(no subject)
Oct. 23rd, 2012 07:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI'm sitting here procrastinating making dinner for everyone, and I'm happy to hear so much wind in the trees and chimes outside, you know, and I'm happy to still feel so clean and nice from my shower, but I feel so guilty for little ways I feel I'm (probably not actually) neglecting my kids lately, and it's going to be my birthday in a few hours and then I have to deal with how I don't really have family that calls me or sends me cards, and feel like a baby for wanting that, because really, I'm turning 31.
I'm turning 31, and I know I can go make something delicious and have a glass of wine and hug my youngest kids a few times and feel pretty good.
But I don't know whether I believe in God anymore, or whether I can be happy in my marriage, or whether we're gonna be moving out of state soon (for the first time in my life). I've lived a week in NYC and 2.5 months in Massachusetts, as an adult, and I did a lot of weeks and weekends in Texas and the midwest as a teen, but other than that, all Florida baby.
I've got -lots of money in a shared bank acct, and will spend tomorrow at foreclosure attorney offices negotiating what our best options are, and that, really, is pretty exciting, because I didn't realize we had so many options and just pursuing legal help makes everything involved with this process radically more doable and less panicky.
So I have a horror deadline for my publisher and I've got homework for my classes and I don't know how to motivate my 11 year old, who seems to have accomplished absolutely nothing but ripping down the shower curtain and successfully sneaking in some YouTube time, today.
I've got a hammock under the stars waiting for me at around 10 pm tonight, and my husband best-friend on his way, via train, to look at internet nonsense with me.
I've got someone who loves me picking up my school kids from school tomorrow afternoon and serendipitously moving to the same place we could be on our way to.
I've got some fabulous new concealer and new eyeliner knowledge.
It's good to be so present in every moment, even when it hurts. And I've read some great new-to-me books this week, and hosted a cool gathering with my nephew and his boyfriend and a friend of ours over, and everyone glutting themselves and telling me how awesome the food was.
I've got a whole lot, and it's all over the place.
I'm turning 31, and I know I can go make something delicious and have a glass of wine and hug my youngest kids a few times and feel pretty good.
But I don't know whether I believe in God anymore, or whether I can be happy in my marriage, or whether we're gonna be moving out of state soon (for the first time in my life). I've lived a week in NYC and 2.5 months in Massachusetts, as an adult, and I did a lot of weeks and weekends in Texas and the midwest as a teen, but other than that, all Florida baby.
I've got -lots of money in a shared bank acct, and will spend tomorrow at foreclosure attorney offices negotiating what our best options are, and that, really, is pretty exciting, because I didn't realize we had so many options and just pursuing legal help makes everything involved with this process radically more doable and less panicky.
So I have a horror deadline for my publisher and I've got homework for my classes and I don't know how to motivate my 11 year old, who seems to have accomplished absolutely nothing but ripping down the shower curtain and successfully sneaking in some YouTube time, today.
I've got a hammock under the stars waiting for me at around 10 pm tonight, and my husband best-friend on his way, via train, to look at internet nonsense with me.
I've got someone who loves me picking up my school kids from school tomorrow afternoon and serendipitously moving to the same place we could be on our way to.
I've got some fabulous new concealer and new eyeliner knowledge.
It's good to be so present in every moment, even when it hurts. And I've read some great new-to-me books this week, and hosted a cool gathering with my nephew and his boyfriend and a friend of ours over, and everyone glutting themselves and telling me how awesome the food was.
I've got a whole lot, and it's all over the place.
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no subject
Date: 2012-10-24 02:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-29 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-10-24 03:13 am (UTC)I hear you on the first paragraph regarding cards and phone calls.
I was married for 10 years, and during that time, most of my siblings also lived close to me, with their own kids. Now my siblings live far away, my niece and nephews are too old for gifts other than money, and I'm divorced and have no kids (by choice). The first Christmas after my divorce, I realized I literally had no one that I had to buy presents for. And therefore, no one who would be getting me presents. My siblings and I are old enough that we don't exchange gifts, but my oldest sister always gives me money. It was kind of sad. I didn't even buy a tree since I had no presents to put under it. I bought stuff for myself online and waited until Christmas day to open it, lol.
Getting older has lots of advantages, but holidays and birthdays aren't necessarily one of them.
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