What an impossible day.
Feb. 17th, 2006 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI feel like such an idiot. I don't know how I can flip flop from wanting a million kids to thinking I'm done so sincerely and so often, and I don't know how to work with where I'm at, either...I mean, I'm not ready or willing to be sterilized and I don't really believe in birth control or abortion. I would probably be using birth control anyway except that I can't take combined hormone birth control without hellacious side effects (major weight gain and debilitating leg pain that is a sign of serious blood clotting) and I've gotten pregnant on progestin-only twice already (Aaron and a miscarriage). I mean right now we're abstaining which if we can manage to do it perfectly is awesome birth control, but we'll be married really soon. And I am not at all willing to abstain indefinitely once we are. Obviously from a naturalist and a christian perspective NFP (charting your cycles) is ideal, but with tandem nursing my cycles are wack and crazily unpredictable - as far as I can tell I've ovulated twice at 10 days in and 32 days into a single cycle o_O Neither time was I anticipating it. So what am I going to do? All my talk about what's meant to be and leaving things in God's hands is not just talk; I really believe all that hoohaw. And I lost my virginity at 14. I never had a pregnancy scare - not a single one - until I was pregnant with Ananda, who I had right after graduating, at 18. We were SO not careful...I mean, Grant and I were total fools. Rhythm method (sort of), pulling out (sometimes). And we were very frequently doing it - several times a week for years. I really think God just doesn't make mistakes and I wasn't ready to be a mother yet. I went through a lot of therapy and traveled and finished high school and found Him and THEN I promptly started having babies. Like crazy.
So. Where does that leave me? What does that MEAN? The random unsolicited thought came to me the other afternoon at tea, that Ananda really does need a sister. An aunt for her children, a female friend that is unconditional, when she's older, all of that. I have fallen in love with the idea this week, even though I would be TERRIFIED of a 5th c-section or struggling like crazy to deal with preparing for another vbac attempt....then TODAY. Oh, today...
Jake took a looooooong nap on his own, and he sat in the stroller happily for a long walk, and he sat under the trampoline happily at tea time. The rest of the day he was in my arms, he was fussing, or he was in my arms fussing. Noise in my ear nonstop, and I can feel my hips getting way misaligned again. Isaac was an INSANE TYRANT. He whined and puled and yelled and cried the whole day long. I nursed him more than normal, I let him have a long bath with Annie, I jumped with him, I gave him much good food, I kept him changed, we went for a walk, but everything was a damn moaning miserable tantrum. Bedtime was TWO HOURS of Grant and I taking turns - one holding Jake, the other comforting Isaac - while Isaac screamed anytime we were switching. Screamed and screamed. And Aaron is nuts, too. Grant jumped with him, outside, for a long time while Annie and Isaac were in the bath, and I stopped to hug him often. We sat and prayed and ate together with others at lunch, tea and dinner. But other than that I think he just wandered around moaning about wanting to go to "the bird shop" and/or begged for leftover Valentine's Day candy all day long. It's like he doesn't even hear me, I can't count how many times in one day I explained why we couldn't go to the bird shop or why he couldn't get candy, but it's like he just asks again, literally loudly right over your explanation, and gets upset when that irritates you.
I guided Ananda through a page of her phonics workbook at tea time and taught her how to play Lord of the Rings Monopoly, which is rife with math, later tonight. We went through about 10 turns each in preparation for a showdown tomorrow. But that was after she waited around for an hour after we got it out for me to be able to hand off the baby.
You know, writing about the day makes me think they really aren't so horribly deprived after all. Twice today A and A were up on chairs in the kitchen with me guiding them through meal prep - both times they actually provided real help to me since I was one handed, and they felt super proud of themselves. At lunch they scrubbed and poked sweet potatoes and found two baking pans and opened a box of frozen fish and got everything arranged on the pans. And at dinner - it was crazy! They all (including Isaac) helped put away clean dishes and reload the dishwasher, and then (yes, we do have to wash dishes just to start cooking) Aaron washed and sliced mushrooms, stemmed and ripped up spinach, filled a pot with water, and retrieved the strainer. Ananda diced roma tomatoes (shockingly well), retrieved pots and pans from low cabinets, peppered things and stirred. They were thrilled with it all.
I suppose they are all getting everything they really need, but I am freaking BEAT, and this house is beyond trashed. I'm too ashamed to describe the state of things. And I didn't get nearly enough rest last night, so I'm going to bed early tonight which means not a lot of pre-bed cleaning.
