(no subject)

[altarflame]

First of all, I am madly in love with Jake. I don't know how to convey how incredibly affectionate he is...long squeezing hugs galore. I pick him up and he wraps his arms and legs around me and lays his head on my shoulder and squeezes, and if I'm standing or walking he'll stay that way indefinitely. I drink it in. There's also no real way to describe how EXPRESSIVE he is...his huge grins of surprised joy, his squeaky squeals of playfulness, his coy smiles of about-to-give-chase, and all those furrowed brow scowls. He says ma, da, uh-oh, hi, bye, pee, Annie, yeah, apple, cracker, Opa and there, and signs milk and water regularly, but he also shakes his head or nods, points and understands pointing, waves, groans at things he doesn't like, and if I say his name while he's nursing, he looks up at me and makes this very distinct "Hmm?" sound that just slays me. He crawls into bed between Grant and I, lays there and drifts off to sleep. I'm not kidding. We don't have to do anything, he doesn't have to nurse, he just lays down with us and goes to sleep. If I'm out here and Grant is in there already sleeping, he'll get sleepy and just go in there and lay down and drift off. He folds his hands together to pray when we sit down to eat, and yells at us, looking down at his hands, until we get the picture to do it. Then he invariably tears up whatever I've set in front of him with great gusto and no complaints. Tonight we had tacos and he's happy to chow down on ripped up spinach leaves, ground turkey with seasonings, raw tomato chunks, avocado chunks and shredded cheddar cheese. He's getting good with a spoon.

We tell him sometimes that he really needn't be so insanely cute, because we really wouldn't kill HIM even if he wasn't ;) The survival tactic of toddler cuteness is just unnecessary....though it does help when he's in the garbage, on the table or unfolding a pile of laundry for the 5th time O_o


Secondly, I'm 34 1/2 weeks pregnant. This baby is big and moving constantly - she's been acting like she's on some sort of upside down treadmill in there all day. My belly is huge and taut and I've been spending a lot of time running my hands over it in awe, today. It feels so very palpably full of baby all of a sudden, as if she had a growth spurt overnight. Though I still feel like it's Feb 28, my LJ date thingy says March 1, which makes me think...damn. I'm DUE NEXT MONTH. I'm due next month! The beginning of the month, even (well the 8th). And believe it or not, we think we have a place lined up in Boston. A 2 bedroom apartment, furnished, utilities included, laundry in the basement of the building - the landlord is FINE with us being there for one month and giving birth in the place while we're at it! How can this be? She sent us pictures tonight, it seems very clean and has hardwood floors throughout. It's practically across the street from a big nature reservation, as well, from what we can see on google maps, so how sweet is that?! The illustrious julierocket is going to check it out and meet the landlord for us on Monday, because she rocks that way. We've spent the past few days in a total flurry of trying to (gulp..wethinkwecan wethinkwecan wethinkwecan) budget for this; trying to make a (HUMONGOUS, VERY INTIMIDATING) list of things to pack; coming up with a travel plan with mapquest, friends and relatives' houses and hotels involved; and realizing we have so much to do before we can leave. Like clean this place spotless, get an oil change, line up a temporary PATH leader, inform a dozen customers of Grant's that we'll be out of town, get a hitch installed on the van so we can rent a U-Haul tow-behind...and so on. It's starting to (dareIsay) seem really really real. Not like some pipe dream. And I'm excited. About the adventure of going to another state and having Grant with us and a little utopia for a month, about GIVING BIRTH in a safe environment with a trusted attendant who believes in me, about meeting Elise (!), about all of it. I admit I'm also starting to think how it will be mighty fine to NOT BE PREGNANT ANYMORE. Alright...I've been thinking it hourly at times. It's just getting very hard to sleep comfortably, or bend over 5 million times to pick up kid clutter throughout the day. Today it seems ok, though, largely due to my fascination with how time is flying and a really cool dress I still feel guilty for splurging on at Target (I was living in one pair of gouchos and 3 shirts that barely covered my belly...it was $20 and is just one thing, but $20 is kind of a big deal right now as we struggle to scrape together about SIX GRAND for next month :x ...)



