Has Been, and Suddenly
Nov. 14th, 2007 04:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI've been having all kinds of "I almost died" thoughts and feelings constantly. Like, I have major longevity in my genes, and Grant does not, and I don't want to spend 40 years alone after he dies at 60. That could really happen. And, I don't want to be alone in a hospital for months or years at the end of my life. Being alone in the hospital was horrible. It's so terrible that people actually spend months and years of their lives in hospitals alone. And then I have my across the street neighbor, Aracelia, back in the hospital - she's been gone for over a week, after another ambulance showed up...
I found out that when my brother in law, the ER tech, came and visited me in the ICU (Which I was never aware of at all), he thought I was going to die when he saw my heart rate and blood pressure stats. Like, really really thought I was dying, like damn how are Laura and I going to help Grant raise 5 kids?
And I've realized Ananda is *really* shaken by all of this. She was still living in fear of me going back to the hospital after me being in for 6 days in May, in Boston. During the month I was in pain, before I went to the ER, we were just starting to talk about how much she was still keeping in about that. Then I went back... People have talked way too freely around her and she understands that I nearly died. I remember being a little girl and having nightmares and crying in my bed, about my mom dying. But even NOW, at 26, I can't imagine my mom actually dying - it's just a horrible notion I don't ever want to deal with. I can't imagine how it would have shaken my foundation to have her dissapear and know she was in grave danger, and go visit her semi-conscious with tubes going into her nose and arms and belly, when I was 7. Things are still very decidedly Not Normal around here, since I can't lift the baby (and have a gauze dressing on my belly that she's accidentally walked in on being changed, my daughter who faints at the sight of blood and RUNS if she sees my staple marks and the hole they opened that's still draining...) and Grant can't work and I move around slow and everyone talks all the time about how close I came. I'm trying. I made carrot cupcakes with her this afternoon, after she started crying about not wanting to leave to go to ballet. She was trying to explain it in the bedroom, saying, "I know I wouldn't starve or be alone or something, if you were gone, I know people would take care of us, but..." and then her face got all screwy because somehow Annie is already old enough to struggle not to cry and feel silly for how she feels. "But I wouldn't have you and I want my mom" is the end of it, that came out many tears and hugs later. We're reading before bed again. I took her to the store, just the two of us, yesterday, and we had hot chocolate on the sidewalk since it's getting cooler. We snuggled alone in my bed tonight. I wonder if I should have her in therapy, or just keep her talking.
And then tonight we took my gauze off and my incision is surrounded by red again. Which means infection. And the skin there is hot. I finished my (two different, VERY strong) antibiotics a few days ago. Is it something new? Is what I had coming back stronger? Is it inside too, like before? I'm going to see Dr. T first thing in the morning, which it already is,a nd I haven't slept because Elise and Jake keep us up all night since their schedules and routines were shot to hell, and because I am a bundle of kinks and tension and pinched nerves, from trying to sleep side lying with a baby latched on while I'm healing, with my messed up hip. It's easier to doze off on the couch than to lay down in the bed and sleep.
Elise is doing SO WELL. She was very clingy while I was gone and when I first got back, but now she's starting to be fine with spending plenty of time on the floor playing again, and taking naps by herself for significant portions of time...and she smiles and laughs like crazy. We started experimenting with solids last week - first peas, now brown rice. She is all about it. We have hilarious pictures I don't have the will to post right now.
I'm so scared.
Maybe I'll go and he'll write me a prescription for more antibiotics, and that will be it. But maybe I'll go and he'll order IV antibiotics, which means readmitting me. And/or maybe he'll go back to talking about re-opening my incision site to drain everything (!).
I don't want to go back. I don't want Ananda to wake up and hear someone else's explanation of where I am. I don't want Laura trying to get Elise to nurse or Grant struggling to get her to take a bottle of milk. I've exhausted all my stress points, all my help points, all our finanances. I just want a break.
I GLORY in our meals around the table, stop to be thankful and close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face every time I step outside, laugh at kids and get a million kisses from Jake every day...but it's all with this undercurrent, this new fear in the back of my mind. The only peace I can have is to make a promise to myself to take each moment as it comes. To be glad I have Right Now.
My sister got ran off the road on the way to my house today and her car spun out of control, twice, in the median of US1. She got here and cried. The guy just floored it and roared out of there. This is what I'm talking about. How in the hell am I supposed to ever relax again? And aren't I supposed to want death, as a Christian? Because I'm falling short big time. I want Thanksgiving, I've invited my dad and made a menu with A and A and planned decorations they'll make. But death?
