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Mar. 18th, 2015 02:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI took a 15 minute nap, and that was long enough for a whole string of escalating, emotional nightmares. They started with my brand new roses being dead already, proceeded on to my mother walking through my house smoking and ignoring me no matter how I asked her to stop and chased her around (that would never happen), and then finished up with THIS grand finale:
I was standing on my Nana and Pa's old front porch, which is a cage of security bars. This was very detailed - I had a hard time gripping the little turn-y lock part of the exterior doorknob, to turn it to lock it from the inside. I felt vulnerable that I couldn't lock the deadbolt, since I knew I was going to be there on the porch for awhile. When I actually lived there, it was this great fear that you could get locked in the cage - and it happened to me once, to Laura once, even to my Dad once.
I didn't have any keys in the dream. I was actually naked, but that wasn't at all remarkable or embarrassing - just part of how I was totally empty handed. I kept ringing the doorbell and hearing it clang inside (they had a very distinctive and stupidly long doorbell sound), and trying to knock on the barred screen door, and of course that didn't work. But I could hear my Nana talking inside, muffled through the door, the way she used to before her strokes. I started to realize she was standing at the big kitchen island and Elise must have been sitting on a stool there from the way it sounded. Nana was laughing hysterically at things she was saying, and showing her things, and setting out snacks for her from the fridge. Kino flip flops slapping on the tile. I kept ringing the bell and trying to knock and standing there, looking around at the concrete ground of the porch where plants used to be, and the empty driveway, and the shuttered windows, listening and thinking, "yeah, no, that's never going to happen. I'm obviously not getting let in, there's no way that can be real." The outside of the peephole was dark.
I was leaned against the side wall of bars at one point, looking out at this faux wishing well I helped my Pa make as a kid, in their front yard, and hearing Nana yell faintly from maybe the florida room for Pa to come see what Elise was doing now, and I started thinking about how she used to take me through the house to show me every new thing that she'd decorated with, for Christmas, and I was hoping from the porch that she was going to give Elise that tour, even if I couldn't go in. And I was sobbing so hard my stomach hurt.
WTF, you know?
I was standing on my Nana and Pa's old front porch, which is a cage of security bars. This was very detailed - I had a hard time gripping the little turn-y lock part of the exterior doorknob, to turn it to lock it from the inside. I felt vulnerable that I couldn't lock the deadbolt, since I knew I was going to be there on the porch for awhile. When I actually lived there, it was this great fear that you could get locked in the cage - and it happened to me once, to Laura once, even to my Dad once.
I didn't have any keys in the dream. I was actually naked, but that wasn't at all remarkable or embarrassing - just part of how I was totally empty handed. I kept ringing the doorbell and hearing it clang inside (they had a very distinctive and stupidly long doorbell sound), and trying to knock on the barred screen door, and of course that didn't work. But I could hear my Nana talking inside, muffled through the door, the way she used to before her strokes. I started to realize she was standing at the big kitchen island and Elise must have been sitting on a stool there from the way it sounded. Nana was laughing hysterically at things she was saying, and showing her things, and setting out snacks for her from the fridge. Kino flip flops slapping on the tile. I kept ringing the bell and trying to knock and standing there, looking around at the concrete ground of the porch where plants used to be, and the empty driveway, and the shuttered windows, listening and thinking, "yeah, no, that's never going to happen. I'm obviously not getting let in, there's no way that can be real." The outside of the peephole was dark.
I was leaned against the side wall of bars at one point, looking out at this faux wishing well I helped my Pa make as a kid, in their front yard, and hearing Nana yell faintly from maybe the florida room for Pa to come see what Elise was doing now, and I started thinking about how she used to take me through the house to show me every new thing that she'd decorated with, for Christmas, and I was hoping from the porch that she was going to give Elise that tour, even if I couldn't go in. And I was sobbing so hard my stomach hurt.
WTF, you know?
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Date: 2015-03-18 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-20 05:09 pm (UTC)There is a lot of death around, right now. I have real life friends, and family, and online friends who have lost people in the last 2 weeks, and there is near-tragedy on the periphery of my fb circles, and one of my very best, longest running friends has had some major post op complications. It all makes me feel really unsteady and transitional. I've been acutely aware of missing my friend Kristin, who moved away and I still text with often, and also of how inaccessible my sister feels even though she's here in town. Grant's travelling for work again.
^None of that is really an answer to your question, but it's the kind of stuff your comment made me think. I wish my therapist was good for something other than emdr, because he's really, really not.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-19 05:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-20 05:12 pm (UTC)I've been a little raw around the edges at times lately because of death and medical procedures? I dunno.
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Date: 2015-04-13 04:08 pm (UTC)manifest in such ways. Usually it's like hearing a doorbell ring of someone talking, etc. I would suggest getting any paychiatric meds, like antidepressants looked at to see if this is a side effect. It will be harder for you to get quality sleep if the early stages are disrupted and disruptive to you.
no subject
Date: 2015-04-13 06:27 pm (UTC)However... I always dream MOST when I'm hitting the snooze button a lot or otherwise dozing in and out during the morning on a weekend or something. It's USUALLY if I've stumbled to the bathroom or slapped my phone and then drifted back off, that I have vivid and consecutive dreams. I almost never remember dreams from overnight sleeping. And a lot of those times, as I think about this, DO happen in an 8-10 minute time span of sleep (since that what my snooze button is timed for). Perhaps what you're talking about in your comment is different if the person was very recently asleep and doesn't fully wake up? Or are dozing dreams automatically neurologically classified as hallucinations? On the occasion of the brief nap in this entry, I had been very sleepy for awhile before I was finally like, ok, just a little rest...