When Jake was in NICU, we spent A LOT of time on the highway, as he was an hour + away. Much of it was in stop and go traffic near the huge, sprawling Miami International Airport runways, and often with a gaping hole inside of me and a weight on my chest, as I left him further and further behind. Every day was this rollercoaster of "Will he get out on this day? Or that day? Or the day after?" and the date kept getting pushed back and back. I was leaking everywhere, flowing breastmilk and lochia and sweating out IV fluids by the bucket, feeling so trampled and bitter about my "failed vbac attempt" and cursing my stupid hormonal reactions to every damn thing. Wiping tears away with angry hands and making sarcastic remarks. Anyway...my favorite song, Radiohead's "Let Down" was in our van's cd rotation at the time and it changed forever for me. I haven't heard it much since then. But it came on in the van yesterday while I was driving around with the kids;

Transport, what a way to travel,
Starting and then stopping
Taking off and landing,
The emptiest of feelings -
Dissapointed people
Clinging on to hope, and
When it comes it's oh so dissapointing
Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground

Shell smashed, juices flowing
Wings clipped
Don't get sentimental
It always ends up drivel...
A chemical reaction
Hysterical and useless,
Hysterical and let down and hanging around...

I was tearing up already but then the music swells, and I was thinking about how I want this time to be, and he (Thom York) is there singing in a full on, warbling tone...

But one day
I am growing to grow wings

I don't know. I was sobbing. I turned the rearview mirror so the kids wouldn't see me and it gave me goosebumps. I'm ready for some wings. I'm ready to GO. Highways and runways for something totally different.

If anyone wants that song, I can email you the file.


Tomorrow is going to be another busy day...I have to make an agenda for the "planning meeting" PATH is having this coming Tuesday, send out an email about it, A and A are due for recorder lessons and Spanish practice, and I also promised them I'd call Yoli and Melanie (to get them playdates with Kayla and Eli, respectively). I'm also on a "Throwing things away" binge trying to get this cluttered up house in order, and am supposed to see the chiropractor. As well as being scarily behind in my online classwork :x

I will leave you all with this gem from my freakish 6 year old daughter:

Annie: You know I learned today during Animal Planet that people usually swallow up to a quart of snot a day, and sometimes a lot of it ends up in your lungs because it gets in your trachea instead of your esophagus and can make you sick. But someone did a study to prove that you can be healthier if you pick your boogers and eat them, since your intestines have this bacteria that defends itself against the bad germs in the boogers and helps your immune system build up an immunity to whatever bad germs are trying to get into your body. Plus then you aren't swallowing the snot into your lungs. *looks smug*

There goes my 4 years of fighting with her to NOT EAT HER BOOGERS because it's nasty and her body's trying to get rid of that stuff, so she shouldn't put it back in O_o

Comments

[florassecret.livejournal.com]

Reading this just made my day.
Let me comment first on Annie so I don't forget: She reminds me of my Jocelyn. Always watching Animal Planet. JOcelyn loves that show.

On your trip to Boston. OMG 4 kids and a husband in a van for days? that's crazy insane. I wish you luck in your travels.

I just had this vision of you giving birth under 4 hours with no medications and no complications, and I also see you holding a really big healthy baby. Does this make any sense? you've changed a lot since last year when I started to read you. This whole experience is wow, this will be your only baby not born in Florida (LOL please let me know if you've birthed your first two outside of Florida.) Again, best of luck.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

The trip is not quite as crazy for us as it might be for some; we make trips up to Jacksonville (7+ hours) a few times a year, to Lakeland (5 hours) annually, and to Key West (3 hours) here and there as well. The kids are usually fine with the car, and the way we have it broken up gives us several hours a day to let them run around. Hopefully it'll be alright.

