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Get ready, I'm kicking it old school
Oct. 17th, 2008 02:18 amI had 8 crappy phone conversations today.
Six of them were from and to my doctor's office re: my test results. I have benign tumors on one ovary that they want to follow up on with a second ultrasound in 4-6 weeks, is the gist, but with all the details in hand and too much time googling hemmoragic and free fluid and this and the other thing, I had a lot of questions and basically nobody wants to answer them. As I understand it right now, it's very normal to have cysts on an ovary, though it may be causing some of my abdominal pain and bloating, and it could be either the cause of or the result of my heavy periods. But it's pretty unlikely that it's cancer based on appearance and commonality (not to mention my age and childbearing history). But, they have to look at it again, because there is that very very small chance and because sometimes even benign cysts cause big problems when they get huge or rupture.
Seven was G the nanny calling to update us on The Headlice Situation. Most likely we gave Dama head lice while she was here, just regionally it's very common in South Florida and not so much in Kansas, although it is possible she gave it to us or we all got it from the rented van or whatever. But G has it too, and somehow as a 28 year old Florida native...she's never had it before O_O So she's really freaked about it, she sounds angry and violated as though we did this to her, though she did not actually say that or anything like it (although she did say that in the middle of the night at the height of tedious combing she was telling herself she'd never come back here again). It's just kind of frustrating that she's taking multiple days off and acting so completely "life on hold" about it, since we all knew it was "around" last Friday and so I would have assumed everyone could get rid of it over the weekend and not wait until the night before a shift 6 days later to even check for it...whatever. It was just an awkward conversation. I think we're on the same page now. And hopefully everyone will be totally bug free semi-immediately.
Call eight was my mother going on about how the house they went back to in Jacksonville has been broken into, there's broken glass all over, and the landlord had cleaned it all out for their eviction, and she doesn't have any money or cookware or know what they're going to do because some check didn't come and some other people want a deposit she wasn't prepared for, and I'm just thinking, yeah. Why why WHY did you want to go back to this so badly? How can you sound giddy and happy to be living in a rural part of nowhere with no vehicle, in an empty house with a missing window? Also, I can't handle the unspoken pressure for money. I project that she feels we are rich. She doesn't say this, it's my own idea, but it's hard to shake, because I remember pre-settlement how homeowning people with multiple cars and savings accounts seemed to me. And, having paid for her to get down here and then paid to move her back, it's hard to not feel like she's at least hinting if not manipulating. But damnitt, aside from those moving to and fro expenses, we also gave her a chunk when we first got the settlement, AND gave her $3000 for dental stuff she couldn't afford a couple of months ago.
And I was happy to do that at the time. I still feel like that was money well spent. But it is adding up to a ridiculous extent, at a time when I am concerned my own medical expenses are going to rapidly outpace what we have left.
At least she won't have internet access for awhile ;)
So now I know that some of my big belly, in addition to a diastasis recti, is free floating fluid from the ovarian cysts of yesterday. It makes me feel helpless and hateful about the state of my body. I enjoyed having a typical Cuban body that meant that no matter how much weight I gained, I would always have a defined waist and a relatively flat belly. It was like an expanding hour glass. Now it's like a late pregnancy, if I were pregnant with an upside down triangle.
There is so much wrapped up in my horrible body image. It is not just the aesthetics. It's scars all over that are linked to ptsd and remind me, oh that's where they pulled out the drainage tube and I screamed, that's where Jackson expanded the scar 4 inches in each direction and it started unfolding and opening, that's where they messed up my muscles as they pulled out pieces of dead intestines. Half of it is completely numb. And, the big protrusion and strange shape are future surgery hanging over my head. My back aches don't just hurt, they depress the hell out of me, making me feel like an invalid, like damaged goods, like my days are numbered.
*sigh*
Grant came home this evening as I got back with everyone, from soccer practice, and he cleaned the kitchen around me in silence as I made dinner. Simple dinner...roasted quartered potatoes, boiled corn on the cob, chicken tenderloins rubbed with barbecue sauce and put on the George Foreman. And a little skillet of sauteed mushrooms for Ananda. He cleared the far too cluttered counters, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, took out the trash.
He listened to a medical and weight and so forth rant that expanded on the emails I sent him at work today, and involved tears.
