Life's been good to me so far

It's January 1, 2015. <--I'm sitting with that sentence for a bit, trying to take it in.

I ate two eggs on toast with some iced coffee from our fridge, for breakfast, at the picnic table outside. Then I wrote a 3 page long poem, and then I took Ananda and went on a BJ's run.


I'm very happy, which tends to scare me. I'm learning to be happy and scared about the happiness at the same time, which is possibly the most important life skill I could master.

In the process of trying to fill out that end of the year meme, I read back over some old entries for the first time in a long time. I remembered how much I love having them to look back on, and decided I need to blog more, or at least more honestly. I'm not dishonest, here, but sometimes I'm less honest, if that makes any sense.

For instance, I feel wildly head over heels in love with Grant. I fell in love with him either for the first real time or on some whole other level, in late 2013/early 2014. And I'm embarrassed, to say that, and I don't know why. It's just so much. I wasn't even willing to let him know yet, a year ago today.

I was sitting in a coffee shop with him yesterday and I looked up at him, feeling my heart swell, and I thought Oh this is terrible. How do people live like this?

The night before he'd told me, holding me, "I know the sex must have been really good if you're crying about how I can die afterward."

It's really sweet and torturous and awful, and silly, and wonderful.

And I feel like it, in addition to my peaceful and conscious choice to just be monogamous, are both somehow sprung from the total freedom he extended to me to do whatever I wanted. The level of honesty we were able to achieve with no assumptions and wiping the slate clean. The understanding that we could make our own rules for our marriage. His exploration and humble tackling of his own faults, and willingness to change, and my own realizations about shit that is just my own but I unfairly blame on him. I could just work on me without blaming him forever, you know? Most of the time that's actually more productive, for me AND for us.

All of it somehow added up to me feeling like the luckiest woman in the world for what I've already got, and really not wanting anything else. Even though that's terrifying and means he can leave me and devastate me, he can be with other people if he wants because I'm not gonna close that door on him just because I changed my own mind, he can die and I'll have "nothing" (not exactly true, but love-relationship true), just... I'm gonna get old, right here. And I can smile and cry about it at the same time. The hardest part is how good it is. It's so much to lose.

I have a really hard time with vulnerability. What a stupid sentence that is. Nevertheless... I crave it and I seek it, but I struggle with it, bigtime. I didn't want Grant to know I was falling so much more in love with him, butterflies-kinda-love, because what if he's too far past that phase with me and I'll just be a big idiot. What if he's tired of my shit and our neverending, tedious as all fuck "Conversation" (about our sex issues, our interests-are-diverging issues, our he's-codependent issues, blah blah blah). I spent weeks thinking sadly that I was going to be really totally in love with him right as he decided he was finally and completely done, with me. It would all be a tragedy of timing.

It was actually FAR easier for me to say, "I don't know if I've ever really been in-love with you," than "I've fallen in-love with you." It was far easier to get to, "maybe we should be open to outside relationships," than to take it back with a "I only want to be with you. No matter what you choose, for yourself, I mean." It was far easier for me in years past, when I was keeping our problems to myself, and I had my private doubts, to go on and on about Grant's (valid) good points online. To convince myself? To make up for some of what was missing? I was also hugely distracted by and focused on pregnancies and babies and toddlers, of course. And Grant and I make great partners, as parents, and are very good at piloting a family together. The point is that now that the kids are older and we're standing here as individuals who've had to re-evaluate who we even are, I'm often too overwhelmed by his good points to share them.

The other day I had this ridiculous "you are the reason I'm smiling when there's no reason to smile" pic on my phone that I wanted to put on his facebook wall, and it took me the whole day to do it, and then I was BLUSHING when I did. Because...I don't know why. Because it's so true that it hurts. Because I'm afraid of it disappearing and so I hold it close.

I also didn't want to tell Grant, initially, because I didn't know how to blend our prioritizing of our individual selves (hobbies, friendships, time alone, etc) with being "in-love." And I didn't want to fuck anything up either, because clearly the individual self prioritizing ALLOWED the love blossoming.