It is wow. And I have changed. I so wish I could have been comfortable with the idea of midwives and homebirth from the very beginning; from my pregnancy with Isaac, at least. But you live and learn, I guess. It's taken quite a lot to "unbrainwash" me. I like your vision just fine :)

And yeah, all four have been born in Homestead, Florida, except Jake was born in Miami. This is definitely different.

[florassecret.livejournal.com]

I hope you get time to post about your trip, and to take photos.

We travel often too, we have family in Calgary, Alberta, Whistler, and Kamloops BC (both north of Vancouver) Calgary is a 2 day car ride. We went to Calgary just 2 years ago before I was pregnant with Madeline, Jocelyn whined the whole way there, her ears killed her going over the Rockies.

[the-leh.livejournal.com]

I don't care how healthy it might be, tell Annie I am not about to start eating my boogers kthx.

I am definitely going to download that song now.

Here's to a wonderful birth this time :)

Jake sounds just like little Erica. I am hoplessly in love with her, too. Not that I don't love Jane just as much, but sometimes, Erica is *easier* to love. Though Jane has been extra sweet lately and hardly tantrums at all.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I like the song best REALLY LOUD. I've reccomended headphones to people before if necessary :p I don't know if this makes any sense to other people, but I like "music that spins", and I think that song is the pinnacle of spinning music.

I so know what you mean about the "easier to love" thing. Isaac would never allow us to hug or cuddle him, as a baby, and would never sleep, and tantrumed/tantrums about EVERYTHING...I try so hard not to make comparisons because I really don't want him to grow up with a "Why can't you be more like your little brother?!" complex, but sometimes it is really hard to not think it. Jake will bust his head, toddler style, and be fine within 2 minutes, and I can't help but think how Isaac would still be screaming half an hour later, if it had been him. He throws fits over stumbling even if he doesn't actually fall!

[jerkface02.livejournal.com]

i'm rather impressed with annie's defense! so complex! maybe i am under-estimating six-year-olds but jeeze!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of it is just that we talk about EVERYTHING. People generally underestimate most kids, in my opinion...it makes me crazy how people walk up to mine and do this ridiculous cutesie baby talk stuff.

Still and all, a 6 year old IS a 6 year old on some level - whatever vocabulary she's using, she's still using it to defend eating boogers :p

[marliah.livejournal.com]

awww, your Jake sounds like my Dexter. He gives the best snuggle hugs. Just presses his whole body into me and totally relaxes. I love it. He would let me carry him all day (and hes almost 3). I love how affectionate and snuggly he is. :)


And your Annie, what a smart girl, I was LOL reading that. How can you argue with that :p so cute!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

:D

I'll get the song. I don't think I've heard them before.

[the-waker.livejournal.com]

They're great. Sara has the best music ever. I want to spend hours with headphones, no kids, and her collection. ;)

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

Okay, so now I can stop feeling humiliated about the moment in church last Sunday when Luci stood up in front of the entire congregation holding an icon for the Sunday of Orthodoxy procession in one hand and picking her nose and putting the boogers in her mouth with the other hand. It was good for her, so I don't have to feel embarrassed anymore.

When I caught her eye and made motions for her to stop, typical of Luci, she smiled at me, delighted in the prospect that she was perfectly safe from my interference way up there, and looked me right in the eye while she slowly brought the next booger to her lips.

All this birth stuff is still in my prayers. You know our doors are open to you going or coming or both, right? Just letting you know.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Luci cracks me up - I can totally picture that.

...As for the open doors, I actually emailed you about that yesterday afternoon. Are you still using braddama@sbcglobal.net?

