What a bunch of hoohaw...

[altarflame]

Today is the freaking PITS. I don't even know where to start, my ranting will get too long. Suffice to say Isaac is having the same day he was having the last time I ranted, except that today he's getting into the garbage every few minutes and pouring out every drawer and bin he can get his hands on over and over again.

He's healthy, he's happy, he's cute. He's pretty bright and very affectionate. But he also has a horrible temper and no sense of boundaries at all. It seems kind of sensationalist to say that a 19 month old is "completely out of control". But damnitt he pays NO ATTENTION to anything I say to him, even if I yell or clap my hands together. The only way to get him to even pause in anything that he is doing is to physically stop him. I am seriously considering some baby gates (though they would only work with a bedroom, our house isn't set up for baby gates at all) or even a playpen (I've never even HAD a playpen...)

You can't leave him alone for a minute. Like, literally, a minute is far too long. If he ISN'T in the bathroom with me while I pee or outside the door screaming, I WILL come out to find him digging in the garbage, standing on top of the dining table, dumping something out everywhere, etc. Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon clearing his drag-and-drop clutter from the living room, the hallway, my and the kids' bedroom, and then vaccuming (that's all the carpeted areas of the house). It took so long because he was continuing to drag and drop the entire time I was doing it. Finally as I was vaccuming the last room, he ran out and I was just relieved. But in the time it took me to finish Aaron's play rug (the kind with roads and a city all over it), Isaac brought me a steak knife that he got out of the dishwasher. I almost started crying.

I almost started crying again today. I called Grant on his cell even though he had just ran to the grocery store around the corner, to tell him I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was forcing the kids to clean up their trashed room (that I just had spotless and vaccumed late yesterday), even though Isaac made the whole mess, and Aaron had already been crying twice because Isaac just kept running in there and undoing everything he tried to do. Which was really, really frustrating to me, as I was trying to hang up clothes and had already had to stop 6 or 7 times to get Isaac out of the freaking trash.

I've always favored pro-active over reactive parenting, and tried to anticipate things, plan ahead, etc. But I feel totally incapable of keeping ahead of him, especially right now (when it's hard to get up, I'm not as fast as normal, and I'm hormonal to boot...)

There is no way to adequately childproof this place for him. We have latches on the "dangerous" kitchen cabinet, and glass stuff up high, and outlet covers. We don't use the bottom 3 shelves of the pantry or the fridge door at all, and have removed all of our dvds from the living room after having to put them all back up on the rack twice a day for a month. There is a strict "bathroom door stays closed" rule that only gets accidentally broken rarely. But like the kids' room, I can't really put anything up high enough that he can't manage to get it, or they won't be able to, either. I can't suspend the garbage from the ceiling. I can't guard my pile of folded clothes while I go to run and sop up something he spilled, so he tears it all up and throws it everywhere while I'm out of the way. He DEMOLISHES Ananda's dollhouse every single day, it's part of her bedtime routine to go all over her room and the house getting the furniture and reassembling it.

Does anyone have any suggestions here? Short of tying him up or beating him? Because I've already thought of those options. Maybe I can start using his little feeding chair for timeouts and it will form a pavlov-style connection that will make him want to eat less...

ETA - He is not trying to get attention the only way he can...He's still nursing on demand and I sit down with him and read to him frequently throughout the day. Grant also does roughhouse-style play with him at least a couple of times a day. His attention span for books is improving, as well, and he's still learning new words and sometimes amazes me with the "conversations" we have - so I really don't think he has any actual comprehension or hearing problems, either. He just ignores me whenever convenient. We go out often enough that I wouldn't think he's bored out of his mind - we were just in a forest-y park where I let him pick up leaves and flowers and explore independantly for an hour, yesterday afternoon, and he was out running in the rain with the other two, the day before that. We take a walk with the stroller just about every day. SOIDGJ:OFJ"IOPJKM":LH}_+)_(#%

Comments

[babyslime.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*
These kids really, really test all you believe in - I know... Sometimes it's hard to try to remember why you're doing this.
I say definitely go for babygates. BUT, don't latch them directly on the floor, latch them about 6+ inches higher. He'll climb them too easily otherwise. Also prepare that he'll knock them over by flinging himself against them. What they are used for is a temporary blockade, and an alert system.

Do A&A's room have doors? If so, is there any way of putting a very cheap, child-friendly latch on the outside that they can undo (but can't lock themselves inside)? I know you can get the sliding latches at the hardware store for under $3 a piece and they just screw in.

You might also want to think about Ikea shelves. The $20-$25 ones. They assemble in about 15 minutes flat, are kind of rickety, but he can't climb them, they're fully adjustable and you can put LOTS of stuff on them out of his way. We have about three of them, and we use them for stuff like blankets, towels, etc. We have no closets in this house (seriously) so we have to improvise - but this also keeps stuff well out of her way. Our worst right now is counters so we imposed the "12 inch rule". Anything we don't want her to get at has to be 12 inches back on a counter surface, it doesn't matter how tall or short we think she is. If it's not 12 inches back, it's okay for her to get and we can't freak out. Stuff that's not 12 inches back includes paper and pencils (but not pens).

