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Oct. 30th, 2008 12:32 amI am so sick of being a raging hypochondriac.
The whole "that baby and pregnancy that seemed to be fine were actually self-destructing, and those 'big kicks' were SEIZURES as she had a STROKE!" thing, and then there was something about the, "If you'd waited two more days to come in, you'd be dead" deal...they did something to my thought process, to put it VERY. LIGHTLY.
Basically Elise has had a cold and I have an ear infection, and so it makes perfect sense that I had a fever this evening. With the fever, I had the chills in my bones feeling I had constantly while septic, which triggered a snowballing reaction wherein I remembered a comment I got once where someone said they knew someone who had an ear infection turn septic. I thought of my ear infection being a decoy so that I miss sepsis from a bowel obstruction. I imagined that my stiff neck meant the ear infection had broken through the barriers to my brain and I now have meningitis, and I am going to die because I'm washing the dishes insteading of rushing to the ER.
I have a larger consciouness that refutes all this hoohaw and just asks Grant to bring some garlic home to stick in my ear, just as my more rational self thinks "ok great, benign ovarian cysts, no problem, heart monitor just in case but EKG looks good" *thumbs up*
...but now I also have the rampant voice of panic racing around the back of my mind shouting "CANCER THEY'RE MISSING!!! OPEN HEART SURGERY!! They BREAK YOUR RIBS FOR THAT!! Oh, and by the way, in case you forgot, you have another major abdominal surgery looming on the horizon - the last time you had one of those, you woke up in the ICU! The time before, they left a sponge in you! As soon as you schedule the date, I'll start the countdown to your imminent death!"
Let's just say it's kind of sucky.
I am glad I have enough dry humor and rational thought to laugh at myself, but those traits also makes me SO TIRED OF MY OWN BULLSHIT. We were on vacation and I was like, oh rollercoasters, I used to ride those but now my identity is gone and I'm just some headcase with too many medical problems, how can Grant even love me when I'm not the person I once was, and I would think I'll just ride them when all this is over and done and I'm healed from my muscle repair with a clean bill of heart health, but that is just a pipe dream and I'll be ashes long before that ever happens!!! *sob*
I interrupt my crying, out loud, to say, "Ugh, why can't I just shut the fuck UP?!"
The whole "that baby and pregnancy that seemed to be fine were actually self-destructing, and those 'big kicks' were SEIZURES as she had a STROKE!" thing, and then there was something about the, "If you'd waited two more days to come in, you'd be dead" deal...they did something to my thought process, to put it VERY. LIGHTLY.
Basically Elise has had a cold and I have an ear infection, and so it makes perfect sense that I had a fever this evening. With the fever, I had the chills in my bones feeling I had constantly while septic, which triggered a snowballing reaction wherein I remembered a comment I got once where someone said they knew someone who had an ear infection turn septic. I thought of my ear infection being a decoy so that I miss sepsis from a bowel obstruction. I imagined that my stiff neck meant the ear infection had broken through the barriers to my brain and I now have meningitis, and I am going to die because I'm washing the dishes insteading of rushing to the ER.
I have a larger consciouness that refutes all this hoohaw and just asks Grant to bring some garlic home to stick in my ear, just as my more rational self thinks "ok great, benign ovarian cysts, no problem, heart monitor just in case but EKG looks good" *thumbs up*
...but now I also have the rampant voice of panic racing around the back of my mind shouting "CANCER THEY'RE MISSING!!! OPEN HEART SURGERY!! They BREAK YOUR RIBS FOR THAT!! Oh, and by the way, in case you forgot, you have another major abdominal surgery looming on the horizon - the last time you had one of those, you woke up in the ICU! The time before, they left a sponge in you! As soon as you schedule the date, I'll start the countdown to your imminent death!"
Let's just say it's kind of sucky.
I am glad I have enough dry humor and rational thought to laugh at myself, but those traits also makes me SO TIRED OF MY OWN BULLSHIT. We were on vacation and I was like, oh rollercoasters, I used to ride those but now my identity is gone and I'm just some headcase with too many medical problems, how can Grant even love me when I'm not the person I once was, and I would think I'll just ride them when all this is over and done and I'm healed from my muscle repair with a clean bill of heart health, but that is just a pipe dream and I'll be ashes long before that ever happens!!! *sob*
I interrupt my crying, out loud, to say, "Ugh, why can't I just shut the fuck UP?!"
