(no subject)

[altarflame]

I turned in the most mediocre and half assed paper of my academic career, tonight. It was absolute horseshit and will probably get about a 50%, based on the rubric. But it's for a class I'm doing well in otherwise, and that averages in better than a zero would.

Today was supposed to be Paper Writing Day, but instead, it was a day of talking on the phone about all kind of Serious Business (like, the counseling center I've been waiting on FINALLY wanted to do my intake interview for Isaac to participate in their program...), taking Annie to her orthodontist appointment, doing an online test I'd forgotten about for another class, and about a million other things.

During the windows I had to work on the paper, I mostly squinted angrily at the convoluted instructions and got interrupted by Elise. I suppose I should reference that this was basically a math paper - running increasingly complex statistical analyses in SPSS and then analyzing the analyses. It isn't really that hard to understand, if you give yourself adequate time, which I clearly did not.

I am keenly aware of just how many large scale projects and daunting final exams I have looming in the next couple of weeks. Also quite cognizant of how most of my next week is ostensibly devoted to grocery shopping, cooking, transporting tons of shit to my sister's and helping her host upwards of 25 people for Thanksgiving, and then getting on the road with my crew for a friend's destination wedding. SO clearly I'm needing to do a lot of micro-scheduling such that I can cram hours in here, there, and everywhere.

This is a cyclical thing that is subject to change, but I am definitely thinking tonight of how great just sticking with a terminal master's in a counseling related field sounds, compared to going for some neuro-related PhD that will keep me in dense deadlines and math stress for the next decade.

I've been so inspired and motivated to write creatively lately, and aside from the odd poetry break here or there I just don't have the resources for it. I've also been keenly aware of how unwilling I am to let go of certain things at this phase of my life, from bedtime reading with my children to weekend dates with Grant. I just won't budge on certain indulgences, regardless of what's pulling me in various directions, which is not really the philosophy of the tortured type A grad student.

Part of this is the insular (and sometimes isolating) effect of having been very triggered recently. But, you know, I have PTSD. I don't want to give an inch, ever, on this front - I don't want to be limited by mental illness. Or chronic illness, if needing to get weekly shots and quarterly blood draws even qualifies. But the truth is that I'm going to have seasons where I pull back and draw in, and have to be at least a little bit gentle with myself. I want to enjoy my life and realism should be some part of that.


Tangential: My own therapist frustrates me... he does a lot of things I find helpful, like EMDR, and I've had some great epiphanies with him. My ability to enjoy my mom's company in small doses with no repercussions, and see the good in our relationship without expecting anything more, is a great thing. He's also been a valuable grad school and career planning resource. We talk a lot.

The problem is that he's really dead set on this idea that he can "clear out" trauma so that it's gone and doesn't bother you anymore. Ever. He has an unprofessionally obvious disappointment if I am not truly over anything we've ever worked on. He actually admits to impatience with subjects that resurface, and gets visibly irritated that we have to revisit topics.

To be clear, I believe that CBT and EMDR are both capable of lessening the ongoing effects of trauma. Significantly. I believe you can improve your quality of life radically through counseling. But true PTSD alters your freakin' brain anatomy. You respond to future stressors differently than you did before, even if you stop having frequent spontaneous nightmares/constantly intrusive thoughts/whatever worst effects you originally had. Counseling can give you great tools to put into practice when you get triggered, and it can help you recognize when you are triggered so you can gain some objectivity, but I don't honestly believe it can keep you from ever being triggered again. Less often? Absolutely. I used to gradually deteriorate if I saw a hospital scene on TV. Things really have to pile up in my real life to get me, these days, which I'm grateful for.

This guy is kind of a pompous windbag and he's really stuck on the idea that he has personally cured however many hundreds of peoples' PTSD, often in (what he perceives to be) as little as one session. We get into passionate arguments about this. I really believe he's helped a lot of people - and I don't doubt some people can FEEL BETTER, especially temporarily, after one session of EMDR (though some people will need way more than that to get a boost, or even have a way harder time than they were, in the beginning). But he's not wiping people's slates clean as though their experiences never happened. If someone goes from barely-functioning to super productive but then becomes triggered and has a setback, it's not a failure of or reflection on the previous treatment.

This is a kind of pure, altruistic (albeit also narcissistic) misconception he has going on. It centers around people needing him only briefly, so it's not about keeping people coming back. He is really not interested in customers as such - he wants success stories. And he's been featured in the books of other people who claim to be racking them up, and it's only validated his ideas.

I feel like I learn a lot about what not to do, from him. But like I said, I also value him, it isn't black and white... and, I try not to interpret our sessions through the lens of "I'll be on the other side of that desk one day," in the moment, because it isn't helpful.

