Today I fail at life.
Jan. 8th, 2010 06:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
altarflameI hate my hair. It'll grow back. I'm glad I only cut bangs and not all of it and got the hair cutting out of my system that way. But I really hate how it is right now, like to an extreme of not wanting to go out to the grocery store where people will see me. It gets all...puffy and waved out, on the top-sides, without the rest of the hair starting up by my face where it belongs. I have, like...some kind of poodle woman mullet, almost.
Ok it's not quite that bad. BUT CLOSE! I've been using Elise's tiny little mini-clips to pin the bangs backwards. Right now they're a massive thicky curly mess on my forehead. Shiny and clean and pretty, and TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE ON MY FOREHEAD.
I'm sick, AGAIN. I mean what IS THIS? It's a bad cold or the flu, but why?! I just feel so awful and am not doing well at anything at all. I'm doing things like waking up on my pillow with sticky cheeks because of cough drop drool. Mmm, so sexy.
Speaking of sexy, I've had a runny nose and watering eyes all. day. long. I mean...I do not understand how I am not a shriveled husk by now. Between my nose and upper lip is raw and red. It goes great with the terrible hair and the sink full of dishes.
This night shift stuff is disorienting, too - he's been working late due to a work emergency and that means he's getting home between 2:30 and 4:30 am. I didn't go to PATH yesterday or anything because I was incoherently ill.
And tomorrow the low at night is supposed to be 34, with a windchill in the LOW TWENTIES, followed by a day where the HIGH is 49, and sometimes I am just panicking that it's been days and days since I was able to get warm.
My vain attempt to reclaim the day in things that don't suck:
-My husband turned a heating pad on in our bed last night, turned on the heater against my protests (it makes Isaac's croup, which always comes on with cold weather, way worse - but we set Isaac up behind a closed door with the Vicks'd up humidifier and just did it), and brought me blankets and a pillow from the dryer. After Dayquil and a cough drop (and a repeat 4 hours later) I actually got something like sleep. Laying down was reminiscent of a hospital in a weird way - warmed blanket, cord in the bed, and going from miserable to suddely half asleep all kind of take me back. But it was great. That feeling is the only silver lining of a hospital stay anyway. Though it could have been behind me having nightmares last night.
-I really love how self sufficient my kids are. Jake and Elise have been getting themselves things to eat (yogurts, bananas, apples, and raisins) throughout the day. Ananda, Aaron and Isaac help them with things like bowls of cereal, pbjs and pineapple. I don't tell them to do these things. They just go about their business. Isaac asked if he could do schoolwork, just bringing me books here and there for clarification of directions and checking. Ananda and Aaron asked if they could open up Aaron's "magic rocks" growing kit from Christmas and spent an hour doing that in their room. Everyone runs from inside to outside. Elise brought me a picture she drew me at one point. It's awesome.
-Grant got a raise! Not the sort of raise that will make up for losing the winery, but it still helps. It's an extra $6,000 a year (the winery was about $24,000). He also has a deposit from a new (much smaller, not ongoing) client and some leads on more work for them. And, he found out he can cash out his 403B to apply to home loan payments without penalties if he can demonstrate financial need to avoid foreclosure - since our payments are backed up, that's simple enough. It's a pretty new account and will only yield *almost* one late payment, but, hey. All of these things are good things leading us in the right direction.
The weekend starts tomorrow, and G will be off for two days, which would usually be cause for celebration. But today it just feels like it's about to get way, way colder and I'm going to have to be sick in the cold grappling with things like whether or not we should go to church, and whether or not we should use our last opportunity to take advantage of Santa's Enchanted Forest being open. I mean we bought the season passes and that doesn't make sense unless you go a lot, and I WAS pumped for one more round of rides and fajita...before.
I also have developed a problem with being self conscious and projecting judgement when Grant is home and I'm debilitated. I'm pretty sure it's my own thing, and not something warranted based on how he actually feels. At least mostly. But I don't know how to kick it.