I wrote a whole lot about this, just not publicly. It was all for me, and later, him. I deleted my OkCupid account. I did weird shit like avoid him at all costs and refuse to make eye contact and sob with relief in our kitchen when he was like, "Dude, it's really ok, let's just be monogamous, why are you freaking out? I'm glad you're in love with me. How did you think I would react?"


We're just so much better like this, good lord. And it's this balancing act and I don't want to like, LOSE the total, raw, sometimes painful honesty that asking hard questions and opening up the marriage and all that caused, or start taking each other for granted and acting codependent again, but for the last, I dunno, uh...6 months? 8? We've done a really great job of walking the line. Even when he got depressed, or I stayed sick, or whatever...

He'll give me this knowing look with a pat and tell me polyamory can come back into the conversation and he sort of assumes it will one day in the future. Maybe he's even right. We make a lot of casual jokes we never could have made years ago, like about how we'll have a bed and breakfast and I'll sleep with guys passing through.

More likely I'll be spending too much money on flowers to put everywhere and wasting a lot of tea and baked goods because I always over prepare.

---

This Christmas break has been some of the best days of my entire life. I'm not kidding even a little. It's just perfect. Sleeping in every day til whenever I feel like getting up, taking one kid at a time out places, lying in cuddle piles with all of them, having SO MUCH EPIC SEX ALL THE TIME THERE IS NO OVERSTATING THIS - Grant took a week and a half of their 2 weeks off, so it's been all of us, unstructured, nowhere to go. I've got hickies and feel like I've had a professional massage or something, most of the time. Lots of coffee here and at Starbucks and at other shops, lots of wine in the evenings - Christmas was beautiful. Everything is beautiful. The weather is good. The house is a mess and nobody gives a shit.

One day I was standing by the mailbox and said, "Wait, is it Saturday or Sunday?" and Grant said, "It's Tuesday."

We went out to the Everglades the other night to just look at stars on a whim, after Annie suggested it. Jake complained the whole time, and I got mosquito bites on my feet, but it was still perfect.

I spent a whole evening texting with Kristin.
I've caught up with Jess.
Kathy sent me a picture of her out with her new baby in our Kozy carrier that made me warm.
I was going to send Laura a picture of her (awesome) cheese grater, that she left here after Thanksgiving, with a big red bow on it, and say "Thanks so much for the present, we all love it!" but she's giving us a fat credit they had leftover somehow at a school uniform store, which is pretty sweet and honestly makes my gift for her (a dark chocolate bar with orange bits in it) seem hilariously lacking.

Grant gave me Amanda Palmer's "Art of Asking" book for Christmas, since he had just finished listening to the audio version, loved it, and REALLY wanted to talk about it all with me. I'm done with the whole thing and started on a new book already, since this is surreal-heaven-timeless time. It was great, btw, and I highly recommend it, though all the notes and afterwards at the very end got kind of redundant.

The other night in bed, I dozed off and dreamed the beginning of a story. I woke up excited, tapped it all into Evernote on my phone, and have been fleshing it out ever since.

I also went to FIU and worked out my Fall Failures. Since Elise needs me here for some unknown time and I do not have any older kids about the place during the school day for times I might need to go in when Grant can't be home, I'm contemplating switching to FIU fully online for the rest of my bachelors. That's simultaneously really disappointing and also no big deal. I've loved and gotten a lot out of my on campus classes, but it's really far for the kind of logistical things we're dealing with re: kids, school, etc. And I've had some online classes that I got a lot out of too, even back at MDC, so we'll see.

Yesterday Isaac, Jake and Elise took bags and a stepladder across to our neighbor with a starfruit tree, since it was dropping fruit everywhere again and he encourages them to do this. Whenever they knock he says to take what they want, and will even come with trimmers to help them get high ones. They've been eating starfruit basically anytime I look at them ever since. Elise has probably had 10 today. I tried to get Shaun to take some home last night.

