Has Been, and Suddenly

[altarflame]

I've been having all kinds of "I almost died" thoughts and feelings constantly. Like, I have major longevity in my genes, and Grant does not, and I don't want to spend 40 years alone after he dies at 60. That could really happen. And, I don't want to be alone in a hospital for months or years at the end of my life. Being alone in the hospital was horrible. It's so terrible that people actually spend months and years of their lives in hospitals alone. And then I have my across the street neighbor, Aracelia, back in the hospital - she's been gone for over a week, after another ambulance showed up...

I found out that when my brother in law, the ER tech, came and visited me in the ICU (Which I was never aware of at all), he thought I was going to die when he saw my heart rate and blood pressure stats. Like, really really thought I was dying, like damn how are Laura and I going to help Grant raise 5 kids?

And I've realized Ananda is *really* shaken by all of this. She was still living in fear of me going back to the hospital after me being in for 6 days in May, in Boston. During the month I was in pain, before I went to the ER, we were just starting to talk about how much she was still keeping in about that. Then I went back... People have talked way too freely around her and she understands that I nearly died. I remember being a little girl and having nightmares and crying in my bed, about my mom dying. But even NOW, at 26, I can't imagine my mom actually dying - it's just a horrible notion I don't ever want to deal with. I can't imagine how it would have shaken my foundation to have her dissapear and know she was in grave danger, and go visit her semi-conscious with tubes going into her nose and arms and belly, when I was 7. Things are still very decidedly Not Normal around here, since I can't lift the baby (and have a gauze dressing on my belly that she's accidentally walked in on being changed, my daughter who faints at the sight of blood and RUNS if she sees my staple marks and the hole they opened that's still draining...) and Grant can't work and I move around slow and everyone talks all the time about how close I came. I'm trying. I made carrot cupcakes with her this afternoon, after she started crying about not wanting to leave to go to ballet. She was trying to explain it in the bedroom, saying, "I know I wouldn't starve or be alone or something, if you were gone, I know people would take care of us, but..." and then her face got all screwy because somehow Annie is already old enough to struggle not to cry and feel silly for how she feels. "But I wouldn't have you and I want my mom" is the end of it, that came out many tears and hugs later. We're reading before bed again. I took her to the store, just the two of us, yesterday, and we had hot chocolate on the sidewalk since it's getting cooler. We snuggled alone in my bed tonight. I wonder if I should have her in therapy, or just keep her talking.


And then tonight we took my gauze off and my incision is surrounded by red again. Which means infection. And the skin there is hot. I finished my (two different, VERY strong) antibiotics a few days ago. Is it something new? Is what I had coming back stronger? Is it inside too, like before? I'm going to see Dr. T first thing in the morning, which it already is,a nd I haven't slept because Elise and Jake keep us up all night since their schedules and routines were shot to hell, and because I am a bundle of kinks and tension and pinched nerves, from trying to sleep side lying with a baby latched on while I'm healing, with my messed up hip. It's easier to doze off on the couch than to lay down in the bed and sleep.

Elise is doing SO WELL. She was very clingy while I was gone and when I first got back, but now she's starting to be fine with spending plenty of time on the floor playing again, and taking naps by herself for significant portions of time...and she smiles and laughs like crazy. We started experimenting with solids last week - first peas, now brown rice. She is all about it. We have hilarious pictures I don't have the will to post right now.

I'm so scared.

Maybe I'll go and he'll write me a prescription for more antibiotics, and that will be it. But maybe I'll go and he'll order IV antibiotics, which means readmitting me. And/or maybe he'll go back to talking about re-opening my incision site to drain everything (!).

I don't want to go back. I don't want Ananda to wake up and hear someone else's explanation of where I am. I don't want Laura trying to get Elise to nurse or Grant struggling to get her to take a bottle of milk. I've exhausted all my stress points, all my help points, all our finanances. I just want a break.

I GLORY in our meals around the table, stop to be thankful and close my eyes and feel the breeze on my face every time I step outside, laugh at kids and get a million kisses from Jake every day...but it's all with this undercurrent, this new fear in the back of my mind. The only peace I can have is to make a promise to myself to take each moment as it comes. To be glad I have Right Now.

My sister got ran off the road on the way to my house today and her car spun out of control, twice, in the median of US1. She got here and cried. The guy just floored it and roared out of there. This is what I'm talking about. How in the hell am I supposed to ever relax again? And aren't I supposed to want death, as a Christian? Because I'm falling short big time. I want Thanksgiving, I've invited my dad and made a menu with A and A and planned decorations they'll make. But death?

I wish sometimes that I could just have some hypothetical way of getting a statement that my immediate family and I'll live at least 20 more years, just so I could breathe the biggest sigh of relief and go back to actually living.

Comments

[freedom123.livejournal.com]

Gosh Tina. I will be thinking of you today.

