My birthday, with PSYCHOanalysis

[altarflame]

I have to do a lot of cleaning before I can go to bed tonight. Which is a little bit sucky because I didn't get to bed last night until 4, and Grant has already gone to bed with Jake. The only person left awake is Aaron, and I'm letting him have his nice distraction-free time with nobody butting in on his hypersensitive senses. He's mostly coloring with markers. He's nice to hang out with at night.

I have some kind of very sore, raw mystery abrasion on my inner thigh that's driving me bonkers; it doesn't have any sort of interesting or scandalous cause that I can think of. Or any other sort of cause.

My birthday was awesome. As Laura said, "Grant kicks ass at husbanding". At midnight night before last he whipped out a little gift bag. It had one of those big old leather wallets that I associate with older women in it; the kind that fold out into all sorts of compartments and have their own clasps and only fit into huge purses. Granted, I carry a huge purse, and all my cards get mixed up in and dropped out of the little zip pouch it has. So I heard him out as he said, "I know you probably never would have gotten this for yourself and I'm not sure if you'll like it, but I really thought you would use it" and tried not to make it too obvious that my reaction was "Oh. A...wallet. Great. I...love it." I opened it up to check it out and he had great pictures of the kids and of us and of all of us together all through it, and then I flipped over to the credit card section and did a double take because...it was full of gift cards.

Like, no, really, it was FULL OF GIFT CARDS. Target, Old Navy, Marshalls, Starbucks, Outback Steakhouse, and Barnes and Noble. I could not believe it. I was trying to decide if I should be confused or act guilty because he spent a fortune, but he was so giddy about the timing of this and that commission check that I just went with it; SQUEE!!!

"Hahaha", he says, "You thought I just got you a dumb wallet. You should have seen your face; 'Oh yeah I just...always wanted a...wallet...'".

Then he got out a little box. Little boxes make me nervous, gift wise, btw. But anyway, it was this beautiful necklace on black cord with silver accents; deep red beads that reminded both of us of pomegranate seeds on sight. "I went to the bead store and made it", he said. "These 5 in the middle are for all of our kids, and the two on the ends are you and I".

I know it makes no rational sense, but my involuntary response to him being this wonderful is to be terrified that I'm going to lose him somehow, and also reforge my somewhat lapsed relationship with Jesus on the basis that He can keep him alive. Whatever brings you back, I suppose.

There is really a part of me that quantifies all these years together - every amazing gift and hilarious roadtrip where we broke down in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures, and moment when someone handed us a baby...and thinks how the bigger the pile of memories grows, the harder it will be when it's all over. I can actually get intensely angry and start crying thinking how unfair it is that two people can continue to get closer and love more for so long, when they are still just mortal at the end of it anyway. It just makes it hurt more; it makes the loss bigger. I have a great great grandmother alive who lost her twin sister three years ago. Re-read that sentence! These women grew in and emerged from the same womb, grew up together, got married and raised families on the same block, buried their husbands and moved back in together; they've lost kids and even grandkids to causes natural and not. And then ONE OF THEM DIES, at 97 years old?! I honestly can't imagine.

This is how my mind works. I moved every 6 months as a child? I'm a Scorpio? I don't know why I can't just enjoy the moments. But sometimes I get this clench in my gut and think that the more deeply Grant understands me, the more lost I'll be if anything ever happens to him. The further back we go, the more completely irreplaceable he is. No, no I don't like vulnerability much. Who knew? I broke up with him as a teenager just because I couldn't stand it that he was mortal. He would walk (miles) to my house to bring me chocolate milk or make me noodle soup when I was sick, when I was 14 with no parents around. There are no ways to say thank you for some things. I used to call him when I woke up with nightmares, and he would tell me stories until I fell asleep on the phone. I would wake up hearing the dial tone in the morning.

But Tuesday. Tuesday I had a wonderful birthday. We went to the park for PATH but most everyone else went on the (totally uninteresting) field trip so I closed up the gate and we just stayed awhile to play on the main area, as a family...the kids found this huge cuban lizard in the grass. After sitting still and nearly camouflaged for several minutes as we surrounded it, the thing started bolting around zig zag style and we scattered, screaming and leaping around. Grant afterward said to me, "I didn't know you knew how to do the shutter bug".

We had lunch up at Olive Garden, and everyone was super good. Book store on the way back; I got the latest Stephen King, because it looks like one of the really good ones and not another dud, and the newest Ya-Ya book, which I've nearly burned through already, and the latest Elle. I still have money left on it for another time.

We came home nearing dark, lounged about in the perfect weather of the yard for a bit and then Annie and I went just the two of us on the PATH owl walk. It was very cool for her; she was totally volunteering answers in the classroom setting beforehand where we learned things, and so confident about walking through thigh high grass in the middle of the pitch dark forest. She said it made her want to go camping, and begged to go on another owl walk soon before we had even left. They had wings and talons, whole, from birds that have been hit by cars, so you can examine them up close - as well as owl pellets you can see the mouse bones in. Did you know we have 25" owls here (the great horned owl) that can catch and eat CATS?! We saw Eastern Screech Owls, which are only 8-11" and eat mice and small snakes, but still.