A couple of days ago we had pizza out, all 7 of us, after shopping at Get Smart.
Then hit a park.
This morning while we were snuggling in my bed, Elise said, "Can we have dinner at the beach?" and I was like, "Hmm. Ok!" It will probably actually end up happening tomorrow, because of how the hours are passing, which is also ok.

The kids are all having so much fun all the time with their new (presents) stuff. Building with legos and clay, painting, Aaron sometimes seems to never get off his new unicycle. The old one looks so tiny next to it, it's no wonder he couldn't use it anymore, he's SOOOO much taller now.

We watched "Her" (the Joaquin Phoenix movie). It was really thought provoking and strange.

We might all go and see "Into The Woods" soon.

It's really almost too awesome, right? I mean I'll be back in the whirlwind of our normal schedule soon, but I'm considering taking this semester off, and with Elise home life is just way simpler even when we're not enjoying a holiday. And I love teaching her. She keeps talking about how she can talk silently inside her mind now, and sound things out in her head, and I love the window into her development that she gives me. She's so eager and interested.

I had counseling yesterday. We talked about new years resolutions. I'm still getting mine together. I like to make them realistic and planned out in some detail, so that they actually happen.

I will stop gushing and go back to luxuriating, now, because at the moment a mountain of dirty dishes and NPR really sounds like more luxuriating. I'll water all my plants. Whatever I decide to make for dinner on no specific timeline. Grant and Jake are almost done sanding a desk they made, out back. Tonight might be a bubble bath night. I haven't had one in I don't know how many months.

I even have period cramps today. But coupled with a massive capacity to savor small pleasures and a good perspective? Or maybe I just really hate structure and schedules. Maybe it's LOVE. Ooooor all the sex.

I'll take it. And try not to get caught up in the poignancy of existential crises too often.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
-trained/challenged myself in a running program
-worked out in a gym
-attended a university
-applied for a passport
-started monitoring my credit, and taking real steps to improve it
-really tackled the very worst, super triggering terrible stuff, in therapy
-read one of my stories for/had it featured by someone else (and Twenty Troubled Ladies is also now part of one professor's ENC1101 curriculum at Miami Dade College, how nuts is THAT)
-broke glass on purpose - several times
-seriously considered and talked about polyamory

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolutions were small, but I do think I did fairly well at all three of them - I resolved to drink more water on a regular basis, read to the children much more than I had been, and to get better at taking compliments. I still catch myself stammering or arguing with well meaning people who are trying to be nice to me, but I CATCH MYSELF. I've had to bridge the gap to graciousness by actually explaining to people when I get too awkward that I made this resolution to get better at taking compliments.

I will make more. It's a good tool for me, that's led to some nice lasting changes in recent years. There will be specific writing goals, and straight As, on the list, though beyond that I'm not sure yet.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. My mother got diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). She is still smoking a couple of packs of cigarettes per day.

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries...I took Aaron to a dance convention in Orlando in May (I think?), and I went with Grant to Maryland in the summer, and Boston in the fall.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Local friends I see regularly.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?
I'm not good at dates, but the market in Silver Spring, and the Becca Rosenthal memorial concert, those were really great occasions. Annie's derby bouts, too.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I don't know. Maybe getting through a few weeks of C25K and making some real progress before I started flaring, maybe doing really well in 5 classes during the short summer term. Elise's birthday (science lab table and Seaquarium trip) and Thanksgiving (SO much good food, SO many peope I really love) were both fabulous successes this year.

Also huge success - summer. Ananda did a big 3 day derby event up the road with Grant, and Girl Scout leadership training, and 3 weeks of GS camp. Aaron had a big recital and then 5 fulltime weeks of dance intensives. Isaac, Jake and Elise had 4 weeks of GMYS (symphony) camp, and Elise also did 3 weeks of GS camp. They were just all doing really great structured stuff that I felt good about, at the same time I was rocking all those classes.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I think it was not seeking help or being proactive about managing whatever is wrong with me better. I suffered in silence, half-assing my classes this fall and struggling to do anything, for way too long. It might have made a huge difference in my grades and our last couple of months as a family if I'd went to the freaking doctor about 2 months before I did.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes. I'm suffering some kind of thing that we're still trying to figure out. So far the list of symptoms is a high sed rate and positive c-reactive protein, B-12 and folic acid deficiency, extreme exhaustion, intermittently painful joints, periodic fevers, and terrible brain fog. I start seeing a new rheumatologist January 13.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Naot shoes. Orthopedic (purple!) mary janes, basically. They made it possible for me to traipse all over my 342 acre campus.

