altarflame | Day 4 and Day 5

I considered saying something about how I'll try to do better at updating daily, these hundred days, but honestly this whole 100 Days thing couldn't have come at a worse time for me so I doubt I will do any better.

This is what I wrote yesterday, in a couple of sessions, before abandoning it completely:

I stood in the kitchen talking to all the kids and short order cooking for everybody, this morning. It felt like a long time since that's happened, between school and weekend schedule variability. I really like doing that, and think of the irony often because it's basically a cliche complaint for moms to say "I'm not a short order cook!"

"What's for dinner?" when I'm done with the day and it's already too late will make me lose my damned mind, but cooking in the morning with no time frame feels sweet and easy. Today the options going around were eggs any style; with sauteed mushrooms, sliced salted tomatoes, and apple/gouda chicken sausage optional. So Ananda and I had mushrooms and parm omelettes with tomatoes on the side (and sausage for me), Aaron and Jake had fried eggs, with meat and veggies respectively, Isaac wanted nothing but a giant pile of scrambled eggs (NO CHEESE!) and Elise had everything BUT eggs. Conversation centered around the Law of Conservation of Energy, mainly because we have a rogue burner that only cooks at maximum heat and so to use it, you have to turn it off periodically, and rinse the pan in cold water here and there - which sends up a cloud of loud steam that makes Elise curious.

I've actually explained it all to Elise before, with heat being energy and electrons speeding up and how that's represented in ice vs boiling, and so on and so forth, but she's just starting to get what I'm saying. The oldest kids can come up with good analogies I don't think of, now. And Isaac and Jake think of a lot of other ways energy transfers.

Did you know Elon Musk just came out as unschooling his kids? I'm too lazy to link this right now but it went viral on fb so I'm sure it's not hard to find. I've never really unschooled, but we've mostly done a lot of eclectic and child led stuff outside of reading, writing, and math. It seems telling to me, given that, that Ananda and Aaron entered 8th and 9th grade knowing radically more science, music theory, history, US government, geography, and so on than their school peers.

Sometime I should write about how serendipitous the times they went in seem to be, to me, and how surprised and happy I've been to see Aaron totally take charge of his own time management and organization <--I mean...WHAT?! Another entry...

One of the biggest things I'm sure is hugely advantageous about homeschooling, for people who can and who want to, is the unhurried pace. Because you can take as long as you want on any given topic, whether you're talking together, or reading a long book nobody wants to stop with, or taking a walk, or staying up late - and that's ok, since nobody's got to get up early... I really took it for granted, before.

As for today...

Hmm. I asked my sister to help me with childcare and then felt like an asshole as per usual when she said no, since she almost always does say no, and so I should obviously know better and spare us all the tension. There are a million logistical things that get in the way of us spending more time together in general and on the one hand, they're valid. On the other hand, they could clearly be overcome if we both prioritized overcoming them. I get stupidly emotional about this. There have just always been lots of non-relations who were more than willing to meet me/us where I/we are at, and that's awesome, but it also kinda underscores her unwilingness. She's found a community much more in step with how she likes to live, recently, and I am genuinely happy for her but also painfully jealous. I think we just clash a lot, too alike but nothing alike, and...I don't know. Sometimes everything flows with us, and it's wonderful, but there are just so many traps we can fall into. I have friends who come over and friends I meet out regularly, and friends I text and call regularly, and other people I can ask for help if I need help. But Laura is right there under my husband and kids on the short list of People I Love Most in the World and that seems more and more like a source of frustration as the years pass. Like I am always going to love her that much, whether I like it or not.

I went to class today and wanted to gouge my own eyes out, as per usual, because my math professor has a thick accent I can't understand most of the time and THE WORST handwriting I've ever experienced in a teacher. I spend so much of this course squinting at the board with my mouth partially open and a headache building. Since it's a Summer A course, it's only 6 weeks long, so each session is 3.5 hours of tedium and woe. I honestly can't tell if it's better to go to class or to just head straight to the learning support lab with his handouts and things, every single time. This morning I spent MINUTES trying to discern a word in some notes I was copying from the board - it looked like he had written a P for Proportion with some unknown character next to it. Most likely a w, except that would make no sense with the problem. When I finally raised my hand and asked, it turns out it was the word "for," which made zero grammatical sense and made several students act surprised and confused. The girl in front of me said she had thought it said, "Pom."

I should have spent many more hours studying after, but instead did selfishly enjoyable things with my kids, like browse turtles and fish with Ananda that she wants to build an ecosystem with, in her and Elise's room. We also got coffees and pastries out together. I read Isaac way too much of Harry Potter 7 because we're 3/4 through now, he's deeply invested, we stop to talk about things (or, cry) constantly and it's hard to stop. I sat nearby listening to Aaron play his new piano, and wondering at how different his style is on this one and whether that's a transitional thing. He keeps taking it and the old one apart and using YouTube tutorial videos to do things like stop a sticking hammer and fix a pedal. At one point yesterday he had both of them completely opened up, on top and down below, with the vaccum out, a rag, and some tools. At this rate he might even get the old one in a condition we could sell it for $100 - or, he might start saying he wants to keep it. He mentioned a future where he lives in a field of pianos, because he spent all his housing money on them.

I cuddled with Jake. And, had a giant sex talk with Elise that was hilarious.

It started because she wanted to know if all married people can just fall pregnant suddenly at any time. I told her what baby making actually is, and that it is what actually causes pregnancy (not "marriage"). Isaac and Jake groaned and left the room as she pressed me for more info and clarification of points, and I explained the ways genitals change with arousal, and that people actually enjoy doing this because it feels good.

After awhile she was sitting in front of a YouTube video of a sperm fertilizing an egg, paused it, and turned around. "So, you had sex FIVE TIMES, so you could have all of us?" She seemed amazed. "Uh," I said, as Aaron covered his head with his shirt and Annie started laughing, "no-" "Oh, I think I understand," she continued, "It had to be six because of the baby that died." I tried to get across as briefly but directly as possible that lots of adults really enjoy sex and want to do it even if they don't want a baby, and she just got more incredulous and horrified until she turned slowly back to the video and pushed play again. Aaron left the room; Annie cackled.

I made a really kickass dinner of kale and bean soup, toasted baguette with parmesan and irish butter, and a caprese platter.

And now I'm up too late, and have an impossible amount of studying to accomplish tomorrow. Goodnight, internet.