I wish sometimes that I could just have some hypothetical way of getting a statement that my immediate family and I'll live at least 20 more years, just so I could breathe the biggest sigh of relief and go back to actually living.
I found out that when my brother in law, the ER tech, came and visited me in the ICU (Which I was never aware of at all), he thought I was going to die when he saw my heart rate and blood pressure stats. Like, really really thought I was dying, like damn how are Laura and I going to help Grant raise 5 kids?
And I've realized Ananda is *really* shaken by all of this. She was still living in fear of me going back to the hospital after me being in for 6 days in May, in Boston. During the month I was in pain, before I went to the ER, we were just starting to talk about how much she was still keeping in about that. Then I went back... People have talked way too freely around her and she understands that I nearly died. I remember being a little girl and having nightmares and crying in my bed, about my mom dying. But even NOW, at 26, I can't imagine my mom actually dying - it's just a horrible notion I don't ever want to deal with. I can't imagine how it would have shaken my foundation to have her dissapear and know she was in grave danger, and go visit her semi-conscious with tubes going into her nose and arms and belly, when I was 7. Things are still very decidedly Not Normal around here, since I can't lift the baby (and have a gauze dressing on my belly that she's accidentally walked in on being changed, my daughter who faints at the sight of blood and RUNS if she sees my staple marks and the hole they opened that's still draining...) and Grant can't work and I move around slow and everyone talks all the time about how close I came. I'm trying. I made carrot cupcakes with her this afternoon, after she started crying about not wanting to leave to go to ballet. She was trying to explain it in the bedroom, saying, "I know I wouldn't starve or be alone or something, if you were gone, I know people would take care of us, but..." and then her face got all screwy because somehow Annie is already old enough to struggle not to cry and feel silly for how she feels. "But I wouldn't have you and I want my mom" is the end of it, that came out many tears and hugs later. We're reading before bed again. I took her to the store, just the two of us, yesterday, and we had hot chocolate on the sidewalk since it's getting cooler. We snuggled alone in my bed tonight. I wonder if I should have her in therapy, or just keep her talking.
And then tonight we took my gauze off and my incision is surrounded by red again. Which means infection. And the skin there is hot. I finished my (two different, VERY strong) antibiotics a few days ago. Is it something new? Is what I had coming back stronger? Is it inside too, like before? I'm going to see Dr. T first thing in the morning, which it already is,a nd I haven't slept because Elise and Jake keep us up all night since their schedules and routines were shot to hell, and because I am a bundle of kinks and tension and pinched nerves, from trying to sleep side lying with a baby latched on while I'm healing, with my messed up hip. It's easier to doze off on the couch than to lay down in the bed and sleep.
Elise is doing SO WELL. She was very clingy while I was gone and when I first got back, but now she's starting to be fine with spending plenty of time on the floor playing again, and taking naps by herself for significant portions of time...and she smiles and laughs like crazy. We started experimenting with solids last week - first peas, now brown rice. She is all about it. We have hilarious pictures I don't have the will to post right now.
I'm so scared.
Maybe I'll go and he'll write me a prescription for more antibiotics, and that will be it. But maybe I'll go and he'll order IV antibiotics, which means readmitting me. And/or maybe he'll go back to talking about re-opening my incision site to drain everything (!).
I don't want to go back. I don't want Ananda to wake up and hear someone else's explanation of where I am. I don't want Laura trying to get Elise to nurse or Grant struggling to get her to take a bottle of milk. I've exhausted all my stress points, all my help points, all our finanances. I just want a break.
I GLORY in our meals around the table, stop to be thankful and close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face every time I step outside, laugh at kids and get a million kisses from Jake every day...but it's all with this undercurrent, this new fear in the back of my mind. The only peace I can have is to make a promise to myself to take each moment as it comes. To be glad I have Right Now.
My sister got ran off the road on the way to my house today and her car spun out of control, twice, in the median of US1. She got here and cried. The guy just floored it and roared out of there. This is what I'm talking about. How in the hell am I supposed to ever relax again? And aren't I supposed to want death, as a Christian? Because I'm falling short big time. I want Thanksgiving, I've invited my dad and made a menu with A and A and planned decorations they'll make. But death?
I wish sometimes that I could just have some hypothetical way of getting a statement that my immediate family and I'll live at least 20 more years, just so I could breathe the biggest sigh of relief and go back to actually living.
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-14 02:23 pm (UTC)I'm praying for peace for you and for Ananda and for everyone in your family. And for healing.