Also Nexxus split end repair shampoo and conditioner!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My children's amazing dentist. She loves them all and remembers so many details about each of them. She lets Elise hold the little spit sucker and/or rinsing tubes and "help" while she works on the other kids. She listens to and engages them. And she's always telling us some awesome story about when she was scuba diving or when she was in India.

And Neil Gaiman! First he retweeted and tumblr reblogged stuff about meeting Ananda, which absolutely THRILLED her like I've rarely seen her thrilled...then he made us this video, which I think actually made it up to her that she wasn't there with us :D I think she will feel special for the rest of her life because of these things.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Steve Bateman, the mayor where I live, who was arrested for fraud and still got to run for the following term FROM PRISON.

And someone else I don't feel like I can call out publicly. YET o_O

14. Where did most of your money go?
I feel like every little bit of it went to Annie's derby trips, replacement gear, symphony tuition, dental extractions and braces. I also feel like it all went to Isaac's school in the form of supplies, uniforms, fundraisers, charity drives, field trips, cheerleading tuition, bake sale contributions, performance tickets... The truth is I spend it all at the grocery store.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
"The Killing Type" - and "In My Mind" - and "St Kilda to Fitzroy" ...in that order.

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

Thinner or fatter: Ever so slightly thinner

Richer or poorer: Somewhat significantly richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hanging out with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sitting in the stopped, idling car like a jackass. I mean damn.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Here at home :) My mother in law, her husband, and our nieces (who live with them) are staying at our house all week.

21. What was your favorite month of 2013?
Hmm...I don't know. Late summer and early fall were the healthiest and most adventurous times, though.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
I fell in love with thai food. And bubble tea.

23. How many one-night stands?
Why is this question even on the meme? (that's a no)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Louie on FX. Louis CK - there are not words for how I love him.

This last season of True Blood was amazing, too. Easily the best out of the last few.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
The (resigned? I think?) CEO of Dade Medical College. But that's more about him as an entity and what it means for my town, and less about anything truly personal...

26. What was the best book you read?
Probably "The Night Circus," by Erin Morgenstern. I also really liked, "The Ocean at The End of The Lane" by Neil Gaiman and "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
AMANDA PALMER, and the Dresden Dolls

28. What did you want and get?
An iPhone 5, and it's superior camera.

29. What did you want and not get?
Robby down for Thanksgiving.
A Christmas Eve celebration.
Finished illustrations.
A spot in the Miami Book Fair.
Energy, many days.
For this stupid abdominal surgery I need to just be done and over with.
Mostly, honestly, to just connect with people more IRL.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Maybe this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0Hhh2rQXl8 and moreso because I saw it at a live screening. Hollywood style, it was a three way tie between Iron Man 3, Thor 2 and World War Z.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
OOOooooh it was so epic, Grant and I both turned 32 and we went to Boston for 5 days just the two of us. We hung out and stayed with Nancy, ate at delicious restaurants, went to emeraldrabbit's house and passed an afternoon with her little family, met idiolecto for coffee, spent the night in a ridiculously posh penthouse suite... I was starting to feel bad, during the trip, but it hadn't really hit a crescendo yet. It was lovely.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If Anne Rice had continued replying to my emails. I feel very left hanging, even though it makes sense that she gets overwhelmed with correspondence and I don't think it's personal.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
ASOS Curve

