altarflame: (Default)
Even though I think the good has outweighed the bad in his particular case, sometimes I really, really cannot deal with the (terrible) quality of teaching at Isaac's school. Keeping in mind that this is far and away better than the regular public schools in our area and that it's a waitlisted place with mandatory volunteer hours from parents, small class sizes, and so on - it's still bullshit. It's totally test-based, institutionalized, cringe worthy school :/ You may remember things like that list of vocabulary definitions he brought home that totally disregarded past vs present tense, singular vs plural, and more, or the hilariously stupid requests they make. I want to assure you these are consistent themes and not stand alone examples :/ I didn't talk, for instance, about how they all wore sombreros to represent their class's country - Guatemala - for "multicultural day"...even though that's THE WRONG COUNTRY for sombreros and people in Guatemala actually wear totally different hats. This, keeping in mind that because of where we live, Isaac's class actually has Mexican and Guatemalan children in it whose parents understand that this is being done all wrong.

Yesterday he brought home a few paragraphs about Dr Martin Luther King, Jr, to read and then answer questions about. The passage said that he was born on this date, he was most known for his work in the Civil Rights Movement, he was a Baptist minister and a good speaker, he was loved by many people but shot by one on this other date, which is when he died. It mentioned he had won the Nobel Peace Prize and that he was only the second person after George Washington to have a national holiday named for him.

Isaac read this, and pulled out the relevant fill-in-the-blank and multiple choice plugs for the holes in the questions (When was MLK shot? 1964. Why did he get the Nobel Peace Prize? For his work in the Civil Rights Movement). He was happy that he'd completed the assignment and he'd done it to an "A" standard, and eager to move on to jumping on the trampoline. His teachers would be happy that he's one step closer to being able to ace the FCAT, which is loaded with these kinds of "reading comprehension" questions Isaac has learned the magical formula for answering.

READING COMPREHENSION, now, chew on that -

He had NO FUCKING IDEA what the Civil Rights Movement was, or the Nobel Peace Prize, or even what it means to be a Baptist! When questioned it turned out he didn't realize anything in the story had anything to do with racism or that MLK got shot for reasons relevant to how he lived his life, by someone angry at his public actions. HE DIDN'T REALIZE MLK WAS BLACK.

Which makes sense, since none of that was mentioned in the passage, and his teachers didn't talk about it in class, either. This kinda stuff drives me crazy. It really does.

Of course I explained all those "extra" things to him, in simplistic terms that only took a couple of minutes at most, and I guess that's how I keep from stabbing my own eyeball out with a fork - by supplementing everything they do with him as much as time and resources comfortably allow for. He had some context to latch the knowledge on to, since Grant had explained slavery to him some months back and he has knowledge of other Christian denominations and so on. I just think about kids who don't really get talked to at home, going in there and getting the unsupplemented version, and my head almost explodes.

I honestly worry that they're teaching him to read in the most shallow and surface level way possible, and to not even notice he has no idea what any of it actually is.

They do also read fiction and explore that a little more, and are on their third book of the year as a class - and he does get lost in that a little more and come home talking about the stories (Frindle, 3000 Cows for America or something like that, and Because of Winn Dixie, so far).

Wow I just looked it up and it's 14 Cows for America...that's kind of hilarious. Lol.




Enough ranting and raving, I guess, I have Things To Do today. Like apply to UM and FIU, and the University of Maryland, and update my FAFSA info for the new year, and update my Goodreads author page with all the books I've read so it actually starts to get traffic.




And, oh yeah, speaking of that sort of thing - I do actually have a book out ;) It's a collection of fictional short stories, if you're new, that I wrote in many separate purging furies like a woman possessed, while dealing with my then-new PTSD. There are (intentional and unintentional) funny moments, explicit scenes, thought provoking ideas and a little bit of gore in it.


Click For More

I would most definitely appreciate reviews, honest ones, brief or long ones - Amazon ranks books in search results and category lists according to numbers of reviews regardless of their content.
altarflame: (Default)
I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. I'm doing things like eating a lot of ice cream and drinking a lot of wine every night, to try to breathe through it or something. I mean.

There's SO MUCH going on. IT'S FUCKING CRAZY. And Grant is out of state all week, and was out of state half of last week, and is like, NOT HERE, when he's "here", for the last few months - I am just so incredibly burnt out, in some ways. I could seriously use a break from being the one in charge of home repair; auto maintenance; all budgeting and bill paying; raising/educating/dealing with medical crap for five kids; cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping for 7 - while trying to go to school and be a writer....