If she's destroyed something or took something from where it belonged, I have HER put it back where it goes. Sometimes I had to do this 30 times before she started realizing where it goes. Now she knows what I mean when I say, "Put that back, please". Sometimes she really doesn't want to, and throws a hissy fit, but I insist she do it herself so the message is clear. This has really helped a lot of her grabbing/taking issues with certain things. PArticularly SHOES, pens, clothes out of her drawers (I make her put them back and close the drawer, then I tell her that clothes belong in the drawer) and so on.
At first I had to physically lead her back and have her drop it, sometimes guiding her hand and putting it down. As I go I say, "The x has to stay there, please don't move it. It stays there." etc etc. It does eventually work, but it takes some patience, particularly with these types of kids.
Tempest doesn't do it 100%, of course - but at least she knows what I mean now and will almost always go put it back when I Ask her to.

[mommydama.livejournal.com]

While I don't think time-out (more of a sit and watch thing at this stage) is out of the question, I think the thing that has worked the best for Luci is just outlasting her. I think the sit and watch thing works best for things like hitting, biting, kicking, etc, kind of a "you hit, you sit" type thing. After Luci was about 15 mos, I gave up on distraction. It just did not work. I don't care what anyone says, she was not distractable. If she was climbing the shelves, I stood right there and every time she tried it, I pulled her down and said "Get down, please. You could fall and get hurt." Over and over. I outlasted her. Sometimes, I shortened this to a "No. Stay down." Over and over. Fifty or hundred or a thousand repetitions. This was the only way she got it. And I second the having him clean up his messes thing. If Luci dumped something out, she picked it up even if I had to stand there and put her hand on each thing kicking and screaming. Outlast. 100% consistancy and everytime I've lapsed, she is "out of control" again. And I lapse a lot and resort to "wrong" methods, she gets even worse. When Luci about 18 mos, I took about two weeks and gave up on everything else (like housework) and focused almost entirely on helping her learn some boundaries. Because I gave her that time, I was able to remain much more postive about it. It was really helpful actually. I know you might not be able to do that right now, but just wanted to throw that out there. I've lapsed in my consistancy since then many times, but the groundwork that was laid then has been really useful.

I think babyslime had some great suggestions for using babygates and door latches. Luci figured out those things that go over door knobs to make it hard to turn them in nothing flat. But latches like those sliding ones, just out of her reach might have been really nice.

He's at a really tough age for a high energy, strong willed (meant in a good way) kid. We are still realing from Luci's toddler hood and I'm just starting to see the light at the end of that particular tunnel. I know their are tough stages ahead too. But like I've told my mother, if I can teach this child self-control and help her be successful, she could change the world. She is that stubborn, she would never give up.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think that you are absolutely right about outlasting them. Aaron had trying toddler times too - though not to this extent - and that's all it ever was...one day, they don't cry in the carseat/stand on the table/run out the front door everytime anymore. Not because you magically did one thing right, but because you've finally told them a billion consistent times and they are finally old enough to quit it.

Sometimes I just really WANT a magical, right now solution, of course. He is harder to wait out than the others were. I try to comfort myself with what you said, though - he'll be able to do ANYTHING when he's older, including take over the world :p

[sillyboho.livejournal.com]

floating shelves. i got some at home depot for about $12 each. these are big 6ft long 1ft wide shelves. i keep all the non-baby ok things in my living room on them. i keep a babygate on my office door. other than that, my whole house is babyproofed within an inch of it's life. my son is a little over two.

i dunno if you do, but i have problems with MINE. everything is MINE MINE MINE. so what i do is agree. and i ask him if he'll share. if yes, i tell him what a good boy he is, if not, i tell him cranky babies have time outs. or cranky babies go inside, if we're out. he loves to be outside. but time outs is just us sitting in the bedroom with the door closed not playing for 2 or 3 minutes. sometimes if it's a really bad day he'll bang on the door and dry the whole time. i have those childproof knob covers so he can't open the door. it took about a week, but now he just sits on the floor and glares, or we nurse.

but seriously, agreeing everythign is his, and saying how nice he is to share works SO MUCH better than agrueing with him about whose is what. he was gettign hysterical over toys/cups/eerything. we went hikeing the otehr day and the moutnians were his. the rocks were his. the cactus was his. the sky was his. once we established that, he strode around like a little king, occasioanlly proclaiming "mine!" he's a leo with a taurus rising. i'm handling him by appealing to his ego. what's your son's sign?

most kids i sit (age 6+) can use the knobs fine.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

We do have floating shelves in our bedroom, and they are great. We have a very limited capacity to alter the rest of the house, though (as far as like getting rid of the climbable furniture or rearranging all kitchen storage) because we share the house with our father in law, who was here first and owns it.