34. What kept you sane?
I'm not sure I was always sane, this year.

Huge crying jags and "getting it all out," in a rush of words, usually helped, though. Usually to Grant, sometimes to Kristin, more rarely Jess or my sister. I've had some really helpful counseling strides. Going and interacting with people in classes has been helpful, too.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mmm...I really don't. I like looking at Helena Bonham Carter and Kat Dennings and when Chris Hemmsworth is dressed up as Thor but not in character that's a really weird and specific hotness? I mostly "fancy" bloggers and indie authors and fictional characters.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The second inauguration. The Trayvon Martin case. Anonymous Vs Steubenville. And Monsanto's continuing infliltration of positions of power :/

37. Who did you miss?
People I haven't met yet! And, my Aunt Michelle.

38. Who were the best new people you met?
Michael Pope. Isaac's cheerleading coach. Mark Cotton!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
How important it is to be prolific, and how significantly small bits of productivity can add up.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/amandapalmer/inmymind.html

So, this week has been kind of a bust. Or not, depending on how you look at it. I can look back and name off the meals I cooked and the things I cleaned and the time I spent with Aaron or reading to the little kids, or the hours and hours and hours sleeping in and laying around with my illnesses. I read a book and two epic length fanfiction stories and took a great bath and wrote poetry for the first time in a year or more. I feel decidedly crusty - nose, eyes, throat, eww.

I'm thinking about New Years Resolutions. I made a LOT of them last year, and I think i did pretty well with them. I mean I had a fucking ton of really drastic resolutions and reiterated many times that it would be "my year", and I have to say that while I didn't do everything I wanted and see more to improve on...I am no longer the creature I was this time last year, hiding inside of myself. Keeping huge secrets from my husband in an increasingly unhappy marriage, wondering what I was supposed to be DOING with myself all the long hours of everyday, feeling hopeless and helpless. Uh-uh. Big shit for me, after 3.5 years spent just trying to hang on and survive following 2007.

2011 Resolutions:

-to be totally honest with Grant and fix this shit even if we kill it in the effort
I was definitely totally honest. About how woefully unsatisfied I was and trapped I felt and the massive doubts that were obsessing me. Through the help of objective friends, counseling on both of our parts, and hitting rock bottom, as it were (I think that was the day he spent sobbing and screaming while I took the kids to a party feeling like I wanted to die), we came to some huge conclusions. He realized he's got a major problem with codependency and we both realized what that actually is. He read books about it, joined web forums, started going to meetings. This was massive. Grant hadn't ever done any "work" on or for himself. He had to accept that it might be for himself because we might not pull through it. We started having fun, realizing our youngest kid is definitely old enough to be left for a few hours every week - doing stuff we've never ever done for no damned reason but that we hadn't, like taking baths together and going to the beach at night and walking around Miami on Saturday evenings and blaring music together blasting over causeways. I think I freaked him out a bunch of times telling him fantasies and wants I hadn't ever felt like there was any point saying to him, things I didn't feel like he could deal with, let alone relate to - I had this whole GIANT ENORMOUS ALWAYS ON MY MIND secret part of myself that I was just keeping for myself, like as though I was going to get a chance to utilize it with somebody else one day or something? Subconsciously though. And we broke through a ton of it and spent a ridiculous amount of money at the sex store and he actually found some independent desire and motivation to get it on that was really amazing for me. Is really amazing for me. He also realized he has dietary intolerances that were making him grumpy and tired all the time, and fixing that...there is really no way to explain it. It's like the best of Grant I ever got, is Grant all the time without corn O_o We thought it was sugar, like, forever, but I think retrospectively that's just because corn syrup=sugar so often. And that explains why going off "refined" sugars always made such an obvious, positive difference to him. I had to fess up a lot too, that I had tons of energy and passion that I just had to find my own way to channel and address because it isn't his job to regulate my moods all the time, and that shouldn't be threatening for him. I needed/wanted a social life outside of our family, and to do things for my own sense of identity (like school, and writing, and even silly things like tumblr). He had (sometimes has) this idea that if I'm having a bad day, he's failing or sucks, and it drives us both nuts. Suffice to say...Grant has always been a good friend to me, a great support system and provider and a kickass Dad for our kids. He's always been an ideal partner in times of crisis, which we've had aplenty. But the last 6-8 months of our relationship have without question been the best time we've ever had, personal relationship-wise. I was so desperately hopeless once we settled into no more babies, no more emergencies life and I felt completely unengaged and stifled as a woman...this is badass. We still stumble, both of us, in different ways, but overall I can't believe how this has all turned out vs where we were a year ago.