[kathlnc.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. You have just been scared nearly to death by nearly dying. Of course you are stressed and afraid and vulnerable. That is perfectly normal.
You really need to start right now planning to talk to an attorney about your medical experience. At the very least, you can expect to be reimbursed for your medical expenses and loss of wages, as well as something for pain and suffering. This is not tempting fate (I know how you think). This is a business deal....the C-section docs agreed to treat you and they treated you improperly (leaving stuff inside is just wrong), and they owe you. You aren't being vindictive, you are just standing up for yourself and your family.
I'm sending you good wishes and strength. I have read your journal for a long time, and almost feel like I know you. (I have a daughter your age, so I've adopted you also.)
Kathy

[talonslady.livejournal.com]

1st - I hope you are going to call me as soon as you see the doctor, you know I will be waiting. 2nd - Don't freak out yet, wait and see if there is a need to freak out, you are just adding stress to your day and to your life (and yes I know that it is easier said then done, but you can try) 3rd - I don't think Annie needs counseling, she just needs you to talk to her, spend some time with her, and explain things in that open and loving way you have. She just needs to get her feelings out and talk about them not hold them inside. 4th - Remember your faith!! I don't think you have to or should want to die because you are Christian, of course we know there will come a day when we will (hopefully) sit with the Lord and while that will be an awesome thing in itself, that doesn't mean that we don't want to have time here, to be with the those we love and see all the beauty around us. Remember the young girl who sat at camp and "saw yourself carrying me", remember how many times we have said "the Lord watches out for you", I don't think it is your time yet. I don't think you are finished here, I think there is still something you have to do. Look into yourself, think about it, talk to God, and see if you don't think the same thing. Wasn't it you who told me "you have to give all of your troubles and worries to the Lord to handle for you?" I sometimes wonder why it is that all the years you tried to "save" me, you had sooooo much faith, but now that I have that faith, I feel that yours is slipping? Try not to worry so much and just be grateful for all the gifts in your life; five beautiful kids, all with their own "specialness" about them, your husband - who would do anything for you and loves you so much, Shawn, who has been such a good friend to you all for so long, a wonderful sister and brother - who love you so much and try to help as much as they can, a mother that has made many mistakes, but loves you so much and hopes to make up for all the wrongs, a home to live in with a yard for the kids, your in-laws and grandparents, your father and his stories that he loves to tell you, that you can stay home with your kids and not have to work, the miracle of Elise, the cool breeze when you step outside or the beautiful blue sky and so many other things. Don't waste your time thinking about death spend it on living.

5th - Why didn't anyone call me and tell me about Laura? Are her and Brian ok? Did she happen to get a tag number? It probably happened to fast to really notice anything? Tell her I love her and to be careful as I know she does anyway.

I think that is all I have to say, I love you very much and I KNOW it is not your time. Get ready for Thanksgiving, go to Santa's, have a wonderful day!

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the right words. I've searched everywhere for just the right prayer. I think this is just the place where our souls cry out to God for mercy and peace.

I'm praying for peace for you and for Ananda and for everyone in your family. And for healing.

[greatestislove.livejournal.com]

As a Christian I don't think you are suppose to "want" death. First of all you don't want to deprive your friends and family of the person they love and need. Secondly, even Jesus cried over death. He knew that Lazarus was coming back and yet he still cried. Death is not suppose to be happy, in my opinion. Sometimes it is a relief after a long bout of suffering but even then the sense of relief is in that they are done suffering, not so much that they are not living anymore.

That sucks really bad about your scar...I will continue to pray.

And that also sucks about your sister....what an asshole and how scary!

As far as going back to "actual living" maybe what you are doing is closer to "actual living" than what the rest of us more relaxed people do everyday. Like you mentioned before it is a 1st world luxury to not live everyday with the threat of death for yourself or someone you love.

finally *****HUG********

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm not Christian, so I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't feel as such, but I think that it's a perfectly human reaction. You're a good mom -- I'm willing to bet money that if you were a single person with nothing to tie you down here, you'd be a LOT less frightened of things stopping here... kwim?

[superflippy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'll be praying for you & your family too. So sorry you've got extra, unneeded stress right now.

Here's hoping you get a chance to relax and get better. I had a yicky infection after my son's birth that I also ignored until my husband made me go see the doctor. It took a long time to get back to 100%. You'll be OK, healing just feels like it takes forever.

If you could use the Power of teh Internets to give you one thing, anything, that would make things a little bit better, what would it be?

[monkeyscience.livejournal.com]

Oh, Tina! ::Hugs::

Poor Annie - I remember waking up sobbing at age 13 because I had dreamed my mother died - and I hated my mother at that point in my life.

Many prayers for you all.

And aren't I supposed to want death, as a Christian?

No, I don't think so. You're supposed to know that death is by no means the end, and that, if you are prepared, you have nothing to fear from it. You're supposed to know that the death of the faithful isn't a tragedy. But still being alive isn't a tragedy, either! It's perfectly fine to want to live for as long as possible - with the qualifier that God's will be done.

So if you're afraid of death, does that make you a bad Christian? Well, no, I'd say that puts you about at average with the rest of us, who are still trying to assert faith over fear. For whatever it's worth, I admire your efforts.

[pikefish.livejournal.com]

wow....just wow.

get healthy

talk with Ananda a lot