Then other ways I'm doing really well.

I spent the entire day, today, doing things like sitting on hold with the school board while I tried to figure out Amazon's author page criteria and helped Jake film his K'Nex creation, or going through REALLY CROWDED stores for school supplies and uniforms with everyone while making appointments and realizing my scheduled things overlap.

Kathy's coming to dinner tomorrow night, for instance, but tomorrow night is orientation at Isaac and Elise's school.

That school, and Annie's and Aaron's virtual school both call me twice a day each because the home education office is dragging it's feet getting to me out of the pile, on all kinds of forms various people need.

I realized after the fact that I scheduled Isaac's gastro appt for a time I have class. But I also realized it'll be easy to get all his (NICU, appendectomy, ER) records from Miami Children's Hospital before his appt since Aaron's appt is at Miami Children's, first. Win some and lose some, eh?

I'm really worried about Aaron, he's so uncharacteristically lethargic and low appetite and needy, and has been for awhile, and part of me gets pretty freaked worrying that maybe my non-interventive pediatrician could be a bad thing in this case :/ He needs a lot of extra love. It's only 5 more days til his appt at the Infectious Disease office, is my chanted mantra...

Our van is making a NEW noise. And I am going against all the advice my mechanic father ever gave me, and blatantly ignoring it, because I can't afford to do anything about it for at least another couple of weeks. We're still making payments on the LAST van noise...

My book is sort of out (this is me acting like this isn't a big deal as a defense mechanism). My publisher is ordering a copy of it to test for formatting errors because they had issues with the printer last time and that author ended up with like three unintentionally bolded pages and it was a fiasco to get it all changed (we're using Amazon's Print on Demand for mail order and batches from a printer for events and local book stores). But Grant shared the link I sent him on fb and now, as a result, I've got a ton of people ordering it even though it's not really ready to be ordered, exactly, possibly :p Hopefully it is? And I'm trying to wrap my head around the, "I just ordered it!!" comments rolling in via fb and text from:

-Dance Empire moms
-PATH board members
-my mother
-old high school friends
-old camp friends
-aunts and cousins
-some guy Grant worked with 2 years ago who used to make me nuts

And so on. Each is problematic in it's own way, and the conglomeration felt like I was "coming out" (as a lunatic) and had me cramping and running to the bathroom with stomach problems.

Because, you know, that is the glamorous life of a published author.

I will be pimping this link all over the place soon, here and on tumblr and through various friends and connections...after we've reviewed the proof. There will also be a Kindle version available by then.

This week is so up and down. Today I feel confident that I got a ton accomplished and really made the childrens' day great, too. There have been days when I do almost nothing and hide from reality, though, and/or spend affectionate time with them that involves no productivity and a trip through the Wendy's drive thru at 9pm for dinner.




Ok, I was waylaid by Isaac being adorable - reading in bed and snuggling with cats - he lured me in and now I've spent too long trying to decide whether to go to sleep for the night or do a bunch of cleaning and interview-finishing...it's time to just sleep so tomorrow isn't a bust.
altarflame: (Default)
Well, I have realized some hard truths today, about some really cowardly and manipulative ways I've been acting. I haven't been doing it consciously, exactly, but I have certainly not been doing a lot of self examining or making a big effort to consider the things coming out of my mouth. *sigh*

I am not proud of my tendency to regress to back pedaling, passive aggressive, overly controlling horseshit. Sometimes I am EXTREMELY over this multi-layered and indirect brain I have.

But I think - I hope...that I'm getting better, as I get older, and weed things out of myself one by one.

Let's just say my day involved some apologies via skype and I'm starting from scratch, in some regards.




I am extremely overwhelmed by Monday being the first day of school. Six days....SIX days, to:

-get Ananda's and Aaron's evaluation stuff together, their evaluations scheduled and paid for
-their homeschool forms submitted to the Florida Virtual School
-buy all of Isaac and Elise's uniforms
-and copious remaining school supplies
-have our homeschool year ready
-work out WHY the independent verification form I submitted MONTHS ago is STILL "received pending verification" holding up my financial aid, such that I cannot acquire my textbooks
-finish printing, filling out and mailing a fucking novel's worth of forms, for Greater Miami Youth Symphony, Thomas Armour Youth Ballet, this martial arts place for Jake....