-to actually make birth control happen and stop courting fate
I sucked it up and got the copper IUD. Which was surprisingly empowering and also required jumping through an awful lot of hoops (multiple exams, around $700 all told for the device and insertion which I really had to go against Grant on, financially, an ultrasound a month in when my strings had dissapeared, a hellaciously painful first period). I really love it and feel very good about it at this point. I keep meaning to post an update - my bleeding is not changed at all from what it was, I haven't had increased pain since that first month, no spotting mid cycle. It's really like it's not there. I forget about it for weeks at a time.

-to step outside my own box and do things and live my freaking life
I don't know how to explain the level to which I spent 2008, 09 and 10 and sitting around in the house, talking about how one day I'd do something, hoping I wouldn't suddenly die everytime I got a little bloated. I mean. Damn. I guess I also spent a lot of time driving the van, taking kids to activities and hoping I wouldn't die. But I definitely didn't talk to people much anymore, and just. Ugh. Aaron and I going to NYC was sort of my first taste of "WTF have I been DOING? I didn't ACTUALLY DIE IN THE ICU, gah!!" Anyway, I think I did pretty well. I went out in the evening with Kristin alone, up into the city, multiple times. I had Jess here for a week and we went out and got my nose pierced. I took walks and lunch dates just Gloria and I, and met Dana for coffee. I talked to David and Memo on the phone and Heather online again, and texted the heck out of Sara and Robby at different points. I got closer to Cybele and Karen at PATH to where they're actual real friends and not just moms I talk to at meetings. I got past this weird irrational alcohol stigma I've had my entire life from my weird childhood and discovered drinking (at 29...I swear).

-to establish real social lives for my kids
Most definitely. Every one of them has real, good friends now that they see regularly, and A and A have the kind of fun and adventures up the road that make me kind of jealous remembering being their age. We got to TLC and PATH every week now, too, in addition to Elise being in preschool.

-go back to college
This is my most measurable success, I guess. Or obvious or whatever - I think the real biggest is Grant and I. But this is still big! I spent months and literally dozens of visits to advisement, financial aid, the bursar, and registration at two campuses, filled out tons of paperwork, gathered documents, filed appeals, and generally bent over backwards and got all my financial aid in place and schedule set up for summer. Still more logistics and bureaucracy for fall. But yeah between having something for me, being challenged with deadlines, having structure, talking to other students, it's been a really positive thing. We've also gotten refund money that's been helpful for us. And I'm off academic probation now, and about halfway done with my AA :)

-finish, edit and publish my short stories, and edit, get illustrations for and publish my children's book
This is about a half success. I did a lot of stuff I might not have without the goal in place. I finished the short stories (which feels very good to me...there are 20 of them, written over 3 years), solicited great editors who did a lot of helpful work for me, got an illustrator working on the kids' book who has done a bunch of good sketches and a couple of real drawings, and did TONS and tons of research on agents, self publishing, the changing industry, book length limitations, genres, etc. My artist flaked out in a "beyond my control" sort of way due to his life circumstances and that pushed his dates back by a whole lot, and I haven't actually finished making the changes on the short stories - this is what fell by the wayside once I was back in school. But I still feel like it moved forward in exciting ways and is all much closer to fruition now as a result. It's real, all but done and I know what to do next.