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

And, while I don't have a real place for you to stay, please let me know if I can be of any help at all! I live next door to a great park if your monkeys need to run around :) And a few monkeys for them to chase!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Before you had mentioned going to Dama's if I was going to be there...is that still an option for you? Particularly for the way back, Eden will be a little older and you could see Elise ;)

I want to stop EVERYWHERE and see EVERYONE, but I know realistically that we are making a loooooong trip and there's just no way :/

growing wings

[forgetfulmuse.livejournal.com]

I like that song. I think it does really go and I can imagine how it would make you cry, given the history of listening to it in the van like that as well. When Cerys was in the NICU, driving away late one night when I just so desperately didn't want to have to leave her after spending pretty well all day there, the random function on the CD player picked "Gypsy" by Suzanne Vega and this one part just made me burst into tears: "Oh hold me like a baby that will not fall asleep, curl me up inside you and let me feel you through the heat." It still makes me cry, because I would have given anything for her to still be curled up inside me, which is where she should have been. As with the Radiohead song, you sort of need to hear it, but it will forever have that association for me now.


That's hilarious about the boogers. Well, I guess I won't worry so much about the whole eating boogers thing then! Boogers, it's what's for dinner.

Re: growing wings

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

That Gypsy song sounds like it would get me, too.

With Jake there was also this ridiculous trendy new Lifehouse rock song...I spent a lot of time chilling next to his bed while he slept, trying to pry updates out of the nurses...

Cuz I am hanging on every word you say, and
Even if you don't want to talk tonight,
That's alright, it's alright...

To stand outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
That's all I want
That's where I want to be

The boogers thing grosses me out so much. I was a civilized kid who just wiped them on things ;)

[greatestislove.livejournal.com]

aaaah, Jake is such a cutie.

Your other kids are so funny.

Glad to hear you have a place lined up. Still praying for your budget.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Thank you, for your prayers. So far it seems as if we may end up "only" being around $500-1000 short. Which is daunting, but when you're talking six grand it's like you're basically there. If we can just sell my old piece of crap car and Grant can get an extra check or two out of some procrastinating customer or other...

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

I am going to have to find that song. I read this last night and almost started crying from that last line. It is perfect for you.

Jake is adorable and amazing, and Annie is so smart. In a kind of disturbing way sometimes. :) I love love love how you do not underestimate your kids, and talk to them like they are capable of having real conversations (which of course they are). People underestimating kids is one of the things that annoys me a lot.

All all that is *so exciting*. I'm praying for you... and your baby. It is sounding like it will be good.

[heavynleigh.livejournal.com]

ew ew ew on the boogers. I was also a civilized kid who just wiped them on things. Actually, I was more of a flicker of boogers. ;-) And I only did it when nobody was watching, of course.

I'm so excited for you with the Boston thing. It's a fun city, except for the traffic. I really hope everything goes the way you're dreaming this time around. I have every bit of faith and confidence that you can do this!

I would love to hear that song! I love Coldplay.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Coldplay?! Who said anything about Coldplay O_o

:p Radiohead. It's just funny because a lot of people I know see Coldplay (who I like alright) as "biting off of Radiohead".

Thank you, for your vote of confidence. It's really nice to know that plenty of intelligent, rational people don't think I'm insane, if you know what I mean.

It's weird, you know...my whole PATH group and La Leche League group, and both Grant and my families, and everyone who reads my journal is...watching. Or something. I had a dream last night that I was giving birth on a stage with cameras all around. It wasn't embarassing in the dream, just a bit of pressure. I don't really see it as quite that intense, but still and all there is a little voice in the back of my head thinking it would suck that much more to fail. Aside from scary complications and my health and my baby...I'd have to EXPLAIN it and answer questions for weeks and months afterwards, some infinite number of times.

[heavynleigh.livejournal.com]

ha! I don't know why I was thinking Coldplay. Oh! I have Coldplay as one of my ringtones and I think Rob called me as I was replying. I probably thought Coldplay because that's what I was hearing. lol

I like Radiohead too!