I've never really dealt with the "mine" thing, and I think I'm glad, because I would have a hard time dealing with telling a child everything belonged to them - even if they were willing to share!

Isaac is a pisces on the cusp of aquarius.

And he can't reach/use doorknobs yet, so that's not too big of an issue. We just can't consistently keep every door in the house closed with the other two kids coming in and out of places all day.

[sillyboho.livejournal.com]

well, it isn't very helpful, but here's what i know about pisces.. they are bossy, dramatic, sweet and helpful. they are mercurial and temperate at the same time. pisces abhor scehjdukling, they want to do things in their won time. they have killer imaginations, and love games of play pretend.

maybe try a less ordered approach to him, and when you do absolutly need to him to something, make it an elaborate game fo pretend?

aquarians are loony. so you have a loony mercurial control freak! woo!

feel free to ingore me. i'd suggest reading up on pisces online to get some more insight.

[sillyboho.livejournal.com]

it was easy once i remebered he was a leo. a lion. a vain, bossy little king with a sweet heart who wants to please. apeal to his ego and he'll do anythign for ya!

and taraus is stubborn as hell. so he's a stubborn little king.

[norwegian-wood.livejournal.com]

sounds like 99% of your problem is insufficient baby proofing! if you fix that, you will be mad less, and he won't be in trouble as much. when echo was litler, we would stack the kitchen cairs (one upside down on top of another) when not in use to avoid table climbing. you can "no" yourself to death at this age, and you'll accomplish little, if anything. you've gotta remove all temptation!

get a different garbage storage system. get a can that fits in a pantry, or under a child locked cabinet. thin out the toy supply. make all the kids combined stuff take up no more space than a small hamper. bag up the rest and rotate it. i think they sell dishwasher locks too.

maybe he needs to take that walk sans stroller, and run off some energy!

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I hear you, but at the same time this house is more babyproofed than my place ever was when A or A were at this stage, and I feel like anything else I can do to further bp it will cramp their style more than I'm comfortable with or think is fair. For instance, they spend A LOT of time throughout the day sitting on the kitchen chairs doing art projects, making up pretend stories and working on school stuff. I don't think there is an hour that passes that one of them isn't using one - I don't feel like it's right to stack them up to where they can't do that, and I'm not willing to unstack and restack 15 times a day. They already clean up after him a lot and wait for times when he's napping or down for the night to use some of their toys - like blocks and train sets he can ransack - I'm not gonna pack away most of their toys, on top of that. They use their dress up clothes, stuffed animals, balls, cars, dolls, etc everyday (literally...none of it is filler that sits). Likewise they are awesome about keeping the bathroom door shut at all times - I'm not going to start being a nazi about every other door in the house as well, as if they're to blame when he's out of control...does this make sense to you?

I feel that "no" in and of itself does little at this age, but explanations and guided clean-ups and proactive mothering often do a lot. I think 19 months is old enough to learn some limits...A baby who is just crawling can't be expected to be within reach of anything even mildly off limits, but he's been walking well for almost a year and climbing/running at least half that long...I feel like it's important for him to understand that you can't do anything you want. No, the glass shouldn't be on the floor or the edge of the cabinet, but by the same token he should be learning not to go get something to use as a stool, finaggle his way up onto the high surface and then throw it down just to watch it break, about now. While I don't buy into the idea of small children manipulating their parents, I also don't think no longer using glasses and throwing out anything portable that can be stepped up on is sending him the right message.

In the end I just try to remember that Aaron used to climb on the table, Ananda used to have tantrums about car rides...as time passes they grow out of things, and in the meantime you just have to be patient and consistent so that they do.

[norwegian-wood.livejournal.com]

could you get one of those smaller tables for them? or block off a work area with baby gates?
i'm sure they can understand they're not being punished, but instead having their stuff protectd, right? i'm only saying because i hate to see you going nuts trying to find a solution, especially with a new baby. he will learn limits, but it may be months before he is able to consistently stick to them. they do grow out of things, so any rearranging you do would only have to be for a few more months - for instance, we always kept the bathroom doors shut when echo was his age and younger, but we don't have to anymore - nor do we have to stack the chairs to keep her off the table...at his age, 'time out's', hand clapping, raised voices and no's often don't really do shit - especially to a kid with an intact spirit like issac :)
you have overcome bigger issues than this, and i am confident that you will make it through.

[tikizeekbaby.livejournal.com]

Unfortunatley, I have to say I agree with ALL the ladies... there is no one way, in particular the comments about "outlasting" and "consistency" ring true, unfortunatley for you, who I know has got to be physically exhausted at this stage. Patience to you!

[lilith-storm.livejournal.com]

(((HUGS))) I wish I had an answer for you. If you ever get it figered out let me know. My 18 month old is a whirling disaster that does me much the same way. He gets into everytihng, even things that are "baby-proofed", he ignores, throws tantrums, hits/bites/claws/kicks, and anything else.

Sigh

Just keep reminding yourself that it's just a phase, it's just a phase.