What an impossible day.

[altarflame]

I feel like such an idiot. I don't know how I can flip flop from wanting a million kids to thinking I'm done so sincerely and so often, and I don't know how to work with where I'm at, either...I mean, I'm not ready or willing to be sterilized and I don't really believe in birth control or abortion. I would probably be using birth control anyway except that I can't take combined hormone birth control without hellacious side effects (major weight gain and debilitating leg pain that is a sign of serious blood clotting) and I've gotten pregnant on progestin-only twice already (Aaron and a miscarriage). I mean right now we're abstaining which if we can manage to do it perfectly is awesome birth control, but we'll be married really soon. And I am not at all willing to abstain indefinitely once we are. Obviously from a naturalist and a christian perspective NFP (charting your cycles) is ideal, but with tandem nursing my cycles are wack and crazily unpredictable - as far as I can tell I've ovulated twice at 10 days in and 32 days into a single cycle o_O Neither time was I anticipating it. So what am I going to do? All my talk about what's meant to be and leaving things in God's hands is not just talk; I really believe all that hoohaw. And I lost my virginity at 14. I never had a pregnancy scare - not a single one - until I was pregnant with Ananda, who I had right after graduating, at 18. We were SO not careful...I mean, Grant and I were total fools. Rhythm method (sort of), pulling out (sometimes). And we were very frequently doing it - several times a week for years. I really think God just doesn't make mistakes and I wasn't ready to be a mother yet. I went through a lot of therapy and traveled and finished high school and found Him and THEN I promptly started having babies. Like crazy.

So. Where does that leave me? What does that MEAN? The random unsolicited thought came to me the other afternoon at tea, that Ananda really does need a sister. An aunt for her children, a female friend that is unconditional, when she's older, all of that. I have fallen in love with the idea this week, even though I would be TERRIFIED of a 5th c-section or struggling like crazy to deal with preparing for another vbac attempt....then TODAY. Oh, today...

Jake took a looooooong nap on his own, and he sat in the stroller happily for a long walk, and he sat under the trampoline happily at tea time. The rest of the day he was in my arms, he was fussing, or he was in my arms fussing. Noise in my ear nonstop, and I can feel my hips getting way misaligned again. Isaac was an INSANE TYRANT. He whined and puled and yelled and cried the whole day long. I nursed him more than normal, I let him have a long bath with Annie, I jumped with him, I gave him much good food, I kept him changed, we went for a walk, but everything was a damn moaning miserable tantrum. Bedtime was TWO HOURS of Grant and I taking turns - one holding Jake, the other comforting Isaac - while Isaac screamed anytime we were switching. Screamed and screamed. And Aaron is nuts, too. Grant jumped with him, outside, for a long time while Annie and Isaac were in the bath, and I stopped to hug him often. We sat and prayed and ate together with others at lunch, tea and dinner. But other than that I think he just wandered around moaning about wanting to go to "the bird shop" and/or begged for leftover Valentine's Day candy all day long. It's like he doesn't even hear me, I can't count how many times in one day I explained why we couldn't go to the bird shop or why he couldn't get candy, but it's like he just asks again, literally loudly right over your explanation, and gets upset when that irritates you.

I guided Ananda through a page of her phonics workbook at tea time and taught her how to play Lord of the Rings Monopoly, which is rife with math, later tonight. We went through about 10 turns each in preparation for a showdown tomorrow. But that was after she waited around for an hour after we got it out for me to be able to hand off the baby.

You know, writing about the day makes me think they really aren't so horribly deprived after all. Twice today A and A were up on chairs in the kitchen with me guiding them through meal prep - both times they actually provided real help to me since I was one handed, and they felt super proud of themselves. At lunch they scrubbed and poked sweet potatoes and found two baking pans and opened a box of frozen fish and got everything arranged on the pans. And at dinner - it was crazy! They all (including Isaac) helped put away clean dishes and reload the dishwasher, and then (yes, we do have to wash dishes just to start cooking) Aaron washed and sliced mushrooms, stemmed and ripped up spinach, filled a pot with water, and retrieved the strainer. Ananda diced roma tomatoes (shockingly well), retrieved pots and pans from low cabinets, peppered things and stirred. They were thrilled with it all.