-lose weight
I had a plan for this. ETL one month, off the next. I thought I had it all worked out, like I'd be off October (Grant's, Jake's and my birthday, potential trip to New Orleans, Halloween candy) and December (Christmas season). I planned to "cheat" only for Thanksgiving day. And I was on ETL faithfully MOST of January, and lost 13 pounds. Then I started doing some horseshit like I do, like well ok I'll eat whatever I want this weekend and then go back on, but be on for SIX WEEKS rather than just a month, to make up for it. But then at the end of the weekend I'm like, well, maybe I should just do 3 weeks on (like I had already accomplished), 3 weeks off (which would be immediately advantageous). Except then when the 3 weeks off was over, I was like hey why don't I try Weight Watchers instead just as a trial and see if it works as good or better? There's an iPhone app! And it didn't. And I gave up. And I was so emotional about how many times I've failed at this and how I just keep gaining gradually year by year and how I'm gonna be either in emergency surgery for my hernia or a 400 pound diabetic with black feet like my Ma, that I was like, Ok. I can't even think about this anymore. It's seriously driving me insane. I'm going to cry and have a nervous breakdown if I think about losing weight anymore. So I didn't. I ate whatever the fuck I wanted for the rest of the year. I got pissed when I would note that, say, when I started sleeping at night again (part of Grant and I's relationship improvement plan) and not eating at night anymore for the first time in my LIFE, it made no difference. Or that when school and preschool started and I had to walk and ride my bike miles regularly, it made no difference. Au Contraire, I've gained back the 13 pound loss plus an extra 20. Or so. I just got on the scale this morning for the first time in 2 weeks and I'm up another 5. AWESOME. I talked to my gynecologist about testing my thyroid when I was getting the IUD since thyroid troubles run up the same side of my family the weight comes from, but since I was getting ready to be on Grant's new job's insurance plan we decided to wait so that it wouldn't be a pre-existing thing and we could potentially get it for free. I don't have other thyroid symptoms anymore, though. I'm just fatter all the damn time. And, I didn't talk about it here because it was too painful and awful, but I was in counseling a few months ago - a low cost study program thing the UM psych dept does, I wrote about that at first - video cameras and supervisors and things, remember? Well. After a couple of sessions the guy called me and told me I have a serious eating disorder that's beyond their ability to treat so he couldn't see me anymore. They gave me a name and number to some place I never called and I freaked out and just kind of dropped that whole experience down the well, so to speak. Filed it somewhere way back in the back of my mind to hopefully never think about again, basically. I just...fuck, you know? So clearly this is something I NEED to tackle, but I really don't even know where to begin. If I think about giving up just about anything I regularly eat or drink I just immediately feel like crying and like it isn't worth it because life wouldn't be worth living anymore if I couldn't drink coffee or couldn't stay up late snacking on bullshit with Grant on the weekends or couldn't have alcohol a couple of times a month or whatever the hell. I NEED a steak when I'm on my period, blah blah blah. *sigh* My sister is apparently really concerned about how much I've gained and talked to my mother about it and UGH. Ugh ugh ugh.


So, yeah. Lots of huge success, some partial success, and some mega fail. I'm trying to map out what I want to do with this coming year, now.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
-had a plastic surgery consult
-Went away for a vacation weekend with just Grant
-rode around with my daughter, just the two of us...with her in the front seat
-had writing (AND ART!!) accepted for publication
-spent the night in a chair by a hospital bed
-ate coconut curry and lime leaves
-baked shortbread cookies
-sewed a quilt
-was a mother with no children in diapers
-saw a cat hit by a car
-got my nose pierced

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any. I think I wanted to get over the worst of my PTSD, and I think I did. Tomorrow is my first day back on Eat to Live's 6 week plan, but that doesn't really count as a whole year resolution, obviously. I do have a HUNCH that 2010 is "my year" re: writing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister, just a couple of days ago now. And my cousin, several months back :) Little girls for both.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not exactly...but I took my mother to see her dead father, who's always been in and out of my life. We also lost Aaron's rabbit, Hoppy. And came to terms with the idea that my Dad's Dad has little time left :/ Two non-close friends lost their husbands to commuting car accidents.