Anytime I'm a little sick and laying around with him taking care of me, it feels like that's been the story of the last 10 years. Me handicapped and him taking care of me. I want to be the wife parasailing and snorkeling with him in Key West last Valentine's Day, not the one laid up behind a locked door the kids are being shushed to quit beating on.
Speaking of debilitation, which I am probably spelling wrong, yesterday Elise asked me to pick her up. She doesn't do this that often, at least not with any persistence or real expectation, because I am never supposed to lift her and only do in rare circumstances. This can be really emotionally sucky for me, and it can also be really really inconvenient, like when I get home and her and Jake are both asleep in their carseats and I have to just wake them both up and lead them in wailing when I could've just put them in their damn beds. I usually feel it for awhile afterwards, if I do something like that, though...it's kind of reserved for things like when I thought she had a concussion, meaning times I don't stop to think about it.
She knows it hurts my belly to do. Recently,though, Laura has had a baby she's watched Laura caring for, and she herself has gotten a lot of baby dolls. Anyway, she comes to me and says, "Hold me Mommy". I say, I can't baby, do you want to hold my hand and come with me? and she very patiently explains "You my Mommy. Me Baby. Me Mommy's baby. You hold me." I was like, uh. Let's go sit together, you can be in my lap. She touched me, said "mama", and touched herself, and said "baby" and then did this whole thing that might not make sense if you don't speak Elise. Basically she said, "*mock crying, then sad voice* Baby *calms down* Mama hold baby!" and then, like I was really dumb, "My baby *mock cry* (meaning her doll), me hold baby, no more cry! Baby happy!"
I was finally like, you know what? You're fucking right. This is bullshit. In my head. Outwardly I just picked her up. She was so proud of me for "Getting it", patting me and then herself, "Mama hold me! Me Mama baby! Happy! Hold me more? Yeah?!"
It's not that bad if I high-hip carry her. *sigh*
I honestly can't tell if everything really sucks terribly...or I am just about to start my period.
Ok it's not quite that bad. BUT CLOSE! I've been using Elise's tiny little mini-clips to pin the bangs backwards. Right now they're a massive thicky curly mess on my forehead. Shiny and clean and pretty, and TOTALLY OUT OF PLACE ON MY FOREHEAD.
I'm sick, AGAIN. I mean what IS THIS? It's a bad cold or the flu, but why?! I just feel so awful and am not doing well at anything at all. I'm doing things like waking up on my pillow with sticky cheeks because of cough drop drool. Mmm, so sexy.
Speaking of sexy, I've had a runny nose and watering eyes all. day. long. I mean...I do not understand how I am not a shriveled husk by now. Between my nose and upper lip is raw and red. It goes great with the terrible hair and the sink full of dishes.
This night shift stuff is disorienting, too - he's been working late due to a work emergency and that means he's getting home between 2:30 and 4:30 am. I didn't go to PATH yesterday or anything because I was incoherently ill.
And tomorrow the low at night is supposed to be 34, with a windchill in the LOW TWENTIES, followed by a day where the HIGH is 49, and sometimes I am just panicking that it's been days and days since I was able to get warm.
My vain attempt to reclaim the day in things that don't suck:
-My husband turned a heating pad on in our bed last night, turned on the heater against my protests (it makes Isaac's croup, which always comes on with cold weather, way worse - but we set Isaac up behind a closed door with the Vicks'd up humidifier and just did it), and brought me blankets and a pillow from the dryer. After Dayquil and a cough drop (and a repeat 4 hours later) I actually got something like sleep. Laying down was reminiscent of a hospital in a weird way - warmed blanket, cord in the bed, and going from miserable to suddely half asleep all kind of take me back. But it was great. That feeling is the only silver lining of a hospital stay anyway. Though it could have been behind me having nightmares last night.