Then he went and got two early birthday presents for me from wherever he had hid them. GORGEOUS beautiful garnet rings. They're meant to be interchangeable with my engagement ring, that I now wear on my right hand, for different outfits and moods. The engagement ring is a ruby, and it's perfect in and of itself, he is just...so good at this. And it made him so visibly happy to give me these things, and they are SO INCREDIBLE.
Dinner was good. Everyone liked everything and nobody was very loud. Then he and I layed together all cuddly and nice while he read and Elise climbed on us, and I felt like, ok. Perhaps things will be ok after all.
On The Agenda For Tomorrow:
-devotion
-Morning and afternoon chores, as per usual
-Rite Start Math
-Phase One of a sheep making kit we got at Target a while back
-Me knitting copiously
-early dinner
-overlapping soccer games at 5:45 and 6:00
-Grant meeting us at the Y for family swimming at 8
-snack, tooth brushing and immediate bedtime for kids
-Hopefully, packages coming in the mail
-Hopefully, mommy and daddy time with kids in bed
Things I'm Thankful For
-living in a time and a place, with the means, that health problems can be detected and treated...it really puts things in perspective to think of how people die in the streets of things they didn't even know they had, in some parts of the world
-ELISE. My laughing, talking, super affectionate adorable warm big ol baby girl
-3 year old Jakey, who asks me every day, "Do you know what we have? ...A LOT OF LOVE!!"
-That counseling is something Ananda loves, that is very obviously helping her big time. I was not at all sure she'd be into it, but this is great.
-Fall...big carving pumpkins, medium pie pumpkins, small decorative pumpkins, Halloween costumes, planning Thanskgiving dinner, major weather improvements (mid to high 80s instead of mid to high 90s, with no more mosquitoes and way less humidity) - I LOVE FALL, even though we don't have apple picking or changing leaves here.
-That Isaac is not only so much easier than he was 6 months ago, but also is trying to be cuddly with me just because "Daddy told me that even though I don't really like hugs and kisses they make you feel special".
-Grant
-this house, a million times over
-yarn, needles and time
-all the signs and nudges I get as a Christian, little though I often deserve them, from God
-discovering Nina Simone, and Justin Roberts
Six of them were from and to my doctor's office re: my test results. I have benign tumors on one ovary that they want to follow up on with a second ultrasound in 4-6 weeks, is the gist, but with all the details in hand and too much time googling hemmoragic and free fluid and this and the other thing, I had a lot of questions and basically nobody wants to answer them. As I understand it right now, it's very normal to have cysts on an ovary, though it may be causing some of my abdominal pain and bloating, and it could be either the cause of or the result of my heavy periods. But it's pretty unlikely that it's cancer based on appearance and commonality (not to mention my age and childbearing history). But, they have to look at it again, because there is that very very small chance and because sometimes even benign cysts cause big problems when they get huge or rupture.
Seven was G the nanny calling to update us on The Headlice Situation. Most likely we gave Dama head lice while she was here, just regionally it's very common in South Florida and not so much in Kansas, although it is possible she gave it to us or we all got it from the rented van or whatever. But G has it too, and somehow as a 28 year old Florida native...she's never had it before O_O So she's really freaked about it, she sounds angry and violated as though we did this to her, though she did not actually say that or anything like it (although she did say that in the middle of the night at the height of tedious combing she was telling herself she'd never come back here again). It's just kind of frustrating that she's taking multiple days off and acting so completely "life on hold" about it, since we all knew it was "around" last Friday and so I would have assumed everyone could get rid of it over the weekend and not wait until the night before a shift 6 days later to even check for it...whatever. It was just an awkward conversation. I think we're on the same page now. And hopefully everyone will be totally bug free semi-immediately.
Call eight was my mother going on about how the house they went back to in Jacksonville has been broken into, there's broken glass all over, and the landlord had cleaned it all out for their eviction, and she doesn't have any money or cookware or know what they're going to do because some check didn't come and some other people want a deposit she wasn't prepared for, and I'm just thinking, yeah. Why why WHY did you want to go back to this so badly? How can you sound giddy and happy to be living in a rural part of nowhere with no vehicle, in an empty house with a missing window? Also, I can't handle the unspoken pressure for money. I project that she feels we are rich. She doesn't say this, it's my own idea, but it's hard to shake, because I remember pre-settlement how homeowning people with multiple cars and savings accounts seemed to me. And, having paid for her to get down here and then paid to move her back, it's hard to not feel like she's at least hinting if not manipulating. But damnitt, aside from those moving to and fro expenses, we also gave her a chunk when we first got the settlement, AND gave her $3000 for dental stuff she couldn't afford a couple of months ago.