5. What countries did you visit?
...the Conch republic?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More money. Membership in the Catholic Church. A book contract.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't really notice dates. But I will by reminded of death and birth dates by others probably forever.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing 26 pounds in 6 weeks was nice, as was all the entertaining we did (great birthday parties for both girls, potlucks, Paige and Dama's longer visits, Thanksgiving with my Dad, sister's blessingway, a fire recently...), and I'm very proud of a lot of the writing I've done in the past year...but I think #1 is getting myself back to a place where I can help other people. I've been able to babysit friends' kids, send cards in the mail, take people dinners, bake extra for guests and be there for Laura as she had a baby. Take in my brother. It feels REALLY GOOD after how incredibly needy, dependent and USED UP I was for a couple of YEARS there.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The laundry? Getting us on a better schedule? I don't really care about those things, honestly. Probably it has something to do with this overwhelming and bitter feeling I get that I'm failing at everything sometimes, even though I know that really I'm not. So...failing to stay close to God even when I see the incredible help and strength when I do.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm...craft supplies? Or maybe A and A's loft beds, which were such a good Craigslist find.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My Nana's Pa has really been THE MODEL of what a husband is supposed to be, as my Nana goes through life post-stroke. From continuing to send out the cards and gifts to grand and great-grandkids like she used to, to spoon feeding her with jokes and smiles and handling all the insurance bills and...it's amazing, it really is. He kisses her goodbye and changes her diapers.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My brother's, at times. My Dad's girlfriend's at one point I don't want to talk about while they were here. My in-laws in disallowing Robby to withdraw and sign up for Virtual School.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Probably groceries.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
DAMA COMING FOR A VISIT WITH THE GIRLS, IN OCTOBER!! Elise's 2nd bithday party in May. Being back in action for fair rides and fun, especially re: Santa's Enchanted Forest.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Probably Lily Allen's whole second album and a few Dresden Dolls songs. And "Heavy Cross" by The Gossip. NO WAIT! It's Feist's "I Feel It All".

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Thinner. Restless.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
SLEEP.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Looking at stupid websites that mock people and situations.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I already wrote about this.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I feel like I just keep falling further and further everyday. I'm in deep.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I think I hate less people.

24. What was the best book you read?
The Silent Mountain; The Glass Castle. Both nonfiction.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Shannon Wright? Thrice? New Pandora stations that come out awesome and imeem as it was before this MySpace takeover were probably the greatest discoveries.

26. What did you want and get?
To stop having nightmares all the fucking time. An extended social network and deepened ties with some friends.

27. What did you want and not get?
For my belly to not be like this. Sex about a hundred times more often. RCIA classes.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm. I was happily surprised by how good Up was. But I think Grant and I had the most fun watching I Love You, Man. WAIT! I might say Julie and Julia. I saw that with Kristin, Jackie, Michelle F, and some others at an advance screening and it was really fun.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
28 - Grant and I went to Benihana by ourselves, got the Writer's Market book from B&N, and I ordered something I can't remember right now.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting enough sleep at night or actually having enough money the last half of the year.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
I discovered that if I wear decent, modern maternity jeans I can wear jeans, and with the right shirts, nobody is the wiser. So dark jeans and hip length shirts of various styles. I've moved back to Converse (burgundy lowtops) and crazy socks (mismatched argyle today) and discovered I really like myself in dangly earrings.

32. What kept you sane?
St Jude, Grant's parenting help, and Starbucks (as a place to write and a brewery of happy potion)

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmm....I kind of got a little case of Team Jacob. But mostly that kid is, well, a kid. With too much neck. Stuck in some really bad movies. I reaffirmed my undying love and near crush for Helena Bonham Carter several times over and was kind of surprised at how hot Jake Gyllenhall was in Brothers the other day. I'm not really too into fancying celebrities overall.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay rights.

35. Who did you miss?
Oh geez. Kathy. My Dad's side of the family when I wasn't there. My mom, all too often. Nana and Pa like crazy in the weeks leading up to Christmas Eve. Grant, because there were two toddlers between us in the bed.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Michelle. The PATH one.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
The Prayer of St Francis. I could keep learning from that my whole life, but I spent a really long time this year just trying to figure out exactly how I can ever even pray it sincerely, like truly want to ask for what it asks for - let alone get there in my actions...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
With You and I, it's everything all of the time.... (Radiohead)