Oral Fixation
Sep. 20th, 2012 03:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI've been thinking about this concept a lot lately.
I've been a compulsive and binge eater all my life - I was staying up til everyone else was asleep to sneak things from the kitchen and feeling self conscious about how I didn't want to move from wherever the food was at school functions and family parties from very early childhood. And I've kinda deconstructed that, and thought about how at home, where I often felt unsafe and didn't really have emotionally available adults, the food was rationed and crappy and sparse, whereas at my grandparents' houses - where we were doted on and showered in love - they totally showed their love through food. Shopping for us, cooking, taking us out to eat, rituals around barbecuing on Saturdays and special foods for Christmas Eve, etc.
But recently I've been thinking about actually being orally fixated and Freud's psychosexual stages and all that poppycock. I was not breastfed, cried it out alone from basically day 1 to sleep, and had a pretty weird, spaced out, unavailable mom who went on to be really weird and ultimately abandon me altogether, as I got older, but I don't really think it's as simple as point a leading to point b. I don't really know what to make of any of it.
I'm just thinking of how I would grind my teeth so badly in my sleep that my parents could hear it in the other room, and how I bit my nails enough to make my fingers bleed pretty often. And I obsessively licked my father, to where he started slicking his arms with salt before sitting down to watch tv to try to break me of it/protect himself. I actually consciously remember my first mouthful of gross salt arm :p And I bit my Nana hard enough to make her bleed twice - she actually has a scar where I supposedly would not let go of her breast and she had to smack me off of it (through clothes).
I think it's really over the top, as all this Freudian shit goes, to actually consider me latching my teeth into the nearest breast that way as a 3 year old, btw, but I also think it's interesting that I did these things to my Dad and my Nana - the people who most reliably and consistently showed me love and nurture. I don't think I ever would have dreamed of doing things like that to my mother, because it wouldn't have been safe.
Anyone who has read me long enough or skipped over to my tumblr has probably had the dubious fortune to hear me rhapsodize at some point about how much I love giving oral sex, can almost orgasm from it, it's one of my most recurring fantasies, etc. I've also discovered in recent years that fingers in my mouth have almost the same effect, and that I will nearly cry from the rejection if Grant doesn't want me biting the shit out of him when he least expects it (though I am completely aware that's inappropriate on my part).
Anyway. All this is in the forefront of my mind for two reasons. 1.) I've started chewing gum in the past year and it's totally out of control, like I'm going through half a pack of gum in the 5 hour block I'm at school twice a week alone, can't drive without gum in my mouth, etc. And, 2.) One of my classes is abnormal psych and one of the things we're studying is cognitive-behavioral psych and restructuring techniques - meaning, rather than trying to go back and discover every long buried and subconscious association that contributes to our tendencies, why don't we just focus on what makes us do these things right now in our daily lives, and how we can alter that behavior in the present. Kinda refreshing, eh? :P
I'm also vaguely curious about whether or not I could sub out gum or a tongue piercing (shudder) to play with 24/7 or something like that for EATING ALL THE DAMN TIME and actually effectively lose weight. If only Grant could quit his job, and I could just chew on him and kiss, all day...fairly certain that could work. As it is with him on his fourth business trip in a month, as I attempt to alter my diet in a positive way, my jaw is actually hurting from being clenched all the time. I'm constantly having to make a conscious effort to relax my face. Which is fucking weird.
I've been a compulsive and binge eater all my life - I was staying up til everyone else was asleep to sneak things from the kitchen and feeling self conscious about how I didn't want to move from wherever the food was at school functions and family parties from very early childhood. And I've kinda deconstructed that, and thought about how at home, where I often felt unsafe and didn't really have emotionally available adults, the food was rationed and crappy and sparse, whereas at my grandparents' houses - where we were doted on and showered in love - they totally showed their love through food. Shopping for us, cooking, taking us out to eat, rituals around barbecuing on Saturdays and special foods for Christmas Eve, etc.
But recently I've been thinking about actually being orally fixated and Freud's psychosexual stages and all that poppycock. I was not breastfed, cried it out alone from basically day 1 to sleep, and had a pretty weird, spaced out, unavailable mom who went on to be really weird and ultimately abandon me altogether, as I got older, but I don't really think it's as simple as point a leading to point b. I don't really know what to make of any of it.
I'm just thinking of how I would grind my teeth so badly in my sleep that my parents could hear it in the other room, and how I bit my nails enough to make my fingers bleed pretty often. And I obsessively licked my father, to where he started slicking his arms with salt before sitting down to watch tv to try to break me of it/protect himself. I actually consciously remember my first mouthful of gross salt arm :p And I bit my Nana hard enough to make her bleed twice - she actually has a scar where I supposedly would not let go of her breast and she had to smack me off of it (through clothes).
I think it's really over the top, as all this Freudian shit goes, to actually consider me latching my teeth into the nearest breast that way as a 3 year old, btw, but I also think it's interesting that I did these things to my Dad and my Nana - the people who most reliably and consistently showed me love and nurture. I don't think I ever would have dreamed of doing things like that to my mother, because it wouldn't have been safe.
Anyone who has read me long enough or skipped over to my tumblr has probably had the dubious fortune to hear me rhapsodize at some point about how much I love giving oral sex, can almost orgasm from it, it's one of my most recurring fantasies, etc. I've also discovered in recent years that fingers in my mouth have almost the same effect, and that I will nearly cry from the rejection if Grant doesn't want me biting the shit out of him when he least expects it (though I am completely aware that's inappropriate on my part).
Anyway. All this is in the forefront of my mind for two reasons. 1.) I've started chewing gum in the past year and it's totally out of control, like I'm going through half a pack of gum in the 5 hour block I'm at school twice a week alone, can't drive without gum in my mouth, etc. And, 2.) One of my classes is abnormal psych and one of the things we're studying is cognitive-behavioral psych and restructuring techniques - meaning, rather than trying to go back and discover every long buried and subconscious association that contributes to our tendencies, why don't we just focus on what makes us do these things right now in our daily lives, and how we can alter that behavior in the present. Kinda refreshing, eh? :P
I'm also vaguely curious about whether or not I could sub out gum or a tongue piercing (shudder) to play with 24/7 or something like that for EATING ALL THE DAMN TIME and actually effectively lose weight. If only Grant could quit his job, and I could just chew on him and kiss, all day...fairly certain that could work. As it is with him on his fourth business trip in a month, as I attempt to alter my diet in a positive way, my jaw is actually hurting from being clenched all the time. I'm constantly having to make a conscious effort to relax my face. Which is fucking weird.
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no subject
Date: 2012-09-20 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-20 07:31 pm (UTC)I'm sorry your mom is such a terrible person. Every time you write about her I feel worse for you.
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Date: 2012-09-21 04:20 pm (UTC)Also, the only thing that works for me for losing weight is to write down everything that I eat. That's why Weight Watchers works for me. When I'm on track with that I'm less tempted to eat junk because I don't want to have to write it down.