And I was happy to do that at the time. I still feel like that was money well spent. But it is adding up to a ridiculous extent, at a time when I am concerned my own medical expenses are going to rapidly outpace what we have left.
At least she won't have internet access for awhile ;)
So now I know that some of my big belly, in addition to a diastasis recti, is free floating fluid from the ovarian cysts of yesterday. It makes me feel helpless and hateful about the state of my body. I enjoyed having a typical Cuban body that meant that no matter how much weight I gained, I would always have a defined waist and a relatively flat belly. It was like an expanding hour glass. Now it's like a late pregnancy, if I were pregnant with an upside down triangle.
There is so much wrapped up in my horrible body image. It is not just the aesthetics. It's scars all over that are linked to ptsd and remind me, oh that's where they pulled out the drainage tube and I screamed, that's where Jackson expanded the scar 4 inches in each direction and it started unfolding and opening, that's where they messed up my muscles as they pulled out pieces of dead intestines. Half of it is completely numb. And, the big protrusion and strange shape are future surgery hanging over my head. My back aches don't just hurt, they depress the hell out of me, making me feel like an invalid, like damaged goods, like my days are numbered.
*sigh*
Grant came home this evening as I got back with everyone, from soccer practice, and he cleaned the kitchen around me in silence as I made dinner. Simple dinner...roasted quartered potatoes, boiled corn on the cob, chicken tenderloins rubbed with barbecue sauce and put on the George Foreman. And a little skillet of sauteed mushrooms for Ananda. He cleared the far too cluttered counters, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, took out the trash.
He listened to a medical and weight and so forth rant that expanded on the emails I sent him at work today, and involved tears.
Then he went and got two early birthday presents for me from wherever he had hid them. GORGEOUS beautiful garnet rings. They're meant to be interchangeable with my engagement ring, that I now wear on my right hand, for different outfits and moods. The engagement ring is a ruby, and it's perfect in and of itself, he is just...so good at this. And it made him so visibly happy to give me these things, and they are SO INCREDIBLE.
Dinner was good. Everyone liked everything and nobody was very loud. Then he and I layed together all cuddly and nice while he read and Elise climbed on us, and I felt like, ok. Perhaps things will be ok after all.
On The Agenda For Tomorrow:
-devotion
-Morning and afternoon chores, as per usual
-Rite Start Math
-Phase One of a sheep making kit we got at Target a while back
-Me knitting copiously
-early dinner
-overlapping soccer games at 5:45 and 6:00
-Grant meeting us at the Y for family swimming at 8
-snack, tooth brushing and immediate bedtime for kids
-Hopefully, packages coming in the mail
-Hopefully, mommy and daddy time with kids in bed
Things I'm Thankful For
-living in a time and a place, with the means, that health problems can be detected and treated...it really puts things in perspective to think of how people die in the streets of things they didn't even know they had, in some parts of the world
-ELISE. My laughing, talking, super affectionate adorable warm big ol baby girl
-3 year old Jakey, who asks me every day, "Do you know what we have? ...A LOT OF LOVE!!"
-That counseling is something Ananda loves, that is very obviously helping her big time. I was not at all sure she'd be into it, but this is great.
-Fall...big carving pumpkins, medium pie pumpkins, small decorative pumpkins, Halloween costumes, planning Thanskgiving dinner, major weather improvements (mid to high 80s instead of mid to high 90s, with no more mosquitoes and way less humidity) - I LOVE FALL, even though we don't have apple picking or changing leaves here.
-That Isaac is not only so much easier than he was 6 months ago, but also is trying to be cuddly with me just because "Daddy told me that even though I don't really like hugs and kisses they make you feel special".
-Grant
-this house, a million times over
-yarn, needles and time
-all the signs and nudges I get as a Christian, little though I often deserve them, from God
-discovering Nina Simone, and Justin Roberts
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