Clearly I need to sleep, instead of rambling about this.

Last thought: I'm contemplating tonight what a Licensed Clinical Social Worker could potentially do, with/for The Order of the Good Death.

Comments

[nun-sense.livejournal.com]

WOW! Lots going on. You are in my thoughts.

I agree with you on several fronts: there are some things that need to be "sacred" no matter what, and bedtime reading and date nights with your husband seem to rank right up there for you. Go for it.

Also, being gentle with ourselves has got to rank high on that list too. I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago......as well as chronic depression. And that's another area in which I agree with you. I have a friend who is a psychologist, and she uses EMDR and swears by it, but she doesn't look to it as some kind of miracle cure, but rather as a good tool that helps patients make easier progress at times. There are no magic cures.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope you are able to set the workload aside for a bit so that you can really enjoy the day.......and that wedding.

[bicrim.livejournal.com]

So, a thought on the therapist. We, as clients, get (normally and healthfully) attached to our therapist, and their way of being and doing. We grow with them, and there is always transference that can be very deep, even if the modality they use doesn't process it (especially when it doesn't, in my experience). However, part of growing is growing out of things, and sometimes relationships. It's not only OK to maybe need someone else at this point in your growth, it's actually a sign of that growth.

Another thought, from a clinician's perspective--EMDR is NOT supposed to be a modality, it's a technique. That is important. It works so well that some therapists get stuck in the positive feedback loop of seeing clients improve, and they forget that they need to do actual therapy as well as EMDR. You may want to think about finding a therapist who does EMDR, sure, but who also is the kind of therapist you need, not just a EMDR technician.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

I think you're right, and I've been thinking it for awhile.

This guy, in addition to become some kind of career advice resource, also sees me for free at this point because Grant is his IT guy and doesn't charge him. Basically, it's become far too comfortable and not nearly therapeutic enough.

He considers talk therapy without emdr to be "mental masturbation." Basically pointless. I think back to the LCSW I was seeing in 2008, and who was working with Annie, and it's like, man. She used talk therapy times to give me tools and strategies for when particular things happened, and to show me ways mentally reframing things could be helpful.

Anyway, yes - probably after the new year I'll start hunting around again. I kind of loathe starting over with people, which is part of why this has drug on so long.

[(Anonymous)]

! he sees you for free in exchange for Grant doing work for him!! I'm a psychologist in NZ and that would result in being hauled in front of the disciplinary board. Total ethical violation. In fact, I probably would not have a client's husband work for me even if I was paying him for the work (but I am very strict about ethics and boundaries).

While this may be legally 'OK' for your therapist, depending on what he is and who regulates that discipline, it is ethically and therapeutically very dubious.

To illustrate the (fictional) potential difficulties: the therapist knows that it is time for you to move on, but he wants Grant to keep doing his IT for free, so he keeps seeing you/is motivated for you to still need him; he has some sort of working relationship with Grant and knows a lot about him that is privileged information; the service exchange is not exactly equal and someone feels hard done by; Grant does unnecessary work as that way you get free counselling; there is a sense that the therapist is doing you and you family a 'favour' (more of a problem for some personality types) and so you feel you can't voice dissatisfaction; you feel the need for more or less therapy but feel this will disrupt the 'agreement'; you want to make a complaint about him but worry that he will retaliate against your husband in some way....

Of course, maybe none of these things will happen, but when there is a 'power differential' you have to be careful for the WELLBEING and safety of your client. Just wrong.

[altarflame.livejournal.com]

It is not quite that simple - basically he still bills my insurance but in lieu of my co-pay, he has on-call tech support (which is cashed in on pretty rarely, though it tends to be a huge deal when it is). This developed after our relationship was already established. I don't honestly know if there are laws about it or not, but either way it isn't happening anymore as I'm seeking a new therapist.

I don't think it was ok, honestly, as I do feel there was a decline in his services as soon as the arrangement started. It's like he didn't feel he had to try as hard anymore since I wasn't paying anything out of pocket. The final straw for me was at my last session when he kept texting as I was speaking to him. I mean honestly wtf.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_delphiki_/]

I agree with you on the PTSD front. I don't think one ever really gets over trauma. I also had a therapist really set on EMDR. It wasn't helpful for me, ever, and she just wouldn't let up. She wouldn't offer any substantiative talk therapy of any kind. She sounds a lot like your therapist. Eventually I stopped seeing her because it became such a waste of my time. She was also very frustrated that EMDR didn't work for me. She seemed to think it was a cure as well.

So, I get it, and your therapist isn't the only one who thinks EMDR is a magic cure all for trauma.