I can understand how you feel pressured with having everyone in the world up in your business. It's nice to have the support but at the same time, there's a lot more pressure to succeed just because of how horrible it would be to have to relive it a billion times for everyone. And to hear all of the "I told you so's" from the naysayers. I have no intention whatsoever of telling Rob's family that we're going to have a home birth. I just don't want to deal with the negative energy that would come from that announcement. I don't think I would get a single word of support or encouragement from any of them. :-/

[the-waker.livejournal.com]

Let Down is one of the most beautiful songs ever. I cry like a baby at "one day I am going to grow wings" too. Full out sobbing. It's really an amazing song and if you have an event to attach it too it becomes even more powerful.

I can't believe you're going to do this. I am so, so excited for you, I'm just squealing reading this! I just realized I never sent you those clothes! If I send them out tomorrow do you think you'll get them before you leave? Are you still going to visit Sara - if so I'll come up and see you and give them to you then! ;)

Seriously, I'm just thrilled for you about everything. :) :) :)

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

:D I'm excited, too!

Send them, send them! If you need help with shipping, let me know, btw. I know it's gotta be a lot. I do hope to see Sara and (HECK YES!!) you while I'm up there, but I am trying to get a handle on what I have already for her, so I know what I DON'T have and can get it while there's still time - especially in terms of a diaper stash. I'm not leaving until like March 27, we want to get there April 1 (I'm due the 8th, so that'll put me at 39 weeks, and I was a week and a half late with Jake).

[the-waker.livejournal.com]

Ok, goody!!! I'm so happy for you!!!! I've been really slack with LJ (you know this!) but I've been thinking about you! I'm going to go pack it up now :D

And of course, I'll drag the kids and I up to Sara's if you come that way!!!!

(excuse my exclamation point frenzy, I'm so excited for you!)

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

more bodi pix kthanx

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

aSk aNd U wIlL r3c3iv3.

radiohead

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling... I get like that about music. Usually just when I'm alone; it sounds different.

I'm so downloading that.

FWIW, Aidan is NOT a fan of Radiohead. He calls it "sad music." Van Halen, however, is "happy music," so we stick to that. I think he's got a point!

Re: radiohead

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Van Halen's "Jump" was Grant's favorite song as a kid. Aaron loves it, now.

I don't normally think of Let Down as sad music, but I can understand that Radiohead in general has a bit of a dragging hum in it...it's pretty, uh, deep? My kids call "Everything in it's Right Place" the bug song, and laugh that they must have used a bunch of mosquitoes in it :p

[(Anonymous)]

Thats been my favorite Radiohead song since like 10th grade. It makes my chest feel full and heavy when I listen to it.
Once I was listening to it on headphones full blast at the Metro-rail platform (Brickell, but that's sort of useless info. =) )and when the chorus came on I had this insane fantasy/compelling need to jump off the edge and see where I landed or if I could fly. Ha.

oh yeah- this is Sarah.

Also!!!

[(Anonymous)]

My friends have been giving me more clothes than any one baby could ever use- do you want me to bag up what we don't need and give it to you?
some of the clothes have been worn once- my friend Jessica has a 5 month old baby- she gives me garbage bags full of clothes everytime i see her. I literally have 25 pairs of size NB pants! like 50 onsies, etc.
Each stage her baby grows out of she gives to me.
Also another friend of mine has a girl baby, and is giving me all of her old clothes.
so anyhow, i don't know how you feel about used baby clothes- but i think they're flippin awesome. and perhaps it could help out considering your finances (it helped me, considering mine..).
anyhow-umm, give melissa a call on her cell phone, as she doesn't live at home anymore. she and Alex just moved into a massive apartment, but it's located in Homestead, so she can come over with you to help you look through the stuff. I'm up in S.Miami at my apartment again so i most likely wont be there.
maybe we can do this next week end? i still need to go down there and sort through everything. once we have that done, you're welcome to come over whenever to pick it up.
good luck with everything.
*i feel full of baby as well* i think my baby also had a growth spurt- which is funny considering we are the same exact amount of pregnant, to the day.