(no subject)

[altarflame]

We have Christmas pandora playing, and just finished putting lights, a star and a few things on our Christmas tree - which we purchased earlier today from some Methodist kids who are doing great things for foster children in central Florida's DCF system. Their explanations of their work made me cry, after I had written the check, such that I ended up rushing back to the van, Grant and my purse to find stray dollars for their tip jar.

Our Christmas tree is always a little barren at first, since we have to string up and bake most of our ornaments (popcorn, cranberries, gingerbread and stained glass cookies...and candy canes we just haven't bought yet since we have to find corn free ones).

Izzy is over and helping Annie string ribbon on baskets, and using it to attach pine cones to wreaths. Jake and Elise are mostly using the ribbon to get cats to chase after them.

Our Thanksgiving was pretty great :) It was smaller than some years - we "only" had Shaun, Robbie and Correy, and Gloria and LJ here. My Dad is really sick and couldn't come, and Laura got too excited about finally having a big kitchen and space for real meals, and did her own thing. She and Brian and Isabel are also all sick, now - we took her some drinks and popsicles and things earlier because Frank's back on shifts...

Last night, though - I get pretty overwhelmed with how wonderful it is to be able to host a big feast, and with our resources for making it special. Grant always does a ton of yard work, deck cleaning and furniture moving beforehand.

I snagged this "almost ready" picture from inside the dining room:


And then Grant took this after people had started to arrive:


Neither shows the food tables set up with plants, candles and a ton of stuff. I was all silly-satisfied with it :)

Interestingly, I didn't feel the horror of moving that I expected to - I felt like this is great, and having an adventure and finding other great things is cool, too.

It was really cold (for us: 57 - keep in mind everyone is barefoot in totally inappropriate clothing) outside, and as the evening wore on we decided on a projector movie in the yard, so in addition to being the AV guy G set up electric blankets on the trampoline, hammock and bench swing, and passed out little "hot hands" packs. He even put a bunch things in the dryer for people. I made a big pot of hot chocolate and ladeled it for a line.

Great stuff :)

---

I keep having these horrible, epic-length (feeling) dreams about people close to me dying. It happened again today, during a nap. They twist and turn through so much plot. I had one where Grant died, and I had time within this freakin' dream to cry until I threw up, and have to talk to our kids, and be so so freaked by having to call his mother, and discover some tampering with our back windows (we lived in some other house) that made me think he'd been murdered and get scared that there might be a killer out there - just FUCKING UGH. Today's was about being told by one of my mom's exes that my brother was dead up in Lakeland and some other ex of hers was responsible. Again I had the burden of sharing news with people who could not cope with it, in addition to dealing with my own grief, and again the fear of somebody dangerous still possibly being out there. There was another one in between them that sucked, but the details faded with time. I wake up from these with a stomachache, feeling tired inside.

I swear.

---

Grant and I are at such a weird point, as a couple, and sometimes I really want to write about it. But I don't know how to convey it properly, and always come back around to it not being anybody's business, anyway. We love each other, and say that a lot - we talk honestly and enjoy each other's company. We're both also in separate individual counseling, and unsure about whether or not the two of us make a lot of sense together outside of the context of the family. There's a lot of affection, but no sex, and (surprise!) this time it's me that just isn't into it. I think each of us is growing, as a person, and we're both thankful for the other...neither of us has given up on the marriage, either... but we're both really thoughtful, and open to a lot of options we haven't been in the past, and - taking it one day at a time? I guess? With the understanding that we both need a lot of patience and that the one day at a time is gonna go on for months. Neither of us can tell if all the traveling he has to do in the coming weeks, for work (and has been doing) is a good, serendipitous thing because we each need some space...or kinda horrible because we never have any time for "us," and are having to learn to live without each other whether we like it or not.

There is no doubt whatsoever that we make a great team.

I am really, really enjoying "the holidays" already, and it's a good thing to share.

Comments

[breathbox.livejournal.com]

beautiful holiday, sounds like!

i really hope that what you and g are experiencing is just one of those growing pains that relationships go through...the alternative ending is so very hard, amicable or not. i love how communicative you both are...and understanding as well.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

I sometimes want to write about stuff that M and I go through, too... but in the end, making it public (or even filtered) is still opening it up to other people who aren't here with us, and don't know us apart from limited internet knowledge, and so will be making judgements about him or me or both of us, and it's not going to be helpful. The stuff you've written sounds really positive, though, and i'm glad you're communicating and getting counselling. None of that can be a bad thing.

I love your set up for your dinner! The candles and fairy lights are just gorgeous :D

I had to laugh when reading about the younger children's responses to your potential move in a previous post. We've been discussing moving, too, and ours are similarly baffled by the whole thing.