to pronounce and doesn't have any acceptable nicknames, and my due date has moved up considerably due to several factors like initially misinterpreted HCG levels. I'm fairly certain she'll be born in April now (the edd I've settled on is April 8, and I went into labor with Jake when I was 41w2d). Also, please nobody take this the wrong way, but while I found two or three vague and brief personal references to Ambriel as Catholic, I haven't found ANY mention of that name on any Catholic website ANYWHERE, including indexes of saints and angels, and most of the sites I do see it referenced at are extremely occult oriented (not Pagan or astrological or what have you either, but deep stuff about the metatron and such). I want to know who I'm naming my child after, here. Please feel free to enlighten me, anyone who knows more about this. My computer was attacked by a virus from a reference site and will not open reference sites (like wiki) anymore, since we cleaned all that out, and so I'm kinda limited in my research abilities until my harddrive is reformatted.
Still and all I do feel the name was basically placed in my head, and that the meaning is relevant and beautiful, and during the months I thought on it, it really grew on me. So even though Grant and I "officially" ditched it a week or so ago...I can't quite let it go.
If she's not Ambriel Tallulah, she'll be Tallulah Jellybean. Aside from being Native American (like Grant) and southern (like us) and sounding great with Walker, Tallulah means "falling water" or "leaping water", which I love, and is also tied in with a song that's important to me this time around. When I first found out she was a girl, I was so scared to bond at all, just knowing a sex made it all so much more real and it affirmed my hunches, which somehow frightened me and made me feel vulnerable...basically I felt like I had something to lose, after months of talking about how the risk in a vbac is to the baby, not the mother, and I have to put myself first since I have four other kids, here. The baby was real all of a sudden, and I found myself jerking my hands away from my belly when she would kick them at night. Well, I did away with all that nonsense - as she undoubtably ALSO wants a live mother, and the risk to her is EXTREMELY minimal and c-section has it's own risks to baby (as seen in my last two NICU newborns). This allows her a FAR better start in life, nutrient store, lung and emotion-wise. The intimacy I have with Jake, just after LABORING with him, is so intense compared to my other kids, and she deserves that, too. Loving at all is a risk, but I have to take it, even though my last two experiences of having a baby left me on guard. And so I found myself singing the Tori Amos song again,
Talula, Talula, I don't want to lose you
She must be worth losing if it is worth something -
Talula, Talula, she's brand new now to you,
Wrapped in your papoose,
Your little fig newton...
Tori spells it wrong, but I can forgive that :p Tallulah is loaded with nicknames and Jellybean is the middle name Grant long ago decided went along with it. I initially thought he was crazy but then I came around and got hooked.
Now it's 3:20 and I think this might be too long to leave uncut. I'll find out "tomorrow", based on whether I get any complaints.
It's raining outside, and has been since before midnight.
I don't think I'll be birthing with Nancy Wainer. She is wonderful and willing to take me, but urges me to consider her teacher and mentor, Valerie El Halta - some of you may remember me talking with Valerie on the phone. The big thing is that when I talk to Nancy, she seems to give me the vibes of thinking I can totally do it, but feeling like Valerie is more equipped for my kind of situation. Whereas to Valerie, there is no "situation" and I get nothing but confidence from her. Plus she has 20 years and over a thousand births more experience. Valerie is in Salt Lake City, but also is a midwife who typically travels to people to help them birth at home. She is a little cheaper than Nancy ($3k rather than $3500), but I'm not sure if she will take payments like Nancy was so quick to offer. Salt Lake City is slightly cheaper to stay in, but more expensive and time consuming to get to. Sending her a plane ticket would be a solution to a lot of problems - Grant would not miss extra weeks of work, I would not miss extra weeks of PATH, we would save at least $2k we totally do not have to spend anyway - but I have worries about whether that is a good idea or not. Would Grant Sr be alright with us having a homebirth here at all? Would he be willing to leave, so that I can feel comfortable as I would totally not feel comfortable with him walking around? Would we feel comfortable with Valerie living in our house for however long until I went into labor (and would Sr go for that). And then of course we still have the stupid law and stupid hospitals in this area, and my own desire to be somewhere I have not previously labored fruitlessly for days, that I could (hopefully?) get over. Grant is supposed to talk to his dad tomorrow so that I can call Valerie again the next day, and then we'll be closer to solid plans. We found out the other day that we'll be getting $3200 back for our tax return, which is nice, and helpful to be sure, but leaves us between $500 and $2k short, depending on what exactly we end up doing. $3-500 of it can be come up with by selling my old 96 Dodge Stratus to someone, most likely, and it's possible we could save small amounts, but the rest I'm still not sure about.