I suppose they are all getting everything they really need, but I am freaking BEAT, and this house is beyond trashed. I'm too ashamed to describe the state of things. And I didn't get nearly enough rest last night, so I'm going to bed early tonight which means not a lot of pre-bed cleaning.

Yes, there is a time after midnight that counts as early. Last night was 4:30 and it's usually 3, so if I can get to bed before 2 I'm doing well.

As far as other babies, though, really...You all might not all know this, but NORMALLY when a woman is nursing, she is not fertile. At least, while she is exclusively nursing a young baby. Other moms I've met through church, the internet and La Leche League have went anywhere from 6 months to 2 years before having their first postpartum period. This is "nature's way" of spacing out babies. Different hormones are at work in lactation than in ovulation or in pregnancy. The boob_nazis largely rely on LAM (Lactation Awareness Method), meaning they don't worry about birth control until they get a period back, and with a very high success level. I hear people whining all the time that their kid is 18 months old or 27 months old and they have their period back now, or boo hoo they started them on solids and now at 10 months postpartum they are menstruating again. I've even heard of older women weaning their kids so that they can get pregnant again sooner.

Also, most couple have to "Try" to get pregnant for a few months before it happens.

I am in a situation, though, where I'm very young, already have several children, and could easily keep having one every year until I'm going through menopause or die in childbirth. What does this mean, from a spiritual standpoint? That I am a born mother who's meant to have a lot of children entrusted to me? That I am psycho to not have my tubes tied? Is there a point where "having faith and trusting the Lord" becomes complete insanity? That is not a very faithful thing to say. Surely I would quit having babies when there were no more out there for me the same way I didn't start until I was ready?

All I know is I have some seriously sagging abdominal muscles and some seriously scarred up abdominal skin, along with a big, newly crooked and expanded cesarian incision scar atop a uterus in who knows what condition, and that I do not ever want to have another needle put into my spine, PERIOD. I also know I have a misaligned pelvis that's making one of my legs longer than the other unless I'm having regular chiropractic adjustments and that that leads to weirdly assymetrical feet and a funky walk.

And of course I know that we are living with my father in law and 3 to a bedroom.

Which is nothing compared to most of the world or most of history; put in that context we are swimming in riches and should be counting ourselves blessed and willing to share abundantly. We are not 8 people in a mud hut - each of us has a bed, and a place to store all of our clothes, and many personal possessions.

Bah!

I need to sleep, and make a to do list for tomorrow, and clean the kitchen. In reverse order. Before I go, what do you all think of this teapot - http://cgi.ebay.com/RED-BURGUNDY-GLASS-TEAPOT-W-FILTER-BRAND-NEW-WWOWW_W0QQitemZ4437153405QQcategoryZ20634QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem I'm sort of assuming you can heat that stovetop and that it would pour easily without spillage, does anyone think I might be wrong?

Comments

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

I don't have tons of time to reply, but I did want to say that the LAM method relies almost completely on night-time nursing. A minimum of once every 3-4 hours, but that's pushing it. More like every 2-3 hours or less. Most of the BN's are heavy night-nurses with a lot of reverse cycling. Jake sleeps really well, which means that's probably why. LH produces at night while you sleep, so if you're producing prolactin then you'll shut it off. If you're not, you won't.

I got my fertility back immediately after Jericho, but Tempest sleeps through the night and only nurses a few times a day.
Since arriving here, she's nursed like... five times. Seriously. About five times in three days, and twice now has gone to bed without asking for "mah-bah". I feel like she's really heading down the weaning road. :(

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Aww :/

It makes sense that with Jake sleeping well I'd get fertility back quickly...but Isaac didn't sleep well. And Ananda nursed nonstop all night every night for the first 8 months that we co-slept - she literally woke up crying anytime she unlatched by accident!

This is actually really strange for me, that this time around I even have a disturbed cycle - I've previously been so regular while nursing. But I suppose the tandem action has got my prolactin in high gear.