I came home long enough to nurse Jake, check in with Grant, give Isaac a goodnight hug and take Aaron out (just he and I) to see Open Season. He was over the moon because I got us a huge icee and a giant order of nachos with cheese and gave him unlimited access, and the movie cracked him up. We "flew" back to the car, weaving around and flapping our wings in the nearly empty parking lot.

Longest day ever. Very good day.

Today I had to make up for lost cleaning and homeschooling, and cram in a paper for my class that was this evening. And I did all the prep cooking before I left so I could whip dinner up fast when I got home. But we had a great dinner - ginger, garlic and terriyaki chicken and mushrooms, chilled fresh cranberry sauce, garlic and butter green beans, and cheddar mashed potatoes. The cleaning did not get all the way done throughout the day because Jake has a cold from the weather change and has been nursing up a storm...which is why I have to scrub the table and counters and sweep and mop and do another load of dishes now.

I feel really full. I feel like the idea of getting my degree is very real, too.

Also - my sister is two centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. She's not actually in labor, her body's just getting ready. Baby has been posterior causing her hella pain, and she's been leaning and sitting forward to faciliate turning so much that she's ready to stab herself, but it seems to have finally worked today. So perhaps that will instigate more progress - she's more comfortable now, anyway. Her due date is next week.

Comments

[the-leh.livejournal.com]

Grant is so cool!!! HAHAHA. "Just what I always wanted...a....wallet" HAHAHA.

I can actually get intensely angry and start crying thinking how unfair it is that two people can continue to get closer and love more for so long, when they are still just mortal at the end of it anyway.

I don't believe that. I think families can live together forever. If you're interested in hearing more about that, let me know, but I don't want to get all preach-y on you.

I'm glad your birthday was so wonderful! That's just awesome.

It seems like just yesterday you said your sister was pregnant :o

Your dinner is making me salivate and now I want to take a road trip too.

Totally unrelated: I have pumpkin bread in the oven.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I don't understand how it can be logistically possible for families to live together forever; for instance for my mom that would mean her and me and my sister and my brother. For me it would mean me and Grant and my kids. For my sister's mother in law it would mean her and her husband and their son and my sister...etc etc. Unless you mean very extended families - like basically everyone you love still being around you....

OOoooh, what pumpkin bread recipe do you use? I usually use this one, with whole wheat flour substituting for half to all the flour - http://www.texascooking.com/recipes/Pumpkinbread.htm

[brightsoul.livejournal.com]

haha...i like your response, only because when i was a kid, i would think about crazy stuff like that and then i'd just settle in nice and cozy with thoughts of heaven and eternal life with all the same familiar people and sometimes that would satisfyme , sometimes not because i'd wonder how that would be different than living on earth and what about the people you didn't get along with and what was the point? it would get very confusing.

lol!

in a way, though, i still think some kind of family may always exist, in that (and i know...we all three have VERY different beliefs here) the soul/spirit that lives on eternally may have encounters with familiar souls/spirits in the cosmos/heaven/whatever you call it or through different incarnations or experiences. wild stuff.

[the-leh.livejournal.com]

you'd only be with the people you WANT to be with, like you have a choice in the hereafter. But it's just what I believe, from the experinces I've had.
http://mormon.org/learn/0,8672,1456-1,00.html

Recipe for pumpkin bread:
http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=5746 I used eggs and omitted most of the water instead of making it with egg replacer and water.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

All that stuff about mortality struck pretty deep for me; I have thoughts like that all the time, and hopes that I can bargain with God to keep people around, even though I know it doesn't work that way.

What I believe about heaven is that it's eternal contemplation and praise of God (look up "beatific vision" if you're interested in how the Catholic Church imagines and describes that), but NOT to the exclusion of being with people we love, because it's ETERNAL. Just imagine how much time you would have with each of your kids, and your husband, and everyone you love, if you weren't limited to 24 hrs in a day, and didn't have to sleep! Obviously there are differences between eternity and just time going on forever, but I think they're really hard for us to conceptualize, because we can only imagine it in terms of finite and time-limited experience. Like a child in utero not even being able to dream of all that SPACE...

By the same token, I think those of us who are in heaven while the world is still going on will be praying and interceding with God for people on earth as members of the communion of saints.

I've been reading about the Reformation in England, which was very top-down and most of the population did not want--rosaries became illegal, statues and images were smashed, and priests were tortured and executed--and one of the most traumatizing things for many people was the sense of losing the their connection with the dead, which the Catholic Church affirmed and the Protestants denied.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I got so caught up in typing that novel of a comment, I forgot to say I hope you had a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Having my only "background" in Protestantism (baptist school in K and 1st gr, baptist church in 6th grade, and then Disciples of Christ teen activities and trips like crazy from 15-17), it's really hard for me to truly believe in the connection with the dead. Really hard. To the point that sometimes when I start thinking about saints and intercession, the entire christian story starts to just seem like fiction to me on some level :/ Not always, but I hope you can understand what I mean.