I have a lot to do all the time lately. Squeezed into my "Free minutes" - which are stolen anyway, and leave something uncleaned or uncooked or someone left hanging - are studying for an upcoming test, reading "Hypnobirthing" (Which I really like so far) and crafts. I discovered the blog of Anna Maria Horner and got insanely inspired. She is amazing. She has 5 gorgeous kids, she's beautiful and smart, and she has her own design label for everything from cocktail napkins to pillows. Her original fabrics rock. Some of you may also care that she's an Orthodox Christian. She posts new crafts everyday, and I'm already working on 3 copycat projects - the main one of which is a "Love Letter Pillow" to give Ananda for Valentine's Day. It's a pillow with a big fabric envelope sewn onto one side, that you can tuck notes into and pass back and forth discreetly during waking hours. Annie's is heart shaped and done in two contrasting fabrics - one as background and one as the envelope, on one side of the pillow, and the two fabrics as patchwork, on the back. I have most of the cutting done, and all the hemming of the envelope pieces, and all the patches joined. Just talking about it is making me want to perk up and go sew some more...but I know that having to scrub the kitchen counters before bed (the dishes are done and floor is cleaned already, but counters are gross...) will take the pep right out of my step. As Laura would say. That freaking dork.
I found an article online, from the archives of midwifery today, written by Nancy Wainer with much referencing to and of Valerie. The adendum after the article, which is highlighted in gray, blew me away. It is a word for word description of what happened to me with Jake - baby has back completely on right side or posterior, rather than on the left as it should be, thusly presenting the wrong part of the head at the cervical opening. As a result, uneven pressure is applied, dilation is reeeeeeeeeeeeaaally slloooooow after weeks of prodromal labor, and eventually as mother gets more and more exhausted and dehydrated the baby drops in this position, causing distress and mecomium, which in most medical situations calls for it all to end with a trip to the OR. She details ways to turn the baby in early labor to make things go as they should, and emphasizes the importance of being aware of fetal positioning to prevent these problems before they become major hurdles. WHERE, WHERE were these women all my life?! I didn't even know it was bad for Jake to be on my right, but I remember he ALWAYS, always was. The article and then the adendum can be read here - http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/dozen.asp
This new baby, my second daughter, just flipped back around to head down last night after I finally remembered to tell Grant she'd been breech for awhile.
Midway through this pregnancy I thought suddenly of the name "Ambriel" for her. I googled it to see if it even WAS a name, and it is - it's the name of some angel who is supposed to "inspire clear communication so that we might better speak our own truth" and be "gently guiding human beings towards a time when truth and clarity will be the universal norm". Ambriel is also supposed to be guardian angel of those born in May, which I thought at the time is when she would be born. I was all set to name her Ambriel Tallulah Walker. Tallulah is a long story for another entry.
More recently, I'd reconsidered on several grounds...it's so close to Ananda, it's a little awkward to pronounce and doesn't have any acceptable nicknames, and my due date has moved up considerably due to several factors like initially misinterpreted HCG levels. I'm fairly certain she'll be born in April now (the edd I've settled on is April 8, and I went into labor with Jake when I was 41w2d). Also, please nobody take this the wrong way, but while I found two or three vague and brief personal references to Ambriel as Catholic, I haven't found ANY mention of that name on any Catholic website ANYWHERE, including indexes of saints and angels, and most of the sites I do see it referenced at are extremely occult oriented (not Pagan or astrological or what have you either, but deep stuff about the metatron and such). I want to know who I'm naming my child after, here. Please feel free to enlighten me, anyone who knows more about this. My computer was attacked by a virus from a reference site and will not open reference sites (like wiki) anymore, since we cleaned all that out, and so I'm kinda limited in my research abilities until my harddrive is reformatted.
Still and all I do feel the name was basically placed in my head, and that the meaning is relevant and beautiful, and during the months I thought on it, it really grew on me. So even though Grant and I "officially" ditched it a week or so ago...I can't quite let it go.
If she's not Ambriel Tallulah, she'll be Tallulah Jellybean. Aside from being Native American (like Grant) and southern (like us) and sounding great with Walker, Tallulah means "falling water" or "leaping water", which I love, and is also tied in with a song that's important to me this time around. When I first found out she was a girl, I was so scared to bond at all, just knowing a sex made it all so much more real and it affirmed my hunches, which somehow frightened me and made me feel vulnerable...basically I felt like I had something to lose, after months of talking about how the risk in a vbac is to the baby, not the mother, and I have to put myself first since I have four other kids, here. The baby was real all of a sudden, and I found myself jerking my hands away from my belly when she would kick them at night. Well, I did away with all that nonsense - as she undoubtably ALSO wants a live mother, and the risk to her is EXTREMELY minimal and c-section has it's own risks to baby (as seen in my last two NICU newborns). This allows her a FAR better start in life, nutrient store, lung and emotion-wise. The intimacy I have with Jake, just after LABORING with him, is so intense compared to my other kids, and she deserves that, too. Loving at all is a risk, but I have to take it, even though my last two experiences of having a baby left me on guard. And so I found myself singing the Tori Amos song again,
Talula, Talula, I don't want to lose you
She must be worth losing if it is worth something -
Talula, Talula, she's brand new now to you,
Wrapped in your papoose,
Your little fig newton...
Tori spells it wrong, but I can forgive that :p Tallulah is loaded with nicknames and Jellybean is the middle name Grant long ago decided went along with it. I initially thought he was crazy but then I came around and got hooked.
Now it's 3:20 and I think this might be too long to leave uncut. I'll find out "tomorrow", based on whether I get any complaints.