[daveandmonika.livejournal.com]

I did not have SID, but my mom tells me that if I was a kid today they probably would have diagnosed me with ADD (which she doesn't fully think I had, just that that is what they would have diagnosed it as) I can totally relate to asking a question and then asking it again right away. The worst one was the time, because I would actually want to know what time it was, but by the time I was asking I was no longer listening and my brain had gone on to some other thing and 20 seconds later it would go "you know, I asked what time it was, but now I have no clue" and would turn back around to my mom and ask her what time it was again...or asking my dad where he was going. And it's not like I was a forgetful child (which Aaron doesn't seem to be either) I could sing entire songs after only hearing them a few times and retell movies with a lot of the dialog word for word after only viewing them once...sometimes your brain just doesn't do what you want it to.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

That's totally how Aaron is - he asks something and then he's done thinking about it, before you've even answered he's already moved on to a new topic of interest, mentally. Then he asks again, every time it occurs to him again - but each time it's the same thing.

on the whole god+# of kids thing...

[norwegian-wood.livejournal.com]

doesn't god give you free will? i was under the impression that not *everything* that happens is god's will. i mean, if a woman can successfully avoid pregnancy by a variety of church aceptable means, is that god's will? if a sexual 'mistake' is made that doesn't result in pregnancy, was that god's will? if a mistake is made that DOES result in pregnancy, is THAT god's will?

Re: on the whole god+# of kids thing...

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I believe that when you have sex and get pregnant, or when you have sex and don't - either way the conception part of it is God's will. NFP is "church sanctioned" partially because it's natural and doesn't rely on tampering with your body, partially because it entails periodic abstinence that the couple is supposed to use as a time to draw closer to God, and partially because it's understood that if God really wants you pregnant, you can still get pregnant - your cycle might be different that month, or you lose yourself in the heat of the moment on a fertile day, or sperm live longer than normal inside your body prior to ovulation, or whatever.

I don't believe that everything that happens is God's will, but I do believe he can stop or change anything as He chooses, and that our own free will is not meant to be a means of thwarting His or going against "the plan". Excercising our own choices through free will in a way that goes against God is basically the definition of sin; sin being something that separates you from God, and thus, being undesirable....I hate the feeling of knowingly going against the plan and turning my back on God to do as I want to. Even when it is more immediately convenient or "sensible" by secular standards it feels inherently wrong to me on so many levels, and leaves me uneasy and tense - it just sucks. Whereas, on the other hand, when I take the time to know what I should be doing and act accordingly, even if it is immediately VERY incovenient or NOT sensible by worldly standards, I still have a deep sense of peace and rightness that I prefer to the convenient sensibility.

I hope that makes some modicum of sense.

Is modicum a word?

Re: on the whole god+# of kids thing...

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

Ok, I'm finding myself starkly aware of the great divide between me actually believing these things and trying to explain them, and you hearing it as a lot of hooey. So I thought I would share some personal anecdotal stuff that you can probably relate to more easily.

When I got pregnant with Aaron I thought it was THE END OF THE WORLD. I was 18, newly single, trying to go to college and trying to pay my bills with my financial aid from the government. My little 15 year old sister was my only babysitter, my parents were unavailable on every level. The father was 16, unemployed and bitchy as all get out. I had been exclusively nursing and I was also on the mini-pill. I agonized for months over an abortion - FINALLY one day I just got the money and went. I had it scheduled. I walked in and sat down. I went back when they called me. The doctor started shoving my belly around and doing a papsmear and I was seized with this panicky feeling of "He's going to hurt the baby!" that made it very clear that I had no business being there. I left feeling lighter than I had in months, though still kinda freaked out. Relatives didn't find out about that pregnancy until I was like 7 1/2 months along.

I spent the rest of that pregnancy unable to believe what I had nearly done, while becoming very aware that he was a boy and feeling him kick up such a storm. I was still scared that he was going to completely ruin Ananda's life, but I also fell in love with him when he was born. And there were hard times, like crazy - financial, emotional, obviously it didn't work out with that original guy, etc.

