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Oct. 4th, 2008 04:11 amMy sister told me late last night that she was having some pretty major marital problems. I was really, really stressed on her behalf.
I woke up this morning and my period was just outdoing itself. It was 3.5 days in, and yet I had to mop the bathroom after going in there. Real insanity, I am talking about puddles of blood, and tracking footprints... I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for next week, and I feel so nervous and shook up about it - I mean it was like somebody had been stabbed to death in my bathroom, on the day when it's normally tapering off to spotting. There's definitely no chance of miscarriage, either - I've always known right away, like within days, when I've been pregnant, and G and I are not taking any chances. It's just...weirdly floodlike.
And my mother. Well. *sigh* I've been on some kind of adrenaline high for the past 5 hours, thinking about how to deal with this situation with her. I had a long conversation with my dad and while he didn't have any real useful advice, it was helpful to just talk to him.
It's been raining for hours. I broke my diet and ate a bunch tonight. It was healthy food (leftover chicken and brussels sprouts and brocoli) in more-reasonable-than-I'd-normally-do amounts, but it was still against the rules. I've already forgiven myself because I needed fuel for emotional turmoil and extended consciousness...I have faith I can be back on the wagon tomorrow. Which is a pretty big step in the right direction.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
What I want more than anything is just to work on my knitting in peace, and methodically clean my house while talking with and getting help from my children. I'm currently knitting this simple sundress for Elise, but in a more purplish fuschia color, with a dark pink trim...
I have a pretty major idea that my day will not go down that way, though - partially because Ananda has ballet and musical theater tomorrow, and partially because there is some major mama drama I have to see through tomorrow. My little sister and brother are counting on me to take care of it. My mom will be leaning on me to take care of it. I am worried about her. Worried like, this could be really bad. I'm sorry to be so cryptic. But it's all I can do right now.
I have tried to comfort myself by spending an obscene amount of money on advance birthday presents for Jake and Grant and early Christmas presents for everyone. The new Homestead Kohl's, Target, online ordering. It works, sort of, a little. Mostly it just reminds me to try to hoarde money wherever I can as the economy nosedives.
My devotional journal is better for comfort. I finally got it back out for the first time in months today. I wish I could just go live at church. Ah, camp, how sweet you sound to me now that I'm grown. I think I will need Mass and protestant worship on Sunday. Maybe I can start going to early Mass on weekdays. It really helps me, tremendously so.
Actually all of a sudden God seems like the very simple, very obvious answer to all of my problems. And everyone elses'. Funny how that always sneaks up and surprises me...again.
I woke up this morning and my period was just outdoing itself. It was 3.5 days in, and yet I had to mop the bathroom after going in there. Real insanity, I am talking about puddles of blood, and tracking footprints... I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for next week, and I feel so nervous and shook up about it - I mean it was like somebody had been stabbed to death in my bathroom, on the day when it's normally tapering off to spotting. There's definitely no chance of miscarriage, either - I've always known right away, like within days, when I've been pregnant, and G and I are not taking any chances. It's just...weirdly floodlike.
And my mother. Well. *sigh* I've been on some kind of adrenaline high for the past 5 hours, thinking about how to deal with this situation with her. I had a long conversation with my dad and while he didn't have any real useful advice, it was helpful to just talk to him.
It's been raining for hours. I broke my diet and ate a bunch tonight. It was healthy food (leftover chicken and brussels sprouts and brocoli) in more-reasonable-than-I'd-normally-do amounts, but it was still against the rules. I've already forgiven myself because I needed fuel for emotional turmoil and extended consciousness...I have faith I can be back on the wagon tomorrow. Which is a pretty big step in the right direction.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
What I want more than anything is just to work on my knitting in peace, and methodically clean my house while talking with and getting help from my children. I'm currently knitting this simple sundress for Elise, but in a more purplish fuschia color, with a dark pink trim...
I have a pretty major idea that my day will not go down that way, though - partially because Ananda has ballet and musical theater tomorrow, and partially because there is some major mama drama I have to see through tomorrow. My little sister and brother are counting on me to take care of it. My mom will be leaning on me to take care of it. I am worried about her. Worried like, this could be really bad. I'm sorry to be so cryptic. But it's all I can do right now.
I have tried to comfort myself by spending an obscene amount of money on advance birthday presents for Jake and Grant and early Christmas presents for everyone. The new Homestead Kohl's, Target, online ordering. It works, sort of, a little. Mostly it just reminds me to try to hoarde money wherever I can as the economy nosedives.
My devotional journal is better for comfort. I finally got it back out for the first time in months today. I wish I could just go live at church. Ah, camp, how sweet you sound to me now that I'm grown. I think I will need Mass and protestant worship on Sunday. Maybe I can start going to early Mass on weekdays. It really helps me, tremendously so.
Actually all of a sudden God seems like the very simple, very obvious answer to all of my problems. And everyone elses'. Funny how that always sneaks up and surprises me...again.
