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Confession
Aug. 9th, 2005 05:05 pmAll day yesterday and the day before - all this past week - I've been running from praying, from even thinking of God. I've been eating badly for the first time in a LONG TIME, getting way impatient with the kids, I've even started to slip into old mental habits I don't want to get into.
Yesterday evening I drug myself kicking and screaming to devotional time, and although it was interrupted who knows how many times, my pen kept skipping, and so forth...it really helped. A lot. I still felt tired, and also like things would be back to crap soon after...but they weren't. I asked for certain things that made me feel like I was in one of my old normal ruts - help with temptation with food, to be kept from sitting idle for hours and then regretting it, all kinds of things. To put my mind right, to make MY LIFE as it is, full of blessings and overflowing with goodness, seem like enough (as it is).
Well, who knew. I read the parable of the mustard seed and I asked for some faith, and to "help my unbelief", and even though I didn't believe it, today has been so different from other days in the past week. Even last night was. The kids and I got their room clean again, and it was a cooperative effort, not some sort of headache. But really today. I've done a couple of loads of laundry, a load of dishes, cleaned the counters - I got everyone strawberry shortcake for breakfast and bruschetta for lunch and dinner is planned. The kids have done arts and crafts and workbooks, Isaac had a good nap, and I've made significant progress on this custom order I'm working on. We were outside a little while ago, weeding the garden, and I started to feel grateful. I've been thinking I should be grateful since last night, when I was reading the children Aesop's Fables and then getting a backrub...but I actually started to FEEL grateful outside, late this afternoon.
So the kids jumped on the trampoline while I sat supervising Isaac's running around backyard play, and I sang "Hallelujah" and really meant it. Because it feels like I slipped, but got right back up. Which means I went almost an entire year, without slipping, and that it was only a week when it happened. Maybe some things - wasting massive amounts of time on a daily basis daydreaming nonsense, eating badly and being chronically overweight, dodging God, mood swinging like a freak - are really behind me. Maybe things like follow through and consistency don't just happen to other people. Perhaps self-discipline or restraint are more than just ideas I could never actually practice.
Yesterday evening I drug myself kicking and screaming to devotional time, and although it was interrupted who knows how many times, my pen kept skipping, and so forth...it really helped. A lot. I still felt tired, and also like things would be back to crap soon after...but they weren't. I asked for certain things that made me feel like I was in one of my old normal ruts - help with temptation with food, to be kept from sitting idle for hours and then regretting it, all kinds of things. To put my mind right, to make MY LIFE as it is, full of blessings and overflowing with goodness, seem like enough (as it is).
Well, who knew. I read the parable of the mustard seed and I asked for some faith, and to "help my unbelief", and even though I didn't believe it, today has been so different from other days in the past week. Even last night was. The kids and I got their room clean again, and it was a cooperative effort, not some sort of headache. But really today. I've done a couple of loads of laundry, a load of dishes, cleaned the counters - I got everyone strawberry shortcake for breakfast and bruschetta for lunch and dinner is planned. The kids have done arts and crafts and workbooks, Isaac had a good nap, and I've made significant progress on this custom order I'm working on. We were outside a little while ago, weeding the garden, and I started to feel grateful. I've been thinking I should be grateful since last night, when I was reading the children Aesop's Fables and then getting a backrub...but I actually started to FEEL grateful outside, late this afternoon.
So the kids jumped on the trampoline while I sat supervising Isaac's running around backyard play, and I sang "Hallelujah" and really meant it. Because it feels like I slipped, but got right back up. Which means I went almost an entire year, without slipping, and that it was only a week when it happened. Maybe some things - wasting massive amounts of time on a daily basis daydreaming nonsense, eating badly and being chronically overweight, dodging God, mood swinging like a freak - are really behind me. Maybe things like follow through and consistency don't just happen to other people. Perhaps self-discipline or restraint are more than just ideas I could never actually practice.