My intuitive grasp of Heaven (which is admittedly rather weak) has always been that we'll be way too taken and enraptured with the presence of God to care about who else is there - there is this idea that THAT love is the real love, and all these mortal loves are just a foreshadow of it. It's hard for me because the first time I ever heard of Heaven and Hell was in Baptist K where they assured me that my parents were going to burn forever because neither of them were saved. My dad found me sobbing in the bathroom night after night, I had nightmares about it...so it was very much this idea that Heaven will "somehow" be the best thing ever, even though everyone you love on earth will be roasting in a pit at the time, if that makes sense. Suffice to say that from very early on I've been christian for the here and now, and not in it for the afterlife.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you were taught that. I am very tempted to judge and condemn anyone who would say that to a child. Clearly we do NOT know for sure where anyone is headed, Christian or not, lapsed or not, and to say otherwise is such a prideful presumption against the things God's grace is capable of. And to have that be the first you heard about life after death... Similar stuff was visited on my dad as a kid, and it screwed him up pretty badly, to the point that he told me in all seriousness that he'd rather I went to jail on drug charges than became a Christian. (The drug part was totally hypothetical, just his idea of what most parents would think of as the "worst thing.")

I think the love of Christ IS the real love, but since he loves all of us, and commands us to love one another, I can't see why that would be anything but fulfilled and deepened in heaven. Sort of in the way a spouse's love for his/her spouse ideally becomes greater, not less, when they have a child together. In this world, our ability to express love is limited by time and the finitude of our capacity for attention. I don't think it will be in heaven.

[brightsoul.livejournal.com]

okay i couldn't even finish reading this, after the bit about your great grandmother but WOW. grant does rock at husbanding. enjoy them sweetie...your moments are beautiful.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Aww...I swear it got happier again after that!

But yeah. He does. And I try.

[lizziebennet.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh and cry, and it's beautiful. I'm so glad you had a good birthday.

I get the stuff about families, and mortality, and loving people. My grandma just died, and I keep thinking about how she grew up, and married, she moved to a foreign country (she was from Switzerland, so the US was a foreign country) and raised a family, and saw her grandchildren, and shared all the things she loved, and did so so many things, and saw some of her great grandchildren, and then she got sick, and couldn't remember it all, most of the time... And she died, and she'll never see my children, when I have them, which makes me cry. But she had all that richness, and beauty. I don't know about the mortality thing... but it's not the end... and I think the connections we have are not things we will lose, truly.

Okay, Tina, I make no sense. I am glad you had such a good day, and your food sounds delicious, as always. :)

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

I think about all those things too, Tina. I already start crying at the mere THOUGHT of Chris dying. Like blubbering on a public bus when a thought of what I would do at Chris' funeral pops up out of NOWHERE.

But one of the things I love most about the Orthodox view of marriage is that there is no "till death do us part" because we do not believe death ends marriage. We believe marriage is eternal. That doesn't make the time here on earth any less lonely, but it does mean that all the love, the memories, the RELATIONSHIP keeps going on, forever and ever. I believe yours and Grant's hearts and souls are actually, truly, united for eternity.

And yes, Grant is freaking awesome at "husbanding" :)

[forgetfulmuse.livejournal.com]

"Hahaha", he says, "You thought I just got you a dumb wallet. You should have seen your face; 'Oh yeah I just...always wanted a...wallet...'".


Ha ha ha ha! That's great! You guys rock.

[hearts-refuge.livejournal.com]

Aaron, my husband, doesn't understand why I can just randomly start crying at the mention of a funeral or death not even related to us. It's because my mind immediately puts him in the casket and I at the graveside. I simply don't know what I'd do without him or how I'd manage. Until now, I haven't been able to put it into a string of words he understands why this happens. What you wrote about your feelings about Grant has given be a platform to build my own explanation of my emotions about the whole thing. Next time it happens, maybe I'll be able to make sense to him.

Thank you for sharing! Your birthday sounded wonderful. :-)

[tikizeekbaby.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the perfect birthday :D.

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday. :)

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

wow, your whole thing about "how can we build all these memories and then it just ends" is pretty much a direct excerpt from one of my biggest fears which keeps me up at night. I have so much trouble enjoying things because all I can think sometimes, in the middle of a great moment, is "and someday these people will all be dead and none of this will really matter." awful.

[julierocket.livejournal.com]

also, happy birthday :D

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

yeah. I have no response to most of this except to cry.

But, hey...I'm going to claim hormones and let myself do that.

I'm glad your birthday was so lovely. Grant needs an award. Seriously. If I ever meet the guy he's just going to have to put up with a stranger hugging and kissing him. 'Cause I'm gonna!