-I really love how self sufficient my kids are. Jake and Elise have been getting themselves things to eat (yogurts, bananas, apples, and raisins) throughout the day. Ananda, Aaron and Isaac help them with things like bowls of cereal, pbjs and pineapple. I don't tell them to do these things. They just go about their business. Isaac asked if he could do schoolwork, just bringing me books here and there for clarification of directions and checking. Ananda and Aaron asked if they could open up Aaron's "magic rocks" growing kit from Christmas and spent an hour doing that in their room. Everyone runs from inside to outside. Elise brought me a picture she drew me at one point. It's awesome.
-Grant got a raise! Not the sort of raise that will make up for losing the winery, but it still helps. It's an extra $6,000 a year (the winery was about $24,000). He also has a deposit from a new (much smaller, not ongoing) client and some leads on more work for them. And, he found out he can cash out his 403B to apply to home loan payments without penalties if he can demonstrate financial need to avoid foreclosure - since our payments are backed up, that's simple enough. It's a pretty new account and will only yield *almost* one late payment, but, hey. All of these things are good things leading us in the right direction.
The weekend starts tomorrow, and G will be off for two days, which would usually be cause for celebration. But today it just feels like it's about to get way, way colder and I'm going to have to be sick in the cold grappling with things like whether or not we should go to church, and whether or not we should use our last opportunity to take advantage of Santa's Enchanted Forest being open. I mean we bought the season passes and that doesn't make sense unless you go a lot, and I WAS pumped for one more round of rides and fajita...before.
I also have developed a problem with being self conscious and projecting judgement when Grant is home and I'm debilitated. I'm pretty sure it's my own thing, and not something warranted based on how he actually feels. At least mostly. But I don't know how to kick it.
Anytime I'm a little sick and laying around with him taking care of me, it feels like that's been the story of the last 10 years. Me handicapped and him taking care of me. I want to be the wife parasailing and snorkeling with him in Key West last Valentine's Day, not the one laid up behind a locked door the kids are being shushed to quit beating on.
Speaking of debilitation, which I am probably spelling wrong, yesterday Elise asked me to pick her up. She doesn't do this that often, at least not with any persistence or real expectation, because I am never supposed to lift her and only do in rare circumstances. This can be really emotionally sucky for me, and it can also be really really inconvenient, like when I get home and her and Jake are both asleep in their carseats and I have to just wake them both up and lead them in wailing when I could've just put them in their damn beds. I usually feel it for awhile afterwards, if I do something like that, though...it's kind of reserved for things like when I thought she had a concussion, meaning times I don't stop to think about it.
She knows it hurts my belly to do. Recently,though, Laura has had a baby she's watched Laura caring for, and she herself has gotten a lot of baby dolls. Anyway, she comes to me and says, "Hold me Mommy". I say, I can't baby, do you want to hold my hand and come with me? and she very patiently explains "You my Mommy. Me Baby. Me Mommy's baby. You hold me." I was like, uh. Let's go sit together, you can be in my lap. She touched me, said "mama", and touched herself, and said "baby" and then did this whole thing that might not make sense if you don't speak Elise. Basically she said, "*mock crying, then sad voice* Baby *calms down* Mama hold baby!" and then, like I was really dumb, "My baby *mock cry* (meaning her doll), me hold baby, no more cry! Baby happy!"
I was finally like, you know what? You're fucking right. This is bullshit. In my head. Outwardly I just picked her up. She was so proud of me for "Getting it", patting me and then herself, "Mama hold me! Me Mama baby! Happy! Hold me more? Yeah?!"
It's not that bad if I high-hip carry her. *sigh*
I honestly can't tell if everything really sucks terribly...or I am just about to start my period.
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-08 11:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-09 12:45 am (UTC)Hair.
Date: 2010-01-09 05:25 am (UTC)I do love when women where their hair in hankerchiefs or headscarfs or whatever they like to call them.
or get extensions for your bangs. I know a horse that needs its mane and tail trimmed... whaddayasay?
no subject
Date: 2010-01-09 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-09 07:56 pm (UTC)