But there have been SO MANY TIMES in the past 4 1/2 years that I have stopped to be thankful that it is God, and not me, who is in control. Because A and A are stuck together like glue, and I really think they have made a framework of stability that is unchanging no matter what else changes around them. They're best friends and sleep together every night. Aaron cracks me up and Jake idolizes him already. It's become very clear to me that I do not always no what's best for me.

I also freaked out about finding out I was pregnant with Isaac. So did Grant. He feels horribly guilty now. Both of us knew better than to do anything but feel blessed and be thankful when we found out about Jake.

Does this make any sense?

Re: on the whole god+# of kids thing...

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I should add that I'm left with the feeling of "Who do I not meet, if there aren't more?"

Because each of these kids is SO unique and complex...who do I elect doesn't get to exist - what am I missing out on?

[corin13.livejournal.com]

I never worry very much about taking away from my kids. I believe what JPII said about a brother or sister being the best gift you can give a child.

BUT
the body/health issues scare the crap out of me. I have HUGE issues of fear about leaving my kids prematurely or having to live handicapped in some way.

You might want to consider getting intouch with a fertility awareness instructor to help you decode your cycles.

[ariellejuliana.livejournal.com]

There are SO many things I could say about this post (mostly because they are questions I have myself, not because I know the answers), but for right now I will say two things:

1. I love that you have a tag "millions of babies" LOL!
2. PLEASE don't be sterilized. That's such a scary freak-out point for me. It's forbidden in my church, so not so much an issue for me, but I know so so so many people who have done it when they were SO SURE they were "done" having children, only to have it be their biggest regret later in life. If you look at the picture I posted in the comments to my "Hannah/Down's syndrome post", that family (the one where the mom had the last one at 46) really should only have three children in it. The dad had a vasectomy after #3, and several years later they REALLY regretted it and he had a reversal (which I'm sure you know has a very low success rate). They had those three sweet boys after that, and no one can imagine their family without them. They always would have felt incomplete as a family forever if that reversal hadn't worked.

Especially in your case, since you and Grant are so young, I could totally see a situation where you stopped having kids for awhile, and then decided to have two when you were like 38, when Jake is in high school and Annie's out of the house already. I know it's none of my business, and you've thought about all this already, but even the word "sterilization" freaks me out enough to give my unsolicited opinion :) Hope you don't mind.

[housepoet.livejournal.com]

deep tina. deep.

[(Anonymous)]

I have been giving serious consideration to the same question lately (whether or not I want more children), so I can totally relate. The only thing I can say is that you probably shouldn't have another as long as you are flip-flopping, because that probably means it's really not the right time for you. I know that doesn't help with choosing a method of contraception (or no method). By the same token, I think that having your tubes tied would be really wrong for you on several levels, just from reading your journal. I definitely think you would regret that later. I'm 35 and even if I decide not to go ahead with any more kids, I still would have trouble closing the door that way.

[rainbow-momma.livejournal.com]

When ever I read you I can see my thoughts in your writing.
My husband and I too struggle with using contraception or not, its so difficult. Its like we trust God with every aspect of our life but why don't we trust him with children? kwim
I can understand your concern esp with having another c-section. My first son was via c-section and it was horrible and very tramatic for me. I remember thinking that if our second child had to be born via c-section I didnt know how I could handle it, I wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to continue having children. Thank GOD he was born a successful VBAC. :)
I had huge breastfeeding issues and thats what scares me about having more children. I have major supply issues and with my last son just felt like my body has failed me. I put so much emotion into bf that thinking about having another child and going through that again is just exhuasting.
I really admire you as a mother. Honestly it seems like you are so great at what you do. Your children are very very lucky to have you.
:)

[gmommy.livejournal.com]

As always, catching up behind the eight ball. I so enjoy reading your entries, thank you for taking time to update even if it does mean you're up until 4:30am! I know the feeling. That's part of the reason my journal is rarely updated... so much to do, so little time - and I only have ONE kid!!

I really appreciated your thoughts on fertility. It's a tough call... we're "trying" for #2 and I'm so frustrated about not having my period since December AND not being pregnant. I have to stop myself from taking a test on a weekly basis!

Take care :: hugs :: :-)