Yes, there is a time after midnight that counts as early. Last night was 4:30 and it's usually 3, so if I can get to bed before 2 I'm doing well.
As far as other babies, though, really...You all might not all know this, but NORMALLY when a woman is nursing, she is not fertile. At least, while she is exclusively nursing a young baby. Other moms I've met through church, the internet and La Leche League have went anywhere from 6 months to 2 years before having their first postpartum period. This is "nature's way" of spacing out babies. Different hormones are at work in lactation than in ovulation or in pregnancy. The![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
boob_nazis largely rely on LAM (Lactation Awareness Method), meaning they don't worry about birth control until they get a period back, and with a very high success level. I hear people whining all the time that their kid is 18 months old or 27 months old and they have their period back now, or boo hoo they started them on solids and now at 10 months postpartum they are menstruating again. I've even heard of older women weaning their kids so that they can get pregnant again sooner.
Also, most couple have to "Try" to get pregnant for a few months before it happens.
I am in a situation, though, where I'm very young, already have several children, and could easily keep having one every year until I'm going through menopause or die in childbirth. What does this mean, from a spiritual standpoint? That I am a born mother who's meant to have a lot of children entrusted to me? That I am psycho to not have my tubes tied? Is there a point where "having faith and trusting the Lord" becomes complete insanity? That is not a very faithful thing to say. Surely I would quit having babies when there were no more out there for me the same way I didn't start until I was ready?
All I know is I have some seriously sagging abdominal muscles and some seriously scarred up abdominal skin, along with a big, newly crooked and expanded cesarian incision scar atop a uterus in who knows what condition, and that I do not ever want to have another needle put into my spine, PERIOD. I also know I have a misaligned pelvis that's making one of my legs longer than the other unless I'm having regular chiropractic adjustments and that that leads to weirdly assymetrical feet and a funky walk.
And of course I know that we are living with my father in law and 3 to a bedroom.
Which is nothing compared to most of the world or most of history; put in that context we are swimming in riches and should be counting ourselves blessed and willing to share abundantly. We are not 8 people in a mud hut - each of us has a bed, and a place to store all of our clothes, and many personal possessions.
Bah!
I need to sleep, and make a to do list for tomorrow, and clean the kitchen. In reverse order. Before I go, what do you all think of this teapot - http://cgi.ebay.com/RED-BURGUNDY-GLASS-TEAPOT-W-FILTER-BRAND-NEW-WWOWW_W0QQitemZ4437153405QQcategoryZ20634QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem I'm sort of assuming you can heat that stovetop and that it would pour easily without spillage, does anyone think I might be wrong?
So. Where does that leave me? What does that MEAN? The random unsolicited thought came to me the other afternoon at tea, that Ananda really does need a sister. An aunt for her children, a female friend that is unconditional, when she's older, all of that. I have fallen in love with the idea this week, even though I would be TERRIFIED of a 5th c-section or struggling like crazy to deal with preparing for another vbac attempt....then TODAY. Oh, today...
Jake took a looooooong nap on his own, and he sat in the stroller happily for a long walk, and he sat under the trampoline happily at tea time. The rest of the day he was in my arms, he was fussing, or he was in my arms fussing. Noise in my ear nonstop, and I can feel my hips getting way misaligned again. Isaac was an INSANE TYRANT. He whined and puled and yelled and cried the whole day long. I nursed him more than normal, I let him have a long bath with Annie, I jumped with him, I gave him much good food, I kept him changed, we went for a walk, but everything was a damn moaning miserable tantrum. Bedtime was TWO HOURS of Grant and I taking turns - one holding Jake, the other comforting Isaac - while Isaac screamed anytime we were switching. Screamed and screamed. And Aaron is nuts, too. Grant jumped with him, outside, for a long time while Annie and Isaac were in the bath, and I stopped to hug him often. We sat and prayed and ate together with others at lunch, tea and dinner. But other than that I think he just wandered around moaning about wanting to go to "the bird shop" and/or begged for leftover Valentine's Day candy all day long. It's like he doesn't even hear me, I can't count how many times in one day I explained why we couldn't go to the bird shop or why he couldn't get candy, but it's like he just asks again, literally loudly right over your explanation, and gets upset when that irritates you.
I guided Ananda through a page of her phonics workbook at tea time and taught her how to play Lord of the Rings Monopoly, which is rife with math, later tonight. We went through about 10 turns each in preparation for a showdown tomorrow. But that was after she waited around for an hour after we got it out for me to be able to hand off the baby.
