altarflame | A song.

In the midst of going through all this old stuff from Grant Sr's and journals and blah blah blah I often find myself nostalgic, or irritable, or freaked out, or laughing my head off at some bit of memorabilia. I never know when I'll come to the red arm band I was wearing during my transfusion, or that toddler picture I totally forgot about, or that letter with jokes and drawings all over it that was so funny, or whatever. High school friends, camp friends, internet friends, mommy friends - pastors galore, counselors, and teachers. Relatives.

Then there are letters I got at camp, from Grant - he wasn't at camp because he was staying in Homestead to babysit my brother, which was normally my job, and there was no way I could've gone to camp if someone else hadn't been available to do that because my mom had to work.

The sexy letters from my teenage boyfriend Grant.

The letters I got from my very best friend Grant while I was with someone else.

The confused and disillutioned letters when he was breaking up with other girls.

The 14 page letter with a cd-soundtrack about how he had always been in love with me and always would be, and he expected nothing in return. How very much he loved my children and how they were geniuses because of all I did with and for them and how he wanted me to be happy always.

The ridiculous cards. Dozens of them from so many occassions.

The suited-up-for-cesarean shots of him.

Wedding pictures, NICU pictures, isn't it really wack that he STILL looks so hot to me in that one where he's only 14 and I was taking the picture because he looked so hot to me that day, when I was also 14? This smooth neck and jawline thing. He was so pale.

I was different the first day I woke up married. Some panicky jumpy part of myself had CALMED DOWN. Maybe all my paranoia and inability to trust would come true and he'd die or hurt me...but I was his wife and nothing could take it away. If he died I'd be Tina Walker, I'd be a widow, it wouldn't be any more confusing muddled up girlfriend bs. I'd spent weeks in this terror that something terrible was going to happen because there was no way I could be a real legitimate married person. But then...I was. Sacramental bond.

Today he walked in wearing his business clothes, all bearded and broad shouldered and tan like he is, and he took off his tie and unbuttoned some buttons and pulled out his poneytail holder and I think I had a fangirl moment, I had to squeal and throw my panties.

Sometimes I run my fingers through his chest hair and think about when he didn't have any chest hair.

Rollercoasters; taking turns pacing with the kozy carrier; sitting in the van - up late in the dark on the road being goofy; falling asleep and waking up - dozing and dreaming and warm skin under the covers.

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

-the Beatles