Ugh. I also have to figure out the name of the really good pediatric gastroenterologist by Baptist, and find our new insurance cards that came in the mail and then disappeared (before Aaron goes to Infectious Disease to get tested for mono on Tuesday).

To say I am off my game is an understatement. My kitchen is actually eating the rest of the house.

I also have all these pending book review site interviews and pictures, to make happen, and my book is supposed to be out, like, in the next 24 hours, and on Saturday I'm supposed to be at the Bird Road Art Walk promoting it with a booth of authors.




I am a little confused. No. I am profoundly, massively confused, about Christianity and religion in general. One thing that is abundantly clear, is that I am a better person when I am a practicing Christian. I don't think practicing Christianity is the only way for me to consistently self examine, or strive to help and to love and to meditate and to find ritual and strength for daily tasks even when those things don't come naturally, or to study wise words often and seek out the sacred - but I haven't found an alternate discipline or methodology as things stand and so without it, I am thus far a less effective person all around.

I'm also radically less conflicted. It's a mixed bag.

I wouldn't really say I'm not Christian anymore, but I have lapsed and that goes deeper than laziness.




SO. It's just me and the kids until Friday, aside from some cool social calls - I went out with Laura for a little while yesterday evening, and then Gloria came over around midnight and we shared a wheel of baked brie and a bottle and a half of wine and talked and laughed and showed each other stupid shit on the internet and periodically cried until 5:30 in the morning, when she went home to feed her hungry cats.

Thursday, Kathy's coming over, for the stated purpose of picking my brain about cloth diapers and slings - but I have no doubt that will turn into a 7 hour conversation, and that I will love it.




We are seriously contemplating moving to Maryland. This is the fourth moving option we've had on the table with Grant's job. Ft. Lauderdale is an ongoing consideration that will probably happen in the next year or so if we stay in Florida. Fargo, ND and Atlanta, GA were both non-considerations because, no. But Maryland? We'd be close to D.C. WAY more walking and public transit. BEAUTIFUL area. LOTS of free stuff to do. And...through who knows what serendipity based on hospital position transfers and housemates...we would be moving to the same subsection of the same town as Kristin and her kids. This is good because they're awesome, but it's also good because Kristin has spent the last several months playing this area up to me, trying to convince me we should visit often, basically gushing about how badass living there is gonna be. So that's somewhat compelling. Grant is at the Maryland office right now.

I have "stuff to do," here in South Florida in the next few months, though. After the ArtWalk I'm supposed to have some kind of Books and Books event and my book has been submitted to the Miami Book Fair - which is AWESOME. I want to get it around to local libraries, too. I suppose it would be nice to do the equivalent sort of local promoting in a new state, as well :) But I also have one more semester at Miami Dade before I graduate in December. I kinda wanted my surgery done down here, as well...when I do research I tend to like the Miami galleries better than general ones from around the country, which may or may not have something to do with hispanic women's bodies/hispanic doctors' preferences...

That DC part of the country, near Dama's house, was my favorite out of the whole eastern seaboard on the way up and down the coast in 2007. It would be neat to have seasons for awhile, WITHOUT that unbearable, still-sleeting-daily-in-May New England business we were dealing with...
altarflame: (Default)
So, I'm getting more and more tumblr questions and lj comments and facebook messages about my book, which is really wonderful, but it's also grating on me in this unexpected way...

Maybe because I'm not really used to achieving any kind of personal success unrelated to other people.

Maybe because I wasn't really taught that long term rewards are achievable.

Maybe because I've talked a lot of shit on here for a lot of years about my writing and now THIS is the first thing that's gonna be out there to represent it and this is good writing, in it's way, it really is, I'm proud of it - it's just also insane and not for everyone.

I'm just....thinking about my neighbors, and other PATH moms, and my mother in law and aunts and cousins leafing through it, dance moms and my teachers and it kind of makes me want to hide my head under a pillow until I'm old. I think I would ideally have every single person I will never encounter IRL read it.

You're either in or you're out, right? I'm in.

It's just, somewhere in between answering a bunch of interview questions for my publisher yesterday and seeing the cover pop up on my dash because Bobby reblogged it I was like, alright. I'm not going to throw up. Really I'm not. Lol, geez. It just hit me, You are choosing to publish the contents of your head.