You know, writing about the day makes me think they really aren't so horribly deprived after all. Twice today A and A were up on chairs in the kitchen with me guiding them through meal prep - both times they actually provided real help to me since I was one handed, and they felt super proud of themselves. At lunch they scrubbed and poked sweet potatoes and found two baking pans and opened a box of frozen fish and got everything arranged on the pans. And at dinner - it was crazy! They all (including Isaac) helped put away clean dishes and reload the dishwasher, and then (yes, we do have to wash dishes just to start cooking) Aaron washed and sliced mushrooms, stemmed and ripped up spinach, filled a pot with water, and retrieved the strainer. Ananda diced roma tomatoes (shockingly well), retrieved pots and pans from low cabinets, peppered things and stirred. They were thrilled with it all.
I suppose they are all getting everything they really need, but I am freaking BEAT, and this house is beyond trashed. I'm too ashamed to describe the state of things. And I didn't get nearly enough rest last night, so I'm going to bed early tonight which means not a lot of pre-bed cleaning.
Yes, there is a time after midnight that counts as early. Last night was 4:30 and it's usually 3, so if I can get to bed before 2 I'm doing well.
As far as other babies, though, really...You all might not all know this, but NORMALLY when a woman is nursing, she is not fertile. At least, while she is exclusively nursing a young baby. Other moms I've met through church, the internet and La Leche League have went anywhere from 6 months to 2 years before having their first postpartum period. This is "nature's way" of spacing out babies. Different hormones are at work in lactation than in ovulation or in pregnancy. The
boob_nazis largely rely on LAM (Lactation Awareness Method), meaning they don't worry about birth control until they get a period back, and with a very high success level. I hear people whining all the time that their kid is 18 months old or 27 months old and they have their period back now, or boo hoo they started them on solids and now at 10 months postpartum they are menstruating again. I've even heard of older women weaning their kids so that they can get pregnant again sooner.Also, most couple have to "Try" to get pregnant for a few months before it happens.
I am in a situation, though, where I'm very young, already have several children, and could easily keep having one every year until I'm going through menopause or die in childbirth. What does this mean, from a spiritual standpoint? That I am a born mother who's meant to have a lot of children entrusted to me? That I am psycho to not have my tubes tied? Is there a point where "having faith and trusting the Lord" becomes complete insanity? That is not a very faithful thing to say. Surely I would quit having babies when there were no more out there for me the same way I didn't start until I was ready?
All I know is I have some seriously sagging abdominal muscles and some seriously scarred up abdominal skin, along with a big, newly crooked and expanded cesarian incision scar atop a uterus in who knows what condition, and that I do not ever want to have another needle put into my spine, PERIOD. I also know I have a misaligned pelvis that's making one of my legs longer than the other unless I'm having regular chiropractic adjustments and that that leads to weirdly assymetrical feet and a funky walk.
And of course I know that we are living with my father in law and 3 to a bedroom.
Which is nothing compared to most of the world or most of history; put in that context we are swimming in riches and should be counting ourselves blessed and willing to share abundantly. We are not 8 people in a mud hut - each of us has a bed, and a place to store all of our clothes, and many personal possessions.
Bah!
I need to sleep, and make a to do list for tomorrow, and clean the kitchen. In reverse order. Before I go, what do you all think of this teapot - http://cgi.ebay.com/RED-BURGUNDY-GLASS-TEAPOT-W-FILTER-BRAND-NEW-WWOWW_W0QQitemZ4437153405QQcategoryZ20634QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem I'm sort of assuming you can heat that stovetop and that it would pour easily without spillage, does anyone think I might be wrong?
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Re: on the whole god+# of kids thing...
Date: 2006-02-17 05:52 pm (UTC)I don't believe that everything that happens is God's will, but I do believe he can stop or change anything as He chooses, and that our own free will is not meant to be a means of thwarting His or going against "the plan". Excercising our own choices through free will in a way that goes against God is basically the definition of sin; sin being something that separates you from God, and thus, being undesirable....I hate the feeling of knowingly going against the plan and turning my back on God to do as I want to. Even when it is more immediately convenient or "sensible" by secular standards it feels inherently wrong to me on so many levels, and leaves me uneasy and tense - it just sucks. Whereas, on the other hand, when I take the time to know what I should be doing and act accordingly, even if it is immediately VERY incovenient or NOT sensible by worldly standards, I still have a deep sense of peace and rightness that I prefer to the convenient sensibility.
I hope that makes some modicum of sense.
Is modicum a word?