And I wrote this ridiculous bullshit yesterday, spontaneously and like vomiting through the keyboard like all of Twenty Troubled Ladies went for me...and I'm just looking at it, like, really? This is what comes out of your head and through your fingers? THIS? This is the contents of your head...

I'm doing a lot of narrative nonfiction, and working on my children's books, just lately, and have been thinking it's sort of odd that the way time is, and production is, I would always be working on totally different stuff by the time something from years before was getting released (you know, assuming other things get released...)

Except apparently I'm still gonna periodically write totally gritty and psychotic short stories.




I am pretty pleased with this past semester of school now that it's over. It's the worst grades I've gotten so far, but it proved to me that even when the shit hits the fan and school can't be a priority, I can still keep going and make it work. January-April for me was like,

-CPS and cops at my house about Isaac counseling issues (everything resolved and closed quickly and without repercussion, but holy shit), and kicking Bob out and moving bedrooms around, and so many phone calls and forms
-Taking Isaac to Kendall and Hialeah multiple times per week for hours at a time, and twice an entire day, when Grant and I weren't interviewing with someone, or filling out packets, or making my sister fill out packets, for his counseling and his psych eval
-getting rear ended and having whiplash - trips to my insurance place and meeting their inspector and sitting on the phone, trips to the chiro, and CONSTANT PAIN and reduced range of motion, for weeks....(thank God that seems to be over)
-ER trip for my hernia and subsequent surgical consultations triggering the fuck out of my PTSD and putting me into a severe dissociative funk
-Bronchitis so bad I ended up at the hospital for it, and on an inhaler for the first time in my life
-Getting ACCEPTED FOR PUBLICATION and spending seriously countless hours on the phone and via email with publisher contact going over cover choices, pseudonym merits, story order, dedications, intro, fonts, my bio, their marketing, interview questions and answers, and tracking down my wayward fucking diva artist for permission to use his images, and having ANNE RICE say she'll read and review my book and having a heart attack....
-Aaron's glands swelling to chipmunk proportions and requiring multiple doctor visits and tons of meds
-walking my mother through my grandmother being put in a home and my grandfather going through open heart surgery that went badly, then ok, and now how to navigate them being in this center together and eventually (hopefully?) going home. Which reminds me I need to get the freakin' cards the kids made them in the mail...
-finding out my financial aid was flagged and cancelled and bullshit AGAIN and tediously plowing through bureaucracy AGAIN to be able to pay for school
-getting offered a refinance rather than foreclosure option for our house that we couldn't afford and my husband basically having a nervous breakdown and putting all the finances totally in my hands (as in, he doesn't even wanna know) and pulling us through that, with the help of selling crap, "manifesting" near miraculous things, and a certain Wright Bank family benefactor (that means Shaun).
-Aaron attended 12 weeks of acting classes and was then part of a performance we all went to, Ananda and Elise sold Girl Scout cookies, Jake learned to ride a bike without training wheels, Laura had a baby....
-I even hung out with/caught up with Kathy multiple times, and met up with Jess and Cale for two different cool nights in Miami and some good phone calls, and spent stolen minutes with Kristin at the bike rack and in our kitchens!

I also think Grant and I might have been nearly killed on the beach, and holy shit can I just say that looking at that list right now is making me give my monitor a severe side-eye because WHAT THE FUCK is the matter with the past few months?!

Point being, I did not drop out, or miss too many classes, or withdraw from or fail anything, NOT EVEN ALGEBRA - which I am now done with, forever.

Humanities - A
Computer Crap - B <---That's really what they call it, isn't that crazy?
Spanish - B
Algebra - C

I'm in like Flynn, it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm gonna get the fuck out of this degree. I'm gonna get STRAIGHT As again if my life ever calms down, but if it doesn't, things'll work out.

One thing this semester did teach me, is that it is ludicrous and impossible for me to go to UM's med school and enter the Extremely Rigorous neuroscience program. But, I am mostly ok with that, and it will probably be there when my kids are grown, right?

I also managed to finagle full scholarships for all five kids to go to Greater Miami Youth Symphony day camp; 2 two week sessions of beginner for Isaac, Jake and Elise and 6 weeks of intermediate for Ananda and Aaron. I think A and A are gonna have a really great time this year; there are PATH friends and Girl Scout troop members who will be there with them.




+20, some of which will be repeats if you've been looking at my fb/tumblr )

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